Original subtitles

You won't leave your house, your throne before breakfast, and you look like... I

look like what?

You look like what I imagine you'd look like if you'd never left Michigan.

We had a vehement conversation about Anthony Palmer Smith. Who knows, he

might surprise you. If I tap Tom. That is wildly offensive. You're wildly

offensive. Hello, good people.

Numbers through the roof.

No shit.

Get your ass down there. You got a show to shoot.

We'll see.

He masturbated in front of America.

And America said, thank you.

You'll be playing this guy who used to be a hitman for the mob. So typecast.

Yeah. You just got out of prison and you're trying to stay clean, but you got

no money.

Totally broke.

Got it. So your only option is to move in with your mother in her retirement

community in Florida.

It's kind of Goodfellas meets Cocoon. Funny.

Ugh.

Sorry, I gotta grab this. My ex-wife. Go, go, go.

Yo. So, uh, I saw your little show with the girl in the box.

Yeah, that was a shitstorm.

But hey, ratings are up 30%. 30%?

Aw, I'm happy for you.

Yeah, hey. Are you fucking crazy?

One of the kids at school saw it and told Michael. So Michael watched it.

Then Michael showed Aiden. So now both your boys have seen you with your dick

in your hand jerking off to some girl in a glass box with her cooch hanging out.

30%?

I'm not fucking doing this with you. The therapist says you've got to talk to

them. Oh, can't you do it? No, this is your mess. You clean it up, which I'm

sure you didn't do after your little video.

Fine, whatever. I gotta go. Go.

You all right? Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

So you were saying... I have no idea what you were saying.

One more time.

Come on. Get dressed. We're going on a hike.

No, you're not. Yes, you are. This is ridiculous. You've got to get out of

here. I'm in the middle of something.

What? This stupid woman and her husband are looking for a house.

How many hours have you been at this today?

What time is it?

9.30.

Oh.

The longer you stay here, the harder it's going to be to leave. It's like

quicksand. You sit here hour after hour, watching these shows, getting high. I'm

not getting high.

Since when?

Since I ran out of dope.

Aw. You're like a white Billie Holiday.

It's not funny.

I can't afford anymore.

Well, I do have a thought about that.

You're buying me dope?

No.

If you need money, and this is going to sound a little extreme, have you

considered suing Helen and the network?

I can't do that.

Hear me out. Your employer initiated an affair with you, and then when she broke

up with you, he created a hostile work environment, forcing you to

leave, and now you can't get hired.

Oh, I don't know.

I think you have a very strong case.

It just doesn't feel right. I mean, a lawsuit?

Also, it seems like so much work.

Yes, it would cut into your busy schedule as a real estate viewer.

So, do you ever see her?

Who, Helen?

Sometimes, in meetings. She doesn't ever ask about me.

Does he? Probably not.

I'm just curious.

After everything she did to you, she literally gripped you naked on a hill. I

know. But you're even thinking about her. I know.

Please, get out of this house. Get out of your head. I will.

When? Right after Love It or List It and Property Brothers.

And Flip or Flop.

So I'd be playing this former hitman who has to move into his mother's retirement

community. It's like a cross between Goodfellas and Cocoon.

Prosecco? Oh, we didn't order any. Our compliments.

Thanks.

They like to bring me stuff here.

Why?

Why?

So the bit is, all these old people keep trying to hire me to kill each other.

And they're, like, worse than the mob.

Oh, that's funny.

Is it? Hmm.

See, that's what I was afraid of.

Oh.

Oh, thank you. And this is?

Chef, house-made goose liver pate. Wait until you try this.

Thank him for us, please.

Bon appetit.

It helps if you eat a lot of bread with it. What about you?

I fucking hate pate.

I hate geese. Why didn't you say something?

I made a big fuss the first time they brought it now. They bring it every

time. Just eat it. Why do I have to eat it? It'd be rude. So you eat it.

Okay, look, forget about the hit man in Florida. You're right, it sucks.

Here's another one. Another one? Did you ask me here just to pick my brain about

these? No, come on.

I haven't seen you.

All right.

But since I got you here.

You've got a list? It's not that many. How many's not that many?

I don't know.

