All language subtitles for Dave307

then he would have to speak at your
funeral or something like that. I would

have been perfectly fine with that.

Except for death, then. Yeah, except for
the death. Yeah, that would be no good.

I gotta be everything that I could be.

I gotta do this thing.

Honestly.

Why can't I do it all?

Honestly.

I bet I shock them when I drop.

I know they probably think I'm washed.

I'm kettle cooking with a chip.

It's on my shoulders till we win.

I'm getting older by the minute. I
really had it up to here.

They always looking like they're winging
it.

I've been planning every meal.

Got me sipping on this beer.

And I don't even fuck with beer. I need
some water and ideas.

I gotta start to make it clear.

I'm kind of heaping on a fallacy. I'm
powered by the people doubting me. I had

to eat it like a ton of calories. And
the analogy is that I'm blowing up and

I've been carrying this weight.

Fuck my old shit, all of it sucks. Piss
on them records, I shit on them records.

I thank everybody who saw the potential
in me, but I still had to get it

inevitably. If I could, I would sit down
and conversate with every hater and try

to debate them. I know it's subjective,
but it's my objective to do it so well

that it's not.

That was the one. Man. That was a good
take. And I ain't gonna lie, you in your

bag, L.D. This has been, what, the most
productive month of my life? I own a

home? Woo! What more can I ask for?
You're speaking your truth into

existence. Yeah, Jack.

Really speaking your truth into
existence, especially when you're lying

to everyone on national television.

What are you referring to? Jimmy Kimmel.
I didn't lie on Jimmy Kimmel. You can go

replay all that footage. I didn't lie
once.

You just twisted facts. I didn't twist
any facts.

I didn't. Chuck, you sound like Trump. I
omitted, like, some details, but he

didn't ask the questions that would
have... I really did, like, learn a lot

about life from that whole experience,
and I have a whole new lens that I see

the world through. From here on out,
honesty.

On that note, earlier today I did tell
you that a boner was called a boner

because a man has a bone that, like,
comes out of his pelvis when he's

excited. It's not true.

Dick isn't made of bones.

It's, like, all meat.

Oh, okay.

All right, I need you guys to leave. I'm
getting ready for Robin.

Jack, how long is she going to stay
here?

I don't know. Two weeks.

Two weeks? Yeah. Are you insane?

Two weeks. It's like a honeymoon length.
I couldn't be more excited, honestly.

What if she's not even what you remember
her to be?

You barely know this girl?

Man, that shit happened to me one time.
I was fucking with this Arabian bitch,

man. I thought she was going to be cool.

She's going to text me the next day
talking about alimony. How do you get

pregnant in one day?

Get it? I have no idea what you're
talking about, but this is not that.

I, like, know this girl. I talk to her.
We text.

If you heard the voicemail she left when
she thought I was dead, you would

understand. So you talked to her about
everything, right? She know about the

death scam and all that, huh?

Never call it the death scam, right?
Let's refer to the death.

thing as a totally different thing that
never even is vocalized and I know I

have not but like I will I just like
don't want to start off with that

conversation but I'm getting to a fresh
new start too man you ain't gonna

believe this nigga I ain't had sex in
like two weeks you know I even started

beating my shit again beating your shit
what like jerking off yeah jacking off

what you weren't jerking off before I
ain't jerked off since like 12 Grade or

some shit.

12th grade? You haven't jerked off in
like 20 years?

There's way too many hoes out here for a
nigga to just be jacking off like that,

bro. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please be careful
about the roses on the way out.

Check this.

This is crazy.

You're going to freak this girl out
unless you want her to be your actual

girlfriend. And then I think it's going
to freak you out. Check. It's finally

the point in your life where you're
like, what are you doing? You could just

be like... Hello?

Okay,

coming right up.

One more time. Is it open?

Thank you.

Satin sheets.

I'm gonna have to cancel the beach thing
tomorrow.

No, no, no, Chuck, you can't cancel it.
The beach is, like, overrated and one

-dimensionally textured anyways, like, I
have to... Bro, you gotta come to the

beach, dog. You out of pocket, you doing
way too much all these roses and shit.

Guys, I will see you later, okay? What,
you're just canceling plans on it? I

can't neglect her on the first day.

Niggas twist up all over a bitch.

No, I left his food in the sink to thaw
out. And you just give him a cup. Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Hello?

Hi. I'm buzzing you in.

Oh, shit.

Oh.

Hi.

Hey, girl.

Come in.

Hey. Your house is...

Sick. Can you believe you only have to
put 20% of the money down? Yeah, a

mortgage. Yeah, I had no idea. It's like
you only need to be so wealthy. That is

exciting, actually.

