Original subtitles

Dude, I have always wanted to do this.

Like, heart and soul and watch us go apart.

Speaking of hearts and souls, you know the triangle short waist factor over

there? Okay, in 1911, 146 immigrants, mostly women, of course, were working in

the factory inside.

A fire began.

They were trapped.

They were locked in. If they weren't incinerated alive, they jumped out of

the windows, plummeting to their deaths.

Sucks.

Okay, cool. What's next on the list?

Woo! Yeah.

Where to next?

Let's go!

What an exquisite park.

It really is.

Made only more exquisite if the Central Park Five hadn't been wrongfully accused

of rape and thrown in jail for their entire young adult lives for no other

reason than being black and brown boys.

Ugh, the 80s when wrongful conviction was still a novelty.

L-O, fully L.

Come on.

Okay.

Yikes.

Well, well, well.

14 West 10th Street.

Oh, my God, dude, Mark Twain lived here. I read, um,

like a bunch of his stuff.

The Historic Landmark.

Also known as the House of Hearts. Because in 1987, this lawyer, Joel

Steinberg, and his girlfriend, Hedda Nussbaum, adopted a girl and beat her

into a coma and blamed it on freebasing too much coke.

Yeah, right. And get this. They both roam free today. Steinberg lives in

Harlem with a garden.

A garden! The fucking nurse!

New York, New York, it's a hell of a town, right?

Come on, we've got a ferry to catch.

Man, I'm really going to miss that skyline.

Picks my breath away, you know?

It's nuts, but the whole damn thing is really just one giant burial ground.

It's like beauty, beauty, beauty, bodies, bodies, bodies.

Swindled by the Native Americans for just $24.

Same prices as breakfast.

Only in New York.

Four and three and two and one.

Hey.

Hey.

Yeah, so this is nuts, right? I mean, it's finally starting to sink in.

One week left, dude.

Yeah. One week left.

God, I want to... Your nose is bleeding.

Oh, my God. I didn't even feel it. You okay?

Woo! Oh, yeah. No, I'm fine. You sure? Yeah, yeah. Okay, let's sell your shit!

It's not like a dorm dorm. It's like a building for grad students and artists

and residents.

Take a break? Yeah.

Legs, legs, legs, legs.

Ugh. Okay, since we only have one week left, I have planned a surprise.

Okay. No, please tell me it's not tickets to the musical about Jimmy

Fallon's childhood.

Born to giggle?

No, Alana.

We are going to see Lil Wayne.

Yes!

Oh, my God!

What a sweet, goddess-like gesture.

taking supplements?

No, why do you ask?

So, Alana, one more thing. This is big and kind of scary, but so fun.

Okay, so I'm bringing a friend with us tonight, and her name is Molly.

Okay, break.

I just have been under the impression that we were going to wait until we were

in separate states to make new friends.

No, dude, Molly, like MDMA.

Who are you, Molly Dang Cyrus?

You've never done Molly?

No, I know, and I've only done it the one time where I stole the van.

One week before you move.

1,972 miles away, I finally get to meet perfect Abby.

You must have looked that up, huh?

Legs. Legs.

Legs.

You got it? Yeah. Get me over there.

Legs. Legs. Legs.

Damn,

we carried that. Yes. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's not trash.

You can't take it. I will not be bullied.

It's trash day.

Do you believe he thought this was trash?

Okay,

the tickets for tonight were a little bit expensive, so we got to sell. Yeah,

yeah. Well, this couch is going to be an easy sell. Look at her.

But, Dom, Danielle, we have some freaking memories on this thing. Yeah.

First time we split those two whole pizzas. Oh, my God, in the hurricane.

First time I made out with Beversley.

What?

Beversley. Do you know Beversley? Oh, she's, like, weird and, like, quirky and

queer and fluid and, you know, just, like, mixed race. And I saw her on the

street, and I brought her back up and made out with her on the couch.

Beversley. You know, I know that we just carried the couch down three flights of

stairs. Yeah. But I kind of want to keep it now that... We're looking at it and

talking about it. Alana, you should keep it, dude. That would make me feel

better. It would help.

Okay, so we'll just leave it here for now, and we'll figure out how to get it

back to your place before the concert.

That'll be a problem for later on. Yeah, they'll figure it out.

