Original subtitles

You had a script that was going around back then. It was all anyone talked

about. We're not looking to do another show here.

CBS wants in.

That's three networks.

Well, only one is getting it. This is bad.

We have spent a year feeling absolutely powerless.

As soon as we say yes to one of those fuckers, we're right back there. But if

we go now, with all of them fighting over us...

That's as good as it gets in this town.

I also heard about Matt LeBlanc getting that big pilot over at NBC.

What? Have we officially canceled pucks?

Uh, no.

Pick it up to six more.

You hate pucks.

I hate NBC more.

Are you fucking kidding me?

They can't do that. We were canceled.

What does not officially mean? Hard to believe that yesterday we were sitting

in traffic on the 405.

It's an L.A. number.

Don't answer it.

Oh my God, don't answer it.

Ridiculous. Utter bullshit.

Reason for entering the country?

Matt LeBlanc.

I threw away my ID. I'm here for pucks. I thought that was dead. Yeah, well,

it's risen.

Like Jesus. If Jesus was a shitty sitcom no one watched.

Okay.

Anything you'd like to say first?

Uh, we wrote this on the plane back.

It's not very good.

No.

All righty, then.

Uh, page one, interior locker room, words I thought I'd never say again.

Lyman enters.

The good news is, I shuffled some stuff around, and I got you your old office

bag. Really? No one snatched it up?

Even better, Wendy was still available, so you don't have to start with someone

from scratch.

Huh?

And with one word, it all comes rushing back.

Yo. Matt. Samford Shamiro.

Hey, what's up?

I don't know if you heard the news about Larry Penzel.

What news?

I'm afraid it's not good.

No?

Larry killed himself last night.

Holy shit.

I know. It's unbelievable.

Arlene called me this morning.

Evidently, he hanged himself in his garage.

Oh, my God.

Heartbreaking.

His daughter found him. She's only nine.

Jesus. Anyway, the funeral's tomorrow if you want to go.

I guess I should. He's been my money guy since I got money.

I'll text you the information.

And I'm sorry to be the Baron Baden.

Very upsetting.

think so.

Wendy, did we get a basket?

What? A basket. A gift basket.

From Eileen Jaffe.

Yeah.

Can we see it?

Not from there.

Apparently we did get it. Thanks so much.

I'm just happy you guys are back.

Anyway, while I've got you, now don't bite my head off.

Yeah? The opposite of us.

I hope you can breathe through your neck.

I still have three networks clamoring for it.

Clamoring! They never clamor. Well, they can clamor all they like.

I just don't want you to look back someday and kick yourself. There's a lot

of money on the table here.

All I need is for you to say go.

Say go and I will make it happen.

No. Oh, my God!

He said no?

Oh.

It sounded so much like go.

I'll have the niçoise salad.

Yeah, give me the chopped chicken thing with the artichokes. It's not on the

menu. Just tell the chef it's for me.

Very good.

So, have you been away?

You look tan.

It's jaundice.

What? Jaundice. Something screwed up with my liver. They don't know. They're

running tests.

Oh, my God.

Well, hopefully it's nothing serious.

I'm yellow.

Right. Well, on you, it looks good.

Anyway, uh, thank you so much for making the time. We haven't really talked since

Castor left.

Did you know they found a loaded gun in his drawer?

Jesus, a loaded gun?

And then it's a sketch.

Remember Etch-a-Sketch?

Sure.

Well, at least you can't kill someone with an Etch-a-Sketch. You probably can.

Anyway,

I wanted to talk about the job.

I should never have turned it down. I've regretted it ever since.

I'll bet.

Well,

I hope now you'll reconsider me.

Okay. I think we need someone strong, someone with energy, with experience.

No question.

Also, this network has never had a woman in that job. Don't you think it would...

What about Helen Bash?

Oh, wow.

Helen's great, obviously, but I was thinking... No, I know, you were saying

you, but Helen Bash, come on, she's got a hell of a track record.

Well, sure.

We need someone who can turn this mess around.

She's done it before.

No, totally.

It's a great idea.

I know.

I just, uh, I'd be shocked if we could get her.

I mean, why would Helen Bash want to leave? Because I'll throw a shitload of

money at her.

That should do it.

Helen Bash.

I'm excited.

Me too.

Love it.

The minute he said Helen Bash, I knew. That's it.

Hush. Trust me, I am out on my ass.

She's looking very firm, by the way. Are you just being nice?

Does that sound like me?

You'll see.

If she takes the job, no way she's going to keep me.

Which is exactly what you said about Carter. And look how well that turned

out. This is different.

How so?

Okay, don't judge me.

I think that ship sailed long ago.

When I first started out, I worked in daytime drama over at ABC.

And I, um... I kind of had a thing with my boss.

Really? Your boss?

That's so unexpected and out of character.

All right.

So you're having an affair with your boss in daytime drama, fittingly.

Then his stupid wife found out.

