All language subtitles for Episodes506

You realize that's your show. The father
is a con man, shifty, conniving. The son

is a cop. I kind of like that.

I can see me playing a cop. Oh, no, no,
no, no. You're the father. No fucking

way. I'm not playing that asshole.

It's the better part.

Yeah, I'm the father.

It's Merc who's the villain here.

Don't be mad at me being mad at him. I
think there's enough mad for both of

you.

QBT. Oh.

She wants you to front a line of Matt
LeBlanc vests. What do I have to do?

Nothing. You stand there in your vest,
you take a few calls, you watch the tote

board go up. It's like a telethon, only
you're the disease.

How soon does this happen? As soon as
the little children finish throwing the

buttons on.

That's not really kids making them,
right?

No.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Uh, the pitch.

We're supposed to get rid of that. Yes,
yes, yes.

How was the show?

Oh, we had to stop tape.

You know the black girl on the end? She
got a fungal infection and had to drop

out. Oh, my God.

Yeah, they think she caught it from the
bats.

There were bats?

Oh, yeah. I'm telling you, this shit
ain't Wheel of Fortune.

So, whenever you're ready, we could...
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm ready. Go.

OK. Well?

We're going to start by talking about
how, right now, in the television

landscape, there's really nothing with a
great, complicated father-son

relationship. Hey, my best are here!

Parakeets have a longer attention span.

These are the ones I'm selling on QVT
this weekend. It's the first time you're

seeing me.

Yep. What if you don't like them? Well,
I'm allowed to kill all the ones I

really, really hate.

What about the ones you only sort of
hate?

You have to become genuine Matt LeBlanc
vests.

This isn't bad.

Oh, it has a remarkably abrasive
quality.

Can this technically be called a fabric?

Who cares? It just has to look good on
TV.

Much like you.

Ah, ha, ha.

The patterns are certainly lively.

I like a garment that can cause a
seizure.

Hey, these guys know what sells.

Are they giving off a sort of toxic...
Well, it's probably just the bags.

Could be the vests.

Yep, could be.

Right, so, back to the pitch?

You know what? I'll hear it at the
pitch. Want to grab dinner?

I'll go change.

Fine. We'll wait for you out in the
hall.

There's nothing to get away from that
smell.

It's like a fashion statement and a gas
leak.

And then he walks into the empty garage
and there's just a note and it says,

Thanks, Dad.

And we see the frustration on William's
face.

And then we cut to Dick driving down the
coast in the Lamborghini.

And that's the end of the pilot.

Great. So great.

Mmm.

And there's definitely a procedural
element each week. You've got crimes and

cases and stand-alone stories. But at
its heart, it's this complicated,

damaged, wonderfully fucked-up
father-son relationship. Even though

William absolutely knows that his father
is a devious, manipulative shit.

Thank you very much.

He's so charming and clever that he
always draws him back in.

And that's basically the show.

I think it's really interesting.

Very.

There's a lot more comedy than I was
expecting. It's really more of a

dramedy. Oh, well, it doesn't have to
be.

Oh, no, that's actually good for us. Oh,
good.

God knows if anyone can write dramedy.

They're funny, but not always.

We think it's a great project for Matt.
Really unexpected.

I totally agree. I also really like how
Dick has screwed up all his

relationships with women. I think he can
explore that even more. And maybe bring

in a mom character. Excuse me, I have to
go. Pump.

Every time he says that, I think I'll
never get an erection again.

Okay, I think we're good.

I say we move forward with this. All
right. Thank you so much.

Actually, Beverly, if you could hang for
a minute, I'd love to have a quick chat.

Oh, absolutely.

Feels like I've been called into the
headmistress's office.

I need you to convey a message for me.

All right.

Tell your friend she's making a big
mistake.

I assume you're talking about Carol, as
she is the queen of big mistakes. Would

you care to be more specific?

She filed a sexual harassment suit
against the network.

