Original subtitles

Looking for love tour night one. What are you looking forward to the most?

It's the looking for love tour. I need to find the one. He's worried about

finding the one. There's way too many hoes out here to be worried about one.

Me and you have entirely different philosophies on dating. I love love

personally. This dude is crazy. He got his face on a home tour bus out here and

he's worried about love.

You can't let this opportunity pass you by. I've been waiting my whole life for

this opportunity. I'm just saying I'm going to use the social leverage that

comes with being a rapper to find the one more easily. She'll see me clear.

Well, I hope you see me, ladies, because I'm in every city and I need two bitches

on me on both arms like a rollie. Really? It has to be two women on both

arms like a rollie? Women are not objects.

Fuck it.

Is this it? This is her.

She is here. She is unbelievable.

I mean, pretty liberal with the pronouns.

This is unbelievable.

Yeah. You really got to appreciate the craftsmanship. Look at these.

Yeah, pure milk of magnesia in there. Design it that way.

Wait, how much did she cost again?

Like $7,000.

There was a version that cost $15,000, by the way.

Okay, so the class war is real. Yeah, that one could stand and it could, like,

totally speak.

It could be like, hi, Dave, how you doing? But this one's more than

suitable. Came with a nice, cute wig. She is a brunette. Is this a tampon?

I hope not. That would be such a burden for me to maintain.

I don't know what this is. It's cool looking. I'll look it up.

Looks like a vibrator.

What am I looking up again? The tampon. Yeah.

Oh!

That's to warm her orifice.

It's kind of cold-blooded. I mean, that's good. My old way was so unwieldy.

You don't want to know. It involved a stick and a space heater.

And don't worry, this is not going to replace you in any way. This is simply a

tool to elevate masturbation.

I wasn't. Should I be?

You shouldn't be. Okay.

I'm not weirded out by this, weirdly.

You really get me. Yeah.

But maybe don't fuck her while I'm in the house, you know?

I just don't know if I can unsee that.

I can do that. You can?

I cannot do that. Thanks. Yeah, sure.

What?

Yeah, I know. Robin's leaving town soon, and you're excited about it, but I'm

not. I'm actually really dreading it, and it makes me sad when I think about

it.

Okay.

I'm gonna go.

Yeah, okay.

Here, I will be in the home. Understood. Yes, don't fuck it now. Yes. Sure.

Must be pretty cool to see your weird dreams become a reality.

It really is.

It really is.

You don't even care about me.

Tell me why I care about you.

This ain't the movies, but I think that you're the one. Rachel, let me be your

Mr. McAdam.

Rachel, they gonna call me Mr.

McAdams. I take your name, girl, fact.

It's insanely far-fetched. I ain't playing while you think I've been

rapping to be Mr.

McAdams. Don't lie to me, don't lie to me, don't lie.

You think I'm fucking sick. You think I lost my shit. You think I'm weird AF.

But that endearing freckle up on your chin is too much. I got a freckle on my

face too. I know you've dated Taylor Kitsch.

And I know you've seen Ryan Gosling's dick.

Aw, girl, I don't know it all, girl. I just want to take you to a ball, have a

ball, girl. Valet will call me Mr.

McAdam. Okay.

That's a big song. Yeah, look at OD out here cheating on his girlfriend with a

movie star. Damn!

I mean, she's not my girlfriend, technically.

Like, the terms have not been defined yet. But... Like, I'm just making a

funny comedy song about the concept of a dream woman that everyone's gonna relate

to. But I would never cheat on a girl. Sorry, I'm not a dirtbag like you, Gate.

I'm a good guy. Man, I was cheating on the Gate. I had girls on my homework.

That's so cool to say.

I'm gonna go do a verse pass, okay?

Start me up, Johnny.

Beam me up, Scotty, you fucking idiot.

Hey, bro. I know you work on his shit, but you need to turn that shit down.

Look at this.

What happens when 15 horny singles with moderate to severe mental health issues

gather in one house in a tropical paradise and are told they can't have

sex or freak out? One way or another, someone's gonna get nuts.

Yo, what's up? What's really real? It's your boy, Gator. I'm bipolar.

I'm a sex addict. I ain't never win a week without smashing a bitch. You know

I keep the hoes in rotation.

I'm gonna win me a million dollars on the Nuthouse.

Nuthouse, this September.

