Original subtitles

Hello?

You need help?

Damn.

Nice.

So, is this going to be a one at a time kind of thing

or family style?

Hello.

Goodbye.

What in the space fuck was that?

Hello, come come.

Xanadu, come come, have a drink.

Wow.

My my.

I haven't seen this in years.

Is she blah.

No.

She must be pissed.

She will be when she wakes up.

Good,

good.

Yes.

Thank you.

Anyways, they're all waiting for you.

They're always waiting for me.

You're late.

You need to be mindful of your time, young one.

Actually, it's fitting, 'cause that's what

I wanted to talk to the two of you about, time.

Time is the one thing we cannot defeat,

no matter how hard we try,

no matter how hard we fight, how many enemies we face,

how strong we think we are, time will always win in the end.

My lovely Xanadu,

so strong, so brave,

such a bright light in this otherwise dark place.

We're very much alike, you and I.

My beautiful Raven.

Such fire in you.

So powerful, so impulsive and rebellious.

Also very much like myself.

Time may not be up quite yet for me,

but it is getting closer every day.

And in this time and in this place,

there is no promise of a tomorrow for any of us.

It would be my dream after I'm gone

that the two of you rule side by side together,

but we know that's not destined to happen.

Because just like a coin,

you can toss it in the air a thousand times,

but once it lands, only one side can be on top.

It's time to decide your futures.

It's time for you to fight.

Xanadu.

Raven.

Yeah, we were just wondering, what is a Xanadu anyway?

Xanadu, an idealized place

of great magnificence and beauty.

A better question would be, what is a Raven?

If not a black, hideous squawking creature?

Did I mention hideous?

No offense.

Ravens are survivors, plain and simple.

I'm just surprised that you showed up at all.

And here I am.

I thought this was gonna be a fair fight.

No pets allowed.

Out there in the beyond, do they fight fair?

Nope.

Then why should we?

It's about survival,

and you were more than welcome to bring your friends along.

We all know, you don't have any.

I've got all the friends I need.

Right here.

Then let's get to it.

Let's.

Can I pet your dogs?

By all means.

Please make it look like a fight.

It's fine.

I don't need it.

Neither do I.

You stinking little bitch.

Sabina taught you everything you know,

but not everything I know.

Always fun playing with your little sis.

What?

Dad!

Life is good.

See how long this lasts.

Dad.

Dad.

Dad, the sisters, look.

Cool.

I wish Xanadu Hellfire could come here and visit.

I would like that also, Ruby.

Is she single?

Yeah, totally single, as am I,

because boys are stupid.

No offense, but don't have time for that shit.

Rubio?

Yes, Daddio?

Did you do your homework?

So close.

Well, I still got Spooky Tales.

I'll keep her.

That comic sucks.

Your face sucks.

Why don't you read something cool, like Batman?

Batman's lame.

He's just a rich chump

who beats up on cats, clowns, and penguins.

That's right.

You know what's really lame? Girls.

Okay, okay ladies, relax.

This is how I relax.

All right, everyone put away your fists and take a seat.

Later.

I always wanted to show up at the last second

and save the day, like in the comics, you know?

Maybe one day you will.

I'm telling Mr. Head.

Beat it hillbilly.

How about a swift kick to the junk?

No thanks.

Whoa, no way.

Look, I know how to bring back Xanadu.

Back where?

- Here. - How?

Right here in Xanadu Hellfire, issue number 187.

She uses her millennium staff to open up a portal in time,

and send Dr. Wicked to the future forever.

So if they can go to the future.

They can come back to the past.

Rad.

Uh oh, too many cheese puffs.

Is there ever such thing as too many cheese puffs?

You're right.

Wanna grab more cheese puffs?

- All right girls. - Whoa.

Ruby, your Daddy,

Is he dating anyone?

Mom, gross.

No, but he does have

a pretty tight relationship with ice cream.

Yummy, don't we all.

Chicks for life?

Chicks for life.

Can I get in on this?

No.

Bye, Becky.

Ruby?

Say hi to your Daddy from me.

Okay.

Becky's mom says hi.

Oh, I always wanted to get mauled by a cougar.

What?

Nothing.

Tough day?

Tough day.

Afternoon pancake should do the trick.

Here you go, Rubio.

Mega thanks, Daddio.

So, your birthday's coming up.

Any ideas on what you want to do, or where you want to go?

I was thinking we'd go into the desert

and bring Xanadu Hellfire back from the future

using the millennium staff,

just like in Xanadu Hellfire, issue number 187.

Hmm.

I was thinking more along the lines of Chili's.

Whose birthday is it?

Ruby's.

And what does Ruby wanna do?

Go into the desert,

bring Xanadu Hellgirl back from the future

using the amazing stick thingy.

Millennium staff.

Millennium staff.

Same page, Daddio?

Same page, Rubio.

We can go to Chili's after.

Yes.

We do have one small problem though.

What?

How do we get our hands on this millennium staff?

Don't worry, Daddio.

I know a guy.

You know what guy?

You shouldn't know any guys.

What guy?

You're a guy.

Yeah, I'm a guy.

What guy?

I will ground you for the rest of your life.

No.

Ruby, hey.

I'm not taking bets on dodge ball games at the moment.

I'm not here for that.

Well, I'm out of Otter Pops, also.

That totally sucks, but not here for that either.

We have a special projects for you.

Who's we?

This is my dad.

Steven.

Radical, nice to meet you.

Were you followed?

By who?

Don't say too much?

Where's your mouse?

Hmm? Oh. Right here.

Now, I have one rule and one rule only.

Do not, and I mean do not, touch anything.

