Original subtitles

Don't look away.

SHE CHORTLES

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Don't put that on telly!

Oo-ar!

I might just do this all day.

TYPEWRITER DINGS

Argh!

This is weird!

KLAXON HONKS

ALL EXCLAIM

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Yes!

My name is Greg Davies,

and this is the Taskmaster grand final!

My goodness, have we all been on a journey together!

Five Phileas Foggs high on adrenaline,

a group of Don Quixotes riding around on the donkey of thrills,

a quintet of David Attenboroughs off their nuts on monkey serotonin.

And I know as well as you

that finishing this series on that last analogy

would do them a disservice,

so let's let them play out the last act themselves.

For the final time, please welcome Amy Gledhill...

...Armando Iannucci...

...Joanna Page...

...Joel Dommett...

...and Kumail Nanjiani.

And next to me, a man who tells me, quite simply,

his ideal holiday is to be a la plage with Nigel Farage...

...it's little Alex Ho-ooo-orne!

Hello. Hello, everyone.

Hello, shoe.

Hello. Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Hello.

Here we are, in the final. Here we are.

What's the last prize task category of this series, Alex?

Well, it has excellence written all over it, Greg,

as they've brought in the object that is most likely to make you say,

"Oh, yeah, that is quality," when you see it.

It's the sort of phrase you might have heard

coming from a gents' toilet,

and also here, because it's the grand final.

The episode winner will take home all five top-quality items,

whereas the series winner, conversely,

will take home that trophy.

Greg. All right, then.

Joel, we'll see if...

"..Ooh, yeah, that is quality..."

...comes out or not.

That suits you more than your own voice.

This character? Yeah.

This is a new character, I've just made him up.

Oh, Dave.

Oh, let's have a look. Ah!

So I went through a phase -

I was, like, 18 -

where I thought, "I'm going to be a rapper,"

so I wrote and recorded some rap songs...

Oh, wow!

...and this is a genuine song that I wrote, called Limelight.

Here's Joel's song.

♪ But that's what you get for wanting limelight

♪ The lime is bitter but the light is bright

♪ Safe. ♪

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Oh, my God. Yeah.

That is the first time this series

that my testicles have fully gone inside my body.

LAUGHTER

It's a start. It's a start. OK.

You haven't said whether it's quality or not.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think it was all right.

OK.

OK, Amy.

Amy, hello. Hello.

I have brought in some quality Hornsea pottery.

No...

I don't think Dave's going to like this one.

This is what she's brought in.

Oh. Ohh!

Don't laugh at that, Kumail!

This is... This is actually very quality stuff.

So this is made in Hornsea, where I went to school... Mm-hm.

...and Hornsea Pottery made the town all famous,

and now, this stuff's...

Can you please stop laughing?

It's quality ceramics. It's famously durable.

Let's ask Dave.

Oh, no, I don't like Dave!

I think it's toilet.

Aw! Ah.

Joanna.

I have brought in my Tom Jones Does Country And Western record.

Have a look and react. Wow.

Wow. Oh! Right.

You've got Tom Jones.

I've never met a man,

until actually sitting opposite you, Greg,

that emanates such raw sexuality as Tom Jones.

Keep talking.

He is raw, he is male, he is sexual.

It seeps out of him. Oh, my God.

That, right? I imagine it literally does, actually.

I think it does. That, right? It's not just that, right?

He is on a horse,

his shirt is open,

you can see his chest hair,

and he's wearing a Stetson,

and I'm sorry, right? But I look at that and I go,

"Oh, yeah, THAT is quality."

Mm-hm. Yeah. Good.

Well, I hadn't expected it to be

quite so flagrantly sexual from Joanna... Mm-hm.

...but why not? Why not, indeed.

Oh, I wonder what Dave will think of that, though.

Yeah, fair play - He's a Welsh stallion.

Armando.

Well, my eldest got my wife this for Christmas.

