Original subtitles

[Shrieks] Shh! Shh!

My parents don't know you're with me in my tent in the backyard.

- We have to be very, very quiet. - Wait. I thought this was an army tent.

Oh, right. I forgot. Sergeant Greg.

I know our love is wrong...

but I can't help myself.

Kiss me on the double.

Where exactly would that be, Captain?

- [ Laughing Hysterically] - [Knocking]

I'll get it. I'll get it. [ Yells ]

- Dharma- - [ Yelling ]

- Superman! - Wait-

- [ Sighs ] - Hey.

Brian. Hi.

Am I early?

- For what? - Um, we had a date.

[ Indistinct ]

- Right. I forgot to call you. - [ Forced Chuckle ]

I got married.

- M-Married? - That's my husband, Greg.

- Hi. - Don't get up.

Wasn't plannin' on it.

Look, I'm-I'm sorry, man.

I wouldn't have asked her out if l knew she was engaged.

Oh, no, we weren't engaged. I just met Greg-

- What was it, honey, last Friday? - Yeah, last Friday.

I met you Thursday.

Snooze, you lose.

Are you sure?

"Dog-eat-dog world"?

Absolutely. That's the expression.

Come on. It's not a "doggy dog" world?

- No, it's not. - Ready?

- Clear. - I mean, it doesn't make any sense.

Have you ever even seen a dog eat another dog?

- Ready? - Clear.

No, but it's still a dog-eat-dog world.

It means the world's a tough place. It's every man for himself.

- It's kill or be killed. - What do killer bees have to do with it?

- [ Flushing ] - Aah!

[ Screams ]

Ready?

- Dharma, this isn't gonna work. - Sure it is.

You'll toughen up.

No, I mean, the whole bath thing.

I need a shower so I can stand up and wash my self in the right order.

You have an order for washing your body?

Yeah. I mean, it's basically top to bottom.

Then you double back for the- Not important.

Aw, that's the same order you use for everything, isn't it?

- Hey, Dharm? - Hi, Jane.

-Jane! - Sorry. Hi, Greg.

I thought it over. I decided I'll be your maid of honor.

- Rock and roll. - Right?

- Hello! - I said hello. So what do I gotta do?

You gotta wear a really heinous dress.

Cool. I got a butt-ugly green one.

Too late. Greg's mom already got you a butt-ugly purple one.

All right! That's it! I give up! Everybody gets to see Greg naked!

I gotta warn ya, I grew up around horses.

- I think he wants us to leave. - He said everybody gets to-

I know, but he also says dog-eat-dog world.

- Dog eats dog? - No, it's doggy dog.

Hey, what are you doin' today?

Gonna hang out at Fisherman's Wharf, give tourists bad directions.

- Why? - Well, Greg's playing golf with his dad and my dad.

- That sounds like a bad idea. - I know.

But I wanna surprise him and put in a shower while he's gone.

- You wanna help? - I don't know.

It means a trip to the hardware store.

Well-

- We can use our phony English accents. - London or Liverpool?

[ British Accent ] I say, governor, have you any brass hinges?

It's for me house.

[ British Accent ] All righty, then. But this time...

I'm the humpback and I'm hard of hearing!

What?

I said, I'm hard of hearing!

Hello, husband!

Hello, deaf cockney hunchbacks.

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Dad, he's my father-in-law.

We've got this big wedding reception coming up.

We're all gonna have to learn to be civil to each other.

Of course I'll be civil to the man, old hippie buffoon.

Okay, great. Now, when he gets here...

think "old hippie buffoon," but say "Larry."

- Hi, Greg. - Hi, Pete.

Hey, Mr. M. So I hear we're playing with Jerry Garcia today, huh?

Who's Jerry Garcia?

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Pete, Pete, Pete, you're gonna have to help me with these guys.

If you recall, I tried to help you. I said, "Do not do this."

Man, this is a truly righteous country club you got here.

Thank you, Larry.

Of course, if you Republicans have your way on immigration...

you'll be parking your own cars.

