Original subtitles

I'll change so fast.

No, brah. Same time.

It's 1044, dude. Okay, we got this. I am not letting you miss your last NYC be

easy, bitch.

Great job. Great job.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Okay, come on, assistant. Come on. We don't got time.

Come on.

Ma'am, children are dying.

They're starving. They're still hungry.

You need to feed them! From the moment they're born, they're dying!

This isn't the end!

Get us!

What?

Four and three and two and one.

I can't believe the bodega

with the best bacon egg and cheese is literally gone.

Okay, it's okay. We're going to get one right now and forget that ever happened

when we're taking painful bacon-egg-and-cheese shits later, okay?

I can't wait.

You're listening to Hot 97.

Ugh, the sign.

Let's lay on the charm.

Oh my goodness.

How much on the menu that looks delicious.

Yeah. What do we get?

You know, I know it's late, but I really would like some breakfast food.

Hey, hunky boy. Hi.

Hi.

Can we get two bacon, egg, and cheese?

Nope. No eggs after 11.

You know what? This is this angel's final.

breakfast in New York City before she goes and rebuilds homes for Christian

tsunami victims. Okay, that's not true. And you are going to deny her that? You

are going to deny her this make-a-wish?

Or shame?

Shame!

Shame!

Shame!

Yeah.

I'm just going to leave some money.

That was... That was inappropriate.

I feel better. Let's go.

This is going to be... We got this.

We got this.

Jesus Christ.

No.

No, we're not doing this.

I can't believe we couldn't find you one last bacon, onion, and cheese before you

go.

I've failed you. No, you didn't, dude.

And also, maybe I, like, can buy the ingredients so you can FaceTime while I

make it in Boulder.

Oh, God.

It's not the bacon-naked cheese. It's just... Oh, God! Where the fuck would

you go to Boulder?

I mean, well, mainly for the residency program. Yeah, yeah, residency, but...

But what the fuck is the culture there? Rocks? Where could you possibly find in

Boulder? What does Colorado have to offer that New York City doesn't? Well,

for one, recreational weed.

Oh.

Right. Yeah, but you're going to come so soon.

Oh, my God. I told you you can come whenever you want. No, look.

It is. It is.

New York City, you've done it again.

Abby, this is a wooshy toilet.

Don't you see?

We thought we were on some classic Abby and Alana New York City journey today.

We thought it was for the bacon and cheese.

Yeah. When, in fact, this was our mission all along.

That's exactly the new mission now.

This toilet.

We're going to bring it back to my house.

Are you sure?

Abby, this is a woonchi.

It's an intelligent toilet with a UV light that breaks down the germs of

fecal matter in the bowl.

It has a heated seat and warm water that sprays up your ass after you take a

dump, just like a bidet.

God, every time you are sprayed, you are reborn.

Okay, Alana, this is someone else's. This is gross.

Just don't touch it so much. Abby, this was our tiny little... permission for

the day. Come on, it's a $10,000 toilet. Wow. I need this.

Yeah. Okay, yeah. Let's, you know what? Let's take the toilet home. You won't

regret it, mister.

I'll get a cab. Okay.

Yeah. Hey, yes.

Okay. I'll do this. Like, like.

Okay. Jesus.

Uber's surging 60 times the normal rate. Okay, I'll just call a solicitor.

My rating is very low.

Probably from the pee incident.

Again, sorry about that. Totally fine.

All right. How are we going to get this toilet back to Brooklyn?

That's right.

Kids are suckers, man.

Seventy bucks for an old skateboard?

Too easy.

I can't believe we never walked across the Brooklyn Bridge together.

Yeah, it's kind of nuts that we've managed to do it individually.

I mean, we're almost always together.

I don't know. I'm really proud of you, dude.

I mean, obviously, for going back to school, become the most badass therapist

New York City has ever seen. But also for the phone waves, dude. I mean, I

really feel like you have something there. Like, that is legs, you know?

We have so many dope ideas. We have to make sure we keep up the brainstorming

sessions going.

It's really important.

I mean, I strongly, strongly believe in the joint gynecologist slash waxing

slash laser hair removal thing. Oh, yeah. It's like a one-stop shop.

Come on, that's genius.

I mean, I still also believe in the Dorito dust.

I mean, I'm just eating the chip for the dust. Exactly. And it's just like cut

out the middleman and get me a vial straight of that dust for spicing or for

swigging. I just found out, dude, that Doritos are tortilla chips.

Wild. I mean, no one talks about that. No.

Abby,

I've been thinking a lot about this whole end of the world thing. If the

apocalypse happens, we're not going to be in the same city.

Shit. If we're not in the same city, how are we supposed to find each other?

Once the electricity goes down, all the banks are going to be halved and

drained. That's exactly what is going to happen.

You know what? First thing you do when you get to Boulder, you go to the bank.

