Original subtitles

Guys, guys...

Oh, good, you're up. You can settle this.

Which one of us is the bigger pain in the ass?

Gina, I don't have time for this. I have a big problem.

Just pick one.

Fine-- Gina, you are the bigger pain in the ass.

Told you!

Okay, can you listen to me, please?

Okay, you remember how Alex was upstairs spying on her husband from my bedroom?

Well, when she fell asleep, I saw him kissing another woman.

Oh, my God.

I know, and she has no idea. She's up there sleeping like an angel.

And drooling like a bull mastiff.

So, what are you going to do? You going to tell her?

I don't know.

Well, I can tell you from personal experience,

you get news like that, you end up stabbing the messenger.

I think the saying is "shoot the messenger."

What saying?

You know what? I think you're right.

She shouldn't hear this from me. Eric should be the one to tell her.

I think I'm gonna go have a little chat with him.

Whoa, you think he's gonna listen to you?

Oh, yeah, he's pretty scared of me. He thinks we're in the Mafia.

Why, just 'cause we're Italian?

No, 'cause your mother told him we were.

Well, I think it makes us more colorful.

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Hey, Eric, can I talk to you for a second?

Uh, sure. Yeah. Come on in.

Thanks.

Okay, look, I saw something last night that I don't think I was supposed to see.

Oh, my God! Was there a hit?

What? Uh, is somebody sleeping with the fishes?

I am not in the Mafia!

Right. Right. Yeah.

The Feds.

Eric, Eric, Eric.

I saw you kissing that woman last night.

What? Um, look, no, it's not what it looks like.

Look, I know the excuses, okay? I've used them all.

She's an old friend. She's my sister.

She had peanut butter in her mouth and I was starving.

Okay. Um, does Alex know?

No. I didn't tell her.

Oh, thank God. Thank you.

Because I think she should hear it from you.

You're right.

You're right, I'll tell her.

Look, but things are pretty raw right now,

and we're kind of on shaky ground.

So, just let me find the right time.

Fine. But don't wait too long,

otherwise I'm gonna have to come back and see you.

Oh, my God.

With some of your...

"associates"?

That's right.

- Hey. - Hey.

What are you doing?

Well, this whole thing with Alex and Eric has got me thinking, you know.

Things are going so great with me and Sara that

I don't want to mess up and sleep with someone else.

So, you know what I'm going to do?

Become a different person?

No, no, I'm calling all the girls I used to go out with

and letting them know that I am now unavailable.

All right, let's see, who's next?

Joey...

you really think you're going to be able to give up other women?

Yeah. I think it's time.

I mean, I've had my fair share of women.

I've had at least one from every country, except for Iceland.

Really? That's the only kind of girl you've never been with?

Yup. Thought I had one once.

I spent the whole weekend with her. Turned out she was a Dane.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hi. - Hi, Michael.

Wow, you Tribbianis must have an amazing gene pool,

'cause you are one good-looking family.

Whoa.

Whoo!

Yeah, don't compliment him. It gets him confused.

What's this list of women's names?

Oh, I'm clearing the decks--

letting them all know that I am off the market.

Oh.

Yeah, that's a really great idea.

I think I'll call all my old flames.

- Mmm, let 'em down easy. - I will.

It's convenient, 'cause all the Tennessee Titans are at training camp.

- What?! - I'm kidding.

All right, I should go.

- Yeah, you should go. - Yeah, I should go.

- Good-bye. - Bye.

Michael, you mind giving us a little privacy?

Okay.

You know, I'm going to do this someday, 'cause I'm handsome.

Hello, I'm off the market.

I'm in a committed relationship now.

Joey, it's Bobbie.

Oh, hey, Bobbie, I was just, uh...

Oh, honey, I don't care what you were doing.

As long as you're off the steroids,

I don't need to know your business.

Uh, I was never on steroids.

Oh, sure, a forehead just grows that way on its own.

Anyway, great news.

Deep Powder just called,

and they want you to come in early for body makeup.

You have a big love scene today.

Really? I wish I didn't have to.

It'll be great. It's with Carmen Electra.

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Joey.

Joey.

I'm in big trouble.

I'm trying to be good, and now I have to do a love scene with Carmen Electra.

So what? You're... You'll be acting, right?

It's not like you'll be in an actual romantic situation with her. It's...

Oh, Michael... Michael... you regular people are so naive.

I have been in 75 love scenes in my career.

Now, do you know how many times that's led to actual sex?

- 75? - 244.

Hey.

Hey.

So, did you talk to Eric?

Yeah, yeah, he's going to tell Alex,

but he wants to wait till the right time.

Well, he better be nice to Shirley.

I think of her as Shirley to my Laverne.

Hello.

