Original subtitles

It just makes me nuts that this is private. It's like we're supposed to

just, like, circle it.

Gramercy Park douchebags.

If I had a key, I would go in there, like, every morning and read the whole

paper with a coffee or, like, an Oprah try.

Ugh. If I had a key, I'd just throw some fucking weed. Dude, that is genius.

Rich people never get caught.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Hey, are you okay? Come to the gate. She has an eyelid.

Yeah, come over here.

She knows it now. She took a cord.

Come on out.

Okay, come to the gate. I can't reach. I can't reach. I don't want to. Give me

your hand. Give me your arm. Okay, right there.

One,

two, three.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

How can I ever repay you for saving my life?

We've never been in the park.

I mean, we would love a tour. It's beautiful in there.

Absolutely not.

Wait, what? We just saved your life. That's how you worded it. You just said

that. You have to have a key to come in.

You have one.

Shrug.

Sometimes I literally hate humanity.

It was unbelievable.

I can't.

Really?

Oh, no.

This rich baby doesn't even know how to eat.

Four and three and two and one.

You cold, baby?

Just a little bit.

You are like a Colombian drug lord.

That's not going to work now.

Wow. That is better.

God, it's so amazing. But they often work.

I worked seven double shifts in a row.

I remember. You deserve it. You've been working so many bones.

Like literally, I think I can see the bone in your foot. Please put it away,

please. I'm sorry. I have to air it out.

God, it's just nice to have fresh cash, though, you know? And now that I have a

day off, I can buy myself some happiness.

Exhibit A, this freaking bed.

A king for two queens.

You can fit four people in here comfortably.

Speaking of orgies, I need to go put on my penis cream.

Do you need any help?

Again, I do not think that's appropriate enough.

At least do it in here.

Okay, sir.

You, uh, you have something in your teeth.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Is it? I think it's my chest hair. Here, let me, I got it.

Yeah.

I guess I was really going to town.

Like on your chest.

I'm going to go pee.

Okay. All right. Well, uh, fall in.

Oh, my God, Devers!

What are you doing?

Excuse me. Oh, I'm mademoiselle.

But, uh, who'd a fresh man meet?

Okay.

Ew to you.

But he's my new boyfriend.

I met him at the gym. He's a paramedic. And Trey was all like, you're not a

relationship type. And I was all like, uh, am I? Because I'm in one now.

I haven't had my ears candled in a while.

But it sounded to me like he gave you multiples.

Okay. Were you listening to us have sex?

Yeah. Just listening.

Okay. Don't, please.

I'm sorry.

But he is really good at sex.

But I also think that's really about me knowing my body.

Yeah. I've noticed that, too. And I'm proud of you.

God, it's so moist in this bed.

All right.

Oh, hey, uh, this is, um... I'm Matthew Bevers. I'm Abby's roommate.

Oh, hey, um... Mike!

I heard.

You know,

this is the first time ever I'm not bringing my own color. This is a big day

for me, actually.

This feet very badly abused.

Oh, don't worry about it. I call them ballerina feet. Just shave the sides off

a little and slap on some color. Don't be afraid to really grind with that

pumice. Nails, not so much better.

Thin baby nails. Are you working class?

Technically.

Wow.

I love what she's having. You sure?

Very expensive.

Listen, I know what it's like to live off tip, but I did read that terrible

New York Times headline about the exploited salon workers. I want you

having this and not the owner.

I am the owner.

Congratulations.

A clit looks a lot like a swoosh.

And that's how the logo was born.

People don't even realize they walk around with clits all over their shoes.

Makes me laugh.

It should.

Okay.

Before we get to the Amtrak account, we got to talk office party.

We're a month out, and I want to book that private room at Freeman's, so I

need to know who's coming with the plus one.

Oh, I'm making a new relationship. I will be bringing that plus one.

You mentioned it. We know.

Yeah, I just like, I love being part of a couple.

I'm just like that kind of gal, you know?

Woman.

Girl.

Woman. You know, it's not about me.

Do you want to get back to the clit talk?

No, we've got to pass that, Abby.

My God, the board is a mess.

Do you have a harness in the science?

Can you remind me again why you asked me to meet you at what turned out to be a

sex store?

Because I need a second opinion on a new leotard. Come on, Alana.

