Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Heavy attention, please.

I'm happy to report that I just quit

smoking.

You said you would never do that again

as long as I was still alive.

Now, don't worry.

This time, I know I can do it.

You said that last time.

No, really.

This time, I'm serious.

I can make it.

You said that last time.

Hey, you know what?

You screw you guys.

You said that last time.

So what put you over the edge this

time?

We're all ears, especially Jake.

I nearly woke up the fact that as

a health care professional, it's insane for me

to go on smoking.

Price of cigarettes go up again?

Yeah, $4.50 a pack.

Hey, can I have some coffee around here?

Do I have to wait for the little

man on the donkey to ride in with

the beans?

Think about it, Jake.

He's already given up cigarettes.

If I can get him off coffee, we'll

never have to see him again.

He's never gonna quit smoking.

I am too.

Or not.

I am too.

Or not.

Oh, it's rare to find this level of

repartee.

It's like PBS.

Yeah, without the P.

Why aren't you back at my apartment fixing

my radiator?

I only asked you like, what, five times

now?

Becker, I'm a super.

If I fixed everything, I'd be out of

a job.

How about I light your hair on fire

and use you to heat my apartment?

Ooh, I'm shaking, like you'll be in about

an hour.

You heard from the coffee, Reg?

In a minute, Becker.

I need you to take my memory test.

What memory test?

I've been asking you for weeks and you

keep putting me off.

But my paper is due today.

Well, ask one of them to help.

They already have.

Besides, I need you.

Everyone else I know in your age bracket

is...

dead.

All right, how does this little game of

yours work?

It's not a little game.

It happens to be a major requirement for

my junior college degree.

My mistake.

I'm gonna read you ten words.

And I will check back with you periodically

to see what you remember.

Now listen carefully.

Hoof, rust, acid, elbow, egg, club, tree, bump,

foot, cat.

Yeah, I got ten words for you, Reg.

Give me my damn coffee or I'll torch

this place.

Take a look at this.

You can't even deal with the stress of

not having coffee.

Why don't you just light up now and

get it over with?

Jake, Jake, I am gonna quit smoking.

I'll tell you how confident I am.

Here, here, Margaret, take these.

I don't want those.

Oh, don't forget these.

Yeah, good.

Give those to Margaret, too.

No, I don't want those either.

I quit smoking twenty years ago.

Well, then throw them away.

Well, why don't you throw them away?

Because throwing away anything he's already paid for

would kill him faster than the cigarette.

Hey, yeah, Chuckles, you don't think I can

quit, do you?

I think I made that pretty clear.

Yeah, I'll bet you fifty bucks I never

smoke again.

I got a hundred bucks that says you

won't make it till six o'clock.

Yeah, you got yourself a bet, Jake.

I don't believe he can do it.

I don't believe it either.

I don't believe he's got a hundred bucks.

Linda, any messages?

Lots of them.

Would you like me to guess what they

are?

Cool.

Who do you think called?

A hamster asking for his brain back?

Okay, Margaret, I see you.

Hello.

Hello.

Yeah, in her own little subtle way there,

Margaret's trying to warn you that I may

be a little testy this morning, so I

just gave up cigarettes, but nothing to worry

about.

I'm fine.

That's great, Dr. Becker.

Oh, by the way, bring me Mrs. Goldsmith's

x-ray, will you?

No problem.

Okay, you know the drill.

Just stay out of his way.

Eventually his head will explode and he'll start

smoking again.

Now, you do have Mrs. Goldsmith's x-ray,

right?

You told me to x-ray her hand

yesterday, and that's exactly what I did.

I x-rayed her hand.

Good.

Damn!

Hello, Mrs. Goldsmith.

It's Linda from Dr. Becker's office.

Hi.

We're going to need you to come in

so we can x-ray your hand.

You say you were in yesterday and I

x-rayed your foot?

Oh, I'm sure I'd remember that.

Come in.

Are you smoking yet?

No, Margaret.

I'm a non-smoker.

Uh, you know what?

I'll just come back when you start again.

It'll be easier.

Hey, don't be silly.

Come on in here.

Tell me what you want to tell me.

Okay.

I have to leave early today.

And leave me alone with Linda?

Oh, no, no.

Not today, Margaret.

Not on the day I quit smoking.

You just said that you were fine.

Don't let the smile fool you.

I'm hanging by a thread here.

