Original subtitles

Let's take it back. Hey, take it back. Hey. I didn't have a chance. I was

walking with my bag down the street to Harrison Ave. Summer's over, back to

class. Way before I had a sedan.

Hit the bus stop and then glanced at the kids and then bam. I saw Britney for the

first time. I was in a trance. Who the hell was this? New chick I'd never met

with. Friends with girls, but I hadn't really been attracted to nobody yet. But

eighth grade was going crazy. This bitch was so amazing.

Walked up and said, hi, I'm Dave. And then shit changed.

She told me she just moved into town. I knew it, no doubt. I love this girl.

side and out her beautiful smile her hair and her style were driving me wild

we sat together on the bus we sat together every lunch she had me

switching up to polos and ditching yo-yos i went from moving solo dolo to

being so old bsd double std thought about her constantly on kaza burner her

cds because i saw her and she saw me but back then i was gross i do the most for

a joke i show my asshole to girls and i just really wasn't the brand the guy

that would get the girls i had no facial hair just curls and all my friends had

kissed a girl except me and i just wanted to be realistic about I didn't

want to mess the whole thing up. And I just love being around her. So I took

the best friend route. That shit was so fun. I don't care what any of you guys

say. The hottest girl I ever met, tickling my arm, going to the mall with

her, chatting on AOL all night.

We talked about plenty things, everything we could. How her parents

treated her and how she felt misunderstood.

She would tell me shit on name and person that she never could. I talked

her through it. I took a ton of pride up in the fact that I made her feel good.

Started hanging out up in the basement, playing spin the bottle, watching her

turn land on Jason. I closed my eyes until we played the nervous game where I

would place my hand up on her breast over her bra. That was incredible. That

was raw. I jerk off to that all fall. Winter snow days watching television.

Right now, you're making a super low-brow face when you're grabbing her

breath. Opposite energy. It's emotional. This is the love of your life, not some

little slut.

You guys are doing really great. We're just looking for some level of

intention. Guys, please, please. I've got to talk to you for a second.

Play it cool. Cool.

So, like, cooler, right?

Not cool, not cool in that way, but... I know, but the talent pool in

Philadelphia is fucking atrocious. That's what I told you. That's exactly

what I said. You wanted to shoot here. You want to make it real, so... It's my

parents' house where all this shit happens, so I don't... Dave, Dave, Dave.

I need to speak to you because this actually is kind of urgent. Look, here's

the deal.

Eighth grade Dave hasn't logged enough school hours, which means he's going to

get pumpkins, which means I have to pull him for two hours.

Look. can't be in the scene in two more hours. We're already two hours behind. I

understand, I understand, but in order to get all the Daves together for the

Evolution of Man scene, I have to stagger their schooling.

Okay, so he's got to go now. What's the solution? Well, the only thing I think

of is that we have Toddler Dave. He's available to work right now. Wait, copy

that. Toddler Dave. Steph, can you come up to me, please?

In the bottle scene, like, you can't have, like, an eighth grader get thought

up by a toddler.

Can we have the intimacy coordinator over here, please? We need to know if a

toddler can touch our eighth grader's breath. Whoa, whoa, whoa, please. Like,

we're just spitballing. We've got to have a conversation. I mean, you've got

to realize, like, the reason I'm... making this video right now is to engage

a female fan base that I don't even currently have.

Ticket sales on this tour are not going well. Look at my fan base right now.

It's all dudes.

Hi, guys. Good to see you.

And I certainly, like, I love these people, but it's like we're not even

tapping into half the world. So people need to see my sensitivity at some

point. Yeah, and they're not going to see anything if you don't finish the

video today. We leave Philly tomorrow, so figure it out, Dave. I'm working on

it, but, like, I assume my female director has a POV on not wanting the

main character of the video to act like a fucking animal, you know? Guys, you're

both right. We can cut around the face and move on. Cut around the face? Yes.

Emma, good call. Let's move on. Okay, I got to go to playback to understand.

Dave, if we don't move on, we're going to lose the light for the bus stop.

Emma, it's my romantic origin story.

You have to see the love, the heartbreak, all that, you know? If you

didn't know Batman's origin story, he'd be just a guy who, like, beats.

Can I see playback on that? Ready to do a touch on the cum rig?

Not now, John.

