Original subtitles

Oh, my God. Is this garlic hummus? I like it. Should we, like, switch to

tahini or... I think we should, like, abandon all condiment-based hand jobs.

That's pretty right, I don't know. We can reconfigure, come up with something

new fun to do.

What do you want to do next?

Uh, wash my hands?

Right this way.

You think you know my home, right?

You think you know me, you think you know what I stand for. You don't know

anything about my home.

Shut up!

Turns out, I'm a little bit of a mystery.

As is the secret passageway. This is so much cooler than a hummus handjob. Yeah,

we should probably wash up. Hi, I'm Dave. I'm a little dizzy. Hi, I'm Dave.

Who's Dave? I got her right here. Yep, I have her.

No, I got her. She's a half white, half Chinese Jezebel.

Beautiful? Yep, got her.

Real dainty tattoos.

I don't know what to do with my body right now. Oh, you're doing all the

right shit. This is like the notebook, but like way grittier and way less

idealized. Is she going to actually see this footage?

Who's she?

Emma.

Oh, I don't know. She just left us here. Look at you. No, the notebook is such a

basic. You're a basic. You're better than that. No, you're just a contrarian.

I'm going to shut you up.

What the fuck is this?

That's my bear mace.

Your bear mace? Mm-hmm.

To be fair, that was supposed to go.

Next to the bed. Yeah, look, we'll put it in the closet, because things like

this don't belong out, and this is not how we do it. Good call, Captain.

And I'm not above what I preach, you know? We can't have crossbows in the

closet either. This was from tour. This will be moved.

Oh, look at this.

Is that my elephant? Yes, he made a friend.

Oh, wow.

Look. Oh, which one is he? Oh, he's the sturdy one.

You know that you don't actually own him, right? You just, you finance his

survival. And one day, me and you are going to go to Africa, and we're going

to visit our boy.

Stop. Yeah, it's our son, and we deserve to see him. And he deserves to see us.

You're such a good, hands-on father.

Oh, yeah?

We need more of you.

Mamma mia.

Will you go and do it with me? To Africa?

Yeah. Are you kidding?

A little bit of a phone call going on.

Oh, my God. Mike will not leave me the fuck alone.

Why is it?

He wants me to get fitted for the Met Gala.

I got invited. Wait, what?

Yeah. Wait, what?

Yeah. Oh, come on. You got invited to Met Gala? Yeah.

Yeah. Why are you so high-pitched? That's crazy.

Wait, that's huge.

I don't get wrapped up in the superficial Hollywood pecking order

bullshit anymore.

That's old me. New me, way more into something like you.

Turns me on thinking of you walking up the steps with that ass.

Yeah.

Grab my ass.

I can't believe you're going. I'm going to grab your ass.

I mean, I asked him to take it down, but he won't.

This is Bo Newman's TikTok?

Mm-hmm.

I'm so sorry, Delaney. This stuff shouldn't happen, but it does.

Because boys are the worst.

Well, there's actually one of you, too.

Of me?

Yeah. Man, Mrs. Werner, oh, my God. Look at her titties. I don't care how bold

she is, man. I'm gonna fuck her so bad.

They're popping.

Well, I bet her right over.

Bo!

Bo!

I need to speak with you.

Yeah, what can I do for you? I just saw your TikTok.

Dope. Okay, I need you to delete the video of me and of any other faculty

members or any other student, okay? Or you're taking it up with the principal.

Is that clear?

Yeah, you want me to delete it, Mr. Warnick?

It's Warnick.

Oh.

Yeah, that's what I said. Mrs.

Warnick. I said it right, right?

You're so fucking funny.

Funny Bo, who wants to bend me over a desk and fuck me, right?

Well, here I am.

Here are my big titties for the taking, right?

You want to fuck me, Bo? You want to fuck me, Bo? Miss Vornick!

My office.

Now.

What do you think?

You know I don't pick outfits without you around.

What do you think?

How? How?

How?

Lock here. Sorry. You know I don't pick an outfit out without you.

Uh, sorry.

It's... It's amazing.

It's the Met Gala we're talking here. We need to make a splash, okay? We need to

do something big. Like what Jack Harlow did. Oh, my God. When he said, I love

you to Emma Chamberlain on the red carpet. I freaked. I recorded it,

rewound it, recorded it, rewound it. I kept watching. What is the deal with

this guy? Oh, my God. I don't understand. It just doesn't make sense

to me. It's like, he's tall. He's good looking.

