Original subtitles

you

I think we deserve a beer, some fresh air, and then some lunch. Yo!

Oh, man.

Uh, dude, are you thinking of taking a swim?

Why? Because, dude, you are in your underwear in front of another guy.

And? And because that usually only happens if you're planning on going

swimming or at the beginning of a gay porno.

Wait. How would you know what happens at the beginning of a gay porno? Stop

trying to change the subject, man.

This is about you standing around once again in nothing but your undies. We

have talked about this so many times. Even if it's just two guys cooking meth

together in an RV, there are certain workplace protocols.

Fuck!

File a complaint with HR.

Oh, shit, damn, fuck!

This water's colder than my uncle's handjobs.

Yo, man, what the hell is that?

Okay, don't judge me. That water was cold.

No, stupid, that!

Is someone in the RV?

Someone might be stealing our damn truck.

Idiot. Those are black bears.

Oh, dude, hey, man. There's no reason to bring race into this.

Show yourselves, you little Armenian bears.

We don't want to hurt you. We just want our stash back.

There you are. Now I got you, you stupid animal.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, you dirty little skank. You like that? I'm a bear. You're a human.

This is so wrong.

Shit! Shit! Why do I always prematurely... Wake up!

Every freaking hibernation! If it was one night... Okay, I get it. But a five

-month wet dream?

Fuck no!

The damn god of birth!

Not this time, hibernation heart on winter wood, forest footlong, because

I'm hotter than the average bear.

Hello.

I'm hungry and horny. I'm randy and ravenous.

My favorite kind of book, a hiding place for porn.

Good thing these never go bad.

My two favorite things, food and porn.

Stop!

My eyes!

It burns!

Ew! I just had my fur done.

Relax, it's just a cream filling from my twinkle cake.

Sweet ghost of Pee Wee Herman. You do this after every hibernation. Honey jar!

Honey jar comes me. Honey jar comes me.

Yes, it does, Pudding Pants. Yes, it does.

I'm here for you.

Please tell me you weren't watching human porn.

No, I was doing Pilates. It's important to stretch after hibernation, you know.

Limber up them joints. Get rid of the stiffness.

Ow! The fuck?

Barely Legal, Volume 12?

Exactly. Barely legal.

I'm a horny bear.

Ew. Not a spelling bee champion. What kind of bear wants to masturbate to

humans having sex?

Stop tick-shaming me. Human porn, human TV, human food, it's all just so good.

Sorry to interrupt your erotic TED Talk, but while you were snoozing, I read...

Bear codependent no more. And I'm changing all my behavior patterns.

You oversleep every year, and then you expect me to take care of you and your

brother. No more. Can I have another honey jar? Or three? Or four? Or five?

Of course, baby.

Fuck, I did it again.

You seem cranky. How long you been awake?

Three weeks.

Three weeks. And you got me no food. We're not finding food. We're going to

starve. Things have changed all around Bear Mountain.

Really changed.

I will reveal to you my secret spot for food.

I've had some of my finest meals here. Take a moment and breathe in the magic

aroma.

Mmm, spoiled spam, moldy melons, tart and tangy tampons.

Nom, nom, nom.

What the fuck? Ow!

Oh, yeah. I should have warned you, huh?

Turns out that while we were hibernating, the humans bear-proofed

every garbage can in the park.

I can get this open.

Ow! No! I can't! Ow! I can't! Ow!

No, I can't!

What about the berry bushes on Blustery Hill?

They are yummy.

See, Blair, like many females, you were edgy when you were hungry.

Shame on you for being an alarmist once again.

Go ahead.

You get some berries first, Jer.

I know you're hungry.

I made it.

Black Bear!

Black Bear!

What the frack?

Exactly. Fracking for oil.

And it's happening all over the forest now.

Filthy motherfuckers.

Look, they're literally sucking the life right out of our habitat.

Ew. At least gentrification can be kind of cute. This is just gross.

I don't know why the noble humans would do that to me. Their biggest fan.

This... It's supposed to be protected land for the animals.

Oh, inhale that odor.

These humans left fruit inside cooking knowing that we were coming.

Care? No.

No!

Come on!

Gee, did no one hear me say no?

Whoa.

Whoa, look at all these jars of honey.

The rich know how to do honey right.

This is amazing.

Whoa.

Help!

There's wild bears in my brand new luxury cabin.

