All language subtitles for Dave305

Thank you.

All right, Mississippi.

I need a female participant on stage
ASAP. Where is she?

into the republic for which is then a
nation one nation under god invisible

yep the liberty of justice because yeah
kind of close but baby i want you to

fuck me to leave war crazy right oh
david's hurt get up she's here hey hi

yeah come on in thank you so much oh my
god hi i'm dave hi

hi i i'm i'm meg

I'm such a huge fan. You're like my
favorite rapper of all time.

Oh, shit. I'm like your Drake.

Cool. Well, Meg, I just had to look at
you mano-a-mano and tell you I'm so

sorry about what happened tonight.

Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's a
little dicky show, right?

I get it.

Oh, well, we will make it up to you.
Mike, let's get her a T-shirt.

Oh, yeah, yeah. What size?

Bring the whole box over so she can fit.

We have a full-service operation here,
and we designed all the clothes. Check

it out. Boom.

And a Lil Dicky show is an experience,
and you had the wrong experience

tonight, so you have to have the right
experience. Like, what about coming to

another show?

You want to come to Memphis?

Memphis? Backstage passes. Oh, my God.

The whole kit and caboodle.

Oh, wow.

That is so generous, but I don't have a
car.

Oh. So, yeah.

Well, we have a tour bus.

It's full. It's full, sadly.

It's not full.

No? She's riding to Memphis with us. Is
she? Yeah, she's my ride or die. If she

doesn't ride, we all die.

Are you serious? Yeah, we're going to
have the time of our lives traveling

across America. What do you say?

Oh, my God.

It's going to be so fun. You can't shit
on the bus, though, at all.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

It's not just you. Everybody can't shit.
I can hold it in. Great. Great.

There she is.

Welcome to the tour.

I cannot believe y'all are even at my
house.

Oh, yeah.

Why are y'all getting off? Oh, so my DJ
has this urgent Zoom meeting that just

came up, and the rats ate our Wi-Fi
thing. I hate to intrude. Anyway, we can

just pop in for 20 minutes just so we
can do this, and then we'll be on our

way. Oh, sure. No problem. Yeah.

I mean, it's not very fancy. Oh, no, it
looks a slice of life in a good way. I

don't even know. I think she got cancer.
I'm gonna go gas up.

Okay.

I still live with my parents.

Oh, that's cool. Like, living with my
parents is my favorite part of life, you

know? It all starts with the birth.

Hey, Meg, what's the Wi-Fi?

Oh, uh, I live for him. One word, all
caps.

Wow, you are a big fan.

Oh, no. Him is Jesus.

Oh, sure.

Yeah. I'll set you up in Aaron's room
right down the hall. Oh, thank you so

much. Hey, Megabyte, where the bathroom
at? Oh, right down that way. All right.

Thank you. Yeah.

You know what I need is a tour of the
home. You know, I got to know what makes

Meg Meg.

Okay. Take me, my lady.

Okay. My, um...

I used to know all this shit.

Wow.

It's starting to come down.

Check this out.

Oh, you got it! Yeah! Man, yeah. There
were so many rounds and notes with this

thing to make it not look albino.

Because it looks like an albino black
man. You see what I'm saying?

Yeah, I think it looks just like you.

Oh my gosh, yeah, I get all your stuff.
I think you are a satirical genius.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah. Like
your song, White Guy. I totally get it.

I see all the irony. Yeah. All the
layers. Yeah. Yeah. I love how you take

these big ideas and you subvert them and
you get the point across through the

humor in your music. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, cool. I mean, yeah. Like, what are

people like out here? Because I
honestly, I wasn't really vibing with

the crowd last night, to be honest.

Oh, why? Because they hollered at me?

No, look, those guys are b-holes, but
they got them everywhere, right?

I'd even say they were d-holes.

Hmm, yeah.

Here, let me show you a picture of my
best friend. She's crippled, but she is

so cool.

Yeah, cool. Yeah, she is crippled.

I got a present for you.

You don't like?

Oh, no, this is pretty dope.

No, I mean, I love Wizard of Oz, too.
It's just kind of hard to watch now that

we know that Judy Garland was being
sexually assaulted every day by the

Oompa Loompas.

Yeah, yeah, sure. The Munchkins.

Oh, the Munchkins. Yeah, she was
molested by the Munchkins.

I mean, they were upskirting her, you
know? Yeah.

Anyways, what are your wildest hopes and
dreams in life, Meg?