He makes Gen Z's pussy quiz.

Who cares? Steve. I'm like, this guy cares a little bit. This is my first re

-entry back into society since the whole... You didn't hear me. No, not

hear me. Yeah, yeah.

Like, whatever.

Everyone's going to be wondering, like, what is he up to?

What's his next move?

Who is Lil Dicky 2.0? Right? Are we missing an opportunity to make some kind

of statement here?

You can...

Bring attention to a cause, you know, that you care about. Use your platform

for good.

I used to not care at all about what to care about. Now I care about what to

care about. I just have no idea what to care about.

Ghosts.

Ghosts. It's ghosts. I'm sorry, right now. Right now it's ghosts.

I've never encountered any sort of ghost issue.

Okay, then I'll fucking kill myself.

What about climate change?

Climate change?

We have 11 years to stop the temperature from rising 1.5 degrees Celsius. And if

we don't do that, it will lead to catastrophic damage that will lead to

the destruction of the Earth. Are you kidding?

How is no one talking about this?

Everybody's talking about it. How is this not like leading sports center

every day? Like breaking news, we have...

Ten years, 364 days left. Oh, I love this for you. Okay, yes, a look about

climate change. Save the Earth. Save the Earth. I have it. I can't tell you. It's

got to be a rushed job. It's going to cost you five times as much, but it's

going to be good, and I really need this right now psychologically.

Al, will you be in charge of making sure that I use my platform for good for here

on out?

Wait, are you serious? Yeah, I need someone to do that. Who better than you?

You're the moral compass of life for me. Would you take that on, or do you not

have the bandwidth?

Bandwidth? Yes!

I have been with. I have been with.

Yeah? Yes. Yeah, please. Yes. Great. Yeah.

CEO of Morality.

Woo.

Yeah. Okay, here we go.

Don't scratch my baby. No, I promise you I will not.

All right.

All right, Mom.

You want him back by four or five? Oh, that's all right. Do what you got to do.

I'm going to just get a ride from Mills. Okay.

They really stole your shit straight out the driveway. I can't believe they took

the car. That whole block is getting worse.

It's getting tricky over there, moms.

But don't you worry about me, baby. You just focus up, okay?

They got me on this panel, just me.

No L.D. Can you believe that? Yes, I can.

I love you. I love you, mom. You have fun, okay?

Hey, pray for me now. Oh, always.

Woo!

Oh, yeah.

Look at this here, bro. I'm about to get my William Shakespeare on up in this

motherfucker, bro. Thanks for coming, dog. Of course. This is crazy. This is

like a real event.

I know, bro. They got stars coming out, make a cameo and shit.

Dude, I didn't realize you were, like, such a mental health expert.

What? I'm about to win this shit, bro.

Get it. You know it's a panel. There's no winners. There's just losers.

Bro, there's always room for some gander. I'm black and bipolar, bro.

Seriously, they need a real nigga out here like me giving perspective.

Do they?

What the fuck, dog? I thought you was out here supporting me, bro. I'm here to

support you, but I'm saying, do they need a real nigga perspective, or do

they just need a nigga up there, you know, to fit in with all the white

people? I'm locked in for this shit, bro.

Cognitive dissonance.

You hear that?

Cognitive dissonance.

Took me about a week to memorize that shit. I'm about to go backstage.

All right, bro. Good looking.

Hey, I'm gonna win this shit, bro.

Great

call

on the contact lenses, John Paul. I love this shit. I feel like Bradley fucking

Cooper. Imagine someone walking down the red carpet with brown eyes.

You look hot.

I'm gonna send a little pic to Robin. She's got the house to herself. She

might want to masturbate.

Oh, Dave, I didn't realize you had a girlfriend.

Uh, she's not my girlfriend.

Definitely a special person in my life right now, but she lives in Wisconsin,

and we're kind of, like, in this, like, experimental new phase of dating, I

suppose. But, uh, I'd say it's like casual sex with, like, a fuckton of

heart. But you're thinking about her.

You're thinking about her all the time, even when you're not with her, right?

