Original subtitles

Oh, hey, hi.

Are you watching me sleep?

No, I was watching you try to breathe.

I think you have a badly deviated septum.

But it's a damn cute deviated septum. Oh, thank you.

I got you something.

Oh, really?

What is it?

Open it.

Oh.

It's a little yellow hat.

Try it on.

Oh, I'd love to try it on.

Ugh.

I love this.

Really? Yes.

Perfect.

I mean, do you think it fits?

Definitely. Does it feel loose? I don't know what it is.

Well, you could always put a bobby pin in to keep it in place like they do at

the, um... Comica. Yeah.

Wait.

Why do you know that word?

I'm Jewish.

Okay.

No, I'm 100% Jewish.

Well, you are funny.

Oh, well.

Four and three and two and one.

Okay, I am 100% Ashkenazi Jew. Yeah, no shit. Ever seen a mirror? Wow.

Okay, we have history of anxiety.

Check. Poor eyesight.

Check. IBS.

Yeah, well.

Tay-Sachs disease, cystic fibrosis, gradual S-syndrome. Holy shit.

Let me tell you something, honey. I could have told you all of that without

your selling your medical history to the government.

What do you mean?

Google owns your DNA, you naive little bitch.

Well, I'm going to write all about this for my grad school personal essay.

Endophenotypes, the genetic inheritance of mental disorders.

Yikes.

Okay, what else does this have to teach me?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

What? Well, I just found out that I have the richest history of millennials you

can have.

I'm related to a Holocaust survivor.

Dude, this is incredible. There's so few left. There's, like, none. I know, and

I'm 16 cousins with one who lives in Manhattan.

Whoa. We have to go right the fuck now. Okay.

Dope, because I know that I can learn so much about my history or whatever, but

also about our shared mental illness.

Swing. Maybe I should get my DNA tested. I could be related to a Holocaust

survivor, too.

Who, a guard?

Come on, Alana. I don't mean a full-on Nazi. I mean, like, a Polish soldier who

looked the other way.

I am Jewish.

Emphasis on the ish. Come on. Let's go.

So what are we doing, the Q or the F?

Ha, what the hat?

Oh, this? Leslie got it for me. She saw it and thought of me. It's cute, right?

I'm just giving it a go.

Let's see.

Brave.

Yeah, so she was just, like, out and saw it in a store and thought of me.

And... We think she likes you, right?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think she really likes me.

I really like her, too.

So you're a hat girl now.

I mean, maybe.

Is that a problem?

I'm just... I'm surprised.

You know, you've never expressed any interest in hats. I watch your eyes when

we walk, when we talk.

You've never even looked at a hat.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I never really considered them.

Right. But Leslie bought it for me, so I'm going to give it a try.

One last thing. Do you think you're going to be a hat person for the rest of

your life?

I don't know.

Are we talking about hats?

Yeah, we're talking about hats.

Hi. Hi.

We are here to visit my very dear, sweet, and close 16th cousin, Sal

Barwitz. Oh, fantastic.

He'll be so happy to have visitors.

Can I have your licenses?

And you'll get your licenses back when you leave. Great.

You can take him to the commissary or any of the communal areas on the third

floor. Thank you. He's in room 11B.

Thank you. Thanks so much. Do not leave the third floor.

Maybe he's hard of hearing.

Looks

like

I'm the magician, even though you're the one wearing that hat.

Okay, I think the door is unlocked.

Saul?

Saul Barwitz, I'm your 16th cousin, Alana Wexler.

Oh, my God.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

Oh, God, I knew I shouldn't have stopped at Sephora before I came here.

I'm going to cover his face up. This is so weird.

Gotcha. Oh, my God.

Works every time.

You know, you must be one of those jeans and me kids. I can see the resemblance.

Look, that's me as a horny teenager.

See the hair?

I guess.

Have a seat.

Wow. Great fun, huh?

Yes. Wild.

Wild. Very, very.

So, like I said, I'm Alana, and this is my... Oh, God. She's my everything. But,

you know, I'll just boil it down to soulmate.

Let's leave it at soulmate.

I'm Abby.

Nice to meet you both.

So, I am applying to graduate school, and I'm writing my personal essay about

inherited trauma.

For example...

I experience anxiety diarrhea three to eight times daily.

Now, do you think that somatic expression tracks back to your horrific

experience somehow for sure?

No.

I'm going to write a possible connection.

Okay, so tell me everything. I want to hear about mental illness history,

stories from the old country, Nazi shit, anything.

Tell you what.

I'll tell you everything.

