Original subtitles

WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW. [cheering]

WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW. [cheering]

WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW. [cheering] MY NAME IS JOHN STEWART. WELCOME

MY NAME IS JOHN STEWART. WELCOME

MY NAME IS JOHN STEWART. WELCOME EVERYBODY. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. CLASS

EVERYBODY. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. CLASS

EVERYBODY. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. CLASS IS IN SESSION EVERYBODY.

IS IN SESSION EVERYBODY.

IS IN SESSION EVERYBODY. [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] >> Got a great show for you tonight. Former

>> Got a great show for you tonight. Former

>> Got a great show for you tonight. Former Wisconsin DNC chair Ben Wickler is going

Wisconsin DNC chair Ben Wickler is going

Wisconsin DNC chair Ben Wickler is going to be here later. He has a plan to save

to be here later. He has a plan to save

to be here later. He has a plan to save our democracy.

our democracy.

our democracy. >> Unfortunately, it's in book form, so no

>> Unfortunately, it's in book form, so no

>> Unfortunately, it's in book form, so no one will find out about it. [applause]

one will find out about it. [applause]

one will find out about it. [applause] No, you'll read the book. It's an

No, you'll read the book. It's an

No, you'll read the book. It's an excellent book. Of course, by the way,

excellent book. Of course, by the way,

excellent book. Of course, by the way, uh the World Cup ended yesterday.

uh the World Cup ended yesterday.

uh the World Cup ended yesterday. Phenito with Spain defeating Argentina 1

Phenito with Spain defeating Argentina 1

Phenito with Spain defeating Argentina 1 nil on the pitch [applause]

nil on the pitch [applause]

nil on the pitch [applause] in the footy. The Spain Argentina final

in the footy. The Spain Argentina final

in the footy. The Spain Argentina final was like a reverse Super Bowl where the

was like a reverse Super Bowl where the

was like a reverse Super Bowl where the players spoke Spanish and the halftime

players spoke Spanish and the halftime

players spoke Spanish and the halftime show was in English.

show was in English.

show was in English. They had Madonna and Justin Bieber and

They had Madonna and Justin Bieber and

They had Madonna and Justin Bieber and for some reason THE MUPPETS.

for some reason THE MUPPETS.

for some reason THE MUPPETS. Holy [\h__\h]

Holy [\h__\h]

Holy [\h__\h] Is that the count?

Is that the count?

Is that the count? You got all the Muppets to choose from.

You got all the Muppets to choose from.

You got all the Muppets to choose from. Why in God's name [laughter]

Why in God's name [laughter]

Why in God's name [laughter] would you make the vampire work during

would you make the vampire work during

would you make the vampire work during the day?

Not only is it the bright glare of the

Not only is it the bright glare of the

Not only is it the bright glare of the afternoon sun, but for most of the game,

afternoon sun, but for most of the game,

afternoon sun, but for most of the game, the score was 000.

You're taunting this poor bastard.

You're taunting this poor bastard.

You're taunting this poor bastard. [applause and cheering]

[applause and cheering]

[applause and cheering] I sat in traffic for one, [laughter]

I sat in traffic for one, [laughter]

I sat in traffic for one, [laughter] two,

two,

two, three hours

three hours

three hours for this.

for this.

for this. I'm burning alive. [laughter]

I'm burning alive. [laughter]

I'm burning alive. [laughter] By the way, congrats to World Cup

By the way, congrats to World Cup

By the way, congrats to World Cup champions. Spain, Espa, clearly the best

champions. Spain, Espa, clearly the best

champions. Spain, Espa, clearly the best team in this year's tournament. And they

team in this year's tournament. And they

team in this year's tournament. And they celebrated receiving the World Cup

celebrated receiving the World Cup

celebrated receiving the World Cup trophy with a trophy hoist, which is

trophy with a trophy hoist, which is

trophy with a trophy hoist, which is traditionally, it's a moment that is

traditionally, it's a moment that is

traditionally, it's a moment that is shared really only by the players. A

shared really only by the players. A

shared really only by the players. A special moment that is only for the

special moment that is only for the

special moment that is only for the players. IT IS REALLY WHAT THE ARE YOU

players. IT IS REALLY WHAT THE ARE YOU

players. IT IS REALLY WHAT THE ARE YOU DOING ON THE STAGE? IT'S FOR THE

DOING ON THE STAGE? IT'S FOR THE

DOING ON THE STAGE? IT'S FOR THE PLAYERS. GOD DAMN.

PLAYERS. GOD DAMN.

PLAYERS. GOD DAMN. Why must everything be tainted by the

Why must everything be tainted by the

Why must everything be tainted by the overinflated

overinflated

overinflated ego of cankles mold? Why?

ego of cankles mold? Why?

ego of cankles mold? Why? Why? I will admit this. Afterwards,

Why? I will admit this. Afterwards,

Why? I will admit this. Afterwards, Trump had some really insightful

Trump had some really insightful

Trump had some really insightful postgame analysis.

postgame analysis.

postgame analysis. >> I thought it was incredible. It was four

>> I thought it was incredible. It was four

>> I thought it was incredible. It was four times greater than any FIFA ever held.

What's a FIFA?

What's a FIFA?

What's a FIFA? How do you hold a FIFA? How could our

How do you hold a FIFA? How could our

How do you hold a FIFA? How could our FIFA be four times greater than any

FIFA be four times greater than any

FIFA be four times greater than any other FIFA?

other FIFA?

other FIFA? >> That is probably about five times

>> That is probably about five times

>> That is probably about five times actually, they're telling me today.

[cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] [applause]

>> Is that what they told you?

>> Is that what they told you?

>> Is that what they told you? You know, they're telling you that

You know, they're telling you that

You know, they're telling you that because everyone around you lies to you

because everyone around you lies to you

because everyone around you lies to you because you're a weirdo.

because you're a weirdo.

because you're a weirdo. Can we go back a second, though? And I

Can we go back a second, though? And I

Can we go back a second, though? And I don't mean to.

don't mean to.

don't mean to. What's up with the guy behind Trump? Can

What's up with the guy behind Trump? Can

What's up with the guy behind Trump? Can we see that again? Can you bring that

we see that again? Can you bring that

we see that again? Can you bring that out? What the Who the is this guy?

out? What the Who the is this guy?

out? What the Who the is this guy? Who the [\h__\h] is this? Is this What? Who

Who the [\h__\h] is this? Is this What? Who

Who the [\h__\h] is this? Is this What? Who in the world is it? Oh my god. IS THAT A

in the world is it? Oh my god. IS THAT A

in the world is it? Oh my god. IS THAT A BACKUP TRUMP? Is that WAIT A MINUTE.

BACKUP TRUMP? Is that WAIT A MINUTE.

BACKUP TRUMP? Is that WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND.

WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND.

WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND. WAIT, WHAT? WAIT, WHO? WHAT?

Is that a backup Trump or is that Trump?

Is that a backup Trump or is that Trump?

Is that a backup Trump or is that Trump? Wait, is the one we've BEEN DEALING WITH

Wait, is the one we've BEEN DEALING WITH

Wait, is the one we've BEEN DEALING WITH BACKUP TRUMP or is that Trump's? But

let's move on from the World Cup final

let's move on from the World Cup final

let's move on from the World Cup final to something with no actual end in

to something with no actual end in

to something with no actual end in sight. The Iran war. The Iran war is

sight. The Iran war. The Iran war is

sight. The Iran war. The Iran war is reigniting. And as escalation continues

reigniting. And as escalation continues

reigniting. And as escalation continues with more intense and widespread

with more intense and widespread

with more intense and widespread bombing. There's no sign that either

bombing. There's no sign that either

bombing. There's no sign that either side is prepared in any way to GOD. THIS

side is prepared in any way to GOD. THIS

side is prepared in any way to GOD. THIS IS YOU'RE NOT IN THIS GRAPHIC.

IS YOU'RE NOT IN THIS GRAPHIC.

IS YOU'RE NOT IN THIS GRAPHIC. YOU'RE NOT IN this graphic. WHAT? WE

YOU'RE NOT IN this graphic. WHAT? WE

YOU'RE NOT IN this graphic. WHAT? WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS. YOU'RE NOT IN

HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS. YOU'RE NOT IN

HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS. YOU'RE NOT IN THIS GRAPH. GET HIM OUT OF THE GRAPHIC.

THIS GRAPH. GET HIM OUT OF THE GRAPHIC.

THIS GRAPH. GET HIM OUT OF THE GRAPHIC. You're

You're

You're [applause]

[applause]

[applause] [cheering]

so needy. [applause]

Is that real Trump or backup Trump? I

Is that real Trump or backup Trump? I

Is that real Trump or backup Trump? I don't know what's happening. Anyway,

don't know what's happening. Anyway,

don't know what's happening. Anyway, clearly the war is escalating and

clearly the war is escalating and

clearly the war is escalating and Americans are rightly concerned that we

Americans are rightly concerned that we

Americans are rightly concerned that we will be drawn even further into a war

will be drawn even further into a war

will be drawn even further into a war that has already cost too much in

that has already cost too much in

that has already cost too much in American lives and money. And so it was

American lives and money. And so it was

American lives and money. And so it was that Donald Trump delivered a prime time

that Donald Trump delivered a prime time

that Donald Trump delivered a prime time national speech on Thursday night to

national speech on Thursday night to

national speech on Thursday night to address this urgent situation. In mid

address this urgent situation. In mid

address this urgent situation. In mid 2018, China was working to influence the

2018, China was working to influence the

2018, China was working to influence the results of the US midterm elections and

results of the US midterm elections and

results of the US midterm elections and later the results of the 2020

later the results of the 2020

later the results of the 2020 presidential election. is so they wanted

presidential election. is so they wanted

presidential election. is so they wanted to just make you sound like your

to just make you sound like your

to just make you sound like your president wasn't so hot when actually

president wasn't so hot when actually

president wasn't so hot when actually your president has done a great job.

your president has done a great job.

your president has done a great job. [laughter]

[laughter]

Those Chinese bastards.

Those Chinese bastards.

Those Chinese bastards. I'll have you know both presidents Trump

I'll have you know both presidents Trump

I'll have you know both presidents Trump are hot as

are hot as

are hot as and doing a great job. Blue tie is doing

and doing a great job. Blue tie is doing

and doing a great job. Blue tie is doing a little better than red tie but still.

a little better than red tie but still.

a little better than red tie but still. But yes, apparently the president of the

But yes, apparently the president of the

But yes, apparently the president of the United States called this meeting to

United States called this meeting to

United States called this meeting to announce a new entry in his longunning

announce a new entry in his longunning

announce a new entry in his longunning mystery series 2020 election. What had

mystery series 2020 election. What had

mystery series 2020 election. What had happened was

happened was

happened was >> with the turn of a dial or the change of

>> with the turn of a dial or the change of

>> with the turn of a dial or the change of a chip, you can press a button for Trump

a chip, you can press a button for Trump

a chip, you can press a button for Trump and the vote goes to Biden. Illegal

and the vote goes to Biden. Illegal

and the vote goes to Biden. Illegal aliens and dead people are voting.

aliens and dead people are voting.

aliens and dead people are voting. >> Big technology companies censored the

>> Big technology companies censored the

>> Big technology companies censored the Hunter Biden laptop story which

Hunter Biden laptop story which

Hunter Biden laptop story which independent analysis have said cost

independent analysis have said cost

independent analysis have said cost Donald Trump millions of votes.

