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Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage
Paul Smith.

Yes.

Hello, Dublin!

You big sexy
bastards. How are we?

Thank you all for coming
to my show.

I really appreciate it.
There’s a lot of people here.

Some of you have got
no fucking idea who I am.

Yeah. That’s fine.
If that’s you, don’t--

Don’t feel bad.
Thank you for coming.

Maybe you took a chance on it,

which is lovely
if you’ve done that.

Thank you very much. Most
likely, though, what’s happened,

someone’s had a spare ticket
last minute,

someone couldn’t make it,
and someone’s gone,

"Do you wanna come and
watch this lad off TikTok?"

And you’d be like,
"Yeah, that’s nice."

"Oh, you, what you do?"

And you brought your fucking
Nan along or something,

thinking that was gonna be
a good idea.

But then I’m just gonna call
this woman a slag

for half an hour.

And the rest
of the show

is just about me dick
and cocaine.

I’m very sorry for calling you
a slag there, love.

I, uh...
It was nothing personal, that.

I just... I just,

I just had to pick someone
for that little admin bit.

That was not...
I just glanced down,

and you had leopard prints on,
and I was like...

You don’t look like
you haven’t been fingered,

do you know what I mean, like?

Why did you just smell
your fingers there, love?

Oh, deary me.

So, I’m sorry.
That was nothing personal.

I don’t know if you are a slag.

I don’t know if you’re not
a slag. If you’re not--

if you are a slag as well,
it’s 2025.

That’s up to you as well.
I fully support that.

It’s your body,
it’s your choice.

I’m not here to judge you.

If you wanna go
full Bonnie Blue

and take a thousand dicks
in a day, that is up to you.

And I stand behind you.
If you wanna do that,

I’ll be right there behind you
doing that.

What’s your name, love?

Niamh.

Niamh. Nee-ha-ham.

Hiya, Nee-ha-ham.

How are you, mate?
You had a good day?

- Yeah.
- Did you?

What made you pick
the leopard print?

Did you just, you just like it?

- Comfy.
- It’s comfy?

Oh, so the pattern makes it
more comfortable?

No! You could’ve
got black ones.

You thought,
"No, do you know what?"

"Slag legs!"

What do you do, Nee-ham?

- Nothing.
- You don’t do fuck all?

- You have got a job?
- I do.

What’s your job, mate?
Why did you lie?

Are you on the sick?

Is that why your legs are
camouflaged?

You’re in a wheelchair also?

"Quick, Mammy,
get me wheelchair!"

"I didn’t know there was going
to be cameras here."

What’s your job, mate?

I work in sales.

You work in sales?
What do you sell?

Furniture.

Furniture? Ooh!

Couches and that?

- Couches.
- Ooh!

How big-- Is it a big retailer?

- Yeah, big enough.
- Big enough?

You’re being very sketchy.

Who is it, mate?

- What?
- EZ living.

EZ living. All right, love.
Fucking calm down.

Fuck are you shouting
at me for, you cheeky bitch?

Don’t start getting lippy
with me.

Fucking having an attitude
with me, you little dickhead.

How do you two know each other?

- Mum.
- Are you the mum?

Oh, shit. Sorry.

- Did you know she was a slag?
- No!

I’m joking.
She’s not.

She’s a nice girl.
She sells couches.

Sells beds as well,
most likely.

I’ve tested these ones
extensively.

I’ll get you a fresh one.

Cos she gets shagged
all the time.

Yeah, I’m sure she doesn’t. I’m
sure she’s very frigid. Erm...

- What’s your name, Mum?
- Evelyn.

Evelyn. Lovely to meet you,
Evelyn.

Er... what’ve you been doing
today, mate?

Celebrating my birthday.

Just celebrating your birthday?
It’s your birthday today?

Happy birthday, Evelyn.

Yay!

Ah, that’s lovely. What did you
get for your birthday?

Tickets to see you.

Just tickets to see me
for your birthday?

Oh, that’s, that’s dead nice.
That’s good, isn’t it? Aw.

- My 70th.
- You’re 70?

Well done, Evelyn.

Fair play. I still would.

Obviously if I weren’t married
and that,

I’m happily married
and stuff like that.

I’ve got a beautiful wife
at home, you know?

But if that wasn’t the case,

know what I mean, I could be
your new dad and you...

And I tell you what, if I was,
you’d be fucking less lippy

and you wouldn’t be walking
round

looking like a fucking slag.

Do you know him?

Do you know him?
Do you know him?

- My husband.
- That’s your husband?

Shit. Sorry.

What’s your name?

- What’s your name?
- I can’t hear you.

You can’t hear me.
You’re not deaf, are you?

Can’t do that again, mate.

I’ve done that one.
It’s on Tik Tok.

He wasn’t fucking deaf, him,
by the way.

I just wanna clear my name
on that shit.

If you haven’t fucking seen
that, right,

there’s a clip online
when I say to some fella,

"Hiya, what do you do?"

He starts giving it
fucking this, right?

I knew it wasn’t real sign
language,

but I don’t know enough
sign language

to catch the cunt out,
so I was just like...

So I just asked him and went,
"Mate, are you deaf?"

Cos I thought in my head,
I was like,

if you’re not deaf
and you pretend to be deaf

for some reason,
thinking that’s funny,

and someone questions you,
you just let it go.

You know what I mean, you’d
go, "Nah, I’m only messing".

Would he fuck let it go.

Fair play. I respect it.

He stuck to his guns
and just carried on doing this.

And then I look like a prick
then, don’t I?

Cos I was like,
"Why the fuck are you here?"

Which... that does sound like a
horrible question, I know that.

But in the moment,
I just didn’t get

how he was gonna
follow the show

cos there’s no fucking
subtitles in real life.

And then his missus chipped in.
"He can lip read."

You can’t lip read me.
I’m Scouse.

People who can hear me
can’t understand me.

Fucking prick.

You see, it took me an hour
to catch him out.

An hour of his life, he spent
just fucking giving it this.

And the only way
I caught him out, mate,

he was sat over there, where
you are, fella, with the beard.

Sat, like, right where you are.

I kept having to do jokes
at this side of the room

and cover my mouth
so I knew he couldn’t see it.

And just wait for him to laugh.
I’d go,

"I saw you laugh at that,
you cunt!"

It was a fucking nightmare.

The one who come
in the wheelchair,

he was fucked though.
That was real.

You all right, mate?
You’re ready for me.

You look fuck-- Yeah.
You haven’t...

He hasn’t, he hasn’t moved
since, like--

He was just being, like...

You look like
a fucking Action Man that’s broke.

You know...
You know, like, when you go down the charity shop

and it’s just an old Action Man
just lying there.

All right, fella. You OK?

You don’t look comfy at all
there, son. You all right?

- Got a bad back or something?
- My legs.

It’s just your legs.

They don’t fit your body.
It’s weird.

They don’t.

Yeah, man. What’s your name?

- Troy.
- Roy? Roy!

- Troy!
- Oh, Troy. All right, mate.

- What do you do, Troy?
- Fix coffee machines.

You fix coffee machines?

What a weird profession.

How’d you get into that?

Just fucking hate
broke coffee machine?

Straight out of school...

Just stayed in there, straight
out of school.

Get in there,
get your little...

Ah, your fucking steam is broke
on that, bro.

That’s not gonna--
That’s not gonna get your milk

to your temperature there.
I’m gonna have to fucking--

That’s gonna need a new part.
That’s not-- That’s gonna run--

That’s gonna run you
a fine few quid there.

You gotta make the money...

You gotta make the money,
haven’t you, kid. You’re right.

You look terrified there, love.
You all right?

- Are you OK?
- Yeah.

- Are you with Troy, are you?
- I am.

That’s my ma.

I was gonna say.

There was...
You don’t wanna say, do you?

You don’t wanna go, cos I don’t
wanna go,

"Is that your mum?"

and you’re like,
"That’s my fucking wife, that."

She fixed my fucking
steam, and I’ll tell you that.

Oh, shit. I’m sorry.

Everyone’s out with their mum.

That’s nice, innit?
Little mummy. Oh, that’s good.

- What’s your name, mum?
- Michelle.

Hiya, Michelle.
You had a good day?

- Great day.
- Did you know

- you were gonna be sat there?
- I did.

Cos you don’t-- You did?

So you prepared for this
mentally?

Cos you look
absolutely fucking terrified.

Like, Troy’s all right.
He sat there going,

"I think I gonna tell him
about coffee machines."

It’s gonna be fucking funny.

And you’re just, like, "Oh,
fuck."

"Why have you fucking
done this to me, son?"

"I’m gonna be after me having
a fucking heart attack."

What do you do, Michelle?

Absolutely nothing.

Don’t do fuck all?

Nice, mate.

Youse going out later?

No, school night.

School night? Oh, fuck off!

Michelle, you out
with me and Evelyn,

getting on the Charlie?

I’m gonna wake up next to some
wrinkly tits tomorrow, me.

Tryna do a bump
off your nipples

and it keeps falling off.

Ah, fucking hell.
Evelyn, stay still.

Come on, pop it on your knee,
Evelyn. Pop it on your knee.

Oh, I’m a bad guy.

Shit, man. I do worry
about this, you know,

because this is, like, this,
this is quite big.

It’s important.
And I don’t--

I worry I’m gonna
get cancelled. That’s my fucking thing.

Like, I worry I’m just gonna...

I’m just gonna make it,
and then I’m gonna get canceled

by some cunts, and I’m gonna
fucking like,

I really tried
to be less of a cunt, I have.

I’ve tried.

It just doesn’t work for me.
It’s scary.

And honestly,
the disabled community,

they’re fucking... are coming
after me now.

