Original subtitles

Hey, honey.

I found a box of your stuff in your closet.

You must have forgotten it in your big boy move.

What do you got there?

I think... Oh.

Wow, look at all the trophies.

I had no idea you were so into sports.

Michael into sports?

-Those are all "Academic Decathlon" trophies. -Yeah.

They're actually just bowling trophies with the bowling balls cut off.

Oh, I was wondering why all the smart people stood like this.

Oh, check this out. It's a picture of my old decathlon team.

- Wow, that's your team, huh? - Yeah.

- That girl's actually kind of cute. - That's me.

I wonder what's on these.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're just gonna pop a tape in in front of your mom?

Aren't you worried that that might be something... "adult-themed"?

Like, pornography? I'm not into that garbage.

I think the fact that it's so acceptable

is a real embarrassment.

I love this guy.

I guess some of your tapes got mixed in with mine.

Mom!

Yeah, not much slowed her down.

What?! Back then no one knew that was bad for your baby!

That was 20 years ago, Mom. They totally knew!

It's okay, Michael. It's okay, Michael.

My mom partied when she was pregnant with me, and I turned out pretty, uh...

I, uh...

That's the pigeon that took my sandwich!

Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM

Al, right, the disposal should work now. Flip the switch on.

All right, turn it off.

All right, turn it on.

Turn it off.

Okay, turn it on.

All right, turn it off.

Turn it on.

Turn it off.

Thank you very much for your help.

Oh, Yeah. No problem.

Hey, where have you guys been?

I took Michael underwear shopping.

Are you still wearing those things?

What's the deal with this?

Oh, Alex is fixing the garbage disposal.

My God, that is so strange. From the neck down, I thought you were a boy.

Oh, from the neck down, I thought you were a Hooters waitress.

Nice.

Thanks. I thought of it the other day.

You are never going to believe who called me up today. Donna DiGregorio.

She's coming to L.A. It's a last-minute thing.

Donna?! Donna's coming here?

- Why are you talking that way? - What? What way is that?

You remember my friend Donna from high school.

He used to have a thing for her.

He'd get all nervous and weird when she was around.

You?

It's true, yeah.

My experience with Donna is the reason I do not

make fun of yow when you get all weird around girls.

- You make fun of me every time. - Come on! You are ridiculous!

We used to have some fun. She taught me a lot.

Hnw to dress, how to drink, how to pick up guys.

Yeah, she's basically the reason you're here.

I can't remember her. What's she like?

She's everything you could ever want in a girl.

Pretty? Yes.

Funny? Yes.

Smart? No.

This could be fun, you know?

I was always too afraid to go after her when I was young,

but now that I've come into my own...

- She's married. - Stupid monogamy!

Guess who?

Uh...

smells like hair spray, Juicy Fruit gum and tequila... Donna DiGregorio?!

Hey, Donna!

Look at you, little Joey Tribbiani.

You look good. Not that I didn't think you would look good.

I mean, not that I thought about how you would look at all. I mean...

Hold it together. You're semi-famous now.

Can you believe how she looks now? She's a spokesmodel.

"This mattress clings to the contours of my body."

See? All that mattress experience paid off, huh?

I cannot believe you are here!

Come here! Oh, my God!

- And you look so good. - I know! So do you!

I know!

You should have been at the last reunion.

Everyone looks like crap.

They've either gotten fat or had weird plastic surgery.

Dumb-asses.

Oh, Alex, hey, this is Donna. Donna, Alex.

Donna is a friend of ours from high school.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

Is this the one you were talking about?

- Yeah. - I see what you mean!

Oh, great, there's two of them now.

Hey, Joey, can I use your phone?

Sure, yeah.

You want to check in with your husband?

Oh, no. I just gave Gina the whole story. I'm getting divnrced.

- No! - Yes!

- No! - Why?

They just broke up. She's very fragile.

I know it's gonna be so easy!

I'm serious. She's in the middle of a divorce. She doesn't need you complicate things.

No, Joey.

Donna was one of the few people who stuck by me when I got pregnant.

Now that she's going through a rough time, I would like to help her out.

Her life's messy enough without you.

What, you think I'm just going to sleep with her and then lose interest?

No I think you're going to marry her like all the others.

-Come on! -Joey, this is important to me.

There are plenty of other women out there. Just stay away from this one.

Okay, fine.

- Promise? - I promise.

- You swear on Grandma's life? - Yes.

- The living one. - Damn it!

Okay.

I forgot to tell work I was leaving town.

I'm supposed to be in a bikini jumping up ant down on a trampoline right now.

- What are you selling? - Blenders.

I've got to go get Michael.

You want to come and then we can do some sightseeing?

I think I'd kinda like to hang around here for a while if that's okay.

Okay.

You get some sun. And you don't get anything.

You know, I've been following your career.

I guess some people are surprised you're a big success.