I not so fast, Evo.

All right, there.

Now, what can the Radical do for you?

We need to get our hands on the millennium staff.

Why didn't you say so?

I just did.

Wait, the millennium staff,

like in Xanadu number 187 when she-

Sent Dr. Wicked back into the future once again,

ridding the world and beyond of evil.

Exactly.

Millennium staff.

Yeah, that's a tough one.

Real tough.

Very time-consuming, very labor-intensive.

I can help you.

Gonna be $227.

Seems kind of high.

Yeah.

Beep beep, beep beep beep, beep beep.

Carry the one.

Beep, beep beep beep beep, beep, two.

How about six bucks?

How about seven?

How about five?

Pay the good man.

Okay.

Got change for 20.

Nope.

All right.

I'm gonna go grab it, I know where it is.

I'm pretty sure I know where it is.

Let me get outta here for a second.

Oh, my knee.

It's alright.

Whoa.

Cool.

Oh, you're coming back?

This millennium staff is super cool.

Yeah, we're good, we're good.

My foot.

Perfect. No, you're all right.

You're all right, all right.

Now here is a convenient map of exactly where to go

and exactly what to do.

Why do you have this?

Oh, that's a need to know basis.

I need to know.

Yeah, I'm not telling.

Now, there is two very important things to remember.

Which are?

First, place the staff on the exact point on the map,

start turning it clockwise slowly, but not too slow.

And second?

Huh?

You said there were two very important things

we need to remember.

I said that?

Like 20 seconds ago.

Nah, that's probably just the one thing.

You guys are good.

Oh, time for my nap.

Yep, yep, one more time.

Oh, wait wait, let me get up.

Let me get up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Remember, don't touch anything.

Okay?

Hey, he's gone.

Oh, slinky.

Ruby, stop chasing that snake, come on.

But he was a cute snake.

I'll get you one when we get home.

Yes.

There's the water.

Are you sure you wanna be doing this for your birthday?

Yeah.

Hold on. Hold on.

Water.

Mountains.

Let's go check over here.

Dad, I see it.

Is this it?

I can't believe it's actually here.

Here's the staff, for the map.

I have the power.

Dad.

Right.

Sorry.

It says to turn it clockwise slowly.

Hey.

You do the honors.

Maybe it takes a few minutes.

Yeah.

Let's just chill out, kill some time.

Dirt, fine.

You're dead.

You gotta catch me first, boo.

You gotta go fast than that, that's weak.

That is weak.

Got ya.

Oh yeah? Here, hold this for a second.

Let's go raid.

Why do you hate me so much?

You know why, little sister.

My father didn't kill your father.

He did.

He didn't.

They were friends.

They're both gone now anyways, so what does it matter?

Look, if it wasn't for your father,

I wouldn't be stuck competing

with a runty little scab like you,

and there'd be no question as to whether I am queen

when mother is gone.

And the world was already ruled by anger,

and this is where it got us.

Might be time for a softer touch.

Look at this.

Please don't read that again.

Tsunami burger,

cooked to your liking,

topped with three types of cheese, zesty sauce,

fresh tomatoes, cool greens, jalapenos,

and topped with our world famous homemade guacamole.

All on a buttery, toasted bun.

You don't even know what guacamole is.

I know, but I might wanna try it.

They had this,

and we have

that.

Fuck your guacamole.

Holy shit.

Swear jar.

Awesome.

More dirt.

What the hell?

We just jammed a stick in the ground,

and whammo blammo Xanadu fancy girl from the future

just pops out?

Dad just goes with it.

Hot bananas.

You are real.

Where am I?

Earth.

I'm from Earth.

How did I get here?

I brought you here.

And who are you?

I'm Ruby.

Ruby?

Your name's Ruby?

Mm-hm.

I like that name, very much.

Rad.

This is Steven.

Hi, I'm Steven.

I once ate a coyote named Steven.

Cool.

I'm Ruby's dad.

My father was torn to pieces by scavengers

in the Great Beyond.

Bummer.

Let me be the first to welcome you to 2022.

What?

No, it's, it's 2097.

Not here it ain't, come with us.

We'll explain everything.

Somebody's hungry.

I have not eaten in three days.

Do you have a place we can hunt?

Actually, I do.

Right this way.

♪ Oh my gosh. ♪

♪ Wait, what ♪

♪ I'm not hard ♪

♪ I'm soft like a kitten ♪

♪ Loose your dogs on me ♪

♪ I'm gonna cry when I'm bitten ♪

♪ I'm not hard ♪

♪ I can't bro with the cheese ♪

♪ I'm a liver-skinned white boy ♪

♪ Sugar in every meal ♪

♪ I'm not hard. ♪

Hey guys, welcome back.

How do like the new location?

What's up with the nautical theme?

Oh, it used to be a Kurt Russell's Fish and Chips.

Yeah, so three of you?

All right, and who is this?

This is Xanadu.

Of course it is.

Right this way.

You missed a spot.

Saw that.

There you go.

Ruby.

Xanadu.

Steve-O.

Thanks, man.

No problem.

So, what are we having?

Oh God, these are burgers.

Oh, this can't be real.

I need to get a Tsunami Burger.

Oh, we don't have that anymore.

What?

We don't serve that anymore.

What?

So can you remind me what's on that?

Three types of cheese, zesty sauce,

fresh tomatoes, cold greens, jalapenos,

topped with our world famous homemade guacamole

on a buttery toasted bun, cooked to my liking.

And how would you like that cooked?

With fire.

Small, medium, or badass?

Badass.

Oh yeah.

Make that three.

With taters.

Taters, all right.

