All language subtitles for Episodes404

When I read the thing, I was like, oh,
my God, they're making our show.

No, actually, the show Bev and I are
doing is vastly different from that

thing you and I kicked around. Well,
that's not true.

Fucking hell.

I meant that.

Yeah, this is nice.

I meant drinking.

So, you're type?

I'd say smart, beautiful, slightly

damaged. You know anyone like that?

Oh.

Oh, we are so screwed.

I disagree.

Darling, we are so screwed that large
men with tools could not unscrew us. Our

script is totally different from what's
in those notes.

Totally? All right, we've got two
families played by the same group of

actors. You mean the premise?

Fine, the premise. But it was my idea.
He offered nothing.

All Tim did was type it. Well, clearly
that's where the money is.

And by the way, don't you think it's a
little odd that this is the first you're

telling me any of this? Because there
was no this to tell.

It was just an idea.

Well, there's a this now.

Just pisses me off that he has the nerve
to suddenly claim we came up with it

together. Doesn't matter who came up
with it. You were his partner.

Are you really taking his side?

Oh, believe me, the irony of this, I am
choking on it. But I'm sorry, he is

within his rights.

Wait.

You mean to tell me...

That if Albert Einstein came up with the
theory of relativity... Really? That's

who you're comparing yourself to? To
make a point.

Fine. If Einstein came up with the
theory of relativity... And his useless

partner, Schmeinstein, did nothing but
write it on the board, he should

share equal credit.

If he's his partner, yes.

And then it will rightfully be called
Einstein and Schmeinstein.

theory of relativity to the absolute
delight of school children everywhere.

How much tequila did we have?

I'd say just enough.

There goes four years of therapy out the
window.

Yeah.

Come on.

We had fun.

I had fun.

What's bad?

You want to do something today?

Together? Why not?

Your mom's got the kids. I got nothing.

You got nothing.

I'm supposed to have lunch with my
sister.

Okay, so you got worse than nothing.

Come out to the beach.

You haven't been to the house in a
while.

I fucking love that house.

Shouldn't have divorced me.

It's not that great a house.

Whoa.

So, yeah?

Malibu?

Sure, why not?

What?

You're nice when you're nice.

Good morning.

Coffee? No, I'm fine, thank you. I'm
having some. Okay.

What a pretty kitchen.

Hello.

Wow,

two islands.

Yeah. I like to think that...
Originally, they were one big island,

but then over time, they drifted apart.

Milk and sugar?

No, I'm fine.

Don't you take it with you? I do, yes.

Okay. Breathe.

Again.

Do you feel better?

A little bit.

Last night was nice. Oh, last night was
amazing.

And I got to say, for someone who has
never done it before... It was a little

weird at first.

I mean, there's nothing to hold on to.
Oh, no. It's an adjustment. No question.

But, I mean, you just picked it right
up. Oh, well.

I'm a people pleaser.

I will say.

No, I'm okay.

Do it again.

Watch.

Shit.

Do you gotta get that?

No, it's just a reminder.

About? Just a thing. A hike with
Beverly.

Oh, of Sean and Beverly? Yeah, I'll
cancel.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Go.

Hike.

I don't want to hike. I want to stay
with you.

Unless you want me to go. Oh, no, no,
no, no. I want you to stay.

You know, unless you want to go.

No.

Unless... You want to come?

I would love to come.

Unless you think Beverly would want...
No, no, she really likes you. And she

doesn't like anybody.

She barely likes me.

Okay, great.

Yay.

I just need to run home and change.

Oh, I got stuff you can wear.

Really? You sure?

Of course. You can borrow anything.

Okay.

Who likes this lesbian thing?

I hope it's okay.

I don't want to... Of course it's okay.

Now she can't complain about work.

Oh, this is new. I like it.

Me too.

Pat.

So, this is a good sign.

The two of you together on your first
day off, I gather week one went well.

Would you say it went well?

Oh, I... I'd say it went very well.

I do declare it is getting mighty toasty
up here. What?

She hates my voices.

What? Not to hate.

Oh, I think they're fun.

You do?

You don't. I do.

Why, Miss Bash, you flatter me.

It's usually when I hurl myself off this
cliff.

Great.

What? I'm out.

Oh, take mine.

No. That's crazy.

Are you sure?

Totally.

Finish it. No.

It's fine. Really?

Really. You're both welcome to mine. No,
that's okay.

Thank you.

Morning. Ah, somebody's in a good mood.

I was just thinking, how great is it to
fuck your wife?

Sorry, what?

What?

Oh, no, no, no.

Not your wife. One's wife.

I see why you'd... No, no, no.

No, no, I just fucked my wife.