It’s a terrifying thing, that,
you know,

you don’t think it’s as scary
as it’s gonna be

cos there’s some clips
that I’ve picked on disabled people

and that, but that’s
not my fault.

They keep sitting them
at the front,

all the fucking disabled seats
are at the front.

I don’t know they’re disabled
until I start talking to them

and then what the fuck
am I supposed to do?

Stop talking to them
cos they’re disabled?

I don’t know,
know what I mean? -

And now they’re
coming after me.

I mean, they’re not going
to catch me, obviously,

but they are coming.

Do you know what the thing is,
right?

I didn’t expect
any of this to happen.

This is still
a fucking surprise to me.

Like, honestly, the fact
that you’re all here

still fucking shocks the life
out of me

cos I’ve done this a long...

Thank you. Thank you.

I’ve done this a long time.

And like near 20 years
I’ve been doing comedy,

20 years this year,
and for most of that time,

no one had
a fucking clue who I was.

I was just I was the host
of a comedy club in Liverpool

called Hot Water Comedy.

Yeah. Should cheer.

You should cheer.
It’s the greatest comedy club

in the world.
It’s an amazing place.

I used to love that job as well
because my job was just...

I was the host of the show,
so I’d go on.

They have like three comedians
on and I’d go on at the start.

And in between the acts.
"Hiya, what do you do?"

"You’re a pedophile. Ha!"

I never liked it, but no one
had a clue who I was.

I was never getting
on the telly or anything.

And then the fella who owns
that comedy club, my good mate,

was like," I’m going to put
some cameras in and film this

and put it on the internet."

And I was like,
"No one’s going to watch that."

I was incorrect.

Turns out
it’s very, very popular.

And I’m not knocking that.
I’m very lucky.

I get to go all over the world
doing this. I’m very blessed.

But there is a downside,
and that is this.

Don’t let kids
in the comedy club.

Now I’ve got ten-year-olds
following me on TikTok.

And I don’t know
what to do about that.

That is a terrifying thing,
mate.

I’m like, do you know what,

I had a frightening moment
with a ten year old.

Skidded up to me in McDonald’s
car park on a fucking BMX.

Skidded up.

"You’re that one off TikTok
who talks about doing DMT."

He went, "I can’t wait
to meet the Rainbow Serpent."

I was like, "Oh, for fuck’s
sake! No!"

Yes, see, this is... Right.

The people who’ve whoo’d that,

you’re the audience
I wanted for that bit.

Like, if you don’t know what
I’m on about, I did, I took DMT.

It’s a heavy psychedelic.

I took it a while ago,
and I did a bit about it

in one of my other shows,
and I put that bit out

and it went quite viral and
loads of people have watched it.

And I was quite happy
about that,

because I’ve talked
about lots of drugs on stage

and in my shows and stuff,

and I do worry that I’m, like,

sending the wrong message
out there,

because I’ve talked about
cocaine

and fucking MDMA
and all that shit.

And at least with DMT,
I had the spiritual experience

and I thought, "Yes,

I’ll lead other people to have
a spiritual experience as well."

What a beautiful thing to do.

No. What’s actually happened
is I’ve got ten-year-olds doing

heavy psychedelics
because of me

probably having complete
fucking psychological breakdowns.

They’d be better off
on cocaine, if I’m honest.

Fucking gutted, I’m absolutely
gutted about it.

I don’t I don’t want
to be a role model.

I can’t be a role model.

I didn’t sign up for that.
That’s not fucking...

That’s not fair.

I don’t think I’m a bad person,
but I’m a bit of a wreckhead

and I’ve been very open
about that.

I’ve been too honest about it.
Not even in shows.

Like, if you go back a couple
of years on my Instagram,

there’s a lot of footage
of me topless in my kitchen

on loads of MDMA,
just DJing on Instagram Live.

Don’t whoo, by the way. No,
that wasn’t a good fucking...

It was a bad phase.

One of my mates
should have just fucking kicked my door in

and had an intervention
or something.

I can’t even DJ.
That’s the worst thing about it.

I cannot DJ. What...
Here’s how fucking lazy I am.

I bought a set of decks. Right?

And... cos I have a new hobby
every 15 minutes, right?

I thought I’m going
to be a DJ, right?

I bought a set of decks,
and I didn’t realise

how fucking hard it was.
Turns out it’s very difficult.

So instead of learning
what all the buttons do,

I thought I’ll just bang
a load of MDMA

and everything will sound
fucking fantastic.

And you know what?

That works
a little bit too well,

because everything
sounded amazing.

I was like,
well, I am quite clearly

a fucking genius, aren’t I?

The world needs to share this.

And I went on Instagram Live
two o’clock in the morning

to thousands of people going,

"Get on this mix, everyone."

Just sliding the little slider
back and forth,

just changing the song.

Oh, fucking idiot, man.

I tried to... I’ve tried
to be better as well.

I’ve tried, man.

I’ve really... I’ve tried
to get in shape and stuff.

Shit, I got, I got in shape
for about two minutes,

took a picture.

I’m happy with that.

And I’m never going back.
I’m never going back.

There’s people in here
with abs,

and you’re fucking lying
to everyone.

You know it’s shit.
Stop lying to everyone.

Fucking jabbing Ozempic
in yourself every 2.5 minutes,

weighing your chicken
every fucking half an hour.

Go and fuck yourself, you...
Miserable existence.

Have a pint and fuck off.

I bought an ice bath.
That’s how serious I went.

I bought a fucking ice bath.

I... Don’t whoop that.
Again, I’ve got to apologize.

If you whoop there, you’ve got
one and you’re a cunt as well.

I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.

No, I want to...
I want to get this off my chest.

To anyone who follows me
on Instagram, if you’ve seen me

on Instagram in that ice bath,

acting like I’m better
than you, I am sorry.

Cos I’m a fucking fraud.
I’m a fraud.

I’m a piece of shit.
I’m a liar.

Like, it’s a real ice bath,
don’t get me wrong.

And it is cold.

But the reason is not
hashtag Team Fresh.

If you’ve seen me
in that ice bath,

the reason was most likely

because I had a show
in two hours time,

and I was up till eight o’clock
in the morning on a charlie.

And I’m just trying to
get my fucking head together.

Just dunking my head
in ice water.

Trying to get
any bit of dopamine

out of my stupid
fucking sponge of a brain.

"Help me.
I need to feel happy."

Oh, God. It really
fucking worries me, man.

I...I... My school,
I left school a long time ago.

I left school about 27 years
ago, and I didn’t do well.

I started smoking weed
when I was 12. Yeah.

It makes sense now, doesn’t it?

I smoked weed pretty much
every day through school,

thought it was
cool as fuck, and I left with one qualification

and there was a D in RE,
and that was not good, is it?

Fucking... Do you know what?

My school, my school
last year emailed me going,

"Ah, you’re one of our
most successful alumni."

I had to Google
what that meant, by the way.

They went, "Do you want to come
in and give a talk to the kids?"

I was like, "No."

Abso-f... Absolutely not.

That is the stupidest
fucking idea.

What a ridiculous thing to do.

Because I... The thing is,

this has worked out
very well for me, hasn’t it?

But I’ve got to be the anomaly.

I’ve got to be an exception
to the rule.

I can’t be going into them kids
in good faith and being like,

"Listen, kids, just, like,
fuck your exams off."

"Smoke weed and be funny.
It will work out."

Oh, God.
I just can’t do it, man.

It’s full of shit, innit?

That’s why...
that’s why I don’t go on podcasts and that.

Like, people ask me
to go on podcasts.

I’ve done a couple and it’s
always the same conversation.

Fucking people asking
about your mental health

and all that shit, or worse.

I got asked to go on one of
them, fucking one of them ones

where they have CEOs
and people like that on,

fucking talk about your success
and that.

This guy was like, "Come on
and talk about your success."

And I was like, "No."

One, I’ve got no fucking idea
how this happened.

Two... What they mean is...

I’ve met a few
of these people now.

What they really mean is

come on and talk about
being minted.

And I’m not gonna lie, I am
fucking obviously minted

at this point. I’m not gonna...
Yeah.

I’m not gonna be
a dickhead about it.

A lot of comedians are standing
and pretend they were like you.

I’m not. I’m much richer.

But the thing is, like, I’m
not...

I don’t think
I’m a rich person either.

I’ve met other rich people,
and I’m not rich.

Like, I don’t...
That’s not my mindset.

Because, like, you think
rich people are happy

and they’re not.
They’re like people with abs.

They’re not happy.
They’re happy on Instagram.

They’re not happy, mate.

They’re just fucking...
they’re just scared.

They’re constantly terrified
that someone is going

to come along and take
the money off them.

And I’ve never had money
in my entire life. Genuinely.

I’ve lived in my overdraft
because I’m a dickhead.

I’ve lived in my overdraft
for pretty much all of my life,

and when I got money,

it was sat
in my current account in my bank,

and I’d just wake up and I’d
look at my bank balance

and I’d have a wank
and I’d go back to sleep.

Absolutely delightful morning.

And then I met some people
with money and they were like,

"Where’s your money?"
And I was like, "In the bank."

"You can’t just leave it
in the bank."

I was like,
"What do you mean, why?"

They went, "Inflation."
"What the fuck’s that?"

"If you leave it in, it will be
worth less next year."

I was like, "How?"

They’re like,
"You got to invest it in crypto and property."

And then I was like, "Fuck off,

that sounds like
a lot of effort."

Like, "It is a lot of effort.
Quite stressful, actually."

I was like, "Fuck."

And I got I got quite
worried about it.

And now I’ve just fully come
to terms with the fact

I’m going to piss it
up the wall.

Yes!

I’m gonna piss it up the wall
in a couple of years.