Look, you know that Lewis and I are

having problems.

Your marriage has been on the rocks for

months.

One more day is not going to kill

you, Margaret.

John, our travel agent called and said that

all the arrangements have been made for a

trip to Atlantic City.

Lewis must have planned a surprise for us,

you know, to make up.

Isn't that wonderful?

Today?

Today, yes.

Today.

It's all happening today.

And Mr. Williams is waiting for you in

room one.

Does Lewis know I'm trying to quit smoking?

Well, at least bring me a donut or

something.

I'm starving.

Mr. Williams, how's the diet going?

I'm going nuts.

All I think about is food.

It's everywhere I look.

You don't know what it's like to crave

something so badly and not be able to

have it.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I think I do, actually.

Look, Mr. Williams, food addiction is a very

real physiological condition.

But if you use your mind, you can

overcome it.

I got a condition for you.

I'm starving.

Next time you feel this way, I want

you to visualize a thinner, healthier you.

Now, close your eyes.

Let's just try it.

Come on.

Now, tell me what you see.

I see a standing rib roast and garlic

mashed potatoes.

Mr. Williams...

All right, all right.

I'll try and cut back.

But it's not easy.

I don't think I'd get through this if

it weren't for the smoking.

Do you have a standing rib roast with

garlic mashed potatoes?

I've got a standing pot of water with

some hot dogs floating in it.

All right, I'll take a turkey sandwich, french

fries, salad, and that cake.

You mean a piece of cake?

No, I mean the whole cake.

Well, it sounds like someone's going through a

little withdrawal.

Yeah, maybe a little, but it's all going

to be worth it when I get your

hundred bucks.

Oh, well, if you're so confident.

You want to make it 200?

Yeah, it's fine with me, pal.

It'll be like taking candy from a baby.

A very cranky, smoky baby.

Don't you ever work?

For your information, Marlboro man, I was just

on my way to the store to pick

up some parts for your clock radio.

There's nothing wrong with my clock radio.

Oh, about that.

You're going to laugh.

See, there I was fixing your radiator when

all of a sudden I became overwhelmed with

fatigue.

So I decided to take a little nap

in your bed.

My bed?

Yeah, your couch gives me a rash.

Anyway, all of a sudden I thought having

that dream, the one we all have, you

know, where you're making love to a woman

and her legs turn into a pair of

scissors.

You were in my bed?

Yeah, and I was just falling asleep when

all of a sudden I was rudely awakened

by the hissing radiator.

So I got spooked and I hurled your

clock radio at it.

If I found you in my bed, I

know I'd hurl.

Let's get specific here, shall we, Bob?

Were you on my bed or in my

bed?

Oh, I was under the covers.

It's freezing in there.

Your radiator's broken.

I know it's broken.

That's why I keep calling you.

Easy, filter tip.

I'll fix it.

Okay, Becker, before you leave, tell me what

words you remember.

Hoof, elbow, bump, rust, cat, fungus.

Fungus isn't on the list.

I know that.

I'm talking about my sandwich.

Don't get cute.

That's lettuce.

Let me make you another sandwich.

Hello, Dr. Becker.

Oh, God.

Hello, Mrs. Buccino.

Linda just told me you quit smoking.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

Anyway, remember the other day when I was

feeling ill?

Well, I was at home lying in bed

trying to remember what it was you told

me to do.

So I thought I'd come down and check.

Bed rest.

Get plenty of bed rest.

Oh, that's right.

Silly me.

I swear, if my head wasn't attached, I'd...

Well, I'm off.

Yes, you are.

I'm going to be back, having my lunch.

Oh, yeah, whatever happened to Mrs. Goldsmith's X

-ray?

Mrs. Goldsmith's X-ray.

Yes.

So, where is it?

Exactly where it should be.

Oh, okay.

Good, good, good, good, good.

Mrs. Goldsmith, so glad that you could come

in today.

You've changed your hair since I last saw

you.

I was just here yesterday.

Oh, no, dear.

I was here yesterday, and I can assure

you that you weren't.

Now, how about we get that X-ray?

Do you have any ketchup?

Um, you hate ketchup.

Oh, yeah, right.

Wait a minute.

No, I don't.

Why did you say I hate ketchup?

I don't hate ketchup.

Oh, ketchup.

I thought you said matchup.

Why did I say matchup?

I don't know.