Nuthouse. If I fucking nut, bro, or if I go nuts and have an episode and go manic

and ramp up too much... I lose.

But this show?

Fire. That is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my damn life, Gator.

What the fuck are you talking about right now? Bro, you just a hater, man.

I'm tired of your hating ass vibes, dog.

I'm not hating, bro. I'm just being honest, dog. That shit is fucking trash.

They're exploiting you. Bro, just because you're scared to make a move and

go after shit that you want in life, that's your problem. But me? I'm a rock

star, dog. I'm gonna have moments where I look bad. I'm gonna have moments where

I look like the man. But you, you ain't never gonna have shit.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm nervous. What's going on with you?

Okay.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

Repositioning. Am I supposed to reposition? No. What's going on?

I'm, um...

Um, I'm moving to L.A.

You are?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah. That's awesome. We talked about me getting out of Wisconsin and just, like,

finally having that push. And, like, I'm actually getting jobs here, which is

really exciting. And it's exciting. That's why I'm here.

It makes it all feel real now.

Yeah. Yeah.

The us is real. It is real. It's always been real.

You know, we've been dating and.

Yeah. We go on dates. Yeah. We're dating.

Yeah.

You look terrified.

You look really freaked out. You know what it is? I'm not freaked out. It's

just like for me, whenever I get like new big information, it just takes me a

little while to like wrap my head around things.

I'm a slow cooker. You know, you got to let me roast.

That's all that's happening. It's like big information, brain processing,

neurons flying. But like the neurons are like fireworks and that's good.

Neurons? Yeah.

Yeah. I am so excited. Like I was dreading you leaving.

Okay. Let's kiss. Should we kiss and seal the deal?

I want a buck.

All right.

Later, though.

Congrats to us. But you especially.

You do?

Yes. Okay, because I would think of being like intentionally silly at first.

Right, right, of course. But, Dave, I love it.

Your hands are smooth as egg.

Oh, thank you.

Would you ever be in the music video for Mr. McAdams? Of course.

I, I, I, how could I not?

How could you not? How about onto the hand? Okay.

Um, like, are you thinking sex scene or?

Have you ever done one?

No, but I could.

Okay, well, we could talk about it.

I'm ready for that.

If that's what you think the creative call is for, which I see it that way

too, personally. Yeah.

Intruder say it, like, fuck me on camera, but... Right, yeah.

Well, you know what, we can figure all the details out later, but, I mean, it

will come down to scheduling, you know, but I would like to come.

Do you like Drake?

Love Drake.

My favorite artist ever.

I've actually been crafting a DM to him for about six weeks now, and I'm too big

of a coward to send it because it just doesn't be the perfect message. I don't

even know if I'm going to read it.

Well, we should just call him.

Oh, no, wait. He's in Ghana.

Tell you what.

Beat me in an arm, Russell, and I will put you on a text with him right now.

Okay. Fine. Let's fucking do this. That's right.

You're going to connect me to him?

Ooh. I feel your heart racing.

Well.

Like a bird.

I am a bird.

Well, if you're a bird, I'm a bird.

Yeah? Ugh!

Thank you.

I see you met her. What the fuck?

Doesn't she look so cool now?

How could you do this? She's so heavy. She's like way heavier than I thought

that she would be. We're the same size, so. You're not the same size. Are you

149 centimeters?

No, because that's four foot nine. Are you a legal pygmy?

I don't know my height in centimeters.

Why did you put lipstick on her?

I hate lipstick.

What?

Why did you put lipstick on her, comma, I hate lipstick?

She looks like a whore. It is a whore, Dave. You bought it to fuck it. No, I

don't fuck it yet.

Okay, I'm sorry.

It'll obviously come off.

No, I'm not using, like, other products that work on human skin. Like, this is

Machina. Like, you don't understand how it all works.

If it's going to work on human skin, it's going to work on your... I'm

looking at her lips right now, and they're, like, taking off as I rub. So

I'm, like, worried that there's permanent damage that can't be undone

here. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, but I've never splurged on anything like this.

It's, like, my thing, and...

Yeah. Okay, yeah.

I'm like... You're... It's just... I'm sorry.

Jeez, you're... Duff, and I shouldn't have... No, I'm sorry.

It's just, like... Do you have any idea how long I've been looking forward to

this? How long have you been looking forward to this? So long.

