Original subtitles

Oh my god.

Who did this?

We've pissed our pants so many a time, but this place was first and thus

sublime. You'll find the next clue where the trash is disposed, the cleanest can

on the block right next to the house. P.S. Dress cute and hot and fresh and

young. Oh, my God.

Yes.

Have a drive.

Four and three and two and one.

The garbage can is a hoax.

The next clue is held tight by a long-haired purveyor in the place you

got a hickey and I was a player.

This is

the

whole clue. It's a blank piece of paper.

Put it over the fire, you dumb whore.

Ew.

And it concludes in a place we went and weeped. A man holds the key, he's

probably asleep.

You know, you're a sexy little bitch.

Where'd she find these fucking people?

Thank you for the information.

Put it on my tab, Bonnie.

You got it.

Got her.

Oh, my God.

Hi.

Oh, please don't show me your dick. I don't want to see another dick today.

It's a clue.

Oh, my God.

Yes. Thank you.

Hey, oh my God, dude.

This is nuts. That scavenger hunt was insane.

Intrepid, beautiful.

I mean, I've never experienced anything like that. I mean, I rode a horse.

I didn't know that I could ride a horse.

I did. You know even than I know myself.

Same page.

It's so hilarious.

We are an incredible team, and I love you.

That's so sweet. And look, it's our dish. It is our dish. I dream of these

chicken fingers.

Funny thing is, we won't have any dreams tonight because we'll be shitting

ourselves so crazy with diarrhea.

Cheers to that. Yeah.

Oh, he's incredible.

So anyway, happy friendiversary.

Friendiversary.

Yeah. Ew.

Dude, that scavenger hunt was genius.

For the friendiversary.

Okay, so now... Alana, um, hold on a second. I need to... You can go first.

No.

No. No, no, you go. Thank you, because I am so freaking excited.

Okay, so this is a family heirloom.

from my great-grandmother, Fanny Rose, who came here on a ship during Fiddler

on the Roof time.

They were experiencing violence and raids in their shtetl. Grandma Fanny

Rose, being the child, was the most innocent-looking, so she swallowed these

diamonds over and over again, pooping them out and sifting through the poop

and swallowing them again to continue the cycle and keep them safe until they

were in America.

Wow. Wow, wow.

I don't know what to say. No words necessary. Just put it on.

Alana, I can't accept this. It's offensive if you don't accept it.

Not just to me, but to Grandma Fanny Rose.

May she rest in peace.

Okay. I'll just try it on.

I can feel her when I hold that necklace. And I feel like you're

bringing her back to life.

It looks gorgeous.

Even like on a t-shirt, you kind of dress down, which I get.

It's sort of natural on you. Thank you.

It's your turn. Yeah, my turn. Okay.

I got you.

I did research and I thought about it a lot. And I

got a memento that I think is the best.

And it is a...

Intensive hydrating face mask.

What? Well, okay, okay. So it's symbolizing. It's a metaphor for how I

feel about you.

You feel that I'm dry?

No. No, I feel that you are nourishing.

You are extremely rejuvenating for me. You regenerate me.

And you restore me. Right. Not only myself, but my skin. Great. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Okay. Are you mad?

Not mad. Just informed.

Well, Alana, get ready.

Because I planned a big night

on the top of the Empire State Building.

And I got the bill as well. No, the tradition is that we go Dutch, unless

you forgot.

No, I did not forget. I love that tradition and very much remember.

Mm-hmm.

I think it's actually better up here in the rain.

What?

Forget it.

It is kind of romantic. Romantic, I was just about to say that. We are, like,

inseparable and, like, on the same page totally, completely.

Oh, my God. And I planned an activity for us.

Check out the city.

Come on.

Here we go.

You're up first.

VIPs.

Wow.

The city really is so magical.

Oh, my God, dude.

I'm stuck.

Let me see. Let me see.

Oh my god, Alana, this is fucking disgusting.

You are so prude. It's weird.

Two ladies?

Oh my god, you gotta see this!

We gotta come up here more often.

What the fuck, Alana?

