Original subtitles

Thank you for house-sitting. Thank you. I'm taking Oliver for a detox in the

Hamptons. Standardized testing has really stressed him out.

Now here, make sure you feed the blue macaw and make sure the house gets a lot

of positive energy.

I think I can manage that. Great.

Oliver, our Uber's closed.

Time tables, topic sentences, five paragraph essay, five paragraph essay.

Chill, chill, chill.

Standardized testing does not define you. Nothing can happen in the global

economy that will ever make you need to work.

You know, there's a gate right there.

Four and three and two and one.

Unreal.

Double jumbo capacity washer dryer cleaning 25 pounds of your dirtiest dog

shit at lightning speed.

Madame Houdin, to the tour.

Mmm. Enter the Matabe.

Italian marble, Asian marble, Puerto Rican marble, every ethnicity of marble.

And the Cucu de Gras.

Is that a bidet? You bidet believe it is.

Let's try staccato.

I'm going to check out my online dating profile.

The water is perfectly warm to accommodate my anus. Oh, my God, dude.

My high school English teacher, Mr. Miller, is on Bumble.

That is unreal.

Oh, also, your Bumble thing is hot.

I don't know. I feel like it's a little creepy.

Hell, yeah. Sometimes in life you get creepy, freaky fuck.

Plus, you guys are both adults now. You must swipe y'all. You cannot swipe not.

Yeah, you're right. We are both adults now.

Plus, I always had a thing for him. Yeah, teachers are the ultimate fantasy.

Yeah, you know what? You're right. I'm doing it.

Oh, my God. Okay, we matched.

Hell, yeah, you did, you creepy bitch.

All right, what do I say?

Say, um, I need help studying for my ACTs, and I'm trying to get a 69.

He's still typing.

Jesus.

Okay, he wrote, I'm in town. Do you want to meet up tonight?

Is that about the message or the bidet?

Honestly, both.

He should come here. This place is so adult.

You know, you'll see him older than he is. That's perfect.

Okay, I'm going to say that we're having an adult-only soiree, and he should stop

by. Casual. Love it.

that's left with prep.

You hit your sweet ass on this bidet. You feel like a wine glass fresh out of

the dishwasher.

Oh, I get into it.

So what's going on with your Lincoln?

It's official now. He's like your boyfriend. Yeah, you know, it's just

that... Um, just try not to choke it out with a label. You know? I'm just like,

it is an essential part of my character that I'm just on as a label. So we're

just enjoying the ride.

Yeah. I think that's great.

Oh, dude, it's him. Okay.

He's on his way.

Oh, my God. That was fast.

Yikes. God, dude. Drive that sweet ass and move.

My head.

You know what? I think you need to change into something a little more

casual, like resort wear.

Resort wear?

You are naturally rich.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I'm going to do like... This is good. Like a little

more mature.

Perfect. Great.

Oh, hi. Hi, ma'am. God, you're a princess.

Thank you.

In a castle.

Hey. Hi, hold it up, baby.

Hi, how do you think?

I had an adult circumcision and I cannot get hard for two more weeks.

Wait, why can't you get hard?

Because the stitches will tear.

No,

obviously.

You can't just hold books.

You have to actually read them.

I cannot be around my patients in my current state.

Do you mind if we just...

So,

Italian marble, Asian marble, Puerto Rican marble, and the Cuchita Graal.

A bidet is synonymous with sex in Clichy, Guatemala.

A boner is inevitable.

I cannot be in here. I'm so sorry.

Dude,

my teacher's here.

Oh, my dear.

Hello, my fluid dude.

Hey. Oh, my.

He's here. He's here. Oh.

We got it.

Hey, Abby.

Hey, Mr. Miller.

Richard. Richard.

Hey, Alana, Lincoln, this is a man.

And this is Lincoln. He is a man as well. Friend from way back when. How?

And a confidant. Former teacher.

He's not my teacher anymore. We're on a date now. And this is Lincoln. He is

my... Boyfriend?

Yeah, she's my boyfriend.

That's great.

Wow, that took a long time.

To say.

Oh, taxidermy room.

Oh. Nothing? Hi.

Hi, mate. This is Richard.

He was my peach guy.

Not anymore.

That's why we're on the date.