His stupid wife being? You got it.

She went nuts.

Made him break up with me. Made him fire me. So not so stupid.

I see her all the time now at industry things.

Sounds like fun.

No, it's actually fine.

She acts like nothing happened.

But come on. I broke up her marriage.

You think she's going to want me as her number two?

She hasn't said yes yet. There's still hope, just in case I've already started

looking. Really?

Yeah. I've got to cover my ass.

You really think it looks good?

By the way, where are we?

You'll see.

So, when you're having an affair with these married men, is there any sense

of... Danger. I was going to say remorse.

Oh.

All right.

This is it.

What do you think?

I hate this city. Okay.

I saw him like two weeks ago. We had a tax meeting.

He seemed fine.

That is death in a nutshell.

Heartbreaking.

I know.

Shitty turnout.

Where's Tim Allen? Where's Felicia Rashad? They were with them longer than

me. Why aren't they here?

Obviously, they're not as forgiving as you.

What's that mean?

Seriously? You didn't see the paper today?

Why, am I in it?

Unfortunately.

What? The FBI's been investigating him for stealing money from his clients.

Larry?

Apparently, Demi Lovato had him audited. That's how they found out.

Are you shitting me?

Why'd you think he, uh... Jesus Christ!

That's why nobody's here.

Frankly, I'm surprised Darlene came.

How much do you have with him?

What do you mean, how much? All of it.

Oh, kid.

Maybe some of it's left.

Some of it? I'll make some calls after.

Find out the specifics.

Or I'll make some calls now.

This is crazy.

He used to say he thought of me as family.

He also wiped out his sister Zoe, and she's actually family.

Fuck.

Hey, don't you have your money with him? I dumped Larry six years ago.

I just didn't have a good feeling.

Thanks for the heads up.

Wouldn't have been professional.

Is he in?

Sam, what's your mural?

Motherfucking son of a bitch.

May he rest in peace. Whose side are you on?

We are all experiencing a range of emotions today.

Sadness over the loss of someone so gifted and loving.

Confusion over the choices that he made.

Ask him about the equity account and the boys' names.

He wants to know about the equity account and the boys' names.

Remind me, Aiden and Michael.

Aiden and Michael.

Well, that's gone too. God damn it.

How about... I'm going to put you on with him.

Okay,

there's a fixed income management account.

I forget the company. It's three letters.

Yeah, that's it.

Well, it's gone. Just fucking gone.

Unbelievable.

You had no idea the whole time.

Right. Obviously. Sorry.

Heartbreaking. You trusted him all those years?

Up until about 11.30 today.

You must feel so betrayed.

I don't know what I feel.

It's like, I don't know.

I've never been raped.

Don't look at me. I've never been raped.

What? I don't know.

Holding school?

It's like the bottom just dropped out.

Like, my whole life after today is...

I know it's a meaningless cliche, but it is just money.

You still have your health, your children.

No, you're right.

It's a meaningless cliche.

How did this fucking happen?

I don't deserve this. I'm a good person.

I don't know that it's about good or bad per se.

You go along thinking everything's great.

I mean, not the stupid show.

Right. You wake up one day and half your money's gone.

Just... Just gone.

Wait, I'm sorry. Say what?

What? You said half.

Half your money's gone. Yeah.

Oh.

You made it sound like you took everything, didn't you think? I did,

yeah. Well, if it's not everything...

He stole $32 million from me. No, that's a ridiculous amount of money. Insane.

Unbelievable. Of course.

But you still have a little over 31.

What?

Nothing. What?

I don't want to diminish what you're going through in any way.

But? But.

it does seem slightly less dire.

I lost 32 million dollars.

Absolutely.

But the good news is you still have 31.

But the bad news is I lost 32.

Right, I get it. I don't think you do.

To be clear, I lost 32 million

fucking dollars. Yeah, no, that's an unbelievable loss.

But you still have 31. I swear to God. Listen to me. You have suffered a

terrible, terrible loss. You think?

But you will be all right. You will. You can have a very nice life, even with

as little as 31 million dollars.

I don't see how.

Let's say you never make another dime. You can still live on a million dollars

a year.

You could live on a million dollars a year.

I'm sure I could.

So, a million a year. That means I'd have to die before I'm 80.

I wouldn't worry about that.

Yeah, what?

Matt, we're ready to shoot.

Fine, let's do this fucking thing.

Are you sure you're up for this?

Why not?

I'd say you're significantly drunk.

You've never seen me drunk.

You vomited on me.

I don't recall that.

How are we only now finding out people think this is racist?

Researchers have this title for six months.

I still think it's clever.

Apparently, America disagrees with you. Only 46%. I'm sorry. Why is it racist?

I mean, it's not like we call it white and wan. I still like that one.

Maybe I don't know what racist is.

Oh, my God.

Have you guys heard?

Where did you run from? My office. It's news. I'm breathless.

We just hired Helen Bash.

