Original subtitles

Happy 30th birthday, Abby.

Okay, so today we are walking from the... Sorry, one second. No, it's

great.

This is going to be the littiest story ever. Happy 30th birthday, Abby.

Okay, so today we are walking from the tippity top of Manhattan to the tippity

bottom of Manhattan.

It's function, baby. It's fashion, baby. It's fluid, baby.

I gotta fill it up.

There's nothing in there right now.

Oh, yeah, dude. I am so happy that you got these. Fill up LEM on a shop-op

discount.

$149 at 80% off, okay? And we're talking only half a size smaller than the size I

actually wear, so work it down.

Hold on. Is that the key to my heart?

Yeah, this is the key to your heart. What's the other one?

The key to your ass!

How do you feel, Abby? I feel good.

Beach, how do you feel? I feel great.

Yes, happy 30th birthday, dog.

Whoa, Alana, are you sure those shoes are okay? Yes.

Dude, I feel more comfortable in platform than not.

Oh, my good God.

I can show you your present right now.

Alana, I said no gifts. Okay, but it happens to already be in your phone, so

check your text.

What is it?

Oh, my God.

Alana. What?

Oh, my gosh. How long has this been going on?

There's never a wish better than this.

Alana, this is like...

Yes,

yes, yes, yes.

Looks like we made it!

To Inwood, New York City, baby!

Holy shit, there she is, the birthday girl herself!

Peeves! Okay, now for opens.

Just stop it.

Stop.

She's speechless.

Morris Jumel Mansion, baby.

Beside herself.

She's been here.

The whole time. Sitting here.

Yeah.

Ow.

Come on.

What?

Oh, thank you. It's just this Onion article.

It's dragging me out, man.

That's the Times.

Wow. She has been practicing all season for this moment.

Wow, since her recovery, I'm shocked at the elegance that she's bringing. No

parents. Her parents divorced her and gave her over to coaches.

She and her coach have had a sexual relationship for many years.

Let's see if she can nail the triple axel.

No, Alana, no. Come on, she's black. She's saying it. I just don't think that

you should. One break.

Thank you so much.

Beautiful. It's very long.

You know what it is? A touch of cultural appropriation sheds light on the matter.

You feel different. You look younger, actually.

Dude, I feel fine. I don't know. Whatever.

No, no, no, no. You are a mazing, fully a mazing insano phenomenon.

Come on. You have two really nice parents and a great apartment. Yeah, no.

I don't know.

I guess I thought I'd be, like, married with kids by now.

I guess it's good I have the job in anthropology.

Yes, because you know what? If you had kids, they'd leave you after 18 years,

but anthropology...

You might work there forever.

I mean, I hope not.

I mean, too.

You're not going to work there forever, but you could if you wanted to because

you're so good at your work, but you're surely going to become a famous artist,

so it's not even an issue. Okay, let's just keep going.

Yeah.

Damn.

Dude, stop filming. I'm sorry. I have to record that. Abby just...

Got clotheslined by a metal pole in the middle of the street.

Whoa!

Alana! Oh, my God!

Alana! Ow!

Are you okay?

Dude, we gotta go to a doctor.

I'm fine.

Plus, we gotta walk the rest of Manhattan.

Okay,

aisle four.

Hell yeah.

A lunch.

Oh, my God.

I miss school only for the supplies.

Lisa Frank Beach?

Mogul Beach?

Empire Beach?

School supplies.

These are good ones.

These are good markers.

Well, for your lovely feet, I'm thinking we should definitely get you in some

little more comfy.

I think you need something definitely with arch support, cushioning, something

that's breathable.

You got it. Hi, thank you so much.

I can't, like, lean. You know how they're always, like, lean and then they

lean? Ah, yeah, I can't do it.

How many layers of irony can we go?

Skechers is selling ugly Skechers.

Please.

All right, dude, what are we even doing? Are these comfortable or what?

Yeah, no, they're good.

They're good!

Oh!

Oh!

Wowie, wowie, what a steal.

I'm buying these for you.

What? No. Happy my birthday.

I couldn't wait.

If you open up a Fashion Kicks credit card, these will be $9.99.

Please do not film me.

But adults do have more than one credit card. I should get another credit card.

I should get it. It's not nuts for me to get another credit card.

Okay.

You know, just do it. I'm just like, you'll pay it. You tell dad.

And then I'll get the funds from my bank account. That'll be sent to you somehow.

I have two credit cards.

Abby Gary Anna Abrams.

One of you. Abby, then Gary.

Joel, Abby, credit card information. And I think I know the loser from high

school that it is, and his name rhymes, with Schnicklaus Spaley, okay?

Same thing did happen to Obama, though, so it's kind of hot.

Alana.

Alana.

Is he

close by?