Really? Apparently, I harassed her. I
think you can drop the air quotes.

I was there.

You know... No.

Never mind.

What?

No, Sean would kill me. Then definitely
say it.

You totally brought this on yourself.

Excuse me? You took this wonderful
relationship and you absolutely wrecked

it. She really cared for you. You were
the first boss that actually made her

happy. I think if anyone got in the
middle of our relationship... Oh,

please. I know you'd like to believe
that, but I have never, ever been

interested in Carol or women.

Oh, don't give me the eyebrow.

You are basing this entirely on a
haircut, which is so

clichéd and stereotypical.

Carol loved you.

She said that? Not in those words, but I
know it's true. And you got paranoid and

crazy, and you broke her heart.

Wow.

By the way, It wasn't just the haircut.

Meaning? I got a vibe.

A vibe? Yeah, I felt it.

Sorry, no vibe.

Look, I get it. I was married. It's a
big leap.

Nope, no leap.

No vibe, no leap.

Fine, whatever.

But for what it's worth, I think the
haircut is pretty hot.

Yeah, right.

I'm telling you.

It's functional.

Bullshit, it's strong.

I like the way it frames your face.

Well, that's a very...

Kind. I'm not kind. I think it's sexy.

Right,

very good. Nice.

Chat.

Obviously, we have different definitions
of the word fun.

I was thinking we should send something
nice to Matt from the three of us. Does

he drink champagne?

I'd say you're safe with any liquid that
doesn't come from a tap.

And why are we sending this now?

Just congratulations. You know, his
company's first time at bat, and they

sold something.

His company?

His production company.

Matt has a production company?

Shooting LeBlanc. Isn't that his...

Again, we have different definitions of
the word. So when you say his production

company sold this.

Right. His company's producing it. He's
an executive producer. So is Roger.

Wait, his agent is an executive producer
on our show.

He's his manager now. He switched.

Switched? So he could be an executive
producer on your show. Why do you think

he was at the pitch this morning?

I don't know. Why are any of you
anywhere?

Also, his partner, Evan Shimkin.

Whose partner?

Roger's. He's an executive producer on
our show.

Have you not met Evan?

No, we've only seen you three times.

Roger and Evan are partners. They're
Riskin Shimkin. And what exactly will

Riskin Shimkin be doing on our show?

Nothing. Don't worry. You'll never see
that.

And they get paid for this?

Well, they have to get paid.

So they do nothing. Uh-huh. And still
get the title. Yes. And the money.

And points.

Points? Right. And these points come
from? You.

Why can't they come from Matt's points?

Well, they do, but Matt's points come
from your points.

So do we have any points left?

Absolutely.

Just not as many.

Unbelievable. Anything else we should
know but don't know?

I don't think. So, oh, FYI, Matt wants a
shared created by credit.

F you, FYI.

I don't appreciate being spelled out
like that.

He didn't create anything.

No? No. He bought office supplies. He
made sandwiches. He wrote a few words on

the board. We created the show. We
developed it. We invented the

characters. He never even heard the
bloody pitch until this morning.

Then what should I tell them?

No. No. Tell them no.

He's not getting a created by credit.
You don't get something for nothing.

Unless you're Evan Shimkin.

Yo. So I just got a call from Eileen.

Who? Their agent. You just spent 45
minutes with her.

Yeah, so?

They're saying no to the created by
thing.

What?

Bullshit. I've been part of this every
step of the way.

Who do you think bought the fucking pads
and pens?

I'm just telling you what she said. The
whole thing is based on me and my

father. Doesn't get any more created by
than that.

I hear you. Yeah, well, push back.

Tell them it's a deal-breaker. Fuck
them.

Hello? So I just got off with Roger.

And? Yeah, it's a deal-breaker.

No! Matt feels that because the show's
based on him and his father... That's

ridiculous. That's like saying the bear
should have a piece of the revenant.

Absolutely.