Well, um...

I love to dance.

You want to dance?

No, no. There's no music.

Huh?

You said there's no music?

No.

Oh, my God.

I love that.

I, like, am in love with this style of
dance. Yeah, I actually had a TikTok

channel with over 6,000 views.

Oh, send it to me. I'll tweet it.

Oh, um, my parents made me take it down,
actually. Oh, no, why?

They banned secular dancing.

They think it's unchristian.

No dancing to the Christian?

But I... I'm not going to be like a
professional dancer or anything anyway,

right? So who cares?

I don't know. I have to object to that.
Like nowadays, you don't need to be born

with like an infinite amount of talent
to be a professional at a certain thing.

Like if you have your own style and your
own pizzazz, you can really make

anything happen.

It just sucks because I feel like this
would be your choice, not theirs.

What's going on? I think the bus rat has
been gnawing on my phone.

I was going to bring a girl back to the
bus.

and I was going to bang it out, and then
I just bailed because of the rats. I was

like, she's going to see rats and rat
shit, you know? That is the reason. I

didn't want her to see rats and be
grossed out.

I hook up.

Hi.

What in the world? Hello. Who are you
people? We're here with your daughter,

girl who has the body and all the head
of hair. She's shorter.

She has all the hair on her head. There
she is.

Mom, Dad, I thought y'all were at the
fair.

We had to turn around because of the
weather.

All of Mother's custards got spoiled.

May and Ashley, I know you weren't alone
with the man in this house.

No, no, no. It's not like that.

No. For the life of me, I do not
understand what is going on here.

So we're friends with Meg, and she
actually was just being kind enough to

let us use the Wi-Fi here on our way
to... Memphis.

Memphis. We're headed to Memphis, and
we're just stopping over. We'll be out

of here soon. In and out. Y'all ain't
going nowhere.

They closed the roads.

Hurricane.

Well?

Don't worry.

Y'all can stay here till it passes.

Megan Ashley, will you just come and
help your grandmother? She's drenched.

Richard!

What's that?

Richard!

Oh, no, you're confused.

I'm Michael.

Michael. So...

I've just been considering this
beautiful offer, but we have, like, all

the wheel drive, bus drivers coming.
We're going to cruise through it. No,

I wouldn't get caught in the storm.

Got stuck out there a few weeks back
with the boys at our meeting.

Wasn't pretty.

A meeting with the boys.

And there's more.

This is my friend Gata, short for
alligator, and Vodka, which is not short

for anything. She's just trans-Siberian.

Not to be confused with transsexual. Ah.

Transgender. Ah.

And there is another guy in another room
as well.

He's tan.

Well, can't you just, like, drive
through it?

Cliff is stuck at an AM, PM. Dude, why
can't we just Uber? Because, dude, it's

crazy outside. What are you talking
about? Cliff.

All right, well, just stay safe, and
then we'll see you soon, huh?

What are you looking at, baby?

Relax. Read the room. There's no time
for that.

These people are insanely conservative.

Yeah, no shit. We're, like, in the
absolute belly of the beast right now,

everybody. Take note and heed, okay?
There are some outdated principles being

adhered to in this household. Okay, but
they're putting us up, all right? So

that's a good belief.

And I appreciate that, but I am thinking
about our dear, sweet Meg, who we've

already put through hell, mind you,
okay? She's got to deal with this whole

shit on a day-to-day level? Oh.

All she wants to do in life is dance.

That's what makes her happy. That's what
fills her soul.

And her parents ban it because it's
unchristian. Didn't your parents tell

you not to be a rapper, bro?

Not for religious reasons. Like, that
was just because they were being

practical and logical as far as, like,
planning my future.

I understand, like, logic and
practicality are Jewish traits, though,

but... Very. You know, I might just have
a word with her parents. Bro, please do

not say anything that gets us kicked out
of this house during a fucking

hurricane.

My mom says that we cannot continue to
sit back and let people ruin the

societal fabric of our country just
because they were raised differently.

Like, we're past that point.

If anybody should be uncomfortable, it
should be the blacks.

I don't like the way that dude looked at
me. Hey, Judah Black, we're in the same

boat here. We're in Mississippi. We're
both kind of, you know, not... Same

boat? You know who's in the same boat as
me? Y'all ain't go through no slavery?

Have you ever heard of the Holocaust?

No. That's not slavery.

