Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) All I'm saying is that there are lunatics

wandering aimlessly all over the place.

Why not put sponges on their feet and

let them clean the streets?

Am I the only one who's putting these

things together?

You know, am I the only one who's

aware of what's going on around them?

John, what do you mean what?

This what?

What the hell?

Oh my god.

I swear the crime in this city is

out of control.

You know what the problem is, don't you?

John, not now.

Oh my god.

Drug cabinets still locked.

Nothing's gone there.

Why do we even have a police department?

John, not now.

All right, let's see if they took any

money.

Check the cash box.

There's only two dollars here.

Okay, so it wasn't robbery.

Oh my god.

I'll call the police.

What is the world coming to when a

doctor, a pillar of the community...

John, not now.

Well, Margaret, give me something, will you?

Uh, yes, hello?

Yes, uh, we've had a break-in.

It's an emergency.

Yes, I'll hold.

Why would you lock up two dollars?

John, I swear you are the cheapest man

that...

Margaret, not now.

Oh my god.

Will you stop saying that?

Holy crap.

No, don't you watch television?

This is a crime scene.

Everything is evidence.

You don't touch anything.

You can make coffee.

Just don't touch anything else.

All right, the police will be over any

minute.

Two hours, Margaret.

It's been two hours.

Come on, get them over here.

Make the call.

Ah, forget it, John.

I am not calling 9-1-1 and

telling them that I'm a white woman in

trouble.

Detective Borkow, 43rd Precinct.

Whoa, this place is a mess.

So, why'd you call?

Because I made a New Year's resolution to

meet one new person every day.

Why the hell do you think we called?

All right.

Well, any idea who might have done it?

That's why we called you.

Okay, first things first.

Is that fresh coffee?

So, do you think you'll be able to

find out who did this?

Well, of course I can.

I'm a trained criminal investigator.

I think what we have here is either

robbery or vandalism.

Actually, now, those are the only two choices

on the form.

Wait a minute.

I recognize you.

It was about a year ago.

You were at the hospital with that sissy

doctor who got shot in a gay bar.

I never forget a face.

Yeah, I knew you looked familiar.

That was me.

You know, I think you're right.

I was not in a gay bar.

I was near a gay bar.

I'm not gay.

Makes me know never mind.

That's between you and Dr. Laura.

So, was anything taken?

No.

Okay, box one, vandalism.

I think that's all I need to go

off.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hey, that's it?

You're not going to do anything else?

Take pictures, you know, or dust for fingerprints?

You watch a lot of TV, don't you?

Relax.

I'll file a report.

So, basically, you're just going to create the

illusion of actual police work.

Right.

I checked the exam rooms.

Nothing's missing.

Well, well, well.

This case just got interesting.

Detective Borkow, and you are...

Not guilty.

I'm guessing you're not innocent either.

If you're done drooling, can we get back

to the investigation, please?

I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you

uncomfortable.

That's how heterosexuals flirt.

You know, I could ask a couple of

questions.

Possible suspects.

Do you know of anyone who might harbor

a grudge against you?

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, John, please.

Yeah, well, screw you too, you Ivy League

quack.

You are out of your freaking mind.

You're making me sick.

Shut up.

Go away.

Kiss my ass.

Toothless cretin.

Arthritic old slack ass.

Card Karen lunatics.

Hypocrite.

Jackass.

Cuts.

Bite me.

This was over a period of what?

Two, three years?

Two, three days.

Well, well.

The kitten has claws.

Say when.

Anytime, pretty lady.

You know, I don't know about her, but

you're creeping me out.

Let me ask you.

Linda.

Linda, do you know any patient who might

be mad enough at Dr. Becker to do

something like this?

I can only pick one.

Okay, what do we got here?

Mr. Fink goes in for a physical, but

there's something he wants to talk to you

about first.

Yeah, I won't be able to pay you

right away.

I'm having a little problem finding a job.

You're kidding.

Dressed for success like you are.

What was that?

Look, I'll let you slide on the bill,

but come on.

You know, we kind of worked out a

civilization here.

Make a few concessions to it.

You know, maybe tattoo a tie on your

chest.

Do we have to go through this every

time?

Yes, we do.

What kind of job are you looking for

anyway?

A kindergarten teacher?

As a matter of fact, kids love me.

Of course they do.

You're covered with cartoons.

Do you find this attractive?

Yeah.

You're a bad example.

All I'm saying is the people who hand

out the jobs don't like tattoos.

Okay, man, it's art.

Yeah, right.

I believe it was Rembrandt who first painted

Woody Woodpecker smoking a joint.

Well, that brings up an interesting question.

Linda, what sort of tattoos do you find

attractive?

Because I got a beauty when I was

in the marina.

That's just great, Borkhow.

You know, why don't we just drop the

investigation?