Uh, I don't think about her at every moment, no. Should I? I don't know. I

feel like casual sex is awesome, right? It's kind of like, like... loose hippie

it's freeing you know i mean the specificity in which they make love it's

more than that it's uniquely intimate it's almost primal in its execution what

the fuck are you talking about it's such standard fare with me and her it's like

missionary girl on top it's good i mean sometimes we sweat that's emotional

that's a connection there's something deeper i look her in the eyes and that

means a lot i haven't looked anyone in the eyes before when i fucked we're the

only animals on earth that do that other than bonobos and gorillas a bonobo like

the pants You think she's sitting over there thinking, when's the day he's

going to ask me to be his girlfriend?

Well, maybe. Or wife.

Whatever. I can't really focus on that right now. There's too much potential

energy in the Big Apple. Look at this. I'm getting fucking dolled up for the

Met Gala. This is your new beginning. A new birth for you. This is a big moment

for my rebrand. Dave.

Yeah. Dave, my sexy boy.

Yeah. Time to see the suit.

I haven't slept in 20 days. We got this all figured out. Tell me. Okay.

Well, you wanted big? Yeah. I can give you bigger than you've ever seen, baby.

Okay. Okay. So, here we have you.

You're walking down the red carpet. You're looking cutie. You're looking

sexy. You're looking Gorgianica.

Well animated, yeah. But is that all it is?

No, not in John Paul's world. I don't do shit like that.

So you're going to get to your trigger point.

Trigger point. And you're going to yank on this chain, which is going to be in

the back attached to the accelerator that will fire up. And then you're going

to inflate.

Holy shit.

Big. The world.

You're the globe.

Very cool conceptually.

So big enough to where it's knocking. We're talking 40 feet. It's going to

take up the whole entire space.

So if I was here and I pulled the thing and he was here, he would... Not quite

like a bomb, but somewhere in the middle. Like an airbag. Like an airbag.

Exactly. Yeah, don't say bomb to the bride.

It looks like it's going to hurt a little bit for a few people. It would

hurt more if the world wasn't saved. Yeah.

Dave, I just need you to know that you're going to get permanently banned.

So? I think I give a shit about the Met Gala and all these goddamn celebrities.

The world is exploding or ending.

Oh, my God. We're going to be like the most talked about people in the world.

In the world. But for the world. Yeah.

What are you wearing, Emma?

Versace. Oh my God, it's fabulous.

Megan,

Megan, oh my God, you're...

You gotta have a huge cock, right?

Okay. How big is it? The people need to know.

Are you Lil Dicky?

Oh, man, nothing less. Oh, I'm a fan, bro. Yeah? Man, I got to tell you, that

death shit, dope.

Oh, it was, you know, no. I mean, yeah, but no, it wasn't like that. Don't let

anybody steal your thunder. It was amazing.

Yeah. Oh, you're amazing.

Look, I got to go in here and do my thing, but do you want to hook up later?

Meet Denzel in there, and we could, like, smoke a J and just get fucking

crazy. It's the Met Gala, right? Smoke a joint with you and Denzel Washington?

Yeah, man.

Yeah. You with it? Yeah. All right, Lil Dicky, good to meet you, bro-bro. You

too, Don. See you, bro-bro.

Stay up, bro.

Marvel shit

We

have

11 years to not make it No, you have 11 years left to make the world not be 1

.5 degrees Celsius more temperature wise it can't Go over the... You reversed

the... Oh,

my contact.

Can you pause for the contact?

Did you see it?

Take it away this time!

Like I was saying, if we don't get our shit together right now as a world,

we'll never do what we need to do to...

Take your seats.

Certainly are the beautiful people.

God damn it.

Welcome to the Met Gala.

You are all here because you are the elite.

But who is most?

Look around.

Who do you despise?

Who is your rival?

Tonight, we shall find out.

Olaf the Ball.

First up, Travis Barker.

Fucking idiots.

Just a little prank we played for the first year. Yeah, we just get fucked up.

Have a good time.

Yeah!

Fuck yeah!

Enjoy yourselves.

Everything's free.

This dude really fucking believed that shit.

I mean, what world are you living in, Doug?

Uh, hey, young'un. I'm living in a world that's only got 11 years left unless we

make the 3 1⁄2 or 2 1⁄2 degrees Celsius not reach that point.

What world are you living in? One that's TikTok-based?

My name's Jack. What's your name?

What's your name?

Like my legal government name?

Because I know you know my artist name.

The whole reason that you're even here is because I came first.

