Original subtitles

Another one bites the dust. The New York City snipper is at it again this

morning, snipping women's ponytails.

Oh, God.

Hey, I got it. Hey.

Oh, wow. Thank you. No worries.

That just happened to me.

Oh, no. Now you can't get through.

Oh, you know what? It's all good. Go, go, go, go, go. Hey, come back.

Stop.

Oh,

you're hitting me.

Thanks again for swiping me in. Oh, you're welcome, ma'am.

Donald Trump will be president!

No!

Well, thanks again for sweating being up there. Yeah, you got it.

Um, I'm Abby.

I'm Alana.

I'm Robert.

Hey, Robert.

Hey!

Four and three and two and whoop whoop!

Oh,

God, I guess I'm just not gonna go to work.

Can't you just go in, like, a little bit late?

No, I forgot to lock up last night, so then I was supposed to get there five

minutes early this morning to fake lock up.

It didn't happen to me. The best thing to do right now is smoke a lot of pot.

I mean, I was just going to go to Bed Bath & Beyond, but I could definitely do

that high.

That's cool.

You know, I could smoke you up.

Yeah, I thought that's what you meant.

Can I give you this money? This is what you made today. Oh, don't even worry

about it. I'm just a silly upper middle class NYU bitch. I wouldn't take money

from you. I go to NYU too, Tisch School, performing arts. We all do.

Tishies, congrats.

All right, I'll take 20.

Whoop, now you're all wet, even though I know you were.

Never get wet.

And now I got you all riled up.

I love my life.

Do you like Four Loko?

Whoop! Now you're all wet.

Even though I know you were already.

No!

Is your symbol of masculinity a bubble gun?

Good luck living the rest of your life.

all night where I work, and they fired me.

Come on, dude. Fuck Grey Dog. I hate that fucking place. Dude, I love Grey

Dog. I mean, I'm sure the one that you work at sucks.

The one on Carmine is, like, amazing. The staff is so sweet. Dude, that's

where I work.

Dude, I'm in there, like, every day. Dude, how have we not seen each other?

Dude, this is insane.

Oh, my God, dude.

Okay, well, listen, if you need a new job, my friend Morgan just got me this

sick catering gig, and it's not just opened up because some guy just OD'd.

Dude.

So good like that. Why do you straighten it?

Because I look like a true Jew if I don't straighten.

Not necessarily a bad thing.

You wouldn't know.

No, I'm Jewish.

Not full.

Yeah, I'm completely Jewish.

Check the records. How about mitzvah?

Did you go work then?

No. I can't believe it.

Listen, I think you look like you have like a Rosie Perez vibe going if you

poofed it up. What? Okay.

Now I'm doing it like this every freaking day for the rest of my life,

dude. Plus, it'll save me two hours every morning so I'll never be late for

work again. Bonus, Jonas!

Would you and I get breakfast? I'm starving.

Oh, my God, I thought you'd never ask. Yes, I'm starving, too.

Jinx coming.

Come on.

Sorry, hopefully they'll be out soon.

Oh, thanks.

What happened?

He took my pony.

Yeah.

Oh.

Ilana, are you kidding me?

Is that the Kenyan hazelnut?

You're fired.

Are you serious?

completely fired.

Fine. God.

But I'm at least entitled to my one free coffee a day for employees.

You made that up. There is no one free coffee a day for employees. You're just

a thief.

Wow. Did you just call me a queef? That's sexual harassment. Get out.

Go.

Fine.

Yeah, I'm so excited. First week in New York. I love this city.

Are you home?

Is this the famous Abby Abrams?

Fierce do.

You must be Matt.

All my friends call me Bevers.

Nice to meet you, Bevers.

Nice to meet you, Abby.

Ever since Melanie got a job at the law firm, it's like I never see her.

I almost forgot what it's like to have a roommate.

Well, don't get ahead of yourself. It's not like I'm moving in or anything.

I've been looking for places all week.

I've got to find something by the weekend, for sure.

You know, in the meantime, make yourself at home.

And I just went food shopping. I'm going to make you a snack plate.

Are you sure? I mean, I don't want to be an imposition around here or anything.