Sir, this is pre-fall 2010 CB2 resort collection.

Have a nice day.

You are seriously good at this.

We were just carrying the couch down three flights of stairs, and I was

thinking, imagine if these cushions could talk.

They would talk about lost coins or hot farts or

people who've unexpectedly made out after one of them opened up his

relationship. We weren't supposed to talk about that.

Shut up! Shut up!

What are you guys giggling about?

Nothing.

No.

compressor crusher thing. Our couch is going to be killed.

No, no. The compactor only works when the truck is static. The dudes will have

to come out to grab cans and we'll connect with them then. Are you like in

your element up here?

There was a moment in time where trash was very comforting to me.

Well, I'm glad you're comfortable.

We'll just wait here until it stops and then we are on our way.

That's what garbage trucks do. They stop every half a block and hold up traffic

and then you're stuck in a cab on 10th Street and you end up peeing in a

slurping cup and paying double the fare.

Sometimes. Some people do.

But actually the stops are totally dependent on districts.

It's all zoned out by zip codes. It's like, it's pretty organized.

It's pretty awesome.

Are you a garbage pail kid? Tell me.

Or I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

Wait,

hold on.

What?

That is insane. What do you mean cornflakes were meant to curb

masturbation? I mean exactly what I said, Ms. Abrams.

Dr. Kellogg of the Kellogg's Serial Empire was a bizarre white man who was

aggressively anti-sex and feared that bold flavors would make people horny, so

he invented cornflakes to stop people from getting it on. I always want

frosted mini-wheats, so I start there.

Ding, ding, dog.

That's fucking Kellogg. Huh.

Oh, my God, this truck stopped.

What do you think you're doing?

Nothing, nothing.

Hello, gentlemen.

This is actually my couch, and we are just taking it back.

Once we collect the trash, it's city property. But, um, it's just that, um,

I just wanted to keep it because Abby's moving next week, and

they're best friends. She's mine.

Alana, oh, my God, your nose again, dude. Are you okay?

what I'd do if Ike moved away.

We've been on this route together for 15 years.

15 years of wives and kids and little league games.

Mistresses, union scabs, getting made.

Come on, Abe.

All right, you know what? Take the couch.

Really? Yeah, take the couch. Thank you so much. You are so sweet.

Yeah, incredible thing.

Thank you guys so much. Bye,

ladies. Bye, ladies.

Oh, my God, Alana.

Fuck, dude, the concert starts so soon. What are we going to do?

I would have loved to rinse off before we went to the show, but I know that

Wayne likes a stinky pussy.

Yeah, that's great.

You mean the couch?

I meant for the couch. Oh, I have no fucking idea.

Okay, okay.

I mean, is there a world in

which we take the sofa

to the...

Back around.

Okay, so we'll just, like,

leave it here, go to the show, and bring it home after?

No, I know what to do.

Okay, my friend.

Neat. My other wacky little friend, Molly.

Really nice to meet you, Molly. I've heard a lot about you.

Here we go.

Whatever this is going to be.

How's it going?

These are invalid.

You girls gotta move them off. Wait, wait, wait. I got them on Craigslist.

They're just like... Did you just say Craigslist?

Y'all ain't never heard of StubHub? These are for sure fake.

Get out of my line.

Go.

And how old are y'all anyway?

I can't tell because the outfits aren't matching the faces.

Next.

I'm sorry, dude. I'm a... Fucking idiot.

No, you are not. Craigslist is the most legitimate business, okay? The last time

we used it, we cleaned that dude's apartment in our underwear.

Okay,

okay. Hey, I bet.

No, I know.

That we can find some silly ass way in here. Okay.

Okay, we gotta do this before the molly kicks in. Yeah.

God, I'm feeling something, you know? It is upon us.

Abby, come now. Why? Look at the vent.

Okay, we get up there. If we can, we crawl inside. We're sinking inside the

venue. We're done. Oh, my God, dude. I have a Swiss Army, and it can unscrew

the screws?

Okay, I know exactly how we get up there. You get on my shoulders, you do

the thing, you pry it open, you crawl inside.

Oh, my gosh. Once I'm inside, I'll, like, take my clothes off, and I'll,

like, tie them all in a rope, okay? In a knot, and I'll pull you up. I'm actually

getting hot anyway, so this works out. Yes, bitch. This is fully happening.