Playback, Lonnie? John, John, John, that's for the cumming the pants scene?

Yeah. Why is it a boner?

It's like I was totally soft when I came.

Totally soft? Like, no blood at all? Yeah, exactly. Like, people have seen

scenes where guys cum their pants. This is charming because I came soft.

I mean, I essentially pissed cum.

Maybe I can hold with that little hang saw. I don't need like an indentation. I

used to call my dick a life crouton. I was jerking off the TRL. David, could I

stay for a second, please? Yeah. There's blue tape all over the living room

walls. I never said you could use tape on my walls. Okay, it's designed to come

off. Your house is going to be fine. We just repainted. Those walls are smooth

as lacquer. Okay, it's going to be okay. Did she say lacquer? Huh?

Is there lacquer?

I don't know.

Can I see playback?

That's funny.

Well, it's not supposed to be, so that's a failure. Because I'm serious. It's

like, this sucks. These kids are never going to be able to inhabit my actual

headspace. I wish I could be in this video.

Yeah. Well, it's too bad that no one wants to see a 30-year-old drop an

eighth grader. So, new plan. I totally get it. We're hamstrung to these kids.

So, at this point, it's like, what generation of Dave actually has the most

sensitivity of all our actors? For me, it's that guy, Helen.

Can we get Hellum out here? He at least can be directed.

Who's Hellum?

Hellum. I don't know, young Dave, one of them. Like, Hellum. He had a name tag

that said, I might be pronouncing. He slash him. His pronouns. Andrew's

pronouns. Oh, Andrew's in hair and makeup.

Okay, well, he responds to Hellum, FYI, so he's sensitive to something.

God. Oh, hey, guys, I've been meaning to tell you, you've been hacked.

What the fuck are you talking about? The website on your bus, Dave.com, it goes

to a banking site. No, no, no, that's our sponsor for tour. It's like a

banking app you can request an advance.

Hey, I gotta be in that video or I'll be a yelling jock. Get it, you look 45.

Where's this kid at? Hey, I need you to take on a bigger role than you might

have been expecting to, okay? The key is you gotta play this sweet and sensitive

and... Dude, put me in anything.

I'm literally gonna play so much oxtail when this video comes out, you're

drenching me.

In pussy.

Right.

Roger. Roger, that kid will not work. He's an actual ape. Like, I need

different options. What? Brittany's here.

Which Brittany? Which generation? Brittany, Brittany. The one the video's

about. Brittany Parker?

Right. Yeah. What the fuck? Brittany Parker's here? Oh, invite her in. It's

been years.

She's outside right now? Yeah.

She's out there right now.

How did she even find out I was here? Oh, my God, I didn't text her. Dave, how

did she find out you were here? You are sitting on Harrison Avenue shooting a

music video with your pink tour bus parked outside with your big-ass face on

the side. Yeah, and nobody cares about Brittany Parker. Dave, we need to make

decisions right now. We were talking before. Are we going to have to cut the

spin the bottle scene? No, we're going to run out of time. Then we've got to

figure out which Dave you like because we've got to get in the wardrobe.

Guys, nobody right now should believe in this David because he's so whipped by

this woman, dog.

I'm not whipped anymore. I'm not in eighth grade, okay? There's a crowd of

people outside trying to beat me. Are you crying? I'm whipable, so stop

putting me in that fucking... The girl that broke his heart? Hey, is that the

one this video about, bro? She broke your heart? Bro!

Broke his heart. Broke him in half, dog. This nigga's so weird.

I gotta figure out what to do with this guy. Look at him. Look at him.

His dick looks green or something. You just let him go or how? No, no. Don't

let him go. Don't make any decisions. I need one minute to talk to him. Shut the

fuck up. Leave him outside, bro.

Damn, dude.

Hi. Hey.

One of my oldest friends is so overdramatic.

You know, she's with me. We're good. Thank you. Hey, I'm just doing my job,

baby. Jesus Christ. Am I allowed to see you now, Mr. Hollywood?

Oh, yeah. I'm not being Hollywood at all. I have no idea that you're

Hollywood. You're not? No, I'm not. This is my day off. I don't want to spend it

in line like a fucking groupie. Totally understood. Like, my phone wasn't on me,

and I'm really busy in there. Listen, I'm just giving you shit.

Relax.

Come here.