No, it's fine. I mean, I can't eat a whole wedge of cheese on my own.

Okay. Can I give you money?

No. Come on.

Okay. I mean, if you ever want me to do chores around here or anything...

Listen, I'm the host. You're the guest.

I want to make my host feel comfortable, so as a guest, the rules of the house

are I never pay for food, I never do chores. Is that correct?

No, that'd be weird.

Okay.

Got it.

Hey, Madison.

Hey.

Ew, I am having, like, salty.

wet diarrhea of a fucking day.

What's going on with you guys?

Uh, we're actually having our weekly suite meeting.

Why would you have a suite without me?

Okay. Um, we should just go on with it even though she's here.

Um, Elizabeth Bootenbates, will you please resume the PowerPoint?

Ew.

Number 27. You call all of us Madison. What are you talking about, Madison?

Right, that is rude.

I acknowledge that is rude.

Parker Lexman.

The wall.

What wall?

The wall of graphic pornography above your bed.

Oh, come on. I contribute a lot of culture to this suite.

You're always making us watch videos of animals having sex with people.

Oh, my God, again. I showed you one video. Many times. Of a man fighting for

the sensual pleasure of his life, only to die later from internal bleeding.

It's Mr. Hand.

It's literally bestiality, and it is literally a crime to watch.

I see.

Because if it were a lady horse and a man, no one would have a problem with

it. They can get fucking married, for all I care.

But gay dudes can't get married yet, huh? Gay dudes can't get married, so a

horse dude and a dude dude cannot fuck.

Jessica Merkel Keller.

Jesus.

We know this one is just mean.

But when your hair is curly, it looks like pubes.

You're a fucking bitch, but I'll go over it with the iron again.

Again, I love your hair curly. Thank you so much.

Yeah. Okay, okay. If you had to be a throuple with any current couple, who

would you pick?

Michelle and Barack Obama, hands down. Yes. They are so hot as a couple and as

the leaders of the free world. I mean, I'm so relieved that we have a hot black

guy as president. I mean, I feel like we're finally moving forward. And it's

just the beginning. I mean, never backwards.

Only forward. Next is a woman. Woo!

And so, finally, that brings us to the three... Principles of natural

collection. These are in your textbook, but I just outlined them here.

Variations, readability, and... Hi.

I know that you get kicked in the face by a subway performer again.

And now we're going to open the floor to some of our presentation.

Are you doing your presentation?

What presentation?

Ilana Wexler.

Jaime, can you pull the fire alarm again?

I really want to, but I'm trying to become a citizen one day. It's illegal.

I understand.

Alana Wexler.

Yes, Professor.

I am present and attending.

Professor,

I... Is this French?

Glasses on, phones off, please.

Take an emergency in 30 seconds.

Welcome to my lecture.

The day is Thursday.

The time is 1 o'clock.

Got to stop you there. It's Friday, and it's 4 p.m., but please continue.

I stand corrected.

We shall commence our lecture presentation right

now.

White humans able to the bone.

Ms. Buxler.

We've gone over this.

This is not fish.

Yeah, you made that very clear the day you took my djembe away.

You'll get that back at the end of the semester.

There's a sinkhole in my hometown.

My house is gone.

Yes, girl, thank you.

I'm serious, you bitch!

Well, let's move on to the next presentation.

Alana, you can actually go if you like.

Really, I'd love to workshop. It's for the best.

Have you ever known a psychic before?

No, but I've always wanted to.

Ten bucks.

Do you want to do it? Yes!

Okay. It's the best day.

Welcome.

Hi. I'm Oda.

I possess the gift.

Um, hi.

We're interested in... Oh, I know.

I possess the gift.

Oh, she's good.

I'm feeling you girls are new friends.

We are.

Oh,

I'm sorry.

Indigestion.

So, as I was saying... Prophecy.

You're gonna die today.

We are so not...

So not. I mean, what, are we going to listen to her? She's eating a burrito

bowl.

You know, it's like, it could inspire us to live like we're going to die

tomorrow. Like, imagine if we did something crazy. I don't know. Yeah,

okay. What if we got a tattoo?