Could that be a fucking homophobe? No, look!

Okay, lovebug, so you say she fell off the fifth floor balcony? Yeah, it was

the one with the blue towel, and she fell, like, right here. And then her

body bounced right over there.

Cool.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. There's no evidence here.

Maybe you two were bored. You just need a little excitement.

You know it's a felony to report a false crime. Okay, we don't need any

excitement. We were in the middle of excitement.

Okay, fine.

Calm down. You two have a nice night, okay?

I mean, we saw that, right?

Yeah, I mean, I think so.

Hold on, that's the guy.

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God.

He's got a Burton bag.

Abby, dude.

The body's in the bag, Alana. Okay, okay.

I mean, what are we even going to say to him when we confront him? I mean, are we

confronting him? Yeah, we're going to be like, we saw you kill your girlfriend,

bitch. I mean, this is so crazy. We are being so crazy right now.

What if he has a gun?

He probably does. Everybody has fucking guns. Oh, my God.

I saw this Oprah once where this girl was about to be sexually assaulted, and

then she pissed at the dude's dick. I mean, that is always in the back of my

mind. Yeah, 12 season, 1998.

Amazing. And then the other girl who also had been attacked pissed on her

attacker, and it worked.

Genius. Genius.

Yoki bar?

What?

Do you see him?

Where the fuck did he go?

The fuck comes in here and eats dessert after he throws his fiance out of the

building? Why even get engaged if it's gonna work on her?

Milk? Fucking baby.

Excuse me, sir. Do you know the name of the movie that that man just bought

tickets to see?

He wants tickets to Daddy's Back.

Jerking off at Daddy's Back after he kills his wife?

Whoa. How long is the movie?

An hour and 50 minutes.

Plus, what if I miss the previews?

That means we have enough time to sneak into his apartment.

Whoa. No, bitch. You are a cuckoo bitch. We're not breaking into his apartment.

Okay, Alana, you were the one that just said that we're like this productive and

efficient team. We run this city.

You know, the mother of her children does deserve her justice.

Her story must be heard.

You're right.

Yeah, we just need to make sure we do this the smart way.

Ladies,

can I help you?

You can indeed.

We are here to surprise our uncle.

We're his nieces. He just left a little bit ago, and we wanted to sneak in his

apartment to surprise him for his birthday.

See, we got a cake and everything.

Oh, yum.

And we just wanted to set up a... before everybody else got here. We know he's on

the fifth floor, and we know he's on a corner apartment, but we just forgot the

exact number.

Oh, that's Mr. Hudson's apartment.

5D. Yeah, Uncle Hudson. We love him. Oh, sweet Uncle Hudson.

You two are adorable.

You too.

Jesus, white girls can get away with anything if you're dumb enough. I know,

right? I'm lucky we look dumb.

Healthy looking hooker.

This is crazy.

I mean, we really can do anything if we put our minds together.

So we have an hour until he gets out of the movie.

What are we even looking for?

Evidence. Yeah.

This was a home.

That... At heart.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit.

This is an entire accordion folder full of takeout menus.

You ever heard of Seamless?

Insane. He probably doesn't even let her on the internet because she'll read too

much. This is nuts.

Oh, look at this.

They were a happy couple. Sick.

And all along, his blood is just boiling that she's so much hotter than he is.

Cleaning supplies.

An entire cabinet full of cleaning supplies?

She thinks that she's going to use them to clean the toilet.

Guess what?

He's using them to clean up her blood.

They're definitely married. Look at all the clothes.

I can't stand dead women's clothes.

911, what's your emergency? Hey, it's Alana.

We called earlier about the woman being pushed out the balcony. And now we're

being held hostage in a man's apartment.

Oh, my God.

The cake.

I love the cake.

I'm sorry. I think this is the moment that we die. This is it.

My mom's going to be so pissed.

Hold on. Can you see something?

You're my favorite person.

Oh, my God. You're mine.

You're my everything.

Chicken fingers!

It has to be barbecue!

The fuck are you doing here?