I’ve got no investments.
I’ve got no savings.

I’ve got no pension.
I’ve left fuck-all for my kids.

Nothing. Zero.

They can make their own money,
the sponging little cunts.

So if you fast forward
five years,

I’ll be back
on a council estate

with a fucking hippo
in the garden.

And I don’t know
how that’s gonna happen,

but I’m gonna get there.

I’ll be in the garden in
a Versace robe with holes in it.

"Where did it all
go wrong, Bertha?"

Just snorting coke
off a gold spoon.

I can’t be trusted, me,
I’m a fucking...

I’m an idiot, man.

I, honestly, I’m too...
I’m like a puppy, man.

I can’t, like I’m just...
I can’t stop fucking...

I just, I want,
I’m just fucking...

Like, do you know what?
Like people care that much.

Like, too much intelligence.

Like, people message me
sometimes asking me

about tickets and how to get
to shows and all that shit.

Like I’ve got fucking any idea.

Like I’ve got anything to do
with any of this.

Do you know what my life is?

I get picked up from my house,
I get transported to a gig,

I get put backstage,
I get given food and drink.

I get kicked onto the stage
for about an hour.

I walk back off the stage.

I get put back in the car and I
get driven back to a hotel.

I am essentially
a fucking toddler at this point.

It’s fantastic.

And then all the clever people

who make sure
all the lights are here

and the mics here
and the speakers are here

and all you are here.

They at the end of these tours,
they do a big spreadsheet

and they work out what
everyone’s cost them,

what everyone’s made.

And they give you
what they call a settlement.

And the first time that
happened, I swear, more money

than I ever thought I would see
in my entire life in one go.

And I got this money
in the bank, and some people,

they would be... I’ve got kids,
you know what I mean?

Some of you even would be
sensible in that situation.

"Do you know what?
I’ve got kids."

Get your head screwed on.

Get some buy-to-let property
get some passive income.

Set yourself up for the future.

No, I just went and bought
a bright orange Lamborghini.

Yeah!

Spent nearly every penny I had
on that car.

If you’ve cheered that,
you are a very fun person.

Well done.

Wow, you’re very fun,
most likely,

but you’re also
most likely a burden

to your friends and family.

You’re probably
a fucking dickhead like I am.

I shouldn’t have
bought that car.

I lived on a council estate.

I shouldn’t have bought
that car, and I wasn’t...

I wasn’t a millionaire, either,
I wasn’t a millionaire.

I want to be very clear.

I had enough for a Lamborghini
and I bought a Lamborghini.

That’s how much of a dick...

I didn’t even get credit

cos I’ve got...
My credit rating’s about two.

I just went to spend...

What?

How many times did I
get stopped? Ah, mate.

I got stopped,
I got stopped a few times.

You know what?
I’ve never said this on stage,

but I’m out of my country.

I don’t think I’ll get
arrested for this, right.

Do you know what, right,

this is genuinely true, right?
The last time...

The last time I got
fucking stopped in that car

and I was fucking, like...

If you’ve seen Hot Water, they
stream all of the shows, right?

And there’s a gay couple
in Canada.

There’s like 50 in their 50s.

This gay couple live in
the middle of nowhere in Canada.

They watch every stream, right?
They love it.

Message me all the time.
Lovely fellas, right.

So it was a couple
of years back.

He went, "I’m going to send you
something for your birthday."

I went, "Oh, no."
And I don’t know him.

Do you know what I mean?

So I’m like,
he could be a fucking weirdo.

So he was like,
"Send me your address."

And I was like,
"Nah, I’m all right."

Some mad gay Canadian
turning up at my house, know what I mean?

So he went, "It’s all right,
I’ll send it to the club."

So he sent this...
I didn’t think nothing of it.

So I get to the club one day,
"There’s a box for you."

So I’ve opened it up, right.

There’s a fucking...
a Canada jumper, a Canada mug,

and two ounces of weed
vacuum-packed.

And I was like, "Fuck off!"

So I’ve got it in the car.
I’m driving home, right?

And then I’m driving
out of Liverpool city centre

and this fucking prick
in a Golf turns up.

And it’s always a cunt
in a Golf as well.

It’s always a cunt in a Golf.

Turns up, starts revving.
I thought,

"You’re not having me,
you cunts. Fuck you."

Sport mode. Fuck off!

Only went from one light
to the next light, right.

And I stopped.
And he called up. He went, "Fair play."

We were laughing
and stuff like that.

He drove off and I looked
in my mirror.

Cop car behind me.
I was like, "Fuck you."

So I’m driving slow as fuck,
25 mile an hour.

Lamborghinis do not like to go
25 miles an hour.

Eleven o’clock at night.

I’m, like, indicating
to change lanes

and the cop car’s
just behind me.

And I’m like...

And then his lights come on.

He pulls me over and I’m like,
"Fuck me, I’m going to prison."

"I’m going to prison." Because
I realised as soon as...

as soon as I pulled over,
I thought,

"Fuck, I’ve got that weed
in the boot."

Imagine that’s what
you go to nick for.

And what the fuck
am I going to say?

Two gay fellas
from Canada sent it to me?

They’re not going
to believe that shit, are they?

So he comes up.

He went, "You know
how fast you were going?"

And I was like, "No, I think
it’s just a loud car, you know?"

He was like, "No, no,
I saw you go across."

"I don’t know
how fast you were going,

but you were
definitely going too fast."

I was like, "Oh,
I’m sure it wasn’t me,

I’m so sorry."

And he looked at...
he was fucking fuming.

And he looked, he went...

"You’re that comedian."
And I went, "Fucking yes."

Yes!

He’s like, "I’m gonna let you
off this time, but be careful."

Orange Lamborghini makes you
stand out a little bit."

I was like, "Yeah,
I’m a dickhead,

sorry about that, mate."

Fucking shit.
That car was a nightmare.

I shouldn’t have got it, man,
I really shouldn’t have bought it.

Like, you know what? I...

The way I think
about the car was,

I said I lived on a council...
I didn’t...

I didn’t even check, like,
insurance or anything.

You can’t have that car
where I lived,

like, it was in a rough estate.

I’ve got the car delivered
to my house

because my mate from school,
he’s an insurance broker.

I’ve always used them.
I sent him a picture.

He was fucking fuming.

I sent him a picture
of this car on my drive, going,

"Hey, premiums on this
are gonna be a bit mad, aren’t they?

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."

He rang me and he went,
"Mate. No!"

I went, "What do you mean?"

He went, "You can’t have
that car there."

"Oh. Why not?"

"It’s worth more than your
house, you stupid cunt,

What are you doing?"

I honestly said to him,
"Nah, it’s all right,

no one’ll rob it.
Everyone likes me round here."

"The police are fans."

He went, "Mate, I can’t go to
insurance company

and say no one’s gonna rob you
cos you’re sound."

"Can you get it
in your garage?" I was like, "Er..."

You couldn’t. My garage was
tiny.

I couldn’t get
a fucking bike in it.

So I had to lie
to the insurance company and tell them

it was in the garage
when it wasn’t.

Just leave it on the drive
and hope no one robbed it.

It was terrifying. And no one
did rob it, to be fair.

Do you know what
the worst issue I had

with that car,
more than getting pulled over or anything?

I couldn’t use it
a lot of the time

because you don’t see cars
like that by mine, right?

And what would happen is
I’d come out of my house

to get in my car.

Every kid off my estate would
be sat on my car

with fucking balaclavas on

filming fucking
TikTok rap videos.

The cheeky bastards.
All over it, mate,

just lounging on it, fucking...
one of them stood on the roof.

The cheeky fucker just
spitting bars.

Two of them wheelie past
on bikes.

Fucking XL bullies everywhere.

Fucking fuming, mate.
And I’m a shithouse as well.

I’d walk out and see them
and go, "Yes, boys,

that sounds absolutely sick."

"I’ll get the bus.
Don’t worry about it."

Then the fucking...

Then the tax man
came after me as well.

The fucking prick.

Ah, mate. Fucking
what a knobhead.

It was my fault,
to be fair. Like, I didn’t know.

I think I assume it must
work the same way here.

Like, if you’re self-employed,

you’ve got to fucking
do your taxes and pay tax.

I’d never been self-employed
before that, so I had no idea.

When those fucking maths
people would give me the money,

I thought that was wages,
mate, I spent it.

Then next January
come after me going,

"You owe us half that money."
I was like, what the fuck?

What kind
of a stupid system is that?

It’s like, I haven’t got it.

He was like,
"We can see here you have

a bright orange Lamborghini."

I was like, "Oh, fuck you,
Instagram."

I had to sell my orange
Lamborghini to pay a tax bill,

which I understand is
a first-world problem,

it is hard to feel sorry
for me there.

But I was very upset about it,
and I think I’m allowed

to be upset because that was
my fucking GTA car, that.

That was my GTA car.

I used to have that car
in Grand Theft Auto

and had the little fur coat
on my character,

so I bought the same fur coat
in real life.

I was a pimp
on the estate for a bit,

me, you know.

You should have seen me
driving around that estate

with a fur coat
on an orange Lamborghini.

Just blasting Stevie Nicks.

♪ Just like the
White-winged dove♪

♪ Oh, baby♪

Oh, God, I was flying.

Now I say flying.

I was the slowest car on that
estate by a long, long way.

Can anyone tell me why?

Speed bumps. Speed bumps.
Exactly.

Didn’t think that through
either. Too many.

So many speed bumps
around here.

If you don’t know,
right, I’ll explain.

A Lamborghini is
obviously a very low car.

So you try and drive
that over the speed bump,

you will fuck that up.

It’s like trying to drive it
over your tits, Evelyn.

