All language subtitles for [nYoETtrk0Hw].en

WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW. [cheering]

WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW. [cheering]
MY NAME IS JOHN STEWART. WELCOME

MY NAME IS JOHN STEWART. WELCOME

MY NAME IS JOHN STEWART. WELCOME
EVERYBODY. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. CLASS

EVERYBODY. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. CLASS

EVERYBODY. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. CLASS
IS IN SESSION EVERYBODY.

IS IN SESSION EVERYBODY.

IS IN SESSION EVERYBODY.
[cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering]
>> Got a great show for you tonight. Former

>> Got a great show for you tonight. Former

>> Got a great show for you tonight. Former
Wisconsin DNC chair Ben Wickler is going

Wisconsin DNC chair Ben Wickler is going

Wisconsin DNC chair Ben Wickler is going
to be here later. He has a plan to save

to be here later. He has a plan to save

to be here later. He has a plan to save
our democracy.

our democracy.

our democracy.
>> Unfortunately, it's in book form, so no

>> Unfortunately, it's in book form, so no

>> Unfortunately, it's in book form, so no
one will find out about it. [applause]

one will find out about it. [applause]

one will find out about it. [applause]
No, you'll read the book. It's an

No, you'll read the book. It's an

No, you'll read the book. It's an
excellent book. Of course, by the way,

excellent book. Of course, by the way,

excellent book. Of course, by the way,
uh the World Cup ended yesterday.

uh the World Cup ended yesterday.

uh the World Cup ended yesterday.
Phenito with Spain defeating Argentina 1

Phenito with Spain defeating Argentina 1

Phenito with Spain defeating Argentina 1
nil on the pitch [applause]

nil on the pitch [applause]

nil on the pitch [applause]
in the footy. The Spain Argentina final

in the footy. The Spain Argentina final

in the footy. The Spain Argentina final
was like a reverse Super Bowl where the

was like a reverse Super Bowl where the

was like a reverse Super Bowl where the
players spoke Spanish and the halftime

players spoke Spanish and the halftime

players spoke Spanish and the halftime
show was in English.

show was in English.

show was in English.
They had Madonna and Justin Bieber and

They had Madonna and Justin Bieber and

They had Madonna and Justin Bieber and
for some reason THE MUPPETS.

for some reason THE MUPPETS.

for some reason THE MUPPETS.
Holy [\h__\h]

Holy [\h__\h]

Holy [\h__\h]
Is that the count?

Is that the count?

Is that the count?
You got all the Muppets to choose from.

You got all the Muppets to choose from.

You got all the Muppets to choose from.
Why in God's name [laughter]

Why in God's name [laughter]

Why in God's name [laughter]
would you make the vampire work during

would you make the vampire work during

would you make the vampire work during
the day?

Not only is it the bright glare of the

Not only is it the bright glare of the
afternoon sun, but for most of the game,

afternoon sun, but for most of the game,

afternoon sun, but for most of the game,
the score was 000.

You're taunting this poor bastard.

You're taunting this poor bastard.
[applause and cheering]

[applause and cheering]

[applause and cheering]
I sat in traffic for one, [laughter]

I sat in traffic for one, [laughter]

I sat in traffic for one, [laughter]
two,

two,

two,
three hours

three hours

three hours
for this.

for this.

for this.
I'm burning alive. [laughter]

I'm burning alive. [laughter]

I'm burning alive. [laughter]
By the way, congrats to World Cup

By the way, congrats to World Cup

By the way, congrats to World Cup
champions. Spain, Espa, clearly the best

champions. Spain, Espa, clearly the best

champions. Spain, Espa, clearly the best
team in this year's tournament. And they

team in this year's tournament. And they

team in this year's tournament. And they
celebrated receiving the World Cup

celebrated receiving the World Cup

celebrated receiving the World Cup
trophy with a trophy hoist, which is

trophy with a trophy hoist, which is

trophy with a trophy hoist, which is
traditionally, it's a moment that is

traditionally, it's a moment that is

traditionally, it's a moment that is
shared really only by the players. A

shared really only by the players. A

shared really only by the players. A
special moment that is only for the

special moment that is only for the

special moment that is only for the
players. IT IS REALLY WHAT THE ARE YOU

players. IT IS REALLY WHAT THE ARE YOU

players. IT IS REALLY WHAT THE ARE YOU
DOING ON THE STAGE? IT'S FOR THE

DOING ON THE STAGE? IT'S FOR THE

DOING ON THE STAGE? IT'S FOR THE
PLAYERS. GOD DAMN.

PLAYERS. GOD DAMN.

PLAYERS. GOD DAMN.
Why must everything be tainted by the

Why must everything be tainted by the

Why must everything be tainted by the
overinflated

overinflated

overinflated
ego of cankles mold? Why?

ego of cankles mold? Why?

ego of cankles mold? Why?
Why? I will admit this. Afterwards,

Why? I will admit this. Afterwards,

Why? I will admit this. Afterwards,
Trump had some really insightful

Trump had some really insightful

Trump had some really insightful
postgame analysis.

postgame analysis.

postgame analysis.
>> I thought it was incredible. It was four

>> I thought it was incredible. It was four

>> I thought it was incredible. It was four
times greater than any FIFA ever held.

What's a FIFA?

What's a FIFA?
How do you hold a FIFA? How could our

How do you hold a FIFA? How could our

How do you hold a FIFA? How could our
FIFA be four times greater than any

FIFA be four times greater than any

FIFA be four times greater than any
other FIFA?

other FIFA?

other FIFA?
>> That is probably about five times

>> That is probably about five times

>> That is probably about five times
actually, they're telling me today.