Me? I'm shocked.

Me, too.

You just always seemed so shaky and nervous around people.

Uh, yeah, I think that might have been more of a Donna-specific behavior.

Why?

- Well... - Oh...

Is that why you used to break dance for me?

Shocking that didn't work, huh? Yeah...

So little Joey Tribbiani liked me. I can't believe I didn't pick up on that.

Oh, I can believe it.

You had a lot of guys fighting for your attention.

You were... something else.

Hey! Miss mattress, you're coming with me.

This is fun sorting through these tapes.

Only one more tape to go.

If this is another spelling bee, I'm going to put a fork in my eye.

This is weird. Why is there a tape of kids playing baseball?

Maybe you're out there.

I doubt it. I was awful at sports.

But I also don't like the idea of my mom just videotaping other children.

That's me.

This is weird, you know...

I do kind of remember playing Little League for a while.

God, this is gonna be embarrassing. I don't wanna see this.

No, no, no, no! If you let me watch this,

afterwards I'll show you a tape of me doing stand-up.

This guy heckles me, and I totally lose it!

Deal.

Okay, guys, back it up! We've got Michael at the plate!

What, even the coach is making fun of me?

Another home run for Michael!

Wait a minute.

Was I good at baseball?

It sure looks like it.

Why didn't I know that? Why did my mother keep this from me?

Why is that little boy peeing on third base?

- Hey. - Hey.

- Mom, was I good at baseball? - What are you talking about?

Why did you keep this from him? And what did that kid drink?

Okay. You were a good ballplayer, but I pulled you out of it.

Why?

'Cause I didn't want you to get hurt.

I was just trying to protect you.

Joey, tell him I was right.

I don't know, Gina.

I mean, I got hurt all the time when I was a kid.

And, yeah, I've got some scars, but each one taught me an important lesson:

Don't touch the stove.

Don't run with scissors in your mouth.

Don't lick the peanut butter off steak knife.

You know, I don't have any scars.

Or body hair. You think that's related to this?

Look, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.

I'm sorry you don't have any scars.

I guess I was a terrible mother.

No, I'm just saying I missed out on something important.

Well, thank God you moved out.

Now you can play baseball and crack your head open all you want.

Cracking your head open... always stay seated in the roller-coaster.

Hi, you must be Michael. I'm your mom's friend, Donna.

Oh.

Hi.

I didn't know you looked... looked...

I mean, I had no idea... that, that, that...

Right there with ya, buddy.

N-nice to meet you.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I don't know. I guess I just wanted to come spend some time with you.

- Why? - Why?!

Do you need me to break-dance for you?

Oh.

See, I was out with Gina and I loved being with her,

but we were sitting there talking and for some reason,

I couldn't stop thinking about her little brother

and how nice he'd grown up.

You're touching me. Don't touch me. You can't touch me!

You can't! You can't! You can't!

Wow, that's the first time that's ever happened.

No, no, no, Donna.

I would love to spend more time with you,

but I promised Gina I wouldn't do anything with you.

Why?

She thinks you're in a weird place.

I'm not in a weird place. I'm in your apartment.

Oh, God, you are the perfect amount of dumb!

No, she thinks you're in a weird place in your life with the divorce.

She's afraid you're a little fragile.

Well, it's too bad.

It could have been fun.

We're both very sexy.

It's funny.

You like me and I don't even notice you.

And I want you, and you can't do anything about it.

I guess it's not meant to be. I'll see ya.

Oh, my God, I have wanted to do that for so long.

Me, too!

Really?

Actually, it's only been since this morning, but it's been tough.

God, I can't believe I fell asleep.

You should have woken me up. I've gotta get back to Gina's.

No, last night can't end with you running out the door.

Let me make you a proper breakfast.

Joey, I don't have time for that.

- Come on, how many eggs do you want? - Six.

She's perfect.

So, last night was really fun.

It was, yeah. And not just the part that's supposed to be fun--

the talking, the sharing.

And I finally get what this cuddling fuss is all about.

I still can't believe this has happened. You...

you are, like, my dream girl.

- Michael? Joey? Open up. - Oh, my God. Gina.

Okay, new plan:

last night ends with you sneaking out the back and rolling down the hill.

- We'll talk later. - Yeah, you got to get out of here.

- What is taking so long? - Uh... I'm, uh... naked.

I'm just covering myself up.

Sorry.

I don't get people like you.

Why do you gotta walk around naked in your house?

Why do you gotta walk around naked in public?

Because I like to make the world smile.

I'm really worried. Donna didn't come home last night.

I'm sure she's fine.

What makes you say that?

What makes people say anything, really? I mean...

- Was she here? - Gina, I made a promise.

Only six eggs. This omelet isn't for you. What's going on?

It's for Michael.

- He only takes two eggs. - That skinny little bastard.

All right, look... I know I broke a promise, but I have a good excuse.

