Original subtitles

Oh, God.

So ridiculous that we can't, like, control the heat in our own apartment.

It's like, we're old enough to drink, we're old enough to chaperone a high

school dance, to vote. Like, that doesn't fucking anything.

But to control your own temperature, no. Some crazy landlord in the sky gets to

do that.

And I was this close to being able to afford the hot dream Q20X space heater.

The one that Drew Barrymore uses. Do you like your credit card statements or

something? I think she's got great taste and, like, a pixie spirit.

Dude, just let me buy it for you. I'm a waitress.

I am for real rich, not too rich.

No, I don't want you to buy it for me. I should be able to buy this stuff for

myself. I mean, it's just hard right now without a job.

I'm a little hard right now.

Okay.

Oh, my God. When were you going to tell me? About what?

About this, Abigail.

The most powerful moment in a woman's life.

Your first gray hair.

No, is it real? Oh, my gosh. No, no, no.

Yes, we enjoyed it.

What happened? Are you guys okay?

Dude, aren't you better at breathing?

I was snuggled under a blanket.

What's going on? Dude, Abby got her first gray hair and you're on flooding

with envy.

Well, you can have it if you want it. God, I wish it were that simple.

Don't you see?

You're becoming a witch. A dope and powerful fucking witch.

Like Dame Judi Dench and Stacey London from What Not to Wear Before You.

You're an ending.

Witches aren't real, you guys.

Okay.

What do you think is happening here?

You think this is all just literal stuff?

Dude, if witches aren't real, then who makes all the kombucha?

And where do scarves come from?

Scarf tree?

There's people that knit all over the place.

You are magical.

It's a swirling chasm of magic.

Okay, I just thought that by the time I'd have gray hair, I'd have, I don't

know, a MacArthur Genius Grand, or at least be posting pictures of...

Akai bowls on my Instagram account.

Acai. Whatever.

Where am I now?

Nowhere. I mean, what do I have?

Nothing. You have gray hair on your head. He's right.

That's something.

First of all, I don't like what's going on with you two.

But you know what? I'm going to take my life into my own hands right now.

I am going to buy that Drew Barrymore space heater with my money that I make

selling my artwork.

Double, double, toil and trouble, fire, burn and cauldron, bubble, boom!

Oh my God, I totally forgot. I have 250 handmade Christmas cards that I was

planning on sending my 250 camp friends. 250 camp friends? But not anymore.

I am selling them. You know what? I am going to set up my table at the Met.

Yes, this is perfect.

Can you set up with me?

Totally. I just have to meet up with my dad for pedicures. Oh, I thought that

you said that you were doing the ice skating with your mom today.

Hold... Family day plan. I just gotta make sure that I find the time for a

powerful genital sneeze. Or four.

Because I'm a cum queen!

I just have to cum sometimes. Like today.

So fucking much. So maybe you guys could get the fuck out so I can jerk off real

quick.

What?

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Am I allowed to behave that way?

Four and three and two and one.

Kanishkowich? Yes, please.

So much better. I think it's warmer out here than it is in my apartment. I can

finally feel my toes.

I love these conditions.

All pressed up on me in that heat. You feel that steam?

So how much do you have to sell to get that space heater?

Well, with the BB&B coupon, it comes to like 69 bucks. Oh, horny number.

Oh, yes, I love it.

All right, got to run to my hair appointment.

Nice to see you. I thought you said you were getting pedicures and going ice

skating with your parents.

Yes, and then haircuts with Elliot. It's kind of like the Wexler's Take

Manhattan. We actually call it that. It's cute.

Yeah, totally.

Hey, new blood. Welcome to the depths. I'm Margo.

Hey. Would you like a hit of some soup? Wow. Homemade lentil. Oh, my goddess.

You two have the same thermos. Oh, wow. That's neat. Same wheelie cart, too.

Oh. Old sisters.

What a hot coincidence. Well, it's actually the only one where the wheels

don't turn square when you roll over.

Oh.

Spooky.

Cute card.

Young Abby, you're going to be a hit here.

Hey, that Marco's a mighty witch.

She nearly gave me a clit throat and buttgasm. I'm a crazy, sick sex addict

like David Duchovny in that show and in real life.

Oh, and you're being really weird. Oh, I gotta run. My annual family massage

appointment. Damn, I am so horned up, dude.

Better jerk off before I get in the subway.

Ew, I wanna chill.

Later, Ab. Super wet.

You must be Ilana Weckler. Come here.

Hi, thanks.

It's a beautiful apartment.

Is this pre-war?

Yeah, I've lived here 50 years.

Wow. There's a lot of history in these walls.

So cozy.

Wow, you can keep the plants alive. You're an adult, huh? Yeah.

Go on in. Don't be shy.

So, Alana, fill me your vulva.

