All language subtitles for Broad City 402

Do you think I should keep my bangs
thrown out long or cut them like Amelie

style? Keep them grown out. More witchy.
Bangs thrown out are witchy? Yeah, but

that's a good thing. Huh. Witch it is
fucking hot dog.

Hot dog.

So, you're going to head inside right
here. Judy's going to be in there to

greet you and help you fill out all your
paperwork.

And remember, you are a strong queen.

Your body, your choice.

Simple.

They're God's children.

You don't know how much you need that.

You need to kill.

So what else is witchy?

Clogs, long nails, short nails, too.

Huh. Clutes?

Yeah, clutes. Huh.

Why are we doing this?

Four and three and two and one.

How's it going?

Got one?

Go away.

Oh, my man!

Abs?

Dara, hey.

I was just checking on the chair, making
sure the height was right. Got the

cappuccino, collated the logos for your
3 p.m. And what about the cat food?

Yeah, cat food right over here. Totally
organic.

Also, okay.

So I had a couple, three hours last
night. Did some mock-ups for the

brochures. What about the kitty litter?

Yeah, I thought I'd put everything over.
I mean, is it organic?

Is it? I didn't know that the kitty
litter could be organic as well.

Yeah.

Well, I have enough kitty litter for
today, but... Please pick up some

tomorrow? First thing.

All right.

Right on.

Hey, ask who? Yeah. Did you get her
moccasins back from the cobbler?

Right. So the front pair, they're still
working on the beadwork. Veer pair is

all done.

Both sets should be finished by the time
Amanda's out of the fall weekend.

You know what? I'm going to call right
now. I'm going to be like, hey, guys,

get your shit together.

Thank you.

I love my new job.

Hello? Hey, I've got a package here for
Abby Abrams' soul dice, but they're

telling me you don't work here anymore,
yo. Um, yeah, no, I'm at a new job.

It must have been shipped to my default
address.

Is there any way that you can ship it to
my new address?

Nah, I could have it destroyed or taken
to our distribution center on North

Brother Island. No, no, no, no, no,
please don't do that.

You know, leave it, leave it. I will
come and get it. Okay.

Great.

What about my fellow Ashkenazi Jew?

Emergency, dude. Okay, so I accidentally
sent a package to Solstice.

Oof. I know. Can you do me a huge, huge
favor and go pick it up for me? I can't

go back there.

Why not? Because you crushed Ray and
fully disrespected his existence? Or

because you staged your own publisher's
clearinghouse at the gym?

It was Powerball, but both.

Oh, right.

Are you eating a baked potato?

Well, it's cut in half, so it's a lunch
potato and a dinner potato.

Anyway,

I would go to Solstice, but I can't. I
have that interview finally that Jaime

hooked me up with.

So freaking broken.

So broke.

I guess I could make up a lie and get
out of work.

Well, good luck, my witch. Keep me
posted.

Bye.

Hey, Dara.

Um, I just found out my parents are
getting divorced.

Wow. Yeah, um, yeah. I think I need to
take an emergency therapy

session today.

Oh, like now?

Yeah, today.

All right. You go take care of this.

Thank you. Thank you for being so honest
about your need for mental health.

You're not open.

Get out. My name's Alana Wexler. I have
an interview about the waitressing job.

Oh, you're friends with the little
Guatemalan boy.

What are you, 5'2"? 5'1 1⁄2". I'm sorry.

Okay.

So, you waited tables in Long Island?
Yes, but Dumper's Post was way more

sophisticated than it sounds.

I also served at the Golden Heirloom, a
home for the elderly.

I would bird feed them tapioca. Wait,
stop. Listen.

The only way to make it in the world of
Manhattan restauranteries is to be a

queen of mean. And I can already tell
you, you don't have it. Look, why don't

you go work in a Connecticut muffin,
honey?

And when you turn into a Connecticut
cunt muffin, you can come back to

Sishimamba. Okay?

Great.

Be gone. Get your shit. Okay. All right.

You know what?

You're a general manager at a restaurant
with a B health grade, so maybe you want

to drop the fucking attitude.

And just because Sex and the City filmed
here 25 years ago one time doesn't mean

that I need this.

So fuck you and your Manhattan
restauranteries.

You're hired.

Just get in and get out.

Hey, I'm looking for a package. This
isn't a post office. This is a gym for

people to work out.

Yeah, I know what a gym is.

Can you just look for a package for
Abby? I used to work here. My name is

Abby Abrams.

Piece of work.

No, I wouldn't recommend steroids for
you yet.

But we'll see where we want to go. You
want to get really big where you can

lift a dancer?

We might think about it.

Okay.

Nice grip, Shania. You're getting
strong.

That forearm's good.

Shania, wait.

Hey. Alana, it's me. Okay, I'm at
Solstice.

And you will never guess who is training
her today.

Canadian queen of country pop, Shania.

Tween, dude.

Okay, cool.

Alana.

Yes. Hey, I think you have bad service
because it just... No, I hung up on you.

