All language subtitles for Broad City 407

Driver, I'm dying in here. Can't you get
the air up a little bit? Mom, don't call

him Driver. Yeah, they call the security
this guy. He's going to stop anybody,

huh? Esther Baumgarten?

No, no, that's my mother. She's dead.

Huh? Dead. She's dead.

Okay, go ahead.

God, I needed to be slapped in the face
with this vitamin D. I could feel my

mustache lightning. Yep, you told her.

And the TSA guy. Oh, please, he just
grumpy because he lost your luggage.

Yeah, I got this amazing suitcase that I
saw on Refinery29, the one that Drew

Barrymore recommends.

Oh, Elliot, I am so sorry for your loss.

It's insane that you didn't carry on.
But look, I had to check. I had my

shampoo and my conditioner, and it's
made especially for the humidity.

Oh, yikes.

Oh, I love it. Welcome to Florida,
America's droopy dick.

You know what?

You could hold my purse.

Oh, thanks.

Something I've been meaning to talk to
you about, and I don't want to offend.

I really, really think you need to
change your profile picture on Facebook.

You're not doing yourself any favors.

Okay. Why are you guys even friends on
Facebook? What do you mean? I'm friends

with all your friends on Facebook. And I
got news for you. They request me.

She's right. I mean, I did.

A couple of times, actually. God, do you
feel this Florida sun? I am loving it.

Bobby Waxman. Jesus!

What, this?

It's called Stand Your Ground,
snowflake. Hi, Eleanor. We're meeting my

sister upstairs. We're here to clean up
Mom's apartment before it's sold.

These are my three beautiful children.

These are Esther's grandchildren.

Oh, Tom, give me a big hug. Nice to meet
you.

Ow! Why? Why?

Hello, hello, hello, Beverly Baumgarten,
we're here.

Hi there.

Aunt Bev, you look jamausing.

Oh, you know, one soul cycle a month
ago, and I swear I'm still sweating.

Otherwise known as a hot blast.

Oh, Abby, you're so much prettier than
that pic of yours on Facebook. Right, I

told her that. Let me see this manicure.
What is that, trophy wife?

Second wife.

I knew it. She smells of mothballs. You
started cleaning out the stuff before

me. No. You have a lot of nerves
starting before me. I waited an entire

year to come down here because you
couldn't leave the city because you

might be getting Hamilton tickets.

Cheryl's niece is dating an usher who
could slip us through the garbage chute,

but we had to be ready at any moment. At
any moment! Don't raise your voice to

me, Missy. I'm the person who taught you
how to insert a diaphragm, so let's just

show a little respect.

We're going to go to the pool.

Wait, my bathing suit is in my suitcase.
What am I going to wear?

I can't believe I have been on hold for
two hours.

Jesus Christ.

Also, this bathing suit is so tight. I
can't believe Grandpa used to wear this.

Grandpa?

Grandma, that's your suit.

What? I knew it would fit you. Same hip.

Oh, my God. This is humiliating. Oh, own
it, boy. Enjoy your beautiful body in

the tropical climate. It's so much
better than disgusting NYC.

Go.

The key to sunbathing is to have a solid
tan plan.

First I do my back, then I do my front.

I didn't say it was like a complicated
plan.

Okay, so can you help me put on this 100
SPF?

Dermatologist once told me that I need
to wear 100 SPF because I'm

devastatingly white.

What is it, my fucking birthday turn
around?

Al, come on, you need this too, brother.
Too hot.

Respect.

Excuse me, are you the new on-site
mortician?

I just loved Doris's eyebrows at her
service yesterday.

No, I'm the late Esther Baumgarten's
granddaughter, Alana. Oh, you're the one

dating the gangster daddy.

Uh, no, we, uh, we broke up, actually.

Good for you.

Oh, dude.

The gun holder.

Amazing. Oh, crap.

Airs on Ruby from Little Richard.

Let's just cut the crap, Princess
Ticklefeather.

Talk about the ring.

You really want to get into that? You
bet your ass I do. All right, all right.

All right. Mommy would want me to have
it. Ha!

It's probably the only engagement ring
I'm ever going to have at this point.

You are so full of shit, I need a
plunger.

Mommy would have wanted that ring to go
to Alana, her only granddaughter, or

Elliot even. So now I'm being punished
because I don't have children?

You know, I feel me.

This place is so magical.

It's got everything.

Sunshine, warmth, greenery.

Oh, my God. Is that an orange tree? So
legit.

From what earth? Real fruit that hasn't
already been licked by a bodega cat?

Oh, God.

Nut. Nut.

Man, I feel...