It's not slavery. What do you mean? They
enslaved the Jews and then starved them

to the point of wither, right?

I mean, both things are terrible, but at
least with slavery, the aim was not to

exterminate. The aim was to keep
everybody alive so output could be like

at a max.

Oh, my God. It's true. It's true. They
were producing bushels of, like, wheat

and cotton. Cotton, you fucking asshole.

And, like, the whole economy, the GDP,
everything was on the line. The

Holocaust, they were just, like,
bringing in the Jews, thinning them, and

then cutting their heads off with gas.

Okay. And here we are being the lazy
liberal assholes they think we are. We

should be out there helping them,
boarding up the windows or whatever the

fuck you do. And also don't say a word
to her parents about dancing.

Don't.

Don't. This is the last thing I'm going
to say about the Holocaust.

Back when it was happening, a lot of
people didn't speak up.

And then when the Nazis came for those
people, there was nobody left to speak

up for them.

I learned that in Hebrew school.

I'm not going to have Meg.

Be fucked that way. Don't be stupid.
Look, I'm not going to be able to argue

with the logic that I'm going to come
with. No one can argue with logic.

Fuck you.

We got to get the fuck out of here.
Fuck.

Do you want to make knife and fork duos
with me?

That says I'm for hardy and tarnished.

What was that?

He hates me when I weep.

Oh. Okay.

Oh.

Dadgum storm turned right forth.

Aaron needs to take care of that dead
tree that blew into the shed.

I'll tell him.

So you're a musical performer?

That's right.

Is it Christian music?

Uh, if you count Jewish as Christian.

Which, I don't know why you would,
unless you're thinking about how Jesus

was Jewish, right?

But if you don't think that way, no.

I'm actually a rapper.

But, like, with totally a positive
message.

We prefer God's message.

Yeah? And I hear that fully.

I do think God would totally gel with my
message, for what it's worth.

You don't have to share our values to
share our table.

To play devil's advocate, not that he
needs one.

This is kind of what's wrong with
America, you know? We don't really know

each other. You don't know my values.
Maybe we have more in common than you

might think.

I am so sorry.

Why don't you tell me what they are?

Uh... Mom, what are our values?

Our values?

Yeah, like, I'm in Mississippi right
now, and I think I'm with some people

that you said are, like, the bad part of
America.

Oh, God, David, are they armed?

No. Well, I don't know. Probably, but,
like, I mean, I'm trying to remember

what I learned about nature versus
nurture. It's just, like, they say they

get their word from Jesus, and I don't
know what, like, they say.

God damn it, I love you, brother. I'll
see you on the other side of that

mountain.

Talking to my cousin.

I need you.

You need me?

Come on.

You know, no one ever says things are
going north when they're going well.

Only south when they're going poorly.

In the name of things going poorly, I
think the little girl is a demon.

No. No, she's a kid.

You know when rappers say demon time?
What is that?

I thought it was when people fuck late
at night and they don't want to tell

anyone about it. No, that's called a
sneaky wink.

So many terms I just don't understand or
know.

What? I don't know. Hey.

What?

What?

I get to see her pussy.

Oh.

Is that her pussy?

That's her pussy? That's her pussy. What
do we do?

Oh.

Come here, buddy.

What is he doing? Oh, my God.

Why can't I... I keep looking at it.

Well, let's just go to another room.
Let's just go to another room. Quietly,

quietly.

next week, the branches flying around
crashing into the house, can't we?

I guess not, no.

Oh, a saw, cool.

It's like a horror movie out here.

Did you ever see Saw?

Nah.

I hate the playground.

They used to call me Monkey Bar.

They used to call me Bic.

Because I used to Bic my dick with my
dad's razor.

I don't know.

What are your intentions with Meg?

Pure. Christlike.

She's just a fan.

Yeah, and y'all rappers don't fuck fans,
right?

I mean, sometimes.

What?

She too fat?

No.

I love fat.

I'm just fucking with you.

Okay. I wouldn't fuck her either.

Well, she's her sister, so...

It's

a Category 3.

Hey, Ryan, man, congrats on getting that
submarine license, bro.

Let me know how it is down there,
finding Nemo and all that.

GD all day. Salute.

Oh, this is a good one. I used to smoke
cigarettes.

Hey, yo, Alan and Christine, I heard
y'all quit that nicotine.

That's what's up, my GGD all day.
Salute.

I've seen the devil.

Stared him square in the eyes.

