Original subtitles

I'm not going to be a fucking game show host.

This could be serious money for you. And right now, you need serious money.

I don't have to like you.

You don't have to like me.

Not to worry. I'm excited about this. I know you are. When I read the thing, I

was like, oh my God, they're making our show.

No, actually, the show Bev and I are doing is vastly different from that

thing you and I kicked around.

Well, that's not true. I'm not going to let my personal issues get in the way

of... For which we are very...

Very appreciative.

That said, there's one small change that I'd like to make.

Sorry I'm late.

Fighting, isn't it? I think it's best if him runs the show.

Previously on The Bot, it was payback time for Jessica when Kojo disadvantaged

her with 100 hamsters.

That's too many hamsters. Everyone assumed she would retaliate, but Jessica

had a bigger plan.

She and Jonathan formed an alliance and pooled their points. They gave Chelsea

48 hours of Gilbert Gottfried in her box. Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert

Gottfried! Meanwhile,

Zack lowered race... So Wraith paid Zack back by filling his box with A. It

turned out to be the last brawl. And on day 36, Zack was eliminated from the

game. With only six players left, Danica went on a winning streak.

Answering four primo questions in a row, amassing a total of 46 advantage.

Will she use them to exact revenge on Jonathan?

Or will she spend them on a major luxury item for herself?

Find out tonight as we open up the box.

Seven people.

17 weeks.

Only one will beat the box.

Okay, anybody do math?

Do math.

Welcome to Day 37 of The Box.

Let's get right to it and see what our box mates are up to. I have a feeling

that Kelsey might just be at the end of her rope.

And the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, Let the children of Israel

go out of your land.

Sorry to interrupt. Kelsey, gotta ask.

Is this the worst disadvantage so far?

Oh, yeah. No question.

God. will smite you for that.

So, Gilbert, how's it going for you?

Oh, it's a festival of joy and light in here.

Having a good time, are you? How could I not being stuck in a box with young

Kathy Bates?

All right, we'll check back in with you soon.

And Moe just hit on to the Lord, behold.

Danica? Hi, Matt.

So, 46 advantages.

More than anyone in the game so far.

Yay me.

Everyone's dying to know.

Are you going to use them to do something even worse to Jonathan?

Although, I don't know what that could possibly be.

Or are you going to buy something incredible for yourself?

Wait, wait. Don't answer yet.

We'll find out when we come back.

Right after this.

Just saying the words. It's so fun.

Such a good show tonight. What do you think she's going to do with her

advantages? I don't fucking care.

Oh, and look who's here.

Hey, twice in one week. Are you kidding? I can't stay away.

It's my new favorite show.

Liking those numbers, huh? Liking them. They're what I think about when I'm

screwing my wife.

Whoa, what a great crowd!

I'm going to show you all a little something that's going to be hitting the

newsstand tomorrow.

Guess who's on the cover of this week's People magazine?

Matt Lobach!

Very impressive.

You're right out there with JonBenet and some girl who lost 80 pounds.

All right, go fuck yourself.

Cover of People, not bad.

Also, by the way, you are going to be on their world's most beautiful list. Oh, I

haven't been on that in ten years. Well, you're beautiful again, my friend.

What do you got for me? Well, you received a very generous offer from

Celebrity Wife Swap. I'm not doing Wife Swap. Celebrity Wife Swap. I'm not even

fucking married. It's a good offer.

I'm talking about acting.

Look, everybody loves you. You know that, but this is how they see you now.

As a fucking game show host?

I've been doing this for five minutes. I've been an actor through. I know, I

know. Well, what about the network?

Ellie Salad just told me I'm what he thinks about when he's inside his wife.

That's got to be good for 13 on air. Look, this is the box that they like you

in. Well, what if I don't like this box? Oh, come on. It's a nice box. It's a box

full of money.

Matt, 20 seconds.

Can't you just look at it as reinventing yourself?

As a shittier version of me?

We're back in 10, people.

46 advantages.