Hi,

boobie. Hey, boobie. How you doing? But seriously, why didn't you tell me you

were in town?

Because I knew that this music video would take up every single minute of my

time and I just didn't want to have like a false expectation.

Whatever. What is this video even about?

Uh, like a period piece. First and foremost.

2004, Young Love. My perspective on Young Love. Stop.

What? 04.

Yeah?

Is that us?

Yeah. But I should probably get back inside because this whole fucking video

is going haywire right now. I should probably go back inside. It's going

haywire right now.

If the video's about us, where's my cameo?

Well, it's like, kid.

But... Yeah!

You want to be in it?

Fuck yeah! You want to work on your off day, sweetheart?

Let's go, I'll put you in the video, that's easy.

Hey, we got a whole new plan, okay?

High school next year, this a problem.

Sophomores, juniors, seniors, everybody saw her. I remember browsing Blockbuster

with her when the senior cocksucker told her she looked beautiful, she blushed,

she was popular. I just stood at the side and waited. Obviously, they started

dating. Harrison Adams wasn't the same without her. The bus stopped. He drove

her to school in a car with rims and real big, big hated this guy.

I hated their vibe. I hated his face. Dave, it's fine. Just keep going. But it

never seemed to happen. She was too attached and he left her. Okay, back to

play again with that writer's ship.

Here's where the senior with the cool car is going to be. Okay, I need all of

this cleared. Cut on rehearsal.

Yeah, boobie, you are a natural at this. You're awesome.

Well, you remembered everything.

I did. God, you were like obsessed.

Little Dicky, I am such a huge fan. Stop.

Thank you. You know he has a purple dick, right?

I don't have a purple dick.

Hey, do we have a video now, or do we have a video now that Uncle Dave's in

front of the camera? Am I R.W.? I knew it was right to put her in the video.

Now I can be in it. She's amazing. This is great. What's amazing is how she

bullied you into being a star in the video.

That's not at all what happened. I'm actually just like placating her to get

exactly what we need. Where is playback? Don't worry about it. Keep doing what

you're doing, because it's way better with you in it. You guys have great

chemistry. Yeah.

You know, we have just like a racially backed term, so keep that in mind. Okay,

show me the next shot that you're setting up. Okay, way ahead of you. Can

I get ACAM to frame up, please?

So I thought it would be good to come in on Brittany's perspective.

Brittany's perspective? Never from her perspective. No, it's like... Well, the

way I see it is if you see it from her... Okay, wait. What if we came down

from my feet and it goes up like the classic hero shot, okay?

And then when that guy, she starts dating the older dude with the car

comes, it's like we flip it and make it underdog mode.

Where is, like, the guy?

Standby, one second.

Yeah, pull up in that car right now.

That's him? Yeah, that's him. Okay. I'm just going to give him a few notes.

No, no, where are you going? Where are you going? We got to keep shooting,

guys. Let's go.

Hey, man.

So here's the back story. I'm in love with this girl.

You're the older guy who starts dating her.

You said there was something on the props truck that I had to look at,

right? So I will be right back and we'll think, yeah.

Who the fuck is that guy? That's the guy you cast to play Mac.

Brittany's older lover.

I didn't cast that guy. It's a seven-foot man.

You picked him. Yeah, yeah, we cast him. I didn't know he was a Jolly Green

Giant. I just, we, he just, sorry.

It's a legit seven-footer. I don't understand.

Auditioning with chest up. You gotta... The islands are gonna be all over the

place. It's gonna look weird as fuck. Yeah, no shit. Okay, okay, I tell you

what, we could put him in like a green screen suit. A green screen suit? What's

that gonna do? I don't even make him disappear or like turn into a fucking

alien. I need a human being to play this girl. Well, we gotta shoot him. Upgrade

an extra maybe? Like, I don't know, like that fucking piece of shit. kid with the

hair like he looks oh yeah he looks like a piece of shit he's perfect we gotta

keep the guy with the the hat please and then you can release our mat go ahead

and release don't release don't release like a funny visual i'll have you sneeze

through something bending over i thought you didn't want the video to be funny

and i can have moments of comedy question should we release the young

dave and britney's now at this point or do you want to Are you serious? Release

the young Dave? What about the Evolution of Man scene where we need every single

young Dave? How am I telling you this? Are we getting a crane for that scene?

