Original subtitles

There.

I'm really sorry.

I hope...

you'll be reincarnated as something better than a bird.

See you.

Come on.

It's not the chalet I saw.

Of course it is.

I don't recognize it.

I didn't change it. Think I'm stupid?

Come see. It's a killer!

Here.

Poor darling, didn't you sleep in the chopper?

Oh, shit.

The pilot asked me to leave a comment on his profile.

I forgot.

Really?

Since when do pilots ask for that?

He was really nice. I promised.

Will you do it?

Sure.

No problem. What should I put?

Really nice pilot? Pleasant pilot?

I don't care. Something positive.

OK, I'll deal with it.

It's the wrong yogurt.

It tastes weird.

Really?

You got the wrong brand.

Well, I'm sorry. I'll be more careful next time.

I'll eat it 'cause I'm hungry, but it's not right.

What's this?

It came yesterday.

It's for the chainsaw video.

- We can throw it away. - No.

Not bad. We'll keep it.

Do you still need me tonight?

You may go.

But is it OK?

Do you like this place?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

I'll let you eat in peace.

Get some rest.

So, you're resting?

No, she is.

I'm not on vacation.

I have lots to deal with. I have to answer everyone.

It's hell.

Do you think I'm here to chill?

You could have done all that at home.

No...

You know what it's like.

I have to be here to see things with her

each and every day.

I have to motivate her. She says she wants to quit.

So?

If she wants to quit, let her.

What do I do?

Become unemployed? Great!

Well, you could find something else.

It's been 10 years. Aren't you sick of it?

Sick of earning so much? No, sorry.

We do nothing. You're always with her.

Magalie wants this, wants that, isn't happy.

Magalie, Magalie... I'm fucking sick of it!

You see her more than your own kids.

Do you realize that?

Are you listening?

Something weird. Call you back.

Now what?

A work email I gotta reply to.

I'll call you back, honey.

Bye.

Mag, are you sleeping?

Have you lost your mind?

Sorry, it's important.

I don't care!

You don't come in and whisper things.

Are you insane?

Mag, I promise it's bad.

Get out of my room.

OK, sorry.

Shit!

Does the name Herzog mean anything to you?

Patrick,

just spit it out. Don't play stupid games!

Who's Herzog?

Dimitri Herzog, crane guy.

He screwed up. The fool told his sister.

His sister?

He has a sister.

- Said what? - Everything.

Everything.

She's trying to contact you.

She messaged me last night.

And she's a journalist.

Are you starting to get it?

What does it matter he told his sister?

Read it.

It's full of typos.

Who cares? You do them, too.

Look, read it to the end.

It's blackmail.

No kidding!

Is that all?

She doesn't want money. So, what does the slut want?

That's the problem. I don't know what she wants.

Did you call her before bugging me?

She won't tell me a thing. She'll only talk to you.

No. Fuck that.

Hello, Simone. It's Magalie.

You sent an email to Mr Balandras, my PA,

about the piano accident.

I didn't understand everything due to the syntax errors,

but I'm available to talk about it with you.

I'm currently in the mountains

in my new home for an indeterminate period.

You can call me back on this number if you wish.

Talk to you soon, I hope, Mrs Simone. Goodbye.

Fuckin' slut!

You know what?

You may be right about the mistakes.

- Why? - Maybe she meant the opposite.

Maybe she just wants money.

- She can shove it up her ass. - No, no. This is serious.

We risk life imprisonment, remember that!

Life imprisonment. It's serious shit!

OK, I'm going back to bed.

Don't you get it? How are you so calm?

What if she calls when you're asleep?

I'll call her back.

Relax. We'll handle it, OK?

Take a tablet, you're stressed out!

SIMONE HERZOG JOURNALIST

PRESS 2023

They ask where their dad is, but otherwise OK.

Can't you tell them I'm away for work?

To buy them their shitty clothes and food.

They'll think I'm a jerk who's abandoned his family.

They know you're a jerk, Patrick.

Great joke. Thanks!

No, they're fine. Relax.

Mathieu was thrown out of his pony club.

Otherwise, OK.

Good. You know what I think.

Ponies aren't for boys. Sorry!

Hey...

- Look who's here. - Hi.