All right, pitch me your absolute favorite. What's the one you're really

excited about?

Really excited?

Okay, let's try this.

Go through your list.

Eliminate everyone where you're recently divorced.

Gotcha. Or a former something.

Sure.

Who reluctantly agrees to do something.

Especially if you're forced to move in with someone.

Oh, and mix anything with the words dysfunctional, instant family, or comes

to realize.

What's wrong with comes to realize?

Because whatever it is, the network will insist you come to realize it by the end

of the pilot, so then you've got no show.

Right, okay, give me a second.

At least try the fucking pate.

Yeah.

Well?

I've never actually tasted baby shit, but I have to assume.

Okay, done.

What have you got left?

Fuck.

I don't want to do the one where I'm a ghost.

Probably wise.

And I just realized it's a ghost who has an instant family and they're

dysfunctional. Jesus.

Look, you're in a unique position.

You have a ton of fuck you money and a good day job. You can afford to take a

risk.

You need to come back with something no one's expecting.

Do a drama.

Do a really dark comedy.

If you're going to play a former hitman with a bunch of old people, fucking

shoot some of them.

Do a show that'll make people go, shit, I didn't know he could do that.

Yes.

You guys got to do it.

Can I start you with something to drink? Iced tea for me.

Double scotch, please.

Very good.

Double scotch?

It's my wife's medical stuff.

How's she doing?

Well, now they're saying she needs a bone marrow transplant.

Oh, my God.

Turns out I'm a match.

My luck.

Wow.

Apparently, it can be very painful. Oh, poor thing.

You're talking about me.

Oh.

This is not what you want from a second marriage.

Why can't you? We're a little busy helping to destroy our current show.

And you're fucking miserable.

From the chef.

Ah.

Tuna tartare with a light truffle sesame oil. Ooh.

Give me the squirts for a week. Why are we eating here? Come on. We gotta do

this. Yes, well, I'm not sure the network will be very keen on this

jumping ship. Don't worry about the network. They'll do anything to keep me

happy. I can protect you. I'll be your 500-pound gorilla.

That's what this smells like. Yeah, it's gross.

Mmm.

Hello? You are going to be so proud of me.

Am I?

I'm out.

No. Uh-huh. It's like a scene from Shawshank Redemption.

You should see me. I'm on a street taking a walk.

Good for you.

I got a donut. You did not.

And? Donuts are expensive.

I know.

It's because they're so rare.

But it's good.

I'm glad I did it. You should be.

It's a big step.

I may get a juice.

Well, don't go crazy.

Okay. I'm going to let you go.

You don't have to. I'm just walking.

It's a figure of speech when someone wants to hang up. Remember?

You use it on me all the time.

March on.

I am very proud of you.

Me too.

Thanks for pushing me. I needed the push.

Enjoy your donut.

Oh, I am.

Hello?

Sean? Who?

What?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit to you.

Sorry.

I just, uh, I was calling Beverly, and I guess Lincoln is next to

Lapidus. That's okay. I'll take a butt dial from you any day.

Well, not exactly a butt dial, but, uh, so, um, sorry

to bother you.

Take care.

Hello. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm great.

Really?

No, I'm... I don't know.

You want to grab a bite?

Let me buy you dinner.

Oh, God.

No, no, no.

Oh, come on.

No, honest.

If you saw me right now, you'd lose your appetite.

I'm kind of a mess.

You sure?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm really... I'm better off by myself right now.

Well, tell your butt I'm here if it needs me.

Okay.

So, I understand from Mommy that you guys saw me on the computer doing some

pretty silly stuff.

Now, I don't know why we don't have some kind of parental control thing that

would stop you from seeing stuff like that. Not the point.

You want to do this?

No, this is you.

Do it. Just do it. I'm doing it.

Anyway, you know how sometimes you guys do stuff you know you shouldn't do, but

you do it anyway?

Well,

sometimes daddies do that, too.

I mean... It's a little different because the stuff you do doesn't end up

on Fox News. Because apparently Greta Von Susteren doesn't have enough real

stuff to fucking talk about.

But the point is, that doesn't make what Daddy did okay.

And I feel bad.

I feel bad that it happened.

