All language subtitles for Broad City 507

Do it!

Do it!

Do it! Do it!

Do it! Should we do it?

Let's do it!

Let's do it!

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

Yeah!

Hey, can I get a drink here or what?

Here you go.

Happy birthday, Craig.

Retirement, thanks.

Your ankle is the size of a grapefruit.

How did you not realize it was sprained?

I mean, by that point in the night, I
wasn't feeling much of anything.

I learned that tequila is an upper.

I feel like it was like psychological,
like the gazebo effect.

Placebo effect.

Yeah. Yeah.

I thought that you said you weren't
working. It was just like a really lame

catering gig, so we were trying to make
the most of it.

Thank you so much for coming over,
Leslie. You're the best girlfriend.

Yeah. I mean, a partner.

I like girlfriends.

I think that actually brings up an
interesting point.

Partner. Yeah, partner's more lesbian.
No, no, Abby. I know that now. Abby, I

actually think that we should stop doing
this.

Wait, okay, okay. Is this about the
placebo thing? No, Abby, it's a

lot bigger than that.

Whoa. Yale.

To Kavanaugh. Cornell.

You wish.

Dartmouth to Gleish.

Okay.

Here it is.

Hunter freaking college, bitch.

And... I'm in Hunter College.

I'm freaking in.

Masters, bitch.

Doctorate, bitch.

Well, mattress.

Woo! Grad student.

Acceptance letter.

Woo!

Hello.

Can I help you?

I hear you offer student discounts.

So we can't give you a student discount
if you don't have a student ID, and this

isn't a student ID.

Okay, but this says that I will be a
student in, like, three months.

Oh, three months?

Oh, that's almost as long as we've been
having this conversation.

Okay, Zomzina, do we have beef?

Oh, my God, miss.

Okay, Jesus, I'm leaving.

Oh, no, you're not.

Your hair, it's perfect.

The curls are so plump, yet so light.

Moi?

Merci beaucoup, monsieur.

I know this is crazy, but would you
consider modeling for us?

Stop. Okay, stop. Is this some sort of
perverted prank? Are you in on this?

Because you've been a bitch the whole
time. I know this is last minute, but

we're doing a shoot tonight.

You know what? I think that'll be good.

Perfection. Just like your curls.

See you back here at 6 and be camera
ready.

Okay. 6 p.m. Camera ready.

Oh, my God. Did you see that? That
was... That's amazing.

I'm on a call right now. I can't talk.

Okay, something seems very locked up
inside of you, so when you decide to

change your life for therapy, give me a
call.

I don't understand, Lizzie. I like you
so much.

We're just not on the same page.

I'm a doctor.

I do jujitsu and have hobbies, and you
just don't really feel like an adult

yet. And I'm sure your life is fun.

But it's really just kind of a series of
wild shenanigans.

Wow.

Shenanigans? Your 20s are for wild
shenanigans.

But aren't you 30?

Wow, wow. You're fucking nuts, Leslie.
What? Yeah, yeah, you're nuts. I'm just

saying that you need to grow up a little
bit.

Hmm, okay, yeah. No, no, yeah.

You know what? I really... Thank you
notes all the time. And my phone screen

isn't even cracked.

And guess what, Leslie? I'm going to a
play today. I'm going to matinee.

Yeah, with Alana's parents, who I'm
assuming paid for the ticket.

Actually, you know what, Leslie? I think
that we're done. I think that you should

get out of my house.

Finally, I'm on the same page about
something.

You know what? Why don't you take your
ugly ass hat back, too?

Fine, I will.

Of course it looks cute on you.
Whatever.

God.

Great. Well, thanks a lot. Now I do have
a crack in my screen. Thanks to your

stupid boot. Oh, did the wig not protect
it?

It didn't.

Ziva curl?

Oh, my freaking God, Alana. I know. I
know. You're going to be a model. I

literally could not have done this
without you guys.

Also, I got into grad school today.
What?

That's fantastic. Ziva curl. Oh. Oh.

I'm coming to the shoot. Of course
you're coming. You're my number one girl

inspo. Diva girl.

Diva!

Oh my gosh, hold on. Is this a grad
student?