Shit! I didn't realize you had a big neck brace.

How horrible, hon.

It's nothing. I'll survive, don't worry.

She's robust, you know.

- The chalet is crazy. You pleased? - Yeah.

I haven't really gotten used to it.

I could get used to it pretty fast!

How big is it? At least 300 square meters?

We got something urgent to do, hon.

So, I have to borrow your man and hang up.

Let's finish our conversation...

OK, it's 500 square meters.

Bye.

Patrick, I know what she wants.

That was rude!

You can call her back. Listen.

I've thought about it and I know what she wants.

Wanna know?

- She wants money. It's simple. - No!

She wants to sleep with me.

Sorry?

I saw photos of her online. She's one ugly cow!

She's just a poor fan who wants a relationship with me.

You hung up on my wife to tell me something so dumb?

I read her message. It's a meaningless string of words.

She's bound to be a psychopath.

Your reasoning is: She writes badly,

so she wants to sleep with you?

Yes.

Look, she wants money.

You're loaded. She wants paying off.

- You call her again? - No.

What is it?

- What is it? - I don't know.

She's there! Look, it's her!

See, it is her! I'm not stupid.

- Why's she here? - How should I know?

Open up! Open up!

- For two minutes! - Can we talk?

- Open up. - Please!

- Five minutes! - Let's talk.

Open up for two minutes.

Who are those morons?

The big one followed me earlier.

He recognized me and followed me.

Crazy not to wear a hood!

Don't tell me I'm crazy!

You go looking for trouble.

What do you want?

How dare you?

Scram before I beat you up!

It's private property!

We can do what we like. Who are you?

- Jerk! - Look at him!

Think that's funny?

You little fuckers!

What?

'Evening.

Is it you, Simone?

Yes.

And?

Well, I...

What do you want?

It's not easy. I feel intimidated.

I'm sorry.

Should I call you later?

It's nothing. It's my dog.

My dog just came into the room. Go ahead.

- I'm listening. - OK.

First of all, I've never blackmailed anyone before.

It's the first time.

I'm a very honest person. And I must admit

I'm pretty uncomfortable in this situation.

Poor thing!

You're uncomfortable with blackmail?

Are you shitting me?

No, I'm sincere. I understand you're being defensive,

but you'll soon see that I mean well.

It's very light blackmail.

Very positive...

Look, cut the crap

with positive blackmail and fake explanations.

So, what do you want?

Magalie, you don't want the public or the media to find out

what really happened the day of the piano accident.

Right?

Right! That's why I gave 500 grand to your dumb brother:

to shut him up.

Yes, I know.

I'm sorry, my brother is extremely fragile.

The accident traumatized him

and he was unable to keep this secret to himself,

so he needed to confide in me.

But I promise he didn't speak to anyone else.

My brother has no intention of harming you.

He's extremely grateful for all the money you gave him.

It has truly changed his life.

Because he had big financial and personal issues...

I don't care about your retard brother!

So, spit it out. What do you want?

Sorry, I'm intimidated.

Listen, Simone, I'll save us both time.

I know what you want.

You want to meet me?

Yes, that's true.

I knew it!

I felt it. I'm a genius.

You want to meet me because you want to sleep with me.

Sorry?

I know I'm desirable,

that girls like me. It's not a problem.

I'm used to being in demand.

I know I'm fuckable.

You want to meet me because you want a relationship with me.

No. Sorry if I let you think that.

You're very pretty. Don't get me wrong, but that's not it.

I do want to meet you, but it's for something else.

Are you there?

I'm listening.

I know you've always refused to be in the media,

you've never given an interview to anyone in your life.

I want to be the first to interview you.

I've been doing this for 25 years, so I'm a real professional.

And I promise I won't mention your accident in my article, of course.

Here's what we'll do. It'll be much simpler.

Give me your bank details.

I'll do a nice juicy transfer, like I did to your brother.

So you shut your mouth and forget me forever, OK?

I didn't contact you on an impulse, Magalie.

I thought about it carefully. I won't go back on it.

Either I do this interview or I call the police.

I'm sorry.

Fuck...

I won't change my mind.

OK, you win!

You're a witch.

Here's my assistant. He'll set up an appointment.