I mean, that's, like, really big and permanent.

It's cool.

I have always wanted to get one.

But I don't know, then you can't be buried in the cemetery and the whole

thing. Yeah, but that's just for Jewish people. Yeah, I'm Jewish. Remember? I

told you.

I thought you were joking.

No, I'm not kidding.

Oh!

Did you see that?

The guy with the bike!

Help!

Hey! Oh! Hey! Hey!

Give me the bag!

Hey!

I always wanted a tattoo, but I can't think of anything that I care that much

about.

Except... Oh, shit!

Okay.

I can't believe she's ending her show, though. I mean, like, what are we all

going to do?

Probably watch the Oprah Winfrey Network.

Okay.

Wow, you're doing good. Okay.

This pizza place on Orchard and Delancey is my favorite. Plus, sometimes they

give me free pizza. I don't know that spot, but I always smoke on the median

of that intersection because when a cop sees me, I just throw my bowl into

traffic. You throw a glass bowl into traffic? Oh, yeah.

Done and done.

What?

So, my roommate's boyfriend is staying with us? How long?

She didn't say.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not liking this. This don't look good. This don't smell good, baby.

He sounds like a freeloading bag of trash. Bitch!

I mean, I barely said anything about him. I haven't even met him yet. No. You

gotta call your roommate, write the fuck now, and nip this in the ass before he

pulls squatter's rights on you.

Yeah, okay.

Nip it in the ass? Is that the thing?

Yeah, nip it in the ass.

Okay.

Hey, Melody, it's me.

Um, I just want to call real quick and tell you that... I'm really not

comfortable with Matt staying any longer than this week.

And she should wake up with him.

For real, like, it just doesn't feel right, and it's not what I signed up

for.

Okay. Oh, my God.

That'd be perfect. That's amazing. Thank you so much for being...

So open-minded for listening to me and hearing me. I really thought that this

would be harder, and this is amazing. We're really communicating.

Okay, yeah. I'll see you soon. Bye.

Dude. Oh, my gosh.

That was so good, girl. That was amazing.

Good job, dude. You killed that. Thank you so much. I never would have done

that.

You were great.

The funnest day.

I know, me too.

It was the best. It was.

Would you ever want to hang out again?

Like, tomorrow?

I would love that.

Yeah? My new friend.

Go.

You're the girl that swiped me in this morning.

That is so weird.

Yeah, that's nuts.

Hey. Hey.

How was your day?

Uh, well, I just bought three slices of pizza that I'm going to eat myself.

So, pretty much sums it up. Gotcha. Yeah. How was your day?

You know, terrible.

Terrible day.

I'm sorry.

Doing a hit?

Yeah. That'd be awesome.

Thanks.

Cool pipe.

Got it on McDougal.

Want some pizza?

Oh, my God, I would love some.

Okay, well, I have to run back over to the pizza shop because I bought these

three for me.

We're stuck.

Yeah, yeah.

That's amazing.

I need it today. I know exactly what you mean.

Whoa, look.

Wet cement.

You never see that.

Oh, my God.

We should press our breath into it.

That feels... I mean, we could just write our names, right?

Classy. Yeah.

Whoa. Okay.

This is amazing.

Happy with an eye.

A lot of with an eye.

It's really nice to meet you. Yeah, you too.

You're going to take a walk?

Yeah, I'd like that.

So, what's with the black eye?

You know, I'm a supporter of the arts. I'm an artist.

How so?

Yeah, that's what I do.

You know, you look... Like an artist who says, your haircut, did you get it cut

today? Oh, no.

I mean, in a way, I did.

I love it. Yeah.

You know what I've been thinking about lately?

What? I'm so, like, stupid, but... Why can't you get it except for 11 a.m.? I

think about that all the time. Are you serious?

Yesterday morning, I go in at, like, 12.30 to my fucking bodega, and I'm

like... Hey, I want a bacon and cheese because that's my fucking jam.

Duh, bitch.

Duh, bitch. Duh, bitch. Duh, bitch. In the morning, and I'm like, I want to

give you money. You have it. I see all the ingredients.

Nuts.