When we turned it on,

it transformed our lives.

Just... It's a very simple thing.

Take a look at this.

It looks like a normal sellotape dispenser.

Watch this.

ALEX GASPS

Ooh, that is good.

Ooh-whoa! Yeah. Nice.

That got me going... Yeah. ..the way that Tom Jones gets you going.

LAUGHTER Yep.

That is... That is life-changing.

Yeah.

And you can specify the length and... Oh.

You've picked your audience very nicely there.

I shall be buying one of those tonight.

Ah, Kumail, welcome. Hi.

What have you brought?

Greg... Yeah?

AMY GASPS - Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

Finally. Oh, my God.

Is it a T-shirt with a koala bear on it?

It is a koala tee!

AUDIENCE GROANS

It is undeniably... A koala tee.

He's good.

He's fucking good.

OK. Are we ready to score?

Amy, I'm sorry,

I'm giving you one point for your pottery...

I thought that was beautiful. ...and that's that. One point.

I'm giving koala tee two points... Whoa!

...and he can thank me for it.

I don't give a shit.

Two points to Kumail.

You don't bring a pun T-shirt onto this show!

Joel, I have to put you in the middle

because I don't know whether it was quality

or whether I just want to help you.

Three points. Safe.

Tom Jones... Thank you.

I've never seen a woman so horny in my life.

Four points.

But, you know, he's playing to his audience. Wow.

I want that tape dispenser. Yes! Five points to Armando.

Armando Iannucci wins.

All right. All right.

What's first to kick off this glossy spectacle?

It's a great question,

and it's a blast from the past, Greg,

because the egg cup is back.

Whoo!

And once more... Ooh, 12 people love it!

And once more, it needs filling,

but with what? GASPING

Hello. Hi, Amy. Hi.

Hello. Ah! Hello, Joanna. Ooh.

Hello. Armando.

Are there many Armandos?

There are a few.

Only I know where they are.

Lint roller.

Ooh, that's a sticky thing.

May I? Yes.

Should I? OK.

ARMANDO CLEARS THROAT "Fill this egg cup..."

"..with lint."

"You have ten minutes, and the egg cup must stay in the lab."

"Also, you must stop this clock at exactly ten seconds..."

"..at some point during the second half of your attempt,

"otherwise you are disqualified.

"Most lint wins."

"Your time starts now."

Right, so I need to gather lint first of all,

start the clock, and halfway through it...

Over halfway through it,

stop it for ten seconds

and then start it again, yeah?

Well, I don't think so, but... No?!

That stops the clock,

that gets the lint,

that collects the lint.

OK, let's collect some lint.

Wow. Yeah.

Joel confounded expectations - he understood the task... Yeah.

...he explained it and he got on with it.

Meanwhile, Armando's brain folded in on itself.

Yeah. LAUGHTER

Yes! Funny little cultural differences

between England and Wales, isn't it?

We call it a lint roller

and you call it a "sticky thing," is it?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

Right, well, first to try and locate a load of lint

are Amy and Kumail.

Am I linty? Oh, I'm not linty!

Argh.

Oh!

There's no lint anywhere.

What is the definition of lint?

Would you like me to look it up?

Yeah, unless you know it off the top of your head.

Oh, my God, I'm lint-less.

KEYPAD CLICKS

Could you type a little faster?

Time is running out. I've got the definition of lint for you.

It's a noun.

Speak faster. Right, sorry.

Nothing in the world has lint.

Lint's a myth!

Is there another definition of lint that I don't know about?

No. So it is just lint?

Fuzz, fluff, fibres, hair, dust, fur. Hair?

Well, anything that...

Hair? ..bundles up.

I mean, hair is hair.

I don't think you're going to be happy about this.

AUDIENCE GASPS

So what's the difference between lint and fur?

This is not fur because this is not a real animal.

HAIR RIPS

Ohh!

Is that lint or is that hair? Lint?