Patrick Balandras speaking.

I opened your email.

You got the first interview with Megajugs. Congratulations!

Are you ready?

Can we start?

Thank you for accepting.

I know you're making a considerable effort.

So, I really thank you.

I'm very moved.

And very honored.

I know you're mad at me, but I wanted to tell you.

There.

It's recording.

Let's start at the beginning.

In the right order.

So, Magalie, you were born on March 12, 1989

with an extremely rare disease

known as... congenital insensitivity to pain.

I was born with a congenital insensitivity to pain.

Everyone already knows that. I've never hidden it.

Not everyone knows what it is.

Could you tell me more? I'm interested.

It's like being blind.

But instead of not seeing,

you don't feel physical pain.

I can't explain it any other way.

For a more precise definition, ask a specialist.

No, that's very clear. Thank you. It's nicely put.

Something else people may not know is that the day you were born,

March 12, 1989

is also the date

when the internet was first made accessible to the general public.

Did you know you were born on the same day as the internet?

Incredible! I thought you knew.

Maybe I'll teach you things about yourself.

Impossible.

Alright.

What does this new information mean to you?

Tell me.

The internet is a computing tool.

I'm a human being.

I don't see the link.

You were born the same day as the tool that made you a star.

Isn't that incredible?

Why do you have such an unbearable way of speaking?

- Pardon me? - "Isn't that incredible?"

Where the hell does it come from?

You live in a castle?

No, I don't live in a castle.

You talk like a duchess, but you can't write an email.

I dictate messages to save time.

It's not interesting to talk about me.

No, it's not interesting at all.

Look,

doing this interview is a real pain,

and with the way you talk,

it feels like an exam in school.

I don't know if I can keep going.

It's so irritating. How much longer will it last?

I don't know. Two hours maybe.

Two hours...

Are you nuts or what?

What'll we say for two hours?

Magalie, you can let your guard down. I'm not here to bother you.

I just want to talk and do a portrait of you. I mean you no harm.

I'm sympathetic. I won't hurt you.

Sympathetic, but a blackmailer.

Don't forget that.

Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. Just a sec.

Can you come see me?

- What? - Come on.

What're you doing?

She's got us by the balls!

Stop being a jerk. Just play the game!

Play what game? I came. Aren't I playing the game?

Gotta be much more accommodating. You're off to a bad start.

You hear how she speaks?

I wanna poke the slut's eyes out!

Who cares how she speaks?

You're playing with fire. Think about prison!

Just get a grip!

I'll get a grip.

Please do. Thanks.

My assistant has kindly offered to get us something to eat.

Want anything in particular?

No, thanks. I don't need anything.

OK. Just me, then.

Same as usual, sweetie, you're so kind.

But hurry up, I'm famished.

OK, let's go, I'm ready.

I'll play the game.

I'm ready.

Go on.

Is there a problem?

No problem, Simone.

I'm delighted to do this interview. I find the way you talk is...

very exotic.

You don't have to...

I do have to.

Let's go.

OK, I'll continue.

So, Magalie,

you were born on the same day as the tool that made you a star.

Yeah.

So, how did you discover this tool?

It happened when I was...

14.

Yes, 14, that's right.

That's a real question, so could you say a bit more?

I was about to.

I need time to remember.

Sorry, I'm in a hurry to know more.

I'll be quiet.

Go on.

Dad and I were in the lounge,

watching TV and waiting for Mom to come home.

We'd just watched a crappy western.

We zapped onto several cable channels

and found a show for adults.

We watched it.

SELF DEFENSE

I'm Johnny Knoxville, United States of America

and I'll be doing a little article on self defense equipment.

I'm going to start off by

spraying myself with red pepper spray.

It's the highest concentration you can get.

Followed by a 120,000 volt

stun gun.

And then I'll be getting shot with a...

Taser gun. 50,000 volts for roughly around 30 seconds.

Hit me!

Oh my God!

Fucking hell!

TEST TWO: STUN GUN

Charge!

Fuck!

I didn't understand what I was watching.

I remember feeling

terribly frustrated by this show.

I was jealous of these guys.

Very jealous.

Hi! I'm Magalie Moreau.

Today, I'm testing the car battery.

Dad!