You said it.

What's all that banging?

Don't worry.

I already called the plumber.

Well, what's the problem?

You do not want to know.

Why did you push me into the bathroom?

You asked to go in the bathroom.

No, I didn't.

Mrs. Goldsmith, there's no need to be embarrassed.

This is a doctor's office.

Now, how about we get that X-ray?

Well, it's this way, right?

No, dear.

It's this way.

Why put ketchup in a bottle if you

can't get it out?

Geez!

Weren't you just holding that door closed?

Weren't you just looking for the ketchup?

I already found it.

Then what's your problem?

Well, I, um...

You know, Dr. Becker, obviously you're really stressed

out about this not-smoking thing.

Why don't you go outside and get some

fresh air?

Yeah, right.

Boy, that's really good air.

Margaret?

What the hell are you doing?

Smoking.

But why?

You remember the surprise trip that Lewis and

I were supposed to be taking to Atlantic

City?

Well, there was a surprise, all right.

Lewis is going alone.

No, I mean, why are you smoking in

front of me?

I got 200 bucks riding on this.

I mean, are you trying to make this

impossible?

Don't you want me to quit?

Newsflash, it isn't always about you.

Huh?

John, I am talking about my marriage here.

Don't you have any compassion?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Look, Lewis is not the type to run

around with another woman, so put that right

out of your mind.

Thanks, John.

It wasn't in my mind until just now.

Really, boy, that'd be the first thing I'd

think of.

Um, Margaret, you know, this happens in all

marriages.

You know, Lewis just needs to blow off

a little smoke.

I mean steam, blow off a little steam.

You know, he'll have a few drinks, play

some cards, he'll be back before you know

it.

Now, you know, put that cigarette down.

Here, I'll take it.

You know, you are pathetic.

And this is disgusting.

I should have never come out here.

Oh, now, what did you, did you just

throw, oh, come on, Margaret.

Do you realize that there are kids in

third world countries who go to bed at

night without cigarettes?

Oh, God.

Thanks for coming in, Mrs. Goldsmith.

I'll have the doctor take a look at

this immediately.

Okay.

Perfect.

Hey, Margaret, I have Mrs. Goldsmith's.

Linda, why is the empty coffee pot still

on the burner?

It's gonna break.

We can't keep buying new coffee pots because

you forget to keep them filled.

I did not drop out of manicure school

to make coffee.

Now, Linda, don't make coffee now.

We have patients waiting.

Bring me Mr. Chen's file, will you?

Now, for God's sake, there's 200 bucks in

it if I make it through the day

without smoking.

So help me, will you?

Make coffee, don't make coffee.

God, don't they think I can do anything

right?

And bring me Mrs. Goldsmith's x-ray.

Got it.

Thank you.

Hi, Mrs. Goldsmith, it's Linda from Dr. Becker's

office.

You may not remember me, but our records

show that it's been several months since your

last visit.

And, uh, we're gonna need you to come

on in so we can x-ray your

hand.

Hey, Reg, don't you ever sweep the sidewalk

outside this place?

Sidewalk belongs to the city, not my job.

Yeah, how about a cup of coffee?

Is that your job?

Let me guess, Becker, still a little low

on vitamin smoke?

Shut the hell up, will you?

Oh, please tell me that's not my clock

radio.

Well, technically, this is the clock and this

is the radio.

Hey, you sound a little stressed out there,

buddy.

Think you might need, oh, I don't know,

a cigarette?

No, as a matter of fact, Jake, I

don't need a cigarette.

In case you've forgotten, I don't smoke.

I'm a non-smoker.

Well, while you're here, let's do the memory

tests.

Oh, I need to finish my report.

Okay, tell me the words you remember.

Hoof, uh, elbow.

Antenna coil.

Bump.

Tuning knob.

Antenna coil.

6.8. Bump.

6.8. Hey, shut the hell up, will

you?

Where was I?

About to have a cigarette?

You know, John, you may as well just

pay me now.

You know what?

Just give me the 200 bucks and I'll

throw in a free pack of smokes.

You know, I'm not going to pay you

now.

I'm not going to pay you ever.

You know, I'm so sure that I'm going

to win this.

You know what?

Let's raise the bet to 300 bucks.

300 bucks.

All right, you're on it.

Don't try sneaking a smoke because I already

talked to Margaret and Linda.

I have eyes everywhere.