Look at how you've modeled your whole physicality. I mean, surely you must

hear it a lot.

I do know who you are, and you're actually the worst thing that's ever

happened in my career. Hard to compete. You know, just being associated with you

at all is... It's tough, I can't lie, but I get through it, as you can see.

It's hard to be associated with this level.

It's a breeze at the end of the day.

Don't touch.

You can look, but you can't touch.

I'd rather touch almost.

I'll give it to you. You got hot.

Some people want to be hot, some people don't. I get it. Ooh, I put earrings in.

If I wore those, I'd look like a woman.

What are you doing?

Stain, bitch.

I like that.

Got beef?

Because I got a whole slab.

Pushing.

Okay.

Wow.

Thank you all so much for joining us here today.

So Demi, tell us, where do you stand on the media's portrayal of mental health?

Well, look, I've made my fair share of mistakes.

And I love you media, but you love to tear us down.

Still, if you've got a platform, you have to stay open, keep yourself

accountable, you know what I mean? I agree. You've got to put your shit out

there every day.

Wait, we can curse? I want a do-over.

Oh, yeah, you a fool, Demi Lovato. And you've got a cold-ass falsetto.

But that's what it's about, though, you know?

Sharing your pain, and somebody else will share theirs, too.

A lot of people connect with me, honestly, because I am bipolar.

Oh, me too.

I feel you on that.

I think it's about staying true to your feelings, for me at least. You know,

when I was younger, things were a little confusing.

I had to understand my gender identity, my sexuality.

Sexuality? Oof, that shit got me going crazy.

Did y'all know that I'm a sex addict, too?

Check this story out. One time, I was in my car, bored as hell. So I, you know,

slide in the chick DM, tell her to come through. She pull up, move to move,

yada, yada, yada. But she didn't look nothing like her pictures, though.

That's when I realized, I got sucked by a fat bitch just to feel something.

And after I bust, I'm like, damn, the nigga really got a problem.

What the fuck is Gator talking about in front of all these white people?

Hey, do you know him?

Uh, unfortunately.

Oh, man, your friend is awesome.

I'm gonna name Ted Shunem. I make reality TV.

I've got this new show. It's a middle-hill show called Nuthouse.

He would be great.

I mean, you could talk to Gator. He'd do anything to be famous at this point.

What? I'm supposed to be up here keeping it real, right?

No need to whisper.

Right.

And, um... Mr.

Sear, you've talked about... And I never met my dad.

And I called my aunt my mom because she raised me.

That shit kills me every day.

I'm not gonna allow y'all to sit up here and judge me.

Only God can judge me.

That's cognitive dissonance.

That's beautiful.

Thank you so much for sharing all that.

We've got to be safe.

I want to save the earth too, Al. I really do. But like Don Cheadle's here,

Harlow's staggered. It's like, it's a lot. It's an overwhelming situation.

Look, it's not a lost cause because the most visible picture of this thing is

always the bathroom selfie.

I have no idea what that means. What is the bathroom selfie?

Every year, the coolest celebs go to the bathroom at the same time and take a

selfie. You've got to find out when they're doing it, get in there and pull

that cord.

Well, how do I do that? I don't know how that fucking shit works.

Excuse me, do you mind if I just plug in here?

Thanks, Olaf. Bye.

Is that okay?

Yeah. Okay.

Thank you. Yeah, take a seat.

Sorry, there's like one outlet in this whole thing.

Oh, yeah, I can't use a seat.

Oh,

that feels better.

You okay?

Yeah, just can't see anything with this thing on. Oh, yeah.

I'm Rachel.

Hi, Rachel.

Hi. I'm Dave. Nice to meet you. Dave, nice to meet you.

You having fun?

Uh, not particularly, to be frank with you, no. It's my first Met Gala, and

it's just not going anywhere close to how I envisioned it.

Honestly, these things really stress me out.

Yeah? I only came, my publicist forced me to promote my next movie.

Well... If it makes you feel any better, I will go see that movie.

So the promotion actually worked. Tell your publicist you've got one customer

locked in to go see that new film. All right.

I'm going to let her know. Thank you. My publicist made me come here, too.

Really? Yeah, I've got a publicist as well.

What do you do, Dave?

I'm a rapper.

Yeah. A rapper? Cool, right?

Very. Yeah.

The ground.