Donald Trump millions of votes.

Donald Trump millions of votes. >> Sure,

>> Sure,

>> Sure, that surely would have changed the

that surely would have changed the

that surely would have changed the outcome. I remember back in 2020 when we

outcome. I remember back in 2020 when we

outcome. I remember back in 2020 when we were all wearing masks and socially

were all wearing masks and socially

were all wearing masks and socially distancing for fear we would come across

distancing for fear we would come across

distancing for fear we would come across a Hunter Biden dickpick.

SO NOW THEY'VE SETTLED ON MAYBE CHINA

SO NOW THEY'VE SETTLED ON MAYBE CHINA

SO NOW THEY'VE SETTLED ON MAYBE CHINA did it. A theory that lasted all the way

did it. A theory that lasted all the way

did it. A theory that lasted all the way until a few minutes after Thursday

until a few minutes after Thursday

until a few minutes after Thursday night's speech when reporters caught up

night's speech when reporters caught up

night's speech when reporters caught up with John Solomon, the guy Trump hired

with John Solomon, the guy Trump hired

with John Solomon, the guy Trump hired to find any evidence that China did it.

to find any evidence that China did it.

to find any evidence that China did it. You acknowledge that there were no votes

You acknowledge that there were no votes

You acknowledge that there were no votes changed in 2020?

changed in 2020?

changed in 2020? >> I I all I can acknowledge is what the

>> I I all I can acknowledge is what the

>> I I all I can acknowledge is what the intelligence shows, right? I only know

intelligence shows, right? I only know

intelligence shows, right? I only know the intelligence community has zero

the intelligence community has zero

the intelligence community has zero evidence that someone has flipped a that

evidence that someone has flipped a that

evidence that someone has flipped a that a foreign power flipped a vote in

a foreign power flipped a vote in

a foreign power flipped a vote in 2020,22 or 24. The

2020,22 or 24. The

2020,22 or 24. The >> 2020 election was in fact the results as

>> 2020 election was in fact the results as

>> 2020 election was in fact the results as we the American public

we the American public

we the American public >> I'm still researching. So let me let me

>> I'm still researching. So let me let me

>> I'm still researching. So let me let me this is the first

this is the first

this is the first >> but there's no intelligence on

>> but there's no intelligence on

>> but there's no intelligence on there is no intelligence.

>> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] [cheering]

>> Can [applause]

>> Can [applause]

>> Can [applause] Can he still see me? [laughter]

Can he still see me? [laughter]

Can he still see me? [laughter] MAN'S LITERALLY BACKPEDALING. LOOK, WE

MAN'S LITERALLY BACKPEDALING. LOOK, WE

MAN'S LITERALLY BACKPEDALING. LOOK, WE HAVE FUN, but I'm not actually worried

HAVE FUN, but I'm not actually worried

HAVE FUN, but I'm not actually worried about our election security because we

about our election security because we

about our election security because we have a robust cyber security and

have a robust cyber security and

have a robust cyber security and infrastructure agency that monitors

infrastructure agency that monitors

infrastructure agency that monitors threats to our system. And knowing that

threats to our system. And knowing that

threats to our system. And knowing that that's a priority of the Trump

that's a priority of the Trump

that's a priority of the Trump administration gives me great comfort.

administration gives me great comfort.

administration gives me great comfort. Trump fired a third of the workers last

Trump fired a third of the workers last

Trump fired a third of the workers last year at SISA, the Cyber Security and

year at SISA, the Cyber Security and

year at SISA, the Cyber Security and Infrastructure Agency. NO.

WELL, that news

WELL, that news

WELL, that news would have me [\h__\h] my pants

would have me [\h__\h] my pants

would have me [\h__\h] my pants if I wasn't already

[\h__\h] my pants

[\h__\h] my pants

[\h__\h] my pants due to the cuts to our food monitoring

due to the cuts to our food monitoring

due to the cuts to our food monitoring system.

system.

system. that has PRODUCED

[applause]

a nationwide diarrhea outbreak.

a nationwide diarrhea outbreak.

a nationwide diarrhea outbreak. [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] But at least WE HAVE THAT OUTBREAK UNDER

But at least WE HAVE THAT OUTBREAK UNDER

But at least WE HAVE THAT OUTBREAK UNDER CONTROL AS OUR INCREDIBLY competent FDA

CONTROL AS OUR INCREDIBLY competent FDA

CONTROL AS OUR INCREDIBLY competent FDA has finally identified THE SOURCE OF THE

has finally identified THE SOURCE OF THE

has finally identified THE SOURCE OF THE OUTBREAK.

OUTBREAK.

OUTBREAK. >> The Food and Drug Administration now

>> The Food and Drug Administration now

>> The Food and Drug Administration now taking back what it said about the

taking back what it said about the

taking back what it said about the source of the cycllospora outbreak. The

source of the cycllospora outbreak. The

source of the cycllospora outbreak. The FDA now says the sample from Mexico

FDA now says the sample from Mexico

FDA now says the sample from Mexico based Taylor Farms was a false positive.

based Taylor Farms was a false positive.

based Taylor Farms was a false positive. The FDA admitted it made a mistake and

The FDA admitted it made a mistake and

The FDA admitted it made a mistake and apologized.