The next day,

my parents lectured me for ages.

I got yelled at so bad.

And of course, I got punished.

A bit later, Dad was in front of his computer.

Hi! I'm Magalie Moreau. I'm testing the car battery.

He sent my video to all his colleagues for a laugh.

MY DAUGHTER'S AN ELECTRICIAN

It took off all by itself.

My dad's colleagues started

to email it to other people,

like a joke.

It spread like wildfire.

It soon became an online sensation.

The video went everywhere.

We even made the evening news.

Everyone found it funny.

There was hardly anything online at the time.

It's not like nowadays.

It was the early days.

I was ahead of my time, so to speak.

There you are.

People recognized me in the street.

I became a sort of freak show at school.

Incredible.

It's weird to tell you all this because...

I usually keep it in my head.

But I never think about it. 'Cause it bores me.

They're just bad memories.

Before we resume the timeline...

I'd like to clear up something that intrigues me.

I hope it's not too indiscreet.

I wonder...

We never see you without your braces.

So?

Is it a tribute to that first video or is there another reason?

I have a very serious gum malformation.

I have to wear it for life.

Without it, I'd lose my teeth in two weeks.

I'm so sorry.

Joke!

It's just a look.

At first, it was to be recognized.

And then...

it was like a stage outfit.

Something easy to identify,

so people said, "It's the video girl with the braces."

I didn't think you needed braces.

You have perfect teeth.

Yeah, thanks.

You have a very pretty smile, but rarely show it.

Don't tell me you organized all this

just to hit on me, which was my first thought.

Oh, no, it's a mere observation.

There.

Thanks.

Alright? Everything to your satisfaction?

She's starting to open up. It's fascinating. Thank you.

Well, I'll let you work. I'll be right there.

"She's starting to open up."

You make me sound like I'm a mussel.

No, it's an expression.

I know you're not a mussel. I wouldn't dare say that.

I know it's an expression.

And I know I'm not a mussel.

But thanks for explaining it, teacher!

Do you want to stop for lunch?

No, I'm not hungry.

Let's get this over with.

Very well. So...

So, people start to recognize you thanks to this video.

You're 14.

What happens then?

"What happens then?"

I started to do more videos, of course.

Hi, I'm Magalie Moreau.

Today, I'm testing the hammer.

Hi, I'm Magalie Moreau.

Today, I'm testing the ice pick.

Hi, I'm Magalie Moreau.

Today, I'm testing boiling water.

I kept it secret for ages.

Magalie, what are you doing?

What's going on?

Nothing.

I'd tell my parents I was clumsy to justify my wounds.

Hi.

Hey there.

Why don't you come out now? Is it your illness?

No.

Why, then?

I'm doing things on my own.

My parents say you're crazy.

Sorry to bother you.

We really are.

I'm a big fan. I know all your videos. My kid brother, too.

We just want a photo.

A photo each!

Yeah. It'll only take a few seconds.

Then, we're gone.

No, she's calling that guy.

Don't call your bodyguard. We're nice.

- Patrick... - What?

We just want a photo.

I'm on a break. Don't shout.

There's those creeps.

What's your problem?

She's convalescing. She needs to rest.

Leave her alone. Show some respect!

Shut your mouth!

We just want a photo!

We're doin' no harm!

You're pissing her off.

Her fault, she's famous!

Shut up!

Stop throwing yogurt at us. It's a waste.

Hi, I'm Magalie Moreau.

Today, I'm testing the sewing machine.

What did you do

with all those videos?

Did you watch them or did you just enjoy making them?

I put them in a shoe box.

Once I'd filmed a scene,

it no longer interested me.

It's like what I film these days.

It has no value.

That's questionable.

You've literally built an empire.

I meant the sentimental value.

What about the monetary value?

I was just getting to it.

How did professionalization come about?

How did you get to the next level?

Professionalization?

How can you use such damn boring words?

Well, how did you go from a secretive little girl

who put her videos in a shoe box

to the rich and famous young woman you are today?

Now listen, duchess.

This is starting to bug me.

At 16, I became a young adult.

An uncle gave me a smartphone for Christmas,

with an internet connection.

I joined all the forums and social media.

I invented a great alias, Megajugs.

