Original subtitles

If there were a hypothetical compost vessel for, hypothetically, our duty,

would you hypothetically be into that? Sure.

I've been crashing on friends' couches for a month, so I can literally move in

tomorrow.

All right? Let me ask you this. When I take a shower, will you keep me company?

Not in the shower. Just, like, sit on the toilet and talk to me.

Okay. Okay, I just have one final question.

What is your stance on...

The Olsen twins.

Oh, my God. Girl, the Olsen twins.

It drives me nuts. You understand?

Part of it is, like, I feel sorry for them. Yes. But they also billionaires,

so I hate them. Yes. But, I mean, did they ask for this? No, they did not. Uh

-uh. Okay? Why would you have Uncle Jesse picking them up, kissing them, to

get women?

What woman sees it as a turn on? What kind of move is this? Child, that whole

set is about to be Bill Cosby. You hear me?

Bizarre. OK? Me too moments every damn where. That's it. I mean, give it to me.

For real. Lay it down.

Hello? I mean, we vibing, right? Child. All right.

Yes!

Now just tell me what rule do I take, OK?

Well, you have officially secured yourself a backup offer.

Backup? It's just that I have one more brown eyed.

Goy-nosed, fat-ass, beautiful candidate left to explore.

Well, girl, you've literally just described me.

Well, it looks like I have a type.

I will get back to you in 24 hours.

Can you make it 23?

Because I really love this place.

That's never happened before.

Four and three and two and one.

I'm scared. I don't know how to say it or when.

Or where, or how exactly.

Ugh, you haven't told Alana you're moving to Colorado yet? I do not envy

you. When we told her we were getting rid of her car, we took her to see

Savion Glover tap dancing, and we even snuck in a backpack of sour cherry

straws. Those are her favorites. And she still wanted to declare legal

emancipation. And you better tell that bitch soon, because I'm only good up to

a certain point when it comes to keeping a secret. Like 12 hours ago, Elliot

tells me he's having an affair. Can you believe this?

With a married man married to a woman. He's a homewrecker, Abby.

Foxy, 12 hours.

I can't help myself.

Okay, okay, I'll do it today.

Butter her up, flowers, weed, something special.

Just tell me it's going to be okay.

Bobby? Bob, you're frozen.

Okay, I can see the ceiling fan still moving in the background.

What?

Dude, what?

Wait. We both bought each other a dozen roses?

That is amazing. Can you believe? Okay, these are for you.

Those are for you. Can you believe we are so psychically linked? No, and

luckily, nothing, you know, no space or time or distance or anything would ever

change that or take that away. You're not even dead.

That's hot.

Yeah.

So today, we are going to do something that you have wanted to do.

Forever, baby.

Sleep no more.

Are you serious?

Uh-huh. God, I love living in New York City. You just, you can't beat it. You

get to be physically near the cutting edge of art and culture, and then just a

mere decade later, actually afford to experience it.

But wait, are you going to be too scared to go?

I mean, I'm excited. I am also scared, but it is going to be scary, right? It's

not intended to be scary. It's kind of like interactive modern version of

Macbeth. Ooh, Shakespeare. I love Shakespeare.

All his stuff.

God, Shakespeare was fucking cool because he was bisexual as hell, dog.

Also, you see visible vulva and penis in this show.

This is going to be so good because I want to go into this new experience

because I want to be uncomfortable to grow.

Bish, I hear dish.

Because I believe in us growing together, no matter what form that may

take.

Me too, dude.

Together forever!

Petticoats, please. If you could keep these vertical, that would be great.

And hey, is there a... particular penis and vulva viewing room i was told

there'd be visible vulva uh you know this is more of a this is honestly more

of like a follow the action choose your own adventure type show just follow the

room that is multiple rooms yeah it's scary see

20 people on one elevator yes actually terrifying okay

Things aren't always as they seem here.

To no one.

I trust you, that's for sure.

Me? No, not you. Come on.

It's you, I trust you.

Me? Oh my god, no! What?

Are you bothering this girl? Oh, Anna?

Oh god, let's go. Oh,

cute.

My God.

Okay, I can't look. What do you think is going to happen to her?

Is this too scary for you? We can go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.

It's just kind of scary not knowing, like, what's going to happen next.

We got to do new stuff and expand.

It's the best part of life.