Yeah. So, Lamborghini.

So what you’ve got to do is,
right,

if you if you want to drive
a Lamborghini over speed bumps,

there’s a little button
on the dashboard

you’ve got to press to lift
the front of the car up

so you can go
over the speed bumps safely.

Takes about 10 seconds.
So every 30 foot...

In my Lamborghini with
my fur coat on.

♪ Is that the...♪

Fucking hell. What a nightmare.

I was sad about that.
You know, I was really sad.

It was really sad
losing that car.

You look fucking stupid
on the bus in a fur coat,

I’ll tell you that.

Really bad. But I got...
I got depressed about it.

I really did.
Like, I was so bad moping around for weeks,

my missus got pissed off at me
in the end.

Like, she really
lost her temper,

which is weird because she’s
like...

the thing is, I think
what annoyed her,

she’s normally good at
snapping me out of stuff.

My missus, she’s super...
She’s cool as fuck,

my missus,
she’s dead good at it.

She’s not... she’s not like a
softly, softly type of woman,

my missus, she’s more
of a fucking get a grip.

Which is good.
That’s exactly what I need.

Yeah, I need that, man,
I need, I need a firm hand, me,

I need a firm hand, I
need just telling,

"Stop it,
you’re being a dickhead."

I can’t have... some people
would respond to the other way,

and that’s fine if that’s you.

But I can’t have,
"Are you OK?"

"Oh. Oh. Oh, are you OK?"

Don’t do that shit with me.

I will manipulate
the fuck out of that.

Oh, mate, you don’t know
how bad your life will get

if you start that shit with me.
You try that with me,

I’ll be breastfeeding
in about seven minutes.

I will be on your tit
and you will never get me off.

I’m a weird guy. I’m a weird
guy.

Even she couldn’t,
she couldn’t get me out of it.

She couldn’t snap me
out of it. She lost her temper.

She did. She really fucking...
she...

After about three
or four weeks, she went,

"Listen, I can’t hear
no more about this car."

"And I know, I know you lost
the car and you’re sad about it,

but it’s not
the end of the world."

"People are still coming
to your shows,

people are still
buying tickets. Just be a bit more sensible."

"You’ll get another
Lamborghini one day."

And that was great advice.
It really was.

I really wish I was
in the right frame of mind

to hear that at that point,
but I wasn’t there yet.

I was feeling very dramatic.
I was...

"I don’t know
how to be sensible."

"I’m an impulsive person.
It’s part of my nature."

"It’s my ADHD."

I’ve self-diagnosed ADHD
off TikTok.

A lot of other sufferers in,
I see.

I had no idea
I had this affliction, mate.

I’ve been walking around
my entire life not knowing.

And I was just scrolling
one day, it said,

"Do you get distracted easily?"

"Do you not like
opening your letters?"

I was like,
"I fucking knew I was disabled."

I knew it!
Everything clicked into place.

It makes so much sense.
And now do you know what?

I’ll park
whatever the fuck I want now.

Don’t give a fuck, mate.

I’ll park in any
disabled parking spots

in the supermarket car park.
I’m not arsed, mate.

I’ll argue with any cunt
in a wheelchair.

I don’t give a fuck.
I’ll just argue with them.

I’m like, "What the fuck
are you looking at?"

"Why are you looking
at me like that?"

"Yes, I’m parking here.
Yes, I’m parking here."

"Yes, yes, I’m parking here.
You’ve got wheels,

you can roll
all the way over there."

"I need to be close
to the supermarket."

"I might get distracted
before I get there

and forget why I’m going."

"Not all disabilities
are visible. OK?"

- What’s your name?
- James.

Hello, James. You OK, James?
You had a good day?

- Had a good day.
- You had a good day.

What do you do, James?

- I’m a student.
- You’re a student?

- What are you studying, Jaymo?
- Sports therapy.

Horse therapy.

My head went
for a minute there, you know.

I thought you said
horse therapy.

Cos in your accent,
that sounds like a real job.

I just get into
the mind of the horse.

It’s just me and the steed.

Fetlocks blowing in the wind.

Sports therapy. Massage?

- Yeah. Massage.
- Why didn’t you say massage?

You don’t like saying massage?

- Nah.
- Yeah.

- It might sound a bit weird.
- It might sound a bit weird?

That’s all right, mate.

Everyone likes a massage,
don’t they?

- They do.
- I do like a massage.

But I always get a bit, ooh.

I feel like I’m gonna get
a hard on, know what I mean.

Like, if you were giving me
a massage, I’d get a hard on.

That’s why I don’t like...

Do you know what I think
is bang out of order?

When they make them turn over
and do the front bit.

I just think that’s
bang out of order,

cos I’m enjoying
none of that shit.

I’m just lying there going,
don’t get a hard on,

don’t get a hard on.

And your willy is
very disobedient

when you tell him
not to do something.

You ever had a fella
get a big hard on on you?

- No. Not yet.
- Never? Not yet?

Oh, you’re shit at your job,
you, like.

How far up the thigh do you go?

Next time,
just have a little...

Just see if you can get a
little...

You don’t want a full hard on.

You just want a little
bip, hello.

Hello. I’m here.

Do you give them little undies?
The little net undies?

- No.
- No. No.

Oh. Oh, you’re not
allowed them.

No, he’s not allowed.

He’s not allowed to give
the little net undies out.

- I hope not.
- Oh, he might.

He comes back and says,

"Yeah,
it was really, really casual."

He comes back and says...
He’s not going to say, "Yeah,

some fella got a hard on,
I had to finish him off."

"Give me ú50 to suck him off."

- Are you Mrs James, are you?
- I am Mrs James Murray.

Mrs, James fucking official,
Mrs James Murray.

- You m...
- The ring.

You’ve got the ring.
Are you married?

- No, I am not.
- Oh.

I love how you went,
"No, I am not." And he went,

"No." You went, "All right,
you fucking dickhead."

How dare you say that
so strongly.

You two shouldn’t be married.

You’re too young to be...
How long have you been together?

Two and a half.

- Two years.
- Two and a bit.

All right. Two years.

Two years. That’s two.

- How old are you, Jaymo?
- Twenty-one.

Twenty-one? Yeah.
Don’t get married.

You got about two girls
after her before you’re married.

She’ll be in the bin soon, her.

She won’t even let you
put fucking net undies

on a fella.
She’s fucking jealous as fuck.

Look at her. You can’t.

That’s not gonna work, mate.
I’m sorry.

- What’s your name?
- I’m Aisling.

Aisling.
Nice to meet you, mate.

You’re OK.
What do you do, Aisling?

- OK, so.
- Fucking hell.

Chapter one.

Don’t marry her, lad.
She’s a pain in the arse, her.

She’s an absolute headache,
mate.

Here’s your vows. Say them.

Make it look like
you mean it, James.

This is my special day.
Not about you.

Where’d you two meet?
At uni or somewhere?

- College, yeah.
- In college? Yeah.

Just bouncing about.
James bounced up.

But I work in Subway.

You work in Subway.
Sandwich artist?

- Yeah!
- Hey.

- Footlong.
- Footlong.

Wahey!

So you’re not living together
now. Who you living with?

We stay in his house half the
week, my house half the week.

OK, so you’ve both got
your own gaff?

No, no.
Oh, you live with your mum?

You live with your mum?
Oh, lovely.

Yeah.

Where do you do
most of your shagging?

Cos she’s gotta be
a loud fuck, her.

She can’t make
a sandwich quietly.

She’s got a dick in her.

Especially with your little
massage elbows in it.

"Oh, fucking hell, James,
you fucking do me right there,

you know."

"Aisling, is that you getting
fucking riled up there?"

"No, Mammy,
we’re watching a film."

I miss that. I’m fucking great,
but shush-fucking, bossing it.

When you live with your ma
you’re like, "Sh-sh-sh!"

"Aisling, sh-sh-sh-sh-sh."

"You need to fucking shush."

"Get on the floor, the bed’s
too noisy, get on the floor."

Yes, Aisling!
Fucked on the floor, yeah.

Little quilt down
for your knees and that.

Do you know what really
worries me, right?

It’s, like, I’ve got kids
and I’ve got...

I’ve got two boys, 12 and nine.
And my nine year old,

I popped up on his YouTube
suggested the other week.

It’s bad, that.

Bad parenting
by their iPad, isn’t it, really?

Like, it shouldn’t
have done that.

I was fucking very pissed off
with it, to be honest.

He was made up.

He was like, "Look,
Daddy, you’re a YouTuber."

Go and fuck yourself.

I am an artist.

No, I do worry about that.
It’s going to embarrass him.

Like, if I’m popping up on his,
it means I’m popping up

on his mates in school,
which he thinks is cool,

but it’s going to... like,
it’ll be cool for a minute

and then I’ll say something
that’s going to embarrass him,

and he’ll just be
embarrassed by me

for years and years and years.

And I know that’s true
cos I’ve had this before.

I’ve been through it.
Like, I’ve got older stepkids,

and they thought I was
cool as fuck for a minute.

And then I started saying
some funny stuff

about them on the internet.

And now I’m an embarrassment.

I mean, fuck them anyway,
to be fair.

Yeah. Some claps there.

We got some stepparents in.
Fuck stepkids!

I love them and that,
but fuck them, man.

Like, it’s such a shitty deal,
stepparenting.

It really fucking is.
It’s such a thankless task.

You don’t get
any thanks at all. Like, you don’t even get a day.

Like, like, you get Fathers Day
and Mothers Day.

We don’t get a fucking day.
We don’t get a day.

And I know some of you will be
thinking, "You get a card."

"You’ll get a card
on Father’s Day."