Yep. If you really want to get back at Jonathan, you've got honey and feathers,

hideous stench, and finally, 200 live frogs

ready to drop.

There's a reason they were a plague in the Bible. I'm sure Gilbert could tell

us something about that.

Don't interrupt me. It's getting to the fun part. It's not looking good for

Lot's wife.

You could buy a luxury item for yourself. With 46 advantages, you could

get, ooh, mattress and pillows, a steak dinner with all the fixings,

TV for a week, or a warm, soapy shower.

Danica, what's it going to be?

Sophie Sauer. All right, go ahead and cue the shower.

Love this fucking show.

Hello? Tim, it's Beverly.

I'm afraid I can't... Come in today.

Sean is dead.

What?

Oh, my God.

I know.

But what can you do? You can't come to work when your husband's dead.

And there really is no excuse better than that.

Sean is dead?

As a doornail.

So, who knows when I'll be back.

I've got all kinds of widow-y things to do. And then there's the trauma.

In all likelihood, you and I will never, ever see each other again.

Goodbye, Tim.

Good luck with the show.

What? No, nothing.

Any other thoughts on page 19?

19? 19?

19? No? Page 20.

I really think we need to cut this whole bit with the boat.

What? No, you can't. You need the boat bit. I realise it was in your original

draft, but darling, sometimes you have to let the words go.

Do we?

If you cut the bit with the boat, it's all exposition. The boat bit's the only

funny part of the scene.

I hope we're not keeping things in just because they're funny.

In the comedy.

You two are so old school.

Comedies don't have to be funny anymore.

Some of the biggest comedies aren't even remotely funny.

Audiences don't need your little jokes and your laughs and your humour anymore.

You just have to end after 30 minutes. That's it. Bang. You're a comedy.

We are not cutting.

The boat bit.

The scene needs the whimsy.

All right, Scary.

No need to get fractured.

You know what? We can decide this after lunch. No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I have a surprise.

I made my famous Vietnamese noodles.

At least something good came out of your little wall.

I thought you said we could take off for lunch today.

I know, but then I got inspired.

Now, remind me who's allergic to peanuts.

Nothing missing at all in the windows.

It does smell delicious.

I hope you're joking.

In this new way, where we don't have to be funny.

See? You follow it in the air, and then it shows you where it lands.

It's just like playing on a real course.

You know what's even more like a real course?

A real course.

Yeah, but this way you can play anywhere in the world. As long as you're

downstairs in your basement.

So where are we now?

Uh, St. Andrews in Scotland.

Oh, my brother actually lives ten minutes from there. Oh, yeah?

Maybe after the game we can swing by.

You're kind of an asshole in Scotland.

Holy shit.

I was picturing Tim's head.

I don't know why he's still working with that douche nozzle.

We have no choice.

We don't. It's still our show. We have a financial stake.

We can't let him destroy it completely.

But you're there, like, every night.

Because the twat has no life.

Look, you're the one who said to go for the money.

Well, so stop complaining.

I'm not complaining.

I'm golfing. So golf.

Still think you're wusses.

Jesus.

Tim again?

Actually, that was you that time.

If Muhammad won't come to the mountain, the mountain will come to Muhammad with

bagels. Ah, did you get poppy?

No, the mountain can only get sesame and plain.

Oh, Muhammad is tough.

Even in your kitchen, I'm not comfortable with this conversation.

So, how are you?

Great.

I am.

I am.

Oh, good.

You've got the chive cream tea.

Oh, and there's a half a pound of Nova.

I'm not really a smoked fish person.

Really?

I just assumed.

What? You know, being... What?

Jewish. No?

You thought I was Jewish?

Well, you know, rants and... I don't know.

Show business?

Yeah. No, I'm not Jewish.

You don't have to say it like that. I'm Jewish.

You're Jewish?

Or like that.

Yeah, I'm Jewish.

How did I not know this?

You don't look Jewish. And I mean that as a compliment.

You should probably stop.

