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Hello?

And they say, that a dog is man's best friend.

- Good evening! - Good evening!

Hey, don't shout, this is a restaurant.

Come on...

Ooh, how I'm starving...

Here we are.

Hey, Gentlemen, no buskers here!

Young man, what buskers? What buskers?

Do we look like buskers to you?

Are we buskers, according to you? We are musicians,

We are artists, great artists.

We're not loiterers. We don't come here to loiter in the car park.

- In restaurants know what we do? - No.

We fill ourselves up! Understand?

- You see this table? - Yes Sir, I set it...

And what happens if I sit, I eat, I get up and leave.

I run after you to make you pay the bill.

- Ignoramus! This filthy tavern, - Wait a minute...

This filthy restaurant...

will become a national monument,

this table, an heirloom... and of you perhaps, they'll make a bust.

No, half-length.

- Now I'm getting angry, I'm leaving! - No, I'm sorry professor...

- I've zipped up my stomach! - Look at the professor...

- I'm sorry... - Take it easy...

I'll stay because the Maestro asked me to.

- But for him, I would have gone. - Maestro, I thank you.

Have a seat.

- So, what d'you want? - What d'you want?

What "What d'you want?'' What familiarity!

Have we broken bread together?

No! Well then? "What d'you want"!

"What do you want, Sir"?

- Give us the menu. - Yes sir.

And give us a break.

- And bring us some bread and water, lots of bread. - Yes sir, right away.

- What are you doing? - Sharpening the knife.

But where were you born? You'll give me a heart attack.

Read it.

Bucatini alla matriciana, cutlets in breadcrumbs,

- Stew with peas, - But where are you reading?

Here on the left.

- You read on the right. - On the right are the prices.

And that's what we need.

- 300. - Yes.

- 250. - Yes.

- 200. - Yes.

- 100. - Stop right there!

Stop at 100.

Now, in a straight line, what corresponds to this 100?

- Consomm�. - Bravo.

In the evening one must eat light, Understand?

- Put on your napkin. - When did we ever eat heavy?

Don't interfere! Put on your napkin and eat!

When it arrives!

Here is the water and bread.

- The gentlemen have chosen? - Yes, my good fellow, bring us...

a nice consomm�, but...

- Reduced. - No, thin.

But consomm� is typically reduced.

I know, but we are used to taking it thin.

Fine. And then what?

Then, tell me do you serve half portions?

Of course...

Then bring us two half-portions of consomm�.

Would you like me to serve it with an eye dropper?

Alright. Have patience and be polite.

Bring us one consomm� and two bowls now go!

Listen, bring me a nice plate of bucatini alla matriciana.

A steak with salad, fruit, cheese...

and dessert.

Okay, bucatini, steak with salad,

fruit, cheese and dessert. Fine.

- And you? - Excuse me, where's the sink?

- That way. - Come with me.

Come with me and wash yourself up.

What do you take me for? I've got clean hands.

You've got clean hands but a dirty conscience!

How dare you order a sumptuous lunch in front of me, your director?

and with only 150 lira in my pocket

- and I ordered a half consomm�! - But I've got a thousand lira.

- I've a thousand lira. - Where did you get it?

- You played in secret? - No...

You pocketed some of the takings? I'll report you for misappropriation.

- No, a 1,000 lira from granny. - granny?

A granny and 1,000 lira. How's that?

granny died and left me 1,000,100,000 lira.

- But I'll keep the rest as a souvenir. - Where? In your pocket?

Don't cheat, let's see your bank book or I'll throttle you!

Give it here!

This is the gratitude you show!

Gratitude, to I who made you.

Who taught you to play bass, which you didn't know,

even playing a wash-tub bass! Wretch!

Who has a granny... even a million grannies...

- This is a deposit book? - No, to the bearer.

And you know what? From now on, this book,

- I'm carrying it. Come on! - But...

Silence!

You understand... with a million in my pocket...

with our intelligence, with our musical genius,

my friend, the world is ours! And the pasta is mine.

To you the broth.

- But really... - Really what?

The bucatini is mine. - What's that?

Drink your soup and shut up, Understand?

You mustn't interfere, you are my employee!

Or I can suspend you starting today,

Understand?

Drink the soup. And take off your hat.

And don't pull that face, don't sulk, be patient.

Think of the glory, the success our future.

You know, you know, where I...

with granny's million, where I'll take you now?

Abroad!

Where genius is truly recognized.

Where all great men, have made their fortune.

D'you understand? Tell me you do.

Christopher Columbus, where was he from?

- Genoa. - And he made his fortune?

- In America. - You see...

- And Napoleon Bonaparte, where he was from? - Corsica.

- And where he made his fortune? - In France.

- And Mike Buongiorno? - American. - He made his fortune? - Here in Italy.

Why not us, we'll follow in the footsteps of the great Corsican.

We'll set off for Paris, Paris. Now eat your soup.

And put on your hat, I mean raise your hat.

Put on your hat, raise your spoon,

don't suck your thumb like an animal!

The broth it sucks!

What are you doing?

- Aren't you ashamed? - No. - Don't be so stupid.

Montanaro had nothing like this!

You imagined coming to Paris to see a strip-tease?