Yes, I got a card on
Father’s Day, but I felt like

scrunching it up and saying,
"Shove it up your arse,

you ungrateful little cunts."

"I know what your mum’s
handwriting looks like."

Her kids are older
than mine as well.

Like I’ve said,
mine are 12 and nine,

my two boys. She’s got
a 20-year-old girl,

a 19-year-old lad
and an eight-year-old girl.

Cos she was a slag
when she was younger.

So I’ve got thrown in
the deep end there, me.

It’s not fair.

Like, we’ve been
together six years, me and her,

so parent-wise, I’ve gone
straight in a teenager.

No run up. Nothing.

Just fucking straight in.
Parent a teenager.

Out the box.

Impossible. Can’t do it.

I still haven’t got it right.
I’ve never done it right.

If anyone in here
has managed to fucking

get this correct at any point,
please do let me know.

Because as far as I can see,
there is no successful way

to parent a modern teenager.

Everything I do makes it worse.
I can’t ask them anything.

I can’t ask them
the simplest little requests

without being met with...

"I can’t go to the shop.
I’ve got anxiety."

"Oh, no."

"Oh, no.
I couldn’t possibly get a job."

"They don’t recognize
my identity as a badger."

It’s like, "Sound."

"I’ll just pay forever then,
shall I?"

And I’ll say this,
this is a controversial opinion

and this will
get some backlash.

You know what?
Don’t give a fuck.

I’ll stand by this one.
I truly believe this. Right?

This is for... I’ve got...

I’ve got two boys.
She’s got two girls and a boy.

Controversial opinion.
Girls are fucking horrible.

Horrible, evil bastards.

I want to be clear, by the way,
before it goes too far,

I’m not saying women.

I’m not saying, like,
I’m not trying to start

some weird Andrew Tate fucking
rally before it goes bad here.

Paul Smith saying
he hates women.

"Snakes with tits.
He said snakes with tits."

"Not to be trusted."

That’s not what I’m saying.

All I’m saying is,
in sheer parenting terms,

girls are more difficult
to deal with than boys.

And I think that’s true.

And I think I know
there’s probably exceptions

to that rule.

But in general, I think it’s
quite widely accepted that girls

are more difficult to deal with
than boys.

And I have a theory
as to why.

Here’s my theory as to why.
Boys are thick as fuck.

Thick is fuck. All of us.

I’m not excluding myself
from that either.

We are all thick as fuck.

Every single one of us.

I don’t think we get
any more intelligent

from about the age of three
until we die.

I think we’re just
the same idiot toddler

in a slightly older,
flabbier body.

And then we die.

And the thing about men is,
the tricky thing is,

some of us are good at
pretending we’re not thick.

That’s the thing. Some of us
are really good at it.

Some fellas can pretend
they’re surgeons and pilots

for a short period of time.

Every man in here knows,
though, if you get any group of men

together with no females about,

it just immediately
becomes, "Willies!"

Just fucking kicking
each other and shit.

Fucking stupid.

Doesn’t matter who it is.
the most sensible man you know,

be kicking his mate,
doesn’t matter.

And I think that’s beautiful.
And it should be cherished.

It should.

Cos girls come out of the womb

looking for fucking angles,
mate.

They come out of the womb lying
and cheating and manipulating

and stealing and shit.

Do you know, being
in a house with two girls

and a mum is like being
in fucking Game of Thrones.

Mate, it’s terrifying.

Scared and terrified.

Like, you’re on edge.
You’re in the house,

you’re trying to have
a cup of tea in the kitchen,

and you can’t settle
cos there’s conflict.

There’s always conflict,
and it’s always unresolved

cos no one talks it out.

You just work in the shadows
to undermine each other.

And it’s always me
getting dragged into it.

I’m sat there trying to trying
to mind my own business

and one of them
will walk in the kitchen.

It doesn’t matter
which one it is.

They’ll walk in and be like,

"Come and hear
what this bitch has done."

I’m like,
"Oh, fucking hell, no. I don’t want to get involved."

"I’m just trying
to have a cup of tea."

"Just trying and have
a cup of tea in peace."

"I’m Switzerland, mate.
I’m staying out of it."

"No, you need to hear this.
It’s absolutely outrageous."

"I’d rather not know."
"No, you need to be on my side."

"I don’t want to be on your"
side.

"No, you need to be
on my side."

"You’re eight.
Will you fuck off?"

Honestly, it’s scary, man.
I’m scared of them.

I’m scared of them all.

Like, I thought there was
a light at the end

of the tunnel as well.

Then there’s not.
Like, Leah’s 20 now.

She’s still a bitch.

Still a bitch. And I...
Do you know what?

In fairness, I’ll say 90%
of the time we get on very well.

Get on like a house on fire.
Talk all the time.

Have a lovely time.
10% of the time...

and I don’t know
when this 10% is going to be,

she will just ruin my day
on purpose for no reason.

I thought it was me at first.
And it’s fucking not me.

It’s just she’s having
a bad day

so I’ve got to have
a fucking bad day.

And the thing is, I’m obviously
quite angry about this shit.

A lot of my anger comes
from the fact that deep down,

I know I’m not intelligent
enough to understand

the complexity of her behavior.

So I can’t get out the way, me.

I just can’t see it coming.
Like, her mum sees it.

Somehow she knows,
like she can smell it,

and she just fucks off into
the bathroom or something.

And I’m just left there in
the living room like a knobhead.

Just, like, unaware
of what’s going on.

"Is everything OK?"
"Fuck off."

I can’t escape, mate.

And the worst thing
about it is I can’t...

Like, I travel all the time.

If I’m not there,
she’ll ring me up and do it.

I’m not safe.
I’m not safe anywhere.

She’ll call me up and do it.
Anywhere in the world,

she can get me.

And I never see it coming.
Like, not long ago

I was away, I was doing a show.

I was in a hotel,
I was having breakfast.

I was on my own.

I was chilling, having a nice,
lovely morning to myself.

Phone goes.
I’ve answered it, obviously.

And she was like, "Hiya,"
cos she’s a fucking ninja, mate.

You never you never see it
coming till it’s too late.

"Hiya!" I went, "How are you,
bab, you OK?"

She went, "Yeah.
What are you doing?"

"I’m just having a sandwich.
What are you doing?"

She went...

"I’m not feeling too good,
you know?"

And I went, "Oh, why?"
She went...

"I’m on a really heavy flow."

And then she hung
the fucking phone up.

There was no question.

She told me that information
and fucked off. Why?

Why? What can I do about that?
She knows what she’s doing.

She’s having a bad day, so my
day is gonna be fucking ruined.

And ruin it, she did, mate.

I was devastated.
Sat there in a hotel on my own,

fucking just gutted.

Gutted. Looking down thinking,

"Well, that’s that bacon butty
ruined, isn’t it?"

"I am never having ketchup
on one of these again."

Boys are easier.

They are, the boys are easier.

And I’ve tested that
extensively.

As I said, I’ve got
my two boys.

Like, my 12-year-old.

He’s challenging.
He’s non-verbal, autistic.

He can be a cunt, man.

Don’t, "Ooh," that, by the way.
I hate when people do that.

If you disagree with that
comment, I’ll bring him

to your house
and let him shit on your walls.

He’s challenging,
but he’s fine.

We get on dead well,
you know what I mean.

We’ve got our ways and that.

The little nine-year-old,
he’s being raised

by his iPad as I said.

And my stepson as well.

Like, he came
to live with me last year.

My stepson, he moved out of
his mum’s, came live with me.

Cos we don’t live together,
I should explain that

because people always
ask me after the show.

She lives in Torquay, which is
on the south coast of England.

I live in Liverpool, 252...

Is someone from Torquay in?
Yay.

Beautiful place.
You might know my wife.

That might be my wife.
She’s quite...

She’s quite gruff.
She’s got big hands.

I’m laughing,
but she has, like.

I can’t... I can’t even get
a wank off her.

It’s embarrassing.

No, we live 252 miles apart,

and it’s fucking incredible.

And I want to...
I just want to state this.

I just... as a little aside
to the show.

If anyone is thinking
about getting into

something long distance, do it.

I didn’t know
how good it could be.

Like, I’ve got to thank my wife
for this, man, because we met

and I was like, I don’t think
this is going to work.

We live too far apart.

She was like,
let’s give it a chance.

And give it a chance we did.

And it’s the best thing
I’ve ever done

because you’ve got
your own house,

so you got your own space.

You don’t argue about
normal shit like dishes

and washing and all that shit.

And then when you do...
when you do have an argument,

you’re like, "Fuck off."

And the other one’s like,
"Sound. I’ll see you next week

when you’ve calmed down."
Just fuck off.

You just fuck off.
They got no power.

And when you do get together,

you’re happy to see each other
and stuff like that.

It’s just good for
the relationship.

You know what?
I know my relationship’s good

cos even when she
doesn’t want to have sex,

she lets me wank on her leg.

Tell me that’s not love.
Tell me that’s not love.

If that’s not love,
I don’t know what love is.

If you’re in a relationship
and you’re in the mood

and she’s not in the mood
and she doesn’t stick

her little bum out and go,
"You’re wiping it off,"

I just think you’ve
got problems, that’s all I’m saying.

You do that for him,
wouldn’t you, girl? Evelyn?

Yes.
Your dad gets a little...

A little... jizz on your
mum’s bum all the time.

You could have been
on your mum’s bum.

You’re just lucky
you got in there.

Boys are easier.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.
He come to live with me, man.

He’s a knobhead,
don’t get me wrong.

But I understand, like, he’s
just a little, like,

we’re all thick.

So as long as you keep that
in mind,

it’s like everything else
kind of falls into place.

Like, he come to live with me.

He come to live with me
because he wants to be a, uh...