[cheering]

[cheering]
[applause]

>> Is that what they told you?

>> Is that what they told you?
You know, they're telling you that

You know, they're telling you that

You know, they're telling you that
because everyone around you lies to you

because everyone around you lies to you

because everyone around you lies to you
because you're a weirdo.

because you're a weirdo.

because you're a weirdo.
Can we go back a second, though? And I

Can we go back a second, though? And I

Can we go back a second, though? And I
don't mean to.

don't mean to.

don't mean to.
What's up with the guy behind Trump? Can

What's up with the guy behind Trump? Can

What's up with the guy behind Trump? Can
we see that again? Can you bring that

we see that again? Can you bring that

we see that again? Can you bring that
out? What the Who the is this guy?

out? What the Who the is this guy?

out? What the Who the is this guy?
Who the [\h__\h] is this? Is this What? Who

Who the [\h__\h] is this? Is this What? Who

Who the [\h__\h] is this? Is this What? Who
in the world is it? Oh my god. IS THAT A

in the world is it? Oh my god. IS THAT A

in the world is it? Oh my god. IS THAT A
BACKUP TRUMP? Is that WAIT A MINUTE.

BACKUP TRUMP? Is that WAIT A MINUTE.

BACKUP TRUMP? Is that WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND.

WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND.

WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND.
WAIT, WHAT? WAIT, WHO? WHAT?

Is that a backup Trump or is that Trump?

Is that a backup Trump or is that Trump?
Wait, is the one we've BEEN DEALING WITH

Wait, is the one we've BEEN DEALING WITH

Wait, is the one we've BEEN DEALING WITH
BACKUP TRUMP or is that Trump's? But

let's move on from the World Cup final

let's move on from the World Cup final
to something with no actual end in

to something with no actual end in

to something with no actual end in
sight. The Iran war. The Iran war is

sight. The Iran war. The Iran war is

sight. The Iran war. The Iran war is
reigniting. And as escalation continues

reigniting. And as escalation continues

reigniting. And as escalation continues
with more intense and widespread

with more intense and widespread

with more intense and widespread
bombing. There's no sign that either

bombing. There's no sign that either

bombing. There's no sign that either
side is prepared in any way to GOD. THIS

side is prepared in any way to GOD. THIS

side is prepared in any way to GOD. THIS
IS YOU'RE NOT IN THIS GRAPHIC.

IS YOU'RE NOT IN THIS GRAPHIC.

IS YOU'RE NOT IN THIS GRAPHIC.
YOU'RE NOT IN this graphic. WHAT? WE

YOU'RE NOT IN this graphic. WHAT? WE

YOU'RE NOT IN this graphic. WHAT? WE
HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS. YOU'RE NOT IN

HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS. YOU'RE NOT IN

HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS. YOU'RE NOT IN
THIS GRAPH. GET HIM OUT OF THE GRAPHIC.

THIS GRAPH. GET HIM OUT OF THE GRAPHIC.

THIS GRAPH. GET HIM OUT OF THE GRAPHIC.
You're

You're

You're
[applause]

[applause]

[applause]
[cheering]

Is that real Trump or backup Trump? I

Is that real Trump or backup Trump? I
don't know what's happening. Anyway,

don't know what's happening. Anyway,

don't know what's happening. Anyway,
clearly the war is escalating and

clearly the war is escalating and

clearly the war is escalating and
Americans are rightly concerned that we

Americans are rightly concerned that we

Americans are rightly concerned that we
will be drawn even further into a war

will be drawn even further into a war

will be drawn even further into a war
that has already cost too much in

that has already cost too much in

that has already cost too much in
American lives and money. And so it was

American lives and money. And so it was

American lives and money. And so it was
that Donald Trump delivered a prime time

that Donald Trump delivered a prime time

that Donald Trump delivered a prime time
national speech on Thursday night to

national speech on Thursday night to

national speech on Thursday night to
address this urgent situation. In mid

address this urgent situation. In mid

address this urgent situation. In mid
2018, China was working to influence the

2018, China was working to influence the

2018, China was working to influence the
results of the US midterm elections and

results of the US midterm elections and

results of the US midterm elections and
later the results of the 2020

later the results of the 2020

later the results of the 2020
presidential election. is so they wanted

presidential election. is so they wanted

presidential election. is so they wanted
to just make you sound like your

to just make you sound like your

to just make you sound like your
president wasn't so hot when actually

president wasn't so hot when actually

president wasn't so hot when actually
your president has done a great job.

your president has done a great job.

your president has done a great job.
[laughter]

Those Chinese bastards.

Those Chinese bastards.
I'll have you know both presidents Trump

I'll have you know both presidents Trump

I'll have you know both presidents Trump
are hot as

are hot as

are hot as
and doing a great job. Blue tie is doing

and doing a great job. Blue tie is doing

and doing a great job. Blue tie is doing
a little better than red tie but still.

a little better than red tie but still.

a little better than red tie but still.
But yes, apparently the president of the

But yes, apparently the president of the

But yes, apparently the president of the
United States called this meeting to

United States called this meeting to

United States called this meeting to
announce a new entry in his longunning

announce a new entry in his longunning

announce a new entry in his longunning
mystery series 2020 election. What had

mystery series 2020 election. What had

mystery series 2020 election. What had
happened was

happened was

happened was
>> with the turn of a dial or the change of

>> with the turn of a dial or the change of

>> with the turn of a dial or the change of
a chip, you can press a button for Trump

a chip, you can press a button for Trump

a chip, you can press a button for Trump
and the vote goes to Biden. Illegal

and the vote goes to Biden. Illegal

and the vote goes to Biden. Illegal
aliens and dead people are voting.

aliens and dead people are voting.

aliens and dead people are voting.
>> Big technology companies censored the

>> Big technology companies censored the

>> Big technology companies censored the
Hunter Biden laptop story which

Hunter Biden laptop story which

Hunter Biden laptop story which
independent analysis have said cost

independent analysis have said cost

independent analysis have said cost
Donald Trump millions of votes.