A couple people chit-chatting, sitting Indian style. I would knock it out of

the park.

I'm really bummed that you're not having fun at your first Met Ball.

Oh, well.

What can we do to turn that around? How can we make it better?

I mean, do you know anything about this bathroom selfie thing? I feel so lame

asking that. No, don't feel lame. I felt the exact same way.

You just need someone to get the ball rolling. Okay. So I'm going to corral

everybody up.

And you're going to go to the bathroom, everyone comes in, and it's going to go

down, just like that. You really have that kind of influence, huh?

I got some eating out of the palm of my hand.

Yum, yum, yum.

Are you going to be in this picture with me? No, God, no, no, no, no. I don't

take pictures in bathrooms anymore.

The elephant in the room is, like, getting up is going to be, like,

borderline impossible in this outfit. Really? Yeah, will you help me up?

I can't. I was hoping you would help me.

Let's combine the inertia of... We're our publicist. I know. Here, we can...

I got you.

Sorry. You okay?

Yes, I'm up.

Should we do the plan now?

Yes. Okay. Okay. Copy you.

Copying that. Rachel's on the move. Roger, you. I'm going to go to the

bathroom. Downstairs. Okay. Yeah. Go get him, Tiger.

Okay.

No, that's what I'm saying. I just did it a couple hours ago.

Just handle it, please.

Jesus Christ.

So I need you to get in there and... Hang on a second.

Okay, yeah.

I need somebody to get in there and get rid of it, okay? Get it out of there

before it opens tomorrow.

Yeah, big red letters right by the crown.

Yeah, on the inside, Carly. You think I scaled the outside of the fucking Statue

of Liberty?

No, you don't yell at me, okay?

This is your fucking job. It's what I pay you for.

Why do you need to know what it says?

It doesn't matter what it says. It says fuck white people, okay?

Just get it.

No, I wasn't on fentanyl again. Jesus Christ.

I'm trying to...

Selfie time?

No?

Wait.

Are we doing the bathroom selfie now?

Were you waiting in the stall for the selfie?

No. As you must know, I was taking a shit, so... Ah.

Shitting, he says.

It's fine, guys.

Yeah.

I don't think this guy was taking a shit.

Wow. And I'm from Kentucky, so I know shit.

That's facts.

Yeah. What the fuck does that even mean? Why would you lie about that? That's so

lame.

I'm not lying. Do you guys want to smell my asshole for proof? What do you want?

Gross.

I'm sorry.

Criticism aside, I owe you an apology from Germany. I am sorry about what

happened. I don't blame you for the Holocaust if you're a tall Aryan guy.

Not at all what I'm talking about. I don't know what you're talking about.

I've never even been to Europe, dude.

You've never been to Europe?

Wow. Really?

Oh, God.

You would love Europe.

Okay, you don't know anything about me.

None of us do.

You guys, shut the fuck up. Let's take this fucking picture before I lose my

mind. Yeah.

Why don't you guys stand right next to me? No, stand right next to me.

Stand right next to me.

Right. Right here.

Yeah. Okay, remember it. You're going to remember this shit forever.

Okay. The whole world's going to see this shit. All right.

All right, so, uh, how about we run this city on three? Yeah, yeah, yeah, all

right, here we go.

One, two,

three.

We run this city! Wait, sorry.

One more.

Sorry.

You said you didn't want to be in the bathroom, Sophie. Oh, well, one more for

old time's sake.

Does my hair look okay?

It looks perfect.

All right, all right, let's do this.

One, two.

Three. We won the infinity!

All right.

Another one? Yes, sir.

All right, I'm going to go hang out with some black people.

Man, that was an exhilarating mission, wasn't it? Yeah.

Thank you for, like, pulling all out to set me up for success.

Oh, yeah, of course. I mean, you're just so cute and funny. Oh, thank you. Yeah,

I, um, do you live in L.A.? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Okay.

Do you want to get a meal sometime?

Yeah. Do you want to give me your phone? Sure.

And I'll put my... Number in the old... Digit in the old... Box. Magic box. That

would be everything.

Oh, sorry. You're getting a call.

Yeah.

Sorry. Here you go.

All right.

Well... Okay.

Okay.

You'll be hearing from me. Okay.

Sounds good.

Okay. Oh, and I want to hear that rap about us.

I'm on it.

Fuck.

Come on!

Move, move!

We're going to win!