Even if we are scared and terrified, we got to do it. New parts of the world and

ideas. New parts of the country.

Oh, like Queens.

Yeah, yeah. Or, like, further, wherever, you know. Like, I'm in, dude.

Girl, I love when you're going deep.

And you know, when your best friend is by your side, there's nothing to fear.

Oh, man.

You know what, do you smell that? Yeah, someone must have crop-dusted us all,

huh? Brilliant theatrical choice.

Oh, God.

Shit, fuck, dude, nurses are never good.

Although I do love the one last art of letter writing.

I'm just like, where do the chills end or thrills? You know, I want to be

either really scared or really horny. Are you kidding me? This is the

creepiest fucking thing I've ever seen.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Yeah,

it's working.

It's working.

Gorgeous cursive.

Yes, candy.

Okay, jackpot. Oh, God.

This is like a little sweet spot. So you let your guard down because you're

surrounded by candy. And then this is where they really hit you with the

terrifying, like terrible stuff.

Chill out. Nothing terrible is going to happen.

I mean, you don't know that. But in fact, I know how to make a sweet memory

even sweeter.

Okay.

Abby, you are the best thing that's ever come into my life. And I know I'm taking

a big swing here, but I'm just going to go for it.

So as I look for a roommate to replace me, I'm thinking, like, Abby and I spend

a lot of time together.

We get along.

Why not spend more time together? I'm talking covering each other's rent once

in a while. I'm talking knowing what each other's orgasms sound like instead

of merely fantasizing about it.

Abby, Gary, Anna, Abram.

Will you be my roommate?

You know what?

Don't even worry about it. Never happened.

I get it.

I acknowledged the swing size, and I even secured a backup offer. She's very

fucking cold, so it's chill. It's chill. I really... It's cool. No, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Dude, not... Fuck, okay.

You're scaring me.

I didn't want to tell you when we were in here.

I was going to tell you today.

I got accepted to an artist residency program in

Boulder, Colorado.

And I'm going to go.

I was going to sell my shit and use this as an opportunity

to move.

Alana, we need to get you into therapy today.

This is an emergency, okay? This is an emergency.

Okay, fun fact, though, Alana. Did you know that you could fly to Boulder on a

connecting flight through O'Hare with a layover in Pittsburgh for $42?

I mean, I have never looked up how to fly to Boulder.

Ew! All right, all right. O'Hare? I don't know what that is! Is that Gaelic?

This is a little... Google!

What is Boulder?

Jesus! No!

You didn't even tell me you were playing.

Do you not consider me someone to talk shit through with? Are we not partners

in that way? Of course I do, Alana.

You're my only friend.

Well, I guess you've been stuck with me for a while, but not anymore.

No, I don't feel that way.

Alana, wait. Just wait.

Oh, my goodness.

Alana.

Bulba, you have ruined the best part of this interactive production for me. Not

now. I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry.

I feel really stuck in my life right now, okay?

No, nothing. I need a change. This is just like you with grad school.

I mean, you're settling into a track and figuring out your career.

Yeah, but I picked a school in New York. I factored you in. I always factor you

in. Otherwise, I would have talked to you about it.

I know. I know. I'm sorry.

Well, does anybody else know?

I mean, I just talked to my mom and your mom.

You told my mom?

That is so violating to me.

Oh, come on. Just hold on a second.

Alana?

I will not come up.

I cannot believe that you would not

tell me this shit if there was even a chance of you going. Dude, I was scared.

I mean, I'm still scared.

Do you think that I want to leave you?

No, I almost wish I didn't even get in so I wouldn't even have to do this. Ha

ha ha.

Like you're not going to get in to some art program you apply to. You are the

best. Artists in the world of all time.

No, I'm not. Are you kidding me? No, I'm not. I need to go out and do this thing

and have an audience that's more than just you and my parents.

This is the first opportunity I have had to finally live and breathe art rather

than breathing in, like, leftover prosciutto wrap dates that I stole from

my catering gig.

They're so good, though.

Yeah, I know. That's why I continually take them. But, I mean, rats come, and I

just haven't figured out how to... It wouldn't be an issue, and you wouldn't

have to leave New York if you just flushed them down the toilet or wrapped

them in tinfoil and then put them in a five-gallon Ziploc.

It's not about me not knowing how to flush them.

