Original subtitles

You don't even have to take that down. She'll think it's like a kooky necklace

holder or something. She'll never think it's a dill bag. That hurts my heart.

I feel like she's going to know that you made it.

Why? Just because I don't call my mom Abby's mom.

Four and three and two and one.

Then we're going to do frozen hot chocolate.

Cool. And then after that, we're going to visit Santa at Macy's. Totally. And

top it all off with a fancy dinner at Sushi Mambo.

That's a lot of stuff. I like to keep it light and fun with my mom. I mean, she's

kind of conservative. So I appreciate you cutting the cheese.

Cut the cheese? Shit, I haven't said that since like 1997.

Oh, whoa, yes.

Oh, my God. Thank God. I'm so sorry about that.

Woo! Okay.

Back, baby. I'm back.

Yeah, but cut the cheese is excellent.

Thank science for sad lamps. Why don't they just call them happy lamps?

Because, like, sad lamps sound so sad. Oh, it's not like sad. It stands for

seasonal affective disorder, which indicates the annual cycle of depression

that I and others like me experience every winter, all winter, and fall.

And, like, the end of summer, too.

That sadness, you know, that chews us up and fits us out in the black a bit.

Okay, here we go. Oh, wow. There we go.

Banana juice.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

You know, Alana, maybe you just increased your medication. No!

No, I don't need to do that. Because I have been steadily decreasing my dosage

of antidepressants for two years. And I'm supplementing anyway with my sad

lamp. Happy lamp.

Remember that?

And it is working like a charm. Yeah, it seems like it's working. Well.

She'll be okay.

little garbage pail girl.

Okay, it was just a phase.

A couple years.

Gosh, everything looks so clean.

It's basically just some glue, toothpicks, and little designs. I wanted

you to see what kind of cheese it was. It's not a big deal. It's a very big

deal. You are so creative.

I'm so proud of you living as an artist in your perfect apartment in the big

city.

So what are we going to do today?

Well, you know, I would love to take you to my studio space, but I'm actually

renting it out.

So, Fee is the name of the artist that I'm renting it to, Sophie.

She is just, like, she's super funky.

How do we need to be honest with each other?

Yeah, you know, she's not that funky. She's, like, pretty mainstream. Stop. I

meant me. I need to be honest with you.

Okay. I had a lump in my breast.

A big one. Mom, what? No, but it's benign. If I had cancer, I would let you

know. But I didn't want to worry you.

Um, okay. I mean, I guess I understand that.

Is it still so upsetting like you had to go through all this? No, it's not

upsetting. It's good.

Because it made me realize all the things I still want to do.

I've never, um, had a martini.

I never went to a play at night. At knees.

I've never had a pineapple barbecue pizza thing from Hawaii.

I've never gone without underwear.

I want to wear clothes meant for black women.

That's an interesting one. And I would really love to have one, like, naughty

girl's night out with you. Could we do that?

Yeah. Did you call me?

Bevers! No!

What?

Bevers, Jesus.

Okay, well.

Sorry, I thought you called me. When do I ever call you?

Anyway, who's this lovely creature?

I'm Joanne.

Joanne, I'm Matthew. Or Abby's mom is how you should introduce yourself.

Okay,

Bevers, if you could put clothes on or stay in your room.

Joanne, until next time.

Yes. Until next time. Your scarf.

Thanks.

Cute.

Mom. Burry little bear.

Bonjour.

Listen up, hunty.

It's that time of year.

Spring cleaning. Come on, Marcel.

Please. What do you mean, spring cleaning? Well, I know we normally pull

our tips, but tonight...

It's winner takes all.

As in, she who makes the most tips gets all the damn tips.

And whoever makes the least amount of tips, your ass will be fired.

I owe so much money to that many bad people. I'll need two weeks because I

have to relocate. You are all enemies now.

That's all.

Have you guys ever fallen asleep here and just spent the night?

If you ever have to, it's surprisingly not soul-crushing.

You know what would be really nice?

I was thinking maybe we could split an app or like get a charcuterie plate, but

I don't think we need to do anything too crazy.