You take out a shit ton of cash. I'm talking half your savings, okay? You go

back to your dorm. You find a loose floorboard.

You pry it open and you stuff the cash in there. You create a hidden nook.

Shit's going to be nuts.

I love hidden nooks. I'm on it. I read this article.

Well, have mine.

That said, that only four days after it all goes dark, New Yorkers are going to

start killing each other. We've got to get out of the cities and have cash on

hand. Yeah, we're also going to need those straws that allow you to drink

your own pee.

Ooh. We're going to need to get that gel that marathoners use for, like, energy

and shit.

Oh, we're also going to need to get those pants that zip and become short so

you have both. You're going to have to stock up on your contact lenses, but I

really, really think you should consider doing LASIK for real. Good call. Good

call. Okay, where should we plan to meet up? All right, why don't I pull up a

map?

Hold on.

All right, well, it looks like St. Louis is right in the middle. I mean, we could

meet right in the middle of the arch.

This is so funny.

Colorado is where I thought Montana was.

You're going to be actually where I thought Oklahoma was.

That's cool. Mormons are dope.

Well, I think Utah is actually a Mormon area.

Oh, right, right, right.

Momo's still dope, though. Yeah.

Okay, Abby, promise me when you get to Colorado, you're also going to get a

bike. Because that's why everybody's going to be killing each other for the

gas.

Bikes are the OG best friends of people.

Okay, I'll get a bike.

Hey, let's stop over here for a second.

Should we ride something?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So should we, uh, should we jump?

Yeah.

No, seriously, show a job.

We can't. We have our big dinner date tonight.

You said the reservations were, like, really hard to get. True. We gotta go.

Alana, I'm really scared.

I'm, like, I'm moving across the country, and, like...

Changing my whole life?

I mean, I'm not going to know anybody.

I'm really scared of the change, too.

But we're both going to be better for it.

You really think so?

I know it.

I know it.

You know, Alana, me and you, it's still going to be us.

No matter what.

That's never going to change.

Even if we're in different cities, that's never going to change.

It is going to change.

But it's still going to be the most beautiful,

deep, real, cool

and hot, meaningful, important relationship of my life.

Me too.

I've never felt so cool.

I've never felt so cool.

Really. Not as cool as when I'm with you.

Me neither.

Abby, I don't think I can go to this dinner tonight.

I just, I can't say goodbye again.

You know, this is, this is too perfect.

Wait, Elena, no. We were going to splurge and get like the whole bottle of

wine. I know, but I can't do it. I'm really sorry.

You know what? You take the Woonji.

You'll be the envy of your whole dorm.

It's not a dorm.

Thank God you picked up. I fell asleep.

I was sunbathing nude on the roof again.

You were?

Yeah. Anyway, the door locked behind me. Can you come up and bring my kimono? I'm

extremely sunburned.

Everywhere.

All right, Bevers, you know, cover yourself up. I don't want to see your

sunburned penis.

Open your eyes.

No. It's kosher, Duke. Open them up.

Surprise!

God, come on. My girl's got to have a proper royal queen send-off.

And sorry about the bridge before. I was very much processing this all at once,

but then I'll try to leave to set this up.

Well, this is the cutest thing I have ever seen, but I have to change. Yeah,

of course. Guys!

Yeah, I'm really happy to see you. Oh, I got you something.

They're free weights.

Thank you so much. I'll try to put them in my carry-on. Cool.

You all right?

Yeah, I got it. Okay. I've always said Abby and incremental free weights match

made in heaven. Yeah.

You're really special to me, Abby.

You're really special to me, too.

Well, then I guess it's now or never.

Abby. Gary, Anna, Abram.

Will you marry me?

Oh.

Oh, Trey.

Don't you care?

No. Right?

Right. Yeah, no.

Yeah, no.

You know what? It was a big swing. No, no, no. I just figured this is my last

chance, you know? So, it's cool.

Maria, cut the video, okay? Delete it. She said no.

Okay, well, I should probably go.

because you said no to my proposal, but promise me you'll eat for your blood

type, okay?

Okay, done.

Here you go.

All right, thank you so much. All right, please take it. Enough time to show off

your rock hard tits and your Adonis ass. It's time to leave and exit, dog. Okay,

I was just saying goodbye, and I took up work for this.

You did? That sucks.

You know what else sucks? When your best friend moves away and everybody's out

for FaceTime for her. Get out of here.

But maybe we'll be friends. I don't have any lies.

You cordially stole it.

I'm going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you too, Link.

How's Alana doing? I haven't talked to her yet.

Yeah, Alana is a... You know what? Alana's going to be

great. I'll check it.

Okay. All right.

I'll catch up.

Enough. Get out of here. Go, go.

What are you, Abby's friend?

Hey. Hi.

Thank you for inviting me. Yeah, you're welcome.

