Original subtitles

Welcome to Day 37 of The Box.

Twice in one week. It's my new favorite show.

Liking those numbers, huh? Liking them. You know what I think about when I'm

screwing my wife.

I really think we need to cut this whole bit with the boat.

No, you can't do that. You need the boat bit.

Darling, sometimes you have to let the words go.

Do we?

Where are we on my fucking window?

You're an actor.

Act like there's a window. You're a producer.

Go fuck yourself.

Let's do it. You don't need to mock it again. No, no, no. I'm good. Let's go.

Okay, on three.

One.

Wait, is it on? Good news. You know that guy who got my part in the NBC pilot?

Anthony Pound. Just had a kickboxing accident.

Paralyzed. Oh, my God.

Not temporarily, but long enough that he can't do the pilot.

You won't leave your house, your stone before breakfast, and you look like... I

look like what?

You look like what I imagine you'd look like if you'd never left Michigan.

He's kind of having a sex thing with Danica. Do me a favor, Kenny.

Switch the live feed to Danica's box.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. I take full responsibility.

Have you seen this? What? The Matt LeBlanc show?

Oh, yeah.

It's unbelievable.

What the hell was he thinking?

What was his thinking?

Are you kidding? How have you not seen it?

Jesus,

it's fucking everywhere.

Elliot Salad on one.

Shit.

Tell him you can't find me, then get me Roger Riskin.

Ellen Bash on one.

Shit.

Tell her I'm in a meeting.

Any luck? Tried Malibu. I tried his ranch.

Tried the vineyard.

Voicemail. Fuck!

Keep trying.

Booth.

Yes, he is. Hold on.

Helen Bash for you.

Hello. What kind of swirling vortex of fuck-up are you running over there?

No, no, no, no, no. You're not putting this on me.

It's not my job to keep his dick in his pants.

It's your job not to put it on television.

Who's watching the fucking monitors?

Believe me, that putz is long gone.

I canned his ass so fast.

Yeah, well, you're the one who put him in that booth. This is on you.

You made me hire LeBlanc in the first place. Oh, no, you don't.

I gave you a whole list of hosts.

You gave me a stack of obituaries.

They weren't all dead.

All right.

Enough with the finger pointing. So now what?

Dump him. Are you crazy?

We don't need that asshole.

This show's been a hit in 41 countries without him. No, it's the one thing I've

got that's working. I'm not screwing with it.

America can't unsee what they saw.

America saw Ruby shoot Oswald. They'll get over it. I'm just going to say one

thing, and I'm not pointing fingers.

This never would have happened if we had gone with Art Fleming.

Art Fleming's been dead for 20 years.

Jesus, is it that long?

What am I looking at?

Just watch.

Mm-hmm.

No. Oh.

No.

No, no, no. Please tell me he's not going to take it. Oh, he took it out.

There's more.

More? Oh.

Oh.

Oh, good Lord.

Look at him go. I swear I just saw a spark.

Not over.

No.

No.

No. Oh.

Tell me it's over.

Did he shake it yet? Just did. It's over. Oh.

It just passed 15 million views.

That's more than what's the fucking show. It's already bigger than that

chicken getting bar mitzvahed.

That really made me laugh.

He had a little yarmulke.

Patty, call Roger again. Tell him I know that little shit's not in a meeting.

Okay. Pepsi just pulled out and Ford is waffling. God.

Damn it. Maybe we should preempt tonight.

And run what? I'd run the tape.

Roger supposedly still in a meeting, and Elliot Salad's on one again.

Elliot! Tell me we can fix this.

We're on it. You hear that we lost Pepsi and Ford?

I heard Ford was waffling. Well, whatever comes after waffling, they just

did. Also, Kraft Mayonnaise.

Well, that makes sense.

It's visceral.

Oh. And we just had a call from the FCC.

They're raising questions about the integrity of the game.

Well, I've got legal making sure he didn't actually break any rules.

The rules?

Nobody understands those fucking rules.

This is about perception.

It looks like he broke the rules. It looks like he broke the rules all over

that box.

Helen Bash on one. She says pick up or she's coming over with a bat.

Fuck.

Good timing. My meeting just ended. What can I do for you? How about you invent a

time machine, go back to yesterday, and cockblock your fucking client?

Saw it, did you? I saw it. I think it's safe to say everyone but Andrea Bocelli

and that blind dog on YouTube saw it. What blind dog on YouTube?