And I feel bad you had to see it. I'm sure it was very, very weird for you

seeing that naked lady.

Daddy's penis.

So we don't need to talk about daddy's penis, because the point is...

The

point is, I made a mistake.

A big mistake.

But the good thing is that every time you make a mistake, you learn something.

And what I learned, and this is the one thing I want you to remember.

Whenever you're about to do something that you know is bad, always, always,

always look for the camera.

Hmm?

So we're good? Okay.

Good.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You didn't have... I know.

Oh, stop looking at me. But you look great.

Oh, yes.

Well, you look comfortable.

You really shouldn't have... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got the roast chicken

that you like.

I got some of those green beans and that potato thing.

With?

Salt on the side. Aw.

I got no fucking kale.

I got the mac and cheese.

Oh, with the truffles?

But first, a little amuse-bouche.

Oh, my God.

Did you bring paper?

Did I bring paper?

Oh, Jesus.

When you said you were a mess, I... I am a...

Are you smelling my hair?

Don't smell my hair.

I'm trying not to.

So I get home last night and kick off my shoes and

I start going into the kitchen.

Then I turn around.

And there's Mr.

Swizzleboots, and he's got his head inside my shoe, and all he sees is his

little bum and his tail wagging like crazy.

Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look. Who's it

touching?

Who's it touching?

Who's it touching?

Who's it touching?

Who's it touching?

Apparently, there is another level of hell.

Never hated a cat before.

Oh, you guys.

It's because I made the banana bread.

Actually, it's for Sean and Beverly.

Oh.

For Matt.

Let me be your £500 gorilla.

Whenever you're done playing with your plush toy, perhaps we can get back to

work?

Right, where were we?

I believe we were up to... Who did that to you?

Oh, God.

And you.

Hello, old friend.

How great is this?

Pretty fucking great.

You've got a hit show.

How the hell did that happen?

I hate it. You do not.

I do.

They treat LeBlanc like he's a fucking king, like he invented ratings.

Me, I'm a punchline.

I mean, Jesus Christ, who brought them the show? You were there.

It's such bullshit.

Fuck you. No, fuck you. I don't have a job.

You shouldn't have a job. I should have a job.

More.

Oh, yes.

At least you're making money.

It all goes to Jamie and the other two.

And all those fucking kids.

Said with love.

Always.

How's your mother?

I'm just wondering.

She's meaner.

Is that possible?

Science wouldn't have thought so, but somehow she is.

I think since my father died, she's doing the work of two.

What?

I missed that face.

I said don't look at me.

And you're not the boss of me.

And you are not the boss of me.

That's still weird.

I really fucked this up.

Mm-hmm.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me.

Damn right.

Stop looking.

Uh, Eileen.

We'll be right there. Make it quick.

Don't want to miss the fun.

Fold them out to where I can't, can't believe.

Morning.

Hi. How's it going?

Horrible. Tortuous.

Okay, so I just got a call from Roger Riskin, Matt LeBlanc's agent. He's

saying Matt asked you to rate his next show.

Yeah, Matt's been off work. I didn't know what to say. Gotta keep me in the

loop. Well, there really is no loop. We've decided to stick it out here.

God knows why.

We've got so much invested.

I think that's very smart. The buzz on Opposite is super hot, and now with

Anthony Pounder-Smith... I'm sorry, what?

What? Anthony Pounder-Smith.

Right. Is what?

In opposite?

No, no, no. Not likely.

Okay.

Unless he is.

Eileen, where are you getting this?

Look, I may be misinformed. Would it be from your other client, Tim?

Maybe.

So you're not misinformed?

No. Well, at least you've kept us in the loop.

Uh, to that end, full disclosure, I may have signed him as well.

Who? Anthony Pounder Smith.

I think so.

What do you mean, you think so?

No, I did.

And Tim cast him in our show, knowing full well how we feel.

Is it a done deal?

Uh... I'm sure his agent will be able to tell you.

No, it's a done deal.

Oh, brilliant.

Okay.

Just in time. Get them while they're hot.

What's this?

Flapple Friday, didn't you know?

No, but clearly there's so much we don't know.

Anthony Pounder-Smith.

Anthony bloody fucking Pounder-Smith.