Mr. Finkelstein, I'd like you to meet my friend from work, Pete.

Another lawyer. Better put my wallet in my front pocket.

That's very amusing, Larry.

- I wonder if I have time to take a shower before we tee off. - No, no, no, no.

You do not have time to take a shower. Why didn't you do it at home?

Dharma's place doesn't have a shower. I had to take a bath.

What's wrong with a bath?

Well, for one thing, he can't wash him self in the proper order.

Gee, I always preferred a bath.

It's very soothing. You put in a little sea salt, some oil-

Add a carrot and a chicken neck, and you've got soup...

Larry.

It's goin' well. They're exchanging recipes.

Son, why don't you and Dharma get an apartment with a shower?

I can't ask Dharma to move. She loves the place.

- She practically built it herself. - Yeah, you're right.

You don't wanna get in any big emotional discussions.

Why don't you just make up some, I don't know...

medical reason you won't live there.

You want him to lie to my daughter?

It's not a lie if it's for the greater good.

Where have we heard that before?

What are you talking about?

A little place called Vietnam, my friend.

Hey, who would have seen that comin', huh?

What do you know about Vietnam? You weren't even there.

I know it wasn't about communism.

It was about Mr. Corporate America...

finding a place to sell their "sody" pop and "tobaccy."

And next, we put clubs in their hands.

Thanks... Pete.

All right, boys, Mommy's going to the hardware store.

So remember the rules. Play nice with each other.

Stinky, don't open the door for anyone. And, Nunzio, stay out of the liquor cabinet.

- You remember what happened last time. - [ Phone Ringing ]

[ Groans ] Hello?

Dharma, dear, it's Kitty Montgomery, Gregory's mother.

It's Kitty Montgomery, Gregory's mother.

Oh, that Kitty Montgomery.

Dharma, for some reason, the dressmaker insists she needs to see the wedding gown on you.

- Could you be a dove and hop by? - You know what? I'd love to.

But my maid of honor and I are just out the door trying to get stuff for a shower.

- You're having a shower? - Yeah.

- When? - Well, we're hoping today.

Today? Well, you just can't do it like that.

I mean, how are people supposed to know about it?

I just figured they'd open the door and, bam, there'd it be.

Oh, you... unusual girl.

- Is your mother going to help you? - Yeah.

She read up on it in one of those Time-Life books.

Oh, my God.

Well, I'll- I'll be over right after lunch and I'll show you what to do.

Great! Thanks so much. We'll see you then. Bye!

[ British Accent ] Kitty Montgomery, Gregory's mother, is coming over?

- Yes, she'll help us with the shower. - Why?

She's probably one of those rich ladies who's into plumbing.

- What? - I said she's probably one of those rich ladies...

- who's into plumbing! - Oh!

They started it by attacking a peaceful vessel in the Gulf of Tonkin.

Oh, please. The Gulf of Tonkin incident...

was invented to win over congress.

We were responding to attacks on our servicemen-

Pete, I'm, uh, thinkin' of killing my self with a golf club.

Any suggestions?

Your first instinct would be to go with a three wood, maybe even a driver.

- But that might bounce right off the skull. - Really?

Yeah. Instead, consider a short iron. Maybe a pitching wedge.

- That'll split the skull, lodge right in the brain. - Wedge it is.

I'll have you know, I was in Canada-

You were in Canada because you didn't have guts enough to put on a uniform and fight.

Areyou calling me a coward?

I'm just saying that all of your pacifism is just a bunch of hokum.

How can you call me a coward when you don't even have the courage...

to just come out and call me a coward?

Okay. Everyone's a coward. Let's go find our balls.

- Yeah! - It's out of the box!

- Girls rule! - [Kitty] All right.

I brought invitation samples from my printer.

Please pick something simple. My caterer has prepared a choice of hors d'oeuvres...

and, needless to say, the right hors d'oeuvres make the bridal shower.

Oh, my God! It's a "shower" shower!