Donald Trump millions of votes.

Donald Trump millions of votes.
>> Sure,

>> Sure,

>> Sure,
that surely would have changed the

that surely would have changed the

that surely would have changed the
outcome. I remember back in 2020 when we

outcome. I remember back in 2020 when we

outcome. I remember back in 2020 when we
were all wearing masks and socially

were all wearing masks and socially

were all wearing masks and socially
distancing for fear we would come across

distancing for fear we would come across

distancing for fear we would come across
a Hunter Biden dickpick.

SO NOW THEY'VE SETTLED ON MAYBE CHINA

SO NOW THEY'VE SETTLED ON MAYBE CHINA
did it. A theory that lasted all the way

did it. A theory that lasted all the way

did it. A theory that lasted all the way
until a few minutes after Thursday

until a few minutes after Thursday

until a few minutes after Thursday
night's speech when reporters caught up

night's speech when reporters caught up

night's speech when reporters caught up
with John Solomon, the guy Trump hired

with John Solomon, the guy Trump hired

with John Solomon, the guy Trump hired
to find any evidence that China did it.

to find any evidence that China did it.

to find any evidence that China did it.
You acknowledge that there were no votes

You acknowledge that there were no votes

You acknowledge that there were no votes
changed in 2020?

changed in 2020?

changed in 2020?
>> I I all I can acknowledge is what the

>> I I all I can acknowledge is what the

>> I I all I can acknowledge is what the
intelligence shows, right? I only know

intelligence shows, right? I only know

intelligence shows, right? I only know
the intelligence community has zero

the intelligence community has zero

the intelligence community has zero
evidence that someone has flipped a that

evidence that someone has flipped a that

evidence that someone has flipped a that
a foreign power flipped a vote in

a foreign power flipped a vote in

a foreign power flipped a vote in
2020,22 or 24. The

2020,22 or 24. The

2020,22 or 24. The
>> 2020 election was in fact the results as

>> 2020 election was in fact the results as

>> 2020 election was in fact the results as
we the American public

we the American public

we the American public
>> I'm still researching. So let me let me

>> I'm still researching. So let me let me

>> I'm still researching. So let me let me
this is the first

this is the first

this is the first
>> but there's no intelligence on

>> but there's no intelligence on

>> but there's no intelligence on
there is no intelligence.

>> [applause]

>> [applause]
[cheering]

>> Can [applause]

>> Can [applause]
Can he still see me? [laughter]

Can he still see me? [laughter]

Can he still see me? [laughter]
MAN'S LITERALLY BACKPEDALING. LOOK, WE

MAN'S LITERALLY BACKPEDALING. LOOK, WE

MAN'S LITERALLY BACKPEDALING. LOOK, WE
HAVE FUN, but I'm not actually worried

HAVE FUN, but I'm not actually worried

HAVE FUN, but I'm not actually worried
about our election security because we

about our election security because we

about our election security because we
have a robust cyber security and

have a robust cyber security and

have a robust cyber security and
infrastructure agency that monitors

infrastructure agency that monitors

infrastructure agency that monitors
threats to our system. And knowing that

threats to our system. And knowing that

threats to our system. And knowing that
that's a priority of the Trump

that's a priority of the Trump

that's a priority of the Trump
administration gives me great comfort.

administration gives me great comfort.

administration gives me great comfort.
Trump fired a third of the workers last

Trump fired a third of the workers last

Trump fired a third of the workers last
year at SISA, the Cyber Security and

year at SISA, the Cyber Security and

year at SISA, the Cyber Security and
Infrastructure Agency. NO.

WELL, that news

WELL, that news
would have me [\h__\h] my pants

would have me [\h__\h] my pants

would have me [\h__\h] my pants
if I wasn't already

[\h__\h] my pants

[\h__\h] my pants
due to the cuts to our food monitoring

due to the cuts to our food monitoring

due to the cuts to our food monitoring
system.

system.

system.
that has PRODUCED

a nationwide diarrhea outbreak.

a nationwide diarrhea outbreak.
[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]
But at least WE HAVE THAT OUTBREAK UNDER

But at least WE HAVE THAT OUTBREAK UNDER

But at least WE HAVE THAT OUTBREAK UNDER
CONTROL AS OUR INCREDIBLY competent FDA

CONTROL AS OUR INCREDIBLY competent FDA

CONTROL AS OUR INCREDIBLY competent FDA
has finally identified THE SOURCE OF THE

has finally identified THE SOURCE OF THE

has finally identified THE SOURCE OF THE
OUTBREAK.

OUTBREAK.

OUTBREAK.
>> The Food and Drug Administration now

>> The Food and Drug Administration now

>> The Food and Drug Administration now
taking back what it said about the

taking back what it said about the

taking back what it said about the
source of the cycllospora outbreak. The

source of the cycllospora outbreak. The

source of the cycllospora outbreak. The
FDA now says the sample from Mexico

FDA now says the sample from Mexico

FDA now says the sample from Mexico
based Taylor Farms was a false positive.

based Taylor Farms was a false positive.

based Taylor Farms was a false positive.
The FDA admitted it made a mistake and

The FDA admitted it made a mistake and

The FDA admitted it made a mistake and
apologized.