So long. Yeah, I was on that... fucking tour just waiting to be in this bed with

you but now it's going city to city trudging through this nation what are

you most excited about meeting her my wife meeting her i can't wait your wife

bro i have a good feeling man fuck no i ain't looking for love on this tour man

i already know what it is light skin dark skin puerto rican asian what do you

want out of life oh you a hot jewish rapper what do you want out of life what

are your goals i just want to make it to the top bro with you there's more to

life than like girls and like you thought i was i'm with james ideally

of course it's something cute like i'm walking down the street and she walks

out of like a barnes and noble right it's like that guitar lick from google

doll slide is playing i've never back here but let me tell you right here i

did smash right here though the middle of the hallway having to hear gay to

have sex every night is so annoying I am really happy for him, I'm not going to

lie. Dave has the most unused rapper dick ever.

If you're going to wrangle the women, right? If you're going to go out, you're

going to say, Do you know what my type is?

Yeah.

Red hair.

What? What's your type? I would say, girl next door.

Sweet. No, because, okay.

I have to be a hand for feet. What do you mean?

Look it, I can hold your hand.

Let me tell you what I need.

Every woman I don't got is the woman I need.

Hey, this is ghetto poetry, man. I'm telling you, when you run this back,

you're going to get some jibs out of this, Emma. I'm telling you.

I think it's all starting to come together.

It is slow, though, just in the way it unfolds. We're going to have to shave

some frames off the old tail of it. Dave, I can't keep frame-fucking this

shit every time we're together. No one's going to notice the two-frame

difference. I would notice the difference every single time I watch it.

I can't watch this and be tortured. Okay, hold on.

Give me a sec.

It's an editing session. I mean, hello, welcome to the industry, Emma. Jeez

Louise. Fine. You're so annoying.

Okay. You know what you just learned?

You just earned a little over-the-shoulder day of time. Yeah,

okay. Let's abandon the micro stuff and let's talk macro for a moment, huh?

Macro?

I'm trying to finish this for the screening.

I'm trying to help get us there. Like, I'm trying to help that. I understand.

You're the one who set up a friends and family screening without having me see

the thing. It's like, I'm not sure we're telling the right story currently.

This should be a tale of a sweet man looking for love, not me and my hype man

going across America talking about who's getting sucked the most.

Listen, as the person trying to run Dave's foundation, I would protect

everyone a little bit more.

And not to pile on, but I would like to cut the Robin footage from the end.

It's a documentary about you looking for love. Yeah. And all the Robin footage is

really cute. That has to be the ending.

I don't even tell Robin that I love you. We're not even at that place in our

relationship. Why is everyone trying to force me to advance my relationship with

this person? I'm not trying to force you to advance your relationship.

It's called storytelling. I know. It's also called my personal life, Emma.

Is this too personal for you? Yeah. Because you asked me to film you taking

a shit.

That's impersonal from my advantage. I don't care. Anyone can watch me shit. A

child could watch me shit. I wouldn't give a fuck.

Look, can you show me what other end options could exist?

Here's what I had before the Robin footage.

And if I'm not blown away, it's not good enough and I'm not going to settle.

So? So how many stones are you going to turn over to find her?

I'll turn over every goddamn stone in the world.

Is this the only possible ending?

What do you fuckers come over here and pull my butt?

You're never going to get this guy to sign a release. He's drunk as a skunk.

I'm going to fuck that skunk up and deep throat his ass.

The two-inch penis of the skunk, right? You deep throat the two-inch dick of the

skunk? You're good with all this, right, brother? Shit, yeah, man.

What did Malcolm say?

By any means necessary.

Diggy's looking for love, and I'm looking for bud.

Oh, my God.

You're in focus. I don't even know if I'm in focus, but this is the best shot.

This is, like, iconic.

I don't know. I'm ashamed of the amount I smoke weed, but I can't stop.

Don't be ashamed.

It's a part of the game. Why can't you just let go?

What about you, Gator? What are your demons?

Not releasing a demon is my demon.

I feel like you're filling a void.

This guy right here is a deep thinker, dude.