Oh, wow.

Is Sean Jewish?

No. Because he actually looks a little Seinfeld-y. I really think we should

move away from the whole looks Jewish arena.

Gotcha.

No. Okay.

Aren't you going to toast it first?

Or is that just a Semitic thing?

I'm hungry.

Are you stoned already?

No. Why?

It's not even 9.15.

Oh!

What?

It's not like I have to be somewhere.

OK, I realise this is a difficult time.

I'm fine. Will you stop saying you're fine? You are not fine.

You won't leave your house, you're stoned before breakfast, and you look

like... What?

I look like what?

You look like what I imagine you'd look like if you'd never left Michigan.

Look, I'm sorry, but you need to hear it. You have to get out. You can't just

spend every day doing nothing.

I don't do nothing. What did you do yesterday?

I woke up. You can't be waking up at something you did. I didn't have to.

All I'm saying is you can't let this defeat you. You've got to... What?

Get a job? I am poison in this town.

God knows what Helen's saying about me. So who's going to give me a

recommendation? Castor? I don't even know if they've released him yet.

But all those years of building relationships.

Surely someone can help you. You had friends at the network.

Are you kidding?

Myra blew me off. Oy.

Have you always had that?

Anything else on page 20?

Page 20.

Page 20.

Oh, look.

It's TV's Joey.

Excuse us.

I keep calling you guys. You're not picking up.

Tim doesn't allow phones in the room.

Allow?

Jesus, you're pussies.

Actually, with everyone's phone going off, we'd never get any work done. And

we're pussies. And we're pussies.

Anyway, so... I just got tickets for Madonna tonight. Want to come?

Mm-hmm.

Madonna, really?

They're free. What time? In her seat, so they're probably really good. Whose

seat? Madonna's. Actually, at Madonna's seat?

She called me. You know Madonna?

Yeah, I know Madonna. Why can't I know Madonna?

How? For like 30 years, since she was like a virgin. I met her at the factory.

What factory?

Andy Warhol's factory.

You knew Andy Warhol? Yeah, why can't I know Andy Warhol? Blondie introduced us.

All right, just stop it. I'm telling you, you guys are the least interesting

people I know.

Aww.

So you want to come or not?

No way he's getting up out.

Here, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Excuse me, Tim.

Hello. I was wondering if there's any chance of getting out a little early

tonight. Yes. We've only got, like, five pages left.

Eh, sure enough.

We should be able to do it. Depending on how long you two stand out there

yammering. He's got a face for punching.

How you doing?

Eh.

And then Reg could say...

What does a guy have to do to get a cookie round here?

Damn cookie or just cookie?

I don't think you need the damn.

What does a guy have to do to get a cookie round here?

To get a damn cookie.

To get a cookie.

Where is the guy? My fingers are digging into the table. It was under my nails.

You know what? Let's just stick with the damn. Yeah.

Definitely. Much better? Do that. Yep. Yep.

So then Mrs Carlton says... Hang on. Is it too long?

Oh, too long, right?

How about just... I want a cookie.

Where's my cookie?

That is funny.

So then... Or maybe with a handle.

Put my God in front of it.

My God, what does a man have to do to get a damn cookie round here?

Perfect. You've got it.

Perfect.

Sold. Okay, okay, okay.

So then, Mrs Carlson says... Sorry, is there something funnier than cookie?

Oh, I think it's funny enough. It is, as you say,

a comedy.

Maybe a particular kind of cookie?

Oreos? Toll House. Help me here. Chips Ahoy.

Malamon. Hydrog. Mint Milano.

Nilla Wafer. Mint Milano.

Girl Scout Cookie. Moon Pie.

Fig Newton.

Ginger Snap.

Mint Milano.

Did someone say fudgy?

Fudgy's funny.

Fudgy is funny.

Fudgy's not funny.

No. What does a man have to do to get a damn fudgy around here?

I love it. We are crazy if we don't go with that.

Yeah? Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Moving on.