I'll send you the link. It barked Georgia on my mind.

Look, Matt feels terrible. He knows this was a massive lapse of judgment. He'd

love to speak to you and explain.

Fine. Patch him in.

Uh, we can totally do that, uh, except, um, at the moment... You haven't even

talked to him, have you? As of right now, I believe I have not. Well, when

you do, he better have a fucking miracle of an explanation, because I need a

really good reason not to fire his ass.

Why are we still discussing this? Just get rid of him. Not till I hear his side

of it. Who cares about his side?

If this were any other game show, what if you saw a video of Alex Trebek

jerking off on some contestant? What is not on my face, Alex?

There's no show without him.

He's the show.

Bullshit. The show's the show.

Look at Millionaire.

Regis left years ago and it's still going strong. Who knows who's hosting it

now? Not Art Fleming.

Hi, honey, it's Beth.

So it's a clusterfuck.

What? You, last night.

What?

You know, I'm going to conference Roger in.

Hey, bud.

What's going on?

We've got a bit of a problem here.

With what?

That little show you did last night.

Oh, you watched my show?

Oh, pretty much everyone watched your show.

Huh? The girl.

What girl?

Box number two, without the pants.

How do you know about that?

Um, because I'm looking at it right now.

You're looking at it? From the feed. What feed?

The 24-hour feed.

You know how at the end of every show you say, remember to follow us live

online 24 hours a day?

That's what that means.

Yup. Oh, shit.

Where is it? Oh.

It's pretty much everywhere. If you go to your kitchen, your microwave's

probably showing it.

Holy crap.

What's he doing?

Just watch.

Oh, you could see that thing from space.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You're welcome.

Oh, Rosa just showed up. Shit.

Rosa? My maid. Is it Tuesday again?

Yeah, it's been happening every week right around now.

Shit, she's getting out of the car.

Is this some kind of murdering maid?

Probably. I haven't paid her in like four weeks.

Why? Because I've been saving up to buy a pony. I'm broke.

That broke?

Yes, that broke.

Then why not just let her go?

I don't want to lose her.

No. Of course not.

Oh, fuck.

Here she comes.

I'm going to deadbolt the door.

What's happening?

Hey, Rosa.

Hola.

I was just looking for my, um... Dignity?

Jesus.

Can't they just take the fucking thing down?

Honey, it's the internet. There is no down.

So, uh... Not to judge, but what the hell were you thinking?

I don't know.

I guess I was thinking, I sure wish I could get through that glass.

You're not getting how serious this is.

Look, I had a few beers. He was hot.

Realistically, how else was that going to end?

Well, it might end with you out of a job.

Oh, come on. They're freaking out over there. It had nothing to do with this

stupid game.

They're saying it looks...

Like you're giving one contestant preferential treatment.

Fine. I'll whack off on all their boxes.

Yeah, I'm not writing this down.

Wait a minute. If they fire me, they still have to pay me, right? No.

I thought we had a pay or play deal.

There's a morals clause.

A morals clause?

You never told me there was a morals clause.

I never thought it would matter.

With me?

If they want to fire me, then fuck them. You can't fuck them. Oh, I can fuck

them. What about the money? Fuck the money.

Never fuck the money!

You can't afford to fuck the money.

You know that.

So now what?

Beth? Well, you start by releasing a statement accepting full responsibility

for your actions.

Fine. You apologize to the network and to your fans.

Then you say you're going into rehab for sexual addiction.

No.

This is bullshit.

I'm calling the network.

Do not call the network.

We will handle it. I'm calling Elliot Salad. Do not call Elliot Salad. Why

not? He loves me. Listen to me.

Do not call Elliot Salad. I'm calling Elliot Salad. I'm begging you. Do not

call Elliot Salad. You can't stop me from calling Elliot Salad. I'm calling

Elliot Salad.

Blanc on one.

Yeah? I need Elliot Salad's number.

What happened to me?

I was important.

I had a career.

People brought me lunch.

They kissed my ass.

Now look at it.

Just an ass.

It's like, I remember this one particular day.

I was in New York for the Upfronts.

My first one.

I was so young.

And that one day, I was in the room when they canceled the

John Stamos show.

I saw Brooke Shields in the lobby of my hotel.

And that night, I blew Wilmer Valderrama in the bathroom at

the after party.

