Original subtitles

Are you going to be weird about last night?

Oh, probably.

You're not?

Nope. It was perfect.

But we'll take it low.

I will take it any way you want to give it to me.

You need to come back with something no one's expecting. Do a show that'll make

people go, shit, I didn't know he could do that.

You guys got to do it. We're a little busy helping to destroy our current

show. Hello?

Oh, bollocks! You know what? I've never enjoyed your cooking more.

Hey! Want to do a show?

Woo-hoo!

Dear God, what have we done?

Out of your house driving a car. I know.

Oh, it's like Lazarus.

But with a better haircut.

Aw.

Who's Lazarus? From the Bible.

And she had really bad hair? Yeah, she had really bad hair. God moted her with

it. Oh.

Aw.

What a treat.

Just to see you in sunlight. How did this happen?

Um, A, the shrink upped my Prozac.

Never hurts.

And B?

Who said there's a B?

Your little friend A.

I'm kind of seeing somebody.

You haven't left your house in three weeks, unless you ordered him on Amazon.

Okay, I'll tell you, but you can't be judgmental.

How can you be back with her? Have you forgotten how controlling and

paranoid... A, judgmental, and B, not her.

Not Caster.

Caster? Oh, no!

God,

no.

Well, then... No. All right, I know. I know what you're going to say. Really? I

don't. You have actually...

Rented me speechless. How could you possibly... No, not so speechless.

I just don't... Of all the men... Excuse me, men and women in the world... Mark?

Lupita? May I speak now?

It's totally different this time.

It is.

Like all the good stuff...

Bullshit. There's no Jamie, so I don't have to scare him.

We don't have to sneak around.

He's not my boss anymore.

And that's not a turn-off for you?

No.

Look, I know you're not a fan, but I'm kind of

starting to feel like me again.

And he's the reason.

And a little bit the Prozac.

Mostly him. Put away all your little hmms and hmms and try

to be happy for me.

All right. If this is really what you want... It is. ...then I will

try to support it.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

See you next time. We'll be one step closer to finding out who will beat the

boss. Good night.

Hey, bud.

How's my favorite client?

I don't know. How is Bradley Cooper?

Well, you're definitely my funniest.

So listen, what if I told you that you could make a million two and all you

have to do is spend a day in Philadelphia?

Seriously? A whole day?

QVT wants you to front a line of Matt LeBlanc vests. What are you trying to do

to me? 1.2 if you sell out. Which is what I'd be doing. Oh, please. You know

who's doing QVT now?

Everybody.

Bradley Cooper?

Don't do that.

Jennifer Hudson's selling pants. Your friend Ellen is there. Give her a call.

She'll tell you. It's the easiest money you will ever make. 1.2 for a vest? It's

pure profit. They sell them for like $39.99, but they cost a buck to make in

Sri Lanka.

What do I have to do? Nothing. You stand there in your vest, you take a few

calls, you watch the tote board go up. It's like a telethon, only you're the

disease. How soon does this happen? As soon as the little children finish

sewing the buttons on.

I'm not really kids making them, right? No.

Hello. Hello.

Hey, let me ask you something. Would you pay $39.99 for this vest?

First of all, it's a waistcoat.

Fine. Would you pay $39.99 for this waistcoat?

That particular one?

No, no. This is like $400.

Like a prettier version of this.

So your question is, would I buy a shitty waistcoat for $39.99?

Yeah. No.

This is not your target audience.

Anyway, ready to go?

All right. Big weekend.

You guys going to bring me back a new show? Of course. All right.

Go be funny. Go be agent-y.

Oh, look. You already started.

Think fast.

All right, let me just go change out of this, and then we can... Hey, hey.

What's that one doing here?

Morning. Hello.

No one told me about the reunion.

Oh, we're doing a new show together.

Oh, exciting.

Getting the old team back together. Well, not the whole team. I'm totally

kidding. We know.

So what brings you here?

Oh, just picking up my man.

Picking up your what?

Oh, yeah. Mr. Lapidus and I are kind of an item.

An item? What?

What do you mean by item?

Are you shitting me? Why?

Uh, not everyone can be the perfect boyfriend guy who fucked my daughter

then never called her again.

They got along?

You and... Mug? Well, you know we used to have a thing back in the seventh...

Just say it.

And you're back together now?

Uh, yeah. In fact, as of last week... What's this?

You're engaged?

Oh, I love hearing it with the accent!