- Oh, yeah? What? - She is so hot.

- God, you are so unbelievable. - Gina, come on, she's a big girl.

She can make her own decisions.

She can't right now. That's why I didn't want you to mess with her.

I'm not messing with her. I really care about her.

Oh, like you cared about ten of my friends in one month's time?

Ah, yes, October of '89.

- I can't believe you did this. - Wait, wait a minute.

Look, this is different from all those other girls, okay?

I mean, maybe it's because there's a history with Donna,

but yesterday, when I was with her, it was the first time since I've been in L.A.

that I actually... that I actually felt like I was home.

Oh, damn it, that's nice.

Look, Gina, I don't want to upset you, okay?

But I'm really into Donna. And I want to see her again tonight.

- You treat her right. - I promise.

And not the kind of promise I made before. A real one.

So, you and Donna DiGregorio, huh?

I guess the only friend of mine you haven't been with is Jenny Wagner.

- October of '89? - It was a good month.

Think I'll still be good at this?

It's like having sex on a bicycle. It'll just come back to you.

- How's my swing look? - Like you're good at science.

Okay, try it again. Nice and hard this time.

All right.

Okay, I'm only saying this to be supportive and helpful: Are you kidding?

Just put some quarters in the machine, will you, please?

Oh, shoot, I'm short one. Give me another quarter.

Go in the glove compartment.

What the hell?! I thought you said you needed another quarter.

- For a gum ball. - For a g... aah!

Oh, man.

This is one good gum ball.

Still flavorful, you know.

I mean, when it came out yellow, I was all, like, "What?"

- Hey. - Hey.

What happened to you?

I was attacked by a gang of baseballs.

Oh, so you played?

Well, I tried. Any talent I had before is now gone.

Long gone.

Look, honey, I'm sorry.

But you were good at a lot of things. I had to make a choice.

You could either be the jock or the smart kid.

And I figured being the smart kid would lead you more places.

She's right.

We actually went to school with a lot of jocks, you know.

And those guys are nowhere now.

Except for the three guys in the NBA.

I just don't see why you had to choose.

Maybe you're right.

But you got to understand, when I made that decision, I was just a kid.

I mean, when you were five, I was 20. That's how old you are now.

Well, I mean, if I look at it that way, then I can forgive you for anything.

Good, 'cause I also might have bathed with you longer than was appropriate.

See? You got scars.

On the inside.

it took me three months to grow that, but help yourself.

Oh, sorry. I got a big date tonight.

Really? Who with?

- You remember Donna? - Yeah.

Did I see her rolling down the hill this morning?

Oh, look at you. You look so happy.

- Are you in love? - No.

- Are you on the way to being in love? - No.

Are you on the way to "on the way to being in love"?

I think I might be.

Well, you have to understand I had the biggest crushon this girl, you know,

so I really built her up.

And you'd think getting to be with her would be disappointing,

but I got to say, the real girl is even better than the fantasy.

But, so, how is this gonna work? Doesn't she live in New York?

Yeah, yeah, she said she was toying with the idea of moving out here,

but I don't think it's gonna happen.

Well, you should tell her you want her to stay.

Yeah, you think?

Yeah, when I first met my husband,

we had this great couple of weeks together.

And then I was supposed to leave for a job in Chicago

and he said, "Please don't go. I don't ever want to be apart."

- Oh, that's so sweet. - Yeah.

Then he took out his viola and he played Billy Joel's "She's Always a Woman,"

and I had to smile through it like this.

So you think if I ask her, she might stay?

Well, she'd be crazy if she didn't want to.

Because you are one of the last remaining good ones.

- Really? - Yeah. Really.

There.

Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot, Alex.

Say, Alex, you know, if Donna does move out,

maybe you and Gina and her could hang out and be friends.

- Maybe. - Don't Billy Joel smile me.

Here's what I was thinking for tonight.

Thought maybe we could

have dinner at this great little place in Marina Del Rey.

Then after that,

we're going to go to a dessert-only place I heard about in Newport.

And then after that,

I thought maybe we could go for a walk on the beach in Malibu.

That's like five hours of driving.

Really?

Why can't they make maps the size things really are?

All right, uh...

Well, I'm going to go change some of our reservations...

I can't believe you are going out with my brother.

I don't want to get ahead of myself,

but if you guys get married,

you should do it at the Polish Community Center on Queens Boulevard.

It's very classy.

I gotta talk to you about something.

- What? You all right? - No.

Gina, I feel really weird talking to you about this,

but I'm confused, and I don't know what to do.

What's the matter?

Ron just called. He wants to get back together.

And what'd you say?

I said I met someone else and I had to think about it.

You're gonna tell Joey, right?

You have to tell him.

Okay, I couldn't change the reservations. So we gotta haul ass.

Are you ready, beautiful?

Aw, Joey...

Those two would have some stupid kids.

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