Three tsunami burgers and taters.

A what?

Here, I wrote it down for you.

Harley, take out the trash.

All right.

White folks.

Welcome to Sucka's Badass Burgers.

You know the place.

Used to be Kurt Russell's Fish and Chips,

but now it's mine.

Oh yeah.

We got taters.

We got other stuff too.

If you ain't here, you ain't shit.

Come on down to Sucka's Badass Burgers.

Eat it with your mouth.

Now with 50% less donkey meat.

Oh yeah.

Bam!

Wow.

I have waited my entire life for this very moment.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Mm.

Badass.

What was,

what was that?

That's a high five.

It's when something super exciting happens

and you wanna celebrate it.

Don't they have high fives in the future?

Hey, look at that.

That was a mistake.

How did you do that?

I don't know.

I kind of liked it.

That thing around your neck

started to glow before it happened.

My mother gave me this.

We all get one once we're old enough.

So, why did you bring me here, little Ruby?

I just wanted to meet you.

So you brought me through

an unstable hole in the universe,

through decades of time and space, just to hang out?

Yeah.

Cool.

It was worth it.

So why me?

Because you're legend.

You are.

Legend?

See?

Whoa.

Radical.

Xanadu's disappeared.

What do you mean, disappeared?

I mean, we were having

a friendly conversation by the fire,

then all of a sudden a beam of light.

One minute she's here, then she's not.

Then there's some energy and I don't know,

it's a hole in the world, a window, a door,

a beam of energy or light, whatever.

I don't know what it's called.

Portal.

- Portal? - Portal.

Like you said, a door, a window.

I knew this was gonna happen.

Knew what would happen?

Remember when you were children,

I told you these wild stories

of moving forward and backward through time.

Yes.

Well, they weren't just stories.

They were true.

I told you that shit was real.

Whoa.

Well, where is she?

It's not so much where, it's more like when.

Someone must have opened a portal to the past

and I have a pretty good idea where and when she is.

How do you know so much about these portals, anyway?

Because,

I discovered them.

Sonja, Valeria, I need you to go find her.

What?

Why them?

Because I need you here.

It can be very difficult to find your way back,

and I cannot afford to have the both of you gone.

You two go.

Oh rad.

Through that?

Is it dangerous?

I mean, the portal, no.

The destination, yes.

The past can be very dangerous, very seductive.

Many people never return.

You're not afraid, are you?

Kimo.

You really enjoyed that, didn't you?

Oh, great fun.

Great fun.

Yeah, I just got it.

She's a beauty.

Of course, I parked like an asshole.

I'm gonna have the chicks falling on over me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yo Elvira, stay away from the vehicle.

What did you?

Looks like somebody already took out the trash.

Bitchin' shirt.

Thank you.

So this is Chai Tea, Joey Cho,

Mr. Cuddlebumps, Mermaid Tristan,

and my best friend Becky.

Who's this?

That's my mom.

What's wrong?

You remind me of her.

What happened to your mother?

She left when I was really little.

She just wasn't too good at being a mom, I guess.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

My dad tries to make up for it by being pretty damn cool.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I think you're pretty damn cool, too.

Really?

Maybe, even a little badass.

Dad!

Dad, Xanadu said I was badass!

Cool.

Can you help me turn this badass couch into a badass bed?

Monkey.

Do they have monkeys in the future?

Yes, they're delicious.

All righty then.

Oh, we set you up a place to sleep.

Oh, I don't think I can sleep right now.

Me neither. Let's stay up and watch TV.

- I'll go get some snacks. - Okay.

No sugar.

- You can have some sugar. - You can't.

What's that?

Oh this?

This is magic, watch.

♪ It's that time again ♪

♪ When I feel the need to speak up ♪

You two are gonna regret all that sugar.

No way.

Oh, way.

No way, hey hey hey.

No way, hey hey hey.

Now way, hey hey hey.

♪ As I find my turn ♪

♪ I think of all the things I should have said ♪

Better.

Have you seen Carlos?

Who's Carlos?

Can you draw him?

Hello, and welcome to Sucka's Badass Burgers.

I'm looking for a girl.

So am I, yeah.

About yay tall.

Kind of into Pokemon and yo pro, pro yo.

Yo pro yo?

How do you pronounce it?

I don't know, yo.

But anyway, she'd be dressed similar to me.

Not as cool.

Horrible, stringy blonde hair like a fairy.

Ah, screw that.

Let's split and get a hot dog.

Or I could just rip your arm off

and beat you to death with it.

Ooh, can't we do both?

You know, I think I did see someone in here earlier.

She was with a kid.

Where might I find this kid?

I don't know, at school or something.

What school?

There's one down yonder that opens up in the morning.

Thank you Mr. Jones, I require shelter.

Oh yeah.

What the crap?

Hey, what the hell?

Where the hell have you been?

Freaking suck.

What took you so long?

I didn't wanna come.

Took you long enough.

Freaking made me.

All right, let's go.

What the hell?

I didn't order any Chinese food.

We require shelter.

Ah, piss off.

Wrong answer.

What's your name?

Monica.

Shut up, Monica.

She's pretty, huh?

Very.

And what's her name?

Sarah.

Did you know where I come from,

we get to pick our own names.

No way.

Way.

Cool.

And my mother even picked her own last name.

It was safer to hide who you were and where you were from

after my father died.

She sounds pretty cool.

Did she teach you to be a badass, too?

Yes, but mostly my father helped me.

Not the warrior that she was,

but he was smart and good at making things.

Why are we here?

All day, every day, what do you say you want to be?

A great warrior.

Your mom's a great warrior.

