Original subtitles

This bookshop rules.

I get it. Paper, not screen.

Yeah. Oof. I can't stop thinking about this prefix pasta tasting at Dobby

tonight. Wait a second. You're going to Dobby tonight? Girl, yeah. Dude, you

didn't tell me that. I saw that chef on chef's table. She's incredible.

I love a restaurant run by women because they don't rape or molest their

employees and the food just tastes better. Yeah.

Also, I told them already that you don't eat beef.

Why?

So there's no beef on your plate.

Alana. I'm not coming to your one-year anniversary dinner tonight. Don't be a

bitch. Who's going to mediate?

Right. It's the anniversary slash renegotiation relationship check-in.

Dude, this is big. Do you have all your deal points prepared?

You shot a better than I believe I do.

Dope.

You took the lemons of being fired from anthropology and turned them into

gorgeous, artistic, bad bitch, getting shit done lemonade.

Yeah, I mean, thank God those cards are in here. I'm exhausted from working on

my art all day and catering every night. I needed this.

Happy Abrams.

Donna? Oh my God, I haven't seen you since college, dude. Hi.

Hi. Oh, it's so good to see you.

How are you, Donna?

Oh, Anna.

I am so sorry. I'm truly sorry.

That is so rude.

I am so sorry. Clearly that got relayed from me. This is my best friend, Alana,

and she didn't mean to say that out loud. It's okay. I officially own that

nickname because I beat my smelly pussy.

It only took probiotics and six years of therapy, but I'm officially free of

malodorous pudenda.

Smelly pussy.

Yeah, yeah.

I've actually used my horrible story to inspire other women. I just gave a tad

talk. You give a TED Talk about it? No, a Tad Talk.

Oh, cool.

What are you up to? Are you still doing your art? I really loved her art. She's

so talented. Thanks so much. Yeah, I mean, I'm trying.

She's not trying.

She's succeeding.

She's selling her cards in the store right now.

Okay, these are literally so cute.

I just had the best idea.

I'm a coordinator at MoMA.

Cool. That's amazing.

And we're having an incredible party tonight. Would you guys please come as

my close personal guests?

Oh, I have this dinner I have to go to. That sucks. We can't go.

Oh. Well, I mean, I could still go, like, alone.

Well, I guess you could.

Okay, so you're going to go. Great. Yeah, I put you on the list, and they

are excited to meet you. Oh, my gosh.

My pedophile is here.

What? Oh.

Pedophile is an app for people who are obsessed with pedicabs. I became

obsessed with them in college when I needed to air out my vagina because

smelly pussy thing.

convenient to get around you guys should think about getting the app i am a co

-founder full disclosure i'll see you tonight donna don't forget to dress sexy

i'm gonna see this bitch get into a wow wow

see you tonight melly pussy

donna i wouldn't not air my pussy out in a pedicab yeah me neither four and three

and two and one

Dude, tonight is so cool. A party at MoMA? Come on.

Yeah, I mean, I have to cancel my catering shift, but MoMA's, like, so

worth it. So worth it. I'm a little nervous about going alone.

No, you'll have to play with your Donna.

Donna. You'll have Donna. I mean, I could also ask, like, another one of my

friends. Yeah.

Like, um... I could not ask those... No.

You know what? It's cool to go alone. It is cool, because then I don't have to

explain all the art world ins and outs to someone. It's a lot.

You know, I'm going to call Kevin. Perfect. I'm going to pet this dog.

Perfect. Hi.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Hey, Kevin.

Who is this? It's Abby.

So, listen, this kind of, like, really big deal thing came up tonight art-wise,

and I was wondering if maybe someone could cover my shift.

Fuck!

Tonight is already going to be really intense, and it's too late to find

someone to cover you.

But I guess we'll just have to make do without you. Yes. Okay. Thank you so

much, Kevin. I owe you one. You go for it. Cool.

Okay. Ooh, hot and heavy over here, huh? Is Lincoln now? Well, I did have a

polyamory clause in my deal tonight, but now I have to add a bestiality clause.

I thought it was funny. Thank you.

Happy anniversary slash renegotiation slash check-in.

Yeah.

All right. All right.

Look at that wrapping.

That's for you. That's part of it.

What is this?

It is your very own handmade experience Koopumbuk. Okay.

Hands up.

Dry.

I prefer wet.

Picnic in the park.

Blows out. Wet.

Zoo day.

Anal.

This is awesome.

This is a quantified, organized list of stuff we already do. I love it. Thank

you.

All right.

My turn?

Okay.

Okay.

Oh,

phew.

I mean...

I farted and I went, I got my dress on my nose and then it dissipated.

Okay, chew it.

Yes. I thought of you.

Why?

Just kidding.

Heart.

Asymmetrical hairstyle.

Unabashed confidence.

Helicopter. Abby!

Kevin! Thank God you came after all. I was actually going to fire you for

bailing tonight.

But here you are in your bizarrely gorgeous catering wear.

Here I am.

