All language subtitles for Broad City 502

Since consciously uncoupling from Deals
Deals Deals, I've been catering

regularly and babysitting whenever I
need that cash.

Although I was making an assload of
money at Sushi Mambo until they got shut

the F down for gnarly bed bugs
infestation. I'm clean now. I'm fully

clean. Wow. Usually we don't get
everybody's backstory.

That's surprising.

Living on the edge.

To circle back.

We have medium speed Wi-Fi, draft beer
on tap. Okay, what?

Girl, I hope I get to work here.

So do we.

It'll be $500 a month.

Okay, I was thinking more like $1,000.

Well, that would get you a way bigger
office.

All right, I'm just going to say it.
Does this mean I'm freaking hired?

Hired?

Aren't you renting an office space?

I thought I was interviewing for the
office manager position.

We're the office manager.

Is this, you know, $4.95 Broadway?

$4.90.

Classic me.

Whoops, sorry.

Also, I've got to say, what a hysterical
business model to brand this as like a

shared co-working space when really
you're storing people in what are

essentially closets after luring them in
with these like...

Seemingly high in perks, but it's also
like a bag of beer in a trash can at her

counter. YouWork is a multi-billion
dollar corporation.

That is fucking genius.

Guys, don't waste my time like this
again.

Nice meeting you.

Okay, Fernando, I swear I don't know why
it keeps getting clogged. Lady, toilet

paper's not going to make it through
these old pipes, much less your tampons

and maxi pads with wings for heavy flow.

Okay, first of all, I have an extra
heavy flow.

Second of all, I don't flush my tampons
and pads down the toilet.

Third of all, you're saying I can't
flush toilet paper?

Well, if you must wipe.

Well, the other residents use a separate
garbage can for their used toilet paper,

and they don't make a stink about it.

Stink. So I can't poop, wipe, and flush
in my own apartment? I mean, that's some

third world shit. You mean developing
nation.

I did mean that. That is right. Well, I
grew up using a shit bucket.

And I did not mean that in a bad way. I
meant it in a great way. Growing up like

that is dope.

You know what? I'm going to get one. I'm
just going to get one. I'll get a shit

bucket.

All right. I got some snacks out.

Yeah.

All right. Where the fuck was this
interview supposed to be?

Shit. I love this city.

Every day paying for a better world now.
Every day rain's going on your furlough.

Underwater, keep your head above the
water.

It's in the volcano.

Don't kick the volcano.

Every day, can't die from your fucking
it. Don't touch the volcano.

I just moved here.

Cool.

All right.

Jeez.

End of freaking Lodi?

coffee shop. What are you working on?
Oh, well, I'm working on my screenplay.

We lost Grandma at the water park.

That sounds hilarious.

Oh, well, it's a drama, actually.

Dope. Dope. But it's good. It's good.
The only thing is I have to keep an eye

on my stuff and my son every time I want
to take a smoke break. I mean, they

didn't used to kick us out of places for
smoking in the 90s, right?

You know, I never thought about it like
that.

Anti-smoking is discriminatory. I just
want a place where I can work and smoke.

You know, Linda, today might be your
lucky day, because I have a situation

starting up here where you can sit and
smoke and charge your phone and your

devices and work, and you never have to
let your belongings leave your sight.

Whoa, that actually sounds kind of
perfect.

Well, how much do you charge? We are
charging 50 cents a minute.

You know what? I'll take it. Here.

45, I'll give you. All right, awesome.
I'll go get my stuff. Yeah, awesome. Get

your stuff and then come back.

Abby!

I got you again!

Every time, man. Come on, girl, bring it
in.

So what you looking for, huh?

Okay, so it's a little bit embarrassing,
but my building's pre-World War I in the

plumbing, and it's like the... Say no
more. Bath accessories.

Dope, dude. Thanks.

Great seeing you. You too.

Holla at me, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, dude, I'm in the middle of trying
to find this thing at BB&B. Hold up.

You're at BB&B already? Can you buy me
six pairs? Six, six, four, seven. You

made that place with that too deep, that
condom. Dad!

I was going to say stuff to you.

Holy shitbox.

What is all of this?

Welcome to SheWorks. We are officially
open for shizness. What is SheWorks?

SheWorks is an inclusive work
environment that caters to smokers. I

see a bunch of, no offense, trash
furniture and two people smoking

cigarettes. Walk with me.

So, SheWorks uses the urban landscape
for a fast-paced workspace with no

boundaries. Huh. If parkour is hitting
the city at your gym, SheWorks.