- What, what is it? - You soaked me. - Me?

- You spat... - Don't tell such lies.

- You cover your eyes to not look? - No, it's a keyhole.

It's like looking through a keyhole.

How's that? Let me see.

Look.

You're right... It seems I'm like

all intimate, avec la femme.

- Where's the toilet? - La bas, Monsieur.

- Where are you going? - The toilet.

What do you want with the toilet?

Get a move on.

Mimi?... Mimi, where are you?

Mimi where are you?

Where on earth's he got to the jerk...

Mi... Mi...

What are you doing? Is this going to the toilet?

These are the actresses' dressing rooms.

- I got the wrong corridor. - "Wrong corridor"!

Aren't you ashamed, you dirty dog!

And at your age.

To spy through a keyhole.

Watch out... if they catch you. How you'll disgrace me.

You wretch.

- What? - And how old are you?

That's none of your business.

- What now? - If they catch you, what a disgrace.

Not me. I'm different I'll explain later..

But she's fully dressed! - Yeah?

Well, after so many strippers, a woman fully clothed,

gives you...

Degenerate! Come on.

Madame et Monsieur, we are delighted

to present for you our star attractions.

The two international stars:

Babette and Pate-a-Choux.

- You're having fun, eh? - A world of fun.

Now these are women, damn it.

Daughters of art... they must be daughters of art.

Or I need an eye test. Nothing escapes me.

Those two girls we need to know.

Those two femmes. Are you in?

- I'm in. - Are you in?

Waiter!

- Where d'you think you are? - He took no notice!

- Oui, monsieur. - Could we get to know those two nymphets?

Of course, as soon as they've finished their number.

And another litre of champagne.

Oui, Monsieur.

- Say, isn't it dangerous? - What?

Those two if they're infected...

Are you crazy? What do you mean?

I said nymphets, not infected.

Nymphet comes from nymph, when a woman has beautiful...

lymphs, glands!

- Then I'm dangerous too. - Why?

- I'm lymphatic, look! - You're crazy.

Well, I'm anaemic.

You know what you are? I'll explain later.

- Yes. - Look at that.

They'll be here immediately.

This is the favourite brand of Babette and Pate-a-Choux.

- What'd he say? - This is their favourite brand.

It's a brand of pastasciutta.

Pasta in a bottle?

Hey... this is Paris.

What do we know? Don't beans come in tins?

That's Paris for you.

But 4,000 lira for pasta?

You understand nothing!

What the heck, you're so thick!

These women, we need them. They'll know all the best businessmen in Paris,

and we need them to introduce us. Understand? It's a question of...

- Understand? - What? - It's...

Shut up. Here they are. Adjust your tie.

- I'm Babette. - And I'm Pate-a-Choux.

Ah, this is pastasciutta. What was I thinking?

May I?

Nini Chanteclair, famous artist of great renown.

- And him? - He doesn't count.

He's a dead beat. he's my second.

But you Italians are so hot, you'd burn the place down.

What d'you expect! Faced with two beauties like you, I'd burn up anything.

Like Pythagoras!

But he doesn't burn, doesn't heat up.

At the most I become tepid.

I like tepid. Come on, tell me something.

- Go on, say something. - What... Good evening.

Goodnight! Tell them: Cherie, je t'aime...

Mon petit choux, enchante, separe!

Separe you think immediately of separe!

We want... he wanted to ask you...

I'll speak, I'm the first.

So I wanted to ask you,

if you could introduce us...

In your circle, here, in your circle.

- Ah, because you two also... - Yes, yes.

We want to be introduced...

- In your scene, here. - In... in...

Ah, because you also are contra-nature?

No. Contra-bass.

I'm the first and he's the second.

They call it counter-bass?

- Adieu, Pate-a-Choux. - Hello.

Why that long face?

It's my last evening with you unfortunately.

- They sent me a card. - Bad news from home?

No, at home all's well, but...

I mean my draft card. Just think,

I'll have to do 18 months of military service.

Camp follower?

You bet, I'll make a fine soldier.

Women's Auxiliary?

No! These will be policewomen, you know...

Oh no, not the auxiliary.

Rise early, forced marches,

uniforms that stink and what's worse...

I must cut off all my blonde hair.

- What branch are you in? - Para.

- Para what? - Paratroopers.

Excuse me, but there must be an error?

Maybe your card was for your brother?

Mais non, I have only two sisters.

At home the only male is me!

Excuse me, are you too in the same condition she is?

No. Fortunately not.

No. Military service, we've already done it.

Where are you going?

Didn't you want to be introduced into our circle?

Oh, come on!

Some people!

But didn't you notice, Carlo, they're just two yokels.

Cheers.

Excuse me, I said excuse me.

When someone says sorry.

Sit down.

Let's have a look.

Gar�on!

- Monsieur? - He said "Monsieur". Hear that?

Bring us a bottle of champagne, but chilled.

- Bien, Monsieur. - From under the fountain.

He said "bien". "Monsieur". You know what that means?

Sir.

I've told you so many times, no photographs.

No, darling, it's not important. Forget it.

Come on darling let's go.

The path to success, I've found it.

Where are you going? Stay still!

I found it here. The path to success is here.