That's why all his songs are so, like...

complex and shit while i'm talking about i really be having it when i started

rapping it's the first time i like started getting high because i just like

escaped who i like i'm just not like naturally like a rapper like i need to

like go to another place to like do that you gotta tap out of the david byrd uh

yeah i don't know it's like why do i need to escape reality but my reality is

good i don't know i just think even when my reality is good i think too much

about what's not perfect about that reality

Like, why can't you just accept it?

I don't know. What are you doing? Why can't you accept it? I don't know. Yeah,

exactly. How do you feel? You put up a wall for no reason.

Just let us love you.

You're looking for love, too.

You stop. I don't want to be in camera. See how it feels?

It's very invasive, isn't it?

When did you get so uptight?

Working with Dave.

Working with Dave? You're talking about working for Dave?

I'm not working for Dave.

Is this the right frame?

Because I think it would be more impactful in a wide, where I'd be like

more alone.

It's a documentary.

He's always been like that, his whole life.

I mean, it's wildly difficult working with Dave because he is an insane

person. I don't want this footage.

Fuck, marry, kill.

I would fuck Gaeta because I know he's a good fuck.

I would marry you.

Kill Dave is probably the...

The thing that matters the most to me.

How do we kill Dave? We'll say it on the count of three at the same time. One,

two, three.

Strangulate him with a pillow!

I would strangle with... Dog.

I've never worked so hard for someone in my entire life.

And I worked it out backstage, Kyle.

He is...

The most difficult musician I've ever worked with, and I worked with a lot of

random rappers who were terrible, and this man, for some reason, has just made

life so difficult. We used to take him shopping for the action figures. Oh,

jeez. Do you remember that? The action figures. He would go back and forth

about which one to get. He would analyze the pros and the cons of each one.

Remember? It's what we call the no stone unturned. The no stone unturned method.

No stone unturned. No stone unturned. No stone unturned. Fuck that phrase.

I got so stressed out I had a kidney stone. I pissed out a stone, a stone out

of my penis.

It became very clear that to properly document this man looking for love, I

had to document how this man looks for everything.

So I started filming our edit session.

We're going to have to shave some frames off the old tail of it.

No one's going to notice a two-frame difference.

I would notice a difference every single time I watch it. I can't watch it to be

tortured. Okay, hold on. Give me a sec. It's an editing session. I mean, hello,

welcome to the industry, Emma. Fine.

Did you take my cheesecake?

Nah. Was it good?

Honestly, it was very close to ideal. The bread, like, just wasn't good

enough. I mean, the couch is nice and firm. It is a good couch. It's almost

everything you'd want in a couch. I will say, like, the pillows are just, like,

not quite right.

He's always been this way.

That's Dave.

He's never satisfied. It's never finished. So we're never finished.

As you fucking know, very annoying.

And then he'll say, like, one thing, like, love you, big cat. And it's like,

you son of a bitch.

Some people are afraid of the hard work and the ethic the LD has.

Some people are afraid of being pushed to the limit.

It's true. You're growing up. I'm trying, bro.

So working with him is like working with a young Phil Jackson. I could just

envision that fool saying, I could look in his eyes and tell he wanted to bring

the best out of me. Or like Einstein, because he's Jewish.

When I met him, I thought he was a psycho.

He said he was going to be a famous rapper. And I was like, what?

He had a vision?

became a reality.

I've been lucky enough to work with my best friend since I was six and changed

my life, so... He's the closest male figure I've got.

My dad never, you know... I believe in Dave so fucking much, it's ridiculous.

Will you ever be satisfied?

Probably not. At the end of the day, I'm going to need something other than,

like, musical success to satisfy me.

Like what?

Like love. I believe in the truest form of love.

Someone's got to come along and save me from this self-fulfilling prophecy I'm

in. How will you know it's her?

When I meet my dream girl, boy, oh boy, will it be evident.

I will know early on. It's not the type of thing that you need to take time to

figure out. I'm just not going to get into a relationship and then let it

slowly develop.

If I'm not blown away, it's not good enough, and I'm not going to settle.

So how many stones are you going to turn over to find her?

I'll turn over every goddamn stone in the world.

I'll turn over every goddamn stone in the world.

Is this the only possible ending?

I'm gonna go get some fresh air.

Okay. It's good to see you guys.

Hi.

Wow.

Yeah? Did not see that coming at all.

So, like, what, all those editing sessions, like, they weren't even real?

It was, like, all a total charade?

I mean, it was very real, just not what you were expecting.

I gotta be honest.