Dude, you cannot keep lying about this
Shania shit. It's getting weird.

She is here. I just saw her.

Abby, you're a fucking liar.

Whoa, Alana, Jesus.

Sorry, I'm training for my new job as a
bitch waitress and I'm getting really

good at it.

But listen, you lied to quit Solstice.
You lied to get out of work today.

And your most egregious lie was Shania,
because that was to me.

You're my pretty little liar, and that's
the truth.

Okay, well, you know what?

I'm going to prove it to you. I'm going
back in.

I hope you mean go to therapy, because
this lie is getting tragic.

Love you. Yeah, I love you, too.

This is so hard.

Okay, we're just warming up your wrist,
Shania. You've got this, all right?

Okay, okay.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

ow Lady was trying to take a picture of
Shania.

Oh.

At ease, Maria.

Shania, take five.

How about 15? I'm going to hit the
smoothie bar.

Man, I feel like a smoothie.

Okay, Trey, I can explain what's
happening. No, I know why you're here.

Closure. Came to talk about what
happened with us.

No, I accidentally sent a package to the
front desk.

Yet. Oh, but Trey, I texted you a bunch
of times and you didn't respond, so I

just figured that you did not want to
see me again.

I just wasn't ready to talk yet.

But before I knew it, you quit because
you won Powerball.

I didn't win Powerball.

Yeah, I know. That's why I did this.
They're called air quotes.

Does everybody know?

I think so. Air quotes are pretty big
now.

Okay, well, listen, I'm trying to be a
better person now, and that's why,

actually, I was taking the secret pics
of Shania.

Oh, Abby, I think that headlock really
messed you up. No, okay, okay.

I have been lying about training Shania
Twain for, like, years.

And I was just trying to prove that she
was here, and then it would be true or

something. I don't know. I mean, just
let me take one pic.

Abby. Okay, Trey, just listen.

Let me train her with you. Okay. I could
be your goose.

Do not bring up Top Gun right now.

I need to be honest now. Let me, just
let me do this, please.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but
okay, you can train her with me.

But I gotta warn you, she has a
naturally gorgeous body, incredible

genes, so she does not like to work out.
It is a real challenge.

I knew Top Gun was...

Don't expect anyone to learn your name.

That's Parker.

Call him Mini-Me, because he wants to be
me so bad.

That's Kara.

Call her The Wall.

Drake texts her. She doesn't text back.

That's Owen.

Call him Valtrax. He has herpes.

It's okay.

Most people have herpes.

That's Brenda.

Shouldn't have a nickname.

Wouldn't allow it.

Seniority. Came with the building.

If you're the right fit, your nickname
will find you.

I'm putting you in section eight
tonight.

And one last thing.

Don't fuck it up.

You got it. You got it, ma'am.

Hey, Shania, this is Abby.

Hi, Shania.

Fine. Hi. You have no idea how many
times I have said that this has

happened. Okay, let's work out. All
right? Let's go, girls.

All right, strong core. Nice.

Mm-hmm. Great. It looks great, Shania.
Great. Keep those hips back. Nice.

Can we stop?

I just honestly want to go home and
watch Friends. Oh, love Friends.

I'm such a Chandler. I'm so wrong. Total
Rachel.

Little Gunther, also.

No, I'm a little bit Phoebe.

Trey, you have to do the Ross
impression.

No. Please. No.

Come on, I want to see it.

If you do it, I'll do the climber.

Fine by me.

You know what?

You owe me a stair climber, so let's
move, okay?

You owe us a climber.

Come on.

What the patini?

Oh, if you have to ask.

Probably not for uni.

No, I know.

We'll have eight.

I'm so sorry. We do not accept Medicaid.

How dare you?

We want your most expensive entrees. Did
you two take the bridge or the tunnel to

get here today?

My dad owns H&M.

We'll take one of everything, you whore.

Pleasure, bitch.

God, what are you doing? This isn't you.

You lift people up. You don't tear them
down.

Hmm.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

Marcel, um, I'm really struggling to be
mean. This just isn't me.

Wow. I have to quit.

Oh. You dropped your scarf.

Brenda,

oh my God, I'm so sorry. Don't touch me.

Why?

Why me?

Brenda, I'm so sorry.

You did it on purpose, you bitch.

You almost had me fooled.

Marcel, no, it was an accident,
obviously.

Doing bodily harm.

No, I did not. You're a regular Tanya
Harden.

I think we found your nickname.

Other Tanya.

Perfect. Get away from me.

Strap on your strap on. Lace up your
skates.

Because it's time to dirge.

I'm upgrading you.

To section two.

Fine, I'm in.

But this time...

I'm doing it my way.

All right, we're going to finish up with
some bungee flies. You want to demo?

Yeah, okay.

Step in, step in.

You kind of do a little squat here.

And you just crunch it up like this.

Abby,

you know what?

Let me do that. Let's switch up.

Yeah, okay. I just think seeing it from
this angle might be a little bit safer.