And you know what it's called? Advertising.

- How do we do it? - Newspapers.

Magazines.

Just don't want to be photographed and all the papers'll photograph you.

It's not that we don't want it... They don't want to photograph us.

How clever you are! How smart!

You have to provoke them! That's why I brought you?

Provoke them. Be an agent provocateur.

You see that paparazzo?

- What? - That paparazzo.

Hey, you said a rude word.

- Are you crazy? - I heard it.

Paparazzo... I said... p... p... paparazzo.

It's a rude word, paparazzo?

Paparazzo means a street photographer.

You go near that one, attack him.

First tear the camera from his hands, and hit him on the head with it.

Then, thump him, kick him, slap him.

- Then scream... - At him? - We don't want to be photographed!

- And then what? - Then I come.

That one? He's a bit big.

We tailor a mini paparazzo specially for you? Don't make me laugh.

- Hey, hurry up? - Certainly.

How dare you? Give me that camera.

- We don't want to be photographed! - Who's photographing?

But what do you want from me?

Me nothing, it's him who wants it.

- Him? But who's he? - It's Nini Chanteclaire.

But who's this Chanteclaire?

I am, for your information.

And you should be ashamed, understand?

- I should be ashamed? - Yes, to photograph,

an artist like me. We also are great artists,

and we want our privacy and quiet.

We don't want to be... Slap him!

He slapped me?

You're a paparazzo and now stop paparazzing us.

We're sick of it! Down with paparazzi! Another slap!

Another. Give him another!

Break the camera! A kick in the pants!

It's too much.

They've targeted us for three hours.

- Who's targeting? - You're targeting.

You're a sharpshooter! Understand?

Just because one is called Nini Chanteclaire,

They're a pain in the neck, these photographers.

Break his camera. Give him a slap,

Give him a punch, a bite, a kick!

But enough! Enough!

I'm simply a tourist who's taking pictures!

- A tourist? - Tourist! Hold everything!

How dare you, you rascal.

- Beating up a tourist? - Me?

For beating up a tourist, you can go to jail.

- But you told me to! - No!

- I said beat up the paparazzi! - And I won't go to jail?

No, it ends up in the newspapers, in magazines, on TV.

- Did he hurt you? - Of course!

- He beat you up? - Yes

Give him a slap. Go on!

TWO ITALIAN MUSICIANS NINI CHANTECLAIRE

Monsieur Grimeau? The two Italian musicians have arrived.

Show them in.

Please come in.

- Allow me? - Avancez.

- The basses - Outside. - Bring them in.

Here.

- Pull, pull. - Qu'est-ce que c'est?

But no! But, no, no!

- Qu'est-ce que c'est? - Excuse-nous Monsieur.

- It's not possible. - La porte is the worse for wear.

How dare you, in front of me...

speak French when you don't know it. I'm here, so shut up.

Excuse me, Monsieur.

Excuse the disaster, but you know how it is.

The double bass, c'est tres grand...

The door!

The door, c'est tres petite and bim-bam-bom on the ground.

But I speak Italian. I know your language well.

Veramon?

I mean, veramon you know it...

- Ah, vraiment! Really. - Oui.

I love very much Italy and also Italian artists.

Yes.

So as soon as I read in the newspaper,

that you were in Paris, I gave orders to summon you to my office.

Understand? You've done well?

Oui, oui, oui.

Because we've had beaucoup de preposterous!

I can believe it. Two virtuosos like you!

Modestament Modest men.

I say to myself...

Because je suis, je...

je... je suis je suis...

Je suis...

cette the unique double bass duo de le monde, modest mently.

Qu'est-ce que c'est? Ah, je ne pas comprends.

- What did he say? - Comprenne pas.

- Meaning? - He doesn't buy bread. - Who cares!

I'm curious to see...

what you can do with those two basses.

If your lady will allow it...

You will see something...

look here is my professor.

- Some counterpoints! - Thank you!

- Maestro is very nice to me. - Nah.

- Please, Maestro. - Nah.

With great pleasure. This is my stage,

where I've launched on their flight to fame, hundreds of stars.

It's all yours! Go on!

Please, It's all yours!

Thank you! Hey, me first.

We'll perform a symphony in A major,

- for first bass. - And second bass.

My own creation. Unpublished.

Get out of the way.

That'll teach you!

Excuse me, When you must, you must.

It's faulty.

Wretch that you are! Rascal!

You're a dead loss! Understand?

Look what you've done...

Excuse me, be patient. It was his fault.

I whipped it out!

And it was swollen maybe?

- It was a little sticky. - Sorry, it was a little sticky.

So we learn!

We will now perform a symphony in A major

- for first bass... - And second bass.

Come on!

One, two, three, go.

One, two, three, go.

Rascal that you are!

Is this why you stood an hour in front of the poulterer.

No, but... I wanted to play a joke on the poulterer.

A joke? You're a kleptomaniac!

What a figure we'll cut in Paris and they'll say that we Italians...

Excuse me Monsieur, mon ami...

has had an idea, oui, a souvenir of Italy. Voila.

Ah, merci beaucoup!

C'est blanche! C'est poulet blanche!

Go on, go on...

We'll perform...