He's just being piggy. Uh-huh. This is
the one thing he doesn't get.

They came up to my ranch. I was in the
room with them the whole time. We were

all pitching stuff.

I get it. And who the fuck are they to
say no?

What have they done?

One failed series and then...

thing they walked away from? He's a 90s
TV star coasting on fumes from a show

that's been off for 13 years.

He's a game show host. Selling
waistcoats on television.

And he gets to dictate all the demand.

They're being assholes and I'm going to
tell them. Do not tell them. I'm going

to tell them. I'm going to tell them
right now. Listen to me. Don't poison

the water. I will sort this out. That's
what I do. Let me get into it with

Roger. You make nice. I'll solve this. I
always said he was a monster. I hate

this fucking bullshit.

Hey. Oh, greetings.

Oh, yeah. All right.

Let's celebrate this thing. Let's do it.

Semitic treat.

I never said I didn't like Jews.

Semitic. Not anti-Semitic.

Oh.

All right, that's it. I've left enough
apology messages. I'm not going to say

it again.

I'm leaving the food.

By the way, there's a chocolate babka
that will make you convert.

about you what did he

say good morning to you talk

told me about the lawsuit i'm very
impressed

yeah well i need the money what else
just that she thinks you're making

a big mistake why Because no one will
ever hire me again? Oh, wait. No one's

hiring me now.

Look.

I know it's been hard.

It doesn't matter.

Meaning? Meaning I'm done.

I'm going back to Michigan.

To do what?

To have the damn baby.

So you're still planning on having the
damn baby?

Yep.

What about Merc?

Fuck Merc.

So you're doing this by yourself?

My mother will help. And you know what?
This baby won't fire me. This baby won't

cheat on me. This baby will love me
unconditionally.

For now, I can't think of anything more
conditional than how I feel about my

mother. And your mother's okay with
this? I don't know. We're not talking.

Check the freezer.

What am I looking for?

Dope.

Last Christmas, my dealer gave me a free
ounce, so I hid it, but I was stoned

when I did it, so... Got it.

Anything?

Frozen peas, like it could have been a
chicken breath, and I'd give shit.

Try behind that painting.

Seriously? It's not like you were hiding
diamonds from the Nazis.

You know, if you're here to judge, you
can just take your Chewbacca and go...

Chocolate vodka.

Oh. That actually sounds good.

You realize you're not having a pilot
baby that you can simply cancel if it

doesn't test well. This baby is going to
run, whether it's good or not.

No. You think I haven't given this a lot
of thought?

Then why are we still searching for your
stash?

Not everyone says it's bad for you.

I googled it. There's a gray area.

You don't want to have a baby.

In a grey area.

You also don't want to have a baby when
you're stressed.

And I am very, very stressed.

Hello. Hi, guys.

Hi, Eileen.

I could just listen to those accents all
day.

You know, it's funny because to us,
you're the one... No, I was thinking...

We should set up a little lunch
tomorrow, just the three of us, so we

can go over where we are with Matt and
Roger.

And our partner, Evan Shimkin.

Exactly. And where are we exactly?

Well... I just said to them, guys,
listen, these are two highly regarded,

award-winning writers.

They had the original idea for this
show. They created the characters.

They developed the story.

And they feel strongly that they have
earned a soul created by credit.

And? Yeah, they're not budging.

Brilliant. And this is all coming from
Matt?

Absolutely. Fucking Matt.

So what do we do?

I think we've just got to bite the
bullet.

So is that it?

Pretty much.

So then we don't need to have lunch.

Great.

God, it's beautiful.

I'm going to miss this.

Just look at it.

You sure you don't have this in
Michigan?

Isn't there some big lake or something?

Yeah, it's bullshit.

It's like someone tried to make an ocean
and got it wrong.

Why are you going there?

It's a positive life choice.

Can we change the subject? I don't want
to talk about me.

Words I thought I'd never hear.

So, what's up with you?

I'm for show.

