Original subtitles

Oh, look.

There's your girlfriend.

She's not my... Almost got me there.

Almost. She's got this idea.

You might be... What? In love with me.

In love with you?

Well, you don't have to say it like that.

Promise me you will stay away from Carol.

She's my friend.

I'm begging you. The last thing you need is to get between two lesbians.

or one and a half lesbians or whatever Carol is right now. I'm not going to be

a fucking game show host.

This could be serious money for you. And right now, you need serious money.

I don't have to like you. You don't have to like me.

Not to worry. We are professional.

Like two old whores. Who won't we fuck?

I'm excited about this.

I know you are.

By the way, enjoy this, because it's the last time I'm meeting you here. I think

it's fun.

Fun doesn't usually smell like this. So you pick a place. Well, you have to

agree, it's insane.

At what point can we stop living in fear of your girlfriend?

Excuse me.

Hi. Would you give us a moment, please? We're kind of using the space.

I am just... I am just... I am just...

All

right.

I am just... Tomorrow morning, I am going on a hike by myself alone.

7.30, our usual spot.

Do with that what you need.

Okay, gotcha.

Let me say this.

Life was simpler before you became a lesbian.

A lesbian?

I'm not a lesbian.

Really? What would you call it? I don't know. I feel uncomfortable with labels.

Well, label or not, if you open a can and there's beans in it...

It's a can of beans.

Where were you?

Oh, just...

Once the contestants are in the boxes, we begin the questioning.

Okay. You ask them questions. If they get them right, they get points.

By the way, it's obviously too late for the pilot, but if this thing goes, maybe

think about a few trips to the gym.

I'd fucking go to the gym.

Yeah, well, maybe less with the juice bar and more with the machines.

Just saying.

Seriously? This is coming from you?

Just saying.

I'm not the one in front of the camera. I don't have to be pretty. Mission

accomplished.

Gentlemen.

Yeah. Sorry. Go on.

The contestants can use their advantages to it.

A, they can acquire necessities for themselves.

Like a blanket, a chair, food. Or B, they can use their advantages to punish

the other contestants. They can make the other boxes colder, hotter, or fill them

with bugs.

Really? Bugs? Oh, yeah, yeah. They always go for the bugs.

And then you say, release the bugs, and the audience goes, release the bugs!

And then you do not want to be in that fucking box.

Jesus. Can they get out? The bugs or the people?

Either.

No.

Okay, don't look.

But there's a guy who has been staring at you for the last ten minutes.

Me? Uh-huh. Oh, he's getting up.

He's coming over here. And if it's who I think it is...

Carol? It is.

That's totally fair. I'm so sorry to interrupt. I just, I had to say hello.

Oh, my God.

Hi.

Um, Helen Bash, Castor Soda. Oh, it's nice to finally meet you. You too. How's

my old office? I bet you're still picking pills out of the rug. Just like

Liza Minnelli's dressing room.

Um, I also wanted to apologize for... I don't even know where to start.

What I put this poor woman through, I'm sure she's told you. Maybe a few

colorful highlights.

Oh, I was a nightmare.

But you were amazing through all of it.

Wow.

You seem like you're doing much better now. Much. I'm back on my meds. I even

started some new meds. Couldn't hurt.

No argument there.

Well, I'm happy you're doing well.

Actually, really well.

I'm not supposed to say, but I just found out I'm going to be running the

CW. No.

What happened to... No, he's going over to ABC.

It's all very hush-hush still. They're going to be making the announcement next

week. Wow.

Congratulations. Thanks. I know. It's crazy.

Better that kind of crazy than my usual.

Anyway,

I'll let you get back to it. Again, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry, Fred.

It's fine.

It's not. No, but thank you for saying something.

Take care.

Nice meeting you. You too.

Five second rule.

Three, four, five. Holy shit. Bet you didn't see that coming. They're letting

him run a network again?

They rolled him out of ours strapped to a thing like Hannibal Lecter. By the

way, he's much hotter in person.

Yeah, he's dreamy.

Or a guy.

Please. Wow. Thank you. No.

Ech. Period.

We should get a check.

Hello.

Hey, it's me. Can you talk?

Uh, sure.

I have a question for you. I couldn't ask in front of Helen. And I may be way

out of line here, but... I'd like to offer you a job. I'm actually seeing

someone. I'm sorry, what?

What? I didn't hear what you said.

You're offering me a job?

Yes. I'd love for you to be my number two again.

They said I can bring in anyone I want. I'll pay you twice what you're getting

now.

I need you here.

I'm really flattered.

But I'm very happy where I am. I love working for Helen.

I could never, literally twice.

I want you to be happy.

No, no, I can't. Look, I get that you have trepidations. How could you not?

But I still think we could make a hell of a team.

I promise I can be the person you thought I was.

Even though I... At least think about it. If it's a no, I totally understand.

But until it is, I'm hoping it's a yes.

So excited about tomorrow night?

So depressed and morose about tomorrow night?

There you go.

What exactly is this game?

It's just seven idiots trying to stay inside these boxes for 17 weeks.