So good right now. I just feel at peace
here. Of course you feel at peace. You

don't have the city grinding you down,
twisting your titty so you're begging

for mercy. Yeah, I don't feel anxiety at
every turn. There's not, like, danger

lurking at every corner.

Good afternoon.

Hello. Holy shit.

Okay, the gun thing is actually
terrifying, but other than that, dude,

I'm like... Other than that. Free! Other
than that. It's like, why do we choose

to live in New York? Why do we want
things to be so fucking hard?

It's like our lives are Richard Pryor's
dick and New York is the cocaine.

Yeah.

Wait, what?

Richard Pryor, dude.

Pam Grier found an actual buildup of
cocaine on her cervix because Richard

used to, like, dip his dick in coke
before they had sex so that it would

take him longer to cum. But it's like,
just cum, man. Cumming feels amazing.

And that's what New York City is.

One giant delayed orgasm.

Instead of enjoying it now, we're just
suffering through it so in 40 years we

can say, we did that. We lived there.

But until then, we're just getting
constantly fucked by Richard Pryor's

numb cocaine dick.

Oh, an open house. We should go
tomorrow. I bet they'll have free

cookies. Yeah, I bet they'll have a free
toilet.

What? I have to pee.

Oh, let's go.

Hello, sir.

Oh, my gosh, Eleanor, look at this. The
kitchen is its own room, and the

windows. It's a home.

Oh, home. We don't have those. We have
New York City apartments. Well, this

place has it all. Eleanor and I, prune
juice on tap, life alert buttons in

every corner.

So, uh, how much is this place going
for?

$425. $425 a night. Yeah, 10th, 30th
night, $12,000 a month. No, $425 a

month.

We'll take it.

I could see us living here, dying here.
I mean,

normally, you have to be over 55 years
of age to rent in this community. But

you are a Darlington Lakes legacy. Yeah,
I mean, we could sign a year-long lease

right now. Listen, there's already
another couple who's interested, and

they are the right age.

But...

Why don't you go ahead and apply?

There's a board meeting on Thursday
night where the community will vote on

who the next tenants should be. You'll
have to convince them that you're the

right fit.

Thank you, sir. You're welcome.

Okay, are we doing this? Are we moving
to Florida?

I think so. I mean, we live in New York,
but do we really live there? Yeah. I

don't want to rise and grind anymore.

I want to rise and then, like, lay right
back down.

We're doing that.

We're moving to Florida.

Oh, my gosh. Okay, we're going to
impress all these old people.

A lot of work to do.

It is net talking time, Gaga.

Great serve, Edna.

Great return, Ethel.

That was out.

I win, bitch. Oh, shove it, Edna.

That was on the line, and you know it.
Girls, you saw it. You make the call. I

can't tell who has more power in the
community.

Um, well...

Edna looks like she's wearing a really
expensive skirt. Could mean that she's,

like, elite.

Right. But Ethel's so fucking bossy. I
feel like she forced people to vote for

us. She's like a cyber bully IRL.

So, like a bully.

Huh. I forgot about bullies. You know
what?

I don't think we can choose. We need
both votes.

You won, but you should let her win. She
needs it more. She needs it more.

They're the pretty ones. It's the right
thing to do.

You're the one with the incredible body
and that glam and tooketh. It's the

right thing to do.

Maybe you're right. We've been friends
since we were 16 years old.

And I always get everything, just
between you and me.

I got to fuck JFK, and she didn't.

Wow.

Wow.

I do owe her one.

She fucked JFK, so I wouldn't have to.

Such a predator.

I'm so sorry.

Women have been treated.

horrible up until this time and
including this time. Tell me about it.

So could we call it a tie?

Sure. Who cares?

What?

No, how are those different?

Fuck!

Yo, Fabio.

Jesus, Mom.

Why don't you make yourself useful and
either help me pack or thump me? I'm

having a very bad day.

Thump you?

Dealing with the Aunt Bev is destroying
my neck. There's just a pain in my ass.

Okay, I can't believe I'm thumping my
mother.

Ah, delicious.

Ah. Ah, come on, deeper.

Right there. Ah, right there. Ah.

I can't. The noises.

The noises.

All right, fuck you.

Fuck you.

Sorry.

Dude, we are freaking nailing this.

Yeah, I feel like they're really
starting to like us. I mean, I already

got three marriage proposals.

Yeah, I can't wait to live here. Me
neither. It is literally like blue skies

are smiling at me.

Oh, shit.

I almost forgot we're in Florida.

I mean, if we move here, we'll be in,
like, Donald Bland.

Maybe this is a bad... decision.

What? Jaime just texted me. It is four
degrees in New York City and our pipes

in our apartment just froze and burst
again.

This is a good decision. I love it. I
think it's right.