All right, look.

Why don't we have this conversation after the flan?

Don't think so, because there's not going to be any after the flan.

We're done.

OK.

Let's take a step back. Only if you're at the edge of a cliff.

If I have to spend one more minute looking at your, your, your... Mug. Mug.

Self-sacrifice. Self-sacrifice.

I've got it. You are nothing but a humour-deficient poser, filling in the

huge gap in your talent with arrogance and crape. OK, let's not... You are a

terrible writer.

Your every instinct is dead wrong. You're about as funny as, as...

A tumour in a silly hat.

I'm sorry, I don't normally believe in public shaming, but what the hell? It's

Falafel Friday!

What are you doing?

I don't know.

Oh, great, right.

Now he's doing that thing where he pretends he's lost interest in the

conversation. Well, it didn't work in university and it's not going to fly

today. Hello!

Oh, bollocks! Do you know what? I've never enjoyed your cooking more.

Hey!

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry. That's OK.

They're really light.

That's the egg white. All right, so, there we are. To the rest of you, I am

so sorry we're abandoning you. Nobody deserves this walking nightmare, except,

obviously, Amanda.

Giving up gluten is not like you've discovered a new vaccine or a new

planet. It's just fucking wheat.

Calm down!

Getting off point. Right.

Do you know...

It breaks my heart to walk out of here, because I know this could have been a

really great show.

But I just can't bear standing by and watching you ruin it, bit by bit.

By the way, Anthony Pounder-Smith, we've already built the fucking set.

It all stares.

All right.

Hang on.

Good luck getting your top wear back.

You don't even like the love right now, but these are really good.

Have you seen my other sock?

Which one?

The right or the left?

Well, very, very similar to this one.

I've not seen it.

You want some?

So, are you going to be weird about last night?

Probably.

You're not?

Nope. It was perfect.

It was delicious.

It was us.

I know.

But... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No buts. I can't do this again.

There's just too much history.

Like old history. Like ancient history. Like there's togas.

We are in a different place now.

Hello.

I just think right now... Okay, okay, okay. No, no, no, no. Got it, got it.

I hear you.

Not pushing.

Let me just say this.

You know...

What I was going to do last night.

Eat a lean cuisine.

Watch like three reruns of Shark Tank. Take an Ambien and pass out.

And then the phone rang.

Like a fucking miracle.

When I heard your voice.

And you know I don't believe in any of that fate crap.

But come on.

I'm just saying.

Bud. We'll take it slow, okay?

I will take it any way you want to give it to me.

Let's get right to it and see what our box mates are up to.

Hey, Rafe.

Losing your mind?

I'd rather lose my mind.

Well, at least it's quiet.

Right, Jessica?

Quiet would be nice.

So, Rafe, any regrets about spending all your points to put you in that sumo

suit? I tried calling last night. You didn't pick up. Someone was messed up

with my phone.

I was on with the IT guy for an hour.

Three scariest words in the English language?

Go to settings.

Well, I missed you.

Marcel, Marcel, quiet. You'll want to kill yourself.

Up next.

There may be a llama in Jonathan's future.

We'll find out right after this.

Everyone! Two minutes, everybody!

Two minutes!

Hey, what are you doing here? Want to do a show?

Seriously? Sign us up.

Woo-hoo!

All right, but this is the last time.

Oh!

Where can we start? I got a really good idea. Really? Yeah, I'm this guy who

gets killed in a car accident, and I come back as a dog. And my wife adopts

me because she senses this connection, and I'm living with her and her new

husband. Now, the audience sees me as me, but everyone on the show sees me as

a dog.

And I have to, like, crap outside, and other dogs are humping me.

Huh?

Let's think about it. Maybe.

We're back.

This is going to be great.

Dear God, what have we done?

What's that one doing here? Just picking up my man. Merc?

Yeah. In fact... What's this?

Poor Carol.

I even feel bad for mourning.

Are those new tits? I know. Hello.

I'm trapped in a car with two boobs talking about tits. Okay, do you have

any sense of the kind of show you want to do? Something smart, sophisticated.

What if I'm a pimp? Oh, I got a title.

Oh, that is sophisticated.