Smoked salmon.

Fuck yeah, I'll try.

Hey, don't bogart the fish.

You two are disgusting.

I mean, I've been essentially starving in hibernation for the last few months

too, but you don't see me.

Who's that?

It's just the forest protector, the park rangers.

They always think it's annoying yet amusing when a bear steals food.

Here's the thing. If you treat humans with love and respect, you will get

treated with love and respect back.

Hello, lovely rangers.

Where's the love and respect? Get down on the fucking ground now. Stop

resisting.

I'm on the ground. Mr. Ranger.

Save me, Blair.

Save me, Blair. Why don't you just have that tattooed on your freaking forehead?

Get your paws up and get down on the fucking ground.

Fucking bear bitch. Run.

It's locked.

This way.

Oh, no. They're not getting away.

Fair warning.

I got my own bear spray, biatches.

Oh, shit.

Trust me, sex is overrated.

No, you dirty ranger bastard!

Stop! Wait.

What?

Bulimia is no laughing matter.

You know, you aren't nice, like the rangers in cartoons.

have any more of these darts i really enjoyed the nap and sometimes over-the

-counter melatonin just doesn't do the trick i'm the new head ranger here and

things are gonna run properly for once humans top of the fucking food chain

animals bottom the fucking bottom fucking bottom is that even an option

i didn't think i'd be happy to go back home after months of hibernation You

idiots broke into the governor's new cabin, so here's your punishment.

A remote cave is the perfect spot for fracking flowback fluid waste.

Ew.

Bear Mountain is now Oil Mountain.

You're not allowed back here.

Fuck.

Where are they taking us?

No, no, no, no, no, no!

This is the worst possible

place you guys could leave us.

Exactly.

This is Wolf Hollow. What the fuck are bears doing in wolf territory?

It's the Wolf Queen.

Wolf Pack, assemble!

Bears are in your territory.

So what are you going to do about... What the fuck?

Mom, come here and smell.

Mommy's busy. And stay away from that nice man's pleated khakis.

Human junk smells really good. I'm getting a Bath and Body Works cucumber

body wash scent.

See, I'm not the only animal who appreciates human genitalia. Wait, is

that lavender dryer sheet with the... Subtle top note of Costco Romano cheese

I'm picking up. Need I remind you that only lowly dogs smell crutches, not us

superior wolves.

Now get the fuck away from me, freak.

Please don't leave us here.

Let's find out what happens to bears in Wolf Hollow.

Please don't eat me. I haven't finished my DVD yet. Don't worry, Jer.

Bears are superior fighters.

Three of us against six of them.

I like the odds.

I suck at math, but the odds are we're fucked.

Run!

We

could

have taken them, but I think I pulled something during my jerk fest.

Next time, let me know if I can help. Next time, let me know if you need me to

lend a hand.

I'm out with fighting the wolves.

Hold on a second. They're not the ones who dump toxic sludge in our house and

cut down our forest for profit.

Humans are the real enemy.

Let's make a pact to stay away from all humans.

Oh, I'm so hungry.

Let's look for food at London Lake.

We could fish for salmon there.

You do know salmon is full of mercury, right? Too much mercury inside of you,

and you're dead.

Who are you? Bill Nair, the science bear?

Here's another fun fact.

No food inside you, and you're dead, too. Wait.

Does anyone smell smoke? No. Does it smell like burning toast? If so, you may

be having a stroke.

No. I can smell it, too.

Oh, my God.

You're both having strokes.

What are the chances?

I'll never survive on my own. I'll never survive.

Oh, never mind.

Whoa.

I bet whatever they're cooking is delicious.

Um, stay focused. We just said we would stay away from humans. Do you need more

examples? Look at what they've done to our beautiful planet.

Global warming, war, Billie Eilish.

Population, starvation, Dr. Pimple Popper.

Slavery, genocide, vegan cheese.

Easy. People suck.

But you must admit they make great food.

They really do. Come on, player. Can't we just do what folks who eat at Chick

-fil-A do? Enjoy the yummy food and ignore the horrible people?

Humans had their chance over and over. I'm fed up. Do what you want. I'm

hunting solo.

Live, laugh, love.

When you die of mercury poisoning, say hi to Freddy for me.

planning on going swimming, or at the beginning of a gay porno.

Wait.

Maybe we were wrong. Smells awful.

