Original subtitles

Previously on Breaking Bear.

Things have changed all around Bear Mountain. We're not finding food. We're

going to starve.

What the frack? Exactly.

Fracking for oil.

And it's happening all over the forest now. Humans are the real enemy.

Look at this. A selection of gourmet rock salt.

Huh?

Someone might be stealing our damn rock.

I could make you guys my partners.

You understand you cannot eat human flesh ever again.

Cher, I said no!

What? Fuck!

Oh, my fucking God, this is fucking delicious.

Cher, stop. Now.

These drugs are for selling so we can save the forest. Not for you.

These ribs are delicious.

I have a question. If I eat a man's penis, would that make me, you know,

gay?

Uh, not necessarily.

According to statistics, most heterosexual males have dabbled in some

harmless experimentation.

Oh, you meant actually.

Gives new meaning to the word junk food.

Oh, my God. Someone really needs to invent after Wienerman.

You mean this?

You know, I just realized I should have eaten his balls first, you know, as an

appetizer instead of for dessert.

Um, you got a bit of scrotum on your front tooth?

Uh-huh.

I feel guilty I didn't share this with you, Dwight. He was your friend, and I

bet you would have liked to taste his penis.

No, I wouldn't have.

He was circumcised.

I wonder if uncircumcised has a different flavor profile.

I love that! Fool! You don't get high on your own supplies.

Look at you. Five minutes into your new career as a drug dealer, and you're

already quoting Scarface to me like you're, what, the kingpin? You know I am

a badass bear!

I...

Of course not. You're fine. Because if my nose is bleeding, I am fully prepared

to do booty bumps.

Now, everyone, please focus.

Our mission is to save the forest.

Booty bumps?

Yeah. It's just what it sounds like.

It's a recipe that is very complicated and took us a long time to perfect.

Recipe? Yeah, like baking chocolate chip cookies.

Yum. Except chocolate chip cookies don't contain antifreeze, hydrochloride,

dollar store bug spray, brake fluid, methanol, magnesium, sodium, benzoate,

oxide, battery acid.

I hope there's no raisins. Good God, no.

Raisins are the devil's dingleberries.

Now, come on.

Let's whip this up some meth.

What's with these outfits?

I feel like Madonna's gynecologist. It's too tight. I feel trapped. If I can't

have meth, I need a honey jar. I need a honey jar. Calm down, buddy. Okay, I'm

sure there's honey here somewhere.

You mean bee poop? Check that cupboard.

Finally, honey jar.

That smells so bad, but... I

am a badass bear!

I am rubber, you are glue!

I wish I could sniff them, too!

Stop him!

Oh, no!

You got your honey in my meth! You got your meth in my honey!

Oh, my God, are you thinking what I'm thinking? That this is just like when

Taco Bell introduced the Doritos Locos Tacos? Not exactly that, no, but, uh,

yes, I think we're on the same wavelength here.

That smells amazing.

It does smell really good. I have an idea.

You move.

What the hell are you doing?

The best way to capture market share is to create a unique product that no one

else has.

Honey nut meth.

Two great tastes that go great together.

Like the Taco Bell Doritos Ojos Tago?

Did you skip lunch?

No. This.

Petrified bunny poop.

No. These are pine nuts, you Neanderthals.

And look.

Paper towels?

Were you dropped on your head?

Spices. Fucking spices.

Jeez, relax already, would ya?

I know, spices.

And I really don't appreciate you bringing up the fact that I was dropped

on my head in front of everyone.

Okay, let's try this.

Now, stir it.

It smells delicious.

Wink always tasted it, but he's dead.

Right. I'd do it, but I think the lingering aftertaste of cock and balls

in my mouth right now might be messing with my sophisticated palate.

My sophisticated palate hasn't been tainted by taint. Let me try it, please.

Please? Pretty please? Pretty please?

With sugar on it? And by sugar, I mean meth?

Alistair, stay in control.

Well, okay.

Just a little taste. One tiny puff.

Hmm. And?

Uh-huh, uh-huh. The honey is coating my throat. The bouquet is smoky, full

-bodied yet delicate. I taste, I taste the pine nuts. But with just a whisper

of fresh truffles and the aftertaste, my God, it's almost buttery. My word, it is

so piquant.

And scrumptious.

Well, sure. I mean, I would have come up with that, too, if I hadn't just eaten a

dick. Okay, that's enough for now.