This is in the city of your office.

So, correct me if I'm wrong, people are
paying you to use the free public

charging station?

No, why?

All the great male entrepreneurs do it,
okay? They take something that already

exists, claim it was their idea, throw
in some fancy furniture, and charge

double for it. For letting people sit on
your junk and smoke?

Exactly.

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm sorry, smoking cigarettes is
disgusting.

Okay, smoking is of penis.

But who... Who am I to judge a nicotine
addiction?

I mean, I'm fully addicted to weed.
True. Okay, you got the stuff. I thank

you, bitch. Come on. Come on, come on,
come on.

Great. Thank you so much.

And actually, a trash can is the only
thing we don't need here at SheWorks.

No, no, no. This is actually mine. It's
my shit bucket.

Come again?

It's my shit bucket.

Pardon me? I had to get a shit bucket.

Who, what, how, when, where, and why?

Okay, it's a funny story. You know how
my toilet is always getting clogged?

Yeah.

So, Fernando actually let me know that I
can't flush toilet paper anymore, and I

actually had to discard it in a separate
bin right next to the toilet.

So, what'd you say to him?

So, then I said, I said, I said,
Fernando, I will get that shit, fuck it.

So, I said, and I got one.

Oh, Abby.

Dude, I was like, I was standing there,
and I was just like so... done by what

was going on. I got bullied into buying
a shit bucket.

You know, and I think we should take
this issue into the community action

wing if she were. Come on.

Okay.

So we have to review our resources.

Okay. The printer scanner.

So there's the scanning function. What
you're going to do is scan your tits,

bring her out, make a shit ton of
copies, disseminate them to all your

neighbors, but get this, anonymously.

Everybody's like, what's going on? Whose
tits are these?

Meanwhile, you planted a stack of the
tits in Fernando's office.

And you pipe up and you say, you know, I
think it might be Fernando. And while

we're on the topic, why are we shitting
in buckets?

She works boots.

Dude, you are so close. Okay, what if I
print out a petition, okay? I go around

to my neighbors and I'm like, guys, it's
an important issue. We should be

shitting in shit buckets, okay? I get
the full signed petition to get back to

Fernando. And I'm like, majority rules,
man. Change is coming.

You are full-blown grassroots.

You are the Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of
Astoria. You're the Jewish Shirley

Chisholm of toilets. Yes, I am going to
shit in my toilet.

And flush.

Yes. Go get your bucket and take care of
your shit. Come on.

Take care of your shit. Love ya!

Ugh, I love she work.

Miss, hi.

Are you sick of being treated like a
filthy outsider at work because of your

tragic smoking habit?

Nice.

How's that Wi-Fi working out, Al?

Charging station guest is coming in
clear as day.

You know, we are growing rapidly, and
I'm starting to have to focus on

expansion.

So, would you feel comfortable watching
The Force?

Would I?

My name is Abby Abrams. I don't want to
buy any Girl Scout cookies.

No, no, no. I'm not a Girl Scout
anymore.

I'm a grown... I'm actually your
neighbor. I'm just going around letting

everyone know that I'm having a tenant
meeting today in the lobby. I have lived

in this building for 31 years, and I've
never seen you.

Wait.

Are you Melody's roommate?

You know Melody? Yes.

She dates that wonderful young man who
always brings me delicious cheeses.

That's, um, that's Peppers.

They're lovely. I love them as well. And
I'm actually walking around today to

talk about the shit, to talk about the
plumbing problem in the building.

How old are you?

New. You hippies are the reason that
sandwiches in this neighborhood cost...

$16 with your sriracha and your oat
milk.

What's wrong with cow milk?

Sheesh. Cow's milk makes me have to
shit.

Which is what I can't...

This is a very important meeting of the
building.

And I know you're looking at me like I'm
a hot, young, new kid on the block.

You're young?

I'm... I'm 30.

I've never seen her before. Who buzzed
her into the building?

I know you.

Forage, right?

Yes. Thank you. Oh, you're the chick who
pegged Jeremy.

Yes, of course.

Okay. I heard the moaning. You got him
good.

Sounded like an earth-shattering orgasm.
Okay.

Fine. You got me. I might have pegged
Jeremy.

Okay, great. But listen, guys. Let's
focus up, okay? So maybe, you know, I'm

not young.

Great. I'm getting up there. Great. And
maybe you only know me as the chick who

pegged Jeremy.

I'm fine with that.

But allow me to help you, okay? There's
a better quality of life that we can

have, okay?