You're... engaged?

I know.

It's kind of fast, but hey, no one's getting any younger. You are.

And he gave you that ring.

I know.

If the light catches it just right, Merkle Peter starts looking pretty damn

good.

What about it? Let it go.

I can't.

I always said he was a dick.

This is going to kill her.

I even feel bad for mourning.

Were those new tits? I know, I thought that too.

So we all feel bad for Morning?

Well, she'll be fine.

She's got the ring, she'll get Almond.

Meanwhile, poor Carol.

I've just seen her face. She's so happy.

Fuck her.

I don't know what I'm going to tell her. You're going to tell her nothing. That's

what you're going to tell her.

I've got to say something.

No, you don't. You really want to be the one who brings her this news?

The reason hug the messenger is not an expression.

I'm supposed to just let her go on, completely oblivious.

It's not like they were bigger, but there's something.

Hands on the wheel.

Yeah, I know.

They were just more, hello.

I'm trapped in a car with two boobs talking about tits. No, you're right.

It's awful. Poor Carol.

It's like her nipples looked higher.

They can do that? Oh, I'd like to think so. I'm calling her. No, don't call her.

Every time you've got involved.

Every time. Am I wrong?

So what?

He just gets away with it. It's her life. Stay out of it.

I hate this.

It's probably just her bra.

You think?

Wardrobe told me she gets them specially made in Brazil.

Ah, good to know.

This is it.

This is your little ranch house.

Yee-haw.

Yeah, I had the set guys from Friends do it. I just said, give me a ranch set.

You're lucky there's a fourth wall.

What? It's a good time to place that fragrance.

Ah, horse shit. Oh, I was going to guess eucalyptus.

Nope, horse shit. Although sometimes they shit on the eucalyptus, so maybe

that's it. Good nose, darling.

Yeah, it's way worse during the day.

Something to look forward to.

You guys want a drink? No, no, that's all right. It's been a long day. And we

have a big smelly day tomorrow.

OK,

grab your stuff.

Right behind you.

Briefly on now.

I'm trying.

It's certainly not what I expected.

No. Like a sleepover at Michael Jackson's house.

Ah.

What? Look.

What? There.

What, the hair? Yes, the hair. These sheets aren't clean.

No. Oh, let's grab another one.

Hey, what's up?

Ah, I think whoever's in charge of the beds may have forgotten to

change our sheets.

That'll be Lupe.

Yes, well, Lupe forgot to change our sheets.

You sure?

There were hairs in mine.

Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it. It's just my kids.

They were grey, grey and curly.

Oh, and my mom's, they do.

So she doesn't colour all her hair.

Ooh, fucking Lupe. I'll talk to her on Monday.

Yeah.

But in the meantime...

I'm sure your mother is perfectly hygienic, but call me crazy.

And I do. I prefer clean sheets. So if you'll just show me where the linens

are.

I don't know where the linens are.

How do you not know where the linens are? It's your ranch.

I know where the barn is. Probably cleaner. I'm sorry, what?

So when you need to change your sheets.

Lupe does it. Or not.

Do you want to switch?

Take my bed. No.

Those are your dirty sheets.

I don't know what to tell you.

Totally useless.

You're welcome to scooch in here with me.

Unless you think you're the only cleaner.

You're welcome to sleep on top of me. Maybe I can flip the sheets over.

Darling, I'm begging you, just turn off the light and let's go to sleep.

Fine.

But I'm not getting undressed. Perfect. Do that.

Sleep well.

Brilliant.

How the fuck do they believe you've been out of space?

Well, for one thing, they have clean sheets.

Holy shit.

What the fuck?

You hear that?

The gunshots.

Something's definitely out there.

So you just shot randomly into the night?

Didn't you say you have a ranch hand? Yeah. Maybe you don't anymore.

It's this wild boar that's been coming around.

A wild boar?

I fucking hate that pig. He digs holes everywhere, eats my sprinkler heads,

shits on the pool furniture.

How do you know it's always the same pig? Oh, I know those shits.

I think I might have winged him. We should go check.

You go check. We're not going out there. It's fine. To face the potentially

wounded wild boar, just hit him.

Grab a shovel. No, I'm not grabbing a shovel. Nothing good ever starts with

grab a shovel.

All right, fine.

I'll go along.

So you should. It's your boar.

I'm coming for you, fucker.

It's like having a sleepover with no country for old men.

I made coffee.

Sounds good.