I do feel manipulated, but in the most artistic way possible.

Well, I learned from the best.

I'm, like, blown away.

I don't even have that many comments or notes. Like, obviously, there's a few

things we have to do before it goes, like, fully public. Oh, Dave, this isn't

our thing.

It's mine.

I'm not compromising my vision for anything.

Are you being serious?

It's like the Lil Dicky Looking for Love documentary. I literally hired you and

burned you. You didn't hire me.

You didn't pay me.

You really want to do this? You want to play this game?

Okay, all that hidden footage type of stuff that I never consented to, can't

use it. Sorry, never gave my permission.

No, there were those flyers all around.

So, sorry.

There will be no more notes.

You're out of stone.

Emma? Yeah?

Hi. I'm Benio.

Mike invited me. I work at A24. Hi.

That last name.

It's pretty fucking wild, but...

I mean, I gotta give her credit, though. She did have this whole fucking vision,

and she just got it, you know? And I certainly can't knock that, but...

You okay?

No. I feel pretty dumb.

You feel dumb?

I just watched 90 minutes of you looking for love, and I was... nowhere in sight.

So... Are you still looking?

Am I not the result that you...

Wanted? No.

I mean, yeah.

Well,

Emma went so rogue on the whole thing, like, it's hard to pin this on me.

Yeah, sure is.

What about all the stuff that you said on camera? You talked at length about

how when you met the right person that you were just going to immediately know.

And when did you say that?

It doesn't matter when I said that, independent of if it was before you or

after you. Like, I have been basing my philosophy and idea of love on this,

like, truly childlike belief that love comes in and sweeps you off your feet in

a way where you know right when it happens. And that's just not the way the

world works, and that's okay. I don't want to be this, like...

sad fucking version of that. I don't want to be the understudy to this, like,

grand version of love that you want. I don't want to be the sad reality.

I want to be the thing that excites you. You do excite me. It's like, that's

not... Look, I'm on the Looking for Love tour, shooting a Looking for Love

documentary. During that whole shooting, I'm going to be a guy that more or less

is, like, endlessly looking for love. That's my image at this point. Dave,

it's not your image, though.

Okay? It's not your image. It's just you.

You are perpetually looking for love, but you don't actually want to find it.

Not true.

Maybe if I was Rachel McAdams, I would have made your movie.

Maybe you had no problem writing a whole love song about her. And yeah, I heard

it. I'm sorry that I'm a human being with ears. I heard the song.

I'm sorry you heard that out of context, but that song doesn't mean anything.

Like the one that you wrote for me.

No, not like that.

Dave, I am here.

I'm in your house.

I... I'm thinking that we're, you know, like... falling in love.

And I feel...

Like an idiot.

You're not an idiot. I feel really fucking stupid.

You're not stupid.

Like, what am I doing out here? What am I doing out here? I think things are

trending so well between us. Trending well?

Do you hear yourself?

Trending well? How much data do you need to decide that I am worthy?

It's crazy.

For someone who, like, builds an entire career off of, like, making fun of his

own flaws, you expect everyone else to be perfect.

Work that out with yourself.

I don't expect perfection. I know that nobody's perfect. I understand that.

But, like, just like everything in my life, I have such high expectations, and

I try to have the highest level of achievement at all times. Oh, my God.

Women are not achievements, Dave. We're not achievements.

You talk so much shit about Gaeta being this, like, misogynistic fuck, but

you're actually just as bad.

You're just lying to yourself and everyone else.

What am I supposed to say?

I'm not upset that you don't love me, okay?

I'm just sad.

Because I'm pretty sure you do.

But you won't commit until you are 100% certain that I'm the absolute best that

you can do.

That has nothing to do with me.

So I'm going to go.

Don't.

You're a famous rapper, so I'm sure your dream girl will just

show up.

Robin, I didn't have any control over that documentary.

Like, it was not my vision at all.

I'm not your vision either, Dave.

No one is.

Your vision is your vision.

I'm a whole blues girl, man.

I just got left at her.

She was my best and worst.

Come and collect your shirts.

They're gonna get much worse.

Fuck it, I'm a balleriner.

Fuck it, I'm a balleriner.

Hoping that my heart don't burst.

Either way, I'll be Millie Rocking in this bitch.

Telling my lies.

I was just, you was just, we was just, just getting high.