So, basically, I've had more sex than, like, anybody in the entire world. Not

just average sex, but, like, dank 70s porno sex. I can squirt and, like,

spray. I leave a cum trail wherever I go. Kind of like a slutty slug.

Uh-huh. I'm just really on the edge of orgasm at all times.

So then what seems to be your problem today?

It's not my problem. It is my friend Abby's problem. I'm just here for her by

proxy.

She hasn't orgasmed in months.

And she's too embarrassed to come, LOL, here to see you. I just want to help

her be a cum queen like her best friend me is. So your friend hasn't come in

months. And you're here for her.

Exactly.

Okay.

If that's what you want to do.

How's business, young Abby?

Oh, my God.

Um, it's going okay.

I've only made five bucks so far.

Would you like a puff of my wand?

It's pretty magical.

Uh, sure.

Cool wand.

You seem cold.

You know, most people don't realize this, but you lose most of your body

heat from your upper wing area. Wing area? Oh, I just... Oh, wow.

That feels really good, actually. Yeah, thank you. All right, well, holler if

you need anything else.

It's lunchtime.

It is lunchtime.

Hey, same Tupperware.

Oh, yeah, uh, twinsies, I guess.

Beautiful, isn't she?

Straight up gorgeous.

Ilana, I want you to name your vulva.

What about Abby?

All right, Ilana, I want you to have a conversation with Abby.

Tell Abby how you've been feeling lately.

Abby, you've been...

Stubborn lately.

Like withholding. You're so full of shit.

You can't even focus enough to relax.

You're not even a vulva or a vagina.

You're just a butthole that happens to bleed.

I fucking hate you, bitch. Fuck you!

It's okay. It's just the first layer.

Rage. Go deeper. Tell Abby what's in your heart.

Abby, I... I know it's not you. It's me.

I increased my dosage of antidepressants.

And I've also just been more anxious and depressed this whole disgusting, gross

year.

And now I have dead pussy.

Dead pussy.

Dead pussy.

Dead pussy.

It's essentially dead, dead.

Dead pussy.

How about a little hug for the darling? Like a magnet.

Grab him by the pussy.

Grab him by the pussy.

USA! USA!

USA! I won! I won!

Let's go, ladies.

Oh, my God!

Game show president, nutsucker, and chief!

I haven't come since the election!

And come is a lot of who I am. I'm a cop queen.

Good.

Let it out, Alana.

You're not alone.

Orgasms have been down 140% since Trump was elected.

It's been horrible for everyone.

Great for me, though.

I'm technically the only small business owner that that human skin tag has ever

helped.

Betty, can you help me?

Oh.

Oh, um, you have a little... It's a gray.

No, on your nose? Here, take a look.

Oh, it's a lentil. It's a lentil from way...

Earlier. I don't know how that got up there. It's not a word.

Did you really do all of these yourself?

Oh, yes. I'm the artist. I went to this small school called Micah. Get out.

My daughter goes to Micah.

Sorry, but how old are you? I'm 51.

What? Wait, you're 51.

Fuck you. Sorry. I'm so sorry. You're 51 years old? I get that a lot. I'm a

dermatologist. An Upper East Side dermatologist, if you catch my drift.

Yeah, okay. I see.

But what do you mean by that? Let's just say I can get my hands on whatever a

girl needs to stay fresh and young looking.

Botox, fillers, bat feces.

Ew, wait.

Fillers? I tell you what. I'm going to take five stacks of these cards.

My clients are going to love them. Wow, okay.

Cool. That's awesome. That'll be 50 bucks.

And what a deal that's like free.

Yeah, it's nothing for me either.

That's my business card. My office is just around the corner. You know, if

you're ever in the mood to freshen up. Oh, I'm still in my 20s. I mean, the

gray is super premature, and the hunchback is just a scarf to protect my

wing. No pressure.

Okay, thanks.

I went to Micah, too.

You could hear all that?

I think I'm just broken.

You look perfectly healthy to me.

Then why aren't I coming yesterday?

Orgasms are a journey. They start in your mind. You're traumatized by the

fact that a sexual assault bragging steak salesman has become our president.

You need to find a way to rise above it in spite of him.

Look inside yourself.

Wait. God, I'm never going to come again.

It's not going to be easy. Stay in the moment.

Fuck you, Trump.

I'm going back in.

It's not too bad.

Oh, my God.

Abby?

Jeremy?

That was you. Hey, hi.

How's it going, man?

Natalie, this is Abby, my old neighbor.

Hi,

Abby. Nice to meet you. Hi.

And this is Milo.

Yeah.

He adopted us.

Wow. Congrats.

I mean, and you're married. That's awesome.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, we're not married.

She's not my property.

No, yeah.

We're best friends.

Soulmates.

Co-parents.

Oh, um, yeah, obviously not married. Um, this is not what I do for a living. This

is, I lost a bet. So that's why.