You're Abby's friend too, you know? Yeah.

We're no longer dating, right? And we're going to keep growing our real yet

platonic friendship.

And that means honesty.

So I'm going to be honest with you.

You've got to get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, time to go. Yep.

I heard about grad school. Jaime told me. I wanted to congratulate you.

Yeah, you're a good guy. We all know it. Go.

Party's over, bitch.

I know it's scary, you know, moving away.

But it's good to remind ourselves of the other places besides New York City.

Beautiful places.

And New Jersey.

It's going to be great.

Yeah. Stop.

Okay. Jesus. Hi.

Who are all these people?

Um, there are people from your building. I just needed to fill the party out.

Nice. Can't wait for brunch next weekend. Jersey City is pretty damn lit.

Mm-hmm. Yes, it is.

Go now, though.

What?

To... To leave. To exit and leave. Good to see you, boy.

Love ya!

Hi,

guys. Thank you so much for coming. You can leave. Come on. Go.

Okay. So the exit is that way. Yay!

Okay,

I'm almost here. I'm almost here. Now we can connect. Right.

Well, I'm going to stay at my own place tonight.

I'm going to give you two broads some privacy.

And I have a present for you.

You didn't have to get me anything.

Oh, well, it's just... So you can store your cheese in here.

Everyone will know whose cheese it is and they won't be able to take it from

you anymore.

I love

it. It's perfect.

And we'll see each other again.

Yeah. All right.

Brunch with Felix tomorrow at 2.

And then a movie. My choice. Clear your schedule, bitch.

Thanks for the party.

My pleasure.

Ready?

Disney. Go.

Euro-loving Aryan nation preteen porn.

Walt Disney was, like, jizzing, basically, for rich Euros and feudal

lords. And Mickey Mouse was supposed to represent a dirty little Jew.

Straight up. He was, like, on the ship, you know what I mean? He was, like,

plottin' and seemin' a dirty little Jew, which I love to plottin' games. I'm

like, you got me, Walt.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Who do I want? Who do I

want? I know.

Ready? From inside the mouth.

Oh,

the Kennedys. Ooh, thank you. The Kennedys. Obviously, first of all, sex

addicts. Second of all, they killed Marilyn Monroe.

Wait, hold on. I thought Marilyn Monroe died of a drug overdose.

The government killed her because she knew too much. Like, she just knew stuff

about... Yeah, she knew about their bodies. She knew about their policies.

Like, where did you hear that? I will double check, but it's widely known.

It's widely known.

Right.

Well, these are going to come in handy for when I'm lonely.

Okay, another one.

The post office.

Okay, so the way that the post office controls women is...

I'm sorry, dude.

We sang about a million times. I didn't know how to do this one.

Yeah, but I got you something.

It's a go bag.

The apocalypse will happen, and I will meet you at St.

Louis.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of you, too. Dude, really, you are, like, the smartest person I

know.

Really?

Yeah, are you kidding me? I'm, like, the only person you know.

For real, though, Alana, you, like, you're going to kill it. I'm so excited

for everything for you.

You've got so much, so much inside of you.

You have so much to give.

so much all wrapped up and you're just letting it unroll i mean i don't even

feel like i was like alive before i met you you like taught me taught me how to

do it dude we're alive until now this is really brave and it's

the right thing i wouldn't have been able to do it with you come on you dumb

broads this is

You're so beautiful from the inside out. No, dude, you are.

Really.

Okay, go.

Go, go, go, go, go.

You got this.

You got this.

Dude.

Insane. Walking in?

Disgusting. Well, thank you for keeping me up to date on all of New York's most

current events. Yeah.

How have you been?

Well, since last night, I went to sleep, and then I woke up, and then I went to

the coffee shop, my coffee shop. Cool, cool.

I also went to sleep and woke up, so we are on the same schedule.

Ew, you know what happened to me today? I bump into this girl, and I was like,

sorry, and she was like, you're fine.

Ew, you're fine?

Fuck her.

Right? I'm like, I know I'm fine, at least.

Just say, it's okay. I mean, that's not even part of my vocabulary. You have to

be, like, trained for that to be a response.

That's right. Don't tell me my value, because you know what? I'm actually

fine.

Oh, you fine, baby. You too.

All right, listen, I gotta go.

I'll call you when I leave the studio, okay?

Ooh, the studio.

Okay. Love you, baby. All right, love you too.

I don't know.

I think one of them played for the Knicks.

Wow. Did you just make change with a homeless guy? First of all, it's a man

without a home. Second, we gonna act like he ain't got no small bills?

Information inside your brain is just vast.

Vast, and then also there's nothing. Yeah, but good nothing. You're, like,

just smart.

You know what I mean? Am I, though?

Yes. You're so smart. I wouldn't say it like, you know, reading and writing,

but...