Don't apologize to me. Apologize to this

Don't apologize to me. Apologize to this

Don't apologize to me. Apologize to this great nation's gaping, burning anus.

[applause]

[applause]

[applause] [cheering] YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

[cheering] YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

[cheering] YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

ABOUT.

ABOUT. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE QUESTIONS BEFORE THE SHOW.

Many of these people are here even

Many of these people are here even

Many of these people are here even though clearly have diarrhea.

But you know what? DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.

But you know what? DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.

But you know what? DOESN'T EVEN MATTER. IT'S FINE. WE'RE OKAY. We can still

IT'S FINE. WE'RE OKAY. We can still

IT'S FINE. WE'RE OKAY. We can still soothe our burning anuses in the cool,

soothe our burning anuses in the cool,

soothe our burning anuses in the cool, crystalclear waters of our nation's

crystalclear waters of our nation's

crystalclear waters of our nation's Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool.

Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool.

Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool. Tonight,

Tonight,

Tonight, the reflecting pool in the nation's

the reflecting pool in the nation's

the reflecting pool in the nation's capital being drained again.

capital being drained again.

capital being drained again. >> No,

>> No,

>> No, THE REFLECTING POOL'S CLOSED. WHERE WILL

THE REFLECTING POOL'S CLOSED. WHERE WILL

THE REFLECTING POOL'S CLOSED. WHERE WILL WE WASH OUR LETTUCE?

You know,

You know,

You know, I'm starting to get the sense that this

I'm starting to get the sense that this

I'm starting to get the sense that this administration is not as competent.

administration is not as competent.

administration is not as competent. [laughter]

[laughter]

Stay with me.

Stay with me.

Stay with me. not as competent as we've been led to

not as competent as we've been led to

not as competent as we've been led to believe.

believe.

believe. And it's not just the pool or the

And it's not just the pool or the

And it's not just the pool or the diarrhea.

diarrhea.

diarrhea. Trump said he was going to cut our

Trump said he was going to cut our

Trump said he was going to cut our energy bills in half. Electricity is up

energy bills in half. Electricity is up

energy bills in half. Electricity is up 18%. HE SAID GAS PRICES WOULD GO BELOW

18%. HE SAID GAS PRICES WOULD GO BELOW

18%. HE SAID GAS PRICES WOULD GO BELOW TWO bucks a gallon. It's up to four

TWO bucks a gallon. It's up to four

TWO bucks a gallon. It's up to four bucks a gallon. He said he was going to

bucks a gallon. He said he was going to

bucks a gallon. He said he was going to stop new wars. He's bombed at least

stop new wars. He's bombed at least

stop new wars. He's bombed at least seven other countries. HE SAID HE WAS

seven other countries. HE SAID HE WAS

seven other countries. HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO LEAD A BOOM IN MANUFACTURING

GOING TO LEAD A BOOM IN MANUFACTURING

GOING TO LEAD A BOOM IN MANUFACTURING JOBS. WE'VE LOST TENS OF THOUSANDS OF

JOBS. WE'VE LOST TENS OF THOUSANDS OF

JOBS. WE'VE LOST TENS OF THOUSANDS OF MANUFACTURING JOBS. THEY SAID THEY WOULD

MANUFACTURING JOBS. THEY SAID THEY WOULD

MANUFACTURING JOBS. THEY SAID THEY WOULD BE SAYING UH SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS

BE SAYING UH SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS

BE SAYING UH SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS AGAIN. No one's wished me merry

AGAIN. No one's wished me merry

AGAIN. No one's wished me merry Christmas in my life.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] This country was going to enter a golden

This country was going to enter a golden

This country was going to enter a golden age because only qualified people would

age because only qualified people would

age because only qualified people would be in charge. Now they promised no more

be in charge. Now they promised no more

be in charge. Now they promised no more of the woke [\h__\h] that had held this

of the woke [\h__\h] that had held this

of the woke [\h__\h] that had held this country down for so long. We will

country down for so long. We will

country down for so long. We will terminate every diversity, equity, and

terminate every diversity, equity, and

terminate every diversity, equity, and inclusion program.

inclusion program.

inclusion program. >> DEI is a cancer. It's a cancer that

>> DEI is a cancer. It's a cancer that

>> DEI is a cancer. It's a cancer that destroys merit. We want the most

destroys merit. We want the most

destroys merit. We want the most competent people. They have to be at the

competent people. They have to be at the

competent people. They have to be at the highest level of genius. A meritocracy.

highest level of genius. A meritocracy.

highest level of genius. A meritocracy. Isn't that a beautiful word? A

Isn't that a beautiful word? A

Isn't that a beautiful word? A meritocracy.

meritocracy.

meritocracy. >> Merritocracy. It is a beautiful word.

>> Merritocracy. It is a beautiful word.

>> Merritocracy. It is a beautiful word. Where the is it?

Where the is it?

Where the is it? [cheering] Where is this meritocracy?

[cheering] Where is this meritocracy?

[cheering] Where is this meritocracy? WE HAVE SEEN NO EVIDENCE OF IT.

WE HAVE SEEN NO EVIDENCE OF IT.

WE HAVE SEEN NO EVIDENCE OF IT. NONE. [applause]

NONE. [applause]

NONE. [applause] It's just another word like diiainus or

It's just another word like diiainus or

It's just another word like diiainus or jimothy.