You really care?

Gotta talk about stuff.

Well, he's still insisting on created by
credit.

Get it to him. For what? You didn't do
anything.

So? No one reads the credits.

And chances are your show's going to die
anyway.

Oh, loving those hormones.

You know how many shows make it past the
first year? And out of those, you know

how many actually make money? I mean,
real money.

It's like buying lottery tickets.

Just get a big producer fee up front and
a nice penalty if they cut the order

short. Let him have his fucking credit.
Just make your show.

You're very good at this.

Not good. It's going to do me in stupid
Michigan.

Then why... You

know, you're really starting to show.

I ate the whole vodka.

Oh.

Take a close look at this.

Just look at the craftsmanship.

Every single stitch.

on this Matt LeBlanc vest is done by
hand.

Hey, I wouldn't put my name on it if it
weren't a beautifully constructed

garment. And it really, really is.

Just look at the detail.

If you watch me on the box... And who
doesn't?

Then you know I love a well-made vest.

Wanker. When I was designing them, that
was very important to me, that each

vest... What are you watching?

No.

Apparently, he's a designer now. He
designed these. He said these fabrics

speak to him. He actually said those
words. My God, don't do this to

yourself.

Who are you talking to?

What are you doing? Still here whenever
you're ready. No, no, no.

If you are about to do what I think
you're... No, listen to me.

Carol made a really compelling argument
for letting this go. Do not do

something... We have a caller on the
line from sunny California.

Hello, Sean, and thank you for shopping
with Matt LeBlanc today.

It's a thrill.

Is this your first time shopping with
us? It sure is. I'm just so excited to

own a Matt LeBlanc original.

Don't you just love that accent?

Why do English people always sound so
smart?

Not always. I know some dumb English
people.

So, Sean, what is it about these
fabulous Matt LeBlanc vests that caught

your eye this afternoon?

Well, they're just smashing.

So tell me, Matt, you say you designed
these all yourself.

Uh-huh. Well, of course you did. You
would never take credit for anything you

didn't do.

So, Sean, which of these beauties do you
want to get in on today?

Oh, it's so difficult to decide. I just
wish I could touch them. They all look

so deliciously abrasive.

Yeah, they're pretty rugged.

I bet they are.

If you ask me, there's nothing like a
waistcoat that could take the paint off

a car.

They're definitely manly, confident, and
very, very classy.

Of course they are. They reek of class.

Speaking of which, tell me about the
smell.

Smell? Yeah, they look like they give
off a nice formaldehyde, he said.

Why don't we just take another call?

I think that's a good idea.

One last quick question. Matt, you were
saying earlier about the craftsmanship.

Uh-huh. That's right. Each of these Matt
LeBlanc vests are meticulously hand

-stitched. It is amazing what those
little Sri Lankan children can do with

their tiny, tiny fingers. Okay, Sean.

Thanks for shopping with us today.

Hello. Enjoy your... Hello. Hello.
Hello.

It's open.

Oh, look, it's Sean from England.

May I just say, I'd had more than a few
beers.

Something I believe you can relate to.

And sometimes when that happens, we do
things we regret, which is something I

know you can relate to. So far, worst
fucking apology ever.

Right, I'm an arsehole.

Better?

Your wife put you up to this?

No, no, but she did make me see that
this whole credit thing really doesn't

matter. Bullshit.

No, no, I realize it matters to you. Not
just me.

You know how many fucking shows are on
right now?

You want to get lost in all that?

You tell me Matt LeBlanc's gonna be in
some father-son thing. Who gives a crap?

But tell me Matt LeBlanc created a show
about his piece-of-shit conman father

and LeBlanc's playing his piece-of-shit
conman father?

I set my DVR for that.

Then it's gotta be good.

But that's your fucking problem.

I'm getting the eyeballs to the set.

Right. It's like those stupid vests.

Show me Matt LeBlanc wearing a vest.

So what?