Oh, well, yeah.

I'm so proud of you.

And you must be my sexy professor.

Wow, Leslie is a true monster if she can
break up with you looking like this.

Yeah, well, she said I'm not adult
enough for her. Oh, I didn't realize she

was a fucking heinous bitch.

She smells like fucking shit.

She doesn't smell like shit. Always
hated her. Never liked her. Listen, it's

fine because I have been flooding my
Instagram account with adult-ass pics

all day so she can see what she's
missing out on. Wow, I love it. Hence

the New Yorker. Hence the New Yorker in
me.

Whatever, but enough about Leslie, okay?
Okay, so I am scared that my brother is

leaving the city. You know, I know that
he's obviously going to be the perfect

Jewish Canadian BJ. I'm sorry.

Is your eye okay? I'm just going for,
like, a structured architectural brow

today. No, no, like, it's red. It looks
really irritated. Yeah, I got this,

like, AC drop in my eye before. It was
just, like, air conditioning pre-com.

Like, Ninja Turtle juice. It's fine.

Is it, though?

Yeah, I'll just flush it out when I cry
at the play later.

Oh.

Oh, my God. I didn't tell you the best
news of all.

Lordy, lordy, cuz.

Janet B.

Forty. Girl, I got scouted.

Some bottle.

For Deepachan. Okay?

This is a vision board. That's it. Yay!

I mean, this is really very exciting
about the modeling, but please, let us

not forget this is Elliot's special day.

It is bon voyage to New York. My
favorite neighborhood, no less.

The theater district.

Would it kill you to put a smile on your
pretty face? You have a simply

spectacular smile, my sweet baby.

Hey, hey, hey, lady, you want a picture
with my daughter? She's a very famous

hair model.

Can we just go inside, please?

Yeah, you know, we gotta cash in on
this, Al. I mean, one of those what's

-the-faces is worth like a billion
dollars.

You really should be putting weight on
the good foot.

Yeah, but I wanted the heel, so it just,
like, works. Look at how fast you're

going. Good job.

Hey, girl.

Hungry?

Someone's making a dank Instagram story.

Yes, it's a story about a grown woman at
the theater.

Theater, yes.

God, I damn it.

I'm so sick of this adage.

Walk it off, Anne Frank.

Please enjoy a brief intermission.

Here, win that, Tony.

Oh, my God. Dude, does your eye stink?

Whew, yeah, it stinks.

What's going on?

Holy shit, Alana!

It smells like prosciutto. You cannot go
to the diva car shoot like this. You've

got to go to a doctor right away and get
this cleared up. For the family honor.

Doctor? I don't have a doctor here.

You don't have a doctor here? No one in
the city does. That's why it's a

cesspool. All right, it's an emergency.
Go to the emergency room. Go to St.

Vincent's. It's condos. All right, so
Cabrini. Also condos. How about that

what's-his-name doctor on Houston
Street? It's not condos, but it's a

whole food.

Again, why do you love this city?

You've got to get an ambulance. You
smell like a dog's ass.

What'd you say?

A dog's ass.

Dog's ass!

Okay, I know who can cure me. I got
this.

Oh, I hope so.

Oh, God.

Fermi!

Come on.

Hey,

can you drive me downtown and just weave
in and out of traffic very fast? Listen,

I'm not a pedicab driver. I'm a real
estate broker. Read the sign.

Okay, then why do you have a pedicab?
It's the fastest way to get clients to

apartments for multiple viewings.

You know, I think I know you. Are you a
cop?

No. Oh. But you showed my friend and I
an apartment years ago. A bunch of

shitty apartments.

I mean, they were all literal crime
scenes.

Oh, yeah. Crime scene homes are my
specialty.

You know, I got an ex that works at the
NYPD. He hooked me up.

I just give him my hand job once in a
while. Okay, since we have history, can

I please get a ride? This is a modeling
emergency.

Look, I've been peddling my butt off all
day. I mean, look at my feet.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Wait a minute. Flex.

Okay, I'm sorry. I have to go before
you. I'm a model.

The doctor's with a patient. Yeah, I'm a
model.

Stop!