>> [laughter]

>> May I just say something quickly about

>> May I just say something quickly about

>> May I just say something quickly about Jimothy? Hear me out. Hear me out.

Jimothy? Hear me out. Hear me out.

Jimothy? Hear me out. Hear me out. I [\h__\h] with Jimothy.

I [\h__\h] with Jimothy.

I [\h__\h] with Jimothy. I [\h__\h] with Jimothy. I with him heavy.

I [\h__\h] with Jimothy. I with him heavy.

I [\h__\h] with Jimothy. I with him heavy. Now I know some of you were perhaps

Now I know some of you were perhaps

Now I know some of you were perhaps worried about what I might say because

worried about what I might say because

worried about what I might say because of my previous punch kurfuffle.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] >> Let me tell you people something.

>> Let me tell you people something.

>> Let me tell you people something. Jimothy is everything Punch wishes he

Jimothy is everything Punch wishes he

Jimothy is everything Punch wishes he could be.

could be.

could be. YES. YES. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK AT JIMOTHY.

YES. YES. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK AT JIMOTHY.

YES. YES. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK AT JIMOTHY. LOOK AT HIM COORTING. THAT'S HIS FAMILY

LOOK AT HIM COORTING. THAT'S HIS FAMILY

LOOK AT HIM COORTING. THAT'S HIS FAMILY COORTING WITH JIMOTHY WHEN HE WAS A

COORTING WITH JIMOTHY WHEN HE WAS A

COORTING WITH JIMOTHY WHEN HE WAS A BABY. LOOK AT THEM ALL. THEY LOVE

BABY. LOOK AT THEM ALL. THEY LOVE

BABY. LOOK AT THEM ALL. THEY LOVE JIMOTHY. That's not my judgment. That is

JIMOTHY. That's not my judgment. That is

JIMOTHY. That's not my judgment. That is the judgment of the community. They have

the judgment of the community. They have

the judgment of the community. They have decided it not an easy decision, by the

decided it not an easy decision, by the

decided it not an easy decision, by the way. [laughter]

way. [laughter]

way. [laughter] I'm sure at first they were like, "Is

I'm sure at first they were like, "Is

I'm sure at first they were like, "Is that a raccoon or an ottoman? I don't

that a raccoon or an ottoman? I don't

that a raccoon or an ottoman? I don't know what's happening."

know what's happening."

know what's happening." But I'll tell you what, I think Jimothy

But I'll tell you what, I think Jimothy

But I'll tell you what, I think Jimothy is

is

is a short king.

a short king.

a short king. [applause]

[cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] Point is, [applause]

Point is, [applause]

Point is, [applause] Jimothy has merit. Unlike all those that

Jimothy has merit. Unlike all those that

Jimothy has merit. Unlike all those that were running the government before Trump

were running the government before Trump

were running the government before Trump and Trump's merry band of gifted and

and Trump's merry band of gifted and

and Trump's merry band of gifted and talented technocrats stepped in to save

talented technocrats stepped in to save

talented technocrats stepped in to save the day. First stop for them to save the

the day. First stop for them to save the

the day. First stop for them to save the day was the economy. No longer would our

day was the economy. No longer would our

day was the economy. No longer would our nation's growth engine be hijacked by

nation's growth engine be hijacked by

nation's growth engine be hijacked by lesbians and Latin X's. No, the best and

lesbians and Latin X's. No, the best and

lesbians and Latin X's. No, the best and the brightest would be in charge from

the brightest would be in charge from

the brightest would be in charge from here on out, and the results to the

here on out, and the results to the

here on out, and the results to the economy would be immediate. I think

economy would be immediate. I think

economy would be immediate. I think we're off to a great start and President

we're off to a great start and President

we're off to a great start and President Trump's going to bring back the golden

Trump's going to bring back the golden

Trump's going to bring back the golden age.

age.

age. >> Yes.

>> Yes.

>> Yes. But unfortunately, DEI had a greater

But unfortunately, DEI had a greater

But unfortunately, DEI had a greater strangle hold on the levers of our

strangle hold on the levers of our

strangle hold on the levers of our government than we had originally

government than we had originally

government than we had originally thought.

thought.

thought. >> The first quarter surely Biden.

>> The first quarter surely Biden.

>> The first quarter surely Biden. >> Oh, all right. Well, the first quarter

>> Oh, all right. Well, the first quarter

>> Oh, all right. Well, the first quarter then Q2 that ends in April. So, April

then Q2 that ends in April. So, April

then Q2 that ends in April. So, April [clears throat] is when our best and

[clears throat] is when our best and

[clears throat] is when our best and brightest finally. It's coming and it's

brightest finally. It's coming and it's

brightest finally. It's coming and it's coming now. And I tell you what, it

coming now. And I tell you what, it

coming now. And I tell you what, it feels great.

[laughter]

>> Enough about your Epstein testimony.

>> Enough about your Epstein testimony.

>> Enough about your Epstein testimony. >> What about the economy?

>> What about the economy?

>> What about the economy? >> In the not too distant future, I think

>> In the not too distant future, I think

>> In the not too distant future, I think we will be back to firing on all

we will be back to firing on all

we will be back to firing on all cylinders.

So may over the next three months.

>> So the economy will be fixed by our

>> So the economy will be fixed by our

>> So the economy will be fixed by our meritocracy three months by August of

meritocracy three months by August of

meritocracy three months by August of 2025.

2025.

2025. >> I think we're going to really pick up in

>> I think we're going to really pick up in

>> I think we're going to really pick up in the fourth quarter.

the fourth quarter.

the fourth quarter. [laughter]

So no later than December of 2025.