Tell me Matt LeBlanc designed that vest.

Then you know what?

You sell out all those fucking vests.
You did not.

Every single itchy, stinky one. Oh, my
God. Congratulations.

That is positively terrifying.

Well, not all of them. I saved one.

Dear God, what is that?

My penance.

I could smell you coming in. I know. I
feel like Karen Silkwood.

I think it's safe to assume I already
have cancer. Please put it out in the

garage. Maybe it'll dissipate.

That thing looks like America threw up.

So you sorted it out with him?

It's sorted.

And he's all right? He's all right.

And you're all right?

I'm all right. I just need a shower.

Then let's bloody write something.

Fine. Did you get a haircut?

It was free.

I knew I should have gone.

Oh, look at this.

I'm a writer.

Maybe you can believe everything you
read.

It's very, very cool.

And very appreciated.

What are you doing?

Reading. Not here, not now.

Come on, I'm excited.

Wait till you get home.

When you can concentrate and not get
pizza sauce all over it.

Fine. I can get pizza sauce on at home
just as easy.

No.

So it's going to be that kind of night.
Totally that kind of night. We've got to

celebrate this thing.

Here's to the untitled Matt LeBlanc
pilot.

Catchy. Thank you. Couldn't have done it
without you.

We get

one more bottle. Oh, my God. Oh, come
on. For dessert.

Worst AA meeting ever.

Can I just say... You're not making
another speed. Yeah.

I'm making another speech.

Look, we don't know what's going to
happen with this.

You're right. There's sauce on it.

We don't know what's going to happen.

But the one thing I do know is that
this, this right

here, this is the best part

of all of this.

Here, here.

You two, let's not... I have two
brothers. Two horrible... Horrible,

horrible. The little one?

Finished?

But I never dreamt that I would find
someone who actually feels

more like a brother.

than either of them.

No,

no, you don't have to. No, no, no, you
don't need to do that.

No, you don't.

Oh, yeah, it's all right.

Even if sometimes you are a
douche-nozzle. It's a douche-nozzle.

And now we left the restaurant, I just
don't remember getting here.

He doesn't know how to have a good time.

Three bottles of wine doesn't hurt.

Three? Try five?

No. Yes?

We have five bottles of wine. Oh, my
God. I'm actually sweating a nice

Brunello.

And you know, for him, this is just like
Thursday.

What do you keep looking at?

I know it's stupid, but I thought maybe
he'd read it tonight.

But he reads it when he's not
shit-faced.

Stop

looking.

It'll ding when he writes.

These may still be dirty.

Should we text him? It just makes us
seem so needy. We are needy. I know.

You're pathetic.

These are dirty.

You've got to have read it by now.

You don't know.

He's like a goldfish. The minute we
leave his field of vision, he forgets we

exist. So maybe a text would nudge him a
bit?

No. No? No.

I'm texting.

Fine, text.

How about thoughts?

You know, nonchalant, one word.
Thoughts, question mark.

Or maybe thoughts, comma, you
inconsiderate fucker, question mark.

That's a little more emphatic than I was
going for. I have no problem with that.

Maybe he was in an accident.

He could be dead for all we know.

He better be.

Hello. Hi, guys. I just heard from
Roger.

And?

He spoke to Matt.

And? He's passing.

What, what?

Matt. It's passing?

Right. It can't pass.

He co-created it.

I know.

So that's it? He's just passing?

Well, there is an upside. He wants his
name off it, so now you can have sole

credit. When did this happen?

Right after he read it.

Obviously, you have a problem with the
script. It's just me.

Me? Yeah.

Every shitty thing comes back to you.
It's a ruining lineman's voice. It's a

fucking my wife.

You should be ready for the questions.

Is this the first time that you've ever
been with a woman? Yeah. Was it? What?

The theater camp.

I've moved on. Doing another show.

You're what?

You're the abusive boyfriend we never
had. You don't think there's love here?

No.