Nobody tell this badass bear how much to smoke!

Okay,

we need to meet your distributor.

Oh, uh, Wink handled distribution.

I don't know who his connection was.

Jesus, you are a terrible drug dealer.

Well, my heart isn't teaching.

What do you teach, chemistry?

No, I am the drama teacher.

See, I was hired after the governor started a new school. And the plan

was... As your governor, I want to proclaim a new day of freedom as we open

this junior high school and welcome the man we are naming the school after.

No government should tell you what to put in your child's body.

That is why... I am proud to open the Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Junior High School

for the vaccine hesitant.

Everything was great until... So it seems the few kids have polio

and the media's making a big deal about it.

Did polio stop Franklin D. Roosevelt from becoming president?

No!

As he said, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Are we scaredy cats who fear polio?

No! Are we wimps who are scared of a little paralysis?

No! Do you want Big Pharma's polio vaccine or natural immunity?

Natural immunity!

There's only one thing to do.

You tested positive for polio. We'll be making out with those who need natural

immunity.

Let's start kissing.

So how did that go?

Unfortunately, 90% of our kids ended up paralyzed. And to afford making the

school wheelchair accessible, we have to cut the school musical.

That's when I discovered that our janitor, Wayne, was selling drugs to

kids.

What you are doing is horrible, disgusting, immoral.

I'm alerting the police.

Unless you help me pay for the school musical.

And that's how we became partners.

Blackmail.

the best way to start a friendship.

Yeah, just like Trump and Putin.

I'd love to see those Polaroids. Right?

So what you're telling us is that you have no underworld connections

whatsoever. None.

Oh, wait.

Actually, I have this former student, the most talented actress I ever worked

with. She might be able to help.

Move over.

Hello. Hello.

Hi, how are you?

Good.

Are you by any chance with Flo Flo, the street house so sweet they named her

twice? And if so, may I talk to her?

Oh, why, is that my favorite teacher of all time, Mr. Salter?

My favorite student of all time.

What a surprise to have you visit me at work.

Can you give me one second to finish up?

You betcha.

Hang on!

She's going as fast as she can.

You know, I wouldn't be who I am today if you hadn't cast me as Mimi in Rent.

It showed me you could be a drug addict with AIDS and still be glamorous.

In fact, if I hadn't learned about method acting from you, I never even

would have tried heroin.

Thank you, Mr.

Seltzer. Hey, I put the meth in method.

Musical theater really does change people's lives.

Let me introduce you to my partners.

Ah! They're bears!

Grizzly bears!

Who's gonna buy meth from bears?

They'll scare everybody.

Folks buy stuff from scary people all the time.

Jeff Bezos. Elon Musk.

Kim Kardashian.

Us? Scary?

I think my good friend Dwight here would disagree.

See?

But we're like big teddy bears.

That's it.

Big teddy bears.

We'll just tell people you're furries.

Furries? Yes.

Horny, kinky people merely dress up like animals. You'll be full-time, 24-hour

lifestyle furries. I like it. A human in a fur suit, which is kind of like what I

really am.

Flo Flo, please.

We really need your help. You said it yourself. You'd be living a very

different life right now if it weren't for me.

That's true.

I suppose I could set up distribution for you. Do you remember Katie Durant,

Josie Wells, and Chrissy Cotillion?

Some of my most talented students.

They could help us.

We need a top-notch sales team for this stuff, and nobody knows how to sell

better than you whores. Being cast as a prostitute changed my life.

Katie, you were better than Nicole Kidman playing that whore in Moulin

Rouge. Look at you. You got a great career, and without the indignity of

having to compromise your morals by sleeping with Tom Cruise.

What show were you in that influenced your life?

I resent your implication.

Musical theater didn't affect my lifestyle choices in any way.

So... What show are you in? Pretty Woman the Musical.

I still can't believe all my favorite students stayed friends and still work

in an aspect of the entertainment industry where you get to hone your

acting skills on a one-on-one basis.

And we're so happy to help with the funding for musical theater. Let me

propose a toast to junior high school musical theater.

To the theater!

You'll be awake for life.

Just give it a try.

Find a glory hole in the bathroom.

You've had some feed or snacks that suck you up before.

But besides a certain heart attack, we're sure that you'll adore.

That our recipe's your destiny for flavorful calamity.