I think there's bagels in the freezer.

Maybe some eggs.

Oh, my God. Did you know your gun is still tipping out here next to the

cereal? Oh, and there's cereal.

Find any dead bodies in your yard? No. But that fucking pig knocked over my

barbecue. There's irony.

Carol.

Hello.

Hey. How's the ranch?

Very raunchy.

Yeah, like someone lit a horseshit candle.

I told you, as soon as the sun hits it... Question.

It's Murph's birthday next week, and A, I have no idea what to get him.

Also, B, I've got no money to get it with.

Then I say, C, fuck him.

Is it too lame if I make something?

I was thinking of, like, going to one of the...

colour me mine places and making a little bowl.

So, what do you think?

I think making something for him is fine. I just... Beverly, put your heart

into it.

Hello, Beverly.

He's there?

Mm-hm. All right, well, I've got to get to work.

Wish him happy birthday for me.

Second one.

Okay. I had my assistant get us pads, pens, scissors, post-its. She got us a

whiteboard. You name it, it's all here.

Jesus. It's like she knocked over a staple.

Ah, fuck.

Staples. I wouldn't worry. I don't think we'll get so much done that we'll need

to attach things to each other. Okay, glass half empty.

So, do you have any sense of the kind of show you want to do?

I'm thinking a one hour. I don't know, something smart.

Maybe a little dark. You know, sophisticated.

Anything else?

In an ideal world, I get to suit people.

That is sophisticated.

So, we've got smart, sophisticated

suit people.

Oh, I got an idea. Go. Can I do the writing on the board?

Absolutely. That was your idea.

Yep.

Okay, so what's the show? Let's just toss things out. Anything's fair game.

There are no bad ideas.

Okay.

What if I'm the president?

Of what planet?

I thought there were no bad ideas. So did I. Screw you. I could play a

president. Okay, let's say you're the president.

So now we have smart, sophisticated, shoot people, and president.

I'm liking this.

Should I make a reservation for lunch? We just started.

I know, but the way we're moving... Okay, so, you're the president.

Then what?

I don't know.

You're the writers.

I gave you a present. If I could do it all, I wouldn't need you.

Who?

What if I come back from the dead?

Are you still the president? No, no, new idea.

All right.

But what do I come back from the dead with?

Like superpowers or some kind of special knowledge?

Maybe you come back with an idea for a show.

Or clean sheets.

Okay, I'm getting a real negative vibe here. Where are you going? I need a

cookie. Anyone else want a cookie? No, come back attention span. You're the

board guy. You have the pen.

Fine.

Has anyone ever done sort of a sliding doors kind of thing where you see three

iterations of a man's life?

Different ways they could have gone. You could intercut between them, see how

they inform each other.

What if I'm a pimp? Or what if you're a pimp?

Seriously.

It could be this cool, dark, edgy show.

I'm a slime ball, but I care about my girls.

Actually, I don't think we've ever seen that world before.

Documentaries may be.

Totally, totally.

I could run like this bunny ranch in the desert, and we could explore how each of

the girls ended up there. Learn about them as people. Yeah, dig into the

little nuances of their lives.

Oh, I got a title.

Whores. There's your nuance.

I love this.

What are you doing?

Pitching it to Roger.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slightly premature.

Nah, this is it.

I would totally watch Whores. I think we're all assuming that you have.

Hey, it's me. Guess what? We got a show.

It's a dark, edgy one hour about a brothel in the desert, and it's

called... Yeah, he guessed Whores. He knows you well.

What? No, that sucks.

Netflix is already doing whores.

Are you sure?

Treat Williams and Karen Stone.

Jesus.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

Shit. Oh, I understand your disappointment, having invested almost

four minutes of your life.

Fucking Netflix.

I know it's hard to believe, but there might be one other idea in the universe.

No, I can't do this now. I need a break.

From what?

Let's go shoot something. Like what? A one-hour? Come on, seriously. You ever

fired a gun? I couldn't even fire our assistant.

Spread your feet a little more.

And don't lock your knees.

Is it going to be loud? I don't like loud.

Nah, you're fine. You promise? Yeah, it's like slamming a car door.

Now get your grip a little higher. Make sure your support hand is against the

weapon as well.

When did John Hinkley get here? When I was a boy, my father took me shooting.

You never told me.

Yeah. It was my mother's idea. She thought it would bring us closer.

Turns out it just made me realize how easy it would be to kill him.