If it's not a real animal, it's lint.

You could have clothes with this.

Do you think they've made a cat out of lint?

You think they make jackets out of lint? No, they don't.

When stuff comes off a jacket, it's lint.

Stuff comes off a sweater, it's lint.

Stuff comes off a stuffed cat,

it's lint.

OK. You've got four minutes.

I need a little victory here.

Oo-ah!

Argh!

So I'm disqualified? I don't know.

Is there a reset?

I mean, there normally is, isn't there?

Thank God.

Yay!

APPLAUSE

Here we go. Oh, w...

Do you know? There's never lint when you want it.

Do you know who's gonna be good at this?

People that have pets,

and they've got all shit on them.

OK, there we go.

Here, kitty.

Oh, there's so much lint!

I can't believe I'm just doing this now.

I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of the day

without a sock. WHISTLE BLOWS

That is one egg cup full of lint.

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

It's a good start. Solid.

Was it a good start?

Well, they got something in the egg cup.

Oh, yeah, something went in, all right.

I found it fascinating that Alex told you that hair wasn't lint,

and then you just carried on pulling your hair out,

like a character from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

I think, if you look,

the third definition of lint is,

"Hair mixed with sock."

Ha! Mm. Well, the sock was certainly better.

The definition I've got is, "Short, fine fibres

"that separate from the surface of cloth."

It doesn't mention,

"Off the surface of a head or a cat."

Well, it's...

I... It's not a real cat? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not a real cat,

but according to Alex, that does fit the definition of... Yeah.

There is often hair and fur within lint.

OK. Ooh! Yours is...

ALEX STAMMERS

LAUGHTER

You're fucked, Greg.

I don't know if I'm fucked.

I'm certainly surprised

by your wolf noise!

The sock was much better, I thought.

Mm. That's far more linty. OK. Yeah. Thank you.

We were chatting during that,

and Alex and I think the sock looked a bit grubby, FYI.

OK.

I'll allow them as lint. OK.

Who's next? Well, will his attempt make you vomit?

Let's find out - it's Joel Patrick Dommett.

Where is...? Lint is, like, in...

Got an idea.

Henry, I'm sorry.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Lint.

Oo-er. Oof.

Have you ever put your fingers

into Henry's arsehole?

Right into Henry's butthole, that.

Can I get another egg cup? Sure. Thanks, bud.

Oh, that was close. Yeah. Stop it.

Oh, I've got a real good, like...

Phwoar! JOEL LAUGHS

That's the good stuff right there.

That's from, like, John Robins' bellybutton.

That is Sophie Duker's hair.

How long have I got left?

You've got one minute and one second.

AUDIENCE CHEERS Stop it! Oh!

Congratulations. It's now just lint.

Which is a show that I'm going to be hosting on Channel 5 after this.

Five seconds left. That is lint.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Yep. I'm happy with that, though.

Yeah. That's a lot of lint.

It's interesting to go through

the sort of dregs of the Taskmaster house. Yeah.

It's never been emptied, that,

so thank you, Joel.

Don't lick... AUDIENCE GASPS

Why would you sniff it?

I don't know.

Very good. A lot of lint.

Very good. That's lint.

The hoover was a masterstroke. Incredible.

And you're the only person to have two egg cups.

This could be your finest hour. So far.

Ah. Tell me as Dave.

I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll bring Dave back

just to read out my favourite quote from you during that.

Please do.

Have you ever put your fingers in Henry's arsehole?

OK, there'll be a gap in our programme now

for some adverts.

It's an ugly gap,

but it's not as ugly as the one between Alex's wonky teeth!

APPLAUSE

Hello!

Welcome back to our grand final,

where, to reflect the occasion,

they are trying to fill an egg cup with the most lint,

and now I expect Alex is going to annoy me

with some lint-based puns.

Ooh, I doubt it.

Although, you know, last year,

I did actually give up coffee for lint. Yeah, for lint. Yeah.

