Original subtitles

Stop calling your friends and say you got one.

Are you ready? Call the doctor.

You out of pocket.

You need to stop it. You saw me at the club and it was on a popping.

But don't make no.

Yeah, it's my alias. I'm Pegnati. I wanted you to feel what I feel when I

arrive. Okay, cool. I love it. Hi.

Oh, thank you. Let's go to the bus. Come on. Guys, I'm here.

Come on. Everybody in. Everybody in. This is Cliff.

Hi, Cliff. I'm Allie. How you doing? Listen, no sitting on the bus. You sit,

you split.

Okay. Treat her like everybody else. Hi, I'm Dave.

Hi,

I'm Dave.

All the way. Finish it all the way.

Do this shit back there we owe this Queen somewhere back.

Yeah In the black man to the back of the bus, I'm just giving you a hard time.

Okay, how we talk. Yeah tour life How is the search for love going?

Really poorly not good. I thought it was gonna be like the romantic climax of man

instead it's really been the stark reality of

Well, there was a girl in Utah that said she was big into LDS.

Oh, Latter-day Saints. Yeah, I didn't know that. I thought she was talking

baseball.

Why? Like the NLD.

The National.

It was totally coincided with that round. I think normal human flaws are

red flags.

Sure. Sounds reasonable. I mean, a big one is that if they're not Rachel

McAdams, that's probably a... A classic. There was one girl, like, I really

didn't like the way she danced. She was a bad dancer.

Dave. I love bad dancers who have, like, all that spirit and charm. But when

you're a bad dancer, and you think that you're not, and you're, like, trying to

be cool, but you're not, that's a bad attitude.

And I don't... I can't...

You can't do that. Wait, by the way, can you do me a favor?

Can you add a name to the list?

Please, my pleasure. That's my power. We can do that. We have that power. I know,

but that's my job.

What's his name? You can do it if you want. What is his name? Do your job.

What's the name?

Roy Winters.

Roy Winters, the silent film actor. I love him. You strumpet.

Okay, I knew that you were going to do this. This Roy guy from college, they're

just friends all this time.

Dave here had a suspicion. Turns out Dave here was right again. I never

hooked up with him. I just want to win the argument that I've always won.

I understand it. And I can't win it unless you admit that I've won it.

So what are your intentions with this man?

My intentions?

Nate, everybody's creaming. I love your vibe. It's so chill right now.

Thank you for saying that.

I am just a chill girl about to have some casual sex.

What do you want to do first? You want to roll me around in a stroller while I

smoke this, baby?

No, I said I'm going to see you at the show. But beforehand, I need to be

Rihanna and focus on my... Well, can I just point out that Rihanna is

notoriously a very good friend, and she would go to the Botanical Gardens with

me and smoke.

Will you do that?

Yeah, I got you. Yay.

Yeah. Thank you.

Oh, by the way, should I wear, uh, the... Yeah, that's cute. I like that

one.

Stop. You're fucking gorgeous.

Which is like coming here to fuck Roy Winters.

Why? You've known him for ten years. It's like fucking an iPhone 5.

Jim just hurt my feelings and was all, I don't have the emotional bandwidth for a

relationship right now. And Roy has always said that I'm his dream girl, and

so it's easy. You have a fucking vagina.

It's always easy.

You could literally stand there and they'd fuck you.

You could walk outside.

Everybody wants to fuck you.

The goal is to not get fucked.

Hmm.

Not tonight.

Cheers for that.

Mm-hmm.

Will you look at my butthole real quick? I think I cut it while shaving. Check,

check. Man, these sound crispy.

Check, check. Check, check, sound. Check.

Check, check, check, check.

Gator, what are your thoughts on Madison, Wisconsin, brother? You rocking

with it? Check, check. Last time I was in Wisconsin, you ain't gonna believe

it. I really pissed on the bitch. Okay.

Those are the kind of things you shouldn't say under the microphone.

Other people can hear it, and you can get canceled. She wanted me to do it,

bro. I'm just letting you know the energy is dope out here, bro.

Man, I fucked a bitch out here with my socks off.

You normally fuck with your socks on? Check, check, check, check, check.

Check, check, check, check.

Hey, I have to. Yeah, okay, right. You know, can we talk away from the stage,

please? I've been waiting for hours. I know, but let's talk away from the

stage. Okay, sure. All right, so we don't have any time to do this. I know

you want to do the click stuff, but I just can't. I'm a photographer.

You guys booked this. I don't know why you're acting like I'm just voluntarily

coming here and wanting to. My point is, we got crunched for time. You're done.

I'm confused.

I've been here all day.