They're in the boxes the whole time?

Yep. Dear God, why would someone do that?

Money, to be on TV.

I know, it's crazy.

Although... What?

Well, you're willing to be a game show host for money and to be on TV.

It's a little bit different.

Is it?

Well, for one thing, I'm making a shitload a month.

Well, I'm sure for them, whatever they're getting is a shitload of money.

Yeah, well, I'm not stuck in a box.

What?

Not literal box, but you're trapped doing this thing you don't want to do in

front of everybody.

No way out.

What are you doing?

Nothing. I just think it's ironic.

You know what else is ironic?

What?

That's not actually what irony is.

Look at you all gutsy. I wasn't sure you were going to turn up.

I know.

It's like all those years sneaking around with married guys.

Kind of makes me feel alive again.

Also, Helen's in New York at an affiliate meeting.

So not that gutsy. Oh, so what?

Look, I swore I would never give you advice again. Nobody believes that.

Well, good, because if you take this job with Carter, you're as crazy as he is.

First of all, it's twice the money.

No.

It might be good for me and Helen not to be together all the time. Oh, no.

It's a brilliant plan.

You going to work for your male ex-lover?

That won't feed her already spectacular paranoia. I'm just saying, I think...

Hi, girls.

What a warm welcome.

Oh, God.

What are you doing here? I think the question is, what are you doing here?

What are we both?

Look, this is not what you think. It has never been what you think. This is just

a bloody haircut. It's not like I'm wearing a strap-on on my head.

Oh, pubie, I swear, there is nothing going on. It's just two friends on a

hike. Bullshit.

Two friends do not sneak off on a hike. And you can drop the pubie. Probably for

the best.

You said you were going to be at a breakfast meeting this morning. Well,

you said you were in New York. And look what happened.

You know what?

It doesn't matter.

I'm done.

You can have her.

I don't want her. I don't want her either.

Oh, come on. What I want is all your shit out of my house.

Can we please? Today.

Your cheap moisturizer, your stupid sleep goggles, and especially that

fucking scrunchie.

Really?

Okay. And I would like my ankle bracelet back.

Seriously?

Okay.

And I believe that's my top?

Fine. I'll bring it to the office. Now. Now?

Now.

No. Now.

Okay.

Here you go.

My bra. Oh, come on. You want to start with me? Give her the bra. What?

Bra.

She's all yours.

I'm fine.

Securing the boxes.

Up 10%. Securing the boxes.

Hey, there's our star.

What's with the vest?

What do you mean?

The vest.

I never approved that. I didn't approve of what you approved.

Seriously? Lose the vest.

I like the vest.

No, I'm telling you, the vest is not your friend. It's classy. It's

thickening. It's Armani. Well, then let him fucking wear it. I gotta say, I'm

looking at my reflection on your forehead, and I think I look good.

Trust me on this.

I've got your best interests at heart.

Okay.

Appreciate it.

Can't stop her.

Well, look who's here with Downton Abbey.

Why, why, why, why, why?

Come here.

I heard about the new show.

Very exciting. Tell me.

Well, it's a project we actually developed in England, and everyone loved

it, but nothing seemed to be happening. And then, remarkably... Sounds great.

Excuse me a second.

Mrs. Banch.

Oh, Mr.

McEden.

So, how's it going?

Fantastic. You and Matt having fun?

Oh, he's terrific.

Really? You're happy?

Happy isn't even the word.

Oh. That's what I wanted to hear.

My God.

Did you see that look she just gave you?

What look?

Seriously. I'm surprised it didn't leave a mark.

Is there still that insanity about you and Carol?

Okay, there's something I need to tell you.

What?

And FYI, I will be forced to remind you of all the times you didn't listen to

me. Oh, shit.

I was on a hike with Carol this morning. Bloody hell, I told you not to... This

would be the moment when I remind you of all the things... Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah.

We came around a bend in the trail and... No!

She may as well have been wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete.

Do we still have a show?

Maybe you do. Jesus Christ. Hi, kids. Oh, perfect.

How was the rest of your day? Great.

He knows.

Oh, it was a fucking nightmare. She hates me.

Shit, she just saw us with you. Get away, get away.

Go.

Hey.

So, what is going on with you and Helen?

What? What?

It's like Frozen without the songs.

Don't tell me it's over.

What's over?

Okay, no offense, but you stay here.

So? I was right.

It's a dark night in Girl Town.

Jesus. Yep.

Get ready for a big, fat mess.

Speaking of which, where's Myra?

I haven't seen her.

Huh.

That's it. Keep pushing.

You made it. Don't you look sharp?

Yeah. You like the vest?

It's terrific.

Very sippy.

Yeah, well, that asshole won't let me wear it. I don't even let you.

It's your show, too.

Hmm. What are you doing?

What are you doing? What a stirring shit all over the place today.

We're starting in two, everyone.

Starting in two.

Matt, I need you backstage.

Here we go.

Have fun. That sucks.

All right.

You look like a terrific audience.

Have a good show.

I'm sorry, Miss Rance.