It tasted horrible.

Before the break, Joel went to some pretty extreme lint-hs

to fill up his egg cup.

And now, final-lint, are they feeling lucky, punks?

That's a lint Eastwood quote.

It's Joanna and Armando.

I actually don't think

I've got that much on me.

Right, OK.

Is it inappropriate to ask for your bellybuttons?

JOANNA LAUGHS Is there any?

There isn't. I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry that I'm going into your bellybutton!

Mm.

Right, there's not that much lint... Not a lot. ..in there.

Lint - that's... What's lint? It's not a mint.

It's fluff, isn't it? Is it the...?

It's not mint. It's not mint. No. No.

How do you get lint? How do you get lint?

Where is lint?

Is there any lint anywhere?

It's not a drink -

that's Lilt. Lilt.

I've suddenly now just lost the ability to work out language.

It's domestic bumfluff, basically. That's what it is.

OK. I'll be back in a minute. All right, then.

Where the heck do you get lint?

Right, I'm coming in here.

Is there any lint?

I saw, ages ago, right, that, in here...

Here we go. Whoo!

I've got you some lint. Where's that from?

Somewhere in here.

There we are. That's what I was after.

Where did you find that lint? I found that in the living room.

From a task that I did the other day.

And there was a duck,

and there was that lint,

and at the time, I saw it,

and I didn't forget it,

and I kept it in my mind,

and I'm chuffed.

I can see that. SHE CHUCKLES

Ooh, we've got a jumper. How much time?

4 minutes, 15 seconds.

Right, go.

Five, six, seven... Oh, bum!

Oh, my God, that means I've got to count ten

from, like, on that?

I'm not good at maths.

It has to be exactly ten seconds?

Yes. Yes, it very much does.

Two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Oh, my God, my head completely went!

D... Mm.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

JOANNA YELPS

R-ah! Yes! AUDIENCE CHEERS

I flipping did it! I can't believe it.

I think I've peaked. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Very good.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but they're the only two contestants to remember that we'd planted lint

in the building in a previous task. Mmm. Yes.

So, well done for remembering that.

A shame you forgot language and numbers.

But you know when I pressed the buzzer, right?

There was the big number there,

and then the small number was going fast,

and I genuinely... Right?

...I lost my mind.

And that bit on the right was what I thought was the seconds,

first of all, and that's why I was shutting it off so fast.

And then it was all going so fast that I thought,

"I don't know what a second is any more."

Have you been putting drugs in my tea?

And what happened with you, Armando, with language?

For a long time you kept saying, "What's lint? It's not mint."

I know.

There was certainly a hint.

There was more than a hint of lint.

Do you want to see how much all five of them got in their egg cups?

Big time. So, look, all their linty egg cups are here.

Joel managed to fill not just one,

but two egg cups. Mm. Ooh!

Armando's was slightly more than Joanna's in total,

because he managed to use the jumper well.

Kumail, you did get twice as much as Amy.

So it's one point to Amy,

it's two to Kumail, three to Joanna, four to Armando,

but the most lint found was by Mr Joel Dommett.

Yeah. Five points.

You're the king of lint, young man.

On your wedding day as well.

Yeah! Yeah!

It does look like we're getting married. Yeah.

Married. Yeah, it does.

We're the ushers. Yeah.

You're all invited to the reception. Yeah.

What's he or she doing?

I'm their arsehole brother-in-law... Yeah.

...who's doing coke in the toilet.

What a great '90s film you all are.

Let's see the scoreboard, please.

Well, in this episode, we have an outright leader.

He's wearing a kilt - it's Armando, on nine points!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Wow. Oh, my God.

Have you got something else lined up for us, Alex?

Do I? Yes, I do.

But look out, Greg! Ah!

Hello. Joanna.

Hi. Hello there.

No.

That's always been there, hasn't it?

Ooh, that was close.

Whoa, that was close!

