Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Ah, come on, lady.

A Santa suit on a poodle, that just

demeans the dog and you.

Mostly you.

And the least you can do is pick

up all his little presents.

Merry Christmas, or should I just go screw

myself?

Oh, relax.

I've reached a non-aggression pact with the

holidays.

I have absolutely no expectations.

No expectations, no disappointments.

Let me tell you about disappointments.

My first Christmas at the building super, and

that one lousy tip.

I even checked out cards.

Meanwhile, look what I got back.

Fixed this, fixed that.

Oh, and my favorite.

Jesus is watching over me.

I don't need Jesus watching over me.

I need Jesus with a fistful of cash.

Isn't that the logo for the 700 Club?

As much as I hate to agree with

you, John, I think I'm gonna have to

pass on Christmas this year, too.

I hope you're happy, Becker.

Now you ruined Jake.

No, Reg, it's not John's fault.

I mean, you know how I spend Christmas

every year with my grandma?

Well, this year, she's going to Atlantic City

with her friend.

So why don't you go with her?

Because I wasn't invited.

I mean, between them, they have a wheelchair,

a walker, and an oxygen tank, and they

think I'll be the one in the way.

Well, I intend on having a great Christmas.

Look at this.

I found it in the back while I

was defrosting a bag of omelets.

My dad saved it for when I was

a little girl.

It was always my favorite.

See, it's hand-painted.

It's an angel blowing a trumpet.

Looks more like Liberace drinking a martini.

Very funny.

It's one of a kind.

It was handmade in Greece.

Yeah, much like this sandwich.

See?

Now it's Christmas, and there's nothing any of

you can say to ruin it for me.

Oh, my angel!

Like I said, no expectations, no disappointments.

All right, what do we got?

And a good morning to you, too.

Fine.

Morning.

Mr. Remick's in one.

Smashed his thumb trying to put a bike

together for his son, and in two, there's

a Santa with a black eye.

I-I don't care who he's with.

What's wrong with him?

Not a black guy.

A black eye.

Oh.

Well, that's different, isn't it?

Hey, Margaret, did I mention that alpha looks

really great on you?

What do you want, Linda?

You're right, that was an obvious lie.

Okay, here's the thing.

My parents are coming for Christmas, and they're

gonna stop by the office, and, well, somehow,

they got the idea that I'm the office

manager and that you report to me.

You told them that?

No, they just heard it.

They also might have heard that you're constantly

messing up and you're always late.

Oh, so they think I'm you.

Exactly.

So if you could just pretend to be

me while they're here, then that would make

everything less confusing all the way around.

That's a perfect plan.

No.

Please, Margaret, I really want to impress my

parents.

You have no idea how disappointed they are

in me.

Well, you know, I really never could please

my parents either.

Margaret, I don't have time for your life

story.

I got a problem here.

Bad judgment, right?

Extremely.

Oh, but I suppose five minutes can't hurt.

Thank you, Margaret.

It is Christmas, but after the holidays, you

watch yourself.

Look, look, Santa, the traditional greeting is ho,

ho, ho.

Whenever a pretty girl walks by and you

just say ho, she has every right to

deck you.

Ho, ho, ho.

I'm telling you, if I don't get a

tip from one of those lousy tenants soon,

I'm shutting off their heat.

That ought to make you real popular.

Yeah?

Screw them.

I can't guarantee a white Christmas, but for

some of those old farts, it's going to

be a blue one.

Oh, crap.

It's Sarah from the bakery.

She's always acting like her life is better

than mine.

Her life is better than yours.

That's not the point.

She makes me sick, the big phony.

Sarah, hi.

Merry Christmas.

You, too.

You know, I meant to come over earlier,

but my bakery is so busy, I can't

get out the door.

Well, it certainly is nice and quiet here.

Yeah.

Well, I was meaning to come over and

see you, too, but I've just been swamped,

you know, running the diner and going to

school...

and running the diner.

Tell me about it.

Between my kids and my husband?

Oh, I don't have a moment to myself.

You're so lucky you don't have that problem.

Yeah.

Lucky.

Well, it's been great catching up, but, of

course, the reason why I'm here is the

St. Agnes Toy Drive.

You know, for the orphans.

I have collected the most toys seven years

in a row.

I know.

You told me.

Seven years in a row.

So, would it be all right if I

put a flyer for my toy drive up

in your window?