Well, welcome.

Benjamin Moore, the professional's
choice on the paint.

Oh, my God.

Wow, we're here.

Yeah. Look at us.

Here we are in person.

I'm so happy you're here. Hi. I really
am so happy you're here. Hello. Yeah.

I thought you were kissing.

You're alive. I thought you were dead,
so this is... Let's fucking unwind or

something. Let's celebrate.

Let's celebrate. Okay. Should we drink?
Is that weird to just throw out right

away?

Wine? Is that... Wine.

Don't often carry wine, but I might have
something over here.

Oh. I think there's some wine over here.

Honestly, you can just take whatever you
want.

Need a pair of nice new headphones?

That's... What are these here for?

Oh, these brands. They just send me all
this shit because my birthday is this

week. So it's like, that's what's going
on. It's your birthday this week?

It is, yeah.

Why wouldn't you tell me that? Fuck. I
don't even like attention on my

birthday. I hate it.

Okay. I hate everyone like looking at
you, expecting you to be like this

unreasonable level of happy. It's
just... It's your birthday.

It doesn't matter. How can I get you
this wine? There is a store. Okay. We

can go there.

I'm more of like a weed smoker. Do you
smoke? Yeah.

No, I'll... I'm gonna get it for myself.
You have the wine. We'll escape our

bodies at the same time, and it's gonna
be pretty incredible.

What the fuck?

So, publicity-wise, in the past month, I
think we've got a lot done, so I think

we're being very productive. So it's
working, for sure.

Yeah, yeah, Kimmel went well, so I'm
assuming he trusts me more now.

He did say he felt managed.

Well, that sounds like a management
issue.

Yeah.

Look, Dave is really starting to trust
you.

Right. But... He wants to live his
honest truth.

Well, that's after he faked his own
death.

Well, we did talk about that. You know,
the rats on the bus, that was actually a

real thing. Please, please, please, come
on. I'm a publicist. I know an attention

grab when I see one. I make them for a
living.

We just want to get away from that
thing.

You know, it's a yucky story, and Dave
is very sensitive about it. You know, I

love Dave, right? I love a challenge.

I love you guys. That's why I took you
on.

But your client is a child.

I mean, last time he was here, he was
playing with putty. That's for his ADD.

That's actually not silly putty. That's
prescribed. Okay, but it stuck his

pocket closed, and he couldn't open it.

Yeah. We have to be able to control him
and, you know, not let him... I can't

control Dave, Ava.

I can't control anything in my life.

He... I... But you have me now, Mike,
okay?

We're going to do this together.

Great.

Great.

I think I'd like to get coffee with you
sometime outside of... Or, I mean, we

would do business, but I mean outside of
this office, because I don't mind coming

here, but... Oh, no, you know what? I
have another meeting. Sorry.

Our conversation was great, though.
Awesome. It was very productive. Love

it. Let me get out of here. And I will
be in touch.

Thank you. Okay.

I'm actually free tonight.

For coffee?

So why don't you come on by and
annihilate me?

What?

Not actually, obviously, but I'm just
into role-playing and blurring lines

between consensual and non-consensual.

So, um, if that interests you at all,
here is my address.

11 p.m.? Yeah, be easy to get in.

Okay.

Yeah, put him through.

Can't believe you don't like your
birthday.

It's your own personal holiday. I love
holidays.

I just feel like every year that gets
higher, the number is more and more

alarming, and all I do is think about,
like, my place in the world and, like,

my standing. No, man, you got to stay in
the present, dog.

I like the present right now, dog. Yeah,
on my 21st birthday, we were doing

karaoke, and I was just, like, ripping
All-Star by Smash Mouth, and I whipped

my hair into a candle, and then my
friends were like, you're on fire.

And I was like, you're goddamn right.
I'm on fire. And I just was on fire. And

then I ended up in the ER.

I, uh, what are we talking about again?

My birthday.

Oh. Did you just get so high? Yeah, my
train of thought just choo-choo bye

-bye'd. Yeah, faded.

Should I just take advantage of this
vulnerability right now and just rip

some questions?

All right, if you need to grill me, I'm
ready to be grilled. Favorite color?

Sunset orange.

Favorite time of day?

4.57, because of the sunset orange.
Yeah, favorite animal?

Elephant. Elephant?

Yeah.

I know I liked you.

It's my favorite animal.

I, uh... I'm sorry, what are we talking
about again?

Elephant?

Should we...

You're so hot. I keep forgetting.

Yeah. You wear it well. Should we keep
going for the wine?

Yeah. What am I doing?

Are you... Should we... That was...