Oh, Sharon, thanks for calling me back.

Yeah, are the rest of the Hawaiian Tropic girls there?

Great, can you put me on speakerphone?

Okay, bad news, ladies.

Hey.

I just talked to Eric.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, we're separated, and he still wants me to call his mother for her birthday?!

I don't want to call her! That woman does not like me.

The first time I met her, she looked at my chest and said, "What's going on there?"

- Is that all you talked about? - Yeah.

I just, I can't believe him.

Who?

Eric.

I just had this really intense conversation with him.

Oh, he told me he was going to talk to you. Are you okay?

Joey, can I see you outside for a second?

Gina...

Alex is going through something right now.

Could you be a little sensitive?

Joey! On the patio! Now!

Boy, it's always about Gina!

I'm sorry. Go ahead, sweetie. Here... sit down.

Well, I'm just so mad, you know.

I mean, I know this is gonna sound harsh, but I hate that woman.

Alex, Eric has some responsibility in this, too.

Yeah, I guess.

You guess?

C'mon! He made out with her!

Eric made out with his mother?

What?!

First he's kissing that other woman, now he's making out with his mother?!

Hold it together, dude!

Joey, don't say anything!

He... he made out with her?

Yeah. I'm so sorry, Alex.

Me, too.

I can't believe this.

I know.

Hey...

A little heads-up would have been nice.

How could Eric do this? Aw, geez, Luigi, this is bad.

"Geez, Luigi"?!

What happened?

I mean, was it just a kiss, or did they actually...?

I-I don't know the details, okay?

That's why I felt it was important that Eric be the one to tell you.

But this was good, too.

We got separated so that we could work on the marriage.

And now he's off with another woman?!

I mean, I know I was spying on him,

but I never really thought he would do anything.

How am I going to forgive him for this?

Are you definitely going to forgive him?

Yeah. What else am I supposed to do?

Get mad!

Alex, this is a big deal. And this is not your only problem.

He's always on tour. When he is in town, you barely connect.

You don't have a passionate sex life.

Gina! Don't talk about my "S" life!

And now, you're separated for one day, and he's with someone else?!

And you're just going to accept this? You deserve better.

Okay, you're right. I'll talk to him.

Not talk to him-- yell at him.

I'm not much of a yeller.

Oh, then take Gina with you, she yells all the time.

You know, it might actually be good to have you there.

I mean, you know, as moral support.

That way, if I start to cave, you won't let me.

It's inappropriate.

It's almost certainly going to make things worse. I'll do it.

So... I just finished reading your scenes with Carmen Electra.

Yeah. They're pretty intense.

Get ready to blush.

I think I'll be okay.

Geez, Luigi!

- Oh, man, this is bad. - Yeah.

And it's Carmen Electra.

You put the two of us together in a love scene and it's a sexual time bomb.

Okay, okay, I need something to defuse it.

Something that's such a turn-off it'll de-sexualize any situation.

I need a living, breathing cold shower.

Hey buddy, you want to meet Carmen Electra?

- Sure! - Okay, come on.

Eric?

Eric?

I guess he's not home.

God, I can't believe he was in this room kissing another woman.

I'm just so angry, I could break something.

Do it. What's the most important thing he owns?

Well, his viola. But we can't break that. It means too much to him.

Okay, even better.

All we're going to do is take it...

and put it in the middle of the room.

And he'll see all the other stuff we messed with,

and he'll always wonder, "What did they do to my viola?"

Oh...

That will really fudge with his head.

I once did it to an ex-boyfriend of mine.

Oh, did he play an instrument?

No. It was a pound of hash.

Oh, God, there she is. There's Carmen Electra.

Here she comes. Okay, do not leave my side.

Okay, look... Be strong. Remember Sara.

Okay? You cannot leave her. She thinks I'm good-looking.

- Hey, Joey. - Hey.

I'm really excited we're working together.

You know, I'm a huge Days of Our Lives fan. I love Drake Ramoray.

Well, thanks. Yeah. Oh, hey, this is my nephew, Michael.

- Hi. - Hi. I'm Carmen.

Uh, your collar's a little up in the back.

- There you go. - Thanks.

Please have sex with her.

- Michael... - I'm sorry.

Look, you have a big problem here.

Joey!

I came down to watch your big scene.

Oh, hey, hey.

- Oh, and you. - Yeah.

Aw, gimme, gimme.

Oh, what are you doing here?

He's here to stop me from jumping into bed with Carmen Electra.

Oh, really? Well, who's stopping him from jumping in bed with me?

Why'd you scare him off? He was my buffer.

Well, why don't you want anything to happen with Carmen Electra?

She's the only woman I would sleep with...

or so I thought until last Saturday.

Sweet. Yeah... Okay, look, I'm just...