Felt the heat off his face.

Okay. I will protect this family with my
life.

Protect Meg, even from herself.

Do you understand me, boy? I think I do.
I don't understand what's happening now.

Are we just getting this side of the
tree, or... Got another one?

Hey, Xander, I heard you got fired on
your day off for selling cardboard

boxes. That's what's up, man.

Keep doing your thing, G.

What the fuck,

man? Do you see me?

You're tripping. No, do you see me? Calm
down.

Why the fuck you throw my phone like
that, man?

Gator, go get her, bro. What are you
doing? Bro, I'm not chasing that type of

energy, man.

Why do you always do this shit, Gator?

Do what?

I was doing cameos, trying to get some
money.

For these enemies of mine, who do not
want me to reign over them, bring them

here, and I shall slaughter them before
you.

Corinthians 6.14 Be ye not unequally
yoked together with

unbelievers.

Okay. I think the power went out, dude.

Yeah, I think so.

Let us pray.

Heavenly Father, thank you for this
nourishment

and shelter from this mighty storm.

Thank you for this bounty we are able to
share with our guests.

Please, watch over them and protect them
on their journey.

Amen.

Blessed Savior, we ask for your light
that it may guide our Megan toward more

righteous pursuit.

We see the devil's temptation, and we
know he is here at large.

In the name of Christ we pray, amen.

Amen.

Will your foreign woman be joining us
this summer?

Oh, no, ma'am.

Vodka's all right. She's not going to be
here tonight.

Well, we can make her a little plate.

I'd rather not.

You know, one thing I've been thinking
about all day, and this might be a

little difficult to talk about, but what
is unchristian about dancing?

Oh, God.

David, come on. It's not difficult to
discuss at all, David.

The truth about modern dance is that it
can create lust and lead to temptation.

Mm-hmm.

Because you're thinking about twerking
and stuff.

Richard!

What? Oh.

Oh, no, it's Michael.

Remember Michael. Richard's dead.

I just think it's more or less how she
expresses herself. And expressing

herself today might look a little
different than expressing yourself when

you were her age, you know? The girl
filmed herself doing split.

Over a plastic snake head.

Dad. Snake head. Sweetie, here. Why
don't you take your plate to your room?

Yes, Mom.

No, she doesn't have to.

Shh, shh, shh.

Sorry. Just eat your food.

Well, now that the child's gone, we can
really dive into it, no?

Like sexuality. Let's just talk about it
real quick. What is evil about

sexuality?

Because for Gen Z, sexuality, like
flaunting how you move and gyrate, is

just as commonplace as, like, combing
your hair was for you back in the 40s or

whatever, you know what I mean? It's
like a different time, and we have to...

Rampant lust leads to emptiness and
desperation.

You become trapped in a cycle of
pleasure, and you start to lose your

soul. Mm-hmm.

Your soul?

Jesus was pretty clear about not judging
sexuality. I mean, he hung out with

prostitutes.

And that's a Christian woman, formerly,
who still might prescribe to some.

You know, even my parents, for example,
used to look at Kim Kardashian like a

DIY porno slut.

But now they're able to see, oh, she's
gotten her, like, law degree. She frees

incarcerated blacks.

It's like things evolve, times change,
and I just think by keeping an open mind

to the present day is pretty essential.

To say that's baloney would be an insult
to cold meat.

I know you libtards care more about
criminals than unborn babies.

You said libtard?

Because we don't say tard today.

Please don't tell me what to say in my
own home, and I won't tell you what to

say in yours.

I'm just saying, living your whole life
on a philosophy that's based off of a

book that was written tens of thousands
of years ago, like, I don't know. We've

just learned way too many facts since
then to still be adhering to those

rules. And to hold poor sweet Meg to
those standards, like, she doesn't even

believe in them. Hey!

Don't you dare say that.

Oh. And don't talk to my parents that
way.

I'm sorry, Meg, but no one's going to
defend you, and I'm trying, and it's

just like the way that you guys are
living is not necessarily more righteous

than the way that... Oh, I got it.

I think that's me.

What?

I can't believe you got out here with
this weather.

I know. Yeah, you're looking hella good,
too.

Damn, I can't believe you came like
that. Seriously.

Man, I'm so happy to see you.

Hey, thank you for the food, but I got
to catch up with y'all in the morning.

Who is that?