Your sister's a great warrior,

but they can only teach you so much.

You're gonna teach me to be a great warrior?

Not exactly.

You're leaving me here?

This is how I become a great warrior?

What do I do?

Where do I go? No food, no weapons?

Trust this, and this.

Besides, I was told no weapons.

Who told you that?

Hello.

My name's Xanadu.

What's your name?

I am Sabina.

Stop, stop that.

Didn't you getting hit?

No.

Then, why do you keep getting hit?

That's not fair.

You have that, and I don't have anything.

Fair?

What does this mean?

Nothing?

You have nothing.

You have hip, legs, hands, fists,

elbows, blonde hair, hops.

Huh?

Very good.

You have some fire in you.

I hate fire.

Fire is only good for one thing.

What's that?

To cook.

I must eat.

What?

So do I get one of those?

This?

Hmm.

No good.

Earn?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Go get some sleep.

You have a long year ahead.

Year?

What's wrong with your face?

Do you know what tomorrow is?

I don't even know what today is.

Tomorrow is one year.

You said one year, and tomorrow is one year.

It is?

Hmm.

I don't remember saying that.

Go to sleep.

We don't know what tomorrow brings until it's here.

Are you gonna leave me here like my father did?

What? Why?

You're gonna leave me here with nothing?

But this is yours.

Now it's yours.

Does this mean I pass?

If I see you again, you pass.

Wait, wait, what does that mean?

What?

I guess you passed.

I guess I did.

So, how was it?

So much better than monkey.

Okay.

Clean up and off to school, young lady.

Oh, but dad, I don't wanna go to school today.

No way, you can't miss any more days of school.

Dude.

Don't dude me, you're not missing school.

If I have to go than can Xanadu come with me?

Can you bring your deadly warrior princess from the future

who we barely know, into a classroom full of kids?

Of course.

Okay.

Hey, that was sarcasm.

This is bullshit.

Okay, today we're gonna learn some very basic skills

on how to deal with bullying.

Okay? Ruby, so nice of you to join us.

And who's this?

This is Xanadu.

She's a badass warrior from a future hellscape.

Okay, she's an exchange student from Canada.

Woo.

She's a little tall for this grade, don't you think?

But we can sort it out later.

May I take your staff?

No.

Okay, just have a seat there in the back.

Are you, are you real?

You must be Becky.

Okay, does anyone know the first rule

of dealing with a bully?

Yes, Xanadu?

Rip out their tongues, crush their skulls,

and throw their bodies into the pit of eternal fire.

Did you say pit of eternal fire?

Yes.

No, it's communication.

Let's all say it together.

Communication.

Very good.

Now, does anyone know the second rule

of dealing with a bully?

Remove their eyes with a sharp rock,

rip their heads from their bodies,

and display it as a warning sign to others.

No. Close.

It's listening.

Listening.

Good.

Kimo.

The portal my mother opened,

I know you have a way of opening it.

You wouldn't lie to me, would you, Kimo?

I know you understand this.

You will help me, come on.

Oh, sweet.

My dad made it.

What is it?

Oh, it's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Mm, so good.

I know, my dad makes the best ones.

Did you go to school when you were a kid?

Mm-hm, and one time my mom threw me into a hole

with two wild boars and sharp stick.

Is that like the Hogans, or what?

I was eight.

Oh boy, here we go.

♪ Becky and Ruby sit in it in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

No one goes up into a tree to kiss, dumb-ass.

Except monkeys.

Yes, monkeys.

♪ Becky and Ruby sitting ♪

We you get the idea.

Who's this, your mom?

Ooh, good one jerk wad.

You two, come closer.

Now, I know you two think it makes you super cool

to pick on your fellow humans,

but really it just makes you super annoying.

See, this is you two,

your stupid little songs,

and your lame-ass comments, over and over and over.

You might even forget about it after a while.

Stop.

With this.

This is Ruby, and Becky,

and all the other girls that you pick on.

Oh, I know you think you're all big and bad now,

but one day these awesome girls

are gonna come together and boom.

I'm pretty sure that was a felony.

It's okay, I have a great attorney.

What happened here?

It's okay, I'm from the future.

Get up, you jerk wads.

♪ Just another lover of the organized noise ♪

♪ To get down now, the weapon of choice ♪

Oh, did you kill this yourself?

I kill it every night, honey.

We should get a drink sometime.

Drinks?

Chicks for life.

Chicks for life.

Bye Becky.

Bye Ruby.

Ruby?

Yeah, yeah, say hi to my dad.

Thanks kiddo.

Hey, chuck wagon.

Hey, hey, chuck wagon.

Yeah you, cracker barrel.

We see you there,

sloughing around.

Up to jack shit,

in your flannel shirt and jumbo pants.

Now is the time,

time to put down those hot pockets, and get into shape.

And round ain't no shape.

Hey,

have a seat.

That certainly sounds like...

- Watching the news. - a bad situation.

Let's go to our own Trisha Takasaki

with more on this breaking news.

Thanks Jillian.

Well, yesterday I was in downtown Costa Mesa,

where earlier something truly remarkable occurred.

I am being told that we have some cell phone footage

of the incident.

Let's take a look.

Back to you, Jillian.

Oh crap.

Was that your-

Sister?

I don't know.

But if it was, we're gonna need some help.

I know some guys that might help.

You know some guys.

What guys?

These guys you know, are they great warriors?

Mm.

One of 'em had a Camaro in high school.

Actually I haven't seen any of 'em in years.

How do we track down these guys?

I know a guy.

She knows a guy.

But, you know a guy?

Okay.

Oh no.