Liverpool’s a bigger city
and he wants to go to college.

He wants to be a musician.
He wants to be a rapper.

Yeah, yeah.

Cos I mean, you haven’t
heard him, obviously.

No I’m joking.

He’s actually decent
and it’s surprising he’s decent

because he’s a rapper
from Devon.

And I don’t know if you here
in Dublin will be aware

of how much of
a fucking hill that is to climb.

I think he’s
the only one, mate.

It’s a mad accent.
He sounds like a fucking pirate.

He does not like
when I call him Sconye West,

I will tell you that.

I’ve got to be fair as well

to the people of Devon,
it’s not even full Devon.

Like, his mum’s...

He’s got the maddest
accent ever.

Like his mum’s from Birmingham,
his mum’s a Brummie, right.

A lot of people don’t find
the Birmingham accent sexy

but she’s got, like, gypsy
blood.

So she’s like a real-life
Peaky Blinder.

And I don’t know
why I find that attractive.

Yeah, mate.
First time I met her,

I imagined shagging her
and she’d be like,

"No fucking fighting."

I was like, "Oh."

"You peg away, girl."

Yeah. She’s got loads...

So he’s got a bit of Brummie
in there.

He’s got Devon in it.

And as if that wasn’t
mad enough,

like a mad mix, on his own
over the last couple of years,

he just added in
loads of, like, London gangster Roadman.

So it’s fucked, man.

And I’m trying my best.
I just step in.

You do try your best.

I’m trying
to be a good role model.

I’m trying to be
a good stepdad to him.

Like, we went away
not long ago

and he stayed in the house.

He’s watching the dogs for us
and stuff like that.

So usually in that situation
I’d buy him loads of shopping.

So he’s got he’s got food in
for him and the dogs, right.

But I worry
that he’s fucking thick, right?

And he’s going to go off to uni

and he’s not going to be able
to manage.

So I’ll just put some money
in his bank

and let him manage
his own money,

and I’ll sit him down

and I’ll have a man-to-man
conversation with him

and I’ll treat him
with some respect. Right?

So I sat him down and went,
"Right. Listen, Ben. Ben."

"Ben, pause your game. Right."

"I put some money
in your bank there, right?"

"That is for you and the dogs
for shopping for the whole week,

do you understand?
That’s for food."

"That is not for you
to go and get pissed

with your little mates."

"Do you understand?"
He’s like, "No way, bro."

"Wouldn’t do that man.
Respect you fam."

So I told his mum,
"Listen, he’s all right."

"He’s got some money
in his bank there."

She went,
"You haven’t given the money? Why’ve you done that?"

"He’ll just go
and get pissed with it."

I went, "He won’t, actually,
we’ve had a chat."

"He respects me."
So we went off on our trip.

We went out the first night,
had a little meal, some wine.

Had a lovely time.

Got back to the hotel
about midnight. Phone goes.

I’ve answered it, obviously.
Very cockily as well,

very cocky at this point
cos I’m saying to her,

"Look, you underestimated
this boy, but he’s calling us

with the dogs
to say good night. What a good boy."

I answered this FaceTime.

He was in the middle
of Liverpool city centre

absolutely fucking cabbaged.

No, don’t. Yeah,
it wasn’t good cabbaged.

It was bad cabbaged, mate. Bad.

It was the worst
I’ve ever seen. It was that bad

he looked like
he had cerebral palsy.

That’s how bad it was.
It was grim.

He was against the wall
with no motor function

trying to hold the phone up,

jaw just swinging everywhere,
going, "Paul, bro,

I’ve been kicked out
of the club, yo."

"I don’t know where I am."
I was like, what the fuck?

I say, "Mate, what the fuck’s
happened, where are you?"

"I don’t know.
I’ve lost my boys, fam."

"I’ve got no money to get home,
yo. I don’t know where I am."

I was like, "Mate,
I need to know where you are."

"I don’t know."
Luckily, at this point,

complete stranger walks past,
sees the phone

and goes, "Fuck off,
is that Paul Smith?"

No shit.

No shit. Takes the phone.

Starts getting
a selfie with the phone.

I was like, "Mate,
thank you so much."

I said, "See that lad there?
That’s my stepson, that."

He went, "Is he?" "Yeah!"

"He’s fucking kettled, him."

I went, "I know, mate,
I know, I know, I know."

I said, "Listen," I said,
"I need to know where you are."

"I need to know where he is,

I need to get him an Uber,
try and get him home."

So he is showing me around,
where they were.

He’s on Seel Street,

which is in the middle
of Liverpool city centre.

Right. So I order him an Uber.

Good on this lad. He stayed
there with him till the car came

and helped me get him
in the car. I was very thankful.

So he’s in the car now and I’m
feeling a bit better about it.

Like, I’m still getting
no sense out of him.

His head’s just wedged
against the inside of this car.

Phone’s jammed between it
and he’s just making noise.

Going...

His fucking jaw just keeps
hitting the phone.

So I was worried, man.

So I’m watching... On Uber
you can watch the little car,

little cartoon car on the app,
can’t you?

You can watch it driving home.

So I was watching the car.

Make sure he doesn’t
get kidnapped.

And as it pulled
into my street,

I switch over
to the Ring doorbell app.

Wow.

I’ve never seen
anything like it in my life.

I’ve seen some states, but I’ve
never seen anything like this.

He emerges from this Uber.

With his little fucking
slug legs.

Took him fucking forever
to get to the front door.

Then when he
finally gets there, starts trying to get his key

out of his little fucking
man-bag satchel thing

that he’s always got.

Fucking stood there twisted
at my front door just going...

"Come on, you can fucking
do this. Fuck you, man."

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you, fuck you,

fuck you, fuck you, fuck you."

Then he realized
it was on this side.

He gets the key out of the bag,
right,

starts trying to get
in the door, but he’s fucked.

He can’t see. The poor lad’s...

He’s trying his best,
but he’s just...

He just keeps hitting
the door with the key

over and over again.

So trying to be helpful,
through the doorbell I went,

"A little bit to the left,
mate." He went, "Aah!"

Who’s that, bro?

I went, "It’s Paul."
He went...

"Paul, bro, where are you?"

I went, "I’m in the doorbell."

He went, "Aah! How?"

I went, "Technology, mate.
Let’s not worry about that now."

I said, "Listen,
come on now, son."

"We need to get your key
in the door."

"This is important now.
I need you to listen to me."

"We need to work together
as a team."

"Just follow my voice.
I’m going to guide you in."

So I’m guiding him in.

Little bit forward, little bit
to the right, bit to the left.

Took us a while,
but we got there.

He goes in.

I heard him lock
the door behind them.

I’m happy with that. He’s safe.

His mum’s fuming.

Oh, she wants to fly home
immediately and kill him.

And I was like, "Listen,
I know you’re fuming,

but we’re getting
no sense out of him tonight,

best just letting him
sleep it off."

"We’ll call him in the morning,
give him some shit."

Right. So that’s the plan.

So calls him
in the morning, right?

Doesn’t answer at first,
which you kind of expected

cos he’s been out late.
He’s fucked.

I thought I’d let him
sleep a bit longer.

Tries him a bit later.
Still no answer. Now.

Getting a bit pissed off now,
cos not only has he gone out,

he spent all
the shopping money.

The poor dogs have got no food.

So sent some dog food round
with the Uber Eats.

And I sent him a message
that said,

"Enjoy your dinner,
you little prick."

And he’s still not answering.

What a cheeky little bastard.
He thinks he can duck me.

Thinks he can just
duck me on this.

Thinks he can just
not answer his phone,

take no shit over there.

But he doesn’t know is I’ve
got Alexas all over my house.

If you have Alexa
in your house, you go on the app on your phone,

press drop in.
You don’t have to answer.

So I just drop in
on the Alexa in his bedroom.

I go... "Ben!"

He goes, "Aah!"

"Who’s that?" I went, "It’s
Paul."

He went, "Paul, bro,
where are you?"

I went, "I’m in the Alexa."

He went, "How?"

I went, "Technology."
I went, "What the fuck?"

"What the fuck
happened last night?"

He went,
"Oh, I don’t know."

"What do you mean you don’t"
know?

He went, "I don’t know."
I went, "You can’t remember nothing?"

He went, "No."

"You can’t remember fuck all?"
"No."

"Do you want me to tell you
what I think’s happened?"

He went, "Oh." I went,

"Well, I think what’s
happened is

I think you’ve taken
that money."

"That money that we had
a good chat about,

that money
that was for you and the dogs

for shopping
for the whole week."

"That money that
you promised me

that you wouldn’t go
and get pissed with."

"You have taken that money

and you’ve started getting
pissed with your little mates."

"And then things have escalated

and you have tried to buy
cocaine off someone

with your stupid
little Devonian Roadman accent."

"’Hello. Could I have
some cocaine, please, bro?’"

"And some Scouse kid has seen
you coming a fucking mile away

and sold you
a bashed up bag of ketamine

and you’ve had no idea
what it was

until you’ve had a stripe of it

and turned into fucking
Stephen Hawking on Seel Street.

I was like, "Does that sound
about right?"

He was like, "No way, bro,

I wouldn’t do that, man.
Respect you."

"Fuck off, mate,
that’s exactly what happened.

I was like, "Listen, I’ve got
to go out, but I’m gonna be back

in a couple of hours
and I’m going to call you back

and you better have
some better answers than this

cos this is fucking pathetic."

So I went out, comes back
a couple of hours later, right.

Calls him back.

He’s had some time
to think now, but he’s thick as fuck.

Like thick as...
Like if that was Leah, the girl,

given two hours, there would
be AI-generated CCTV footage

of her doing fucking
charity work at the time.

