All language subtitles for Broad City 503

Don't be scared.

I have an appointment.

Girl, a product is the single greatest
gift that one woman can give another.

And if I see either of you two girls
wearing one of those napkins by

Victoria's Secret, I will personally
come and murder you.

Fresh virgin breast meat.

I think I know that I'm a 32C.

You have no idea what you are.

Oh, yes.

Classic Baumgarten shape on this.
Uh-huh. Same inverted nipple on the

right breast?

Of course. She's my little girl.

So let's get started.

Bring out the measuring rod.

You have a lump.

It is benign.

Okay. I have to take two bras and sew
together because your breasts are very

different sizes.

Almost as if they were unrelated.

You are 28.

Call it an hour.

I feel like I'm not going to be able to
fit my shirt over that.

Did you insert a back brace without
telling me? They are absolute

perfection. Now, what's the damage? Two
bras comes to $533.

Fuck you. Ben, you talk about price per
wear. We're talking nickels, okay?

Let's ring it up. I'm sorry, ladies.
It's wonderful work. Wonderful.

Kind of like mine.

Four and three and two and one.

How do you sleep?

Not well. You snore like a demon.

No, I don't. Yeah, you do.

No. Yes, you do.

Look at this.

You filmed it?

Look at that. I found... Ew.

Yeah, it was very scary. But then after
a while, it was kind of cute.

That's cute.

Go ahead.

I have been waiting to replace this with
an energy-efficient bulb, but I had to

wait until it was for real dead, because
if I threw it out while it was perfectly

good, that would be so wasteful, you
know? My eco-warrior princess.

Energy-efficient bulbs, not showering.
I'm loving that lady musk. I just

showered.

You're mean.

Wow. Get it. Oh, my God. Do you know
what this is?

No. It's a fruit by the foot wrapper.

Oh. Okay. Good gaga. I can't believe
this day.

Once upon a time, long ago, didn't know
yet, I was hardcore hooking up with this

very hot, very old dot-com douche named
Brad.

TMI, right? Hate him, loathe him,
grossed out by him now. You know, now

I'm like, ugh.

Thank you for that. But I gave him this
Waka Flocka Flame ticket, and in order

to pay me back, he gave me a third of
Bitcoin.

And this, fruit by the foot rubber,
gnarly as it may be, is my ticket to

that third of Bitcoin.

This is the, like, key, and the password
is... Brad has it.

No. Brad has the password.

Shit.

Hey, dude. Baby, listen up.

I just found the info for my Bitcoin,
which reminds me, I have a Bitcoin.

Wow. So what are you going to do, like
pay off your student loans or something?

Pasha, don't think so, Ab. This Bitcoin
money is not for loans or debt, not rent

or weed or health care or any other
stupid thing. This money is to get my

business, woman on business, up and
running. Oh, you mean phone wigs? I'm

using mine right now.

Yeah, I'm going to submit a patent as
soon as I cash out my third of a

Bitcoin. Want to come with?

I'd love to, but it's my day off, and so
it's laundry day.

No! Are you in that dank dungeon that
they literally illegally claim to be a

laundry room? You have a job. Drop that
shit off.

I just feel so extravagant to drop off
laundry.

We're business women, Ab. Time is money.

I mean, I guess it would be really dope
to have some creative and personal time.

Okay.

Hello. I'd like to drop this stuff off
for Fluff and Fold, and I'm going to use

that time to enrich my life.

Okay. Great.

Oh, you know what? I'm going to put this
in there, too.

Thank you.

I'm doing it.

So it's Abby with an I?

Abby. No, it's actually just Abby.

I like that less.

You can pick that up in an hour. Wow, an
hour. That's fabulous.

Cool.

So they call it cryptocurrency because
it's so damn cryptic. Nobody really gets

it.

Wait, where are you going?

Stepping out to give you privacy.

Dang, I feel like we have a good vibe.

Okay, all right. Okay, great, thank you.

So... You know what I mean? It's like
all my favorite memories in one place.

Ugh, dong.

Okay, so I've got to get this burner
phone because I used to hook up with

this hot, rich, older, douchey dude
who's now a Bitcoin broker, and his info

is on one of these.

Well, his dick pic is.

So if I find the dick, I find his
number.

Here it is.

Oh, my God, look.

Do you want to see his dick? No.

Do you want to see my phone mic? No, no.

Anyway, so I found the Bitcoin code in a
ceiling lamp of all places.

Me again.

There you go.

I'm getting a lot done.

A lot of work stuff, you know. I'm
really productive.

Wow, this is it, huh?

Just gonna check it out. Why not, right?
Check out your handiwork.

Oh my goodness. You got this grease
stain out.

I sat on a funnel cake.

Such a waste.