You know, Florida might be filled with
supporters, but if we move here, our

votes could swing the state.

Okay, now we can't not. Let's go borrow
Grandma Esther's dope Cadillac, hit up

the Publix, aka Publix, and get some
goddamn white fish salad for the old

dirty bastard.

Just let me got a feeling like she won't
do.

Standing in front of me like shouting
what you gonna do.

executive board will now confer to make
a decision regarding

the new tenants.

I wonder how long they'll take. We've
reached a decision.

Congratulations,

ladies. You're the new residents of
Darlington Lake.

Thank you guys so much. You're so cute.

We are family now. Yeah, you won't be
sorry, we promise.

Well, we'd rather have two young Jewish
dykes than a couple of...

All right, you let me have the ring, and
I'm going to give you the end tables and

the sleeper sofa.

Oh, please.

People pay not to sleep on that pile of
bullshit.

Here's what I'm going to do for you.

You can have the fake Van Gogh and all
of the China.

Ha-ha! China?

That shit is Ikea. Do I look like a
freaking idiot?

I taught you everything you know, girly.
You're not putting one over on me.

If you're going to behave like this,

then maybe you shouldn't come

to Sandals this year.

You did not.

Yeah, I did.

How dare you take my Sandals vacay
hostage?

How dare you?

Unfreaking believable.

Now you're more sensitive.

You bet your ass I am.

Yeah, whatever.

Hey.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Even the type of fish guy would be like
his wife.

I'm now realizing that... that the only
non-white people I've seen in the last

few days have been, like, nurses and
gardeners and, like, the various dudes

driving ambulances that have come in and
out of this fucking community.

Dude, shaming other white people for
their racism is, like, my thing? I've

been in a heap.

New York may be rough, but at least it's
not a white supremacist sweat dream.

Get me back to New York where everybody
hates Donald my pen.

This place is so scary.

It's like there are no gay people.

There are... Zero interracial couples.

Literally only, like, straight white
people.

What are we, in a goddamn Woody Allen
movie?

Excuse me.

All right, come on.

Thank you.

So, were we with kids?

Grandma Esther and Grandpa Eddie used to
take us to the Catskills every summer.

And the men would stay home during the
week. They'd come up on the weekends to

join us.

So one summer, Bev and I stole Grandma
Esther's diet pill, Speed. You know, we

took it. And we're trying to hide it
from Grandma. But she spotted us

immediately because she was high on
Speed herself.

So then, remember this, Beverly? So
then...

We just ended up in the middle of the
night, you know, in that tiny little

bungalow kitchen until 3 o'clock in the
morning grinding our teeth, and we never

told Daddy.

No, we never told Daddy.

You know, I lost my virginity in that
little bungalow.

No, you didn't. You lost your virginity
to Jerry Cat the year after I went to

college. I lied.

I lost my virginity to Neil Friedman in
that bungalow while all of you were

sleeping the summer I was 15.

Wait a minute, Neil Friedman?

Wasn't he the one with the scoliosis,
right?

I was so petrified that I was going to
wake all of you up because it

gets banging against my head.

Beverly, you know what?

You take the ring.

No, Bobby. You take it. No, you take it,
Bev. Who could care? It's just a

material possession. It doesn't mean
anything.

Oh, my God, Mom. You need to smoke more
often. Like, every damn day.

I do need to change my Facebook profile
pic.

I see that now. You know? It's hard.

Sometimes I want to be one of those
people that just, like, deletes Facebook

altogether. Yeah. And then I can always
tell everyone I deleted Facebook.

But then I miss all the baby pics.

Oh, baby.

You know, speaking of Facebook, and I
wasn't going to say anything, but, you

know, now I'm stoned and I'm going to
spill the beans.

I saw earlier on Facebook that Lincoln
changed his status to single.

Cool. Cool.

Hey.

Wanda, where did you get this pot
anyway?

I brought it. On the plane? How?

My pussy.

I knew.

It's a thing. No big freaking deal.

She came out of you. You can't smoke a
little weed that came out of her.

old bokeh box of junk.

You gave it some fun time? You need
colite from the pool that one year.

Girls, see you back in New York. Use
condoms.

Let's go, Al.

Thanks for the full new wardrobe.

I know material possessions mean
nothing, but the car means a lot to me.

Yeah, it's like we're taking a piece of
Florida home with us.

A good one, not a racist one.

I wish you could come with me.

I don't think I should.

Yeah, probably not.

You let me know if you need anything,
okay?

Thanks. Love you. Good luck, dude.

Olivia won't wait around for you
forever, Fitz.

Oh, my goodness.

Of course you will.

Hey. You wanna come inside?

Alright.

I'm not even gonna ask about the
mechanics of what just happened.