The Symphony in A Major with solo for first double bass

And also second double bass.

My own creation, unpublished.

One, two, three, go!

Wretch! Look, look, look...

No, cold, cold, cold.

Hot, hot, hot

Eh, sorry...

Monsieur, excuse us, not pratique de Paris,

and the first fois. Won't be long.

C'est formidable!

Bravo! Bravissimo! Formidable!

- That's enough! - How enough?

We've not finished playing the piece.

- Who is it? - It's me. - Come in

It doesn't matter what you play next!

Your number is so much fun.

If I laugh, all Paris laughs, I guarantee it!

How would all Paris laugh?

Do you take us for two clowns?

We are two artists! Understand? Two musicians!

This little guy

has studied point and counterpoint.

- Mais non, - He's man full of wit.

D'you think we're two beggars?

- Listen. - Mere buskers?

You know what? Paris is not for us!

Paris is just not serious enough for us!

Monsieur! Have you understood?

- We are going to Madrid! - Madrid! There are bullfighters!

What did you expect to find, Eskimos?

You know what? He's a cochon!

- Parbleu! Let's go! - Mais pourquoi?

- Porkwa and porko! - Let me speak!

What do we care! Let us go!

And don't touch me!

Manuel, I gotta tell you? You'll ruin me!

- I don't care! - I have a full house.

- I don't care! - They're all expecting you!

- You always want Manuel! - But Manuel...

They also expect your dignity as an artist!

- I don't care! - Why don't you care?

Who cares! Are there guitarists? No! So no singing!

- Where are you? - Here as always.

- Senores, senores! Where are you going? - Inside!

You can't go inside with those basses.

Understand? You can't go in.

- Me? Why? - Is it true that he can't go in?

No! Los dos!

- Ah, says you got a dose. - Of what?

Well? Did you get a dose? - Me no.

No dose? But she says she saw you.

No. Los estrumientos.

Ah! The instruments. I'm sorry but we never leave them.

They're like children to us.

Have you ever seen a father who abandons his children? Never!

- I expect the director will complain. - Yes, off you go.

- She's nice, eh? - Very. - The Spanish are all like that. - Yes.

I'm ruined! You've ruined me!

- It'll be on your conscience! - Senor director.

Two men with instruments are out there.

- Really? - Sign them up.

Then I'll sing!

Go and get ready. You'll find them on stage.

Please eh... let the force be with you!

The people want Manuel! Some food please!

See how fine? Only in Spain they make them so.

- You're here! - Good morning.

- But you're not you! - How are we not we?

We are we! He is he and I am me.

I mean you're not the guitarists for Manuel!

Excuse me, but you want to offend us?

How could you take us for guitarists?

For who have you taken us?

Please be patient! We are musicians!

- Classical music. - And chamber.

Excuse me, but hear me out.

Look, chamber or not chamber,

classical or non-classical, you must do me a great kindness.

- If we can... - Gentlemen, it's life or death,

my reputation. You could save it!

- Do me this great kindness? - We are Italians abroad.

- We'll do it if possible. - Great.

- You know what to do? - Yes.

Accompany Manuel.

- Does he live far away? - But I'm tired.

No, no, no.

I've not explained well, accompany him with the basses.

Even worse.

With the weight of those basses?

- Leave the basses here... - And we'll go in a taxi.

But that's not it, I said to accompany him

in his songs, with your instruments.

But they can't play the guitar parts with those basses.

- I never thought of that. - What do you mean?

Are you trying to offend us?

We're not guitarists but we have basses?

The bass in this case makes no difference...

It's a matter of skill, and a question of hands,

of the heart, the soul, the brain,

of the liver... and we have all these things, understand?

Eh? It depends on how you play.

We with these instruments we can come up with

any sound you want. Want to hear the trumpet,

Want to hear the trombone?

The bass drum? Want to hear the violin?

The cello? The bass drum, the whole kitchen sink?

I do the washing up too.

Never mind who does the washing up.

- I need a guitar! - Why not, even a guitar!

- Even the guitar? - Yes, Sir.

Allow me, Sir!

- And you too. - Thanks.

Many thanks.

- Good, good, then we can go. - One moment, one moment.

I'll give you anything you want.

- Just a moment. - I'll pay you.

You'll give us what we want.

What you want. Any amount.

- How much should we ask for? - Five million pesetas apiece.

Are you mad? Are you crazy?

What a brain you've got!

- It's too much? - Not enough!

Ten apiece and that's that.

No, no, no...

Ten million... Ten million each?

- But don't joke... - Let's hear no more about it.

- Ten Senor? But... - Each. And that's that.

No, we'll discuss it later and you'll see that we'll agree.

- Okay, we'll settle it... - Go and play...

Oh I forgot...

- Senor, hey, the show! - Coming!

Felipe... Felipe...

Felipe! These aren't my guitarists!

Ssssh! Quiet! We've had a stroke of luck.

- What luck? - These are two celebrities...

- Two virtuosi. - But not my guitarists!

Quiet. With those basses, they can play whatever you want.

But no guitar.

They've explained,

music it's not... it's in their fingers, brain, heart!

Relax, you'll be a smash.

Right? Alright.

And now we'll sing.