I mean, not why.

She used to be our teacher.

And now you're on a date.

Yes. Oh.

Excuse me. I'm gonna... Oh. I can't touch you. I'm so sorry.

Okay,

is

it kind of weird that we're on a date?

I mean, not really. I mean...

We're adults, right?

Yeah, you're right. I am an adult now, supposedly.

Supposedly. With a D.

Sorry, English teacher mode. It's fine.

Speaking of which, I did love it when you used to make Tina Palmer stop

saying, like, so much. She'd never let me sit at her lunch table because, like,

I wasn't hot enough.

What? Yeah. You were so much cuter than her.

I mean, you're not so bad yourself.

I used to think about you like that.

I used to think about you like that, too.

Um, I had to go pit.

Hard.

Undo, zip me up. Of course, my lady.

Oh, sweetie, let me get that for you. Your fingers are for two things.

Filling cavities and filling cavities.

Oh, you.

My man.

Alana, I'm going to be honest because we're in a relationship now.

I don't think you got this 100% right.

This is horrible.

I promise to improve.

You're my priority now.

Alana?

I need to talk.

Beerby, I was the priority.

Whoa, love that outfit.

Thank you. Okay, I don't know if I can do this with Richard. He's, like, really

creeping me out.

It's so hot. No, it's not, okay? He said he thought about me.

Like that. Like when I was his student, though.

I mean, you don't think that he turned off to me.

Really? Bitch, der.

All teachers jerk off to their students.

No, they don't. All teachers do not jerk off to their students.

Oh, sweet Abby.

Once students have flowered, teachers are either fucking them or jerking off

to them.

Respect the ones who only jerk off. The other ones are in the news.

No. No, no.

Alondra, no.

We can't control our thoughts, dude. Jerking off has been a crime.

Well, it depends on where you do it. In the privacy of their own home?

Listen, if Lincoln and I ever have children, and believe me, we're not

talking about that for a couple of years, I hope... Their teachers are

jerking off to them. You do? If I keep their disgusting hands off my hot-ass

bluish kids, then yeah.

I don't know. It still creeps me out.

All right, let's get real.

You ever jerk off to JTT?

Jonathan Taylor Thomas?

Yeah, I meet him all the time.

As he was on Home Improvement? That poreless olive skin?

Or as he is now, a present-day 31-year-old actor?

I've been jerking off to a teenager every other night.

And are you a creep? Are you a criminal?

We're all jerking off to teenagers.

And I'll tell you what, they're jerking off to us too.

That's the circle of life.

When you say it like that, it's not creepy at all. Yes. Dude, jerking off is

all we got.

It literally saved the world.

Thank you.

Oh, here's what I like.

I don't like it.

Oh. Sorry, I'm sorry. Don't. Don't even.

I'm a grown man, so I should have more control over my pelvic floor. That's

all. No.

Farts are part of the total relationship package.

Yeah? Mm-hmm. Watch this.

This

is like

a breakdance battle, but not at all.

That was different from the others.

Hey, Alana, have some perspective. You shat yourself at a party five

weeks ago.

Hey, sorry about those last few things I said.

Sort of came out weird.

Fine. If we met right now, you'd just be like a hot dude who happens to teach.

All right.

This is actually pretty good.

Yeah, it's amazing.

Got sort of a full body with a tannic grip.

Yeah, I love full bodies with tannic grip.

I love those things with my wine.

What do you mean?

What you said.

I was like, yep, mm-hmm, me too. Yeah.

His and hers casket sheets.

This is amazing.

Oh,

I forgot to say, we have brunch with Abby and Jaime on Saturday.

Oh, I can't. I already have golf with Dr. Tim.

Okay, I guess we have to make a shared Google Calendar now so we don't double

book all the time. Sounds like a great idea. I love Google Calendar.

events.

It's all good.

Why don't you?

Let's not go get books.

I have to open my stitches.

My stitches. Please.

Please.

I know you're up.

I really enjoyed Monet's early impressionism. I mean, I was reading

about his process in The New Yorker. Hold on a second. You mean The New

Yorker? Yeah, a lot.

Wow, like the whole thing?

Yeah, yeah, I usually get through it.

It's so hot. It's like super sexy.

That I can read?