Let's see if that hoodie string stayed
in the hole, right? That's the trickiest

part. Okay, I just don't see my...
Alright, I'm sorry. The sweatshirt's not

in the bag.

Okay, I'll show you a picture of this.

Okay, this is my favorite sweatshirt.
It's this sweatshirt. Do you have an

itemized list of what was washed?

No list. We throw all the clothes for
the day in a bucket with everyone else's

stuff, and then we sort them out by
memory.

I'm sorry, we're not responsible.

Wait, what? You can't just lose people's
stuff and then claim no responsibility.

Well, I did not see that. This is easy
to miss.

How did I miss that?

Okay, what happens when someone's
clothes go missing?

You never see them again?

Okay, okay, it probably got put in the
wrong bag, right? What if you showed me

a list of your other clients that came
in today? I could call them all myself?

I cannot do that. We have patient-client
privilege.

Excuse me, sir.

Have you seen this sweatshirt?

Okay. Oh,

my God.

Ow! What the hell?

I'm so sorry. I'm looking for my
favorite sweatshirt. The laundromat just

lost it. It's very important to me.

I lost my virginity in it. You get it.

In it?

Well, like, it was a... It was quick
and... My sweatshirt.

The sweatshirt.

I need to dress for the job that I want.

No, have, which is newly minted Bitcoin
queen.

I want a look that says I am the
internet. I am the matrix. I am the

future, and the future is female, as
well as paperless.

I've been waiting for this since 1999.

Give me a spin.

Oh, yeah.

It'll fit.

Missing sweatshirt. Thanks so much.
Check it. Oh, here you go. Missing

sweatshirt. Great. Okay.

Missing sweatshirt. There's a blue
sweatshirt.

Ugh.

Yeah, take out my energy.

Either you win or say you're the enemy.

Let's try to kill you if they can't
catch you clean. The way that we live

in, there ain't no in-between.

Uh, chain gang for the layman.

I was born in the Mayhem. St. Wayne,
I'ma come right back with they heads.

Eyes bloody red, better play dead.

So I said, I'm all sorry when you got
deep.

Streets get gully when you can't see.

Ain't a thing in this world that can
haunt me. I'm a regular brain dead, I'm

a zombie.

Shots get hungry when you cut deep.

Streets get gully when you can't see.
Ain't a thing in this world that can

harm me.

Brain dead, I'm a zombie.

Ain't a thing in this world that can
harm me.

Brain dead, I'm a zombie.

Lana Wexler, you haven't changed a bit.

Brain dead, I'm a zombie.

Coming up, we'll talk traffic and
weather and what you can expect on your

afternoon commute.

But first, here's Charlotte Teterboro
with a special report.

And now, breaking news from Astoria,
Queens, of another missing white woman.

Residents were shaken today as flyers
went up picturing the victim. Police are

rounding up suspects and clues as the
community waits.

No.

Hi, um, news department, I guess. I'm
calling about the missing woman in

Queens. Yeah, I'll hold. Sure. A
mysterious turn in the disappearance of

the white woman from Queens.

Authorities have discovered that she was
the fifth employee of Solstice Gym to go

missing in the last four years. So
police have reopened those cases. Shit.

She is being remembered tonight by
friends and coworkers as a sweet,

artistic cleaner.

With a heart of gold.

I was a trainer when I left. This is
unbelievable.

We're still holding out hope that they
find Abby, but in case they don't, we've

lovingly renamed one of the bathrooms
Abby's room.

Also, we've retired her plunger.

No.

She was my best friend.

She was my lover.

What? We were dating.

What? We were dating.

Go for it, Ned. Oh, hi.

I am calling about... The missing girl?

If she's dead, did you find her body?
How many pieces?

No. Ew. No, no, no. Okay.

I'm actually the missing girl.

I found her. Hero time. Get ready to go
live.

Okay. Who has you? Gang?

Are they Russian?

Albanian? No, no, no, no, no. I'm just
letting you know that this has been a

huge mistake. I was never missing.

I'm fine.

I'm good. Are you speaking in code right
now?

Laugh if you're really okay.

Damn it. Okay, we need another missing
girl story. Pronto.

The flyers? It was for a sweatshirt.

That doesn't make any sense.

Okay, it's a layout issue. So I made the
flyer for a missing sweatshirt from art

school, and then now I see that it seems
as though I was the missing one.

A layout issue. So I'm guessing you
didn't finish art school.

Okay, my concentration was in
illustration, not graphic design.

This Bitcoin, Luke, is patent leather
for my impending patent. I am Bitcoin,

buddy, y'all.

Okay.

Can I help you with something?

Try to keep up, Brad.

Meat.

Boneweg.

We've got the Roth. We got the Rachel.
Going over here to the Lincoln.