No need to explain why.

Great!

And from then on, I started doing lots of videos.

You know the rest.

Thirty views, 500 views, 100 million views...

Algorithms, monetization, sponsors,

all that shit...

And I started earning a lot more money than my parents.

So, they kicked me out

'cause I was insolent.

I moved into a house that was much bigger than theirs.

And I started making videos all day long.

There.

I think I've told you everything.

We can stop there. OK? Are you happy now?

No. We can't stop now. This is when it becomes interesting.

What?

You should break for lunch now.

As you wish...

It's OK with me.

It's funny...

I always thought journalists were old and ugly...

She's not bad, is she?

She's gross.

A witch!

Everyone will read her article.

That slut will be famous 'cause of me.

Makes me wanna puke.

Enough already.

Hi, it's Megajugs.

Today, I'm testing the baseball bat at high speed, my sweeties.

OK...

OK. Subscribe. Bye.

It's Megajugs.

Today, I'm testing the monster truck.

OK, let's go.

OK...

Don't forget to subscribe. Love ya, bye.

It's Megajugs.

I'm testing the washing machine.

Go on.

There.

Don't forget to subscribe. Love ya, bye.

WE'RE WITH YOU HURTS SO GOOD

The new video is out at midnight. Watch it.

One thing intrigues me, Magalie.

You achieved an incredible lifestyle

thanks to the success of your videos.

You own properties all over the world.

Some even say you bought a private island in Polynesia when you turned 25.

I don't know if it's true.

What I'd like to understand

is why you carried on mutilating yourself. You didn't need to.

Is it just a basic addiction to money

or is it for a more personal reason?

No. It never occurred to me I might stop, that's all.

According to the online statistics,

you've posted

over 2,000 videos.

That's incredible.

Is that true?

I don't know.

I didn't count them.

My videos last 10 seconds.

So, if your statistics are correct, that makes...

20,000 seconds.

In 15 years, it's not...

It's not that much.

Yes, if you put it like that.

But the amount of videos says something else.

I can't help thinking of your body.

What? You're thinking of my body?

You hurt yourself over 2,000 times on camera,

sometimes seriously,

just to make content for social media.

So?

Did you never feel tired of it all?

Mailmen deliver mail every day.

Hi, it's Megajugs. Today, my sweeties, I'm testing fire.

OK, let's go.

All jobs are repetitive.

True, but you could've questioned your motives.

Did you never wonder about the usefulness...

Forgive me, the relative usefulness of this activity?

- Think your job is more useful? - No.

I have doubts every day.

Will people read my articles?

Am I offering society something truly beneficial?

But I have to pay my rent every month.

And I'm helping my mother who is very sick.

So, I have to work whereas you...

My poor darling!

Life's tough, huh?

It's not the same for you, is it?

We're here to talk about you, not me.

No-one cares about me.

That's true.

Why do you go on mistreating your body?

You've been free not to do it for so long.

Does your sick mother know

you're blackmailing an artist to boost your career?

Did you tell her?

That's very interesting.

You consider yourself an artist.

Let me concentrate on that.

Is it for the love of art that you keep mutilating yourself?

I use the word "artist" only because my activity requires no effort at all.

So, why do you carry on?

It's not mutilation. My body's fine.

It repairs itself naturally.

Answer my question.

"Answer my question."

Why do you carry on since you don't need any more money?

"Answer my question."

I've had enough.

You could stop now...

and live normally. Why do you carry on?

I'd like to understand. Tell me.

Maybe it's because I hate myself.

And I want to kill myself.

That'd be a great headline.

People will click!

I won't do that kind of thing.

I'm fine.

I love myself.

I've seen a shrink for three years. I'm good as fuckin' new!

Sorry, you're too late. Nothing to dig up here!

What are you even looking for?

It's a philosophical question.

What drives you?

That's what my readers are interested in.

The readers don't care.

I don't agree.

Do you know our society?

They'll read your article on the john. They'll have forgotten when they flush.

You don't need any more money. Why do you carry on?

Stop asking the same question.

I spent 12 hours on a train to see you. I want to find some substance.

You could have avoided a journey.

And made a shit ton of money.

Instead of repeating that question!