There would be a line
of eyewitness statements.

The fucking FBI wouldn’t be
able to get into that shit.

This fucking idiot.

I swear, I still can’t believe
this took him this long,

to this day.
It’s strategy, right?

Just go on the offensive,
right.

So call him, I go,
"What the fuck?"

He goes, "Yo, yo.
I’m just gonna stop you there, bro."

"Everyone’s getting on me today

but you all fail to realise
that I’m the victim here."

"How the fuck are you
the victim?"

"Yeah. OK. Hold up hands
and take some responsibility."

"I shouldn’t have gone out and
started drinking with the boys."

"But we were having a
quiet night."

"Then I’ve lost my boys, yeah?"

"Turns out I spoke
to my boy today, yeah?"

"He’s ended up in the hospital.
Yeah? Yeah."

"They found seven grams
of ketamine in his system."

"Yeah?
So I must have had the same."

"We’ve been spiked."

I was like, "You’ve been spiked
with seven grams of ketamine?"

"Are you fucking...?
Is that what you’re saying?"

He was like, "Yeah." I went,
"Seven grams of ketamine?"

"Like a teaspoon
and a half of ketamine."

Come on, mate.

I said, "Are you sure that’s...
You’re gonna go with that?"

"Sure you haven’t
just spent the money?"

He’s like, "No."
"Where the fuck’s the money?"

Then he goes,
"It’s the maddest thing, yeah?"

"After they spiked us,
they’ve taken the bank card

out of the back of my phone
and used the contactless

in the club to buy drinks."

I was like, "Fuck off. Really?"

"Bastards."

I went, "You’ve lost
your bank card?" Right.

He knows he can’t say
he’s lost his bank card

because he needs his bank card
to get more money sent over.

So this is the genius, mate.
This really is.

This must have took him an hour
and 59 of the two hours.

Because this is special.

He goes.
"No, here’s the maddest thing, though, yeah?"

"After they’ve run out of money
on the card,

they’ve put it back
in the back of my phone."

Fucking idiot.
I was like, "Are you mental?"

"That’s the silliest shit
I have ever heard in my entire life."

He’s going, "Yo, you’re saying
you don’t believe me, bro?"

I went, "No,
I don’t believe you, bro,

no, cos that makes no
fucking sense at all, does it?"

"One, who is using
14g of ketamine

to steal 60 pounds
off your bank card?"

"It’s not even
cost effective, Ben."

I said, "Two, when I get home,
I’m gonna buy 14g of ketamine

and we are
gonna go into town together

and I’m gonna watch you
try to slip that

into someone’s drink
without them noticing."

"You watch their vodka turn
into a fucking paste, dickhead."

He’s all upset. He was like,

"I can’t believe you’re saying
this to me. I’ve been robbed."

I went, "You’re not even saying
you’ve been robbed."

"You’re saying
you’ve been borrowed."

Make no fucking sense.

You fucking idiot, man.
Do you know what?

I’d have so much more
respect for that lad

if he just held his hands up.
and went, "Listen, right,

I know I promised that I
wouldn’t go and get pissed,

but in my defence,
I never thought you’d find out."

"My mates are giving me loads
of shit on WhatsApp."

"I thought I’d just go
for a couple,

no harm could be done.
And then it was a laugh

so I thought
a couple more can’t hurt

and that just got a bit out
of hand."

"And then someone
offered me something,

I thought it’d be funny,
I had it, my head fell off."

Cos that... I go,
"You know what?"

"You’re a dickhead
and you put yourself in danger."

"But that is exactly
what I would have done."

"That’s exactly,
exactly what I would have done."

I can understand
the logic of that.

Know what I mean, like,
and that’s the thing.

That’s the thing,
that’s the real difficulty

in being a parent.

Like, especially to teenagers.
Parenting all kids is hard.

But at least with little ones
you can blag it.

Like, they can’t see
what a fuck up you are.

Like, older ones can see
through your bullshit.

Especially me.
As I’ve said already,

I’m all over the internet.

Me talking about doing DMT,
magic mushrooms, MDMA.

Like, that lad
who I’m talking about,

he’s been at a show
in an arena

when I’m in front of
about 10,000 people.

I told a very,
very graphic story

about getting pegged
by his mum on cocaine.

Can’t come back from that.

You can’t come back
as a parent, you can’t come back from that.

I can’t sit him down after he’s
heard me say that and go,

"Listen, mate, you need to
be a more responsible adult."

He’d just be like, "Shut up,

you sniff coke
and get bummed by my mum."

What’s your name?
Jay, you all right?

You look like a good,
fucking proper, solid fella.

You look like
a proper nice guy. You know, reliable.

Like you got a proper job
and you don’t fuck about.

You got a nice garden.
You love to barbecue.

Yeah, man. He does.

He looks like he fucking
does a heavy barbecue,

this guy. Yes.

My God, he’s got sides
and everything, I love it.

- The umbrella...
- Little umbrella comes out.

He’s got his little apron.
Fucking love it.

What do you do, mate?

- Fuck all at the moment.
- Don’t do nothing.

Did you choose
to be unemployed, you retired or you just...

- Off sick.
- You’re off sick.

Oh, shit. I’m sorry, mate.
What’s up with you?

- I got a triple bypass.
- You got a triple bypass?

Oh, fucking hell, man,
stop barbecuing then, man.

Yeah.

Yeah. Too many burgers,
that, son.

Wanna knock
that one on the head.

Can’t even barbecue now,
can you? On the salads.

- Sold it!
- You sold it?

Get it out of there.

Just fucking on the water,
juice fasting and shit.

What did you show? Is that
when they go up your arm?

Up your arm and then
open the little...

You getting your little tits
out there for me?

No way.

I’m seeing
some wrinkly tits today.

Is that you
off work forever now

- or are you just off for a bit?
- No, I’m off for three months.

You’re off for three months,
and then you’re back.

What do you do?

- Make drugs.
- You...

- You make drugs.
- Make drugs legally.

You make drugs legally.
Pharmacists.

Yeah.

And you couldn’t see your
own heart attack coming, no?

Couldn’t get yourself on some
blood thinners or something?

Oh, God.
How long you two been together?

- 25 years.
- 25 years in the game.

Lovely, that, isn’t it? What...
Aww.

What’s your name?

- Tina.
- Tina.

Where’d you meet back then?

- All those years ago.
- In the pub.

In the pub. Old school.

No fucking about.
None of that Tinder shit.

Yeah. Nah, nah, none of
that shit back in the day.

Fucking right up there.
Yo. You. Barbecue. Ours.

Heart attack...

Have you got life insurance?
Have you, yeah?

Ah, you were nearly minted
there, girl, weren’t you?

You got ten more years of this
sweaty bastard on top of you.

You’ll just be lying here
thinking, "You fuck,

I could have had half a million
quid in the morgue."

- In Greece.
- I had it spent and all.

You had it spent as well.

You were gonna buy
a bigger barbecue.

You had action?
You been shagging?

- Het’s actually better since.
- He’s better shagging?

Oh, yeah. Cos you got
blood flow now, haven’t you?

Yeah.

- Go, Jay.
- Yes!

Oh, God. I don’t know.

I don’t know
if I’m a good parent.

I don’t know if I’m
a good person, to be honest.

I fucking do try. I do.

I really, honestly, like,

I have my kids first half
of the week, every week.

I have my kids every
week for half the week.

I had them Sunday
to Wednesday

and then Wednesday
through Saturday,

I’ll travel around
doing shows.

My life Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, I’ll get up,

I’ll do the school run.

I’ll have the day to myself
normally, and I go back

and pick them up from school.
It’s lovely. Right.

So I get up,
I do the school run.

It’s a normal Monday. Right?
Uneventful.

I went to the gym
from the school.

I had a little workout,
got back,

got back
in the house about 12.

I had a couple of hours
to myself.

Thought, "Ooh, I’ll have
a little nap."

Love a little nap.
I’m in my 40s. Now.

I feel no shame
about this as well.

What better way
to get me off to sleep?

I’m in the house on my own.

Big Jay knows while he’s been
resting up, haven’t you, son?

How long after the fucking
triple heart bypass

were fucking... crack one out?

Soon as you
woke up from the anesthetic.

Just the...

Had a little me time, mate.

You know what? Makes me quite
sad to think about it,

cos it’s been taken away
from me.

I don’t know if you’ve
got the same thing here.

Do you have to
put your passport in for porn now?

Mate, have you heard this shit?

Like, back in the UK,
they’ve made it so you can’t

get porn without putting
your fucking passport in.

You have to upload
your passport to watch porn

and people are fucking
doing it.

And I can’t do it cos
I’m too fucking famous, mate.

I can’t do it, mate.

I’m not doing it
because people keep going at me.

"No, it’ll just be
like a programme."

"It’ll be AI or something."
I can’t trust that it’s AI.

I can’t trust that it’s not
some fucking student

on fucking eight pound an hour

who’s going
to get me fucking...

just fucking make me passport
and a picture going,

"Can I have a wank, please?"

Fucking hell, mate.

Gone back to
fucking having a wank

with your bank balance again.
It’s fucking sad.

There’s nothing more decadent
to a married man with kids

than a full-volume
Pornhub wank.

It’s fucking delightful, mate,
cos, like, you know what,

we are supposed to be,

alpha males are supposed to be
in the jungle

hunting and shit
with our hands.

And what we have been reduced
to in modern society

is little quivering pussies
skulking around in the shadows,

listening to low-volume porn.

Just... Just listening
to Pornhub on one volume notch.

Sometimes you get a bit cheeky

and you put it to
two volume notches,

but as soon as she goes, "Aah!"
you panic,

you turn it back down.

But if there’s no one in the
house, you have nothing to fear.