It was just the most magical day.

And I thought, oh my God, look at my life.

And now, oh, my God.

Look at my life.

By the way, thank you again for taking my watch.

It looks really good on you.

And I'm telling you, it's worth so much more than four weeks' pay.

You did very well, my friend.

Kelsey Grammer once called me fetching.

This is out.

Shit.

Hello. Hey, Elliot.

How's it going?

I've been better. Yeah, look.

I don't know what to say. I am so...

Sorry, it was beyond stupid.

I cannot disagree.

If I could undo it, I would. I swear.

I feel terrible.

Well, you should.

What the hell was going through that brain of yours?

Nothing. That's the problem. I just saw her and she was there.

Yeah, well, I gotta say, I can't fault your taste in women.

That girl is something.

I know, right? And she was doing yoga.

I hear you.

There's something about a woman who can put her heels behind her ears.

Thank you. I mean, how do you say no to that?

Funny thing. Looking at you with that girl in the box took me back to

something that happened to me, which was not entirely dissimilar. No kidding?

This is years ago, just off Times Square.

Yeah, Nathan's. You remember Nathan's?

Sure. I was walking down the street, and I saw this woman in a phone booth.

She was magnificent.

A body to die for.

Like a young Sid Sharif. You remember Sid Sharif?

Totally. Singing in the rain?

The bandwagon? Bandwagon, sure.

Anyway, it was a hot summer night. Even hotter in that phone booth with the door

closed. So, I'm standing there, watching her.

Kind of in the shadows.

And I notice this one little bead of sweat slowly rolling down

her bare shoulder.

And her eyes catch mine.

It was this charged, erotic moment.

And much like you and your girl in the box, it led to some self-pleasuring, if

you catch my drift.

I'm catching it.

Of course.

My situation was slightly different in that she had no idea what was happening.

When she looked down and saw what I was doing, she let out a... A scream. It was

so loud you could hear it through the glass with the door closed.

But that's all I needed.

By the time the cops came, I was done, zipped up, and halfway down 46th Street.

Wow.

You don't see phone booths anymore.

They call that progress.

Right.

Anyway, the show.

So, we're okay?

Well, let us think about it. We'll discuss.

But I'm really glad you called.

Me too.

Thank you so much.

Elliot Salad on one.

Fire him.

You sure?

Yeah. That guy should not be hosting a family show.

Gives me the creeps.

Yo. Bad news, bud.

What?

I just talked to Elliot Salad. He said he was going to think about it.

Well, he thought about it.

Fuck!

Well done. That was great. Thank you.

I liked her a lot. She makes a very smart choice.

I thought she was a bit rumpy.

As in?

Too much rump. Too much rump.

Who's next?

Anthony Pounder-Smith. No, no, no. What? No, no, no. We had this conversation.

Did we? You know we did. It was the day you brought in your apple crumble.

Mmm, I remember the crumble.

I'm sure you'll recall, as you were whipping your cinnamon cream, we had a

vehement conversation about Anthony Pounder-Smith. We were absolutely

explicit about not bringing him in. He's a brilliant actor. Absolutely, no

question, and paralysed brilliantly.

Well, I'm sorry if you two have issues with hiring the disabled.

No, no, no. There's nothing to do with him being disabled.

The whole conceit of our show is that everyone plays two very different parts.

If he's in a wheelchair for both of them, that hardly makes him chameleon

-like. Well, they'd obviously be different chairs.

Look, it's five minutes out of your oh-so-busy lives.

Who knows, he might surprise you.

That is wildly offensive. You're wildly offensive.

So, um...

Should I bring him in? Well, he's here now.

Anthony?

Hello, good people.

Hello. Thank you so much for coming in.

Hang on.

Bit of a snag.

I was going to say... Almost.

It's all about the trajectory.

Can we help?

No, no, I've got it.

Yeah. Happens all the time.

Sure, we... There we

go. Now, hang on. Make it a little worse here.

Bloody fucker!

Seems to expand in the heat.

Well, it's a very narrow doorframe. Oh, it's ridiculous.

Stop there.

Are you sure we can't... No, no, no, no, no.

That

wasn't

so hard, was it?

Is your hand bleeding?

Hardly. It's fine. No worries.

So, welcome.

Well, what a treat. So thrilled you could come in. I'm a huge fan.

Especially me.