So no later than December of 2025.

So no later than December of 2025. I think we are at the cusp of of the the

I think we are at the cusp of of the the

I think we are at the cusp of of the the liftoff in 2026 2027.

liftoff in 2026 2027.

liftoff in 2026 2027. [laughter]

That is a long liftoff.

That is a long liftoff.

That is a long liftoff. Generally a liftoff is 10

Generally a liftoff is 10

Generally a liftoff is 10 nine 8 not

nine 8 not

nine 8 not January

January

January February March. Well, you know what? If

February March. Well, you know what? If

February March. Well, you know what? If this ever competent administration can't

this ever competent administration can't

this ever competent administration can't turn this wokel laden economy around,

turn this wokel laden economy around,

turn this wokel laden economy around, they still have options.

they still have options.

they still have options. >> Well, maybe the children will have two

>> Well, maybe the children will have two

>> Well, maybe the children will have two dolls instead of 30 dolls, you know, and

dolls instead of 30 dolls, you know, and

dolls instead of 30 dolls, you know, and maybe the two dolls will cost a couple

maybe the two dolls will cost a couple

maybe the two dolls will cost a couple of bucks more than they would dog.

of bucks more than they would dog.

of bucks more than they would dog. >> See, that's what the competence has

>> See, that's what the competence has

>> See, that's what the competence has gotten us. That's what the meritocracy

gotten us. That's what the meritocracy

gotten us. That's what the meritocracy has done for us. The economy is going to

has done for us. The economy is going to

has done for us. The economy is going to boom in a month, in a year, in two

boom in a month, in a year, in two

boom in a month, in a year, in two years. You know what? HOW MANY DOLLARS

years. You know what? HOW MANY DOLLARS

years. You know what? HOW MANY DOLLARS DO YOU PEOPLE NEED? JUST GET TWO AND CUT

DO YOU PEOPLE NEED? JUST GET TWO AND CUT

DO YOU PEOPLE NEED? JUST GET TWO AND CUT THEM INTO PIECES. NOW YOU GOT 16. Older

THEM INTO PIECES. NOW YOU GOT 16. Older

THEM INTO PIECES. NOW YOU GOT 16. Older kids get the tops. Younger ones get the

kids get the tops. Younger ones get the

kids get the tops. Younger ones get the bottoms. [laughter] Punch gets

bottoms. [laughter] Punch gets

bottoms. [laughter] Punch gets whatever's left over.

whatever's left over.

whatever's left over. This [applause]

This meritocracy talk was a sham from

This meritocracy talk was a sham from

This meritocracy talk was a sham from the get-go. Remember once uber capable

the get-go. Remember once uber capable

the get-go. Remember once uber capable Elon Musk doed out the unworthy woke

Elon Musk doed out the unworthy woke

Elon Musk doed out the unworthy woke deep state minorities? We were supposed

deep state minorities? We were supposed

deep state minorities? We were supposed to have been cooking with

to have been cooking with

to have been cooking with whatever is available to use as fuel.

whatever is available to use as fuel.

whatever is available to use as fuel. >> Doge firing thousands of IRS workers,

>> Doge firing thousands of IRS workers,

>> Doge firing thousands of IRS workers, creating chaos.

creating chaos.

creating chaos. >> Hundreds of layoffs at the Centers for

>> Hundreds of layoffs at the Centers for

>> Hundreds of layoffs at the Centers for Disease Control, the FAA, and FEMA.

Disease Control, the FAA, and FEMA.

Disease Control, the FAA, and FEMA. >> 3,500 jobs from the FDA. Hundreds of

>> 3,500 jobs from the FDA. Hundreds of

>> 3,500 jobs from the FDA. Hundreds of senior staff at the Department of

senior staff at the Department of

senior staff at the Department of Homeland Security making cuts to the

Homeland Security making cuts to the

Homeland Security making cuts to the National Weather Service as severe

National Weather Service as severe

National Weather Service as severe weather moves into the south.

weather moves into the south.

weather moves into the south. >> Laid off nearly all federal workers who

>> Laid off nearly all federal workers who

>> Laid off nearly all federal workers who investigate firefighter deaths.

investigate firefighter deaths.

investigate firefighter deaths. Accidentally fired some veterinarians

Accidentally fired some veterinarians

Accidentally fired some veterinarians and animal health technicians working to

and animal health technicians working to

and animal health technicians working to prevent the spread of bird flu.

prevent the spread of bird flu.

prevent the spread of bird flu. >> You fired the [laughter] people trying

>> You fired the [laughter] people trying

>> You fired the [laughter] people trying to prevent bird flu.

to prevent bird flu.

to prevent bird flu. Who's going to teach birds how to sneeze

Who's going to teach birds how to sneeze

Who's going to teach birds how to sneeze into their elbow?

All right, maybe Doge sending in teenage

All right, maybe Doge sending in teenage

All right, maybe Doge sending in teenage Uber menches to gut entire departments

Uber menches to gut entire departments

Uber menches to gut entire departments on ideological grounds might have led to

on ideological grounds might have led to

on ideological grounds might have led to some problems. But hey, at least they

some problems. But hey, at least they

some problems. But hey, at least they reduce the federal deficit.

reduce the federal deficit.

reduce the federal deficit. >> I think it was more important to reduce

>> I think it was more important to reduce

>> I think it was more important to reduce the federal deficit from $2 trillion to

the federal deficit from $2 trillion to

the federal deficit from $2 trillion to close to zero.

close to zero.

close to zero. >> Did you reduce the federal deficit?