Ooh.

Ah! Very close shave.

Ooh! Ooh, that was close.

It's for you. Was it from that plane? Yeah.

Yeah, that's how we deliver them now. Yep.

OK.

"Have the most exhilarating near miss

"with this paint balloon."

"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."

Oh, I'm excited for this.

This is right up my street.

It's very full.

Ooh.

Yeah, that's gonna go any minute.

SHE LAUGHS

It could be a near miss AT me,

or it could be a near miss FROM me...

Yes. ...to anyone who co-hosts this show.

I'll take that. Yeah.

I want to get hit by it.

It's heavy. Why do you want to get hit by it, Jo?

Cos it'd be fun, wouldn't it? Yeah.

I've never been hit by a bowl full of paint before.

Yes. It's not a bowl.

It's a balloon. OK.

And it's actual paint? What do you mean?

It's, like, real, like, wall paint?

Are you going out later?

I plan to.

Well, you've got to miss.

APPLAUSE

Wow.

Good. Well, I think we just need to see it, don't we? Yeah.

I want to see them almost get hit by a load of paint.

OK, well, it is the co-host of Taskmaster here, telling you...

Yes, I did notice that and I was irritated.

He's my assistant. Carry on.

Well, the first two to try and have the most exhilarating near miss

are Armando and Joanna.

Right.

I'm on my way to a recorder conference.

The only rule is... Two rules -

bring a recorder and don't have any paint on you.

If I got hit by paint, you know,

metres away from the recorder conference,

that would be awful,

but if I managed to fend off the paint attack,

that'd be quite exhilarating, wouldn't it?

Yeah? There's your backstory. OK.

There we go. Yeah.

JOANNA BLOWS HORN

Alex!

THEY GRUNT

Right.

RECORDER PLAYS

ARMANDO GRUNTS

JOANNA ROARS

AUDIENCE GASPS

That was a near miss!

That was amazing.

That was a near miss.

There we are. My job's done.

Wow. I know it got me just a bit, but... Oh, yeah.

But look at this - it just missed the hedgehog.

Thank God. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Good.

That way. Yes. Thank you.

Ha. Watch...

Yeah. Fascinating narrative.

Yeah. Talk me through...

Your character was going to... I was going to a recorder conference...

...a recorder conference... ...hence the recorder.

...and no paints allowed.

We were all sent...

I mean, months ago,

we were sent an envelope with a card saying, "No paint."

Mustn't... It's become very real in your mind, hasn't it,

this conference? Yes.

"Must not have any paint on them whatsoever." Oh, God, no.

You must not. It's to do with the acoustics.

Yes.

And, of course, Joanna had a narrative to hers as well.

What I was doing in the wheelbarrow

with the trumpet, with Alex pushing me,

I'm not sure... Ah!

...but... Sometimes, honesty is the best policy. Yeah.

I'm not sure. I've got a backstory for you... Yes?

...which is, you were on your way to a horn conference.

Don't drag the girl into your madness!

She's already looking for lint in people's bellybuttons.

Shall we see another? Let's see another near miss. OK.

Next, it's one of the buffest guys we've ever had on the show.

"But Armando's already been," I hear you cry.

True, but fortunately, we also have

Joel Dommett.

Three...

...two,

one.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Did it work?

Yeah, I missed you.

Yes!

It really is a HIGH five.

Pretty good. Yeah. It's pretty good. Yes!

Speaking plainly,

you have been consistently awful in this show...

...but that, my friend, was a goddamn work of art, I thought.

Yes. I didn't even want to know the narrative.

I didn't even know if he was on his way to a bath conference.

I didn't even think, like, a narrative was an option.

Just, like make a near miss, that's a near miss.

When they started going down the narrative route,

I was like, "Maybe I've done this wrong." No.

It turns out - narrative is fucking stupid.

OK. Right, one more before the break. Mm.

Next, it's actually the buffest guy we've ever had on the show.