Doctor. Oh, sorry.

Alana, I told you I cannot spay-neuter a
human, and it is not reversible.

No, I googled that. You were right about
it.

I'm here about this.

Oh.

Okay. That looks bad. Have a seat.

Okay, good girl.

Good girl.

wanted to apologize to you for before.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you didn't see my Instagram?

What? Yeah, never mind.

What's up?

Look, the truth is I'm really set in my
ways and maybe I'm

self-sabotaging this whole thing because
I have a lot of fun with you.

Shenanigans and all.

I mean, who am I to judge the way you
live?

You're figuring it out.

Wow.

Well, thanks. I mean, thank you for
saying that.

I... You really hurt my feelings this
morning.

I know. And I'm so sorry.

Do you think there's any way that we
could try this again?

You mean like get back together?

Yes. I'd really like to keep seeing you,
Abby. I think you're great.

Well, I think you're great too.

I mean... What are you, uh...

What are you doing tonight?

Well, I think I may have a date with my
very adult, very sexy artist girlfriend.

Yeah, I mean, I'm down to hang.

Um, before we lock in any logistics, I,
um, got

myself in a little bit of trouble.

But I do need, I do need you to call
911.

What?

You picked dinner.

It's totally on you. I'm cool with
whatever.

Jesus Christ, Abby.

You know, I've gotten New York City
water droplets in my mouth before and I

was fine.

I did have bloody stool for a week or
two, but that's pretty typical for me in

the summer.

Well, this is conjunctivitis. No. Yes.
You cannot get any closer than this to

anyone. Please. I have a photo shoot
tonight. What if I'm paired with a curly

-haired non-binary model and it's a love
thief?

And a little bit of a pinch. One, two,
three.

Hey, thank you.

Okay, so this is going to clear up my
eye and make me gorgeous for the

evening. No.

That's your third round of Hep B shots.

You have another one scheduled for next
month.

Okay. You better write your
prescription.

And this is going to clear your eye up
in about two weeks.

Two fucking weeks?

No, no, no. Look, honey.

I'm a model now, and this here is my
moneymaker.

Don't you have something quicker, like
bovine growth hormone that Madonna

shoves up or cracks? I need something
that will clear me up tonight.

There is one option.

Work those curls, Mama.

Nappy little duets. Yeah.

Kinky, kinky.

Give me a supported realness. Volume,
volume.

Yes. Work it, Mama. Yes, Shirley
Pimpole.

Now, lose the glasses, baby.

Cut the music.

What's with the patch?

What is this?

Today I'm serving, um, Kill Bill
realness. Yeah, more like Bob Cough's

realness.

Lose the patch.

You don't want to see what's under here.

Well, then the shoot's over.

Whoa, whoa. What's the problem?

And who are you? I'm the manager slash
mother.

Stop it.

Your curls make your daughter's curls
look like trash.

The rare triple helix. The holy grail of
curls.

You must sleep sitting up.

Of course I do. I'm not an animal.

This is really last minute, but we're
totally in a bind.

You could save the day.

You own everything.

Louis Vuitton. Chanel.

I'm where I come from. Yes.

Playgirl queen.

The family honor.

The cat is electric.

What an idiot.

Okay, so this psycho dumped you a second
time in one day while you're hanging

between two buildings, two stories above
concrete?

This bitch is a menace. Right?

But then there was, like, this firewoman
that was rescuing me. She was, like,

carrying me down. And I was like, who
are you? Like, she's hot. Yes.

That's cool that I can see that now. I
mean, the female form, that's hottest

creation. Oh, yeah, made in her image.

Hmm? It's a Catholic thing.

Man, I'm just so bummed my modeling
career is over before it started.

But my mom was incredible.

Wow. She slayed. I got to show you. Oh,
my God. She posted all about it.

Who's that, huh?

Oh, Elliot.

God, everybody's moving away, huh?

But not the most important one.

The most important person of my life.

I'll give everybody else up.

Why don't you show me pictures of your
mom? Because I haven't seen it. Yeah.

Here.

Holy shit.

Wow. I'm like, go, girl.

Play, girl.

Work it, girl. Come on.