Well, ex-wife. Thank you for clarifying.

This is so easy.

I know what she likes.

She knows what I like. I know what she
won't do.

She... Well, really not that I won't do.

So you and Diane.

Amazing.

I know, almost a week now.

And the boyfriend?

Not that that would ever be an
impediment to you.

Done. Gone.

Bye-bye, Ollie.

All right, I can't believe I'm actually
going to go here, but at one point you

talked about an issue with her...

nether.

Oh, the loose pussy thing? And already
I'm sorry I went there.

Yeah, she had that taken care of after
the divorce.

She had that surgery where they'd get in
there and tighten everything up.

Dear God.

Yeah, it cost me a bundle. Although,
looking back, money well spent.

Split a bagel?

Hey, anyway, look. I know you're going
to say I'm nuts, but... I'm kind of

thinking I could see us making it
permanent again. After a week?

Why not?

This wouldn't by any chance have a
little something to do with your current

financial situation?

Well, the savings would be...

Considerable. There we go.

Seriously, if I could stop paying
alimony and child support, Jesus, I

wouldn't have to sell my vineyard. You
should definitely work that in when you

propose. Look, we never really stopped
loving each other. And being back with

my boys full time, come on.

Plus, my money guys think I can get at
least three million for the house.

So I read through those notes from that
Tim guy, and I ran them past legal.

And you have a legal problem.

Thank you.

Seriously? He's got a valid claim.

Legally? Legally, according to legal.

Bloody hell.

So what now?

I say let's go park.

Okay, nobody panic. Let me talk to him.
If we have to, we'll give him a little

something. But don't worry, I'll make
this go away.

Good luck. Let us know.

Until the nightmare continues.

According to legal.

Oh, good.

The irony bus is here.

Stupid town.

I fucking hate you.

Just ask her. I can't. Too weird.

She's getting bigger every day.

I know. I figure eventually she'll
either have a baby or six trillion

minors will dig their way out.

It's unbelievable.

What's unbelievable?

Jesus, it looks like she lives in a
clock.

I was just telling Andy I found out my
cousin Karen

is pregnant.

She's not married. I don't think she
even has a boyfriend, but nobody cares.

Because we all love her.

And we're just happy for her.

Know what I'm saying?

Uh-huh.

My cousin Franny has alopecia.

Without her wig, she looks like Ben
Kingsley.

So we're telling cousin stories.

Hey, have you seen this list from Mark?
What list?

Possible hosts for his Dutch game show.

Oh, how is it?

Well, it's clear that he did it himself.

Too old. Too old.

Way too old.

Dead? Mm-hmm.

Since, like, Cocoon. I think we need a
new list.

Oh, and when you get a sec, I've got
those budget numbers in my office.

I can do that now.

Great.

See you guys later. Bye.

Bye-bye.

What? No.

No. Mm-hmm. Really?

Uh-huh.

Oh.

You gotta go.

No, I don't. Yeah, you do.

I want you out of here before the boys
get up.

Why?

I don't want to confuse them.

Or... We can make it less confusing.

I have no idea what that means.

What if we did this in like... The more
permanent way.

Are you still drunk?

Before you say no, what do you think of
getting married again?

Go home.

Is that so crazy?

Yeah, that's crazy.

Why?

This feels right.

You know it does.

Where are you going to find this again?

Huh? With stupid Ollie?

At least with me, you know what you get.

I'll say.

So then what?

Someone new?

You want to start from scratch?

Ugh, so much work.

You have to be nice all the time.

Only at the beginning.

Did you just fart? No.

Liar. Shut up.

See, who else can you fart in front of?
Yeah, marry that person.

Come on.

Think about the boys.

Huh? How great would it be for them if
we got back together?

And it'd be different now. Why?

Because now I'd know what I'd be losing.

You're insane.

Maybe.

Just think about it.

Go home.

You gotta admit, this is way better than
my last proposal.

In that you weren't coming? Exactly.

So you actually broached it with her? I
believe I did, if broach means what I

think it does.

And? She didn't say no.

Well, you didn't think she would just
say yes.

She was engaged to someone else, like,
two minutes ago.

I'd say yes to me. Of course, but you're
in love with you.

Well, that wouldn't kick me out of bed.

And you're really ready to do this?

Why not?

Um, it's a commitment.

I know, I've made commitments before.

Exactly.

This is different, is it?

Yeah. You're prepared to be faithful
this time. Totally.

Faithful.

Yes. No other women ever again for the
rest of your life.

Okay, let's not get crazy.

It's open.

This just came for you.

It says perishable. Great, thanks. Leave
it here.

Diane's favorite thing in the world is
these steamed crabs from Baltimore, so I

had a ton of them flown in to surprise
her.