The dress.

A-da-boom, Marcel.

Smells like a winning kind of night, baby.

I'm glad you think so, kind of, Thea.

Oh, and here is my best friend and her mother.

They are my lucky charms, if you think.

Oh, keep them close.

You're going to need them.

Here's my favorite ass.

Joanne. Look at you, Joanne.

Oh, my.

Hey, girl.

Hello, Mama.

You look so hot. Your body is amazing, dude.

Really? You are an anal.

Abby's mom, I'd like to friend.

Oh. Friend.

Friend. Yeah, friend.

Please friend. Yeah. Well, let me take you to your table before I do some

really weird. Table.

It has a subtle balance of foie gras and seaweed.

That's it.

Okay. Any questions?

Oh.

What is good to drink here?

Oh, there's an espresso matcha tea if you want to get a little buzzy. What is

that? Oh, this is the Mambotini. It's our signature cocktail.

It has alcohol in it.

Mom, do you want to get those?

Okay. Oh, my gosh, bad girl.

Let's do shots.

I have never done that.

Okay, yeah, let's do shots, I guess.

Talking about them bad, bad girls.

These are our infamous sake rosé shots.

I'll be back in a little bit.

Well, you know, I don't think I've had hard liquor since I got

pregnant with you.

Wow.

Okay, well, let's do it, right? Yeah.

Did you finish it?

Why do people do this?

I don't think anyone knows. It's a mystery.

Let's do another one.

Okay.

Our signature sushi fondue. And for the blonde pixie spirit, a pork belly handle

to start.

Well, you all look like you have money to burn and machismo to measure.

So let me let you know about our award-winning caviar.

Let's just say they eat Sushi Mambo caviar in Michelin.

You know, I never tried it. The caviar, obviously.

We're only allowed to eat family-style meals here.

Like pigs eating slop out of a trough at a country fair.

Being measured for our weight in bacon.

Please work. Please work. Please work.

Please work.

Please work. Please work.

Please. Abigail?

It's as bright as it was before. I'm not feeling it. Oh, it's pretty fucking

bright. It's just not doing it for me, man. I can't get the juice. What

about... Oh, yeah.

Oh, keep her coming. Oh, my God. That is amazing.

Jeez.

Oh, that's good.

As of an angel, mind of mental health.

MacGyver, thank you. Oh, that was incredible. I'm good.

Awesome. Great. What's up? You want to get weird?

Okay, no.

Listen, my...

Apparently had a lump in her breast and she didn't tell me about it. It's fine

now. It's fine.

But it, like, really scared the shit out of me. And so tonight she wants to have,

like, a fun night. Like, a really fun night. She wants more than that. The

blue dress.

Talk about lumped, girl. I know. I didn't ever think my mom was hot.

I did.

Cool. I know. I have a time of the classic for you.

You imagine?

Really know your way around that stuff, huh?

Not really.

Okay. I smoke, like, sometimes.

All right, I smoke. I smoke a lot.

Okay, are you ready?

Okay. I'm going to light it, and you're going to take a gasp like Dad after you

get back together.

Not that I think about that at night.

Okay, are you okay? Are you okay?

My head feels like a balloon.

It's like one of those allergy commercials.

Mom, you're high.

You know who else I think smokes a lot of this? Who?

Charlie Rose.

Oh, my God. And that voice.

And the way he shoots the show like he's in a black hole.

There's no wall.

Right. It's just a table. God, I would not want to fuck him.

Dude.

I don't think I've ever heard you say fuck like that before.

Well, there it is.

It's so funny for you to call me a dude.

Well, not like a dude, just like dude.

Like anyone can be a dude. It's just like a friend thing.

Aw, well then, cool dude.

Cool.

You're getting good.

I feel like that's good. I feel like that's good to start. I'll just do one

more on our way back. Oh.

Juicing, juicing, juicing.

Let me tell you something.

Life is trash.

It just tastes better. It just tastes better, right?

I'm hot.

I'm hot.

Oh, my God.