We've got asparagus beers that still need to be trayed up. And then you can

grab a tray of riblets and start passing them. Did you bring your beret?

Oh, I forgot the beret. It's okay. Just meet me in the garden. I brought an

extra one.

This is our first pasta tasting the bucatini tartufo.

Mushrooms were milled in Hudson, and they were foraged just this morning.

Nice. Gorgeous.

One down, 11 to go. Let's enjoy this food before we get down to business.

I agree.

See, we are already wonderful at negotiating.

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, my God. God damn.

I'm literally getting buttery wet like the noodles.

I would rather walk this pasta even if I knew it had a disease.

I'm a gassy bitch. I eat stinky food.

Garlic,

rosemary, lamb, riblets with a mint compote.

Ab!

Abbie! Hey!

Hey!

So much for coming. It means so much to me. No, thank you for inviting me. This

is awesome.

Oh, God.

Jeffrey Sean Michael Thomas is here.

He has nudes of me.

Thick stuff.

Let's go play knife.

Okay. Hello.

Ding dong.

Let me get in here.

Let me get in.

And so I say, what is this?

Sotheby's?

Oh, my God. Can I borrow your phone?

Excuse me. Oh.

Garlic rosemary lamb rivet with mint compote.

Jesus. This is a spiritual experience.

All right, Lincoln.

Mm-hmm.

Shall we?

Mm-hmm.

As we look ahead at the upcoming year, I would like to discuss the deal points

regarding sexual exploration, starting with the roller coaster idea.

That's a no for me, dog.

The roller coaster's already scary enough without me having my dick out.

Plus, there's pictures, and they project the pictures at the end. Nobody should

see that.

I don't think it would be thrilling.

I can give you Ferris wheel.

Deal. I like that better, actually. Up and down vibes.

I'd like to bring up the item of rom-coms.

Don't know where we're going to get on this. I want to watch four rom-coms a

year. I object because they are offensive to women. That is subjective.

I gotta push back and I'll give you two.

Three. No laughing at them.

Only laughing with them. Give you two laughing at them and one laughing with

them.

Deal. Can I approach the bench?

Yes, you can.

went to MICA as well.

Dope. So, Hopper, what do you do now? I work at a gallery uptown part-time, and

I paint in my studio as much as I can. I teach occasionally at Hunter Undergrad,

as I said.

I heard you had the best time at that residency program out west.

How was it? Yeah, it was great. It was a nice mix of studio time and teaching. It

was really nice.

Beautiful. Wow.

That sounds better than anything I've done in the past eight years.

Oh, I'm sure that's not true.

No, it is.

You know what? I'm going to send you some links to some programs, okay?

Awesome. And also, you are going to mingle tonight. Believe me. Okay, I

will. Yeah. You know who I'd like to mingle with, though?

Those canapes right behind you. Sir!

Excuse me. The food?

Hi. I'm going to find my shoe.

Subscribe. Okay.

Salmon and cucumber twist with a dollop of creme fraiche. Okay. And our salmon

is cured with beetroot.

If I start choking, do not resuscitate. This is how I want to go.

Hysterical.

Okay.

Oh, my laces get tangled.

Food. Oh, you know what? I'm going to go find them because that looks so good.

I'm going to go get me some of it.

Such a character.

Do you have any Coke?

I've always known how to clear out a room.

Okay. Moving on with the proceedings, I would like to look at the next article,

which is a suspension period in monogamy. If we are going to do this for

another beautiful year, I would like to make out with five T

people, 50 people.

Alana, two.

And I have to know about them.

Okay. I mean, deal.

Communication is dope.

On the long-term front, I would like to bring up an issue with the state of

Maryland.

I think I'd like to move there.

You just want to up and move to the middle of nowhere in Maryland?

Well, I'm from there, so my whole family would be there.

My brother's a dentist also, and we've always wanted to start our own practice,

the tooth factory.

And there's lots of great schools there.

Schools? So what, like cars drive around them slower and it's safer to walk?

No, the schools are for the children that I father to attend.

discussing this year? I don't really remember reviewing this for my notes.

Well, I guess while looking at this year's points, I looked ahead at next

year and the year after that.

Is that about the rom-com?

Because I'll watch one every weekend, you know, and I'll just rip a bong and

laugh really sincerely and I'll learn to love them. No, it's just that I want to

buy a house. I'm looking on Zillow. A house is not even that expensive in

Maryland. And I want to have kids and I want to get married.

Lincoln, I'm only 27.

What am I, a child bride?

You know, I don't know that I never want it. I just definitely don't want it

right now.

I could commit to a kid when I'm, like, 43.

Lincoln, I just figured out that I want to go back to school and focus on my

witness.

I'm on a New York City timeline.

Do you ever think you'd change your mind?

At this point, I can't move on that.

I have no counter.

I... I have no counter.

Well, these points are non-negotiable for me.

Bye.

Bye.

a bit of your money.

I'm so sorry.