Definitely? Yeah.

This is starting next week. A major get for the failing network.

Oh, my God. Helen Bash.

She's supposed to be fantastic.

Seriously?

What? You're not really bringing that onto the stage.

Why not?

You reek of professionalism. 32 million!

So I took him to the vet, and, you know, they said it's cancer.

So $3,000 later, you know, he's still dying.

So at first I think it's feline AIDS, which, you know, would have been a

blessing, but it's cancer, so that's it. Rehearsal up!

Listen, Matt is a little...

and I suspect he's not going to get any less so. No. So we should probably skip

the rehearsal and shoot this as soon as we can. Okay, just give us a few minutes

for finishing lighting. Okay.

My bad.

Are you fucking kidding me?

What? We're really going to shoot with him like this?

He'll be fine.

Oh, yeah?

Have you smelled his big gulp? It's like 30 ounces of rehab.

Look,

I get that he lost all his money.

Half.

Half? Thank you.

You know what?

There's still no excuse. You don't show up for work like this. I have been in

this business for almost four... Forever.

And I have never seen this kind of behavior.

I'll tell you, if an actor showed up like this on Kelly Girl... On what?

Does no one remember my fucking show?

I do.

Look, I realize nobody's ever going to see these shows, but can we at least

pretend this matters? I had to give up a pilot for this shit. The least he can do

is set an example. It's called a fucking work ethic. What's going on?

Hi, boo. We were just talking about you.

I was thinking, all the years I've been doing this, I've never seen a work ethic

like yours.

Anyway, sorry about the Larry Penzel thing.

Jesus. Tell me.

You know, Larry was my money guy for years.

Was? Oh, I got out a while ago. I don't know. I just had a feeling.

God damn it. Am I the only one who didn't have a feeling?

Jesus fucking Christ.

What am I supposed to do?

I had three goddamn alimonies to pay.

This is worse than when I had ball cancer.

It doesn't make you feel any better.

Matt LeBlanc lost $32 million.

Oh.

May I just say, eating your feelings is not the answer.

Oh, I finished my feelings a long time ago. I'm eating your feelings now.

Look, I know you don't want to hear this, but you are still a very wealthy

man. I don't want to hear it. I'm sorry, but you still have 31. Don't say 31.

Don't say 31.

Have you ever considered the option of smaller

bites?

Let me ask you a question.

What if you lost half your money? It's totally different.

Why? How much do you guys have?

I'd rather not say.

I told you how much I have. Come on, just ballpark.

No. It's in pounds. I won't even know what it means.

I should say it's a lot less than 31 million.

Well, I figured that.

So, like, what?

Ten? Ten? No.

Five? It's none of your business.

I'm talking combined.

The two of you combined have less than five? We're not.

telling you okay stop me when i'm close four three two stop

okay so you have two no just stop come on you gotta have at least two you had a

head show in england it's still a country christ less than two one

oh my god less than one fuck do you

need money no i don't need money I am very concerned for you.

Thank you. We're fine.

You're not fine.

You got no money.

You need security.

You're not that young.

Younger than you.

Really? How old are you?

None of your business.

More than 40?

All right, you're drunk, and this conversation is over. Yes, I am. And no,

it's not.

You got no savings.

You want the lights to still go on when you're 70?

You should be worried.

Very worried.

What?

Should we be worried?

No!

You are taking financial advice from a man who is literally sloshing while he

walks. Still.

Sweetheart, 31 million isn't enough for him. You know what isn't enough? Less

than one.

Maybe we should think about doing the other thing.

Darling, don't. What other thing?

That script everyone wants.

How is that even a question?

Will you please stay out of this? No, do it. Cash in. Stop following us.

You think it's always going to be like this?

Oh, sure.

Television writers, when you get old, that's when the big bucks start rolling

in. Don't let him do this. We have never worried about money.

Which is why it don't happen.

Are we being stupid?

Yes. No.

No money is worth going through this again.

I don't know.

Slow down.

Why are you still here?

All right, I'll say one thing, and then I'll drop it. I bet you don't.

Hi, Matt.

You...

Let's say you never sell another show. You don't make any more after this.

How are you going to live?

What are you going to do?

Go home?

Open a little shop?

Selling jokes?

Jokes. I've got jokes.

Jokes, sir.

Penny for a joke. Bloody hell. I'm serious.

My grandfather was still driving a laundry truck two days before his

funeral.

You want to retire someday?

You've got to make your money now.

Okay, money.

Fine, but not here.

Here is where you make the money.

What's the matter?

It was too hard?

They change your little show.

They don't respect your talent.

That's why they pay you so much.

Stop talking.

Did you just lick me? He licked me.

Calm down. You're a monster. Yeah, well, sometimes the monster is right.

Don't be stupid.

Call your agent. Sell your show. Make the money.

I'm sorry.

The monster is right.

Sean Lincoln on one.

Hi, honey.

It's go.