Through leaving your motherrrrrr...

Pots and pans to mennnnnnnnnnnnd...

And by the flower of my love...

And by the flower of all flowers...

And the sun from my window.

But what do you want?!

I can't sing! I can't sing any more!

Felipe! Felipe! I can't sing any more!

Please!

Apart from chamber music,

Play something, but for heaven's sake play!

Here we are.

Two whiskey and soda.

- Okay? - No, I'll have a soda.

A soda? Are you crazy?

In England, drink soda? What'll they think.

Here you drink whiskey, whiskey!

Well? Cheers.

Thanks.

Blimey!

Magnificent!

- Pepper! - Ah, you know her?

- No, - You called her Pepper.

Pepper's hot stuff.

Hot pepper!

A la sante!

- It's carbolic acid! - What carbolic acid!

What are you doing?

But what did you do, you fool?

- You threw whiskey on that man! - No, I didn't realise.

You threw it in his face! Like so.

Look. Carbolic acid!

- I did that? - Yes!

I had the glass in my hand so when I said:

Carbolic acid, I did it but without realizing it.

Don't make me angry, you did it like this.

- Me? - Yes. - But look...

I was here and I came here,

I don't like it...

Don't insist, you'll make me angry,

I'll forget you're my co-worker and slap you.

You did... this!

- Me? - Eh!

- I'm sorry but... - Excuse me sir,

you know my friend is a foreigner.

Come on.

Please Sirs!

Lovely! Lovely!

- Lovely even for you? - Ah very, very interesting.

- Italian? - Italian. - Countryman? - Countryman!

- Hear that? - Immigrant? - No, no, no, pure Italian.

If he's pure Italian he's no immigrant!

Some footballers are immigrants.

What footballers? He's not going to play football.

To make you happy I'll ask, but I don't believe it.

I'm sorry...

- Excuse me sir... - Yes?

- Are you a footballer? - No, no, I don't play football.

- Don't play football? - No, no.

Hear that? He doesn't play football.

Don't be such a pain.

Hey, let's settle up now.

Noooo... who's complaining... Causing trouble again.

I've had enough!

- You scare me. - Why?

Why, is this the time and place?

Yes but you're wasting my granny's money!

- I... - Young man, let's measure our words.

Understand? You'll send a fine man to jail.

Your granny's money, you're wasting it not me!

- I'll pay mine. - But how...

And don't raise your voice! He's Italian.

- Pay how if you've no money! - But it's only temporary...

As a result I'll have money and I'll pay.

Indeed to not hear any more of your Greek laments

I'll pay all costs, even of the whole trip.

- It's understood, of course. - But how?

For every dollar we spend,

I'll make you a kind of treasury bond.

- Signed by me. - Oh sure, signed by you...

What's wrong with "signed by me"?

If endorsing it to you is okay? Then I'll endorse.

- If you endorse it, yes. - Oh!

Indeed we'll do it. For you, you know how it is,

life and death at any moment for us travellers,

you can die, You're here and then it's too late.

You're a goner. So they say.

- Who says? - I'm onto it.

I'll do it immediately, Give me a pen.

- I don't have a pen. - You've no pen...

- I've not got one. - What, you come abroad

- without a pen in your pocket! - Oh well...

Jesus Christ... Excuse me, Italian...

- Italian, yes... - Yes, I know, Italian...

- Ah Italian... - You have a pen please?

- Excuse me... - Please, never mind...

You know how it is, we left it at the hotel.

See, the gentleman travels abroad and takes a pen.

- And why don't you have one? - Because I'm incognito.

So tell me now...

- How much have we spent? - 400,000.

Do you want one for 400, or four for 100?

No, no, just one, or I'll lose them.

Just one. 400, dated today...

I sign with my hand.

- D'you also want 100,000 lire interest? - No no no...

Ah ah ah... I thought so! I thought so, matey!

- That's done. - Have you endorsed it?

Sign on the back.

Here, I made the letters, all right?

- Where'll you put this now? - I'll put it here, don't be afraid.

Don't lose it, I'll say nothing more.

Sorry, sorry... my pen?

Want a pen?

Here.

After I've given it back. As they say:

Don't steal a pen Or you'll end up in the pen.

Here.

Look, thank you for you kindness...

It was very kind and I'm thinking of making you a present.

- Thank you. - That you will like a lot.

I give... nothing more nor less than my autograph!

Thank you.

Could I... have the pen please.

- Here you go... - That's it.

That's it... that's it. Look.

Chant... there!

Nini Chanteclaire.

- Pardon my ignorance... - Ignorance forgiven.

All right... He's Italian.

- You're an artist? - Of course.

We are the two double bassists greatest and most famous in the world,

I and my partner, Master Coco.

Aaah... but you came to England,

to participate at the Edinburgh Festival...

- No no no... - No no no... we are musicians,

- we're not screamers. - Nooo... we don't sing.

We make classical music, serious.

All right, then I'll present you to a friend of mine,

- Sir George Bacon. - What?

- Sir George Bacon. - Oh, yeah.

- Who? - George is baking,

- He's a cook? - Must be a cook.

- He's director of the festival... - Oh good...

I... I had a pen...

Want a pen?

Here... the second time eh...