Don't apologize to me. Apologize to this

Don't apologize to me. Apologize to this
great nation's gaping, burning anus.

[applause]

[applause]
[cheering] YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

[cheering] YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

[cheering] YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT.

ABOUT.

ABOUT.
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE
QUESTIONS BEFORE THE SHOW.

Many of these people are here even

Many of these people are here even
though clearly have diarrhea.

But you know what? DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.

But you know what? DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.
IT'S FINE. WE'RE OKAY. We can still

IT'S FINE. WE'RE OKAY. We can still

IT'S FINE. WE'RE OKAY. We can still
soothe our burning anuses in the cool,

soothe our burning anuses in the cool,

soothe our burning anuses in the cool,
crystalclear waters of our nation's

crystalclear waters of our nation's

crystalclear waters of our nation's
Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool.

Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool.

Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool.
Tonight,

Tonight,

Tonight,
the reflecting pool in the nation's

the reflecting pool in the nation's

the reflecting pool in the nation's
capital being drained again.

capital being drained again.

capital being drained again.
>> No,

>> No,

>> No,
THE REFLECTING POOL'S CLOSED. WHERE WILL

THE REFLECTING POOL'S CLOSED. WHERE WILL

THE REFLECTING POOL'S CLOSED. WHERE WILL
WE WASH OUR LETTUCE?

You know,

You know,
I'm starting to get the sense that this

I'm starting to get the sense that this

I'm starting to get the sense that this
administration is not as competent.

administration is not as competent.

administration is not as competent.
[laughter]

[laughter]

Stay with me.

Stay with me.
not as competent as we've been led to

not as competent as we've been led to

not as competent as we've been led to
believe.

believe.

believe.
And it's not just the pool or the

And it's not just the pool or the

And it's not just the pool or the
diarrhea.

diarrhea.

diarrhea.
Trump said he was going to cut our

Trump said he was going to cut our

Trump said he was going to cut our
energy bills in half. Electricity is up

energy bills in half. Electricity is up

energy bills in half. Electricity is up
18%. HE SAID GAS PRICES WOULD GO BELOW

18%. HE SAID GAS PRICES WOULD GO BELOW

18%. HE SAID GAS PRICES WOULD GO BELOW
TWO bucks a gallon. It's up to four

TWO bucks a gallon. It's up to four

TWO bucks a gallon. It's up to four
bucks a gallon. He said he was going to

bucks a gallon. He said he was going to

bucks a gallon. He said he was going to
stop new wars. He's bombed at least

stop new wars. He's bombed at least

stop new wars. He's bombed at least
seven other countries. HE SAID HE WAS

seven other countries. HE SAID HE WAS

seven other countries. HE SAID HE WAS
GOING TO LEAD A BOOM IN MANUFACTURING

GOING TO LEAD A BOOM IN MANUFACTURING

GOING TO LEAD A BOOM IN MANUFACTURING
JOBS. WE'VE LOST TENS OF THOUSANDS OF

JOBS. WE'VE LOST TENS OF THOUSANDS OF

JOBS. WE'VE LOST TENS OF THOUSANDS OF
MANUFACTURING JOBS. THEY SAID THEY WOULD

MANUFACTURING JOBS. THEY SAID THEY WOULD

MANUFACTURING JOBS. THEY SAID THEY WOULD
BE SAYING UH SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS

BE SAYING UH SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS

BE SAYING UH SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS
AGAIN. No one's wished me merry

AGAIN. No one's wished me merry

AGAIN. No one's wished me merry
Christmas in my life.

[laughter]

[laughter]
This country was going to enter a golden

This country was going to enter a golden

This country was going to enter a golden
age because only qualified people would

age because only qualified people would

age because only qualified people would
be in charge. Now they promised no more

be in charge. Now they promised no more

be in charge. Now they promised no more
of the woke [\h__\h] that had held this

of the woke [\h__\h] that had held this

of the woke [\h__\h] that had held this
country down for so long. We will

country down for so long. We will

country down for so long. We will
terminate every diversity, equity, and

terminate every diversity, equity, and

terminate every diversity, equity, and
inclusion program.

inclusion program.

inclusion program.
>> DEI is a cancer. It's a cancer that

>> DEI is a cancer. It's a cancer that

>> DEI is a cancer. It's a cancer that
destroys merit. We want the most

destroys merit. We want the most

destroys merit. We want the most
competent people. They have to be at the

competent people. They have to be at the

competent people. They have to be at the
highest level of genius. A meritocracy.

highest level of genius. A meritocracy.

highest level of genius. A meritocracy.
Isn't that a beautiful word? A

Isn't that a beautiful word? A

Isn't that a beautiful word? A
meritocracy.

meritocracy.

meritocracy.
>> Merritocracy. It is a beautiful word.

>> Merritocracy. It is a beautiful word.

>> Merritocracy. It is a beautiful word.
Where the is it?

Where the is it?

Where the is it?
[cheering] Where is this meritocracy?

[cheering] Where is this meritocracy?

[cheering] Where is this meritocracy?
WE HAVE SEEN NO EVIDENCE OF IT.

WE HAVE SEEN NO EVIDENCE OF IT.

WE HAVE SEEN NO EVIDENCE OF IT.
NONE. [applause]

NONE. [applause]

NONE. [applause]
It's just another word like diiainus or

It's just another word like diiainus or

It's just another word like diiainus or
jimothy.