>> Did you reduce the federal deficit?

>> Did you reduce the federal deficit? >> No, we didn't.

>> No, we didn't.

>> No, we didn't. [laughter]

Well, the the real treasure was the

Well, the the real treasure was the

Well, the the real treasure was the friends you made along the way. Oh,

friends you made along the way. Oh,

friends you made along the way. Oh, wait. You made no friends. Up and down

wait. You made no friends. Up and down

wait. You made no friends. Up and down this administration, we were promised

this administration, we were promised

this administration, we were promised meritocracy. We got ideologues and talk

meritocracy. We got ideologues and talk

meritocracy. We got ideologues and talk show hosts who, as we reignite a new war

show hosts who, as we reignite a new war

show hosts who, as we reignite a new war with Iran to reopen the strait that they

with Iran to reopen the strait that they

with Iran to reopen the strait that they closed because of our original war,

closed because of our original war,

closed because of our original war, throw out [\h__\h] like this. Today, I'm

throw out [\h__\h] like this. Today, I'm

throw out [\h__\h] like this. Today, I'm authorizing a new screening program for

authorizing a new screening program for

authorizing a new screening program for testosterone deficiency for our service

testosterone deficiency for our service

testosterone deficiency for our service members, ensuring you have the right

members, ensuring you have the right

members, ensuring you have the right testosterone levels to operate at your

testosterone levels to operate at your

testosterone levels to operate at your absolute best.

That's right. Hey, you can't spell

That's right. Hey, you can't spell

That's right. Hey, you can't spell meritocracy without more T.

Yeah, that's right. [laughter]

Yeah, that's right. [laughter]

Yeah, that's right. [laughter] Watch out, Iran. We just declared war on

Watch out, Iran. We just declared war on

Watch out, Iran. We just declared war on de's nuts.

de's nuts.

de's nuts. Or how about health and human services?

Or how about health and human services?

Or how about health and human services? How's old Robert F. Kennedy Jr. doing

How's old Robert F. Kennedy Jr. doing

How's old Robert F. Kennedy Jr. doing with that?

with that?

with that? >> A growing measles outbreak,

>> A growing measles outbreak,

>> A growing measles outbreak, >> deadly outbreak of the HA virus.

>> deadly outbreak of the HA virus.

>> deadly outbreak of the HA virus. >> The flesheating screworm is spreading

>> The flesheating screworm is spreading

>> The flesheating screworm is spreading beyond Texas.

beyond Texas.

beyond Texas. >> So help me God.

>> So help me God.

>> So help me God. If Jimothy gets screworm,

I will go crazy.

I will go crazy.

I will go crazy. But it's okay, folks. There's no need to

But it's okay, folks. There's no need to

But it's okay, folks. There's no need to be concerned that public health will

be concerned that public health will

be concerned that public health will suffer from unqualified,

suffer from unqualified,

suffer from unqualified, incomprehensible leadership. They've

incomprehensible leadership. They've

incomprehensible leadership. They've already dealt with the real problem.

already dealt with the real problem.

already dealt with the real problem. >> We cut a billion dollars worth of DEI

>> We cut a billion dollars worth of DEI

>> We cut a billion dollars worth of DEI studies. DEI research has never cured

studies. DEI research has never cured

studies. DEI research has never cured any disease. It's never produced any new

any disease. It's never produced any new

any disease. It's never produced any new drug.

drug.

drug. >> Okay?

>> Okay?

>> Okay? >> Now, excuse for a moment that what he

>> Now, excuse for a moment that what he

>> Now, excuse for a moment that what he just said is factually

just said is factually

just said is factually wrong. that the broad nature of what

wrong. that the broad nature of what

wrong. that the broad nature of what they consider DEI would exclude

they consider DEI would exclude

they consider DEI would exclude treatments for cickle cell anemia,

treatments for cickle cell anemia,

treatments for cickle cell anemia, autism, pregnancy complication, women's

autism, pregnancy complication, women's

autism, pregnancy complication, women's cardiovascular health, and many other

cardiovascular health, and many other

cardiovascular health, and many other great advances made by the people you

great advances made by the people you

great advances made by the people you all consider suspect. But for you,

all consider suspect. But for you,

all consider suspect. But for you, Robert Kennedy Jr. of all people to have

Robert Kennedy Jr. of all people to have

Robert Kennedy Jr. of all people to have the balls to hop on board the anti-dei

the balls to hop on board the anti-dei

the balls to hop on board the anti-dei only meritocracy train. Mother,

only meritocracy train. Mother,

only meritocracy train. Mother, if your name wasn't Kennedy, here's how

if your name wasn't Kennedy, here's how

if your name wasn't Kennedy, here's how all your job interviews would go.

all your job interviews would go.

all your job interviews would go. Uh, it says, uh, here you are a heroin

Uh, it says, uh, here you are a heroin

Uh, it says, uh, here you are a heroin addict

who eats roadkill.

Um,

>> do you have any references with

>> do you have any references with

>> do you have any references with >> I mean I knew Harvey Weinstein. Bill

>> I mean I knew Harvey Weinstein. Bill

>> I mean I knew Harvey Weinstein. Bill Cosby came to my house. I was on Jeffrey

Cosby came to my house. I was on Jeffrey

Cosby came to my house. I was on Jeffrey Epstein's jet two times. Welcome aboard.

Epstein's jet two times. Welcome aboard.