Okay, we couldn't fit the crane in the parking lot. They would need a crane to

bring in the other cranes, so we couldn't afford it. Tell Lonnie that I

need playback ready at all times. Now that I'm in the video, I can't see

what's being shot. Or you could just trust me. Jew! Don't do that. Coffee for

Jew!

Jew!

Coffee for Jew!

There you go, Jew.

Damn!

Thank you. Get ready to shoot.

Hi. Hi.

I'm sorry.

Why are we showing Matt picking up? What is that up?

It is. It's just about context and really getting the full scope. All

right, everybody. Can I have background back to one? And we're going to roll

camera.

Car should arrive at Cocksucker, the Lyric Cocksucker. Can you do me a favor

and cue the car at Cocksucker, please? It should arrive on Cocksucker. Can I

have a last look at my hair?

Emma, how does my hair look in frame right now? We're on your feet.

Right.

Stop reading these.

Dear Boobie Boobwa, going to the mall won't be the same without you, but Mr.

Tobayashi sends his best. Mr.

Tobayashi, do you still have him?

I don't know, but hang on. I'm just, like, DMing Iverson.

Can you look for Mr. Tobayashi, please?

Yeah, yes, yes.

Mom, where's Tobayashi kept?

Uh, oh, probably in the closet, I think.

Oh, where are you, Tobayashi?

Oh, I found him.

He was eating his chips. There he is. There he goes, Tobayashi.

I cannot believe you kept all this stuff.

Yeah. I mean, this period of time had a profound impact on me.

But we evolve, you know?

Did I tell you that I was dating Doja Cat for a little while?

Which one is Doja Cat?

Doja Cat, like, she's made of milk. She's, like, a huge global pop star.

It started off really hot and heavy. It's so hard to maintain that level of

heat, you know? Like, she's always doing her thing. I'm always doing mine.

Lifestyles don't always, one sec, like, allow for that type of thing. When

you're dating someone in the industry, it's, like, not always.

What's up, Steph? Your mom is in the bathroom, and she's not coming out.

What do you mean she's not coming out? She's in the scene. She's got to come

out. Can you get her?

What? No, I don't feel comfortable going into the bathroom. It's her house.

Okay, one sec, Ruby.

Hi, Mr. Tobayashi.

What's going on?

Dave, Dave, I just got off the phone with Macaroni Grill. We've got to be out

of there by 8 p.m. because they have to open up the kitchen.

What? They said midnight. I know. Well, what are you going to do? Did you tell

them it was me?

Yeah. They did not know who you were, so... Okay. So you're saying I'm still

an underdog in my own... No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is we

need to finish this up. Dave, where are you going?

We're underdogs. That's cool. That's cool. I like being an underdog. I'm

getting my mom.

Hurry the fuck up. Okay.

Mom. Oh, Carol.

Oh, Carol.

Carol.

Whoa, what is going on in here right now? Your mother ate her hearing aids.

She ate her hearing aid? Yeah, she took them out. She put them on a table for

some reason. To get relief from all the noise. And I had some kettle form that I

got from... Daddy just opened up and put them all over the table.

Look, this is a several thousand dollar problem. Insurance is not going to cover

it. Can you vomit out your hearing aids after we shoot this one scene, please?

David, there's still tape all over the walls. We just repainted.

Okay, I'll tell them to just hurry the fuck up, Mom.

I can't believe we are recreating this moment right now.

Insane. It is insane. I agree.

So, um, when are we going to have time to actually hang out?

Uh, like beyond what we're doing?

I don't know that I will, just because, like, we're going to wrap late, and then

I have to go on tour tomorrow, and my parents I need to see.

This is a stupid idea, you know?

Actually kind of insane to want to carve out time with one of my oldest friends.

Okay, fine.

I will figure out some way after wrap to, like, stay up all night. Did you

just say fine? I don't want to be a fine. I don't want to be a surrender.

No, no surrender at all. I'm excited. Let's hang out, because I'd love to chit

-chat about a few things and catch up. I would like that. Me too.

Cool. Cool.

You guys good to give it a shot? Yeah. Let's do it.

Perfect. Go ahead and lock it up.

I'll be a villain. Okay, roll camera.

Camera set.

Set. Do it right.