I'm worried because I just started in a committed relationship.

- You did what? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're being exclusive, and I...

- Exclusive?! - Yeah, yeah.

So if you could just get them to rewrite the script a little bit,

that would be great.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, we'll alert all writers and directors--

Joey Tribbiani is in a relationship.

Let's stop Hollywood.

Exclusive! You big jackass!

Joey, we're going to run through your scene with Carmen before we shoot it.

All right, let's take it from the top.

Thank you, Jeremiah. Because of your hard work,

I just won four more years in the U.S. Senate.

Isn't a Senate term six years?

Please, read the line as written.

Well, the U.S. Senate has been a great friend to Powder Mountain.

We'd like to be more than friends.

You know, here might be a good time for the Senator to take her jacket off.

- Oh. - Take her jacket off?

Okay, it's no big deal. No big deal.

That is just ridiculous.

And now Carmen moves in really close.

Uh, could we take a break? I-I-I forgot my line here.

The script just says "ad-lib heavy breathing."

Man, that's good writing.

Okay, can you guys hold that position while we adjust the cameras?

Great.

Wow, I am really feeling the heat. You are a great actress.

I'm not acting.

We're going to have sex today.

245...

Get me, I'm Annie Hall.

Okay, so guess what, I broke a framed picture of his mother,

I changed all the clocks to be ten minutes slow so he'll always be late

and then I made it so that his TiVo will only record wrestling.

Ooh, that's good.

Do a bunch of mean things and then one nice thing to throw him off.

God, this place is a mess. Have we gone too far?

Don't soften. I need you to be strong.

We're going to get through this together. Right?

What the hell, is...?

Oh, my God.

You know.

Yeah.

What did you do to my viola?

Alex, I am so sorry.

I feel badly about what I did. It was a terrible mistake.

And if I could take it back I would.

But...

all I can do is say that I am very, very sorry.

Well... that's something.

Well, it is something.

Could you at least stop cutting those?

No.

Look, Alex, you have to try and look at this from my perspective, you know.

I mean, you wanted the separation.

You forced me into it.

Wha... what are you saying?

Look, what I did was wrong, you know,

but you have to take some responsibility here, honey.

It's kind of your fault, too.

Gina, you can go.

- You sure? - Yeah, I got this.

Um, excuse me, I think that's my wine.

Yes, but you gave it to me as a sign of respect.

Enjoy.

You turned down Carmen Electra.

Like, how did you do it?

I did anything I could to distract myself.

You know, I thought about Sara,

I thought about baseball,

I thought about sandwiches.

This may not have been my best performance.

Okay, look, let's take any more chances.

Go get the car and get me out of here.

I won't feel safe until I get home.

- All right, you got it. - Okay.

Joey Tribbiani's girlfriend.

Oh, that's nice to hear.

Look, I just called because I wanted to hear your voice.

And also, I want you to know that I would never do anything to...

I'm going to have to call you back.

- Hi, Joey. - Wow.

What are you doing here?

I didn't have a shower in my dressing room,

and I thought you might want to see me naked.

Wow, you're like a mind reader.

I've just had a crush on you for such a long time.

Me, too.

I still use your 1998 Baywatch calendar 'cause it's so hot.

I've missed Christmas for the last four years in a row,

but it's overrated anyway.

Then let's do this.

But I just started a relationship.

Then this will just be between us.

No one has to know.

Honey, we're both going to want to tell people about this.

Look, I'm sorry.

This girl's too great for me to risk messing things up.

I hope you'll be okay.

Let's not get carried away. I'll be okay.

Well, it's nice to know you're a one-woman guy.

Well, thanks.

Didn't know I had this kind of willpower.

I mean, if I can resist you, I can resist anything.

- Carmy, there you are. - Hi...

Oh, Joey, this is my friend Elsa.

Oh, Drake Ramoray.

I'm a big fan. You are huge in Iceland.

Maybe we can share him.

Oh, come on!

Hey. What's going on?

I talked to Eric, and, uh...

it's not going to work out.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Can I get you anything, Alex?

You know, I think I could use some of that wine you took.

Uh...

You drank it all?

Well, you were gone for like 20 minutes.

Hey, hey, you know what?

I was saving it for a special occasion,

but I've got a bottle of champagne in the fridge.

What say we pop it open and we'll toast new beginnings.

Huh...

If it makes you feel any better,

I didn't sleep with Carmen Electra today.

It kind of does.

Synchro: Jeanswey Transcript: RaceMan www.forom.com

So we're still on for tonight.

Yeah. Let me go put my stuff down and we can get going.

You don't happen to have any islandic in you, do you?

Actually my grandfather was born in Iceland.

Cool!

- See you! - Okay!

I think that counts!

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