>> May I just say something quickly about

>> May I just say something quickly about
Jimothy? Hear me out. Hear me out.

Jimothy? Hear me out. Hear me out.

Jimothy? Hear me out. Hear me out.
I [\h__\h] with Jimothy.

I [\h__\h] with Jimothy.

I [\h__\h] with Jimothy.
I [\h__\h] with Jimothy. I with him heavy.

I [\h__\h] with Jimothy. I with him heavy.

I [\h__\h] with Jimothy. I with him heavy.
Now I know some of you were perhaps

Now I know some of you were perhaps

Now I know some of you were perhaps
worried about what I might say because

worried about what I might say because

worried about what I might say because
of my previous punch kurfuffle.

[laughter]

[laughter]
>> Let me tell you people something.

>> Let me tell you people something.

>> Let me tell you people something.
Jimothy is everything Punch wishes he

Jimothy is everything Punch wishes he

Jimothy is everything Punch wishes he
could be.

could be.

could be.
YES. YES. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK AT JIMOTHY.

YES. YES. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK AT JIMOTHY.

YES. YES. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK AT JIMOTHY.
LOOK AT HIM COORTING. THAT'S HIS FAMILY

LOOK AT HIM COORTING. THAT'S HIS FAMILY

LOOK AT HIM COORTING. THAT'S HIS FAMILY
COORTING WITH JIMOTHY WHEN HE WAS A

COORTING WITH JIMOTHY WHEN HE WAS A

COORTING WITH JIMOTHY WHEN HE WAS A
BABY. LOOK AT THEM ALL. THEY LOVE

BABY. LOOK AT THEM ALL. THEY LOVE

BABY. LOOK AT THEM ALL. THEY LOVE
JIMOTHY. That's not my judgment. That is

JIMOTHY. That's not my judgment. That is

JIMOTHY. That's not my judgment. That is
the judgment of the community. They have

the judgment of the community. They have

the judgment of the community. They have
decided it not an easy decision, by the

decided it not an easy decision, by the

decided it not an easy decision, by the
way. [laughter]

way. [laughter]

way. [laughter]
I'm sure at first they were like, "Is

I'm sure at first they were like, "Is

I'm sure at first they were like, "Is
that a raccoon or an ottoman? I don't

that a raccoon or an ottoman? I don't

that a raccoon or an ottoman? I don't
know what's happening."

know what's happening."

know what's happening."
But I'll tell you what, I think Jimothy

But I'll tell you what, I think Jimothy

But I'll tell you what, I think Jimothy
is

is

is
a short king.

a short king.

a short king.
[applause]

[cheering]

[cheering]
Point is, [applause]

Point is, [applause]

Point is, [applause]
Jimothy has merit. Unlike all those that

Jimothy has merit. Unlike all those that

Jimothy has merit. Unlike all those that
were running the government before Trump

were running the government before Trump

were running the government before Trump
and Trump's merry band of gifted and

and Trump's merry band of gifted and

and Trump's merry band of gifted and
talented technocrats stepped in to save

talented technocrats stepped in to save

talented technocrats stepped in to save
the day. First stop for them to save the

the day. First stop for them to save the

the day. First stop for them to save the
day was the economy. No longer would our

day was the economy. No longer would our

day was the economy. No longer would our
nation's growth engine be hijacked by

nation's growth engine be hijacked by

nation's growth engine be hijacked by
lesbians and Latin X's. No, the best and

lesbians and Latin X's. No, the best and

lesbians and Latin X's. No, the best and
the brightest would be in charge from

the brightest would be in charge from

the brightest would be in charge from
here on out, and the results to the

here on out, and the results to the

here on out, and the results to the
economy would be immediate. I think

economy would be immediate. I think

economy would be immediate. I think
we're off to a great start and President

we're off to a great start and President

we're off to a great start and President
Trump's going to bring back the golden

Trump's going to bring back the golden

Trump's going to bring back the golden
age.

age.

age.
>> Yes.

>> Yes.

>> Yes.
But unfortunately, DEI had a greater

But unfortunately, DEI had a greater

But unfortunately, DEI had a greater
strangle hold on the levers of our

strangle hold on the levers of our

strangle hold on the levers of our
government than we had originally

government than we had originally

government than we had originally
thought.

thought.

thought.
>> The first quarter surely Biden.

>> The first quarter surely Biden.

>> The first quarter surely Biden.
>> Oh, all right. Well, the first quarter

>> Oh, all right. Well, the first quarter

>> Oh, all right. Well, the first quarter
then Q2 that ends in April. So, April

then Q2 that ends in April. So, April

then Q2 that ends in April. So, April
[clears throat] is when our best and

[clears throat] is when our best and

[clears throat] is when our best and
brightest finally. It's coming and it's

brightest finally. It's coming and it's

brightest finally. It's coming and it's
coming now. And I tell you what, it

coming now. And I tell you what, it

coming now. And I tell you what, it
feels great.

>> Enough about your Epstein testimony.

>> Enough about your Epstein testimony.
>> What about the economy?

>> What about the economy?

>> What about the economy?
>> In the not too distant future, I think

>> In the not too distant future, I think

>> In the not too distant future, I think
we will be back to firing on all

we will be back to firing on all

we will be back to firing on all
cylinders.

>> So the economy will be fixed by our

>> So the economy will be fixed by our
meritocracy three months by August of

meritocracy three months by August of

meritocracy three months by August of
2025.

2025.

2025.
>> I think we're going to really pick up in

>> I think we're going to really pick up in

>> I think we're going to really pick up in
the fourth quarter.

the fourth quarter.

the fourth quarter.
[laughter]

So no later than December of 2025.