JOEL LAUGHS It is Kumail Nanjiani.

AUDIENCE OOHING & AHHING

AUDIENCE GASPS

Oh!

Oh!

SLOW-MO: Oh!

So did it go to plan?

No. It...

It hit me in the centre of my body.

You call it the centre of your body?

Yeah, I think so. I'm pretty symmetric.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

It was exhilarating.

I mean, real Hollywood stuff for some of it.

For a bit of it, yeah.

It's a near miss in that it nearly missed my penis.

I mean, that's what happened, ultimately.

It was, "Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood..."

"Oh, he's taken a balloon to the dick."

That's us halfway through this final, and weirdly,

Alex has asked to speak.

Right, here we go. Yeah.

So, hello, everyone.

I just wanted to say, er,

I've loved every second of every series Taskmaster

has brought me, and you, hopefully.

It's been the centre of my life for so long now,

but I feel now is the right time for me to move on,

to try something different,

and so, sadly, this will be my final episode.

So...

Aw!

W-ah! W-ah!

As if. As if!

This is all he's got. It's all I've got.

We'll see you in a minute.

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Welcome back!

The final is rapidly drawing to a close,

but there's still work to be done. Yes, indeed.

The current task involves having an exhilarating near miss.

Yes, it's a light entertainment version of the Cuban Missile Crisis.

There's only one person left to go.

It must be near Miss Amy Gledhill.

Hello. Hello.

Hit me with it.

OK.

Where should I aim?

Right between the eyes.

Yes, please. Yes.

OK, right.

Are you ready?

One, two, three.

Go.

AUDIENCE GASPS

That was a near miss. Yeah, got away with that.

Yeah. I think that went very well.

Are you there?

There he is. Hello! AMY LAUGHS

Thanks, Amy. Thank you.

So close.

I've seen it and I still don't understand how that happened.

I think it was you hitting it with the frying pan.

See, it was right up there with Joel, visually, though, I thought.

It was spectacular, but, you know, obviously,

a complete failure.

OK, so I want to reward exhilarating

even if it was, well...

...rubbish...

Right. ..so I'm going to give two points to Kumail

and two points to Amy,

just because I enjoyed the visual stunning-ness of it. Aw.

It was exhilarating.

I get two points for all that?

Yep. Mm-hm. Thank you.

You and your dick are welcome.

I'm giving Joanna three points -

it was a beautiful near miss.

But Armando somehow won me over

with this ridiculous, convoluted story arc,

so three points to Joanna, four points to Armando.

And sometimes you just have to say, "Well, it was a work of art."

Joel Dommett takes five points. Very good.

I'm afraid the time has come for me

to request the last pre-filmed task of the series.

Aw!

And I must give you that task, and it shall be a team one.

Ooh. And just like Greg,

it really is a big softie.

DOOR CREAKS

Oh! Hey, Alex. Oh.

Alex. Hello!

Hello, Joanna. Ah, good, pillows.

Hello, Armando. Hello. Hello, Alex.

OK. Ooh. Three pillows.

Maybe it's a sleeping task. Do you want to read?

Oh, yes, please.

Right. Yes.

"Choreograph and carry out..."

"..the greatest pillow fight of all time." Yes!

"Greatest pillow fight of all time wins."

"You have 20 minutes."

"Your time starts now." This is great. We've got

a bona fide action star with us. AMY SQUEALS

We don't have to do it in here, do we?

Well, I know. I don't suppose we do, do we?

Should we do it at, like...

Coming at each other from a great distance?

Yeah, that would be good.

All right. Well, let's take these pillows

and start finding a good venue for it.

Right, we need a battering ram and then some form of catapult. Yes.

I'm excited... Of course.

...especially now I know there's going to be catapults

and battering rams involved.

Let's have a look. Yes.

They were ambitious, and for the last time, then,

it is Armando and Joanna.

I challenge you to pillow combat.

