Original subtitles

Driver, I'm dying in here. Can't you get the air up a little bit? Mom, don't call

him Driver. Yeah, they call the security this guy. He's going to stop anybody,

huh? Esther Baumgarten?

No, no, that's my mother. She's dead.

Huh? Dead. She's dead.

Okay, go ahead.

God, I needed to be slapped in the face with this vitamin D. I could feel my

mustache lightning. Yep, you told her.

And the TSA guy. Oh, please, he just grumpy because he lost your luggage.

Yeah, I got this amazing suitcase that I saw on Refinery29, the one that Drew

Barrymore recommends.

Oh, Elliot, I am so sorry for your loss.

It's insane that you didn't carry on. But look, I had to check. I had my

shampoo and my conditioner, and it's made especially for the humidity.

Oh, yikes.

Oh, I love it. Welcome to Florida, America's droopy dick.

You know what?

You could hold my purse.

Oh, thanks.

Something I've been meaning to talk to you about, and I don't want to offend.

I really, really think you need to change your profile picture on Facebook.

You're not doing yourself any favors.

Okay. Why are you guys even friends on Facebook? What do you mean? I'm friends

with all your friends on Facebook. And I got news for you. They request me.

She's right. I mean, I did.

A couple of times, actually. God, do you feel this Florida sun? I am loving it.

Bobby Waxman. Jesus!

What, this?

It's called Stand Your Ground, snowflake. Hi, Eleanor. We're meeting my

sister upstairs. We're here to clean up Mom's apartment before it's sold.

These are my three beautiful children.

These are Esther's grandchildren.

Oh, Tom, give me a big hug. Nice to meet you.

Ow! Why? Why?

Hello, hello, hello, Beverly Baumgarten, we're here.

Hi there.

Aunt Bev, you look jamausing.

Oh, you know, one soul cycle a month ago, and I swear I'm still sweating.

Otherwise known as a hot blast.

Oh, Abby, you're so much prettier than that pic of yours on Facebook. Right, I

told her that. Let me see this manicure. What is that, trophy wife?

Second wife.

I knew it. She smells of mothballs. You started cleaning out the stuff before

me. No. You have a lot of nerves starting before me. I waited an entire

year to come down here because you couldn't leave the city because you

might be getting Hamilton tickets.

Cheryl's niece is dating an usher who could slip us through the garbage chute,

but we had to be ready at any moment. At any moment! Don't raise your voice to

me, Missy. I'm the person who taught you how to insert a diaphragm, so let's just

show a little respect.

We're going to go to the pool.

Wait, my bathing suit is in my suitcase. What am I going to wear?

I can't believe I have been on hold for two hours.

Jesus Christ.

Also, this bathing suit is so tight. I can't believe Grandpa used to wear this.

Grandpa?

Grandma, that's your suit.

What? I knew it would fit you. Same hip.

Oh, my God. This is humiliating. Oh, own it, boy. Enjoy your beautiful body in

the tropical climate. It's so much better than disgusting NYC.

Go.

The key to sunbathing is to have a solid tan plan.

First I do my back, then I do my front.

I didn't say it was like a complicated plan.

Okay, so can you help me put on this 100 SPF?

Dermatologist once told me that I need to wear 100 SPF because I'm

devastatingly white.

What is it, my fucking birthday turn around?

Al, come on, you need this too, brother. Too hot.

Respect.

Excuse me, are you the new on-site mortician?

I just loved Doris's eyebrows at her service yesterday.

No, I'm the late Esther Baumgarten's granddaughter, Alana. Oh, you're the one

dating the gangster daddy.

Uh, no, we, uh, we broke up, actually.

Good for you.

Oh, dude.

The gun holder.

Amazing. Oh, crap.

Airs on Ruby from Little Richard.

Let's just cut the crap, Princess Ticklefeather.

Talk about the ring.

You really want to get into that? You bet your ass I do. All right, all right.

All right. Mommy would want me to have it. Ha!

It's probably the only engagement ring I'm ever going to have at this point.

You are so full of shit, I need a plunger.

Mommy would have wanted that ring to go to Alana, her only granddaughter, or

Elliot even. So now I'm being punished because I don't have children?

You know, I feel me.

This place is so magical.

It's got everything.

Sunshine, warmth, greenery.

Oh, my God. Is that an orange tree? So legit.

From what earth? Real fruit that hasn't already been licked by a bodega cat?

Oh, God.

Nut. Nut.

Man, I feel...