Pretend like it's day one.

Damn, reading is so dope.

Getting thicker and thicker.

Calling Dr.

Rice. I have a bad cavity that needs to get drilled.

Wake up!

Okay, so we have to talk about this whole relationship thing.

What? Think about what we have sacrificed to enter the sexless fart

party. When was the last time we even had sex?

We had sex an hour ago.

And that's good enough for you?

I can't.

I told you I have a refractory period.

Looks like somebody

didn't do her homework.

Wait, what?

I didn't, but I don't know. Is there any extra credit I can do to bring my grade

up? I don't think so.

Looks like you're getting a big fat D this semester.

Hi.

Hi, my little good heart.

Okay, I gotta hash this out.

Like, are we aiming it forever? That seems ridiculous.

Oh. It's crazy. I don't want to do anything forever.

I like spaghetti, but I don't want to die with spaghetti.

I mean, I might, but I don't know yet.

I want to take this one day at a time, the same way I take spaghetti.

Yeah, because a lifetime sounds ominous and scary.

Yeah.

Lifetime implies death.

Think about it like this. Let's say you want a lifetime supply of Doritos. I'm

listening. At first, you'd be psyched. I got all these Doritos.

After a while, every time you went to grab a bag of Doritos, you're like, oh,

I'm going to die.

So this is what I propose.

We do it for a year.

Short term.

And after that year, we check in with each other. See how it's going.

Like a phone contract.

God, I love that.

Because I can do that.

And thank you for all the food metaphors. You're welcome.

I was eating spaghetti and Doritos yesterday. That's probably why my fart

smelled so violent.

Right. I'm going to avoid that combination in the future.

I'd really appreciate that.

I may be strong.

Penis, be weak.

Be weak.

Should we be doing this?

You're so young.

I mean, I'm 28.

No, but you're like 17, right?

Yeah, I am only 17.

Yeah, like you don't even know how to drive.

No, I just got my license.

I mean, it's actually just my...

There you are, Abby.

Hold on.

Get off. Get off.

Okay. Sorry. Um, were you just holding my skin back so I look more like a

child? We were role-playing, right? Like, you're 17. I was trying to make

you look youngish.

What the fuck? Okay. No, no, no. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Jaime, why are you in here right now? Well, I'm so sorry, okay? But I was

trying to hide in the children's room so I wouldn't get hurt. But that, sir, that

was just disgusting.

I hope you know that. Disgusting. Yeah, you know what, Richard? That was

disgusting, for one. For two, I exfoliate, like, almost every other day.

And you know what? My skin is radiant. I don't know that much to be true, but I

know this much to be true.

Abby, skin care is challenging, but we were role-playing.

All right, well, that's it.

I'm going to leave you to it, okay? But first, I want to thank you.

That image will forever harden my soul, but soften my pee-pee.

Namaste, you sick, sick man.

Finally, I'm relieved. Thank you.

Excuse us.

Look, Abby, it takes two to bumble.

I'm not your teacher. You're not my student.

We're... Oh, my gosh.

Single file.

Single file? I'm only one person. Use the buddy system!

All right, roll call.

I think we can see that we're out here. All clear.

Dryer set fire.

It's a Newton Elite. It's built only to dry satin, silk, or gold-infused

fabrics. Looks like you guys are drying cheap cotton and polyester here.

Fire was inevitable.

Thank you. So do you.

Oh, it's Heidi.

Okay. Hey,

Heidi.

Yeah, it was a... Small dryer fire.

Great.

Enjoy the Hamptons, and I'll talk to you soon.

Um, she didn't even know there was a laundry room.

It doesn't affect her in any way.

Wow. It must be nice.

You want to head back inside?

Um, I don't think so.

Thanks for coming over. It was interesting.

Goodbye, Abby.

Okay.

Richard, wait.

Do you jerk off to your students?

All teachers do.

You kind of have to.

Hey, Abby, one more thing.

You have to keep reading.

Your brain is a muscle.

If you don't use it regularly, it goes away.

What a righteous dude.

Forget about me.

I get carded almost all the time. I'm sure. Almost every time there's like an

age limit, I'm questioned.

I bet. Because people think I'm way younger. Yeah, definitely ten years ago,

I'm sure. I mean, for sure.