You don't have eyes anywhere.

I know I was here this morning and

I know you took my x-ray.

No, I didn't see the Neil Sadaka concert.

Was it good?

What are you talking about?

No, I didn't see the Neil Sadaka concert.

Was it good?

Yeah.

Linda, I can't find that x-ray anywhere.

Where are you?

Linda?

Hello, Dr. Becker.

Oh, not again.

Not today.

Remember when I was here and you told

me to get plenty of bed rest?

Vividly.

Well, if I was to fall asleep on

the couch, would that count as bed rest?

Or what about a love seat?

Although I can't really stretch out on the

love seat, but I could on a hammock.

But I don't have a hammock.

Any idea where I can buy one?

They sell them in hell.

In fact, I'm there now.

Why don't I pick one up for you?

Pardon?

You want to spend time alone, Louis?

Fine.

Take all the damn time you want.

Just wait here.

You can stay a whole damn month if

you want.

What the hell's going on in here?

Nothing.

Were you going to answer it?

It's Louis.

I don't want to talk to him.

Well, what if it's not Louis?

Oh, it's Louis.

Yeah, you don't know that one.

Doctor's office.

Oh, hi, Louis.

Martin.

I'm not talking to him.

Why does this happen on the day I'm

trying to quit smoking?

Again, not about you.

I don't think she wants to talk to

you right now, Louis.

Now, don't make me give her that message.

Hold on.

Doctor's office.

No, you got to make an appointment.

I don't do...

All right, just hold on, will you?

Linda!

Beck, are you busy?

Did Jake send you over here to check

up on me?

It's not about that.

I need you to take the memory test

again.

Now?

Yeah, I've got class.

All right, just give me a second here.

Yeah, Louis, can you work this out on

your own time, please?

You're going to cost me, like, 300 bucks.

Hold for a second.

Yeah, doctor's office.

Uh, hold, please.

Yeah, Margaret!

I told you, I'm not talking to Louis.

Oh, hi, Ridge.

Hi, why aren't you talking to Louis?

Because he's being an ass.

What makes him act like that?

Oh, tell me about it.

Yeah, tell her about it some other time,

will you, Margaret?

Oh, girl, let me tell you what this

man did.

I didn't know you two were having problems.

Margaret, will you please just...

No!

Oh, for...

Linda, will you help me out of the

phones here, please?

You know, this man...

Doctor's office.

No, if this were Sal's Pizzeria, I wouldn't

have said doctor's office, would I?

Becker, I need you to take the test.

I want to go to class tonight.

All right, fine, I'll take your test now.

Uh, just hold on a second, will you?

Doctor's office.

All right, fine, a large pizza, I got

it.

Dr. Becker, Linda keeps bringing me in for

x-rays and talking about Neil Sadaka.

Pepperoni, cheese, I got you a hump, rust,

poof, egg.

Oh, dear, nothing makes any sense.

Reggie, I can't do this right now.

Please hold.

Oh, shoot.

Wow, 40% retention.

My lab rat got 50.

He doesn't remember anything unless it has to

do with him.

Hey, John.

What?

I just came by to collect my money.

Yeah, not gonna happen.

I only got ten minutes left, pal.

We'll see.

Dr. Becker, if you're finished with me, I

think I'll just go rest at home.

Yeah, you belong in a rest home.

Well, I guess I could use some time

off.

My aunt was in a rest home, and

I went there to see their production of

Death of a Salesman, and the guy playing

Willie Lohman actually died.

Hey, Linda, will you please help me with

the phones?

You know, a cigarette might calm you down.

Yeah, doctor's office.

Linda, what is it now?

The med chip, the plumbing?

Why are you on the phone?

Because I'm afraid to talk to you in

person.

I just wanted you to know I have

Mrs. Goldsmith's x-ray.

Not now, Linda.

No!

Why's everything happen to me?

For our last time, it's not about you.

I drove a lady crazy just to get

you this damn x-ray, and you don't

even care.

Oh, Mr. Compassion?

You know, if he wants her x-ray

done again, you're gonna have to do it,

Dr. Becker.

Can you hear me?

If he wants her x-ray done again,

you're gonna have to do it.

Oh, no, no, no, you tell him.

Ask him about it.

Dr. Becker?

You know, I tell you, I just don't...

Dr. Becker?

Oh.

Oh, God, I'm just pathetic.