It's not about that. I mean, there's a teeny bit about the methodical

strategies in which we have to avoid rats.

For the past eight years, I have cleaned out...

Hundreds of people's pubes out of toilet bowls.

So many strangers.

So many have thrown up on me. You do get thrown up on an exorbitant amount.

Yeah.

Dude, I am 30 years old.

I'm done with New York.

Yeah.

I get it.

I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm really...

I'm gross.

I made this all about me, and it's not about me. But I thought you would have

told me, but, you know, I just need time. I need time to process this. I

process the thought of you leaving.

Once I have that for a few months, you know, whatever, see my therapist, double

up for a little while and push it through a little bit, just a little

time, and it'll be okay. I'll be there to support you, I promise.

So speaking of time.

Speaking of time.

So the program starts in two weeks.

Alana? So, uh,

what do you want to do now?

I think we should just go home. Come on, Alana. We can't end today like this.

It's still early.

Thank you.

Wow.

Oh, my God, I need something in my stomach so bad.

Mmm.

Are you not into it?

I'm just not that hungry.

Alana, you are the best friend I have ever had in my whole life.

And I know that everybody is leaving.

I'm sorry, I know this is, like, the worst timing.

I just...

Dude, I... I need to, like, change my life.

I could do this in New York with you forever.

Exactly.

I don't want to.

Not because of you. Not because I don't want to do this with you. It's just...

I'm going to be illustrating all day, every day. Like, all the time. I'm going

to be immersed in it.

I need you.

To be with me for the journey, dude, I'm like, I need that.

No, Rowan, sleep no more for me.

I didn't even get to get off during the orgy scene.

Get off? In the room?

People do.

It's really dark.

You know, Ab, I've always looked up to you.

And I've always admired you for being a deep and mysterious queen.

But I'm going to be right there with you.

I'm going to watch you and let you fly.

Or whatever.

I know that this residency is going to be a good experience.

Wow,

sorry. What I mean to say is that I know that this experience...

It's necessary for your growth.

Okay.

Sorry. Sorry. Right? Okay.

I'm really proud of you.

Thank you so much, dude. That means the world to me, really.

Listen, Aline, you're going to become like this badass therapist who teaches

people to grow the way you, me grow.

I mean, you need to teach them how to feel their feelings and how to do sex

the right way.

There's no right way.

See?

See what I'm talking about.

Can I ask one thing of you?

Anything, dude. Whatever.

I want more of your hair.

I want a long-ass tail for sniffing.

I shake my phone when the train gets stuck

between stations.

Um, so.

Okay.

I would love to.

I'm not talking about shavings.

The root.

You should feel metal on your scalp skin.

Okay.

Thank you.

Okay.

Well, I mean, I don't know when the sun's gonna set, but maybe we can, like,

walk a little bit. Yeah.

Talk soon.

Okay, I can't straight.

Yeah, so you can move in straight up tomorrow.

Yeah!

And I'm sorry about that backup offer shit before. I promise I will be a

normal roommate.

Oh, I forgot to tell you one small thing. Well, actually, two really big

things.

I have two Great Danes. Is that cool?

Yeah. Yes! I'm so glad you love dogs.

Later.

oh my god look at they love you okay beyonce jay-z

let's go come on come on come on what

okay

um alana please don't hang up I know you need space right now, and I really want

to respect that, but you have asked me this hundreds of times, literally since

the moment I met you, and it looks like today is the day.

I'm going to show you my poop.

Oh, my God.

This means so much to me.

Okay.

Here we go.

because you are lactose intolerant. Right? No way could that have been all

in your stomach at one time. It was definitely exiting your esophagus as it

was entering your small intestine.

You feel lighter.

Thank you.

Wow.

Alana, I needed that to work. Dude, I am so sorry. And I knew that showing you my

poop would cheer you up.

My poop.

Thanks. I did it a few times before I called you. You know, I guess this

distance thing could make us closer in some ways.

Thank you for saying that.

Ab,

can I see you one more time?

Okay, one more time. And then I really have to flush because I can't breathe in

here anymore.

Oh, Jesus.

Dude, no.

Alana, no screenshots. Delete that. That's not fair.

Yamanika! Come here!

talk to you about something I got accepted into an artist residency

program in Boulder Colorado Alana say something for

crying out loud