And action.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God. Yeah, too much, I think, right?

Damn it. It doesn't look that bad.

Wow.

What do you want?

Mom, get out!

He just told me to come in. I couldn't really hear him. I'm in the scene, Mom.

Just read the fucking script.

Get out!

Okay.

Okay, way too much cum. Cut, cut, cut. What are you doing? Are you cumming? You

said pissing cum. This is way too much cum. I'm not a fucking yak.

You said pissing cum. I'm trying to get, like, a female demographic out of this.

That is pissing cum right there. It's supposed to be highbrow and poetic.

Like, no one's ever cummed soft.

That's why we're doing it.

Not this. You didn't tell me that.

I don't know what you imagined.

Like, how could you have imagined that?

That's not fair. I mean, I worked on this for a long time. It's too much.

Whatever it is, way too much. I've got to look at playback and see if it's even

usable. That's all over my floor. Where's playback? I've got to watch

that. David, don't get that on my couch.

next scene it looked like bad on camera then it probably felt in the moment i

have to watch playback because it felt horrible why can't you just trust me

emma i obviously value your opinion i really do and i'm trying to make this

our thing but it's still a little diggy video at the end of the day and it's got

to be my thing it's my life story i'm sorry stop guilting me for looking at

the footage hey hey we gotta watch that talk no we know i'm having an issue here

what hey listen um i used to make furniture okay truly beautiful furniture

Okay. It was my purpose in life. It was my joy. I was really good at it. I did

Pat Croce's entire living room. What are we talking about right now? The business

group. So did the pressure.

To relieve that pressure, I started to huff.

Huff, huff, huff, huff, huff.

Oh. Yeah.

Shellac, lacquer. I got addicted.

Oh. Okay.

Huff. Create.

Huff some more. Yeah. You know. I smoke weed when I rap. Yeah. As you as your

family? I did. Okay. No, sorry. No apologies.

From you, please.

Okay. Okay.

I love my family. I love the store. And look, these floors, they've recently

been redone.

Fumigation. It's getting bad.

So if I stay here, all right?

At the end of the night, I'm in a dumpster behind a frame store digging to

get that. You can sleep over.

I mean, it's probably bad to sleep over, but, like, you don't have to go to the

frame store. I'll pin you to the metal. I think you're great.

I'm sorry. I've got to go. No, because if you go, I won't be able to even watch

the footage, and I have no idea what's going on. No, please don't go, Lonnie.

Please don't go.

Hi. Yo, would you want to play?

No. No, I would not. Okay.

Boobie, we're going to go that one more time, okay?

Now she's with this older guy. I didn't see it coming.

I strategized my hallway walk so I could see her stuff. The only class we had

together, Spanish, what the fuck. I was Carlos, she was Mia. Why did they make

us choose Spanish names, by the way? Isn't that... Insane? Yeah. I digress.

Of course he cheated on her. She would call me so depressed, but she kept going

back. Map question, printing out directions. I designated drive to his

parties. That shit was so, I was soft. I was pussy. I was weak. I was lame. But

whatever, I'm in ninth grade. What the hell could I say? But one time I stayed

home, his party got busted by the po-po. It made me so, so, so, so, so, so, so

happy. He got grounded in the dancers this week. I never went to those, but

now she could just stay home with me. Well, I did not go to them, okay,

because I was scared of getting boners on the dance floor the whole time. thing

was overwhelming it was just a bizarre social situation i didn't drink everyone

did whatever back to the story i was excited to just show her her return to

our glory then she like dave wait we should go to the dance together just be

my date i'm like what she like yeah i'm like oh i came and came out brain just

said yes popularity wise this is a jet pack and i miss my friend and obviously

i was fully in love with her so i said okay no problem i got my suit with my

mama then we all met up at a fella's house to take a few pics 15 girls, 15

guys, parents filming this shit. I pull up with my mama.