We saw you kill your soulmate. We were at the top of the Empire State Building.

We saw you push her over the balcony, you sick fuck!

And then we found your fucking sex doll! You fucking freak!

Oh, you did, did you? Okay, you want to know who's in the closet with you?

That's Fran.

And you want to know who fell off the balcony?

That was Fran's sister, Lydia.

Lydia's a sex doll, too.

I didn't push her. She fell.

We were making love.

Honestly, it's a real design flaw.

You know, how heavy they make the head. Sometimes I want to put the girls up

against something, you know, and then I'm up straight. Yeah, yeah.

Then why was the body in a suitcase, huh? You follow me? I was taking my fake

wife to get repaired because your fucking head fell off when she hit the

fire escape on the way down. That's a black market sex doll hospital.

Like an American Girl doll hospital. Exactly.

Okay, then what were you doing jerking off at dad?

This is jumping off.

I sometimes go to the movie theater and pay 30 bucks for a ticket because I

enjoy the popcorn.

Okay.

I'm going to apologize.

I'm really sorry, dude. This is really just awful.

We thought it was the audience. And we were like, we're going to take matters

into our own hands. It's really bad. We thought it was battery against women.

That's not you. Yeah, that's not you. Right after we explained to the cops why

we... We did not know. We did not know.

So as you can see, this has just been a stupid misunderstanding.

We really legit thought that he murdered a lady.

Not that a true companion, you know, wasn't injured tonight.

Hey. Okay.

Enough.

Guys, shut up.

This guy.

What's your name? Terry.

Terry? One man trying to find a little bit of comfort in this fucked up, upside

down world.

And what's the difference between Fran and your guns making you feel like men?

And what's the difference between Fran and this guy?

If I rubbed him on my clit, does that make me a fucking freak? You know, he's

soft and firm at the same time. It's an interesting feeling that I wouldn't mind

experiencing. Ew, Alana.

That was you?

You said disgusting things to me.

Happy anniversary.

So sweet.

So, what are we doing?

Okay, so, you don't want to press charges?

No, we would never. That's not right. It was a misunderstanding. Not you two. You

gals committed a felony.

Do you, sir, do you want to... No, I just want this over.

It's really nice.

Thank you. Okay.

I'm so sorry.

Okay. Bye,

Fran.

Well, Fran, it really is my birthday.

Okay.

fat injected into the balls of their feet to make high heels easier to wear.

Ugh, gross.

I know.

Um, ugh, dude, Michael Jordan.

Hmm, okay.

Yike. Well, I feel like his feet would be, like, super scary. Part of mine.

It's so scary that I'd want to see them, so no shoes, definitely.

Tonight was insane.

Nothing. That was crazy.

Yeah, like... That was fucking... That was done.

You jumped in front of me.

You were going to risk your life for me.

Well, I mean, your scavenger hunt was fucking amazing.

Okay, Alana, I got to fess up. I forgot about our friendiversary. I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Yeah, I know.

But that doesn't mean you should die.

No. No, I know. But you did the whole scavenger hunt, and then you also gave

me your great-grandmother's necklace that she kept up her butt or whatever.

I should...

I'll probably take that back. Yeah, I would love to give it back. That was a

really intense story, and I just feel weird having it on my neck. It's

inappropriate, but my love for you is sometimes inappropriate. And you know

what? It looks beautiful on you tonight, so fuck me. But Alana, I just, I will

say that I do really stand by those sheet masks.

Like, I know it's a small thing, but those are very hydrating. It's just a

great product overall, I think, in my opinion.

Isn't it nuts when you think about how much shit we have done together since we

met?

How powerful we've become. All the witch energy we have soaked up from this city.

Also, okay, let's just say that that dude had murdered his wife tonight.

Right. And let's just say that she was a human. Yes. I mean, we would have solved

a fucking murder mystery tonight.

I know. We were literally like...

How do we not measure?

You tell me, because I don't know. You can't tell me. You don't know.

I have to tell you something. Okay.

This morning, I was the worst.

Forget it.

Forget it.

Forget it. But can we do one more other one?