- Don't forget it. - Thank you.

He's a very influential, a dear person,

- the director of the festival. - Watch him.

Here's his address, and please,

say hello to him from me.

- Definitely. - Here it is.

- Definitely... Thank you. - Here you go.

- Very kind of you... - Many thanks.

- Many thanks, very kind. - That's alright.

Appreciate it. Oh wait, wait, sorry...

- Don't call me rude. - No.. .

- You forgot to give me my pen. - Ah here.

- Here it is, thanks. Goodbye. - Sorry...

What did I tell you?

He's a pen thief, Belongs in the pen. I know his sort.

- Excuse me? - Excuse me?

Heil Hitler!

Heil Hitler!

Excuse me. To be or not to be.

Le place occupate le post, per seduar?

I don't understand!

- Eh? - I don't understand!

- What did he say? - He says there's a Hindustani.

- Where? - Is it taken, by a Hindustani?

I don't know.

- Is there? - No.

There's no Hindustani. Maybe not capit.

Not capit, je demandar,

je demandar if the place is free,

to bist not to bist, s... sder.

Ah, you are wondering what happened to my arm! Why it's in plaster.

Well it happened like this. I was out hunting.

The Hunting Season had only just began and the countryside

looked wonderful in the spring sunshine.

I was out just ahead of the hunt on my favourite chestnut

The horse shied at something, I'll never know what it was...

And I went sailing over...

I'll tell you.

- But no! - Have you understood?

Ah! Thank you.

- What did he say? - He said "It's free".

- Free? - Yes, yes.

- Ah, but you understand English well! - I manage, I manage...

Excuse, c'est your... femme, your wife...

if your wife was squeezed a bit...

- squeezy... We'd get in. - But this is not a young lady

and it's is not my wife.

Ah yes?

- Says it's not his wife. - Must be his mistress?

Oh, well, you know... If you'd like to ask votre sweetheart,

n'est pas, we could all squeeze up.

But Sir, I cannot possibly squeeze

an Officer of the world famous Scots Guards.

Voila. Eh, mademoiselle, s'il vous plait,

je parle francais cause je capisc poc of inglas, English.

These Anglicans! If you want a squeeze...

Don't you understand? No, doesn't understand.

He said, the professor, that if she...

since we're both only little,

if you could lean this way.

If you could shift...

SHIFT IT!

Are you in the farmyard? This is a lady, "SHIFT IT"!

Is she a horse, or a cow?

We're abroad, on a train.

Aesculapius, sir, Aesculapius...

If you push up, push up... - We are little and we're there.

Small, the maestro and me, littely...

- Little. - Yeah?

- Oh, yes! - Ooohh!

Fetch the instruments?

We'll be right back...

But what's going on?

What are you doing?

But it's impossible...

Excuse me... just a moment...

A little patience...

Oh, sit down...

We need to put the instruments somewhere.

- But the cases are there! - Then take them down,

and we'll put up these which are heavier.

These English trains are just too uncomfortable.

But what's this? Putting your feet on the seat?

- Don't you know it's forbidden? - Oh, excuse me.

Come on!

Whose is this arm?

- It must be here. - Yes.

Pull down your skirt and cover your legs!

- It's not my fault, it's the wind. - We don't want to see your legs!

You're not even a woman... Who wants to see your legs!

- So they tell me. - But at least you've got your pants?

- No. - Why not?

No, under the Scottish kilt you don't wear any pants.

- How do you know? - Oh, I saw it.

- What? - That they don't wear any underwear.

- Why not? - I wanted to follow the Scottish fashion.

Put on your pants, don't be stupid, and speak Italian!

We'd like to...

Come on...

Come on, here it is.

That must be the door.

They said at the end and turn right, here it is.

Come on.

This is the festival director and a big shot.

- Really? - The English know what's what.

Nothing less than a Sir.

Sir.

- In Italian: close? - What close, Sir is a title!

You'll see, they'll give us three years.

Of work. You'll see.

Leave it to me.

Permessing?

- Come in! - He said comment!

Come on... come...

These basses...

Such narrow doors in England they have...

- You again? - Come on!

Get out!

You bloody fools!

Get out, both of you!

Get out!

Get out! I don't want to see you ever again!

- Or I'll have the police on you! - Who's that?

You broke his arm on the train!

Run!

Run, that one... he bites!

Let's go, Scotland is not for us.

Quite right. These skirts are dangerous.

- But where are you taking me? - Hong Kong.

Hong Kong?

What's this movement, Miss? - It's the take-off.

- The take off! - I get it. - Decoction?

But what decoction? The collar, the collar.

Please gentlemen, fasten your belts.

Swine, unbuckled his belt, with a young lady present.

- But I've got braces. - He has braces!

- Held up with braces! - Gentlemen, the seat belts.

Ah, excuse me! Where are they?

Has anyone seen a belt, please?

- Who's found a belt? - Sir, this belt!

Ah, I left it here, sorry. What were you thinking of?

The belt of my pants...

Where are you going?

You know where. I feel sick.

Can't you feel sick here?

- Call the conductress. - What conductress?

- She who was here before. - What conductress?

The stupidess! Conductress!

Stupidess! Listen, please!