You can't stand here.

Oh, sorry.

Better? No.

You can't stand anywhere.

Mrs. Bash would like you off the stage.

No problem, that's fine.

Okay.

Hi, it's me.

If it's still available, I'll take the job.

Okay, okay, okay.

Is everybody ready?

Here we go, people.

In five, four, three, go camera one.

Seven people.

17 weeks.

Only one will beat the box.

Camera two. Camera one. Matt, go for it. On its mark.

I'm trying to quit.

I really am.

Roll one.

Welcome to the box. Camera one, go.

How you doing?

Ah, glad we got that out of the way.

Camera one, stand by. Yep.

Going to camera one.

Hey, Eric.

Hey. A little chilly in there?

A little bit. I bet.

So, okay, you've got 17 advantages, more than anyone else so far.

You can use them to buy something for yourself, like Mike and Kelly did.

Let's see what's left on the board.

Somehow I'm thinking we don't need an umbrella or a mystery novel, but a coat.

Ooh, how's a nice, comfy down coat sound right now?

Sounds real good.

Or you can use your advantages to disadvantage one of your fellow

contestants. Maybe get back at Claire.

Just saying.

You can make someone's box ten degrees hotter.

We've still got feather, stinky cheese, Gilbert Gottfried,

and with 17 advantages, just enough to release the bugs.

There's the bugs.

There's the bugs.

Someone make sure Gilbert's ready. You got it.

Matt?

I would like to spend all my advantages to release the bugs on Claire.

Wow, okay.

Hey, Pete, love the tuck.

Hi, Claire.

Hi.

This is what happens when you take a guy's pants.

So Eric went for the bugs.

You like bugs?

I really don't. I can't wait to meet the person who says yeah to that question.

So, you have a choice. You can become roommates with a bunch of creepy, crawly

guys, or you can ask me to open your box and forfeit the game.

What's it going to be?

Go for the bugs.

Go for the fucking bugs.

Five seconds.

I can't do it. I really hate bugs.

Please, open my box.

I'm sure.

Open my box.

Okay.

six aren't going to give up so easily.

We'll find out right after this.

We're back in five, everyone.

We're going to change that line, right? She can't really ask me to open her box.

Can we keep this audience?

the fucking best.

I like this. Yeah, well, when this is done, we gotta set some fucking ground

rules. Definitely.

Somehow you got the idea that I work for you.

Yeah, and what idea do you have?

Look around.

Are you the show?

Or am I the show?

If they got rid of you, who gives a shit?

There's a hundred of you.

We'll just open up another box of short, fat producers.

All right. You and I need to have a little talk.

Fine.

You don't think you're replaceable?

Wake up.

This isn't ten years ago. You're a guy who used to be. You're a rerun. You're

hosting a fucking game show. Look up. Way up there. You know what that is?

That's the top of the barrel.

Listen, you big bag of assholes.

You don't tell me what to do.

Really? Really. Really. You bring nothing to this.

Fuck you.

All right, you know what? If we're going to do this piece of crap, I don't want

to see your face.

Oh, really?

Really. Really? Really.

Really? You don't talk to me. You don't look at me. You can take your hugs and

your annoying laugh and your teeny tiny dick.

Oh, yeah?

Jamie told me.

You'd think having only one bar would make it look bigger, but apparently not

so much. Fuck you. No, fuck you!

You know what?

Actually, I already fucked you. You know your NBC pilot?

Who do you think? Told Elliot Salad about it. What?

Why do you think they picked up books?

Oh yeah, that's my tiny dick in your ass, my friend.

Somehow,

I feel like we've seen this show before.

Like that?

Securing the bus.

Release the bus!

Release the bus!

Release the bus!

Release the bus!

Release the bus! Release the bus!

Release the bus!

Release the bus!

Give us each a pony. Why would she kill the show in person? It's something they

do over the phone. Not if she wants to see the look on your face.

Maybe Carol knows something.

This is her office, isn't it?

I think so.

I'm Carol Rance.

I'm starting today.

Oh, hi.

Can you please let Caster Soto know I'm here?

Uh, I have an Esther DeVito.

No, no.

Caster Soto.

It's not official yet, but he's the new head of the network.

Hang on.

Hi.

There's a woman here.

Carol Rance. Carol Rance. She's looking for Carter. Caster. Caster Soto.

She says he's the new head of the network.

Uh-huh.

Okay. Yes, that's what I thought.

Yes, there's no Caster Soto here.

No one knows who he is or what you're talking about.

That's insane.

I am not a very forgiving woman, and I don't appreciate being made a fool of.

I'm sorry, may I just say there's never been anything between my wife... Oh,

honey, please.

If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it's fucking my ex

-girlfriend. Like a duck.

But, you know what?

First and foremost...

I am a professional, and your show is important to this network. So I'm not

going to let my personal issues get in the way of that.

For which we are very, very appreciative.

Very.

That said, there's one small change that I'd like to make.

Sorry, I'm late.

Lighting, isn't it?

Oh, I was just about to tell them.

I think it's best if...

Him runs the show.