Classic Abby.

So, Jaime, this time I shit myself,
don't ask.

These are phone cases?

Brad, I'm sorry. I can't go any slower.

Okay, phone wigs are a 21st century
cultural phenomenon. In an age where

technology divides and isolates us,
phone wigs give us the chance to feel

comforted, to connect and humanize.

And that, look at me, that is the thesis
of my witness.

Witness.

My wizness.

Wizness!

Hey,

hey, hey.

We found the sweatshirt.

Oh, my God. Someone saw it on the news
and brought it back.

Thank you so much.

I'm so sorry I've been telling everyone
I passed by to boycott this place. You

didn't what?

I'm kidding.

Thank you. Please don't come back here.
You're a bad person.

Hey, sir.

You should have this.

What the fuck is this?

It's a sweatshirt. It's actually a
vintage sweatshirt with, like, the

perfect amount of wear.

Micah, I don't want this shit.

I went to RISD.

It's too hot out here. I can't wear
synthetics. Okay. I am sorry.

Great. I'm sorry.

Okay.

You found your Bitcoin number on an old
fruit by the foot.

Ja. That you remember that I gave you
for a Waka Flocka flame ticket. Ja. And

you want to cash out that money today to
get a patent for these phone wigs.

Check out!

Finally. It took long enough, my Brad.
Now give me the loot. Give me the loot.

You could learn how to communicate
better.

Rude. Anyway.

$8,265 has been transferred to your
account.

Yes! The internet is my fucking god!

Woo! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Come on now. Come on, grow up.

What are you, 26 now?

I'm 27.

And what are you, like a hot, ripped,
uncut 50-year-old?

47. Okay, fine. I just mean that we had
sex when I was 21.

That's gross. You grow up, maybe.

Okay.

That's fair.

But I was going through a divorce then,
and I was in a really insecure place.

And having sex with someone younger
boosted my self-esteem a little.

Oh. I mean, I'm in an age-appropriate
relationship now.

That's really good for you. Yeah, her
name's Marie.

And I think you'd really like her.

Okay, that's cool.

You're cool. You're good.

It was great to see you.

Good.

So long.

Phone links.

No more Bitcoin!

No more Bitcoin! Jesus, it's hot out
there.

Who did?

Yes. What are we protesting today, huh?
Bitcoin.

Because it's killing the Earth!

But to what?

It's paperless.

Oh, you know, Bitcoin has to be mined by
thousands of computers 24-7. It's a huge

waste of energy because of all the
servers it's using. And it's the

pedophile's currency of choice. Oh, it
is?

fueling the child sex trade industry and
dominating the illegal arms world well

you can thank bitcoin for that because
it's contributing to climate change so

you're feeling the effects bitcoin is
killing good luck

with your protest okay so be honest do i
have to

donate that eight thousand dollars I
know Bitcoin is evil, but it's like no

more evil than paper money.

It's like, what about eating meat? I
mean, the meat industry is the biggest

contributor to climate change. I mean,
way more than Bitcoin. Do you know that

the fashion industry burns the remainder
of its clothes at the end of every

season to retain its value?

Mountains of clothes on fire.

Yeah, not to mention that it's all made
by little children.

You know recycling is a fucking hoax.
Are you really scrubbing out my udon

containers and peeling the labels off
and melting the plastic down to reform

them into new udon containers?

Oh, dude, Garbage Island is real. Mother
Earth is like, no!

No! And we're like, no, bitch, die,
bitch.

Awful. Yeah. Why is the news not
covering this 24-7?

Don't even get me.

started on the news the news is like
like the news is like hey guys hey maybe

focus on like important issues like like
recycling instead of latching onto some

stupid but really understandable layout
issues and flyers like what yeah

what also we are being listened to all
of the time anything that we

do on social media for free we pay for
through our experience we're just data

Whew, I feel so much better.

Thank you so much. Oh, my God.

Plus, dude, I swear, dudette, nerd, I
honestly vow her and ner, okay? Do you

know that's like an ancient Jewish
symbol? That's like a Jewish thing. It's

like a mystical tribal Jewish symbol.
See the thing.

Oh, um, just said I'm going to follow
through and honestly put this money into

my phone mix patent.

I'm going to be investing in a
woman-owned business, and that's going

to tip the scales of progress.

And it uses biodegradable materials.

You and her!

Oh, I love that. I legit love my phone
wigs.

So cute.

So cute. Okay, so it says here that if
patent leather has gotten stuck or

adhered to your skin or body, the best
way to get it off is lubricant. So, I

mean, we could try again with the almond
oil.

Abby could be chopped into a million
pieces.

Stop thinking about yourself.

You loved her? Yes.

Jesus Christ.

I loved her. I loved her. I loved her
more. I loved you.