Original subtitles

You realize that's your show. The father is a con man, shifty, conniving. The son

is a cop. I kind of like that.

I can see me playing a cop. Oh, no, no, no, no. You're the father. No fucking

way. I'm not playing that asshole.

It's the better part.

Yeah, I'm the father.

It's Merc who's the villain here.

Don't be mad at me being mad at him. I think there's enough mad for both of

you.

QBT. Oh.

She wants you to front a line of Matt LeBlanc vests. What do I have to do?

Nothing. You stand there in your vest, you take a few calls, you watch the tote

board go up. It's like a telethon, only you're the disease.

How soon does this happen? As soon as the little children finish throwing the

buttons on.

That's not really kids making them, right?

No.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Uh, the pitch.

We're supposed to get rid of that. Yes, yes, yes.

How was the show?

Oh, we had to stop tape.

You know the black girl on the end? She got a fungal infection and had to drop

out. Oh, my God.

Yeah, they think she caught it from the bats.

There were bats?

Oh, yeah. I'm telling you, this shit ain't Wheel of Fortune.

So, whenever you're ready, we could... Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm ready. Go.

OK. Well?

We're going to start by talking about how, right now, in the television

landscape, there's really nothing with a great, complicated father-son

relationship. Hey, my best are here!

Parakeets have a longer attention span.

These are the ones I'm selling on QVT this weekend. It's the first time you're

seeing me.

Yep. What if you don't like them? Well, I'm allowed to kill all the ones I

really, really hate.

What about the ones you only sort of hate?

You have to become genuine Matt LeBlanc vests.

This isn't bad.

Oh, it has a remarkably abrasive quality.

Can this technically be called a fabric?

Who cares? It just has to look good on TV.

Much like you.

Ah, ha, ha.

The patterns are certainly lively.

I like a garment that can cause a seizure.

Hey, these guys know what sells.

Are they giving off a sort of toxic... Well, it's probably just the bags.

Could be the vests.

Yep, could be.

Right, so, back to the pitch?

You know what? I'll hear it at the pitch. Want to grab dinner?

I'll go change.

Fine. We'll wait for you out in the hall.

There's nothing to get away from that smell.

It's like a fashion statement and a gas leak.

And then he walks into the empty garage and there's just a note and it says,

Thanks, Dad.

And we see the frustration on William's face.

And then we cut to Dick driving down the coast in the Lamborghini.

And that's the end of the pilot.

Great. So great.

Mmm.

And there's definitely a procedural element each week. You've got crimes and

cases and stand-alone stories. But at its heart, it's this complicated,

damaged, wonderfully fucked-up father-son relationship. Even though

William absolutely knows that his father is a devious, manipulative shit.

Thank you very much.

He's so charming and clever that he always draws him back in.

And that's basically the show.

I think it's really interesting.

Very.

There's a lot more comedy than I was expecting. It's really more of a

dramedy. Oh, well, it doesn't have to be.

Oh, no, that's actually good for us. Oh, good.

God knows if anyone can write dramedy.

They're funny, but not always.

We think it's a great project for Matt. Really unexpected.

I totally agree. I also really like how Dick has screwed up all his

relationships with women. I think he can explore that even more. And maybe bring

in a mom character. Excuse me, I have to go. Pump.

Every time he says that, I think I'll never get an erection again.

Okay, I think we're good.

I say we move forward with this. All right. Thank you so much.

Actually, Beverly, if you could hang for a minute, I'd love to have a quick chat.

Oh, absolutely.

Feels like I've been called into the headmistress's office.

I need you to convey a message for me.

All right.

Tell your friend she's making a big mistake.

I assume you're talking about Carol, as she is the queen of big mistakes. Would

you care to be more specific?

She filed a sexual harassment suit against the network.

Really? Apparently, I harassed her. I think you can drop the air quotes.

I was there.

You know... No.

Never mind.

What?

No, Sean would kill me. Then definitely say it.

You totally brought this on yourself.

Excuse me? You took this wonderful relationship and you absolutely wrecked

it. She really cared for you. You were the first boss that actually made her

happy. I think if anyone got in the middle of our relationship... Oh,

please. I know you'd like to believe that, but I have never, ever been

interested in Carol or women.

Oh, don't give me the eyebrow.

You are basing this entirely on a haircut, which is so

clichéd and stereotypical.

Carol loved you.

She said that? Not in those words, but I know it's true. And you got paranoid and

crazy, and you broke her heart.

Wow.

By the way, It wasn't just the haircut.

Meaning? I got a vibe.

A vibe? Yeah, I felt it.

Sorry, no vibe.

Look, I get it. I was married. It's a big leap.

Nope, no leap.

No vibe, no leap.

Fine, whatever.