So you're going to keep your feet
shoulder width apart. Squeeze your arms

together. Really squeeze in that chest,
okay?

Squeeze and hold.

Squeeze and hold.

Get some blood flowing.

Nice and fast, then. You feel it? I feel
it. Oh, Shania! Hey, Shania!

Twain, we're going to cool down. Ready
for a cool down? Stretch and be cool.

Yeah, let's stretch you out. We're going
to do an assisted scorpion stretch, so

why don't you hop on the mat? I forgot
how to do that.

Why don't the two of you show me? Sure.

Abby, you want to...

Hop on the mat there and I'll just
stretch out just totally I

Know that's your go-to, but it's
actually on your back Get down on your

back We're just gonna do a nice stretch
of your hamstrings and your glutes such

as you're gonna want to breathe into the
stretch Okay

Okay. I'm sorry.

Is that good? Okay, yeah, that's good.
Okay, hot.

Oh, my gosh!

Okay.

I'm just going to go use the bathroom,
and I'll be right back. Okay, BRB.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Let's... Let's dish.

Okay.

So, what's going on between you two
co-eds, anyway?

What do you mean?

I mean sex.

Not all Canadians are prudes, you know.
Yeah.

Okay, we had a thing.

For sure, but it's over.

You're lying.

What? I can tell. Listen, I'm a maker of
love songs.

A chanteuse.

I can smell that there's chemistry
between you guys.

When there's a spark, you gotta ride it.

Yeah, damn.

That's a good lyric.

When there's a spark, you gotta ride it.

Don't hide it.

Fuck,

I'm good.

Trey.

Abby.

Say it. Abby, we can't do this again.

Say it, Trey.

Just say it once.

Bazinga.

You're a good witch, not a bad witch.

Can I interest anybody in a cognac? This
is a cognac and sake cocktail.

Is it good?

Your eyes are standing.

I'll take it. Pick up, body, please. You
can use a little more cushion for the

cushion. You're right. We'll have three
wasabi food plates, which I don't have.

Ah, bonsoir.

Are you guys high on weed?

I'm getting you 17 spicy escargot
wontons, dad. Thank you so much, Tim

Foyle.

She don't play them games with me.

I don't like what they're doing. We
gotta go somewhere else. I'm sorry. I'm

sorry. Yeah.

Okay. All right. All right. She don't
play them games with me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is this your day? We gotta go somewhere
else. This is gross. Okay.

Okay. Wait. Uh-oh.

Where are the Tanya?

Looks like you skipped the gold and went
straight for the green.

I didn't even have to be mean. I made
$800.

Contraculation.

Okay, y'all.

I'm off to bring the leftover food to
the homeless of New York City.

Marcel, that's unbelievable. That is so
sweet.

J.K., Miss Thing, I'm going to a party
at Andy Cohen's place.

See you hookers tomorrow.

Bye, Marcel.

Good night, Dad.

What'd you say?

Well... The reason why I took this job
was because I wanted to reconnect with

my father.

Bye, guys. Text it!

They said I'll be... Oh, ow, ow, ow, my
dick. Oh, ow, I think I broke my dick.

Okay, okay, uh, uh, Shania?

You called, can you call 911?

Yeah, his dick is definitely broken.

I'll figure it out.

It's your standard penile fracture.

We may have to operate.

Sorry, ma'am.

Ma'am?

No, no, I said ma'am. Oh, okay, cool.
Thanks, doctor. Oh, I'm not a doctor.

Okay.

I'm so, so sorry.

No, come on. It's not your fault.

No, I shouldn't have come in today. This
is a mistake.

Are you kidding?

I'm so glad you came back.

Yeah? We should have kept it like that.

You know?

Physical.

Yeah, but when there's a spark, you
gotta ride it. I mean, who knows?

I think we do know, Abby.

I mean, you're not the relationship
type, right?

Yeah, totally.

Yeah. You're single, Abby, and that's
cool.

Independent woman.

Respect. Mad respect.

Yeah.

Goodbye, Abby.

Mike. Yeah?

Let me get your number.

Okay. Because I am a relationship gal.

Fully.

So this is Shania and I doing partner
heel tap.

This one is Shania's feet under the
bathroom stall. She wasn't even peeing.

She was just watching an episode of
Scandal.

Congratulations. You trained Shania.

I know.

I'm really feeling like honesty.

is the best policy.

It's the foundation of any long-term
relationship, you know?

Ours?

Yeah, totally.

But I was talking about Mike and I.

Who? Mike, the paramedic I met tonight,
who I'm now dating.

Totally, totally.

Yeah. You know, I'm pretty impressed
with a four-year supply of plant B.

Yield. You need it, we have it.
Incredible. If I need it, we have it.

And if we ever have any other female
friends.

We will get it. It's available to them.
Yeah.

If you fucking throw up in my mouth, I
will kill you. And I'll move, and it'll

really break your dick off. All right, I
won't do it. What? If I move right now,

I have total control.

Okay, you got it.

You win.