The window that you told me was from 2 to 4. It's now almost 4.30. And it just

closed right up on you. I feel like you really mismanaged your time, and now

you're just being a dick. I'm sorry, we were in traffic, and there was a big

truck. I think it was a P-Laf truck, like Rice P-Laf. Dude, you're gonna lie.

That's not a lie.

Better. Is everything okay down there? Yeah, everything is totally fine. The

picture girl's here.

I'm a photographer.

Okay, same thing. Your organization is incredibly disorganized.

Should I come resolve the situation?

No, please just finish sound check. I'm having trouble hearing you guys. I'm

going to come down immediately.

Look what you did.

Excuse me? Look what you did.

Are you joking?

Hi, what's going on? Hi, I'm Robin. Dave, nice to meet you, Robin. Nice to

meet you. Nice jumpsuit.

Thank you.

Funky. For the magazine spread, I have to take photos of the whole layout. I

can't just get photos of you on stage.

I am now being told that I have no time. Well, who the heck is saying that?

I did.

This guy. That's right.

You can't listen to a word he says.

He's got it all wrong all the time. I mean, I'm just kidding, but it does feel

like some sort of mismanaged situation has occurred. It's not mismanaged at

all. It does sound exactly like that. I can't really be controlled, and that's

kind of like the elephant in the room here. He's realizing that. He's probably

going to walk away very soon.

Yep, see?

Bye.

Off the record.

There's no record.

I'm just here to take photos.

Off the visual record.

One thing you should realize is I'm sorry.

Why would saying sorry be off the record?

I don't know.

In all seriousness, I do feel terrible. If we fucked you over in any way and you

thought you had something and it's not, please, let me make it up to you. I can

give you my whole afternoon, if need be.

Okay, well, I don't actually have the whole afternoon.

I have another shoot later, but I do have a kind of fun non-traditional idea

if you're down.

Will it be non-traditional if I'm traditionally non-traditional?

And it's not a riddle.

Think on it.

Gator, I need you to do soundcheck without me, okay?

Cool.

You look fantastic.

You too.

Oh, my God. Hey, I got you your college drink, Midori Sour.

Quick question. In what world would I still be drinking Midori Sour? In my

world from like 10 years ago where we're still in college and everything is the

same. That's cute. I will not drink this. I just had to fuck with you. All

right, we got to leave.

So let me get this straight.

Um, you flew out here to take me to your ex-boyfriend's concert. Yeah, because

that's like a totally normal, an adult, emotionally stable thing.

Totally. To do.

Which is what I thought when you reached out. And then I had the thought, like,

we should also, we should hit up my ex-wife.

Okay, I'm glad that you said it. Because I was going to, yeah, for sure. Yeah.

Let's pick the bitch up.

Okay.

She's not a bitch. I mean, probably.

Debatable. Ex-wife.

That's like so adult of you.

It is, isn't it? You've been like fully married.

Fully. And then fully divorced. Fully. Which means that you could be a real

housewife, you know?

Honestly, the whole thing was pretty traumatic.

Yeah.

Kind of like wrecked me. I won't get into the details of all of it, but it's

good. Like I'm totally fine now.

And I mean, we're not like best friends or anything by any means.

You okay?

I think I swallowed a bug.

It's like inside of me.

You swallowed a bug?

Here, you should probably drink this because it's like acid. It'll kill the

larva.

Okay,

lift up your throat.

Okay, move it a little bit. I love being a woman.

What did you say?

I said I love this.

Move your body, but just like stay here.

Oh, okay, no problem.

That's kind of...

We'll get a little more hip-hop in there.

I don't know, man. What am I going to do? I think you're going to jump.

Did you get it?

This is terrible. Let's go.

Put your legs out.

Legs out?

Yeah.

Not like that. Okay.

Timid. Yeah.

So what's your deal? How's the tour been? You just drowning in pussy?

I don't like hooking up with girls like that.

Right. Is the implication that I carry myself like a player?

No. Yes. Not no. No.

Ultimately no.

All I want is like a girlfriend, really.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Huh.

So, what about you? You must be up to your neck in big dick energy.

Up to my neck in big dick energy?

I'm just trying to ask you about your life.

Huh. Not now.

Sure. Yeah.

Not really my priority.

Career?

Sure. There's other things. Yeah.

I can only imagine.

Yeah.

Tell me about Wisconsin. Do you love it here?

Like, do you think you're going to die here?

Do I think I'm going to die in Wisconsin?

That's a crazy question to ask a stranger, I guess.

I'm not saying, like, die here today. I'm saying, like, do you think you want

to live the rest of your life in this place?

No, I don't think I do. But my family's here.

You've got deep roots.

Yeah. Plus, we have snow days.

I love snow days.

All right.

Get back to work. Another position.

Titanic.

How's this?

You look effulgent.

I love the way you speak.

Thank you.