Volume right the way up,
pants all the way off.

I’ll leave my t-shirt on.
I am Winnie-the-Pooh-ing it.

I don’t give a fuck.

Get on the bed, legs akimbo.

Have a good go at it,
Supreme grip.

Anyway, I had a little wank.
Had a little nap.

Got me off to
a very restful sleep.

Nom-nom-nom-nom.
Alarm goes off.

Quarter to three I’m up,
pants on, out the door

goes and picks me little lad up
from school.

He comes out. "Had a nice day?"

"Can’t remember."
He’s eight at the time, right?

So, anyone in here who’s had
eight year olds,

who’s got an eight-year-old,
back me up on this. Yeah.

You know, right,
when they leave school, lunatics, aren’t they?

Understandably. Because
he can’t, like, you can’t...

School’s boring as fuck.
And they can’t wait to get out.

I understand it, poor kids
stuck in there all day.

As soon as that bell goes,
fuck off onto the playground.

Right.
Especially where we live.

Because as rough as fuck.
Fuck off, right?

So what happened was
this school door opens

and, right, one of his
little classmates, she runs out,

out the door too fast,
and she runs past me

and she just clips her own heel
and she goes fucking flying.

That’s not funny.

Just one evil bitch down here.

Everyone else going,
oh, that’s quite serious.

She’s like, "Ha-ha-ha!
Did she smash her face in?"

"That’s funny, that."
Fucking horrible bastard.

Cos it’s
a concrete playground.

It was concerning.

Know I mean? Poor kid’s got
glasses. You’ve got glasses on.

You should be more concerned.

And honestly, right,

in possibly the greatest thing
I have ever achieved,

and I mean this, this might
be the best thing

I’ve ever achieved
in my entire life. Genuinely.

Bar none. I mean,
in my peripheral vision as well.

I want to clarify.

I just want to emphasise that,
just because this is like

I’m looking at my lad here
and she runs past me.

She goes... she clips it here,
goes flying.

Concrete playground,
little glasses on,

could smash you face in,
could be scarred for life.

And I didn’t think
I just reacted and I just went,

fuck off.

And I caught her. Yeah.

About that far away
from the floor.

Honestly,
it was that incredible,

I didn’t check she was OK.

I just looked around
and waited for applause.

It was fucking phenomenal,
mate. It was unbelievable.

And I stood up and everyone
on the playground

was looking at me like, in awe,
going, "Fucking hell, mate."

And I didn’t want
to be a prick about it.

So I’m like,
I’m playing it down then.

I go, "No, it’s what anyone
would have done,

it’s what anyone
would have done."

"Anyone would have done
the same thing."

"I’m just happy
I was close enough."

"Any of you would have reacted
in the same way."

But in my head
I was like, "That was fucking incredible, Paul."

"Incredible, mate."

"None of these fat,
spongy cunts could have done that."

"That was absolutely
unbelievable, mate."

"I hope there’s CCTV on
in this playground

because that’s
getting on the news."

"That was some superhero shit,
you know?"

I felt I felt amazing,
I felt amazing

walking out
I’m strutting out of school.

Felt great, gets my lad
in the car, in the school car park,

strutting around the car,
cock of the school, chest out,

making eye contact with mums

when they look at me going,
"Did you hear what happened?"

"What happened?
The little girl, yeah?"

"She could have been
scarred for life,

don’t want to think about it.
It’s mad."

"Yeah, that was me. That.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no."

"It’s what anyone
would have done."

"It’s what anyone
would have done."

"Anyone would have
done the same thing."

"I’m just happy I was close."

"Sometimes just
the hero inside. You don’t know it’s there."

Felt amazing. I’m sorry.
I’m like,

I’ve had some great feelings
in my life, I really have.

I’m blessed to have had
some amazing feelings,

and this tops them all.

I felt so good about myself
to the point

where I got in my car
and I’m...

I’m a bit ashamed
to admit this.

I was I was giving myself
a pep talk.

I was talking to myself
in the rearview mirror.

I had to give myself a little
pep talk before I could drive.

I was looking at myself going,
"Do you know what, Paul?"

"You don’t give yourself
enough credit sometimes, son."

"You really
fucking don’t, mate,

you talk yourself down
on stage

and you talk
yourself down in person."

"What just happened
on the playground,

that shows the true content
of your character."

"That little girl, she could
have been scarred for life

and you stepped in.
No one else stepped in."

"And that shows
what type of a man you are."

"You are a good person, and
you do doubt that sometimes."

"And you tell people
that you don’t think you are,

but you obviously are

because of what just happened
on the playground."

"So I don’t want you
to ever doubt that again."

"I want you to walk
through this life knowing

what type of man you are."

"You are a good person, Paul.
You are a good person."

And then I went to put
my seatbelt on.

I had a line of jizz
from there to there.

Like, a full line
of jizz, mate.

A full line of semen on my arm.
Still there in a perfect line.

Still tacky. Tacky, tacky,
Evelyn, tacky semen.

Moist semen glistening
on my arm in a perfect line.

How is that possible
after two hours in bed?

How is that still here?

I don’t even know how it
got there in the first place,

if I’m honest,
I am 43 years of age.

My jizz has not traveled
that far in 20 fucking years.

I swear. I’m happy if it gets
past my fucking thumbnail, mate.

I would struggle to get jizz
there if I wanked upside down.

Oh, no, I couldn’t...

I couldn’t even understand
what it was.

I was looking at it going,
"What the fuck is that?"

Oh, no, that’s not jizz.
That’s not jizz.

That’s not jizz.
That’s not jizz.

Oh, fuck you.
That’s not jizz.

That’s not jizz. No, no.

You’ve gotta be sure.

And I panicked.
I just rubbed it in.

What are you gonna do?

You’re on a school car park
with jizz on your arm,

you can’t just
fucking leave it there.

And then the dread set in.

Cos I realised everyone was
looking at me on the playground.

I was like, oh, my God.

Everyone was looking at you
on the playground

and you had a big fucking line
of jizz on your arm.

This is the worst thing ever.
You can never come back here.

And then I thought, no,
no one must have seen it

because you’d think someone,
someone would go, "Excuse me."

"Is that, is that,
is that, is that,

is that, is that, is that,
is that jizz on your arm?"

But then I thought,
"They wouldn’t."

Some of them mums
are bitches, mate.

They won’t say fuck all.

They’ll just start
a WhatsApp group,

they’ll start
a fucking WhatsApp group.

And I’m sat
in the car convinced of what’s happening.

"There’s a WhatsApp group,
a WhatsApp group

and I’m the only person
not in it

and it’s called
Paul Jizzy Arm."

"Fuck! My life’s over
and I can never come back here."

And now I’m rehearsing
a horrible mental conversation

where I’ve got to explain
to my poor son

who loves that school,
he’s got loads of mates,

why he can never go back.

He won’t understand.
He’ll think it’s his fault.

He’ll be like, "Why, Daddy,
I miss all my friends."

And I’d be like,
"Cos I had an accident, OK?"

And then I realised I was
overreacting a little bit

cos I got off lightly
if anything, me.

Cos fuck me,
that could have been bad.

Like, the situation
I’m in there.

I’m stood there, I’m picking
my little lad up from school.

Some little kid just
running too fast,

no one’s fault,
accident, clips her own heel,

goes flying,
concrete playground.

Little glasses on,
could smash your face in,

could be scarred for life.
And I didn’t think.

I just reacted
and I stepped in

and I stopped that
from happening.

And that absolutely has to be
the morally correct thing to do.

I can’t see how it couldn’t be.
But she landed there.

I was an inch away from peeling
that child off my arm

like fucking Spider-Man.

And then what?
Would that have made it

the wrong thing to have done?

Should I have let her hit the
floor and be scarred for life

because the fucking police have
turned up.

Is this your semen
in this child’s hair?

And you can’t say, "No, mate."

You can’t say no because
they’re gonna do a DNA test.

And if you say no and it
turns out it is on a DNA test,

that just looks well worse,
doesn’t it?

You’d have to stand there
on the playground

in front of everyone and just
hold your hand up and go,

"Yes, officer,

I think that is my semen
in the child’s hair."

"But I’m really sorry.
I didn’t know it was there."

"I had a little wank
this afternoon,

I had Pornhub on full volume,

I must have got
a bit too excited."

But they’re not gonna take
that as an excuse.

Are they fuck?
You’re getting handcuffed,

you’re getting marched
off the playground.

Everyone’s filming it.
Trial by social media.

You’re guilty before you can
get in the fucking car, mate.

It’s all over Twitter and
Instagram and TikTok.

Paedophile Paul Smith jizzes
in a child’s hair.

Your life’s over, mate.

You’ll never be able to walk
the streets again ever again.

Ever again.
That’s if you’ve got a chance to as well,

because you fucking wouldn’t.

You’d never, ever, you’d never
walk the streets again

cos they wouldn’t let you.

They’d throw the book at you.
That’s me.

I’m sat in my car
imagining myself

walking onto the nonce wing
day one,

day one of a 20-year stretch,
thinking,

"How the fuck did this happen?"

"What an absolute whirlwind."

"I had the Lamborghini, I was
doing a world tour, and now

I’m in the nonce wing just
cos I wanted a little wank

in the afternoon.
And tried to be a fucking hero."

Dublin.

When they told me
they would let me film a special

and asked me
where they wanted to do it,

this just, this was
the first place.

I said I couldn’t imagine
anywhere better to do it

than this place.
You’re beautiful people

and it’s
just fucking been incredible.

Thank you so much.

I really appreciate
you all coming.

Thank you so much.
I hope you’ve enjoyed it.

I’ll see you all again
on the next one.

Good night, everyone.