So no later than December of 2025.
I think we are at the cusp of of the the

I think we are at the cusp of of the the

I think we are at the cusp of of the the
liftoff in 2026 2027.

liftoff in 2026 2027.

liftoff in 2026 2027.
[laughter]

That is a long liftoff.

That is a long liftoff.
Generally a liftoff is 10

Generally a liftoff is 10

Generally a liftoff is 10
nine 8 not

nine 8 not

nine 8 not
January

January

January
February March. Well, you know what? If

February March. Well, you know what? If

February March. Well, you know what? If
this ever competent administration can't

this ever competent administration can't

this ever competent administration can't
turn this wokel laden economy around,

turn this wokel laden economy around,

turn this wokel laden economy around,
they still have options.

they still have options.

they still have options.
>> Well, maybe the children will have two

>> Well, maybe the children will have two

>> Well, maybe the children will have two
dolls instead of 30 dolls, you know, and

dolls instead of 30 dolls, you know, and

dolls instead of 30 dolls, you know, and
maybe the two dolls will cost a couple

maybe the two dolls will cost a couple

maybe the two dolls will cost a couple
of bucks more than they would dog.

of bucks more than they would dog.

of bucks more than they would dog.
>> See, that's what the competence has

>> See, that's what the competence has

>> See, that's what the competence has
gotten us. That's what the meritocracy

gotten us. That's what the meritocracy

gotten us. That's what the meritocracy
has done for us. The economy is going to

has done for us. The economy is going to

has done for us. The economy is going to
boom in a month, in a year, in two

boom in a month, in a year, in two

boom in a month, in a year, in two
years. You know what? HOW MANY DOLLARS

years. You know what? HOW MANY DOLLARS

years. You know what? HOW MANY DOLLARS
DO YOU PEOPLE NEED? JUST GET TWO AND CUT

DO YOU PEOPLE NEED? JUST GET TWO AND CUT

DO YOU PEOPLE NEED? JUST GET TWO AND CUT
THEM INTO PIECES. NOW YOU GOT 16. Older

THEM INTO PIECES. NOW YOU GOT 16. Older

THEM INTO PIECES. NOW YOU GOT 16. Older
kids get the tops. Younger ones get the

kids get the tops. Younger ones get the

kids get the tops. Younger ones get the
bottoms. [laughter] Punch gets

bottoms. [laughter] Punch gets

bottoms. [laughter] Punch gets
whatever's left over.

whatever's left over.

whatever's left over.
This [applause]

This meritocracy talk was a sham from

This meritocracy talk was a sham from
the get-go. Remember once uber capable

the get-go. Remember once uber capable

the get-go. Remember once uber capable
Elon Musk doed out the unworthy woke

Elon Musk doed out the unworthy woke

Elon Musk doed out the unworthy woke
deep state minorities? We were supposed

deep state minorities? We were supposed

deep state minorities? We were supposed
to have been cooking with

to have been cooking with

to have been cooking with
whatever is available to use as fuel.

whatever is available to use as fuel.

whatever is available to use as fuel.
>> Doge firing thousands of IRS workers,

>> Doge firing thousands of IRS workers,

>> Doge firing thousands of IRS workers,
creating chaos.

creating chaos.

creating chaos.
>> Hundreds of layoffs at the Centers for

>> Hundreds of layoffs at the Centers for

>> Hundreds of layoffs at the Centers for
Disease Control, the FAA, and FEMA.

Disease Control, the FAA, and FEMA.

Disease Control, the FAA, and FEMA.
>> 3,500 jobs from the FDA. Hundreds of

>> 3,500 jobs from the FDA. Hundreds of

>> 3,500 jobs from the FDA. Hundreds of
senior staff at the Department of

senior staff at the Department of

senior staff at the Department of
Homeland Security making cuts to the

Homeland Security making cuts to the

Homeland Security making cuts to the
National Weather Service as severe

National Weather Service as severe

National Weather Service as severe
weather moves into the south.

weather moves into the south.

weather moves into the south.
>> Laid off nearly all federal workers who

>> Laid off nearly all federal workers who

>> Laid off nearly all federal workers who
investigate firefighter deaths.

investigate firefighter deaths.

investigate firefighter deaths.
Accidentally fired some veterinarians

Accidentally fired some veterinarians

Accidentally fired some veterinarians
and animal health technicians working to

and animal health technicians working to

and animal health technicians working to
prevent the spread of bird flu.

prevent the spread of bird flu.

prevent the spread of bird flu.
>> You fired the [laughter] people trying

>> You fired the [laughter] people trying

>> You fired the [laughter] people trying
to prevent bird flu.

to prevent bird flu.

to prevent bird flu.
Who's going to teach birds how to sneeze

Who's going to teach birds how to sneeze

Who's going to teach birds how to sneeze
into their elbow?

All right, maybe Doge sending in teenage

All right, maybe Doge sending in teenage
Uber menches to gut entire departments

Uber menches to gut entire departments

Uber menches to gut entire departments
on ideological grounds might have led to

on ideological grounds might have led to

on ideological grounds might have led to
some problems. But hey, at least they

some problems. But hey, at least they

some problems. But hey, at least they
reduce the federal deficit.

reduce the federal deficit.

reduce the federal deficit.
>> I think it was more important to reduce

>> I think it was more important to reduce

>> I think it was more important to reduce
the federal deficit from $2 trillion to

the federal deficit from $2 trillion to

the federal deficit from $2 trillion to
close to zero.

close to zero.

close to zero.
>> Did you reduce the federal deficit?