We were short caterers, and Abby's never really been talented with the tray. Oh,

I'm so sorry. Actually, Abby's an up-and-coming artist and my personal

guest, not a caterer.

Yes, yes.

So, I am actually catering, but I am also a

guest.

Okay, Ab.

We're going to need you to start loading some dirties into a van, so... Totally,

I will do that.

Liars aren't cool. No, I don't think they're cool either.

You know what? I have to go find some canapes to clear my mind. Donna, I can

get you canapes. I have access to all of them.

Don't worry about it. She can get her own canapes.

It's not that bad. I don't even like this dress. It's too yellow.

I am so sorry.

This is not how this was supposed to go down.

I was so excited to be here tonight as a guest with all these...

Cool art people. I mean, I'm actually an artist, too.

I mean, it's not like a real one.

Well, you might not want to say that, but it's smart to have a flexible

service job so that you can make art.

I waited tables for years, and I spilled on lots of people.

In fact, half my pieces are inspired by people I've spilled on.

Well, what are your pieces like? You might know my work. I'm Toy Harris.

Oh, you're Toy Harris?

Holy shit, dude.

You're Toy Harris?

Yeah. You're the third one.

It took us years of protesting, but we're here. I cannot believe you.

So you want to just, you know. I can't believe I spilled on Toy Harris. I

spilled on Toy Harris. Okay. I am getting dizzy. This is insane. Good

night.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Woo!

This is not her night.

Ah!

What do they do?

Put your head out of the window now.

Press it.

Please keep your head out of the window, okay? You keep your head out of the

window.

You keep your head out so... Oh, jeez. Your

blood pressure's low.

You probably fainted from low blood sugar and dehydration.

Your girlfriend said you narrowly met, fainting into something dangerous.

A sculpture, I think.

Oh, wait, is Alana here? No, she's not my girlfriend. People do talk, though.

No, uh, Donna?

The woman who brought you in? Yeah, yeah, Molly Pussy, yeah.

Donna. No, Donna's just my friend.

No, I don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

Surprising.

You just seem like you would.

Oh, thanks.

No, you too.

I mean, obviously you do.

You're a doctor. I don't.

Oh, fart away, man. Oh, God, I'm full.

You know, while I was, um, breaking your toilet, I had a lot of time to think.

And I'm meant to be a polyamorous queen.

I understand.

You got too much love for just one person.

You are so special.

That's a heart on you.

You're going to be an amazing dad and husband, and you should have those

things if you want them. I just don't know that I do right now.

You'll figure it out when it's right.

Do you think I'll figure it out like you by the time I'm 40?

I'm 32.

You know, that coupon book never expires.

Yeah.

Today you have kids, and you have a wife, and you guys are, like, doing this

suburban grind.

I will fly in.

I'll hold on to it.

What? Is it insane that I'm still hungry?

No, not at all.

And that's why I brought the cake in here.

That is a good friend.

Wow.

Yep.

Okay, so this is for a glucose tablet.

Okay. Not a bad idea to carry them with you, just in case.

And if you're still feeling weak tomorrow, I'd make an appointment with

your regular doctor, but you look great to me.

Okay.

So, uh, is that, that's it?

Unless there's something else I can do for you.

I don't think so.

Okay. Well, it was nice to meet you, Abby.

Yeah, it was nice to meet you too, Dr. Marnell.

You know, since we're done, why don't you call me Leslie?

Okay.

Yes. I was just thinking, would it be illegal or whatever if I got your phone

number?

It would not be illegal.

So even though it was a conscious uncoupling and we will stay friends, it

was devastating and tragically bittersweet and fully

broke my heart.

Obviously, you had a shitty night, too. I mean, look at you. You know, let's

never be apart again.

And I'm just praying that your nose returns to its beautiful, glorious

shape. Okay, so my night was, like, kind of nuts.

I started off pretty bad, you know, typical failure after failure.

But then I realized, like, I need to put myself out there alone to meet all

these, like, rad art contacts.

Right? Dude, I met Toy Harris.

Whoa!

Yeah. She's like this incredible artist.

And Smiley Pussy Donna was dope.

She like introduced me to all these people who told me about all these

artist residencies.

She's kind of like my friend.

Totally right.

Yeah. And then at the ER, you know, after I smashed my face, there was this

hot doctor.

OK. And we like really hit it off.

And then I realized the only reason I wasn't automatically asking them out was

because she was a woman.

You don't.

Yes, and I just did it.

We're going to go out on Friday night.

Yes! It was really a transformative night, dude.

So cool. Yes!

Yes! Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,

cool, cool, cool!

Cool! That is so cool!

We just both had these sort of life-altering nights.

So let's watch this thing, huh?

Hello.

My name is Donna Donatacci.

Back in college, they used to call me Smelly Pussy Donna.

Well, not anymore!

Read my lips.

Yogurt!

My nipples are hard.

Oh, yeah.

My ball's tingling from this.

Wow.

As a man, we're usually not capable of multiple orgasms, but this makes

that false.