So good right now. I just feel at peace here. Of course you feel at peace. You

don't have the city grinding you down, twisting your titty so you're begging

for mercy. Yeah, I don't feel anxiety at every turn. There's not, like, danger

lurking at every corner.

Good afternoon.

Hello. Holy shit.

Okay, the gun thing is actually terrifying, but other than that, dude,

I'm like... Other than that. Free! Other than that. It's like, why do we choose

to live in New York? Why do we want things to be so fucking hard?

It's like our lives are Richard Pryor's dick and New York is the cocaine.

Yeah.

Wait, what?

Richard Pryor, dude.

Pam Grier found an actual buildup of cocaine on her cervix because Richard

used to, like, dip his dick in coke before they had sex so that it would

take him longer to cum. But it's like, just cum, man. Cumming feels amazing.

And that's what New York City is.

One giant delayed orgasm.

Instead of enjoying it now, we're just suffering through it so in 40 years we

can say, we did that. We lived there.

But until then, we're just getting constantly fucked by Richard Pryor's

numb cocaine dick.

Oh, an open house. We should go tomorrow. I bet they'll have free

cookies. Yeah, I bet they'll have a free toilet.

What? I have to pee.

Oh, let's go.

Hello, sir.

Oh, my gosh, Eleanor, look at this. The kitchen is its own room, and the

windows. It's a home.

Oh, home. We don't have those. We have New York City apartments. Well, this

place has it all. Eleanor and I, prune juice on tap, life alert buttons in

every corner.

So, uh, how much is this place going for?

$425. $425 a night. Yeah, 10th, 30th night, $12,000 a month. No, $425 a

month.

We'll take it.

I could see us living here, dying here. I mean,

normally, you have to be over 55 years of age to rent in this community. But

you are a Darlington Lakes legacy. Yeah, I mean, we could sign a year-long lease

right now. Listen, there's already another couple who's interested, and

they are the right age.

But...

Why don't you go ahead and apply?

There's a board meeting on Thursday night where the community will vote on

who the next tenants should be. You'll have to convince them that you're the

right fit.

Thank you, sir. You're welcome.

Okay, are we doing this? Are we moving to Florida?

I think so. I mean, we live in New York, but do we really live there? Yeah. I

don't want to rise and grind anymore.

I want to rise and then, like, lay right back down.

We're doing that.

We're moving to Florida.

Oh, my gosh. Okay, we're going to impress all these old people.

A lot of work to do.

It is net talking time, Gaga.

Great serve, Edna.

Great return, Ethel.

That was out.

I win, bitch. Oh, shove it, Edna.

That was on the line, and you know it. Girls, you saw it. You make the call. I

can't tell who has more power in the community.

Um, well...

Edna looks like she's wearing a really expensive skirt. Could mean that she's,

like, elite.

Right. But Ethel's so fucking bossy. I feel like she forced people to vote for

us. She's like a cyber bully IRL.

So, like a bully.

Huh. I forgot about bullies. You know what?

I don't think we can choose. We need both votes.

You won, but you should let her win. She needs it more. She needs it more.

They're the pretty ones. It's the right thing to do.

You're the one with the incredible body and that glam and tooketh. It's the

right thing to do.

Maybe you're right. We've been friends since we were 16 years old.

And I always get everything, just between you and me.

I got to fuck JFK, and she didn't.

Wow.

Wow.

I do owe her one.

She fucked JFK, so I wouldn't have to.

Such a predator.

I'm so sorry.

Women have been treated.

horrible up until this time and including this time. Tell me about it.

So could we call it a tie?

Sure. Who cares?

What?

No, how are those different?

Fuck!

Yo, Fabio.

Jesus, Mom.

Why don't you make yourself useful and either help me pack or thump me? I'm

having a very bad day.

Thump you?

Dealing with the Aunt Bev is destroying my neck. There's just a pain in my ass.

Okay, I can't believe I'm thumping my mother.

Ah, delicious.

Ah. Ah, come on, deeper.

Right there. Ah, right there. Ah.

I can't. The noises.

The noises.

All right, fuck you.

Fuck you.

Sorry.

Dude, we are freaking nailing this.

Yeah, I feel like they're really starting to like us. I mean, I already

got three marriage proposals.

Yeah, I can't wait to live here. Me neither. It is literally like blue skies

are smiling at me.

Oh, shit.

I almost forgot we're in Florida.

I mean, if we move here, we'll be in, like, Donald Bland.

Maybe this is a bad... decision.

What? Jaime just texted me. It is four degrees in New York City and our pipes

in our apartment just froze and burst again.

This is a good decision. I love it. I think it's right.