>> Did you reduce the federal deficit?

>> Did you reduce the federal deficit?
>> No, we didn't.

>> No, we didn't.

>> No, we didn't.
[laughter]

Well, the the real treasure was the

Well, the the real treasure was the
friends you made along the way. Oh,

friends you made along the way. Oh,

friends you made along the way. Oh,
wait. You made no friends. Up and down

wait. You made no friends. Up and down

wait. You made no friends. Up and down
this administration, we were promised

this administration, we were promised

this administration, we were promised
meritocracy. We got ideologues and talk

meritocracy. We got ideologues and talk

meritocracy. We got ideologues and talk
show hosts who, as we reignite a new war

show hosts who, as we reignite a new war

show hosts who, as we reignite a new war
with Iran to reopen the strait that they

with Iran to reopen the strait that they

with Iran to reopen the strait that they
closed because of our original war,

closed because of our original war,

closed because of our original war,
throw out [\h__\h] like this. Today, I'm

throw out [\h__\h] like this. Today, I'm

throw out [\h__\h] like this. Today, I'm
authorizing a new screening program for

authorizing a new screening program for

authorizing a new screening program for
testosterone deficiency for our service

testosterone deficiency for our service

testosterone deficiency for our service
members, ensuring you have the right

members, ensuring you have the right

members, ensuring you have the right
testosterone levels to operate at your

testosterone levels to operate at your

testosterone levels to operate at your
absolute best.

That's right. Hey, you can't spell

That's right. Hey, you can't spell
meritocracy without more T.

Yeah, that's right. [laughter]

Yeah, that's right. [laughter]
Watch out, Iran. We just declared war on

Watch out, Iran. We just declared war on

Watch out, Iran. We just declared war on
de's nuts.

de's nuts.

de's nuts.
Or how about health and human services?

Or how about health and human services?

Or how about health and human services?
How's old Robert F. Kennedy Jr. doing

How's old Robert F. Kennedy Jr. doing

How's old Robert F. Kennedy Jr. doing
with that?

with that?

with that?
>> A growing measles outbreak,

>> A growing measles outbreak,

>> A growing measles outbreak,
>> deadly outbreak of the HA virus.

>> deadly outbreak of the HA virus.

>> deadly outbreak of the HA virus.
>> The flesheating screworm is spreading

>> The flesheating screworm is spreading

>> The flesheating screworm is spreading
beyond Texas.

beyond Texas.

beyond Texas.
>> So help me God.

>> So help me God.

>> So help me God.
If Jimothy gets screworm,

I will go crazy.

I will go crazy.
But it's okay, folks. There's no need to

But it's okay, folks. There's no need to

But it's okay, folks. There's no need to
be concerned that public health will

be concerned that public health will

be concerned that public health will
suffer from unqualified,

suffer from unqualified,

suffer from unqualified,
incomprehensible leadership. They've

incomprehensible leadership. They've

incomprehensible leadership. They've
already dealt with the real problem.

already dealt with the real problem.

already dealt with the real problem.
>> We cut a billion dollars worth of DEI

>> We cut a billion dollars worth of DEI

>> We cut a billion dollars worth of DEI
studies. DEI research has never cured

studies. DEI research has never cured

studies. DEI research has never cured
any disease. It's never produced any new

any disease. It's never produced any new

any disease. It's never produced any new
drug.

drug.

drug.
>> Okay?

>> Okay?

>> Okay?
>> Now, excuse for a moment that what he

>> Now, excuse for a moment that what he

>> Now, excuse for a moment that what he
just said is factually

just said is factually

just said is factually
wrong. that the broad nature of what

wrong. that the broad nature of what

wrong. that the broad nature of what
they consider DEI would exclude

they consider DEI would exclude

they consider DEI would exclude
treatments for cickle cell anemia,

treatments for cickle cell anemia,

treatments for cickle cell anemia,
autism, pregnancy complication, women's

autism, pregnancy complication, women's

autism, pregnancy complication, women's
cardiovascular health, and many other

cardiovascular health, and many other

cardiovascular health, and many other
great advances made by the people you

great advances made by the people you

great advances made by the people you
all consider suspect. But for you,

all consider suspect. But for you,

all consider suspect. But for you,
Robert Kennedy Jr. of all people to have

Robert Kennedy Jr. of all people to have

Robert Kennedy Jr. of all people to have
the balls to hop on board the anti-dei

the balls to hop on board the anti-dei

the balls to hop on board the anti-dei
only meritocracy train. Mother,

only meritocracy train. Mother,

only meritocracy train. Mother,
if your name wasn't Kennedy, here's how

if your name wasn't Kennedy, here's how

if your name wasn't Kennedy, here's how
all your job interviews would go.

all your job interviews would go.

all your job interviews would go.
Uh, it says, uh, here you are a heroin

Uh, it says, uh, here you are a heroin

Uh, it says, uh, here you are a heroin
addict

>> do you have any references with

>> do you have any references with
>> I mean I knew Harvey Weinstein. Bill

>> I mean I knew Harvey Weinstein. Bill

>> I mean I knew Harvey Weinstein. Bill
Cosby came to my house. I was on Jeffrey

Cosby came to my house. I was on Jeffrey

Cosby came to my house. I was on Jeffrey
Epstein's jet two times. Welcome aboard.

Epstein's jet two times. Welcome aboard.