Why didn't you just ask Abby? Because she's with her new boy toy.

What is that?

It's like 90s canned laughter.

Wait, what about Jaime? Why didn't you ask Jaime?

Gays are not interchangeable, Elliot.

Don't be a fucking homophobe. I'm gay.

Now stop being inappropriate and tell me if my boobs look good in this.

Laura, I really don't want to do this.

Did I or did I not buy you not one, but two Levin cookies?

Okay, fine. Your boobs look bountiful or whatever. I don't know.

It's delicious.

Thank you.

Now help zip a sister up because I can't with these.

Gentle!

Perfect. You want to come to a sick-ass party tonight with me and Abby and

Himmel? Um, whose party is it?

I don't even know. I just clicked on it on Facebook because I need a freaking

place to flaunt my wealth and my body.

Yeah, I definitely don't want to go.

But you will certainly be the belle of the ball.

Don't miss out, brother. Miss out on your sister's body, baby.

Okay.

All right, well, I'm meeting here soon. Text me later.

Oh, you hang up first. No, you.

No, you.

Mike? Hello?

Did somebody order a hot brick cook?

He's so cute, right?

Ooh,

neck hair.

What?

There is a hottie at this party that looks just like... A mere look-see-loo.

Oh, yeah. Que rico.

It's a big problem, though.

I'll be there.

I'm sorry.

You know how I have a gorgeous uncircumcised penis?

Oh, I do now.

How have I not told you about his gorgeous uncircumcised penis?

You're not listening.

But I love it. I love it because it has so much more, like, like, sabor,

sensitivity than normal cut penis does.

Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

Circumcision exposes the penile head, decreasing sensitivity over time. The

tip becomes calloused, leaving cut penises with like 5% of the pleasure

experienced by intact men.

Pullback gang all damn day. Every day.

Oh, how do you know so much about this?

Honestly, if you don't read a book soon, you're going to forget how.

The problem is because of my particular pH balance, I am prone.

I am prone to having the yeast infections.

He has one now. That's why I'm wearing this skirt.

But the thing is, like, I know I look good, but I don't feel sexy.

So I've been thinking that maybe it is time for me to cut my pepito.

Wow.

It's heavy.

Wow.

Should we drink?

Yes!

Woo-hoo!

What's that behind your ear?

football game I watched.

God, you're cute as shit.

Thanks. You want a smash later?

Um, uh, no. Thank you for the polite invite, I guess, but I'm actually seeing

someone. What a waste of two minutes.

You okay? You want me to cut a bitch?

No, it's all right. That's like the third dude that's hit on me tonight.

I'm not surprised. That's what happens when you're taken.

Everybody can smell your pheromones.

Spraying off your mind's pubis.

Gotta make my day off count. Work hard, play hard, baby. Hold up.

Jesus, I'm getting there.

Thank you very much.

Ow.

Jesus. I'm really sorry. It was just the tips.

Oh, those are dangerous.

Oh, but they do come in handy.

here is terrible. I swear to God, train service and cell service has been

terrible since we became a fascist state.

You know what? I'm going to see if I can get service in another room.

You know what? I'm going to work my death trap.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to leave. I'm just getting service.

I'm having a tough time.

Well, actually, my husband and I are having a tough time.

And I really don't know what to do.

Relationships are tough.

Take it from me.

How long have you guys been together?

Show me just one.

I'll show you both.

I'll show you right now. Alana, what's up?

Damien! Hey, what's up? How are you? Good to see you. You too. What are you

doing here?

What are you talking about? This is my party.

I invited you.

Yes. Yeah. Right.

Right, yeah.

Wait, does that mean that...

Hold on a second.

I'm just going to grab this.

Okay.

I'll come back for you.

I should have invited her.

Well, hello.

Hey. Alana.

Alana Wexler. Yeah, I know. How are you? You look great.

You look good, too. You look like a video girl.

Woman.

Video girl.

You look good.

Oh, hey.

Steph, this is Alana.

Alana is my girlfriend.

Steph.

Oh, no.

Oh,

no. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Pronto before I Edward Fizzers out my ass.

You owe me a dude a favor, bitch.

Hey, this is Abby. Sorry I couldn't answer the phone. Probably with my

boyfriend, Mike. We're in a relationship.

Thanks for nothing.

In you.