Hand me one of those crackers, would you?

Hmm? You say crackers instead of cookie.

That's interesting.

What? No, no, no. No, no, no. No, I was just asking Bev. No, no, no. You're

right. I like it. A cookie's so expected.

But what kind of cracker?

Rip.

Triscuit. Saltine.

Triscuit. Wheat chip.

Cheez-it.

Triscuit. You saw. I did not. I wasn't. That wasn't. That wasn't. I did not. You

heard me. I was just asking.

That's our show. Remember to follow us live online 24 hours a day. Be back here

tomorrow night when we'll be one step closer to finding out who will beat the

box. Good night.

Hey, Gilbert, listen, thanks so much for doing this.

Jesus Christ, it smells like a vagina's vagina in there.

You gotta let these people bathe. That one got to take a shower.

Well, next time put me in her box.

And I mean that in a biblical sense.

Hey.

Hey! You hear me? I said, hey!

I heard you.

Where are we on my fucking window?

Nowhere. Because like I told you, you're not getting a fucking window.

No one has a window. I don't have a window. Why should you get a window?

Because I'm the star of the fucking show.

Yeah? Mr. Ed was the star of Mr.

Ed. But he still had his shit in the barn.

The title's overrated.

Remember when I screwed your wife?

Yeah.

That's it.

Just wanted you to remember.

You're so never getting a window. Oh, I'm getting a window. You know what?

You're an actor. Act like there's a window. You know what? You're a

producer. Go fuck yourself.

Did you know that the secret to making the perfect crepe is to chill the batter

the night before?

Here's a notion. Why don't we keep working?

While we eat our crepes.

What? No.

We should at least take a moment to favour them. Well, slightly more than a

moment, because don't forget I've got to do a gluten-free batch for Amanda.

Jesus, Amanda, eat the gluten. It's the best part.

Right. Hi. See.

Here's the thing. It seems like we have a chance to get out of here at a

reasonable hour tonight.

For once.

I say, we grab it.

Just because you two have some kind of plan.

Not just us. We have all worked every night for the last six weeks. And I'm

using worked in the broadest sense, including not only our show, but your

cooking show and helping you to pick out a cat. And while we all appreciate the

food and we love Mr Twizzleboots, I'm sure everybody here would also

love to get home.

To their families.

We're just asking for one night off.

Well, not quite sure what to say.

Just thought the crepes would be a special treat, but we don't have to have

them. Most people don't want them.

No, no, we do. We totally do.

Well,

now you just think.

No, no, we really do.

They smell delicious.

That's the gluten.

And as far as taking a night off, I suppose we could.

People would rather go home than get the job done.

Sorry, I don't mean to be overly professional, but I think the work has

to come first.

Now, who's having apples and who's having cheese?

Yeah. Oh, Mr. Lapidus. I'm sorry to call so late, but, um, we kind of have a

situation here.

Uh, Matt LeBlanc is down on the stage.

Now? Yeah, he's, um... Well, he's kind of having a sex thing with, uh, with

Danica. Hang on. Hang on.

Let me turn on my feet.

Don't worry, none of it has gone out. So long as I stay off Danica's camera,

nobody can see it. But I thought you should know.

No, no, no.

I'm glad you called. You did the right thing.

Do me a favor, Kenny.

Switch the live feed to Danica's box.

I'm saying if you stay off of Danica's camera... No, no, no. I hear you. Just

switch it. It's fine.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. I take full responsibility. Just switch it.

And let it run.

Wow.

Uh, okay, okay.

Oh, and do me a favor.

Zoom in on Matt.

Ah, that's nice.

Thanks for calling, Kenny.

You have a good night.

There's more. More?

He masturbated in front of America.

It's not my job to keep his dick in his pants.

Who's watching the monitors?

That putz is long gone.

You could see that thing from space.

It looks like he broke the rules all over that box.

What the hell were you thinking?

I still wish I could get through that glass.

I don't want anyone to see me. Put up your top, then.

Nice.