Epstein's jet two times. Welcome aboard.
[applause]

[applause]

[applause]
You know,

it's insane. [cheering]

it's insane. [cheering]
This whole thing is insane. It's one

This whole thing is insane. It's one

This whole thing is insane. It's one
thing to fall short in his duty to

thing to fall short in his duty to

thing to fall short in his duty to
country, but Trump's meritocracy is even

country, but Trump's meritocracy is even

country, but Trump's meritocracy is even
struggling with the one thing Trump was

struggling with the one thing Trump was

struggling with the one thing Trump was
supposed to be good at. Petty revenge.

supposed to be good at. Petty revenge.

supposed to be good at. Petty revenge.
Like the cases he tried to bring against

Like the cases he tried to bring against

Like the cases he tried to bring against
James Comey and New York Attorney

James Comey and New York Attorney

James Comey and New York Attorney
General Leticia James.

General Leticia James.

General Leticia James.
>> Tonight, a federal judge throwing out

>> Tonight, a federal judge throwing out

>> Tonight, a federal judge throwing out
both criminal cases against two of

both criminal cases against two of

both criminal cases against two of
President Trump's biggest political

President Trump's biggest political

President Trump's biggest political
foes.

foes.

foes.
>> Judge Cameron Curry finding the

>> Judge Cameron Curry finding the

>> Judge Cameron Curry finding the
prosecutor Lindseay Halligan was not an

prosecutor Lindseay Halligan was not an

prosecutor Lindseay Halligan was not an
attorney authorized by law to conduct

attorney authorized by law to conduct

attorney authorized by law to conduct
grand jury proceedings.

grand jury proceedings.

grand jury proceedings.
Well, you can't spell meritocracy with

Well, you can't spell meritocracy with

Well, you can't spell meritocracy with
Well, I I I think actually they can't

Well, I I I think actually they can't

Well, I I I think actually they can't
spell it. Um,

spell it. Um,

spell it. Um,
[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]
>> but forget lawfare. Trump's meritocracy

>> but forget lawfare. Trump's meritocracy

>> but forget lawfare. Trump's meritocracy
couldn't even do state fair.

couldn't even do state fair.

couldn't even do state fair.
>> More hiccups for the great American

>> More hiccups for the great American

>> More hiccups for the great American
state fair at the National Mall.

state fair at the National Mall.

state fair at the National Mall.
>> Struggling to draw a crowd.

>> Struggling to draw a crowd.

>> Struggling to draw a crowd.
>> 10 states or territories did not show

>> 10 states or territories did not show

>> 10 states or territories did not show
up.

up.

up.
>> Pillars that hover above ground. Vinyl

>> Pillars that hover above ground. Vinyl

>> Pillars that hover above ground. Vinyl
wrapped buildings have crinkled on

wrapped buildings have crinkled on

wrapped buildings have crinkled on
occasion.

occasion.

occasion.
>> The power went out in the food hall at

>> The power went out in the food hall at

>> The power went out in the food hall at
one point and also on the ferris wheel.

one point and also on the ferris wheel.

one point and also on the ferris wheel.
Part of the stage fell while dancers

Part of the stage fell while dancers

Part of the stage fell while dancers
were rehearsing. They can't bring their

were rehearsing. They can't bring their

were rehearsing. They can't bring their
own water.

own water.

own water.
>> First responders treating people for

>> First responders treating people for

>> First responders treating people for
heat related illnesses. Others huddling

heat related illnesses. Others huddling

heat related illnesses. Others huddling
under a replica of President Trump's

under a replica of President Trump's

under a replica of President Trump's
triumphal arch for shade.

Is there a better image [laughter]

Is there a better image [laughter]
that represents the rise of Trump's

that represents the rise of Trump's

that represents the rise of Trump's
meritocracy than the MAGA faithful

meritocracy than the MAGA faithful

meritocracy than the MAGA faithful
huddling under a plywood replica of a

huddling under a plywood replica of a

huddling under a plywood replica of a
memorial Trump is going to erect to

memorial Trump is going to erect to

memorial Trump is going to erect to
himself using money that should have

himself using money that should have

himself using money that should have
gone to the weather services that would

gone to the weather services that would

gone to the weather services that would
have warned these people about the

have warned these people about the

have warned these people about the
heatwave they were seeking refuge from.

heatwave they were seeking refuge from.

heatwave they were seeking refuge from.
[applause]

[applause]

[applause]
[cheering] OH LORDY.

[cheering] OH LORDY.

[cheering] OH LORDY.
OH LORD.

OH LORD.

OH LORD.
OH GREAT Donald Trump, bring me your

OH GREAT Donald Trump, bring me your

OH GREAT Donald Trump, bring me your
heatstroked, your bored, your huddled

heatstroked, your bored, your huddled

heatstroked, your bored, your huddled
masses yearning to rehydrate.

masses yearning to rehydrate.

masses yearning to rehydrate.
For this is Trump's America. We were

For this is Trump's America. We were

For this is Trump's America. We were
told over and over again that the

told over and over again that the

told over and over again that the
problem in this country is that

problem in this country is that

problem in this country is that
government only exists to the benefit of

government only exists to the benefit of

government only exists to the benefit of
the entitled DEI mooching class. But the

the entitled DEI mooching class. But the

the entitled DEI mooching class. But the
reality seems to be that their version

reality seems to be that their version

reality seems to be that their version
of meritocracy only rewards legacy,

of meritocracy only rewards legacy,

of meritocracy only rewards legacy,
feelalty, and access, leaving the rest

feelalty, and access, leaving the rest

feelalty, and access, leaving the rest
of us with the real DEI.

of us with the real DEI.

of us with the real DEI.
Diarrhea

Diarrhea

Diarrhea
everywhere

everywhere

everywhere
indefinitely.