You know, Florida might be filled with supporters, but if we move here, our

votes could swing the state.

Okay, now we can't not. Let's go borrow Grandma Esther's dope Cadillac, hit up

the Publix, aka Publix, and get some goddamn white fish salad for the old

dirty bastard.

Just let me got a feeling like she won't do.

Standing in front of me like shouting what you gonna do.

executive board will now confer to make a decision regarding

the new tenants.

I wonder how long they'll take. We've reached a decision.

Congratulations,

ladies. You're the new residents of Darlington Lake.

Thank you guys so much. You're so cute.

We are family now. Yeah, you won't be sorry, we promise.

Well, we'd rather have two young Jewish dykes than a couple of...

All right, you let me have the ring, and I'm going to give you the end tables and

the sleeper sofa.

Oh, please.

People pay not to sleep on that pile of bullshit.

Here's what I'm going to do for you.

You can have the fake Van Gogh and all of the China.

Ha-ha! China?

That shit is Ikea. Do I look like a freaking idiot?

I taught you everything you know, girly. You're not putting one over on me.

If you're going to behave like this,

then maybe you shouldn't come

to Sandals this year.

You did not.

Yeah, I did.

How dare you take my Sandals vacay hostage?

How dare you?

Unfreaking believable.

Now you're more sensitive.

You bet your ass I am.

Yeah, whatever.

Hey.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Even the type of fish guy would be like his wife.

I'm now realizing that... that the only non-white people I've seen in the last

few days have been, like, nurses and gardeners and, like, the various dudes

driving ambulances that have come in and out of this fucking community.

Dude, shaming other white people for their racism is, like, my thing? I've

been in a heap.

New York may be rough, but at least it's not a white supremacist sweat dream.

Get me back to New York where everybody hates Donald my pen.

This place is so scary.

It's like there are no gay people.

There are... Zero interracial couples.

Literally only, like, straight white people.

What are we, in a goddamn Woody Allen movie?

Excuse me.

All right, come on.

Thank you.

So, were we with kids?

Grandma Esther and Grandpa Eddie used to take us to the Catskills every summer.

And the men would stay home during the week. They'd come up on the weekends to

join us.

So one summer, Bev and I stole Grandma Esther's diet pill, Speed. You know, we

took it. And we're trying to hide it from Grandma. But she spotted us

immediately because she was high on Speed herself.

So then, remember this, Beverly? So then...

We just ended up in the middle of the night, you know, in that tiny little

bungalow kitchen until 3 o'clock in the morning grinding our teeth, and we never

told Daddy.

No, we never told Daddy.

You know, I lost my virginity in that little bungalow.

No, you didn't. You lost your virginity to Jerry Cat the year after I went to

college. I lied.

I lost my virginity to Neil Friedman in that bungalow while all of you were

sleeping the summer I was 15.

Wait a minute, Neil Friedman?

Wasn't he the one with the scoliosis, right?

I was so petrified that I was going to wake all of you up because it

gets banging against my head.

Beverly, you know what?

You take the ring.

No, Bobby. You take it. No, you take it, Bev. Who could care? It's just a

material possession. It doesn't mean anything.

Oh, my God, Mom. You need to smoke more often. Like, every damn day.

I do need to change my Facebook profile pic.

I see that now. You know? It's hard.

Sometimes I want to be one of those people that just, like, deletes Facebook

altogether. Yeah. And then I can always tell everyone I deleted Facebook.

But then I miss all the baby pics.

Oh, baby.

You know, speaking of Facebook, and I wasn't going to say anything, but, you

know, now I'm stoned and I'm going to spill the beans.

I saw earlier on Facebook that Lincoln changed his status to single.

Cool. Cool.

Hey.

Wanda, where did you get this pot anyway?

I brought it. On the plane? How?

My pussy.

I knew.

It's a thing. No big freaking deal.

She came out of you. You can't smoke a little weed that came out of her.

old bokeh box of junk.

You gave it some fun time? You need colite from the pool that one year.

Girls, see you back in New York. Use condoms.

Let's go, Al.

Thanks for the full new wardrobe.

I know material possessions mean nothing, but the car means a lot to me.

Yeah, it's like we're taking a piece of Florida home with us.

A good one, not a racist one.

I wish you could come with me.

I don't think I should.

Yeah, probably not.

You let me know if you need anything, okay?

Thanks. Love you. Good luck, dude.

Olivia won't wait around for you forever, Fitz.

Oh, my goodness.

Of course you will.

Hey. You wanna come inside?

Alright.

I'm not even gonna ask about the mechanics of what just happened.