You can take your shirt off and we'll

all look at your tattoo.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

You have to follow me everywhere.

You said we were going to lunch.

No, I said I was going to lunch.

I had some coffee, Reg.

Hamburger, please.

I'll have the same.

Is this separate checks?

Oh, look who I'm asking.

So you're a cop, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

How'd you know?

Two things Bob knows.

Women and cops.

You spend enough time staring at one, you

get hassled by the other.

He's here because my office was vandalized last

night.

What happened?

Oh, well, everything's all right.

Nothing was taken.

No one was hurt.

Just got trashed on that.

Detective Borkhow here is working the case, more

or less.

With someone after the two bucks you hide

in the cash box?

Don't help.

Just get me my lunch.

Coming right up.

Usually does.

Now, Doc, look at that.

Nothing?

She does nothing for you?

How much clearer do I have to be?

I am not gay.

It doesn't matter what you say.

It's already in your file.

Vandalism seems like such a waste.

I mean, what's the point of breaking in

if you're not going to take something?

I mean, that's like having a woman in

bed and...

And what?

I got a woman in bed here.

Don't bother me.

Do any of you know of anyone who

might have wanted to do this to Dr.

Becker?

When you're done with the Bronx, I've got

the jersey book around here somewhere.

Cut it out, will you?

You know, though, now that I think about

it, there was someone in here yesterday, and,

well, John was really letting them have it.

You know, I've been trying to eat my

lunch for the last half hour, which is

hard enough to stomach without having to watch

you eat.

I mean, come on.

Don't you have any pride, any self-respect?

Look at you.

You got more food in your hair than

you do on your plate, you disgusting slob.

Oh, come on.

It was like watching a Cuisinart without the

lid.

Well, that gives me a pretty good picture.

As a matter of fact, I think I

know exactly who's responsible for this.

I'm just screwing with you.

I don't have a clue.

What the hell's the matter with you people?

You make it look like it's my fault

the office got trashed, like for some reason

people don't like me.

Do you even listen when you talk?

I've done a little research on you, Doc,

and apparently you've been a bad little girl.

For the last time, I'm not gay.

You get that vibe, too?

Becker's not gay.

I mean, come on.

The clothes, the body, and that haircut.

And let's not even talk about it.

Like I said before, you know, don't help

me.

All I know is I ran his sheet

in the last couple of years.

He attacked a man in a wheelchair, broke

a city street light, gave a man a

heart attack, and cursed out a nun.

When do you find time to see patients?

Some of those people were patients.

Aren't we forgetting something?

I'm the victim here.

You know, this is unbelievable.

You're like some cliche cop in a bad

movie.

A stupid, homophobic, leering Neanderthal.

Yeah, but I made Inspector.

Let's find out who did this, will you?

And for the record, the nun had it

coming.

Well, maybe I'll check out this lead over

his apartment building.

He got in a run-in with a

woman there a couple of weeks ago.

A, uh, Rhonda Martin.

Rhonda Martin?

Yeah, you know her?

Uh, only because I'm the super of the

building and I happen to be familiar with

the answer to the question.

Becker was alone in the department drinking a

beer and watching TV, waiting for me to

show up and fix the sink, when there

was a knock at the door.

Hello?

Dr. Becker, you don't know me.

I'm Rhonda Martin.

My sister Karen lives in 4B.

Look, I'm not...

I know, I know.

You're not in your office and I hate

to impose, but I have a rash and

I thought maybe...

Look, maybe you should wait until...

I know I should wait and see my

regular doctor, but it's driving me crazy.

It's all over my chest.

Do you think you could just take a

look at it?

Well, if you insist.

Thanks so much.

So Becker checked her out, but if she

wasn't happy with the diagnosis, that's hardly the

doc's fault.

So, what do you think?

Mama!

I suppose I should still check it out.

You don't want to do that.

That woman's crazy.

She left town on vacation for business.

She went to Florida.

You know, in a report, she said that

Dr. Becker was 5'4", with dark slicked

back hair and a cheap leather jacket.

That doesn't look anything like him.

It's amazing.

People have eyes, they don't see what's right

in front of their face.

Guess I'll just have to keep looking.

Linda, right?

Yeah.

If I may say so, it's been a

long time since I've met a woman of

your grace and beauty who wasn't a prostitute.

Thank you.

Linda, I was wondering if you could clean

this stirrer.

I'm sure.

No problem.

I'm on it.

Is there anything sweeter than watching that girl

walk out of a room?

Don't you have anything else you should be

paying attention to?

All right, all right.

You're very attractive, too.

Oh, yeah, if it isn't one of New

York's thickest.

Dr. Becker, I've been going over my notes,

and it suddenly occurred to me that you

could have done this yourself.

Oh, yeah, right.

I trashed my own office.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

It's not so far-fetched.