You're very kind.

It's a wonderful script.

Oh, thank you. It's very, very funny. Both roles are so tasty.

By the way, if there is any concern about the chair... What? The chair? No,

no, no.

I can assure you that I will be out of it by the time we're ready to shoot.

That's wonderful, but that is in only three weeks.

Sooner than I was told.

But I'm sure I'll be fine by then.

Right,

well, shall we read a little? Please.

Maybe we can start with Reg.

The scene with his daughter?

Reg.

I'll be reading with you. Ready?

Let's do it.

Dad, get down from there!

What? Just wanted to say goodbye.

And then I wanted to watch you leave.

Dick. Nah.

I'm gonna miss these little talks.

Shame this didn't work out. But hey, we had a good run.

You remember when all you wanted was a window?

I don't need a window. I could throw you through a wall.

Please, do it.

That's just what your career needs.

One more nail.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. In case you were wondering, there's a camera on every one

of those boxes.

Who do you think decided to stay on you?

You don't have the ball to do that.

No?

Well, then you killed your own fucking show.

Well, I think we're going to be all right.

I just got word we're very close to signing Mr. Howie Mandel. Yeah?

Great. That's right.

It's time to pass the old baton.

He probably won't touch it, but who can blame him?

Oh, by the way, let me know if you need any more boxes.

And then watching him try to get out the door at the end. Longest 45 minutes of

my life. By watching Stephen Hawking thread a needle.

Oh, look.

I'm out of here.

We've been trying to call you all day.

Yeah, I had to turn my phone off. Oh, my God, it's everywhere.

What do you think?

In the room, we've been calling it Maticate.

Once or twice.

Well, they fired me. What? No.

Oh, my God.

Get in. I don't want anyone to see me.

Might want to put up your top, then.

It's nice out.

Just get in.

Uh, where are we going?

Anywhere but here.

Afraid we're too back in the room.

And our card here.

I just got fired. Am I dicked online?

Yeah, right. You win.

You realize...

When I die, this is what they're going to remember me for?

After everything else, it'll be this one stupid thing.

I know. It doesn't seem fair to all the other stupid things you've done.

I'm serious.

This is going to follow me for the rest of my life.

You don't know. Give it time.

People forget.

They're still talking about Janet Jackson's nipple.

That didn't squirt anything at anybody.

You have ruined so many meals for me.

It's such bullshit.

There are people who've committed real crimes and aren't in jail.

You realise you're not in jail either?

I can't go home.

Because you have paparazzi in front of your house.

How's this?

How's that?

It's on.

You don't have to watch it.

It's the last one I'm on. You should see it.

Good evening. I'm Merk Lapidus, executive producer of The Box.

Fuck me.

The episode you're about to see was filmed last night before the unfortunate

incident I'm sure you're all aware of.

Scumbag. We considered postponing tonight's broadcast, but we felt it

wouldn't be fair to the contestants or the millions of fans of the game. We

apologize to anyone who may have been offended by the images you saw today.

They don't reflect the spirit of good, clean fun that this game represents.

Good, clean. There's shit in those boxes.

I hope you continue to join us as we move forward from this regrettable

event.

And now, without further ado, enjoy the box.

Seven people.

Elliot Salad on one.

Holy shit. Are you looking at these overnights?

Seriously, holy shit. We haven't seen numbers like this since 9-11.

So, now what?

Oh, there's no question.

He's back in? He was never out.

Thanks.

You sitting down?

Sort of.

Numbers through the roof.

No shit.

All is forgiven. You're back. In fact, they're adding another night.

Seriously? Yep. Get your ass down there. You got a show to shoot.

Hmm.

Let's see.

He has demands?

What can I say? He appreciates the added value he now brings to the show.

He masturbated in front of America.

And America said, thank you. What does he want?

He wants what? A guaranteed series with 13 on the air.

Jesus Christ.

He wants to act.

Oh, and he wants one other thing.

You wanted to see me?

Yep.

That's it. Just wanted to see you.

You know, in the light.

we open up the box.

Anybody got any Windex?

you're in a unique position do a show that'll make people go i didn't know he

could do that you guys gotta do it we're a little busy helping to destroy our

current show hello so sorry have you considered doing helen he

was like so much work yes it would cut into your busy day i made a mistake i

feel bad you had to see that naked lady and daddy's penis so we're good i think