Ain't she a peach?

[ Whooping ]

All I'm saying is if the cause had been just...

I could have gone into Vietnam and done exactly what you did.

Areyou saying you could have been a Green Beret?

- Absolutely. - That's it!

I've been listening to this long enough.

I cannot believe that my father and my father-in-law don't have the decency...

to at least pretend to get along for one lousy afternoon!

[ Mouthing Words ]

You couldn't be a Green Beret at a Halloween party!

- Come on, Pete. - Aren't you even gonna hit?

- Ooh! You got all of that one. - Get in the cart.

All right. You're in the Mekong Delta. V.C. everywhere.

Your only chance of survival is diving into a rice paddy...

and holding your breath for four minutes.

Four minutes?

[ Inhaling Deeply]

Piece of cake.

Oh, don't worry, Kitty.

A lot of words have two meanings.

Like ifwe had said, "Kitty, get over here, and fast"...

do we mean "and hurry," or do we mean...

"Kitty, get over here and don't eat for a long time"?

And I love these little cucumber sandwiches.

Really? I vote for the cheese things.

There is no vote because there is no shower.

Um, Kitty, would you like maybe something to drink?

Or- I just juiced some cabbage.

No, thank you. Actually, I, uh- I have to go.

I-I have, uh, to go.

Dharma, I'm sure I'm going to regret asking this, but why are you installing a shower?

- Don't got one. - Yeah.

But she does have the bathtub from her old place in Half Moon Bay.

I gave birth to her in that tub.

- And that's where Gregory bathes. - [Jane ] Yep.

Seen it with my own eyes.

Why do you people live like this?

'Cause you can't camp on the beach anymore.

Besides, Kitty, I love it here.

I mean, I did all of this work myself.

Did you know this used to be a battery factory?

Ah! And to your credit, you've nearly disguised that fact.

Thanks. I just wish once I get this shower installed that Greg will feel more at home.

So you're doing this for Gregory?

Yeah. I want him to feel totally comfortable.

Dharma, if you will indulge me in a brief outing...

I believe I can show you how to make Gregory comfortable.

Anybody in for an outing?

- Sure. - Oh, bad.

Don't eat the beige ones.

[ Yelling ]

- What the hell did you do that for? - No reason.

It's called psychological warfare, my friend.

And now, this soldier is in your head. I own you.

You're out of your mind!

Maybe. Maybe not. Spooky, huh?

That's not soldiering. We're talking about actual combat.

I'm talking about creeping up on the enemy and taking 'em out.

Okay.

- You see that foursome over there? - Yeah.

You see the fat guy with the bad rug?

That's Dick Lawrence. He's a cardiologist. Hey, Dick.

Right now, he's Charlie...

and that beaver pelt on his head is goin' home in a bag.

No, you lunatic! He's on the membership committee.

What's the matter? Afraid I'm gonna beat you at your own game?

My game does not include attacking a man...

who may be blowing up balloons in my heart one day!

That kind of namby-pamby attitude...

is exactly why you guys lost over there.

All right! That's it! We'll settle this thing once and for all!

Get in the cart, Ms. Fonda!

[Dharma Groans ] I don't know, Kitty.

Do you really see me living in a ritzy-titzy place like this?

No. But let's use our imagination.

You come home from work. You're exhausted.

You're in dire need of pampering, and you open your door to this!

"Wow" is what you would say if you liked this kind of thing.

- Well, I mean, you're right, Dharma. This isn't you. - No.

However, the Jacuzzi tub beckons.

[ British Accent ] Jacuzzi?

Just the thing to soothe me tired hump.

Or if the Jacuzzi is occupied...

then you can step intoyour fully appointed gourmet kitchen.

With scope in your ridiculously large subzero refrigerator...

remove a perfectly chilled bottle of vintage-

- Papaya juice? - All right.

Well, there are some lovely things here certainly...

but, gosh, Dharma, don't you think it's a little cold?