But for what it's worth, I think the haircut is pretty hot.

Yeah, right.

I'm telling you.

It's functional.

Bullshit, it's strong.

I like the way it frames your face.

Well, that's a very...

Kind. I'm not kind. I think it's sexy.

Right,

very good. Nice.

Chat.

Obviously, we have different definitions of the word fun.

I was thinking we should send something nice to Matt from the three of us. Does

he drink champagne?

I'd say you're safe with any liquid that doesn't come from a tap.

And why are we sending this now?

Just congratulations. You know, his company's first time at bat, and they

sold something.

His company?

His production company.

Matt has a production company?

Shooting LeBlanc. Isn't that his...

Again, we have different definitions of the word. So when you say his production

company sold this.

Right. His company's producing it. He's an executive producer. So is Roger.

Wait, his agent is an executive producer on our show.

He's his manager now. He switched.

Switched? So he could be an executive producer on your show. Why do you think

he was at the pitch this morning?

I don't know. Why are any of you anywhere?

Also, his partner, Evan Shimkin.

Whose partner?

Roger's. He's an executive producer on our show.

Have you not met Evan?

No, we've only seen you three times.

Roger and Evan are partners. They're Riskin Shimkin. And what exactly will

Riskin Shimkin be doing on our show?

Nothing. Don't worry. You'll never see that.

And they get paid for this?

Well, they have to get paid.

So they do nothing. Uh-huh. And still get the title. Yes. And the money.

And points.

Points? Right. And these points come from? You.

Why can't they come from Matt's points?

Well, they do, but Matt's points come from your points.

So do we have any points left?

Absolutely.

Just not as many.

Unbelievable. Anything else we should know but don't know?

I don't think. So, oh, FYI, Matt wants a shared created by credit.

F you, FYI.

I don't appreciate being spelled out like that.

He didn't create anything.

No? No. He bought office supplies. He made sandwiches. He wrote a few words on

the board. We created the show. We developed it. We invented the

characters. He never even heard the bloody pitch until this morning.

Then what should I tell them?

No. No. Tell them no.

He's not getting a created by credit. You don't get something for nothing.

Unless you're Evan Shimkin.

Yo. So I just got a call from Eileen.

Who? Their agent. You just spent 45 minutes with her.

Yeah, so?

They're saying no to the created by thing.

What?

Bullshit. I've been part of this every step of the way.

Who do you think bought the fucking pads and pens?

I'm just telling you what she said. The whole thing is based on me and my

father. Doesn't get any more created by than that.

I hear you. Yeah, well, push back.

Tell them it's a deal-breaker. Fuck them.

Hello? So I just got off with Roger.

And? Yeah, it's a deal-breaker.

No! Matt feels that because the show's based on him and his father... That's

ridiculous. That's like saying the bear should have a piece of the revenant.

Absolutely.

He's just being piggy. Uh-huh. This is the one thing he doesn't get.

They came up to my ranch. I was in the room with them the whole time. We were

all pitching stuff.

I get it. And who the fuck are they to say no?

What have they done?

One failed series and then...

thing they walked away from? He's a 90s TV star coasting on fumes from a show

that's been off for 13 years.

He's a game show host. Selling waistcoats on television.

And he gets to dictate all the demand.

They're being assholes and I'm going to tell them. Do not tell them. I'm going

to tell them. I'm going to tell them right now. Listen to me. Don't poison

the water. I will sort this out. That's what I do. Let me get into it with

Roger. You make nice. I'll solve this. I always said he was a monster. I hate

this fucking bullshit.

Hey. Oh, greetings.

Oh, yeah. All right.

Let's celebrate this thing. Let's do it.

Semitic treat.

I never said I didn't like Jews.

Semitic. Not anti-Semitic.

Oh.

All right, that's it. I've left enough apology messages. I'm not going to say

it again.

I'm leaving the food.

By the way, there's a chocolate babka that will make you convert.

about you what did he

say good morning to you talk

told me about the lawsuit i'm very impressed

yeah well i need the money what else just that she thinks you're making

a big mistake why Because no one will ever hire me again? Oh, wait. No one's

hiring me now.

Look.

I know it's been hard.

It doesn't matter.

Meaning? Meaning I'm done.

I'm going back to Michigan.

To do what?

To have the damn baby.

So you're still planning on having the damn baby?

Yep.

What about Merc?

Fuck Merc.

So you're doing this by yourself?

My mother will help. And you know what? This baby won't fire me. This baby won't

cheat on me. This baby will love me unconditionally.

For now, I can't think of anything more conditional than how I feel about my

mother. And your mother's okay with this? I don't know. We're not talking.

Check the freezer.

What am I looking for?

Dope.

Last Christmas, my dealer gave me a free ounce, so I hid it, but I was stoned

when I did it, so... Got it.