The whole family, relatives, everything.

If you'll take me out of here for a little while.

I've been cooped up here so long. And you know what? The food here is

horseshit. Well, the woman downstairs said we could take you wherever you want

on this floor.

Come on. It's a little strict down there. I'm sorry, Saul. We can't. I

mean, we're just following orders.

Oh, I've heard that one before.

Woo!

Okay, okay. We're getting out of here right now. Wow!

Oh, this guy had an accident. Chimps everywhere.

We've got to get rid of his rub.

We're doing it.

Get him out!

I can't do this.

Wait, wait, wait. Get ready. Are you okay?

Great work, girls.

Smell that New York air. It's like garbage. I love it.

Oh, come on.

So let's get you some real food and get into some real family history. For

example, I want to know, were your parents mentally ill like mine?

Listen, before we get to that, could you guys take me to a shoemaker?

Of course, Saul.

We'll do you one better.

Oh, that was so nice.

Good.

Okay, Saul, now that I've got you in pleasure, interview question number one.

What does... post-traumatic stress disorder mean to you? Look, they have

high tops.

I'll be right back.

He is too cute.

Can you hear him?

What? I'm just sending a selfie to Leslie. Cute.

I just, um, I forgot about, uh, you know, uh...

Girls! I found it! A dope-ass pair!

I love these shoes. They look amazing on you. You hungry?

Where do you want to eat? What about Red Hook?

Red Hook is kind of hard to get to, right? Well, we can always take it. Shut

up!

What, dude?

Alan motherfucking coming! Oh, my God.

Who is that?

Alan coming!

Alan Cumming, the magical, pansexual New York City party boy, nymph in the

beautiful flesh!

I have chills.

Okay, should we follow him?

I mean, I think we have to.

What? I'm sorry. Okay, it is not about you right now, honey. Saul, we're

talking about Alan Cumming. From Romy and Michelle, from the anniversary

party, from the Goodways, from Vice World fame, Saul. I mean, Alan Cumming

created his own perfume line called Cumming.

Is that LOL genie or what? I'm wearing it right now.

Saul, I swear to Adonoy.

Whatever Alan Cumming has in store for today, you will be titillated by it. He

represents the real New York, okay? The pre-9-11, pre-sex in the city Basquiat

keeps herring New York.

The only herring I'm interested in is pickled herring. And as soon as we can

get to that, I am fine.

Okay. You got yourself a deal. We'll do it. Make it happen. All right. Come on,

Saul. We got to catch up with him.

All right. All right. We're going to catch up. Giddy up, Saul. We got it,

Saul. Shit. Here we go. We're losing him. Okay.

All right. Here we go.

We must.

We must.

Okay. Come on, brother. Here we go.

You're a guest. You're a guest.

Jiggly Caliente is the best.

Tuck your dick between your legs and take those unfeasibly large breaths. A

generous pour contours and curves all the drinks that you deserve.

We are dressed in all couture. Just ask our comte a chavalier and do your

beltless in your pants.

Tip your waitress, she's freelance.

Our mimosa pores will always pass the test.

Come on and bring your nephew.

Apply your blood and then you'll pass the test.

Touch my chest.

You're our guest.

Can I take your order, baby? Yes. Can I get a coffee with a side of you?

Looks like I got a fresh one, huh? Mm-hmm.

I love this place. Thank you. And I love money. So make sure y'all tip, okay?

Yes. I'll be back, y'all. I love it.

Whew.

That was good.

Oh, my God. Alan, he's at the bar.

We have to go pay our respects.

Let's vape and loosen up a little bit.

Oh, Saul, this is a marijuana pen. Sorry.

You probably don't want that.

Why shouldn't I get high?

Go for it.

You can't get off unless you're caught.

That's for damn sure.

Have a good time.

Who? Come on, girls.

Oh, my gosh. Abby, his friend just left. I'm leaving him all alone at the bar.

Oh, my God. It's now or never, dude. Come on.

Hello.

Hi.

Mr. Cumming, we just want to say how big a fan we are.

Thank you so much for bringing us here today.

For bringing you? We followed you for like 13 blocks.

Cool.

It's really cool. Are you a couple?

We're just best friends forever.

Oh, the hat.

No, we actually just brought along a 16th cousin.

He's a Holocaust survivor.

Oh, really? That's incredible.

We really need to cherish our elders and hear their story.

You want to meet him?

Sure. Yeah, he's here. You've got to meet my 16th cousin, Alan Cumming. He's

great. He's right over there.

Where is he?

Have you looked? No! No!

No!

No!

No! No! No!