Oh, my God. Please don't come at me like
that.

I need to sit down. Okay. I need to sit
down. I'm sorry.

What the fuck?

Fully strobe lighting.

Lin-Manuel man, you will live down Sorry
he doesn't usually bark at people

he the dog knew the dog knew what I'm
sorry Okay,

oh

They're cool, thank you you're

welcome Dave I Wrote you a song

What? I met a girl.

Thank God.

I met a girl.

Oh my.

She makes me feel alive.

She makes me need a life.

I met a girl.

Thank God.

I love it.

I haven't done the verses yet. I will.

The hook is fire.

Well, you think?

It is fire.

I just need the reboot.

I'll be out.

I think it should be open.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Robin. Yes.

Allie. Yes. Hi.

Nice to meet you. I hope this isn't
weird.

Oh, my God, no.

Sorry, I'm so thirsty.

Is he... Where is he?

He got higher than I've seen any human
get, and he passed out. Wait, he's...

He's, like, out?

Yes.

Okay, that's amazing.

Oh. I was very stressed about how I was
going to do this. Okay, so we have a

major situation on our hands.

You know how it's his birthday on
Thursday?

I am now aware of it. Okay. We are
throwing him a surprise party tomorrow,

and it's unmovable.

His parents flew in, and Benny is
getting the cheesesteak chef from

Philadelphia, and originally Benny was
supposed to get him there, but that's

before we knew that you would be here.
So we're kind of wondering if you can

bring him to the... party uh yeah of
course yeah thank you totally i know

it's like a lot um what are the like
what what are the details it's um six o

'clock at an airbnb at the beach we were
just like talking about this today he

was saying he doesn't really like
attention on his birthday he like loves

attention he loves attention all of the
days every single one here give me your

phone i am gonna put myself in here as
um mike triangle

I will just send you, like, the
specifics of the location.

And if you have any issues, you can.

Okay. Yeah.

You said your parents are going to be
there? Oh, my God. You're going to love

Don and Carol.

It's going to be great.

Great.

But I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm going to get out while the getting
is good.

And good luck.

You got this.

Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay. Great.

Fuck.

Hey.

Want to go to the wine store?

Are you okay?

I'm still high.

Yeah. That is clear.

Are you having fun?

Yeah.

I don't get these people.

I mean, every time John Hamm's dick
print bulges in his pants when he's

walking around Brooklyn, it's not a
story.

He wears khakis. He walks around a lot.

I'm sorry.

Can I call you back?

Hello?

Hello? Oh, hello.

Hey, it's Mike Sparrow.

Are you ready?

Ready for what?

Are you ready to be scrutinized? Oh, no,
no, no, no. Get the fuck out of my

house. No, no, we talked about it. You
told me to come here. Remember, you told

me your safe word, and it was memorable,
but I don't remember what it was. Come

on, man.

Oh, yeah.

I will come on.

I'm going to come on strong.

Well. I'm going to come on myself when
I'm not on myself.

I'll need to suck the pepper through.

What? Tell me to suck the pepper spray.

I'm going to make you suck the pepper
spray.

It's like, take it the fuck out of my
hand. No, what do you mean? Like, be a

man. Don't tell me to be a man. I am
being a man. I'm just... Jesus Christ,

will you just go with it? I don't want
to go with it.

I don't want to go with it. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, okay?

Ava, I don't want to do this. I've never
done this before. I don't know what to

do.

I think you're smart and you're
beautiful.

I just want to do something normal with
you, like eat a meal.

Mike, I like you too.

Obviously, that's why I invited you over
here.

I'm in control all the fucking time,
okay? So I just, like, want something

different, if you know what I mean.
Like, I guess it's my kink.

I just thought maybe you might have
wanted a little control in your life.

I understand.

I didn't get it before, but trust me, I
get it. I've had some weird kinks over

the years.

I used to...

Be in love with women with lopsided
breasts. I was obsessed.

Look, I'm not going to do what you want
me to do.

Okay.

Because as interesting as it sounds for
you to get what you want, you're not

getting any of it.

At all.

You like the way I rub you?

Do you like that?

Yeah. I don't care if you do or you
don't. You understand?

Yeah. Don't.

I hope you don't understand.

Did you order a brick?

A brick? What do you mean?

A brick cock.

Because I'm about to lay some brick.

You want to come?

Yeah, please.

Too bad.

Not on my watch.

Mom,

he's very endearing.

I mean, you have to be to pull off
getting so high that I just have to put

him into bed.

And then when he was asleep, his
ex-girlfriend came because his whole

friend group was throwing him the
surprise party.

And, no.