We are such a team. Incredible.

Maybe like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, if we're going to put one arm. You know, what if we, like, do this wall?

Yeah, if my back is up against the wall.

Yeah, yeah. And then we'll go. Yeah, right. That's right.

Ladders!

Dude, you ever see how many Lil's there are besides Wayne? Lil' Kim, Lil'

Yachty, Lil' Dicky, Lil' Dooky, Lil' Rel, Lil' Duval, Lil' Pump, Lil' Mama,

Lil' Uzi, Barrett. Wait, wait, wait.

Barrett, like, like a string team? Like a lagoon?

No, no, no. That's Ericaville.

Oh, my God. If I was a rapper, my name would be Ericaville.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'd be Lil' Two-Ply. Lil' Clip-Down?

Oh, my God. I'd be Lil' Nap-Time.

Oh my god.

Whispering is so...

Sounds different, right? Yeah.

I love, but I don't necessarily love it.

You know what I mean? But I'm an unconditional ride or die for him, and

I'm grateful for what we went through to get here.

Me too.

Me too.

Oh, my God, dude.

Oh, my goodness. No. What? I have such a good idea.

Dude.

Reposition.

Okay.

It sounds like we're like right above the audience, right?

Okay. What if?

We drop down. Dude, what if we drop down? There's got to be like a door

down. What if we drop down under the audience?

Dude, or... Break some skulls, dude!

Or the stage.

Like, we drop down under this stage and we're like... Okay, yes.

Fully fucking yes. Or we could go back to the alley that we were

hanging at and just knock on that vent.

Yeah.

little wheezy concert right here.

Yes, dude.

Dude,

can I tell you something?

Anything. You can tell me anything, dude.

I don't know if I knew who I am without you.

I don't have the same self I thought I did. Dude, I am terrified.

I'm like, do I even know how to make new friends?

I'm like, do I even like...

don't even know you know that's my damn problem dog i worry in retrospect that

i've been co-opting your time and keeping you from growing you know what i

mean no dude i feel like i've been relying on you for like my confidence

like i didn't even know my ass was dope until you taught me it was it's like you

don't just like keep giving people fish you know you're changing how they use

their ass and then they never go hungry you know what i mean

my own you know as an individual rather than tag lol remember jeremy yes

everything on the entity that is i i want to be like in a relationship like

we have with someone who i have text with you and like a cuddle with and shit

you know i realize now that i didn't give lincoln really a full true and real

shot because i always made you my priority and you know now that i think

about it these notes that i keep getting it's every time i think of us apart so

it's really like a psychosomatic response to our crippling codependence

chance could be our better, bolder selves.

Bolder!

Oh, bolder!

But although it doesn't,

it's going to be great.

Yeah, dude, it's going to be great.

It's going to be so good.

I just have to talk that shit out. Truly. And the fact that I can let it go

is positive.

Positive visimo. Yes!

Okay, cool. I feel good that you feel good.

Like,

okay, can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Do you feel, like, a little weird? Like, shitty, perhaps?

I'm starting to not feel well.

Like, my whole body is starting to feel weird.

The comedown can be a little tricky.

This is not good.

This is not good.

Do you have juice?

No, I don't have any juice. Do you have bread?

Do you have bread? I don't keep bread in the house.

Noirers.

You're 30.

I'm 25. What's wrong with me?

Well, what?

Twister blew into town and spit out you two tumbleweeds. Stop. You're killing

me. Abby.

Bevers.

Oh, Abby.

Okay, what are you doing? Please stop. Why are you doing this?

I sold every last bit of furniture, and I upsold most of it.

Bevers style.

Bevers, that's really impressive.

And here's my commishy.

Bevers, thank you so much, really. I really appreciate it.

I'm really going to miss you.

I'm really going to miss you, too.

Wait, Bevers.

Does Melody even know I'm moving out?

Remember when we made meringues? When we took care of that egg and then it

cracked? That bird we found, that broken bird. Oh, my God. I hope it's okay. It's

not. You know what I mean? It's dead. When you did the teeth whitening? Oh, my

God. The first time I tried a diva cup. That was a little bit of not my

favorite.