No, no, no, no, no. She will not be cold...

not when she is nestled...

in front of her Italian marble fireplace...

sipping cocoa and gazing at the harvest moon.

[ Chuckles ] Skylight.

You know, Dharma, living this far above Mother Earth...

can permanently misalign your chakras.

That's true.

When your chakras are messed up, your chi just goes- [ Squeals ]

Well, I certainly can't argue with that.

But there are certain advantages to this elevation.

Dharma home.

Man, I miss having a shower.

Hey, sorry for peeking in on ya. I got a little worried...

after you were in there for half an hour.

- That's all right. - You got a nice ass.

- Thanks for noticing. - Here's a wacky idea.

Why don't we stop by the hardware store on our way home...

pick up a shower, and install it in your apartment?

You know how to do that?

I worked my way through law school as a plumber's assistant.

That's why I know a lot about plumbing and very little about law.

You know, you could have mentioned this earlier.

Sue me. You'll probably win.

Should we just go, or should we wait around for Samson and Delirious?

Let's just go. They're two middle-aged men.

What's the worst thing they could be doing?

Wanna back out?

You think I'm scared? Hell, you're talkin' to a man...

who watched Fantasia three times without a buddy.

- What? - You're not the only one who has flashbacks, pal.

Okay. Bring it in, tilt it down.

- We got stairs. We got stairs. Careful on the stair- - What?

- All right, we're through. - Yes.

All right. Put it down and plant it.

What is that?

I can't be certain, but, uh...

it's either a shower or a writ of habeas corpus.

[Screams ]

I can't believe I'm gonna live here!

Aah! I'm gonna have to get so much more stuffto fill this place up.

Oh, and that, my dear child, is why God created shopping. N'estpas?

- [Jacuzzi Jets Bubbling] - [Jane Squeals ]

Ridin' the jet stream!

Excuse me. I'm going to get your friend out of the Jacuzzi while it still respects her.

This place is huge!

Ha!

- Hi. - Hi.

- Ooh. Upset. - No, Dharma.

I just wanna make sure you're not falling under the influence of someone who-

How do I put this non judgmentally- may be evil.

You know what, Abby?

- What? - I'm not doing this because of Kitty.

I really, really, really want to live here...

and I know Greg would.

Oh!

- Okay, okay. - Come on!

- Then I hope that you're both very happy. - Thank you.

- Hey, you know what? - What?

Come here. You can help me decorate.

[ Scoffs ] Well, I suppose some tapestries would warm the place up.

Definitely.

And every place that she tells you to put an ottoman, put a beanbag chair.

You got it.

Hey, do you think I can barbecue in that?

Guys, I got about two minutes of fuel left.

If you're gonna jump, it's now or never.

You know, even if we both jump...

what's it really gonna prove?

Excellent point. Why don't we go back to the clubhouse...

and see who can drink more?

You're on. But I gotta warn ya...

I had my blood replaced in '74, and I'm not afraid to do it again.

Greg?

- In here. - I have killer news!

I saw the most ama-

I know. Can you believe we had exactly the same idea?

Huh? Huh?

I did the calking and the knobs, and ran the pipes-

- Well, Pete helped a little. - Wow!

That must have been a lot of work.

No, it was great.

Now I understand why you love this place so much.

I mean, I've always lived in those sterile, modern apartments...

where everything's just there and perfect.

Yeah, those perfect places.

This place- you have to get in there...

and put your sweat and your blood in it, and-

- Did you cut yourself? - Yes! Several times!

But it's okay because I live in a place...

where I walk up steps you built, and you shower in a shower I built.

Oh, by the way, "hot" means cold and "cold" means hot.

Anyway, Dharma, thank you.

Thank you for sharing this with me.

This is the first place I've ever lived that feels like home.

I love it when you just come out and say all that goopy stuff.

So what's your good news?

Um, a guy at Al's Hardware thought Jane and I were really English.

That is good news.

[ British Accent ] Hey, husband, what say we go down...

to the hardware store and get us a Jacuzzi?

[ British Accent ] Happy to.