Why don't I take you into my world a little?

All right.

This is the scroll guard.

The scroll guard?

It is an STD preventative tool.

You fucking that?

Yeah, I do.

You fuck women in that?

Exclusively women.

Okay. Do you wash it? Yeah, I wash it. I'm not a monster.

You do wash it? I do.

Can I try it on?

By all means, try it on. Just be careful with it, because I do have only one, and

the company, like, totally went out of business.

What is this? This is crazy.

We're the same size.

It's gross.

Yeah. You like it?

I feel so protected.

What you're feeling is peace of mind.

I feel like you get it. And you're still hard after all of that. Oh, there's a

woman? I just want to, like, yeah, take that, you little groupie slut.

And I don't talk during.

But, yeah, you make it look good. Yeah, I don't know.

You're a weirdly honest person.

I have a whole wonderland of equipment, devices.

Wait, don't you have that, you said you had a thing. How are we doing on time?

Oh, yeah, that's a lie.

I lied. You lied?

Yeah. For what?

To be impressive.

Oh.

Why?

To impress you.

Thank you.

Oh.

Sorry. I crossed the line, and I'm sorry. I should not have done that. I

misread the situation.

I love the clock.

Mine did.

Wow.

So, not even the beach?

No. Never fully submerge. Do you mean to tell me that, like, no one has ever seen

you just completely wet? I'm doing everyone a favor by not doing it. I look

like the girl from The Ring was, like, a little round Polish boy.

Like, that's what it looks like. Okay.

Oh, this is a work call. I really got to take it. I'm so sorry.

Is that okay? Is that rude? Yeah, of course. No, you're fine. Oh, yeah. Work

bought me drinks.

Love the forum.

I see you're as athletic as I remember.

The show starts in like an hour if you want to go.

Sorry about that. I will put this away.

Let's skip it.

And let's go to your place.

Okay. Yeah?

Hey.

That kid has showed up late again with a bunch of different women. It's like he's

trying to get catfishing murdered at the same time.

NPR rescheduled, so you're welcome.

Thank you.

Who are you texting? What are you doing?

Robin.

I'm, like, totally locked in.

Yeah.

Cheers. You know, I have wanted

to do this for a very long time.

That was nice.

I can't even tell you. Every girl that I've gone out with lately, I have to

have that awkward, I'm emotionally unavailable conversation.

So this is very nice for a change. Yeah. Yeah. No conversation needed.

Like, just one night only, you know?

I don't know what I'm doing. Music.

I should turn to music. Yeah.

Rock on, baby.

What did you think of the show? I loved it. I can't believe I haven't showered.

Tough to do a concert and not shower and be so... You like it? Yeah.

Wait, isn't this exactly where we were earlier today?

Yeah, I live here.

You live here?

Yeah. Why didn't you tell me that you lived here?

I just generally don't like to, you know, tell people that I'm working with

that I live in this space.

Oh.

No,

every night, my neighbor just...

plays this music.

It's really annoying, actually.

Is it always like this here?

It's not. It's a big party neighborhood?

I don't think there's a party that's cute.

There's like a little bit of a buzz on the block. So you've got to be in here

every night just doing stuff like this?

Never. I really can't dance. It's like my most embarrassing quality.

Oh, please, everyone can dance. No, no, I hate it. Everyone can dance. No. Why

not? What's wrong with dancing? It's so easy. You just have to dance. Live your

truth. Come on.

Do something.

There it is.

I need more. I need more. You're a vision.

I'm embarrassed.

Wow, you're incredible.

Come on.

Yeah. Whip the hair. Whip the hair again. Yeah.

Did you used to grind?

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Yeah, I used to stand against the back of the wall in high school. We used

to do that, too.

I don't know.

I'm not used to muscle.

Slow has merit.

You want to go off the level?

I don't know what that means, but yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I have an underbite. I don't like to expose my underbite. Look, I'll do it

for you because we're comfortable. Okay.

Do girls like this at all?

It's more disruptive.

I'm so sorry.

Let's go on. I'm so sorry. No, honestly, it's hot.

What race are you?

What? I don't want to ask, but I feel like you're a Latina. I'm half Chinese.

Chinese? Yeah.

I'm a men's sister.

You say amen. Yeah, I wanted to say like hallelujah or like what the Chinese

like. I don't want to bow.

Do you remember Mooney's?

Senior year when you said I was your dream girl.

I don't remember that, but it makes sense.

No. I'm like, no?

What are you doing?

Kegeling or making the head?

No.

There's no... Hey,

should I get a condom?

Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry, can we hold it one second?

Yeah, of course. No pressure.

No rush.

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I thought I could do this, but I'm now realizing that I can't.

Oh.

Okay, did I do something?