Shit, how long have you guys been here?

We've been here for like 20 minutes.

Ah, don't touch my stuff.

Rule number one, my snacks are my stuff.

Those are for me, only me.

You get a pass.

You can touch my stuff.

Huh?

Rule number one, don't touch my stuff.

My snacks are my stuff.

Xanadu Hellfire, my dojo.

I can't believe it.

He's not as creep as he looks.

I promise.

I am. I promise.

What are, what are you?

Stop.

Stop that, cut that out.

Okay.

Cut that out.

Okay.

- Stop. - Stop.

Let's proceed.

So who are we looking for?

First up is Dennis Siever.

We went to Mission Viejo High School together.

How long ago?

Jesus.

Boom.

He works at Big Daddy Dennis's Used Car Lot down on Chapman.

Huh?

Stop being a bum on a bus.

Come on down to Big Daddy Dennis Used Car Lot.

We got this beauty right here, which is a steal of a deal.

Comes with four tires, your own set of keys,

a steering wheel, and trust me,

there is an engine under the hood.

And if you're married, your wife will love it.

So will your girlfriend.

Big Daddy Dennis's Used Cars.

Come get yourself some wheels,

and quit walking motherfucker.

Huh?

All right.

Ah,

last but not least.

Last but not least?

What, do you only have like two friends?

Not important.

We need to find Dewey D Duncan.

Now this one will be hard.

Dewey, he is an enigma.

A drifter.

Uh huh.

Yeah, a ghost.

Yep, yep, yep, mm-hm.

A phantom, he disappeared back in '97.

Yeah?

What else?

I really don't think you're gonna be able to find him.

It's like a one in a million shot.

Yeah, right.

1997.

Hey yo, Triple D.

Yeah man.

Hey, your friend Steven,

you haven't seen him in about 20 plus years.

Stevie Stevie Baby Wienie?

He wants you to go help him fight an army of future babes

with a very low chance of survival.

Babes, you say?

From the future?

Boom, A plus in math.

Rubio.

A minus.

Better.

We earn our pluses in this family.

Oh, will there be pizza?

No.

There's never fucking pizza.

Radical.

The fuck you looking at, panther?

I need new decor.

Here, I got a bunch of my mom's stuff for you to try on.

Really?

Really.

You look rad!

I feel rad.

Hey, looks like somebody already took out the...

Ooh, kinky.

Fuck, you on a break?

Oh no, not another one.

They're at the school, lots of fools, can't miss 'em.

One of the wives kicked me in the balls, but I still sold the car.

- Congratulations? - Thanks, bro.

So, guys. What has it been? Like 50 years.

We're not even 50 yet.

- More like 20. - Alright.

Hey?

Now we can get started.

I'm sure you're all wondering

why we've gathered you here today.

Not really.

To make a long story short,

we accidentally

on purpose brought Xanadu here from the future

using a magical portal.

And there might be an evil sister, Raven,

but definitely some mean ass chicks from the future.

And they are looking to cause

a butt load of trouble all over town.

And we need your help.

About how much does that pay?

Oh, we can't promise any money,

or even that you'll survive,

but maybe just maybe when it's all said and done,

you guys will become legends.

Will I be home by six?

- No. - I'm in.

Great, your training starts now.

Say what?

I said.

Faster.

You guys can do way better.

Is this the best you've got?

This can't be all you have.

What do you think?

I think we need to call in the big gun.

I agree.

Becky!

These guys are in trouble.

You'll never be a real warrior.

Holy shit!

Guys, come quick!

Thank you Jillian.

And now we're going to go over to our own Trisha Takasaki,

who will tell us about these mysterious visitors

who are wreaking havoc all over our fair city.

Trisha?

And Trisha's down.

She's back up.

Way to be professional, Trisha.

Thanks Jim.

Well, the city is all abuzz with the recent sightings

of these strange individuals

and the mayhem they have been causing.

Let's go to the tape.

Yeah.

Whoa!

As you can see, moments ago,

these hostiles tore a path right through the downtown.

They were last seen headed in the direction

of Mission High School.

Isn't that where you graduated, Jim?

No, you know I didn't graduate, Jillian.

And now so does everyone else.

I don't need this shit.

I'm a professional.

I'll be in my trailer.

Double-wide trailer?

I fucking heard that, Trisha.

What did I do?

For just 27 easy Benjamins,

you can get super-jacked like Chai Tea and I here.

Kabam!

Yo, put those guns away.

Get jacked.

Get super-jacked.

Copywritten, all rights reserved, and all that shit.

You heard them.

Let's get super-jacked.

No, the news,

said they were headed towards the high school.

Let's rock.

Yeah!

He'll catch up.

Where is everyone?

Sonja?

Do you boys know why you are here?

Because school sucks.

Wrong. It's because you broke into Professor Woolworth's office

and stole his guinea pig.

Whoa, dude. We didn't steal it.

- We, we gave it it's freedom. - Yeah, we're heroes.

Right. How soon after did it run into the parking lot

and get hit by a bus?

- Five minutes. - But it was a glorious five minutes.

Moment of silence for Skittles.

Ugh.

- Excuse me. - You're excused.

Class dismissed.

Why didn't you run?

Running sucks.

We're looking for a girl dressed like us, but stupid.

Horrible big mane of just straw blonde hair.

Yeah, nobody at this crap school dresses that cool.

Hey, hey, take me with you.

Where are those fools?

Found him.

No.

No.

Hey.

Let's all walk in slow motion.

What's slow motion?

You never heard of slow motion?

It's awesome, trust me.

It's where everyone lines up,

and we walk super slow,

and it looks wicked cool.