Our top story tonight. Shocking security footage shows what appears to be an

Armenian family. No, wait. It's bears ransacking the governor's newly built

luxury cabin in Daniel Boone State Forest.

We made the news?

For more, we take you to our star reporter on the scene.

Hi, Tawny.

Thanks, Ken.

I'm standing in front of the very cabin where a fierce, ferocious bear savagely

broke in.

She thinks I'm a ferocious savage.

Ferociously sexy.

Am I right?

According to Ranger Darcy, the governor was working in his office when the bears

arrived. What would have happened to the unsuspecting governor if he came face to

face with these savage beasts? Do we have to worry about these bears brutally

attacking humans?

No, the forest is now safe. The bears have been ethically relocated to a

peaceful environment far, far away from human contact.

But I heard that once an animal tastes human flesh, they will want to eat it

again and again and again.

What if a bear did eat a human?

In Borneo, certain tribes eat other humans.

They say it tastes like the most delicious meat they've ever tasted.

Really? How do they prepare it? They roast it in the ground for eight hours,

wrapped in palm leaves, and it makes the meat incredibly tender, like fall-off

-the-bone tender.

Thanks, honey. That sounds delicious.

For the first time in my life, I am not thinking about porn.

Blair was right. Humans stink, and so does this place. Let's get out of here.

Oh, look. Look, a fridge.

Rotisserie chicken!

Yeah, it needs some salt.

Where do they keep it?

Look at this. A selection of gourmet rock salt.

Oh, this salt... This salt has an odd metallic taste.

It's making my tongue go numb.

It doesn't... It doesn't smell like normal salt either.

Oh, my God! Everything

makes perfect sense now. I'm everything and nothing.

I can see it all so clearly. God, man, bear, the universe.

Have you ever seen Christopher Nolan and Jennifer Gould together?

No.

Coincidence or conspiracy?

Oh, man, what the hell is that?

Someone in the RV?

We have to get out of here.

Die, motherfuckers.

That was a bullet. Bullets can't harm me. Nothing can harm me. I'm a badass

bear. Hey, I need more salt.

Fine, fuck it. We all have a drug of choice. I need more of that rotisserie

chicken. What the?

Fuck, what the? We're getting robbed by Armenians.

Wearing crotch while eating broccoli equals broccoli.

We don't want to hurt you. We just want our stack back.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Motherfuckers.

Yo, there you are. Now I got you.

Stupid animal.

No!

Bullets can't harm me! Nothing can harm me!

Nobody aims a gun at my brothers.

You saved us.

I'm supposed to stop saving you. God damn it. I am so codependent. Please

don't kill me. I'll get you anything you want. Picnic baskets, food, honey, all

the honey you can eat. Fuck honey. What about this amazing rock salt?

Fuck yeah.

What the hell is my brother sniffing? That is crystal meth.

Give me your wallet.

Dwight Salter, you're a teacher?

Yes. Oh, yeah? Teacher, prove it. What is algebra?

Useless? Fuck, he's good.

I believe manufacturing methamphetamine with intent to distribute is a class one

felony with a minimum 10 years sentence. The governor cut funding for the school.

I'm trying to help. If you watch TV, you would know most people deal drugs as a

way to do good.

Their husband dies and they have to pay the mortgage or they get cancer. And

because we live in the only advanced nation that doesn't have universal

health care, we need to deal drugs to pay the medical bills.

So most drug dealers are good guys?

Of course we are. We are doing bad to do good.

So if I, say, wanted to fight frackers who were destroying my forest,

could I use drug money to do that? Of course.

I could make you guys my partners, teach you everything.

Doing bad to do good.

We are going to take our forest back.

Was he also doing bad to do good?

Well, no.

He was just a meth head.

In the meth trade, like the police force, you do get the occasional bad

apple. And you shot him?

Oh, shit.

Please help me hide the body.

I know the best place to hide it.

Mind you, it's not something I want to do, but as a team player wanting to help

you, I will agree to hide his body.

Where?

In my belly. I just swallowed his arm.

Huh? What?

I heard the reporters say animals can never get over the taste of human flesh.

Oh, no. No, no. I cannot believe it. You understand you cannot eat human flesh

ever again.

You're right. You're right. I won't ever... I mean, I shouldn't.

No, I will not.

But... Chair!

I said no!

What? Fuck!

Oh, my...

Fucking God, that is fucking delicious.

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