I think it's a fundamental question. Magalie, try to answer it.

Why do you carry on?

What makes you think I'll carry on?

Even if you stopped tomorrow,

why did you make all those videos all those years?

Tell me that, then I'll leave you alone, I promise.

What if there was no reason?

There must be a reason. There always is.

No, Little Miss Rational, sometimes there isn't.

Did you know the universe is mainly made up of emptiness?

No reason for that.

I have lots of examples like that.

Why do you resist?

Why won't you confide in me? Is it so hard?

Yes, it is. I keep telling you, but you don't listen.

I've rarely had such a fuckin' boring time.

Pity you can't get over it.

You could use this to your advantage instead of enduring it.

Maybe my question scares you as you won't look reality in the face.

I'm not scared one bit.

Your question sucks. You and your job suck.

Your questions suck. Your face sucks.

Your sick mother sucks.

You should leave her to die on her hospital bed.

Go fuck yourself... sideways!

Is that clear enough for you?

OK.

Now I know why I never do interviews. 'Cause it's unbearable.

No, you're unbearable, Magalie.

Keep your chin up.

At least I tried.

I answered all your questions bar one.

We're quits.

No, we're not.

You didn't play the game. Your loss.

Get lost, you witch!

What?

Don't you start lecturing me, too.

Any idiot could do it. You just answer her dumb questions.

Why is it so complicated? Why are you so complicated?

I don't want to talk about myself for ages

or search the depths of my rotten soul

to understand things I don't want to. It bugs me.

OK. Well, great. It bugs you.

I don't know why I do what I do.

I don't know

and I don't care!

- You'd rather go to jail? - Yeah!

I don't give a flying fuck! Let's go.

How does it open, you fat pig?

I never should've said yes.

You were scared

of that slut's threats.

Screw her and her sick mother!

Wait, did you think about me? You're not alone in this!

Everything pisses me off.

What am I even doing here?

I don't care. I'll go to jail.

Are you listening? Have you thought about me?

You'll go to jail, too. You'll come with me. You deserve it!

At least call her and apologize.

Just text her, "Sorry, I messed up.

"Can we meet up again?"

Be nice, make up for it.

I do what I like, OK?

I decide.

And now I want to be alone in my chalet.

- Sorry? - Yes.

So, give me the keys.

Go on, have them.

I warn you,

you better put things right!

- There. - Thanks.

THE PIANO ACCIDENT

It's out of tune.

OK? Can we do it?

Yeah, OK.

OK!

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

The first-aiders won't be here for about an hour.

An hour?

Sorry. They're useless.

Well, I'm not waiting an hour.

We have to, for the insurance.

I'm not waiting in this shithole.

I'll pay if there's a problem. I'm not waiting.

That's about six meters.

That's good, right?

I don't know.

No, it's not high enough.

You can't see the danger, it looks fake. Higher.

Up to you.

Go on, higher.

Hang on, don't move.

Not that. I hate that stuff.

- But you had... - It's a pain. Look.

- See? - Yeah.

Sorry, I won't do it again.

I'm not a doll.

It's just that your hair's sticking up.

Well, I don't care.

Alright, sorry.

That's 10 meters. I won't go any higher.

I want it higher.

I'll talk to him.

Excuse me.

Could you raise the piano a bit higher?

Just a bit.

No, a gust of wind could damage my crane.

I can't risk it. That's the maximum. Sorry.

He won't.

That's it.

I don't want to damage my gear. I decide.

Take it or leave it.

I can buy you 50 new cranes. Don't worry.

Do as you're asked.

What difference does it make?

I want to film something sensational! That's not!

It'll break your legs, whatever the height.

I'm creating a movie here, you jerk!

What do you know?

Screw your movie...

Steven Spielberg!

I don't wanna damage my gear for you.

Who's Steven Spielberg?

He used to make movies, I think.

I won't go any higher.

If you don't like it, I'll go.

You win. I'll double your pay.

Entertain me! Impress me. Higher.

Yeah, right!

Take that! You think you can buy people?

'Course you can. Is that a problem?

Go fuck yourself.

I won't go higher.

How's that for an answer? Is it clear enough?

Who is this guy?

Shitty technician! You go fuck yourself!

Mag!

Did I film it?