Okay, if any of my 213 followers is in the Midtown Mall, we just found a dope

little girl, and her parents aren't here, but she's fine. She's with us, but

what's your name?

Madonna.

Madonna. That's gorgeous.

Madonna, Rihanna, Alana, Godonna.

Wow. Dude, that's good.

So we're going to security.

But we're riding the escalator, which is more fun, and it gives us more time with

Kadana.

Totally, dude. No, I mean, it's insane.

Like, what, she's two?

I'm 30?

I mean, I could literally be her mom.

I mean, if I was just walking around the mall by myself, and people saw me

shopping with her, they'd be like, that's a mom and her kid.

I'm crazy.

Me?

I'm crazy now.

No.

She not.

Mommy, mommy, mommy.

Oh, Madonna, you have taught us so much.

Yeah, we're really going to miss you.

Okay, maybe we can just do like a double cheek kiss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Double

cheek kiss. Ready?

Excuse me.

What the f*** are you doing with my child?

Mommy? Abby?

College Abby.

Did you take Bella? No, we didn't take her. She was clearly stranded.

You should keep better track of your kids.

Oh, grow up, Abby. We're 30.

Why the fuck are you filming her?

Bitch!

Fucking bitch!

her name is listen all this girl wanted to do in college was like ecstasy and

take group showers ones that i never even wanted to be a part of by the way

even if she would have asked me i would have never done it yeah and now she has

a bunch of kids and she thinks she's better than me now

Amazing grace,

how sweet the sound

that saved a wretch.

What is this?

What's up, Bubby?

Let's do this quick before she gets back.

Happy birthday, Abby. I hope you have the most amazing one. I love you so

much. I hope the 30s are everything you expect them to be. And I'm really happy

it's happening to you before me.

You are older than me. That's why I say this.

God, dude, I remember my 30s. All I had was a beeper, a freaking beeper. Nobody

had freaking cell phones every two minutes checking your phone.

I'm so happy I didn't grow up. Cheers, Abby.

Happy birthday. I'm so excited to celebrate this momentous occasion with

you. I feel like this is your year, so you need to do something with it.

If I know my baby's poop schedule, she is just about finished.

Look at this. How cute is this?

Thank you guys so much for all the sweet messages.

I also saw the new butt video.

Okay, the lady does not protest, though.

They're good pants for the butt. Really good.

It's crazy we never walked across the Brooklyn Bridge together.

One day.

Dude, this is where the Titanic docked. Are you joking?

I wasn't. I see now. I mean, I just saw the movie. I just didn't remember.

It was harsh.

Oh, I love you.

Holy shit.

Where's my phone? Oh, yeah.

You see?

Yeah, I see.

Good.

Suck it, suck it, suck it, suck it!

Yeah!

We did it. We did it. We walked all of Manhattan from the tippity-top to the

tippity-bop. Okay, Abby. So, what's one thing you did last year that you forgot?

What the f***? Dude, are you kidding me? If you think that I am cuckoo caca

insano, then say it to my face.

You're cuckoo caca insano.

Wait a second. Did you follow us down here? Yeah. How? You posted your

location tag.

Sorry. Running around the city with your little...

foibles and your little mishaps and your little shenanigans. Get over yourself.

Oh, I'm over myself.

She hates herself.

You're the one with the perfect f***ing life. You're always posting photos of

yourself on vacation, on beaches and stuff. You're rich. And you're always at

cupcake and pizza parties. I never get to eat that stuff, especially not in

party format.

And excuse me, four children and you look like this? You look unbelievable.

Yeah. You are literally woman magic.

So f*** you.

Thank you.

But, no, no, I... I'm struggling.

My tits are down to my knees. I sleep like 90 minutes a night.

I am floundering.

Okay, okay, okay.

You're cheese.

You'll always be cheese to me and me, because I don't know your government

name. It's Lindsay.

Oh, my God, right.

Thank you, you guys.

Social media is terrible.

I gotta go.

And we could hang out, guys. Yeah, I'm sorry. But next time.

Jackson, get back in the car!

That sucks.

To be her. Or Jackson.

Okay, let's just be the damage.

Dude! You know what? It was already on its way, but... No, it's, um... Okay,

it's not that bad. Look at your finger!

gorgeous jesus dude we don't have a phone we don't have we can't record this

no one's gonna believe that we even saw this i mean i think it's just

Can you believe her? Looks pretty perfect. You know what, dude? I think I

need to get off social media.

It's over between us.

Okay. Okay. Dude, me too. Me too, dude, because I don't really remember any

of the day. Yeah, I mean, shit.

It feels like because we were filming it, it's not even our story anymore.

It's like Dorian.

to sort of be like um piratey show me that toward your put your face toward me

wide eye a little smile in the eye only not in the mouth in the eye