Alana, it's me.

Oh, hey.

Hey, did you shit your leotard?

No.

How'd you know?

I know that face anyway. That face is saying I'm shitting my leotard.

Also, it really smells like shit in here.

It's just distinct.

That's a big clue.

It smells how it's supposed to smell.

Well, thank you so much. I do appreciate you checking in, but your services are

not needed here.

So thank you for...

I guess I am open to the idea of circumcision, you know? Okay. But you

know, Damien, I just love the full sensitivity to my penis. Of course.

No, this one for me is like a full body experience.

Yeah? Really? Yeah. It's like my body fills up with fire and then I just jump

into a glacier that's broken up just for me.

That's how a normal orgasm feels for you?

So sorry.

Maybe there's a language barrier still behind me.

It's like when the world comes beneath my feet and when I open my eyes, the

universe is reborn.

You know what I mean?

Kind of, yeah.

When I orgasm, it's kind of like, okay, you know the little basketball hoops

that are in the kiddie pool for the kids?

Yeah. So I'm dunking on it. Wow, slam dunk.

Wow.

And it feels great.

I mean, we started going out in college, and we started going in different

directions, you know. It's been like three months. since we had sex, and even

then it wasn't good.

I just tried to have sex with him right now, and he pretended he was asleep. It

is 9 p.m.

Relationships are complicated. I mean, I know.

It's about communication and listening to each other's energies.

Tell him what you want. Tell him what you need.

That's what Mike and I do, and we're great.

Wow, you are right.

You just really get relationships.

So how long have you two been together?

We've been together.

Long, long days.

Wait, what?

Well, okay.

Our connection is, like, super powerful.

It's like we've known each other for, like, three months, four months.

What's his middle name?

Um, Gerto. Where's he from?

From Ohio.

Iowa. Somewhere.

relationship you're literally sleeping with a stranger you won't even know for

like years if you even get that far and even then you can end up being a

completely different person than the guy he is right now

okay

oh my god thank you i really needed that

We're going to have to rip it.

I know.

Perfect.

Yeah!

Those things look dangerous.

Because I'm rich now.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Got a dope waiting job and a making period bank.

I'm much more mature than when you last saw me.

It looks like it.

Yeah.

Could you close your eyes?

All right.

Closed.

Steph seems really nice.

Well, she is.

Yeah, she seems cool and pretty, and I hope you guys are making each other work

out of them a lot.

You know, a lot of me and you, we had our own thing going, and that was fine,

but now I'm getting what I want, and I'm happy, and I hope you're getting what

you want, too.

Yeah.

Oh, you can open your eyes now.

What were you doing while they were closed?

I'm going to need to bite.

Demi in a bottle of wine or something.

I'm sorry I had to see you like this.

You're lucky you got out when you did, brother.

I am a rich, disgusting monster.

It's okay.

You should probably just take a shower.

Yeah. What I just did when you closed your eyes made it worse.

Much, much, much worse. It became a medical issue.

There's only one Alana Wexler.

Okay, just let me get this out.

Someone recently told me that I'm not a relationship person, so I think I just

dove into this too fast.

I think I just need some time to really figure myself out. I just want to make

sure you know it's me and not you.

Oh, well, yeah, it's only been six days. I didn't realize we're being exclusive.

What?

Well, I've been sleeping with a couple people.

Okay, well, I guess there's nothing more to say unless you have something to say.

And lots of heartbeat.

Oh.

How'd it go?

I let him down easy.

Good girl. Yeah.

Okay, baby.

Here we go.

You know,

I wanted last night to be so perfect, but I can't stuff my tips into my empty

heart.

I'm so sorry. God.

And now I have to lose these tips.

It's like they're leaving office all over again.

I know.

I think it is time for me to lose my tip, too. I'm so sorry, Jaime.

It's okay.

Ow! I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

I'm so sorry, too. It was a tough call.

I don't have a tip metaphor for me personally for today. It's okay. But I

did realize, you know, maybe I'm not a relationship girl.

You know? But maybe I'm not, not one either. Like, maybe I'm just figuring it

all out. I'm just gonna focus on myself.

You know?

Both. Totally.

Oh!

Fuck!

Thank you.

This house costs $480.

I... Alana, we need to talk about... Like you're spending.

Oh, you know how to spend?