Oh, my God.

He's gone for fucking ever.

Okay, okay. Dude, we'll just see where the bus stops next.

I can't read a fucking bus map. No, me neither. Okay, we cannot be losing

Holocaust survivors. Not now that the world is gaining Nazis somehow.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Where would a Holocaust survivor go? Um, okay, okay, thing, thing, thing.

Um, pickle tearing, um... Sabers! Yes!

Shit, my hat, dude! Leave the hat! No!

It's not that simple!

To the mayo-based salad.

Excuse me, excuse me. Have you seen an elderly gentleman, like, yay high?

He's also very high as in stoned. Oh, he's also wearing brightly colored

LeBron high tops.

I don't think so. Sorry.

Okay, maybe we check down. Wait, Alana. Okay, I'm never up here, and the babka

is insane. We've got to get some while we're here. I will get some white

pistachios. Hey, can I get a pound of white pistachio, please? And we'll take

that to go. We're kind of in a hurry. Thank you. Okay, dude, where else would

a Holocaust survivor go?

Wow, we really got lost in there.

Well, you can't rush through.

No, no.

The resilience of the Jewish people is just astounding.

Yeah. We've got to keep educating ourselves, you know?

Truly never forget.

Shit! Saul!

Oh, my God! Idiot!

Saul?

Saul?

Okay, where else might an old Jew go?

A sale!

Genius. Jew magnets!

Yes!

Just can't pass up a sale like that. No, I mean, you find the best stuff when

you're not looking. I mean, we weren't trying to shop. We had to. We had to.

You don't find great clothes. Great clothes find you. Exactly. Damn it!

Saul! Oh my god, what is wrong with us? I don't know. I think we smoke too much

weed. We gotta go back to the assisted living facility. It's getting late. It's

getting dark.

Yeah, you're right. Also, we need our licenses.

Oh, good point.

Hi.

Zora.

There's no delegate.

way to put this but um we lost him and we can't find him and we look

all over all the fuck over and we can't find him and we're really really really

sorry no disrespect he's at ikea what how do you

know that when he breaks out he always goes to ikea that's what he does okay

Didn't I tell you not to leave the third floor with him? You didn't mention that.

I didn't really hear it. I feel like that was more directed to my friend, to

be honest.

Okay.

Um, so you guys got it from here, or?

And, and, and, and we could just take, we'll just take our licenses back real

quick, and then we'll just be like, great, I mean, yeah.

No.

Go get him.

Great. Um, do you think that we can leave our bags? Now.

We'll take them. Yeah.

See you later.

Saul?

Saul! Oh, my God, Abby, he's here. Oh, my gosh, Saul, we've been looking

everywhere for you. Thank God.

Wow. You know, you come in for one thing, and... Like your cousin, the

Holocaust survivor.

Before you take me back, how about some Swedish meatballs?

I mean, you know I'm in.

You can leave that in the cart.

These are so good.

Told ya.

So, what's up with the IKEA fetish, though?

Well, when I...

Escape from the camp.

I wound up in Sweden.

And those people, the Swedish people, they were so good to me.

And their furniture was so elegant.

So this is like retail therapy.

Makes sense.

Well, we had a great day with you. Thanks for sharing it with us. We

learned so much from you, Saul.

And also the Holocaust Memorial Museum of New York we just stopped by.

You know my motto.

Never forget.

Also, don't remind me. Yeah.

And you look a great deal like my father.

Are you serious?

Yeah. Really? It's all about in the eyes. The mustache.

Oh, my God.

Okay. I'm going to talk to you for one quick sec. Okay. So, I...

I feel like I gave this guy a good go of it today.

And I just don't think that it's really me.

Okay.

I mean, I really appreciate the gesture. It was so nice that you would think of

me. It's totally fine.

Abby, listen.

I thought it would look cute on you, but you're much cuter without it.

Sweet relief.

Oh, my God. I feel so much better.

It's not about the hideous hat. It's about the head that wears it. I couldn't

help but wonder. I used to think being Jewish meant IBS, TASAC, inherited

trauma, and childhood contact lenses.

But now I know being Jewish is about being resilient.

Having the strength to survive the Holocaust and perpetual exile, as well

as being able to carry a stag table to the parking lot of an Ikea at 91 years

old.

And I hope you have the strength to accept this little Jew into your

psychology graduate program.

Shalom.

Cute as hell.

Are you performers?

No, why?

The hat.

Oh, this? No, this is a dial choice.

Usually I'm pro-choice, but I would have bought this if I could.

Hat. I'd burn it.