We're stewardesses, sir! - Quite, like I said?

- Stupidess. - If I'm mistaken, I'm so sorry.

My friend, you know, he feels unwell.

- I'll go get the bags. - Now they're bringing you a bag.

It'll pass... it'll pa... pass away.

Oh, my God! Wait!

- Here, sorry. come on. - What are you doing?

- My friend is sick. - In my hat?

- Want him to do it in my hat? - Right in my hat?

But in my hat? A nice guy you are!

- You're a nice guy! - But do me a favour!

- Leave my hat. - Let go of the hat or I'll...

- I'll sound the alarm. - I don't care if you do...

Let go of the hat. It's called human solidarity.

Is this human solidarity according to you?

It's democracy? This is a left turn!

But do me a favour! Move to the right and take the train!

Take it, take it! That's it.

Look at that guy!

I'm a man of principle.

I've changed my mind. Come on! I order you!

What are you doing?

Let me keep this hat!

Who are you fooling with? Me?

Shut up! You don't know who you're talking to!

You don't know who I am!

- Here they are bags. - The bags...

In your pocket, don't be such a pain and let's travel in peace.

No, I'm not staying here. Conductress?

- Yes? - Please stop, I want to get off..

I think you're joking.

What are you thinking of? Is this the time for joking?

Want to make me ill, to kill me?

Want to give me a heart attack?

- I feel ill. - You mustn't feel ill...

Don't think of it, then you'll not feel bad,

Think what you're doing to me. Okay?

I'm always making sacrifices for you.

Always that...

- Always! - That.

- "That" I tell you. - You say what?

No, shut up. It's clear, eh?

Nice tan eh?... Curly, Rimini...

Therefore... get it into your head, don't make me mad,

I don't want that... this foreigner understands us...

Right up to Hong Kong, we never stop.

I'll tell you something, if we weren't understood in Europe,

how will they understand us in Asia?

But how... you'll be the death of me.

But then Marco Polo to you...

keeps still with his head but rolls his eyes!

Marco Polo to you does not say anything?

Oh no? Says nothing. Marco Polo...

went to Asia the court of the Great Khan,

without a penny. and came back with a million.

And I had a million before going to Asia.

I spent it for you, to put you in this position.

Marco Polo. Do you understand?

Remember who he was? Marco Polo?

With a moustache?

For you everyone has a moustache! He'd no moustache!

He had a beard, rather two.

- Without a moustache? - Without moustache.

- A beard without a moustache... - He had a moustache.

- Aah... - Only one.

- One? - And two beards.

I mean a beard and two moustaches. Half a moustache and bald.

No, he was shaved.

Bravaaa... !

- What was that? - A few words I didn't get...

You're welcome.

He speaking dialect, I studied Chinese.

- Aaahhh, that's it... - Not a word.

- Italians! - Italianissimi.

- Italians abroad. - Me too.

- Where from? - Sicilian!

- Sicilian! - And when d'you arrive?

This very minute!

- Pleasure, - What are you doing here?

We stopped to applaud these beautiful girls, singing.

This gentleman spoke, but some words we didn't understand.

This is Chan Cao Chao.

- And you know what he told you? - What?

- He wants to sell you his daughters. - No!

- These here? - Sell them?

- Are they for sale? - Both of them?

They're so cute! Damn, I'm almost...

I'll buy them both, two together!

- What about me? - What about you?

But what about...

Yes.

Yes, I'll buy them, I'll buy them...

So pretty... are also young eh...

Let's see how old you are...

She's a tiger, she bites.

And how much do you want?

- $500. - Eeh!

- Who's got $500! - Where'll we get $500...

And worth a lot more, but we don't have $500.

We could pay by instalments!

But he also accepts bills of exchange.

- No, even those... - Yes.

But they've got round to them here?

They were invented here... but don't trust them,

- This is a scam. - What?

You pay them, these are sold 4 times, 5 times a day.

You pay, take them away, as soon as your back is turned,

they run back to him.

A shame, but it's a con trick.

A Chinese scam.

I'm sorry.

But what are they saying?

- Hey wait! - Listen, by the way...

- What are you doing here? - I work with radios.

The radio, he could put us on the radio.

- But of course! - What are you thinking?

I make do with radios, transistors, a little smuggling, right!

- If you want I can introduce you. - We are artists.

- Concerts. - I'm honoured! Have you eaten?

- Not yet. - Please, be my guests!

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Look, what a beautiful dog!

- Is it a boy dog? - How do I know,

They don't have... You can't tell them apart.

- Do you like dogs? - Very much.

Come on.

Let's see, let's see.

How beautiful.

- See how many. - What a lot of them...

- Beautiful. - He's a real a dog lover.

We're in China, of course!

It must cost a lot to keep them...

This is a restaurant, they give them the leftovers...

Ah yes.

A dog for three? I don't think so.

If I had to choose, I'd choose one of my own.

Oh no! But it seems once to me,

and he remembers it well, they gave me a mastiff so high,

but it's not important.

- What's that's with the bicarbonate? - You have to choose,

- it's the custom of the place. - Yes? So I choose this one.

This one's mine.

- Ah yes? - How?

- A hotel... the dog, in a hotel? - But they'll take it for a guard dog.