Oh, my God, there's a problem. The fucking guy isn't grounded. He's really

there with his arm around her. I couldn't believe it. She said that he

showed up and surprised her. And then, of course, somebody's like, we got to

take a wide pick. 33 people, only one had no date. My mama asking me why, but

I felt way too ashamed, so I just lied. I told her that I knew this was

happening and that everything was good, and I could not abandon that, so I went

with them. In the limo, in the dinner, macaroni grill. I'm the 33rd wheel. Is

this real? But it got worse. Right before the bill, a bunch of waiters and

waitresses. bring a cake to my table they're all singing happy birthday to me

what happy birthday to me not my birthday and of course this fucking

restaurant has this custom where you gotta stand up on a table and wave a

fucking napkin while everyone stares i saw the older guys laugh so i just

played into it i'm on this table dancing embarrassed but no one knew it except

britney did and she had been drinking shit the water bottle full of liquor

lowered in my confidence britney where are you cut

Dave, don't fall cut. We've been leaving it for two minutes. No, no, no. Let me

reset. We gotta shoot now, man.

We have no video now, Dave. We've got 90 seconds until they pull that plug,

literally. Okay, well then, bring everyone outside for the Evolution of

Manson. Dave, we don't have permits to shoot outside.

Roger, this is Philly.

Nobody gives a fuck about permits.

Okay, everybody, we're moving outside.

We're almost finished. Please don't go right now.

That's the end of your fucking video?

I'm not going to let you make me into a villain, Dave. Are you actually

surprised by the contents of this video? Like, I'm just showing what happened

that night.

Cool, you're just going to do the exact same thing you always do to me. Great. I

should have known that this was where it was going to go.

What are you talking about?

You're used to owning me and controlling me and manipulating me and having me do

your bidding, and it's just not that way anymore. I'm manipulative?

Yeah.

I came here today to hang out with my friend and all of a sudden I'm in a

video where you're making me look like an asshole. If you feel like an asshole

by watching what went down in there again, I don't know what to tell you.

That's just like what occurred.

You know what I think?

What you're actually feeling is the fact that I've moved on from you.

Boobie, we just spent a whole day shooting a video about me.

It's closure. It's closure. You're clearly not over it. And you left out

the biggest fucking detail.

What? That we dated for a month after that. One month, Brittany.

You gave me one month.

Five years of being your absolute best friend. And then what happened? You

broke my heart so quickly for another piece of shit older guy. So forgive me

for not including that second ending in this video, okay? It fucking killed me.

And it really is probably exactly why I am today the way that I am today. This

fucking relationship.

Well, yeah.

It's life, Dave. I don't know what to tell you. I was 16 years old. It was

depressing for me, too.

I had family problems.

I was fucking cutting myself.

That sucks.

I obviously did not know that.

I'm just trying to tell my story.

Great. Tell your story.

That's fine. But I'm not going to tell it because it's not mine, and I'm not

going to be a prop in your...

female demographic video.

Where are you going?

That's my boyfriend, Dave.

We've been dating for three months, but how would you know that, right? Because

it's not as interesting as dating Doja Cat.

Does he have a pink, thick dick?

I really loved you.

It doesn't seem to matter to you at all.

It always will matter.

Dave. Dave.

There's no time.

Yeah. We're done. I mean, maybe one set up.

Tell me what you want to do.

Do we have any Britneys still here?

Yes, actually. One, the wardrobe lady's daughter. Which generation is that? I

don't know.

It doesn't even matter. Get her camera ready.

I just need like five minutes to sit and think about the ending of this video.

Yeah. Because I have an evolution.

Copy that. Okay.

I have an idea to get it pretty fast in like one take.

Do you want to see it?

Do what you see.

I really do trust you.

Okay.

Let's go.

Roger? Yes.

Okay. We got one take.

Action.

I told her everything on my mind. I told her everything.

Every single song that made me think about her every day.

Everybody said that we're just kids, but that never changed the fact that to this

kid you were is everything.

The next part I will never forget.

She walked right up to me slowly and then she gave me a kiss.

First kiss.

Oh, no way. No.

Oh my God.

Then she said, I love you too.

I didn't believe her at first. I thought she was drunk.

But then the next day she was singing the same song.

She ran over to my crib and was all over me. We started kissing, touching,

blushing, gushing. There was no huffing yet. Not then, but I would settle for

love. Got my first hand job in the park. Really came out the mud. I couldn't

believe it. It was a dream. I planted my seed on Harrison Avenue yet again. I

really did it, huh? And then all of a sudden it was done. Just a month long.

And then she moved on. I never knew someone could make you feel so right and

so wrong. So good and so bad.

Either way, I had what I had. And it showed me I was who I was.

And that I was worthy of love.