Inside a pipe. Now suck me just right.

Coming up, math is your ticket to paradise.

You've got some strong ones you're hooked on.

Well,

this is our last stop.

I'm so proud of you. Aw, thank you, Mr. Salter. Good luck with your musical.

Oh, thank you.

Mr. Salter?

4'10", 4'20".

420. What the hell?

I fainted. Go away.

You fainted?

Yes, I did. I'm talking in my sleep. I'm fully asleep.

Deep, deep REM sleep. No need to hit.

Go away now, please.

Nice try, buddy. You think I don't know what fake sleep is? I was married for 20

years. Let me show you how I'd wake Margaret up. I'm awake!

Good night, Margaret.

What is going on?

Let us out! What made you fools think you could sell meth here?

Don't get me wrong.

I love the whole furry gimmick, but this is our territory.

Read our tattoos.

Our territory fucking?

Switch!

Territory our fucking.

Switch our fucking territory.

That's very intimidating.

Karen!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

That's Flammation Point?

Holy shit, they're not messing around!

That's right.

Know what these teardrops mean.

You're sensitive?

No. You've been chopping onions.

No. You all just watched Avengers Endgame?

These tears mean we killed for this territory and will kill again.

We are the only meth distributors in this area.

Mine's actually a raindrop.

Really makes your swastika pop.

Good for you.

Oh, thank you.

Now, what do you guys want from us?

We want the formula for your honey nut meth.

Never. Well, then we keep you in this cage and we watch you starve when we

smoke all your shit.

All of it?

Can you at least blow the smoke towards me?

Oh, the bouquet is so sophisticated.

It's pecan and scrumptious.

There are 200 million white men in America.

Every four years, how many of those 200 million white men gets elected

president? Um, one?

Exactly. Why can't the other 200 million white men be president, too?

I don't know.

Discrimination. Anti-white discrimination.

They hate everything white. My doctor said to eat breads made with whole

grains instead of white flour.

They say diabetes is caused by white sugar.

What kind of flag do you raise when you surrender during a war?

The white flag.

Why is it white?

It's the flag of fear, and we Aryans are not afraid of anything.

Yeah!

Well, except black people.

We're not afraid of anything except black people.

I'm scared of Jews, especially Jewish bankers.

OK, OK, we're not scared of anything except black people, Jews, especially

Jewish bankers. And Mexicans.

Me too, but I do like taco salad.

I'm scared of trans people using the same bathroom as me. Oh, yeah? I'm

scared of that, too.

Damn it! Okay, we're totally fearless, and nothing scares us except for black

people, Jews, Jewish bankers, Mexicans, and trans people using bathrooms.

And did I mention fear of commitment?

No, no, you didn't. You didn't. Then please add that and pass me the mess

pipe. That's a lot of fears for fearless people.

Oh, damn!

This mess is good!

The bears will not replace us! The bears will not replace us! The bears will not

replace us! The bears will not replace us! The bears will not replace us! What

the fuck are they looking at? Is my Hitler tattoo moving?

If this is what people in meth are like, I'm never smoking meth again. I hate how

it makes me aggressive.

Violent. And incredibly strong.

Oh, my gosh.

What? I need your tie.

Now put your hands on the bars at the door and try and pull them apart.

I can't pull them apart.

You told me to never do meth again.

Unless we're trapped in an Aryan Brotherhood bear-proof cage. Inhale.

smoking meth can i just eat one more human god damn it just one more yes okay

but i have a question for you are you uncircumcised i'm a

motherfucking aryan what do you think oh yeah

but also yummier. I want to eat every Aryan's wiener. Oh, my God.

Garrett, stop.

Okay, okay.

Everybody stop.

We will spare your lives, but you warn everyone in town.

No one fucking deals meth without the permission of us bears.

We motherfucking badass bears now rule this fucking town!

Exclamation point.

Grab their chemicals.

And I can't leave this dead, half-eaten body as evidence, so I'll just take it

to go.

Just to hide the evidence.

Whoa, damn it.

Oh, thank God you're alive.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's just so slippery.

This is what happens when you skip leg day, Jer.

You know how people say, do bears shit in the woods?

Yeah.

Well, they got it wrong.

Bears fuck shit up in the woods.

Motherfuckers.

That'll teach him. Yeah.

Nobody tied me up without paying.

Keep that, fucker.