So there's danger over there, very urgent danger,

and your solution is to walk towards it, but slowly.

Yep.

But time is of the essence.

Exactly.

Is everybody in?

No.

Come on, Xana-doodle.

All the cool kids are doing it.

Fine. Fine.

Rubio, you do the honors.

On three.

One, two, three.

- Slow motion. - Motion.

Let's do this.

Yo, emos.

Got a hall pass?

Shit, Coach McCoy don't get paid enough for this.

Huh, Coach McCoy's a badass.

What's that sound?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, the drama class is down the hall.

We're gonna hurt one of you real bad.

You choose.

Why are they moving so slowly?

I don't know, think I got time to pee?

What?

I mean, nobody ever really thinks about that.

We're out here,

you know we're kicking ass, or we're doing our thing,

fucking shit up,

and like nobody ever says, maybe they just need to pee.

What about eating?

Yeah, when are we gonna eat?

Oh God, I'm trying to figure out

what's going on over there.

It's called slow motion.

Oh look, I'm actually some used to you guys.

Anyway, like I was saying, it's called slow motion.

You know the art of looking cool

while getting there in like twice the time.

That is idiotic.

Yeah, but would you rather look cool or be on time?

She's got a point.

Okay, well, dark one,

you want to be part of our gang,

go over there and take care of that.

You got it.

Dark one, I like it, I like it.

Go.

I'm going, I'm going.

Hold up, I got this.

You trained us well.

Besides, I do this for a living.

I am the primo numero uno undisputed king of negotiating.

Hey there little lady.

Ooh.

What a dipshit.

I like her.

Guys, I got this.

I may not have book smarts like Dennis,

but I got me some street smarts and they've got me this far,

so trust me when I say, I got this.

What do you guys think, face or balls?

Face for sure.

Balls.

Ruby, don't say balls.

Bubble balls, balls, balls.

I like her.

Me too.

Hey there little lady.

Ooh.

Hey there, little man.

Right in the entertainment center.

Entertainment center?

The balls.

Look at me.

Turn your head a little more.

Tiny bit more.

Perfect.

Ah, she's in.

Ah.

Face, yes.

They're on our side.

Oh right.

Yeah.

Okay, I got this.

Steven, Steven, I know you wanna help and that's great.

But this moment right here, right now,

this is a job for a girl.

Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Sure but, did I mention back in the day

I was JV tether ball champion, junior high.

Two years in a row.

Yes. Yeah.

Many times, and I don't even know what that is.

What it's.

Hey there, little lady.

She's out.

My sister couldn't even show up?

She had to send two goons to do a Warrior's job?

You two come all this way to get your asses kicked?

You could pee now.

Yeah.

Did we win?

Nope.

Girls, take me with you.

Sorry, numb nuts.

Coming.

Why aren't you helping us?

Oh, you got it.

Here, want to try it, sci-fi chick?

Calm down.

They got away.

♪ You, you know who you are ♪

♪ You're a rising star ♪

♪ A reservoir of hope and goodness. ♪

Can I take your tray?

Can I take your soul?

Maybe.

Let me check with my manager.

I thought you were dead.

Just on the inside.

Hey, you know that little girl that was with Xanadu?

I think she lives in my neighborhood.

I see her riding her bike like all the time.

So she shouldn't be that hard to find.

And where's your pal, by the way?

It's her turn to pee.

No, no.

It's empty.

No it's not.

Check it out. Another sci-fi chick.

Let's go mess with her.

How you doing?

Doing?

Whoa.

Cool stick.

Our friend Xanadu has one just like it.

Xanadu?

She have a mane of ugly yellow hair.

Yes.

I like her hair.

It's kind of sassy and cool.

Silence.

Ooh, I like that, you remind me of my ex-girlfriend.

You remind me of my mom.

Gross.

Where is Xanadu now?

Who's asking?

I'm her sister, Raven.

Sister? Why didn't you say so?

Yeah.

I'll be happy to help you find her.

She'll probably be very happy to see you.

Very?

So what do they call you two, anyway?

I'm Dennis.

And Dewey.

Well, how do we find her?

I know a guy.

I think we follow her.

I'll follow her anywhere.

I bet you will.

They opened up the refrigerator

and the only thing in there was her head.

Whoa.

Lights out, Rubio.

I wanna read just one more story.

Deal. Goodnight.

Okay, another story, Mr. Cuddlebumps.

Nancy was a girl that lived in constant fear.

Ooh.

Every night a hideous creature

would come out from under her bed.

Sorry bro.

Oh.

Outta my way.

I stomped bugs twice your size back home.

Is that right?

That's right, I'm gonna stomp you too.

Any last words?

Eat shit, Frankenhooker.

Get up, sunshine.

Slowly.

Ruby!

Hey.

Any last words?

She's gonna hit me, right?

Not the nose.

Oh no, Daddio.

Dad, Dad.

Steven.

Ruby.

Did you find my dad?

No, they must have him.

Do you think they'll hurt him?

No, he'll be fine.

I promise.

Let's cut his balls off.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nothing with balls, please.

Gouge out an eye, maybe.

No eye stuff, okay?

I kind of think I should get a little bit of a say here,

and I was thinking something equally evil,

but not quite in the realm of balls or eyes per se.

And I see what you're going for here.

They're both round full circle.

Well, what do you suggest?

Well, I am, keep this between us.

I be ticklish.

I also hate it when people text in movie theaters.

I mean, you never see a movie, you know,

put the freaking cell phone away already, am I right?

Pull his arms off.

Arms?

Mm-hm.

Plural.