All right, let's talk in more aiming.

Now, I want to loosen up. Don't hunch your shoulders.

Still hunching.

Still hunching.

Still hunching. Those are my shoulders.

Really?

Now, you're going to have both hands tight on the grip.

It's loud!

Holy shit. Well done, darling. There was no fucking car door.

All right, just give me the weapon. I'm never doing this again because it was

loud. All right, my turn.

What? My turn.

And remember, focus on the sights, not the target. Don't worry, I remember.

It's just warming up.

I've got to remember to breathe.

This weapon's heavier than my father's.

I think there's something wrong with your gun.

Don't hunch your shoulders.

Just relax.

You can do it. I'm feeling a lot of pressure.

Use it.

What the hell?

how to stop that.

What are you doing?

I'm going to finish it off. This is him. You don't know that.

Well, who do you think it is?

You just ate your last sprinkler head, asshole. No! What? You can't kill this

pig. So he eats a few bloody sprinkler heads.

He has as much right to live here as you do.

Uh, as the guy who paid eight million for it. If this were a dog, would you

shoot a dog?

It's not a dog.

Yes, well, did you know that pigs are more intelligent?

than dogs and quite a few people. Yeah?

Then how come I'm the one with the gun?

And when did you become the fucking pig expert?

When I was growing up, my cousins had pet pigs. Oh, they are the most loyal,

affectionate, emotionally sophisticated... Oh, it's shitting!

Oh, this is horrible! Just end it! End it! No!

This is Wilbur in Charlotte's Web. This is... that talking pig movie.

Babe? Yes! He's gonna shoot Babe! Oh, you... You can't sue Babe.

It's not Babe.

It's Bacon.

Hey, if this was a talking pig, we'd be having a very different conversation,

all four of us. Just because you can't understand him doesn't mean he's not

communicating. Other pigs understand him. I understand him right now.

Here's Ping.

I'm in pain. Help me.

We need to help him. No, you know what we need?

Hash browns.

We need to get him to a vet. No, it's a wild boar. You're a wild boar. Where was

that snappy dialogue when we were working before?

Oh, look, it's passed out.

We are taking this animal to a doctor. We are not taking him to a doctor. All

right. Then you're on your own with your stupid show.

Oh, come on. That's right. We are putting it all on the line for this pig.

Do you want us?

The pig comes too.

Fuck me.

I'll get the truck.

All right, let's fucking do this.

You guys get the back. I'll get the front.

What? I touched the tail.

Switch.

Okay, ready?

One, two, three.

Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up.

That's a heavy pig.

Ideally, we need a winch. Oh, sure. We could just make one out of sticks and

twigs. Do you have a ramp?

What am I, Angie's List?

There's no time.

His breath is getting shallow.

That's not what I'd call it. We've got to do something now.

I know.

I can accidentally back over it.

Let's just try lifting it again. We can do this.

We've got to. All right.

Okay, okay. How about this?

You take the front, you take the back, and I'll get the middle.

Okay.

One, two, three.

Ow,

ow. The whistles are going through my gloves. Keep going.

It's tipping. No, I'm tipping.

I hate this fucking pig.

Why is this taking so long?

You shot him up pretty good.

So we'll be fine.

We lost so much blood.

It's funny. When you have ham, there's like no blood at all.

Well, that's true.

How is he? I wish I had better news.

A bullet tore through an artery and also punctured his trachea. So much for a

talking pig.

Will he survive?

It's possible.

He's a fighter. Oh, thank God. The good news is we were able to stop the

internal bleeding.

Okay. Tracheal reconstruction is more complicated.

But it's doable.

Well, it's tricky. It means taking cartilage from either his ear or his

thyroid. I'm not sure we can do that here. We'll probably have to move him to

a larger facility.

Say we do all that, what kind of prognosis can we hope for? Obviously,

there are no guarantees, but I think with time, he stands a good chance of

recovery. Oh.

What a relief.

Thank you.

How much are we talking here?

It's hard to say.

Minimum $12,000 to $15,000.

You paying?

Well, we did what we could. He had a good life.

Uh,

hold on.

Hello?

Are you okay?

Is there anything we've talked about so far that we actually like? Anything

worth pursuing?

I still like whores.

I also have a little bit of news.

Mark and I are in such a good place. I might be pregnant.

All right, I'm a racing whore.

Ooh, what about racing whores? I've got big news.

Big, big?

Pretty darn big.

I just like whores so much.