Mom, I don't know who's prettier. It's
like crazy.

We're both equal.

Hi. Hi. I gotta go.

Okay. Love you.

Bye. Oh, boy. Hi.

What have I done?

Good morning. He has risen.

I rose.

I fucked it all up. No, you didn't. Wow.

Did you get good rest?

I mean, that was, I'm borderline H
still. Okay. But I want to make it up to

you, and I've taken steps towards making
it up to you by creating the perfect

romantic plan for us today.

Today? The whole day? The whole day,
bucko.

Strap in.

Um, well, I, I made plans for us today,
too.

Dueling plans? Yeah.

Okay, tit for tat.

What's yours?

What's yours?

No, you first. Okay, let me paint a
picture.

Okay. I want you to imagine that
outside, even though we're in Los

Angeles, there are six to nine inches of
snow.

How? Because I've created an entire
winter wonderland right here in my back

area. Hot chocolate, toboggans.

There's like all types of accoutrement
that fits the winter wonderland theme

because I remember that you love snow
days. Snow days. Yeah.

What's your plan?

The beach.

Just the beach. Yeah, the beach.
Everyone loves the beach. Well, we could

just go relax and chill on the beach,
and we could just, you know, get

comfortable and go for a swim and get
tan.

It's so cold in there. I can't tan. I'm
on Accutane. I rented bikes so we can

get exercise. Do you not like bikes?

I feel like you.

If I seem forlorn, it's because I just
don't know how to ride a bike. You can't

ride a bike? I struggle riding a bike,
and it was a big thing of my childhood.

All my friends could ride the bike. I
couldn't do it. It really separated me

from my entire group of friends in a
second. But, like, life is about

learning new things. Is it?

No snow day?

I would just really love to get out of
the house. You know, the like.

Oh, yeah.

We should... Yeah.

What am I? Stretch my legs.

Yeah, so I didn't even think about that.
You would never want to stay here

because you've been here. I didn't
even... Let me... I can adapt. I can

adapt. I'll just call the whole thing
off. One sec. Hey, fellas.

No,

we don't need anymore.

Ixnay on the Osnay.

This is so thoughtful.

I think I might be in the window of
cancellation. I doubt it, though. They

are here.

But it's not that costly.

This is very sweet.

You're sweet.

Throwing me on that bike is sweet.

We're going to do that. Yeah.

You got to put it somewhere you can see
it.

All right.

Yeah, just this way a little. No.

That way.

I'm going to change it myself later. Oh,
honey, I would have never done this at

the beach. It's dirty and overrated.
It's like trying to throw a party in the

wilderness, and it smells so bad.

What do you expect? Look, there's a
fucking dead seal here. What am I

supposed to do?

Well, it's the beach. What did you
expect?

Expect it? Expect there to be a fucking
dead seal? I've never even seen a real

seal. What do we do? Do we, like, change
the time? Do we let the tide come in?

Nah, man, it's fine. All we got to do is
get that dead-ass seal in the ocean.

Look. Let's just go down there. We pick
it up.

The three of us could get it out of here
in like five minutes. Hell no, bro. That

shit look diseased, man. Can I help?

What's the path?

Down there.

Oh, Jesus. Fuck no. Fuck. I'm here. What
is the catastrophe?

Oh, God.

Birds. Come on. Just eat the dead seal
down there. I got to get my assistant to

deal with this. She does shit like this
all the time. Oh, my God.

Y'all like the scene?

Uh, no.

Not really.

You weren't exaggerating.

No, I mean, yeah.

It's the starting and stopping and
turning that I'm... Just commit to it.

Commit? I'm pretty committed right now.

What do I... There's a car.

Hey, there's a car, Robin. What do I do?
I'm not leaving this... Go to the

sidewalk.

I like the sidewalk.

You know, until now, I would have
thought you could either ride a bike or

not. I've never actually seen this
middle ground, and it's pretty

impressive.

You're doing great.

This is nice.

Uh... Really?

Uh... Sir!

Okay.

Dave, it's great. Homeless man! Dave,
just go around him. I can't turn. I

can't turn. Sir, I can't turn.

Sir! Dave!

Are you okay? Are you... God damn it.
Are you okay?

No.

How's your knee?

Not good.

Okay, well... I'm like fully skinned,
so... Okay.

We tried.

I gave it my all. Today is not our day.
Let's go home.

This isn't working.

You know what is the most healing?

The salt and the sun.

I'm just going to be totally frank with
you. There's a zero percent chance I'm

going to the beach.

Okay, but we had plans to go to the
beach.

I don't know. Plans like change. Like
Blockbuster had plans to not have the

streaming era exist.