Anything?

Frozen peas, like it could have been a chicken breath, and I'd give shit.

Try behind that painting.

Seriously? It's not like you were hiding diamonds from the Nazis.

You know, if you're here to judge, you can just take your Chewbacca and go...

Chocolate vodka.

Oh. That actually sounds good.

You realize you're not having a pilot baby that you can simply cancel if it

doesn't test well. This baby is going to run, whether it's good or not.

No. You think I haven't given this a lot of thought?

Then why are we still searching for your stash?

Not everyone says it's bad for you.

I googled it. There's a gray area.

You don't want to have a baby.

In a grey area.

You also don't want to have a baby when you're stressed.

And I am very, very stressed.

Hello. Hi, guys.

Hi, Eileen.

I could just listen to those accents all day.

You know, it's funny because to us, you're the one... No, I was thinking...

We should set up a little lunch tomorrow, just the three of us, so we

can go over where we are with Matt and Roger.

And our partner, Evan Shimkin.

Exactly. And where are we exactly?

Well... I just said to them, guys, listen, these are two highly regarded,

award-winning writers.

They had the original idea for this show. They created the characters.

They developed the story.

And they feel strongly that they have earned a soul created by credit.

And? Yeah, they're not budging.

Brilliant. And this is all coming from Matt?

Absolutely. Fucking Matt.

So what do we do?

I think we've just got to bite the bullet.

So is that it?

Pretty much.

So then we don't need to have lunch.

Great.

God, it's beautiful.

I'm going to miss this.

Just look at it.

You sure you don't have this in Michigan?

Isn't there some big lake or something?

Yeah, it's bullshit.

It's like someone tried to make an ocean and got it wrong.

Why are you going there?

It's a positive life choice.

Can we change the subject? I don't want to talk about me.

Words I thought I'd never hear.

So, what's up with you?

I'm for show.

You really care?

Gotta talk about stuff.

Well, he's still insisting on created by credit.

Get it to him. For what? You didn't do anything.

So? No one reads the credits.

And chances are your show's going to die anyway.

Oh, loving those hormones.

You know how many shows make it past the first year? And out of those, you know

how many actually make money? I mean, real money.

It's like buying lottery tickets.

Just get a big producer fee up front and a nice penalty if they cut the order

short. Let him have his fucking credit. Just make your show.

You're very good at this.

Not good. It's going to do me in stupid Michigan.

Then why... You

know, you're really starting to show.

I ate the whole vodka.

Oh.

Take a close look at this.

Just look at the craftsmanship.

Every single stitch.

on this Matt LeBlanc vest is done by hand.

Hey, I wouldn't put my name on it if it weren't a beautifully constructed

garment. And it really, really is.

Just look at the detail.

If you watch me on the box... And who doesn't?

Then you know I love a well-made vest.

Wanker. When I was designing them, that was very important to me, that each

vest... What are you watching?

No.

Apparently, he's a designer now. He designed these. He said these fabrics

speak to him. He actually said those words. My God, don't do this to

yourself.

Who are you talking to?

What are you doing? Still here whenever you're ready. No, no, no.

If you are about to do what I think you're... No, listen to me.

Carol made a really compelling argument for letting this go. Do not do

something... We have a caller on the line from sunny California.

Hello, Sean, and thank you for shopping with Matt LeBlanc today.

It's a thrill.

Is this your first time shopping with us? It sure is. I'm just so excited to

own a Matt LeBlanc original.

Don't you just love that accent?

Why do English people always sound so smart?

Not always. I know some dumb English people.

So, Sean, what is it about these fabulous Matt LeBlanc vests that caught

your eye this afternoon?

Well, they're just smashing.

So tell me, Matt, you say you designed these all yourself.

Uh-huh. Well, of course you did. You would never take credit for anything you

didn't do.

So, Sean, which of these beauties do you want to get in on today?

Oh, it's so difficult to decide. I just wish I could touch them. They all look

so deliciously abrasive.

Yeah, they're pretty rugged.

I bet they are.

If you ask me, there's nothing like a waistcoat that could take the paint off

a car.

They're definitely manly, confident, and very, very classy.

Of course they are. They reek of class.

Speaking of which, tell me about the smell.

Smell? Yeah, they look like they give off a nice formaldehyde, he said.

Why don't we just take another call?

I think that's a good idea.

One last quick question. Matt, you were saying earlier about the craftsmanship.

Uh-huh. That's right. Each of these Matt LeBlanc vests are meticulously hand

-stitched. It is amazing what those little Sri Lankan children can do with

their tiny, tiny fingers. Okay, Sean.

Thanks for shopping with us today.

Hello. Enjoy your... Hello. Hello. Hello.

It's open.