These are Chinese guard dogs.

Yes, we'll sit down.

- It's really Chinese this? - Yeah, why?

No, 'cause my friend in Bergamo said

You get confused... So what's good?

- Pit bull... Pit bull blood? - That would be a species of ox,

No no no, we reject the pit bull.

- Cocker in rice? - Coq, boiled,

coq with rice, I don't feel like rice.

No, I ate the cocker before, I wouldn't recommend it.

No rice, I don't feel like it.

What else is there?

- Collie. - Cauliflower! I'd rather have

- toad in the hole. - And how do you eat it?

You eat the toad and throw away the hole, or you eat the hole

- and throw away the toad. - Oh no, what hole?

The hole you've eaten?

No, then no toad, you put that in your stomach.

Look, do you have a nice plate of things...

- Yes? - With a nice thing...

an outside of thingies, with in the middle a...

a small, a thingamajig that standing up... yes.

- I'm done! - He's done.

Here there are lots of people. Eating.

Would there be something, I don't know, a little...

lighter...

- A little lighter... - Ah lighter!

- What?... Ants? - Boiled?

Boiled ants? You must be kidding?

Next we'll be eating cockroaches, scorpions, bugs,

What kind of a bastard are you? Bringing us here?

Didn't you tell me you love dogs?

But cats and dogs! Are collies, pit bulls dogs?

Are we cannibals?

Where have you brought us you swine?

Think we're dying of hunger?

We're Italians abroad?

- Release those dogs immediately ! - No it's not possible.

Release them or there's be a massacre!

- Oh yes! - No, it's not possible.

- Dirty dog! Free them now! - No, you can't!

- Mimi come! - No, no, no...

What are you doing?

Mush! Mush!!

Aaahh... Fortunately we found this rickshaw,

or we'd have had to walk!

Free?

- I'm free miss. - Take me to the port?

- Immediately, of course. The station. - How, how?

- Sit down, sit down... - Thank you.

Comfy?

Hey! Where are we going?

- I said to the port. - And get a move on.

- What's up? - It's me.

I can't stay in here any more.

- I'm so hungry... - Tell me about it...

By the way why did we sail for America?

Don't you understand anything!

Christopher Columbus...

I don't understand.

I don't understand these antics. We came to America...

to present ourselves to a TV director.

No! You bring me here skittling.

First of all, these aren't skittles.

Do you know the name of this game?

- Bowls. Understand? - Bowls!

- I don't understand you. - Why?

- You're frighten me. - Why?

You're unconscious, you were born so and will die so.

- Why are we here? - Why here?

Who's to say that the President,

of the TV doesn't come here to play,

sees us, and we make a good impression.

- Think so? - Think what!

How do I know I that the President of the Republic

doesn't come here to play, what's-his-name...

- Kennedy! - Kennedy?

- That one... - With the moustache!

All moustaches for you!

- I don't know how to play... - But it's easy, look!

You take your thumb...

and put it in here, see?

Inside so. Then do this, look...

- Follow me, you'll never go wrong. - And the pins?

Down there. Look.

- Oh, where are you? - Here, here.

What did I tell you?

With my system, we arrived in New York to work,

to have the honour of working with Zacharias' orchestra

We're here with him, with... Saccharin.

What Saccharin, stupid! With Sugary!

It doesn't matter. We're signed up with Zacharias.

- Okay, have a seat. - Here?

Thank you.

- Is he sick? - Who?

- Zacharias. - Why ?

- I saw the nurse. - What nurse, he's a doctor!

Here he is, take off your hat.

Good evening, Zacharias.

- Nice to meet you. - Pleasure.

- You're the maestros of bass? - Actually, I'm the Maestro.

He's the second. Maestro, but he doesn't matter.

May I? Nini Chanteclaire.

Domenico Castagna, called Coco Mimi.

- Are you Italian? - Yes, Italian.

I'm happy to have with me Italians,

because Italy is the home of music...

I hope that you'll honour your country!

- Yes, modestly, let's face it! - Yes.

It's true!

Please do not be offended, but I was in Italy,

and Chanteclaire, never heard of him.

But you know how it is, I repulse publicity.

And he, is worse than me! He even more...

- Repulsive! - Repulsive!

It's modesty we want, understand?

For repertoire how are you?

Not bad, we've got a license.

- You know Chopin? - Chopin? Don't know him.

- Do you know Chopin? - Yes, the one with the moustache!

Moustache. I don't know. Without moustache.

Hmmm... and Beethoven's Ninth?

No. The nana of Beethoven, we've not had the pleasure.

His sister. In fact, there's a thing:

He married Beethoven's sister, but you know how it is!

As an unfortunate, without a penny,

the marriage fell through...

I understand, and Bach?

Bach, we know all three:

BACChus, ToBACCo...

and BACK from whence we came.

Come on, come on.

What did I tell you, we made a good impression.

You think?

The laughing eyes! Come on!

Get the instruments, let's go.

Ah! Nein! Nein!

Oh, oh, where are you?

I'm here.

What did I tell you?

You know what...

to me, that Zacharias...

I don't like him one bit.

To me he's just a big head!

Subtitles: Corvusalbus