Unleash the cata-pillows!

YELLING

Company, we're being scatter-cushioned

by the mad, cackling moss-lady across the valley.

Hold the line

while I unleash the power of a cushion cannon!

Fire one!

LOUD BOOM Ahh!

Fire two!

JOANNA SCREAMS We might as well do a third one.

JOANNA SCREAMS, SNARLS

Is there a four? LIGHTER CLICKS

No, there isn't a four.

Bash his walls in with my battering ram,

made from my hardest memory foam.

Hold fire!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

ARMANDO CHUCKLES

You will taste...

Hang on. ARMANDO CLEARS THROAT

You will taste the soft, fluffy underside of my lance.

BOTH YELL

Eh! JOANNA GRUNTS

Ahh! JOANNA ROARS

I shall not yield!

Yield! Ahh! Yield! Do you yield?

I yield!

Let us parley.

I will parley.

Shall we pillow talk?

Let us pillow talk.

ARMANDO GRUNTS

We shouldn't be fighting each other.

No. No.

Look, why don't we join forces? That's a good idea.

We should take down that evil elf that does the Taskmaster's bidding.

You mean The Dark Horne? Oh, yes.

I mean The Dark Horne.

Advance!

Take it, Alex! No, thank you. Take it, Alex! Die!

Death to The Horne! Get The Horne!

Get the clipboard! BOTH YELL

Get it! I've got the clipboard! Got it.

I've got all the other tasks!

Wow.

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

What an epic journey. Wow.

I can't speak for everyone, but I certainly would like to taste

the soft, fluffy underside of Armando's lance.

I wasn't sure what people would say about you

when the series airs, Joanna,

but I think "the cackling moss-lady from across the valley" works.

It had everything, didn't it? Mm.

Two tribes, warring...

Mm. ..violence.

Revenge on the elf.

And then they came together... Yes.

...they formed a coalition... Yeah.

...and then revolution! Yeah. Yes.

Attack The Dark Horne.

And genuine pain, and some allergies.

What an epic film. Mm.

What a team! Well done, you two.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

Thank you. We had a lovely time.

Sadly, there is just one part left of this sweet, sweet series.

Who will lift aloft the tat to my right

and become the latest addition

to an elite group of champions

that Joel Dommett will always wonder

what it's like to be part of.

We'll see you in a bit.

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Hello!

Welcome back to the final part of our grand final.

We're currently witnessing the greatest pillow fights of our time.

We've seen one, but there's still one to go.

That is correct, and so, for the final time,

it is fight night with Amy, Joel, and Kumail from way out west. Ooh.

HORSE NEIGHS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

GLASS SMASHES

Ha!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha.

He-he, he-he.

JOEL ROARS

KUMAIL CRIES OUT

KUMAIL SCREAMS JOEL CACKLES

CROW CAWS

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Everybody looked pretty sexy in that, I thought.

It was so fun.

And, look, full credit to Kumail,

cos he just turned so Hollywood so quick. Yeah.

He was, like, unbelievable.

He took the whole thing by the horns.

He was like, "This angle, this angle.

"We're going to do this. This, this, this."

And we were all just like...

It was unbelievable. No...

It was unbelievable. We all... We did.

We did it all! No, me and Joel kept going,

"We're gonna be in a film with Kumail!"

AMY SQUEALS

"Let's put this on our CV!"

Yeah... Yeah, I wouldn't. No.

I... LAUGHTER

I don't know how to score these. Yeah!

Because I enjoyed them both immensely.

Mm. I don't think I've ever done this before.

Ooh.

Trousers down, I think, is it?

I'm giving everyone five points.

Can I...?

Wait.

If you're giving us all five points, you've done nothing.

You might as well give us zero points.

I'm giving everyone five points apart from Kumail...

...who I'm giving zero points.

One final look at the scores.

OK, can you give us five points again

so I can have a more TV-friendly reaction?

OK. No!