Epstein's jet two times. Welcome aboard. [applause]

[applause]

[applause] You know,

it's insane. [cheering]

it's insane. [cheering]

it's insane. [cheering] This whole thing is insane. It's one

This whole thing is insane. It's one

This whole thing is insane. It's one thing to fall short in his duty to

thing to fall short in his duty to

thing to fall short in his duty to country, but Trump's meritocracy is even

country, but Trump's meritocracy is even

country, but Trump's meritocracy is even struggling with the one thing Trump was

struggling with the one thing Trump was

struggling with the one thing Trump was supposed to be good at. Petty revenge.

supposed to be good at. Petty revenge.

supposed to be good at. Petty revenge. Like the cases he tried to bring against

Like the cases he tried to bring against

Like the cases he tried to bring against James Comey and New York Attorney

James Comey and New York Attorney

James Comey and New York Attorney General Leticia James.

General Leticia James.

General Leticia James. >> Tonight, a federal judge throwing out

>> Tonight, a federal judge throwing out

>> Tonight, a federal judge throwing out both criminal cases against two of

both criminal cases against two of

both criminal cases against two of President Trump's biggest political

President Trump's biggest political

President Trump's biggest political foes.

foes.

foes. >> Judge Cameron Curry finding the

>> Judge Cameron Curry finding the

>> Judge Cameron Curry finding the prosecutor Lindseay Halligan was not an

prosecutor Lindseay Halligan was not an

prosecutor Lindseay Halligan was not an attorney authorized by law to conduct

attorney authorized by law to conduct

attorney authorized by law to conduct grand jury proceedings.

grand jury proceedings.

grand jury proceedings. Well, you can't spell meritocracy with

Well, you can't spell meritocracy with

Well, you can't spell meritocracy with Well, I I I think actually they can't

Well, I I I think actually they can't

Well, I I I think actually they can't spell it. Um,

spell it. Um,

spell it. Um, [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] >> but forget lawfare. Trump's meritocracy

>> but forget lawfare. Trump's meritocracy

>> but forget lawfare. Trump's meritocracy couldn't even do state fair.

couldn't even do state fair.

couldn't even do state fair. >> More hiccups for the great American

>> More hiccups for the great American

>> More hiccups for the great American state fair at the National Mall.

state fair at the National Mall.

state fair at the National Mall. >> Struggling to draw a crowd.

>> Struggling to draw a crowd.

>> Struggling to draw a crowd. >> 10 states or territories did not show

>> 10 states or territories did not show

>> 10 states or territories did not show up.

up.

up. >> Pillars that hover above ground. Vinyl

>> Pillars that hover above ground. Vinyl

>> Pillars that hover above ground. Vinyl wrapped buildings have crinkled on

wrapped buildings have crinkled on

wrapped buildings have crinkled on occasion.

occasion.

occasion. >> The power went out in the food hall at

>> The power went out in the food hall at

>> The power went out in the food hall at one point and also on the ferris wheel.

one point and also on the ferris wheel.

one point and also on the ferris wheel. Part of the stage fell while dancers

Part of the stage fell while dancers

Part of the stage fell while dancers were rehearsing. They can't bring their

were rehearsing. They can't bring their

were rehearsing. They can't bring their own water.

own water.

own water. >> First responders treating people for

>> First responders treating people for

>> First responders treating people for heat related illnesses. Others huddling

heat related illnesses. Others huddling

heat related illnesses. Others huddling under a replica of President Trump's

under a replica of President Trump's

under a replica of President Trump's triumphal arch for shade.

Is there a better image [laughter]

Is there a better image [laughter]

Is there a better image [laughter] that represents the rise of Trump's

that represents the rise of Trump's

that represents the rise of Trump's meritocracy than the MAGA faithful

meritocracy than the MAGA faithful

meritocracy than the MAGA faithful huddling under a plywood replica of a

huddling under a plywood replica of a

huddling under a plywood replica of a memorial Trump is going to erect to

memorial Trump is going to erect to

memorial Trump is going to erect to himself using money that should have

himself using money that should have

himself using money that should have gone to the weather services that would

gone to the weather services that would

gone to the weather services that would have warned these people about the

have warned these people about the

have warned these people about the heatwave they were seeking refuge from.

heatwave they were seeking refuge from.

heatwave they were seeking refuge from. [applause]

[applause]

[applause] [cheering] OH LORDY.

[cheering] OH LORDY.

[cheering] OH LORDY. OH LORD.

OH LORD.

OH LORD. OH GREAT Donald Trump, bring me your

OH GREAT Donald Trump, bring me your

OH GREAT Donald Trump, bring me your heatstroked, your bored, your huddled

heatstroked, your bored, your huddled

heatstroked, your bored, your huddled masses yearning to rehydrate.

masses yearning to rehydrate.

masses yearning to rehydrate. For this is Trump's America. We were

For this is Trump's America. We were

For this is Trump's America. We were told over and over again that the

told over and over again that the

told over and over again that the problem in this country is that

problem in this country is that

problem in this country is that government only exists to the benefit of

government only exists to the benefit of

government only exists to the benefit of the entitled DEI mooching class. But the

the entitled DEI mooching class. But the

the entitled DEI mooching class. But the reality seems to be that their version

reality seems to be that their version

reality seems to be that their version of meritocracy only rewards legacy,

of meritocracy only rewards legacy,

of meritocracy only rewards legacy, feelalty, and access, leaving the rest

feelalty, and access, leaving the rest

feelalty, and access, leaving the rest of us with the real DEI.

of us with the real DEI.

of us with the real DEI. Diarrhea

Diarrhea

Diarrhea everywhere

everywhere

everywhere indefinitely.