Oh, look, it's Sean from England.

May I just say, I'd had more than a few beers.

Something I believe you can relate to.

And sometimes when that happens, we do things we regret, which is something I

know you can relate to. So far, worst fucking apology ever.

Right, I'm an arsehole.

Better?

Your wife put you up to this?

No, no, but she did make me see that this whole credit thing really doesn't

matter. Bullshit.

No, no, I realize it matters to you. Not just me.

You know how many fucking shows are on right now?

You want to get lost in all that?

You tell me Matt LeBlanc's gonna be in some father-son thing. Who gives a crap?

But tell me Matt LeBlanc created a show about his piece-of-shit conman father

and LeBlanc's playing his piece-of-shit conman father?

I set my DVR for that.

Then it's gotta be good.

But that's your fucking problem.

I'm getting the eyeballs to the set.

Right. It's like those stupid vests.

Show me Matt LeBlanc wearing a vest.

So what?

Tell me Matt LeBlanc designed that vest.

Then you know what?

You sell out all those fucking vests. You did not.

Every single itchy, stinky one. Oh, my God. Congratulations.

That is positively terrifying.

Well, not all of them. I saved one.

Dear God, what is that?

My penance.

I could smell you coming in. I know. I feel like Karen Silkwood.

I think it's safe to assume I already have cancer. Please put it out in the

garage. Maybe it'll dissipate.

That thing looks like America threw up.

So you sorted it out with him?

It's sorted.

And he's all right? He's all right.

And you're all right?

I'm all right. I just need a shower.

Then let's bloody write something.

Fine. Did you get a haircut?

It was free.

I knew I should have gone.

Oh, look at this.

I'm a writer.

Maybe you can believe everything you read.

It's very, very cool.

And very appreciated.

What are you doing?

Reading. Not here, not now.

Come on, I'm excited.

Wait till you get home.

When you can concentrate and not get pizza sauce all over it.

Fine. I can get pizza sauce on at home just as easy.

No.

So it's going to be that kind of night. Totally that kind of night. We've got to

celebrate this thing.

Here's to the untitled Matt LeBlanc pilot.

Catchy. Thank you. Couldn't have done it without you.

We get

one more bottle. Oh, my God. Oh, come on. For dessert.

Worst AA meeting ever.

Can I just say... You're not making another speed. Yeah.

I'm making another speech.

Look, we don't know what's going to happen with this.

You're right. There's sauce on it.

We don't know what's going to happen.

But the one thing I do know is that this, this right

here, this is the best part

of all of this.

Here, here.

You two, let's not... I have two brothers. Two horrible... Horrible,

horrible. The little one?

Finished?

But I never dreamt that I would find someone who actually feels

more like a brother.

than either of them.

No,

no, you don't have to. No, no, no, you don't need to do that.

No, you don't.

Oh, yeah, it's all right.

Even if sometimes you are a douche-nozzle. It's a douche-nozzle.

And now we left the restaurant, I just don't remember getting here.

He doesn't know how to have a good time.

Three bottles of wine doesn't hurt.

Three? Try five?

No. Yes?

We have five bottles of wine. Oh, my God. I'm actually sweating a nice

Brunello.

And you know, for him, this is just like Thursday.

What do you keep looking at?

I know it's stupid, but I thought maybe he'd read it tonight.

But he reads it when he's not shit-faced.

Stop

looking.

It'll ding when he writes.

These may still be dirty.

Should we text him? It just makes us seem so needy. We are needy. I know.

You're pathetic.

These are dirty.

You've got to have read it by now.

You don't know.

He's like a goldfish. The minute we leave his field of vision, he forgets we

exist. So maybe a text would nudge him a bit?

No. No? No.

I'm texting.

Fine, text.

How about thoughts?

You know, nonchalant, one word. Thoughts, question mark.

Or maybe thoughts, comma, you inconsiderate fucker, question mark.

That's a little more emphatic than I was going for. I have no problem with that.

Maybe he was in an accident.

He could be dead for all we know.

He better be.

Hello. Hi, guys. I just heard from Roger.

And?

He spoke to Matt.

And? He's passing.

What, what?

Matt. It's passing?

Right. It can't pass.

He co-created it.

I know.

So that's it? He's just passing?

Well, there is an upside. He wants his name off it, so now you can have sole

credit. When did this happen?

Right after he read it.

Obviously, you have a problem with the script. It's just me.

Me? Yeah.

Every shitty thing comes back to you. It's a ruining lineman's voice. It's a

fucking my wife.

You should be ready for the questions.

Is this the first time that you've ever been with a woman? Yeah. Was it? What?

The theater camp.

I've moved on. Doing another show.

You're what?

You're the abusive boyfriend we never had. You don't think there's love here?

No.