I'm in the city.

I'm riding the rails.

There are changes that need to be made,
okay?

I don't know much, but this is what I do
know.

This is what I do know.

We can be the change we wish to see.

Let's say no to shit bucket.

I love Jeremy.

If he let her peg, we can probably trust
her.

My man!

You are a man!

Yes. Listen, let's take a quick pic,
because what is activism without posting

it on Instagram, right? I don't know if
it exists.

Yeah, great.

Yes!

Hello, Linda!

Alana, did you notice I signed a new
client?

Linda, you're a genius.

May I kiss you?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So tender.

Fernanda, thanks so much for stopping
by. Why don't you take a seat?

I called the city.

I told them everything.

I told them about the plumbing. I told
them about the heat.

I told them about every single thing
that needs fixing in this building.

Okay.

Change is going to come, my friend.

I think you're going to want to take a
look at this.

This is not good.

Look, Fernando, no disrespect to your
country.

I'm from Flushing.

I grew up ten minutes from here.

I apologize.

I'll pass along your demands.

Remember the bark of the poop.

What?

How's everybody doing, huh?

Morty, you want a fresh one?

And Miss Catherine, anything for you?
Yes, girl.

Bev, anything?

She on a diet. I get it. James,
anything?

Got a birthday coming up. Debbie, snack,
smoke.

I'm not a business bitch. I am a
business bitch.

SheWork, where your lungs are your
goddamn business.

Welcome to SheWork, my privileged
brother.

We've already met.

You know, when you're running a company,
you meet a lot of people, so... Listen,

we've been watching you all day, and
this is getting out of hand. I'm afraid

we're going to have to shut you down.

SheWork is a woman-owned business
founded right here in New York City. You

can't shut us down. Okay, yeah, go for
it. Yeah, let's see. Let's see how it

goes. Except I can promise you that
you're going to see YouWork start to

trend hard, but bad.

Because I hooked up with someone very
high up in the human resources

department of Twitter once.

One second to sidebar.

Would you like a conference room?

I don't want to fuck with Twitter again.

I don't like the sound of that. Plus, we
have to play him in soccer this weekend.

Oh, my God. You never hear the end of
it.

Pay her off. Cute. Make him go away. A
hundred bucks.

Put it with you. Yes, I did it.

Hi.

We'll give you a hundred bucks to go
away.

You're hilarious.

What's your real offer?

One hundred.

Nine hundred.

One hundred.

Eight hundred.

One hundred.

Seven hundred. One hundred.

Six hundred. One hundred. Is this it?

500 and that's my kind of look.

Fine.

I guess you're not getting a manny manny
patty.

Ma'am.

It's fine. That's what it is. I know it
is, but it's okay. We can skip it this

one week.

Okay.

Wow. Thank you.

Only in New York.

It is a genius idea, though.

Okay, guys. It's over.

Thank you.

for believing in me and SheWork.

You made me realize how beautiful yellow
teeth and brown fingernails

and hair that smells like soot can be.
So thank you for that.

All right.

Pack up and go home. We had a good run.

I paid a week in advance.

You know, the market is just so up and
down, brother. It's, you know, the

market. Bye, Ken.

Where's Alana? She's gone.

It's over.

But I didn't even get to apply for
office manager.

Where's my computer?

Who took my computer?

My screen plate!

Christian?

Where's my kid?

Man, the beauty of that bucket is that
I'm squatting so low to reach it, so

I'm, like, in squatty potty position.
It's almost like a two-for-one.

Hold on. You shit in the bucket?

You're only supposed to put toilet paper
in the bucket.

No, I don't.

Hey, what's up?

Holy shit, Alana, look at this.

You work innovative smokers, rooftop
results in a massive stock hike?

Those assholes. They stole my idea.

I knew I should have done an equity
split.

You know what, dude?

It's okay. We are still two badass
activated women.

I mean, Alana, you founded and sold a
company in one day.

And I, like, mobilized my people to form
a mini, like,

It's a small revolution in my building.

I mean, we can be the change we wish to
see in the world if we have a dream and

we rise to meet that dream and we go
high when they go low.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

Dude, Fernando got fired.

There's a new building manager.

Raising the rent in three months?

What the fuck is this?

You like our sharp cheddar.

I do.

Yeah, who doesn't?

I'm obsessed with sharp cheddar. So am
I. Me too.

He's taking it out of my fridge and he
must be giving it to you. Well, they're

very good.

Great. I'm happy someone's enjoying it.