Nice cards.

Babe, we should get some. Thank you cards for the Planned Parenthood

fundraiser. Oh my God, that's a great idea.

These are great, Abby.

Thanks. Oh, I guess we need them all.

Uh, how much do you want for all of these? Uh, this, this, like, uh, 80

bucks. Be good? Totally reasonable.

But I love helping struggling artists.

Actually, you know what?

Keep it.

No, I don't. I can't. A hundred bucks?

Okay. I mean, that's a fair price.

God, it's crazy running into you.

Stay warm.

Good to see you. You too, family.

Say bye, my love.

I should be pounding that ass tonight.

Margo, can you watch my stuff first? I got money to spend. Money is a mind

control technique that quantifies the progress of the patriarchy.

Yeah, I'll watch your stuff.

Okay. Thanks.

An average-sized dick.

Yes.

Electron College.

Come on.

That did easy.

Mike.

Tiny hand. Push through.

Tap in.

You are powerful.

You are woman.

Yes. You are cum queen.

Yes. No.

When they go low, we go high.

Women can get stuff done.

He can never, ever take away our coming.

Looking good. Just

let that sink in for a little longer before we hit the other side.

So this is what you use personally to look so young, right? That and 20 of its

cousins. It's hard to be beautiful these days. It is my full-time job, but for

most other women, it's their second.

Full-time job where you're losing money.

Anyway, while you're here, can I do a little peel or... No, I don't need it.

Obviously, your chin is of concern.

I thought I had, like, a reason.

Witherspoon chin.

Or I can make you whiter.

Uh, you know what?

I think that I'm, um, I'm okay. I think I'm good with just this one. This feels

like a big deal. But that first side hasn't settled yet, though. Yeah.

Um, I'm feeling like I made a little bit of a mistake.

Found a gray hair, and then I ran into an ex of mine today, and I think I just

got, like, real swept up in that moment.

Because I actually really like the way that I look. You know, I think I'm

really hot.

Usually. I usually feel super hot.

But thank you so much. You've been so kind to me.

Um, and you know what?

I think you're really beautiful.

And I think that you would be, even if you didn't do any of this crazy shit to

your face.

Oh, no.

I laughed.

Hey, wake up.

You lost a lot of fluids during that humongous orgasm. It's mostly weed, a

little ginger, and some cumin. I feel like that.

I think I'm going to cum again.

The floodgates are open now. You've got a lot of orgasming to do after a year of

related pussy constipation.

I hate to gas and dash, but I want to go tell Abby what Abby accomplished today.

Good. I can't thank you enough for helping me.

Oh, it's happening again.

It's going to be a big one.

I'm going to have to get these rugs cleaned.

Hello? Abby?

Alana? Oh, my God. This timing is weird.

Are you sweating?

What happened to your face?

Well, I ran into Jeremy, and he's, like, married now.

And then there was this dermatologist, and she looked like she was in her 20s,

but she was, like, in her 50s. Hot. And then it just felt like it's cooler to

be, like, hot and young than warm.

But then as the Botox was being injected into my face, I was like, it's cooler to

be warm.

Botox? Abby, what?

Oh, my God. My table's gone.

Oh, my God.

Dude, dude.

Dear young Abby, at the start of the winter solstice tonight, come into the

thicket of the park. You'll know when you've arrived.

God,

that is witchy.

Are you all right?

I'm phenomenal.

So my pussy hadn't popped since the election. What? But Betty coached me

through it. She tapped me into this ferocious...

female current that is just constantly zip zap zopping around the universe like

the speed of light and i bazinga hard oh my gosh

it was just the most incredible thing i saw shit man witches who run the

world and witches aren't monsters they're just women they're fucking women

who who come and giggle and play in the night and that's why everybody wants to

set them on fire because they're so fucking jealous dude i don't know why i

ever doubted you i'm in do

you do you hear that i think

it's this way i've never seen this part of the park before

This is like the Crucible and the Witches of Eastwick and Hillary Clinton

getting caught in the woods.

Ah, come, queen.

Betty!

Young Abby, you found us!

Oh, Anna, maybe we really are witches. Of course we are. We're gigantic,

humongous witches.

Join. Oh, my God. Margaret, you just... You know what?

I've got to go see about a girl.

Please.

Of course, dude. We just have to have each other's backs.

What are you going to do now that you know you have magical powers?

Well, I think I'm going to whip up a spell to get a job.

Good call.

This is so bananas that you got Botox.

Yeah, it is.

But to be for real, I'm like, I would get it if I wanted it at some point in

my life.

Exactly. I also heard about this thing where you can freeze your butt.

They do that?

Apparently it makes it really hard and shiny and grippable. Like a bowling

ball, baby. Yeah.

So what are you doing back there? Because it's just like the one gray,

right? Oh, yeah. Just one.