You pick up a fat insurance check, and

you and the mister are flying down to

Rio.

You're insane.

Not according to internal affairs.

Now, can you account for your whereabouts on

the aforementioned evening of the alleged incident, otherwise

known as last night?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I was

at home.

Not according to your neighbors.

How would they know?

It seems they keep tabs on your comings

and goings.

Don't want to be in the hallway or

the lobby if you're there.

That sort of thing.

Anyway, they have you leaving at 8.31

and returning at 11.16. Oh, that's right,

I forgot.

I went out.

I went to Ming's.

And is Ming a friend of yours?

No, Ming's is a Chinese restaurant.

And I went there all alone.

For three hours.

I'm really bad with chopsticks.

Here's a thought.

Why don't you get your head out of

your notebook and actually try to catch this

guy?

I know, maybe you could use some help.

Like a police dog.

Someone to bounce ideas off of.

Pardon my language, ma'am, but...

What a bitch.

I just don't get why someone would do

this to me.

I ain't sure I've been screamed at.

Cursed at.

Flipped off.

Swung on.

Pepper sprayed.

Shot at.

All right, so not everyone gets me.

Oh, Dr. Becker, there you are.

Your alibi doesn't wash.

Ming's wasn't open that night.

Oh, let me see.

Did I say Ming's?

I'm sorry, I meant Wings.

Yeah, I was watching Wings.

Well, that doesn't really help me pin down

the time.

Wings is on like 15 times a day.

I had your neighbor saw you leave.

Oh, really need to know where I was,

I'll tell you.

Love Story?

You were watching Love Story?

It's considered a classic.

Oh, John.

Love Story?

You are gay.

Good morning, Linda.

Hello.

I thought maybe you were hiding from me.

I was.

Oh, peekaboo.

You know, since I started this case, one

name keeps running through my mind.

And what name would that be?

Linda, and there's a question I really need

to ask you.

Yes.

Did you...

Oh, I can't take the third degree, all

right, I did it.

I had a party here over the weekend.

I would have had it at my place,

but I didn't want to trash my apartment.

And you don't know these people.

They like to rock and roll all night

and party every day.

So anyways, I was gonna wake up early

and come in and clean up, but I

overslept.

So if you have to arrest me, just

don't tell Dr. Becker.

I was just gonna ask, did you have

plans for lunch today?

Oh, then forget I said anything.

Oh, poor cow, there you are.

Tell me you know something about anything.

No can do, Dr. Becker.

In fact, I'm afraid this case is gonna

go unsolved.

Between you and me, most of them end

up that way.

Sometimes we get lucky and find somebody to

pin one on.

This is unbelievable.

Why do we even have police?

The whole city looks to you for protection.

And what do we get?

Nothing.

You know, I got news for you.

You just can't sit around and wait for

somebody to come up and say, I did

it.

God, you're such an idiot.

So, how about that lunch?

Uh, just give me a second.

Dr. Becker?

Are you still real mad about what happened

here?

If I find out who did this, I

will kill them.

And I'll do it in front of him

so I never get caught.

Margaret, I'm going to lunch.

Outstanding.

I'll see you folks.

Let's go to Jimmy's Steakhouse.

You can have dead cow for lunch and

more cow for dessert.

What's that, Margaret?

If I'm not back in an hour, I'm

fired?

Okay.

Well, that's that.

Well, John, it could have been a lot

worse.

No one was hurt, nothing was taken, and

no one saw you at Love Story.

Everybody know about that now?

Not yet, but just give me to the

end of the day.

Are you all right?

Well, it hasn't been the best couple of

days, Margaret.

When first the office got trashed, then it

was my turn.

Apparently, when it comes to wanting to do

me harm, everyone I've ever met is a

possible suspect.

Well, John, you may not realize it, but

you don't cut people much slack.

Margaret, society was founded on a system of

checks and balances.

Oh, no, not the checks and balances speech.

Not again.

I'm sorry, but it applies now more than

ever.

I mean, the world is filled with idiots,

and somebody has to point it out to

them or they'll never know.

And if they don't know, they can't change.

And believe me, they need to change.

John, I wouldn't work for you if I

didn't know the type of person you really

are.

You're a good man, but does it have

to be a secret between us?

Do you honestly think that I deserve all

this?

No, I'm just saying what goes around comes

around.

Maybe you should look at this as a

wake-up call, because if you keep acting

the way you do, it's going to happen

again and again, and then maybe next time

you won't be so lucky.

Well, maybe you're right.

The world is tough enough.

Door's unlocked, right?

Yep.

You still can't get in?

Apparently.

I guess I could be a little more

tolerant.

Oh, you can't possibly be that stupid.

If you keep pulling and it's not working,

there's only one more option.

Press the button and push.

Jackass.

Feels good, doesn't it?