I see the belt tightening is going well.

I have to tell you, I couldn't even get
a meeting with a junior agent from your

agency, and now here I am being taken to
lunch by the famous Eileen Jaffe.

It's like a dream.

I know.

Oh, I may be way off base, and tell me
if it's none of my business.

The other day, on our hike?

Yeah.

I, um, I thought I sent a certain,

I don't know, maybe I'm crazy, between
you and

Helen.

Mm-hmm.

Really? Yep. Huh.

Mm-hmm.

But you're not.

Mm-hmm.

Since when?

What's today?

Oh, my God.

Please tell me this isn't just because
you work for her. No, no, no.

This is totally different.

I would say so.

She is amazing.

It's everything I always wanted in a
relationship.

Everything? Well, sure, no dick, but
hello, those dicks? They come with dick.

Well, yours all certainly did.

But with her...

We hang out. We have fun. We do stuff.

I've been to her house.

No. She thinks I'm funny.

Really? That's surprised.

Really?

And, uh, the... part?

Let's just say the lady knows her way
around the vagina.

You'd think I'd stop eating.

And, um, from a reciprocal standpoint.

Oh, well, obviously. I've never seen one
that close before.

Yeah, obviously.

I thought it'd be a little weird, but
once you get down there, it's like, ow,

I know you.

Sure.

But the best part is when we're... She's
really there,

you know?

With those guys, a lot of the time, I
felt like a sock with someone else's

foot in it.

Okay, I'm done.

But with Helen, it's like we're
together.

It just feels right.

It's easy.

It's nice.

My God.

I know.

It's weird, but...

I might be happy.

It certainly seems like it.

So, maybe it was just about finding the
right boss.

Maybe.

Carol and Helen?

I did not see that coming. I don't think
Carol did either.

Oh, Helen, eh.

Apparently so.

But Carol's not, officially.

I don't think she's earned all her
badges.

Wendy?

Wendy?

Wendy?

Maybe she hasn't learned that's her name
yet.

Hello. Hi. Hi, guys.

Oh, hello. So, I just had a lovely lunch
with Tim.

And? I'm glad I did because it turns out
he doesn't want money.

Really? Is that a surprise? He just
wants to be involved.

Meaning?

He wants to run the show with you. What?

Insane. By the way, if he's running the
show, wouldn't he get money?

Yes, but he doesn't just want money. I
should have said it that way.

Well, I hope you said no. I said I'd
talk to you.

I thought you were going to make this go
away.

So did I.

Christ.

Look, he's got us over a barrel.

Now I hear you.

Well, if the alternative's a hideous
lawsuit, maybe we just fuck it up.

I thought the whole idea of this show is
that there wouldn't be any more sucking,

that we were done with sucking.

Hmm. There may be a little more suck.

Hey, Martella.

Is Diana around?

I think she's upstairs.

Great.

Who's this?

I'm Ollie.

You're Ollie?

I'm Ollie.

What the fuck is he doing here? What the
fuck are you doing here? I've got crabs.

You've got crabs?

No, crabs.

Crabs.

You can't just show up here. Yeah,
that's not going to be a problem.

What's that?

Crabs. I got you your fucking crabs.
From Baltimore?

Yeah, from Baltimore.

But you know what? You don't deserve
crabs.

I don't know what to say. He came over
to get his stuff. We started talking.

Well, someone should tell him not to
talk with his mouth full.

Wow.

You said you were done with him. I was
done with him.

I was done with you, too.

Things happen. You of all people should
know that. Don't make this about me.

All right, all right. But for what it's
worth, I am done with him.

Well, for what it's worth...

I'm done, too. I'm sorry. It was stupid.
It meant nothing.

Mother!

If there's any consolation, these are
delicious.

Nope. No consolation. Well, in that
case, I am really not a fan.

I still can't believe it. It's so
shocking.

I keep picturing the four of you in that
shower.

You came to the craft?

I was.

How could she do this to me?

I don't know.

Look, I know how you're feeling right
now. No, you don't. Well, I can imagine.

No, you can't.

Nevertheless, are you sure it's
definitely over?

Are you kidding me? She said it was a
mistake and just a one-time thing.

And I'm supposed to be okay with that?
No, but other people have managed to get

past things like this.

I don't fucking know how.

Is it worth pointing out the irony of
the number of times you've done

something like this to her?

No. It is not worth pointing out the
irony. In fact, I will go so far as to

say it is never worth pointing out the
irony. In life.

To anyone.

Ever.

Native?

God damn it.

It could have been so good.

The two of us back together.

Seeing my boys every day.

And now...

I'm going to have to sell my vineyard.