No. No, you were great. You're great.

You want to talk about it?

Yeah. I mean, I just thought with all of this history between us and me just

getting out of something, that this would be kind of like a perfect rebound

situation.

I mean, I get it. I just got out of something, too.

Yeah.

I'm just not a casual sex girl. I've never even had sex on a first date.

So...

You're kidding, right? I've known you over a decade. It's not really the same

thing. No, I don't do anything like this. I really... It's just this feeling

like I'm doing something that I shouldn't be doing.

Okay. Which I'm not, like, trying to be mean. That's cool. No, I'm going to go

on.

I...

I wish that I could explain it better.

Did I, like, gaslight you or something?

Are you gaslit?

No, I... You don't owe me anything, but when you kind of set up an expectation,

you sent me a nude.

Yeah, no, I... I thought that you kind of saw me differently.

Look, in case I wasn't totally clear, I don't want a relationship.

Nope. I am not asking for one. I feel like you're kind of fucking with my

head. And I'm confused because I just was telling you that I don't have the

emotional bandwidth or the availability.

No, no. You don't need to reject my rejection.

Okay.

Okay.

At least that's clear.

Yeah, that is crystal clear.

Thinking about how I have a cut on my cuticle here.

And I'm thinking, can you get HIV from like having that cut on a finger and

the fingers fingering?

I was just like evaluating the odds.

Whether or not I had AIDS.

How do you even sleep at night with all of those crazy thoughts?

I sleep.

Really well, actually. Really? Eight hours a night. Surprising. Really? You

have the personality of a real insomniac. No. I've created a total

thought process that just works like a charm.

What is it?

Okay, I'll tell you. What?

Yeah, buckle up.

Okay. So I imagine that it's the Holocaust.

Yeah. And that I am in Nazi Germany and I've been on the run for like 18 days.

couldn't be colder it's winter by the way there's snow all over the ground

it's the most stressful thing in the world and i finally arrived at a family

friend's house they bring me up to the attic and we go up to that attic and

it's so warm there's like wood floors

There's a fireplace always to the left, crackling fireplace. And then out the

window, you can see like the amber light and the snow just like falling slowly.

And I don't even have a mattress.

I can hear the hum of the militia and the tanks and the Nazis like barking at

one another. But in that moment, it doesn't even matter because I'm so warm.

I'm so cozy and I'm so tired.

And then I just wake up eight hours later.

Wow.

You get it, right?

Yeah. Today was like the most fun day I've ever had.

I wish you weren't leaving.

Well, the second I do, you know that every single guy in Wisconsin is going

to descend upon you and you're going to have your total pick of the litter and

you're going to make some guy's dreams come true.

It feels late.

It feels late and early at once.

I don't want to be rude, but I have to get up so early tomorrow, and I didn't

know what time it was until just now.

You're asking me to leave.

It's a big thing, and I don't want to fuck it up, and I really have to call it

a night.

It's a big thing. I get it. You're a career. Maybe it's better.

I don't know how late it was. You need to sleep.

I understand. No one empathizes with that situation more than me. I get it.

Yeah.

I have your number.

Oh, no.

Yeah. You said that? I don't even know if that's the comment that turned the

tide. If it was, I was just being complimentary.

Yeah, but you don't need to, like, tell the truth all the time. You could, you

know, just... She was great, I thought.

Okay, well, then don't give up on her. Like, call her from the road or

whatever. Honestly, if you're going to get that thrown by one small comment,

then there's some deeper insecurity, like, underneath, and I'm happy I saw it

sooner than later, so... Dave, you have to forgive people for not being perfect.

Enough about me. What happened with Roy?

I'm realizing that I can't just hook up.

Like, it doesn't have to mean everything, but it can't mean nothing,

if that makes sense.

Makes perfect sense. I get it.

But, you know, I'm just trying to fill the void, I guess.

That is me every single night, especially on tour.

But there's still time.

Yeah.

You know, I've never told you this, but the best thing that you've ever done is

not get back together with me when I tried to.

Why? Because you're America's most eligible bachelor now?

No, because I would have fucked it up between us, and you don't deserve that

at all. We're in such a good place, and I'm so happy to have you in my life, and

anyone who doesn't want you in their lives is a fucking loser.

You deserve everything.

L.D., what's good, bruh?

I got more flavors than Baskin-Robbins, bro. I got them lined up for you. Oh,

classic gator. I'm okay, man.

This guy's out of his mind. You sure? I've been listening to you, bro. I got

all the types you said, bro. I got the neighborhood girl, round-the-blade look,

all that shit you was talking about. Let me just see if he has an understanding

of the type of woman I'm even interested in. Like, I made him watch Wedding

Crashers. It's just good for the rest of the tour that he... I'll be right back.