I don't think you've taken into account,

I took two semesters of yoga at the Y,

the YMCA, and I can twist and contort my body

to escape any kind of rope related

bullshit like this.

Those are good knots.

Okay, wait, wait.

I have other skills.

I can be useful.

I can entertain y'all for for hours

with ripping yarns and exciting tales of excitement.

Did I mention ripping yarns.

Ripping arms?

Yarns, yarns, god dammit, yarns.

A story.

By all means, entertain us with your tales

of stories and ripping yarns.

There once was a stripper named Alexis.

Uh uh.

Whose poops were as big as a Lexus.

Gag him.

What? Wait, wait, wait.

I was thinking pizza. Who's in?

Hmm?

I'm in.

Shut up Monica.

You shut up.

Sorry.

So we're gonna do like a thin crispy type thing

or a deep dish, which is way more filling.

Man, do you ever stop talking?

Who me?

Yeah.

Yes, yeah, sure, there are.

Oh my God, look over there!

It's a baby, a fire.

Can't believe you fell for that.

Me?

You looked, too.

Well, yeah.

Only because there was a slight chance

there might have actually been a baby on fire.

Like I'm not gonna miss that shit.

Everybody, just shut it.

Tomorrow we do a trade, Xanadu for the moron.

Who's the moron?

Oh.

Now shut up and just behave yourself.

Don't try anything funny.

Not a lot of funny bones in this room.

It shouldn't be a problem.

Oh, just gouge something out already.

Wait, wait.

A good trade usually involves no harm

coming to the traded object.

As stated. Heard that book that said that.

Well this shouldn't hurt a bit.

Me next. Me next.

Jesus, Monica.

I do all my best planning with ice cream.

Don't they have ice cream in the future?

What?

We need to find my dad. He's the only one I got.

What we're dealing with is very powerful.

I don't know if I can handle it on my own.

I have an idea, but we need someone to deliver a message.

You know a guy, don't you?

It's so good.

Holy shit.

Swear jar.

I don't have any money.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

You can't get super jacked and save the world

hugging a couch.

Sucking down mac and cheese,

looking like a rickety pile, junked in.

Crap, Dad.

Is that a hawk?

Some people call that a hawk.

Most people call that a helicopter.

Hey man, why I always gotta be the sidekick?

Oh, that's easy, 'cause I graduated from UCLA,

and you failed out of Chuck E Cheese University.

Oh man.

Pizza is hard.

Yeah, but pizza shouldn't be hard, just warm.

Oh, we Doctor Pizza? Is that your name?

No, I think I'm a chiropractor.

Damn, look who it is.

Rubio.

Let me get some of that.

Nailed it.

Transaction completed.

So,

what's all this?

This is my friend, Xanadu.

She's from the future.

Oh.

The future you say?

Well allow myself to introduce myself.

My name's Jack, Crackerjack,

somewhat suspicious,

always conspicuous and magically delicious.

And this here's my second in command, Hot Tubs.

Yo.

What did you need? Can I get you some Pixy Stix?

Otter Pops, Dokken tickets?

We have a job for you.

Yeah, we don't really do jobs.

We're more like free agents and shit.

Like I have a best friend.

His name is Lance Freelance.

I thought I was your best friend.

Anyway.

What if I told you this job might just save the world?

Sound like a lot of work.

Yeah, it do, do sound like a lot of work.

How about six bucks?

Well, now you have my attention.

Let me get my cut.

Okay, one of six.

- There you go. - Thank you very much.

Don't spend that all in one place.

Let me get one of them Dokken tickets.

You just spent it all in one place.

The fuck are you wearing.

David Duchovny collection.

Hello female ladies.

We hear you're looking for a girl, a particular girl?

Where is she?

Well, I'm so happy you asked.

Here's a map, so you have that.

Some snacks?

No, no, no.

This is mine.

Okay, well business concluded, let's hug it out.

All right then.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Personal space.

Okay.

Well.

Hey, hello.

Oh, hello bondage.

I like your style.

Yeah.

Little help, please?

Mm,

- we would. - Mm-hm.

But we don't want to.

And we've got someplace to be.

We've gotta.

Violin practice.

Oh, classy.

Oh, if you guys are all thinking about

leaving anytime soon.

There's a baby on fire outside,

so traffic's gonna be a bitch.

Untie him.

What about me?

Shut up Monica.

God.

Well.

Cold in here, isn't it?

You know, I'm sorry I had to make those guys wait outside,

but there's enough testosterone in here as it is, right?

You know, you don't look much like you did in the brochure,

but Radical likey, eh?

Shut up.

I require information.

Feisty.

I like it. I like it.

That was in the brochure.

You know, you actually remind me a lot of Dewey's mom.

What?

Rule number one.

Don't touch any of my stuff.

Anymore rules?

Yes.

My safe word is Dewey's Mom, let's proceed.

Boo boo boo boop boop boo boo.

Jazz.

I think I found something that could help you.

What the hell is that?

That is.

We should have opened up our own restaurant.

You don't know how to cook.

Oh, you're a racist.

Dokken tickets.

- Yes. - Yes.

I was told you could find my sister.

Xanadu?

Bingo.

Are you from the future?

Sure, I am.

Is everybody from the future now?

Sure seems like that, must be a convention.

This is for you.

No, no, no, first of all,

Xanadu and I are like besties, and she paid me $6 for this.

I don't think you guys can match it.

How about seven?

Oh, that's intriguing.

- I like this. - That's more than six.

Pay the man Dewey.

Oh yeah, man.

Ah, cough it up, Dew Dew.

All right, well transaction completed.

That's for you 'cause you don't have pockets.