How are you? I'm fine.

I just want to ask you a question.

How many men have you slept with?

Whoa. Okay.

I don't know if I want to like... No, I'm just curious.

I have no idea what people do these days.

Fuck. Okay.

We're being honest.

I'm just going to do it. We're going to go there and we're going to do it right

now. 32.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Wow.

I had three.

I've slept with three my whole life, 55 years.

Paul Cafferty, my first boyfriend, who I think was gay anyway, your father, and

now Neil.

Okay, cool. My husband, Neil. You are married. Well, we haven't made love in

over a month. And if we're being honest, it's more like making like.

And I just wish I would have fucked up a little more.

I wish I would have fucked a little more.

Oh. You know, I never had sex with a man who didn't speak English.

Not even an ESL guy.

You know, I've never even had anal sex.

Not even a finger.

It's not really something you can ask for.

Well, you just have to actually just ask for it.

Oh, Mom, it's okay. I understand.

No, it's fine. It's okay.

Last week, I penetrated myself with a bottle of cough syrup.

Okay.

Get out of the way!

Come on!

It's me.

Dude, your tinfoil broke.

Okay, dude, my mom just told me she's, like, really sexually frustrated and

that she fucked a bottle of cough syrup last week.

I'm like, I don't know if I can, like, handle this level of honesty.

I'm like, is this what being an adult is? This is terrifying.

Wait, are you really, really, really, really sad? Are you alright?

That is so sad. Okay.

What do you need from me? Okay. What do you need? Bulbs.

Bulbs? Okay.

Oh, that is some pathetic shit.

Okay, found a dude. Okay, give me $10,000.

Okay, I got it. Hang on, dude. Here we go.

Okay. Okay, here we go.

Serotonin rising.

Dopamine slowing.

what kind of strong island honkies you brought up in here, Vittania.

But this is not Billy Joel's go-to Dave and Buster's, okay?

I'm sorry, Marcel.

I wasn't on top of it, and I just don't care.

I'm feeling really depressed from the winter, and I'm just numb.

Do what you gotta do. I honestly don't give a shit.

You should fire me. Oh, okay. You're playing me right now, ain't you?

Marcel, seriously, take my tips. Do whatever you got to do. Oh, please.

Man, you are a career hustler. Whatever it is you're doing is working on me. You

know what? I want you to kick fuck me. Get in there.

Go on.

Wait a minute.

Are you for real?

Mm-hmm.

Fuck it. I'll fire Owen.

Owen's a terrible waiter.

I don't care about waiting. He's rich. His family's rich.

He'll be fine.

But this depression shit.

That's next-level bitchy.

I'm kind of digging it. My dick is a little bit hard.

I hope you never get better.

Thanks.

Drama in the alley.

Mom! Mom!

Oh, my God, Mom!

Stop it!

Abby, go!

Are you kidding me right now? Stop it! Oh!

Fist lock again?

Ha!

I need to go back to med school and rehab.

Owen. Owen.

Owen, you're fired.

Marcel.

I blew you, dude.

Anne. Fuck this.

I'm out.

I kissed a bisexual man with tongue.

Okay. You're so good, Joanne.

Sushi Mamba. Always celebrating cultural fluid exchanges.

Dad. Oh.

Excuse me?

My mother is Aisha Johnson.

So that... Yes.

You are my father.

Uh-huh.

Well, your ass is fired, too.

I don't work with family.

I should just up my medication in the winter.

You know, I was trying to decrease to be, like, pure and strong or something,

but that's shame and stigma right there.

So I get sick sometimes and need medicine. Who cares?

That's awesome, dude.

I found one.

Ooh, that's pretty.

That is a good one. It's a good one.

Whoa.

So I just wanted to offer you this mom pack. It's really popular among your

demographic. She doesn't need a mom pack.

She's a city girl now.

But thank you.

Whoa.

You know what that slut would love? Okay, let's stop calling her that. You

should love that. I do.

Okay.

That.

Yes.

Mom, you're going to love that. You deserve the best.

But hand wash it only.