Let's just like see.

No,

it hurts. So we could get these in like
an Uber. No, I'm hurt. I can't put any

weight on it.

But we had plans to go to the beach.

Robin, it's not happening.

I'm trying to put on... That's... That's
what?

I... This is no indictment on you. I
fell. I tried to ride a bike. I'm

skinned. I'm a skinned person.

I came all the way from Wisconsin, Dave.

I want to go enjoy myself and get some
R&R on the beach. I heard that

there's... Let me tell you firsthand of
the guy who's from the East Coast who

never went to the beach and now he lives
on the beach. It's so overrated. Well,

you should let me experience that for
myself. I... A different day when I'm

not, like, fully injured. This isn't
Madden. You can't turn off injuries.

Let's... I don't know what to do.

Let's fuck on the beach.

What? Let's fuck on the beach.

Ah.

But I'm, like, so weirded out by that, I
don't know how to react to that. I'm not

gonna... You owe me outdoor sex. I owe
you outdoor sex? Are you serious?

I... You really believe that? No, I
don't know.

Look, I'm not the guy that's gonna,
like, get hurt for you like Rambo or

fuck you on the beach like a gladiator,
okay? That's not who I am. And maybe we

just don't know each other and we're
forcing this whole thing.

Like, please, let's just go home. I'm
going home personally. I hope you come

with me. Dave, I'm trying to get you to
a surprise party.

What? Yeah, your friend, they are
texting me right now all day, and they

told me to get you to the beach because
they're all there just waiting for you.

That's why you've been acting this way?
Yes, that's why I'm acting this way. I

don't even like the beach. I hate the
beach, and I hate lying.

I'm so bad at lying. This is so
stressful. I'm sweating so much.

I hate lying, too.

Yeah, I... I faked my own death.

Cool. I didn't fake my own death, but I
did pretend to be dead for longer

because the views and the streams were
just going so fucking crazy.

I got your voicemail. I wanted to call
you back. I didn't. And I haven't really

told anyone this.

And I'm a piece of shit, I guess. And
now you know that I am.

No. I fake my own personality the past
24 hours.

So that's just human nature, I guess.

You know, when you just want something
bad enough, you just do it.

So, I...

Let's

go to the surprise party. No more lying.

Except for pretending to know about the
surprise. That's acting. That's acting.

I know exactly how to play this. I still
am injured, but I'm going to act not.

Come on, let's go. Are you okay?

Yeah. Do you need an Advil? I don't need
anything except you.

I have your back.

Okay. Watch this acting.

Okay.

Mom, Dad, I didn't know you were here.
Hi.

You flew in. You got cheesesteak.

You knew about this?

I did.

You did.

You did. You earned that. Thank you.
Good work.

Great work. Did you not know? I had no
idea.

Yeah, you got me.

Thank you, G. Thank you, G.

Hey, man. Hey,

brother. Big fan. Big fan. Big fan.

Okay, did you really need this shot? I'm
just trying to show them what this hard

work can get you. We're on the beach for
a minute. Oh, it's your alarm.

It says you got to go to bed soon so you
can get your 11 and a half hours of

sleep. Oh, okay. All right, keep working
hard. Hey, Mike, how's it going?

Good.

Really good.

Happy birthday.

I can't believe you guys flew out here
for me. Are you kidding?

Hold on, hold on. You know what? I want
to introduce you guys to somebody.

This is Robin.

This is the famous Robin. Hi, it's so
nice to meet you.

You are lovely.

Okay, what are you doing?

Dave and Robin are actually kind of
cute.

Yeah.

You know what else is cute?

What?

You missed.

It's okay.

Oh, fuck it.

Can I show you your present?

You got me something.

Oh, yeah.

A photograph of an elephant.

Not just any elephant.

He's yours.

What do you mean he's mine?

Well, I found an organization that
rescues him, and I adopted him in your

name. In Africa.

No, you didn't. Yeah. So we pay for,
like, his food and his little elephant

medicine. His name's Ezwit.

Do you like it? You sew it. You sew it.

Shit go down, shit go up. Another round
up in my cup. Slow it down, I'm in no

rush. I'm a child, but I'm getting
older.

I'm getting older.

And it's round and around we go.

Through the ups and downs we scroll.

Growing up I was a peon.

Fantasizing what I'd be on.

Never thinking it would be gone.

How do we know if we're doing this so
wrong?

I haven't seen my home friends in so
long.

Greys get plucked.

My back is fucked.

And I gotta learn TikTok.

Used to play ball twice a week. Now I
can't really play that much.

Used to drink bottles to pregame, now I
can't drink that much.