We have a big problem.

Oh, shit! I didn't film it?

Wendy's dead.

Who's Wendy?

The hair stylist.

She's dead under the piano.

Oh...

I'm sorry. It's terrible.

Shit.

No, don't move. Stay as you are.

Patrick, how many times have I said I don't need a stylist?

You could've died.

It's a miracle you didn't.

We're in deep shit, Mag.

We didn't stick to the safety protocol.

It'll cost you a fortune.

I know what we'll do.

What?

Bury her.

We'll say she was never here.

It's that simple.

I'm not going to jail for a stylist, Patrick.

You won't. We'll say it was an accident.

Do you love me?

Of course...

So, let's bury her.

You bury her.

Look, this place is a desert.

No-one will find her, trust me.

Get rid of her body.

It's an order.

Do it.

But there's a witness.

That's nothing. I'll deal with him.

Mr Crane Guy!

Wanna make 500 grand without doing anything?

Yes?

I apologize, Simone,

for what just happened. I'm really sorry.

You're not. You don't know the meaning of the word.

I am...

I shouldn't have behaved like that.

You don't deserve such scorn.

I was horrible.

I could kick myself.

You're not rooted in reality. That's your problem.

You can't communicate any more.

It's not really your fault.

But it's a pity. We could have done something great.

We still can. I'll make an effort.

Too late.

I'm leaving early to look after my mother.

You should have tried earlier.

You went too far. I'm sorry.

I know you don't want to answer my questions.

You just want to save your ass.

No, all that made me

think very hard.

I even fired my PA.

He was terribly toxic.

He's the one...

who made me hide

the truth about the accident.

Your manipulation is pathetic.

I beg you!

I really need to talk.

Forgive me.

We could meet in my chalet.

I'm all alone.

Now you're the one who seems to want to sleep with me.

No! I promise you I don't. It's because...

it's quiet here.

I can pour my heart out. You'll do a great interview.

Cut it out. It's not working.

I know you despise me, deep down.

I don't want to, now. You're a horrible person.

You deserve what's coming to you. Leave me alone.

The bitch!

CHAINSAW 3 BILLION VIEWS

REMEMBER TO DO THE COMSHOPPY VIDEO

We could be an item.

Bullshit. You have a wedding ring.

Oh, my wife!

Forget it. I've had enough.

You only say that 'cause you're drunk.

Look at all this!

It's for you!

I pity you, but come on!

'Evening.

This is for a journalist friend who's here.

The nice journalist.

Yes.

Very nice, yes.

Should we take them up to her?

She's a close friend. I want to give them to her myself.

Got her room number?

Yes, it's... number 31.

That way.

- Thanks. - Have a good evening.

It's not mutilation. My body's fine.

It repairs itself naturally.

Answer my question.

"Answer my question."

So, I'm horrible? That's what you said.

I'm sorry.

Don't be. You're right

to think that. Say so. I'm horrible!

- No... - Yes!

Know what? So are you, you know?

The thing is,

that's just human nature.

We're all horrible human shits on this planet.

It's not my fault.

You're right.

Yes, I am right.

Say you're horrible.

I'm horrible.

- Do you mean it? - Yes.

- So, say it again. - I'm horrible. Horrible!

Good. So, now we'll play a game, OK?

I'm the journalist.

I'll ask a question, you have to answer.

But be very careful 'cause there's a trap.

- Ready? - Don't threaten me.

Shut up. I decide now.

So, Simone...

Which of us is the most horrible, do you think?

Please, don't hurt me.

Answer me.

Well...

Answer my question, Simone.

Answer my question.

See what a pain it is when you don't want to answer!

It is a pain, yes.

So, answer my question.

Which of us is the worst, do you think?

I don't know. I don't think...

Answer my question. It's the last 10 seconds of your life.

Try to shine a bit

and tell me which of us is the most horrible.

Me.

No.

Wrong answer, Simone.

I am. I tried to blackmail you, I took advantage...

Shut up!

Listen to me.

I'm the worst.

By a long way.

I assure you, you don't come anywhere close.

I'm a world-class piece of shit.

But at least I'm honest.

I don't pretend to be a good person.

I embrace all the horror inside me.