Oh, this is Graciela. You know, Cliff,
he hella pussy. She got a four-cylinder

SUV, still came to kick it with me. I'm
going to be outside in her car in the

front. That's my dog, Gator, bro. He had
two bitches pull up in a hurricane.

What is this fucking bitch?

What? Who the fuck is that?

Let's just be cool, yo.

I put you on my skin. Let's just be
cool.

Do something else. What? Do something.

Get her off.

Get her off the floor.

You're defending her?

Really? That's... That's...

David, man, what the fuck, bro?

Meg?

Meg? Not now, Dave.

I am so sorry about all of that.

What the fuck are you thinking, Gaeta?
Yeah, what is your deal, man? How many

girls do you need to come at one fucking
time, Gaeta? It's another person's

house. This can't happen over and over
again.

You need fucking help. Why would you do
this? You're a sex addict. Get your shit

together. You know what?

I am, bro.

What you want me to say?

You don't think I know that about myself
already?

You know how crazy in the head I am?

I gotta text a bitch every night just
because I can't stand being alone.

You know how bad that feel?

What you want me to do?

Tell me.

You a Christian?

It's okay.

Okay? It's all okay.

Just share your pain.

What you want to know? You want to know
the last time that I was with a girl?

Committed to her? She left me and had an
abortion.

You know what that shit did to me?

Broke my fucking heart!

He wants you to love yourself.

Just as much as he loves you, he will
never abandon you.

Why wouldn't he?

Everybody else did already.

I never knew my mom.

I never knew my dad.

How's somebody going to tell me what to
do?

Get it. What do you mean you don't know
your mom? I've met your mom.

Nobody met my real mom.

She left me, man.

She chose drugs, man.

Like, what y'all want me to say? Like,
why should I trust a woman?

Why should I love a woman?

My mom didn't love me my whole life.

How y'all gonna tell me something to
make me feel bad?

Make me want to change?

Like, I was raised by Michael Jordan,
man.

Like, The Simpsons, dog.

Shit like that, bro.

You know how that feel, dog? You are
God's son.

Can we pray for you?

Yeah, man.

Okay.

Dear Lord, we pray for our friend and
ask that you help him through the

struggles he's facing.

Please let this young man know that he
is worthy of your love.

I love you, ma'am.

Hey, Meg.

I'm so sorry about all the craziness
tonight.

And I'm really sorry that we didn't
really get to hang out how we planned

to. I don't know if you want to come to
another show at, like, a later date, but

I would love that.

Most importantly, I'm so sorry for
bringing up the dancing.

I was just trying to...

Hi. Hi.

Um, I didn't respond yesterday because I
just needed a minute, you know?

Absolutely. And I need to, like, really
explain and apologize.

Yeah.

Look, Dave, I really want to be mad at
you for making all these assumptions

about me and my family. Yeah.

But, you know, I realize that even
though I'm this big little dicky super

fan, I don't really know you either.

You do know me. You do. Like, I am the
guy that you love in the music. I'm that

same guy. I'm not the asshole that you
saw last night. Oh, no, I know you're

just trying to help, but I don't need
you to save me, Dave. I'm already saved.

Sure.

I'm not religious, so it's like hard for
me to like fully, you know, but here's

what I'll tell you is only when I
started doing like exactly what I love

to do in life did I feel any semblance
of spirit.

And my parents were like so anti. They
had a whole intervention saying, don't

do this, Dave. Pretty much everybody in
my whole life was kind of making

assumptions about me and why I shouldn't
go for it.

Oh, wow.

Well, I'm really happy you didn't listen
to him.

Me too.

I can't give you a good bye hug right
now because they're all still watching.

Oh, okay. But I'm going to give you a
mind hug, okay? A mind hug?

Do you feel it?

Yeah, I do feel it.

Very warm.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Bye, Mac.

Bye. Bye. Thanks, big dog. Bye, Megan.

Bye, Mike.

Bye, Katie.

Bye, Dave.

Bye, Mac.

Hey, Dave.

Sorry.

I just want to say that I listen to some
of your music.

I don't normally like rap, but...

I loved your shit.

Cool, man. Thank you. Yeah.

It's just fucking cool to hear someone
who's proud to be white.

You know?

Like that song, White Guy.

That song slaps, dude.

Well, you know, I think you might be
misinterpreting, like, the premise of

the song. It's kind of a... No, no, no.
I get it. I get it. I get it.

Just know that me and the boys are going
to be bumping it all summer.

Anyway.

Stay blessed brother.