Thanks, me buds.

See you later, Teen Witch.

I love that girl.

That was a good middle of the fence that she just fucked up.

Slow motion, nice.

Well, well, well, if it isn't little baby Xanadu.

Did you miss me?

Yeah, we did.

Good, Steven?

I'm good.

Bring it on!

It's time to call in the big guns.

Big guns?

What big guns?

Don't worry Daddio, I know a girl.

You know a girl?

Wait.

What girl?

Oh crap.

Too late.

I like your makeup.

Thanks.

Do you need a hug?

No.

She's out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you think you two are going?

To kick your ass.

Duh.

My ass?

Did we stutter?

Okay.

I will give you both a free shot.

Duh!

I'm waiting.

Duh duh duh.

Duuuuh.

Duh.

Wah.

What?

I got you.

Oh damn, Crackerjack.

I bet you'd be opening up all the chips.

I bet you could open up Tostitos, Doritos, Funyuns,

Wavy lays, Baked Lays, BBQs.

Just keep naming chips.

Oh don't mind if I do, Crunch-Os

Munch-Os, Eat-Os, Teet-Os.

None of those are chips.

Crunch Lords.

Crunch Lords is not a chip.

Oh shit, Crunch Lords.

Whoa.

That was awesome.

Who's hungry?

Me.

Do you have your attention now?

How'd you find us?

I think you call them Dewey and Dennis?

Double dip shits.

I guess you're here to take me back.

Take you back?

No,

send you back, yes.

See, I think I'm gonna rule here for a little while.

My powers shouldn't be that hard,

especially considering how weak and puny these people are.

I don't think they'll put up much of a fight, do you?

Weak and puny, I guess you haven't met Ruby and Becky.

No,

but I'd love to say hi.

Do something.

No!

Now you're just a boring, squawking,

run of the mill bully.

You know what the first rule of dealing with bullies is?

Rip their heads off and throw their bodies

into the pit of eternal fire?

No,

it's.

Communication.

But I'm your sister.

Half sister.

Hi five.

We are very much alike, you and I.

I hope I see you again one day, my little Ruby.

What do you mean?

Well, as much fun as we've had, as cool as you are,

I've gotta get back to my time,

and make sure Raven doesn't destroy everything back home.

Will I ever see you again?

What do you think?

I think so, too.

In the meantime, keep me here and here,

and I'll do the same.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too

So you don't forget.

Chicks for Life.

Chicks for life.

Hey, you know why I like the name Ruby so much.

Why?

It was my grandmother's name.

So Chili's?

Chili's!

♪ It's that time again ♪

♪ When I feel the need to speak up ♪

♪ And say what's on my mind ♪

♪ One step further down ♪

♪ You pushed it further ♪

♪ Than I thought that I could ever bend ♪

♪ I will not break, I will not let it show ♪

♪ As I find my turn ♪

♪ I think of all the things I should have said ♪

♪ I'm too tired of all these thoughts ♪

♪ Of your opinions trap my head ♪

♪ They never want you to know if that's ♪

Look around, they left without us.

Man, how are we gonna get jobs?

Oh.

♪ No matter how I try ♪

♪ This sickening feeling won't subside ♪

♪ I lie here and wonder why ♪

♪ When I close my eyes ♪

♪ It's fun to see through all those lies ♪

♪ You told to get you there ♪

Yo?

Yeah?

I ordered a hamburger, and clearly this is a cheeseburger.

Now better.

Can I see your manager please?

Sure.

You again, learn to like cheese, pal.

♪ Wandering the waste, I am losing my mind ♪

♪ You won't believe what I've been through ♪

♪ In power and fire, I'll fight for what's right ♪

♪ It's up to me. It's up to you ♪

♪ In all of your passion, in all of your pain ♪

♪ Can't stop me from riding this butt-kicking train ♪

♪ Insane ♪

♪ Hell ♪

♪ Fire ♪

♪ Insane, hell ♪

♪ Fire ♪

♪ This stave in my hand is a lightning machine ♪

♪ The battle rages on and on ♪

♪ No room now for mercy, it's time we get mean ♪

♪ This is the dark before the dawn ♪

♪ Come take my hand, I will show you the way ♪

♪ Together we rise, there are dragons to slay ♪

♪ All day ♪

♪ Hell ♪

♪ Fire, all day ♪

♪ Hell ♪

♪ Fire ♪

♪ All day ♪

♪ Hell ♪

♪ Fire ♪

♪ All day, hell ♪

♪ Fire ♪

♪ Xanadu Hellfire ♪

♪ Face to face, by my design ♪

♪ I am a woman with a one-track mind ♪

♪ To see my enemies on their knees ♪

♪ Queen of the Future is my destiny ♪

♪ This is my manifest destiny ♪

♪ This is my manifest destiny ♪

♪ This is my manifest ♪

♪ This is my manifest ♪

♪ This is my manifest destiny ♪

♪ How can you rise when there's blood in your eyes ♪

♪ When you've been beaten black and blue ♪

♪ There's only one thing that can lessen the sting ♪

♪ I'll pass the magic on to you ♪

♪ Fire and thunder have taken control ♪

♪ There's death in my heart and there's war in my soul ♪

♪ Hell ♪

♪ Fire, there's war in my soul, hell ♪

♪ Fire, there's war in my soul, hell ♪

♪ Fire, there's war in my soul, hell ♪

♪ Fire, there's war in my soul, hell ♪

♪ Fire, there's war in my soul, hell ♪

♪ Fire ♪

Uh,

hello.

Goodbye.

Shit, Coach McCoy don't get paid enough for this.