I roll in it all day long like a pig and I love it!

See?

Yes, but you should have said that earlier on.

It's an excellent answer to my last question.

You carry on making your videos

because you decided

to accept all the horror inside you.

That's very coherent. It's a great answer.

I don't care.

We can even resume the interview.

Wouldn't that be great?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

That would be great!

Good idea!

Should've thought of that sooner, before you die!

Hey, wait!

Sorry.

But I...

Excuse me.

I...

I never do this.

It's not my thing. I know it's crass, but...

I love your shtick.

I've followed you for ages. I'm a big fan.

Mind doing a photo with me?

How do you know it's me?

I recognized your amazing eyes and your voice, of course.

Oh, it's incredible to see you here!

May I?

Great, thanks! So nice!

I'll be quick.

Can you take off the hood?

So we see your braces.

Or my friends won't believe me. Sorry.

Super! Perfect!

You're so pretty. Unreal!

Thanks, that's great.

Wonderful!

Here goes...

1...

2...

I'm really sorry.

Sorry...

I'm stupid! Stupid, stupid...

What?

I've really screwed up!

I've screwed up big time!

I tried to fix the situation,

but I made it 1,000 times worse.

You gotta help me. So, go right now, you worm,

to the journalist's hotel

to see if there are any security cameras.

It's very important.

No, actually, I won't.

I'm done with your schemes.

Yeah, I buried Wendy.

Yeah, that's true, I did.

But that was your idea, see?

So, my sentence will be shorter than yours. I don't care

because anyway,

I'm not scared. I've covered you often enough.

Get off my fuckin' back! Leave me alone.

Who's Wendy?

Who is Wendy?

A hair stylist.

You buried a hair stylist?

Yeah, it wasn't my idea.

You forgot your boots. Do you want them?

Silly me.

- Yes, please. - OK, I'm coming.

- Here. - Thanks.

I'm sorry.

- Police, hello. - Yes, hello.

I just neutralized a bald 40-year-old man

who says he buried a hair stylist.

How's that?

Hang on... Yeah, that's good.

- Am I in it? - Yeah, go on.

Just you wait, we'll get on fine! You're gonna love me!

It's a crazy place, isn't it? Hang on.

Where are we?

Where?

Check out this chalet!

It's classy, huh?

It's crazy!

She's so fuckin' hot!

Looking at her makes my eyes burn.

Look at her tits.

Look at the size of 'em!

Seriously, look!

Fuckin' colossal!

It's 'cause it's a big photo.

I dunno... No!

I'm virtually in love.

Unreal.

Look. Even her braces are sexy.

No, they're gross.

Food gets stuck in them.

What do you know?

It's well-known.

Who gives a fuck? There's no food in 'em.

Kissing metal is gross!

Come here.

Thanks.

Hear that?

Fuck!

What's that?

Shit.

Shit!

Fuck, she's in a panic.

- Is she? - Yeah.

She's crying.

Poor thing.

Now what?

Wanna console her, fool? We wait.

You look so like Dad in the dark.

I never noticed before.

What?

You look like him.

I don't wanna look like that scumbag.

You can't help it.

So, stop looking at me!

What's she doing?

See her? What's she doing?

Stop asking questions!

Want me to hit you like Dad? Just shut your mouth!

Hi.

I'm Magalie Moreau.

Wow, she's doing a video.

- What? - I swear.

She's doing a video in front of us!

Hi.

I'm Magalie Moreau.

And today...

Are you sure?

She's filming herself. Look!

- Crazy! - You moron!

I saw your shitty scooter outside!

Think I'm stupid?

You've got 10 seconds to get out, OK?

Or I'll rip out your eyes and make you eat 'em!

I'm serious!

We're sorry, the door was open.

We weren't thinking.

We didn't steal anything.

- We just wanted to look around. - Yeah.

We're sorry. Forgive us.

You still won't do a photo with us?

Are you OK? You don't look well.

Let's just do the photo.

Great, thanks!

Thanks! Bye!

See ya!

Hi.

I'm Magalie Moreau. Today I'm testing

the hangman's rope.

This video is sponsored by ComShoppy.

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Bye.

MEGAJUGS A BLEEDING HEART

THE PIANO ACCIDENT