LAUGHTER

No. I want everyone to see how mean-spirited you are.

One final look at the meaningless scores, then. Yes.

Of course, Greg. Oh!

Oh! Ooh.

This is typical. It's a deep pocket!

JOEL GROANS

Yay! CHEERING, APPLAUSE

But I'm Joel Dommett.

Oh, my God!

We're all Joel Dommett! They've all got eggs!

JOANNA, KUMAIL: I'm Joel Dommett!

Egg. United by egg. APPLAUSE

Aw!

RAUCOUS CHEERING

That would be such a heart-warming moment,

but for me, now that everyone's got an egg,

it's meaningless.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

One final look at the scores? Of course.

Well, the series is hotting up,

the episode even more so.

We have joint leaders -

Armando and Joel are both on 18 points!

Well...

...it genuinely is sad that that's the end of the VTs. Aw.

I'm genuinely sorry to see you go. Oh, well.

OK, everyone, please make your way to the stage

for the final live task of the series!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Wow.

This looks like a hell of a way to go out.

Who will be reading the task?

Joel Dommett is going to read the task.

"Chuck your duck in your buck.

"You must sit on your chair at all times,

"and you must not touch the ground

"or anything other than your chair or duck with any part of your body.

"Fastest wins."

OK. So it says, "Chuck your duck into your buck."

By "chuck" we mean "put," but that doesn't rhyme with "duck,"

and by "buck" we mean "bucket," but we don't mean "chuck."

Just put your duck in the bucket - that's what you've got to do.

Greg, they are under starter's orders and you are the starter.

Three, two, one.

B-ah! And they're off.

CHEERING JOANNA SCREAMS

Nearly touched the ground.

GRUNTING, SCREAMING

And Joel's in the lead.

JOANNA LAUGHS

Kumail's coming. Kumail's overtaking Joel.

KUMAIL YELLS They're almost there.

Yes!

GRUNTING, SCREAMING

And Joel's won!

Kumail's second.

Amy's almost there. Ooh! JOANNA LAUGHS

CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Amy's there.

JOANNA LAUGHS

Armando versus Joanna.

CHEERING

Wait, I...

Yes! Yes!

BUCKET CLANGS CHEERING

Wow.

ALEX SIGHS

Come down here and we'll add that to the final scores!

Very good.

Wow. Wow.

Yeah, wow. That was good.

I mean, what an end to the series Joel Dommett's had.

- That... Whoo! - Oh. Oh! CHEERING

He powered to victory. You...

You came in strong at the end. Yep.

I'm better in a suit, I think.

I think that might be it.

You chucked your duck in the buck first,

you got five points.

And so the final scores of this episode are,

Armando in second place with 20,

but the winner, with 23 points, is Joel Dommett.

RAUCOUS CHEERING

Joel Dommett wins the episode!

You've qualified to collect your quality collection!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Ohh!

The time has come once again to crown a new champion.

It's been an exceptional series.

They all deserve so much respect

for their careers outside of this programme,

but the last ten weeks have been a pure joy.

So now we must find out the final scores

with my good, good boy,

little Alex Horne.

I'm a 47-year-old man.

So, Greg, in last place...

...but not nearly as last place as we thought for quite a long time,

it's Joel Dommett with 150 points.

Yeah.

And just five points ahead of Joel,

with 155 points,

it's Amy Gledhill!

Yeah.

160 points to somebody

who quibbled more than the others, and we love him for it -

it's Kumail Nanjiani!

So here we go.

It's someone in the team of two that wins.

GASPING - Ooh. - With 161 points,

our second-place person is

Armando Iannucci!

And so the winner got 165 points, Greg. Yes.

And that winner is...

Joanna Page!

The new Taskmaster champion is Joanna Page!

I'm gonna do my power stance.

Thank you! Congratulations.

It's yours.

Whoo! JOANNA LAUGHS

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

JOANNA SHRIEKS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media