I would love to let you, but, you

know, I'm actually doing my own toy drive

this year.

Oh, really?

Yes, really.

Well, life certainly can't beat you down.

I'll give you that.

Merry Christmas.

You, too.

Since when did you get involved in the

toy drive?

Since I decided that my sole purpose in

life is to crush her like a bug.

There.

Oh, finally got it put back together.

Reggie, what exactly is that supposed to be?

It's an angel blowing a trumpet.

You know, you might want to reposition the

trumpet so it's not coming out of the

angel's, uh, raincoat.

John, it's getting late.

You have to go and give Mrs. Gelman

her flu shot.

Oh, why doesn't she just come to the

office?

Because she's 97.

And it might be nice if you took

her a gift.

I know just what to get her.

A robe that closes.

Margaret, my parents will be here soon.

We should practice.

Oh, don't worry.

I know my part.

Please.

Oh, fine.

You are so lucky to have a daughter

like Linda.

She is my role model.

I have learned so much from her.

Yeah.

I'm not saying that.

You promise.

And I credit Linda for showing me the

path to sobriety.

You know, she's so much nicer since she

stopped drinking.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Merry Christmas.

I didn't know Margaret drank.

Then again, she does work for Becca.

Check it out, toots.

Bob's here with toys for the tots.

Bob, that's great.

That'll bring us up to over 40 toys.

I'm going to destroy Sarah.

So where did you get them?

I took them off people in the building.

Wait, you stole toys?

Stole is such an ugly word.

Besides, most of these toys are from the

lost and found, all right?

Can you give kids used toys?

Reg, they're orphans.

If they don't mind using them, they're not

going to mind used parents.

They're not going to mind used toys.

Excuse me.

I'm not cutting in line.

I'm just trying to take a shortcut to

the store to get to my car.

Oh, thank God.

Doctor coming through.

Why are you shopping tonight, for God's sake?

You had to have seen this holiday coming.

Hey!

I'm in hell.

Oh, hey.

Look at that.

That's Liberace drinking a martini.

Wonderful.

Oh!

May I help you?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

I want to buy that ornament right there.

I'm sorry.

It's part of the display and not for

sale.

It's Christmas.

Everything's for sale.

Sir, I need you to step back over

the rope.

Yeah, look, help me out here.

A friend of mine had an ornament just

like that, but it broke.

It'd really mean a lot to her if

I could replace it.

And it would mean a lot to me

if you would please step out of the

display.

Yeah, look, Justin, your little name tag says,

May I Help You.

You're not helping me.

And that sign says North Pole, but we're

not really there, now, are we?

Now step out of the display.

Thank you.

Yeah, well, it's a stupid display.

You know something?

Oh!

Ho, ho, ho.

Oh, God.

Ho, ho, ho.

Move along, folks.

Nothing to see.

Just a man who didn't listen to me

and fell down.

You've got to get up.

I can't.

I threw my back out.

I'm in a lot of pain.

I can't move my legs.

I can barely move my arms.

You're gonna have to move me, but do

it delicately.

Sorry, the lawyers tell us we can't help

anyone.

Train.

What?

Train.

What the hell are you talking about?

Ow!

As I said, train.

Now, all right, I'll call the paramedics.

Yeah, call my office, too, will you, please?

It's 5550199, Dr. John Becker.

Okay, but first, I'm going to cover you

with a blanket...

What?

What?

...so you don't go into shock.

Wait a minute.

That's not a blanket.

This is fake snow.

You're trying to hide me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not gonna lay here and listen to

that crap.

Sorry, nothing I can do.

Oh, thank you.

Train.

Ooh!

Hey!

Hey, come on, get me out of here,

will you?

I swear to God I'll sue you!

Hey, take this thing off me!

Mommy, I don't like that scary toy.

That mean Mr. Angry Head.

It's Dr. Angry Head.

This is great.

We have almost 50 toys.

Hey, we might actually beat Sarah.

Not quite, frosty the blind man.

I was just down at the bakery, and

Sarah's got, like, 300 toys.

Oh, damn it!

Hey, you know what, Red?

Sarah's been working on this for months.

We can't beat her, but so what?

We only have 50 toys.

That's 50 more toys for the orphans.

More for the orphans, more for the orphans.

You're missing the point, Jake.

We can still beat her.

Miracles can happen.

Oh, Red.

Is this the season of damn miracles, or

isn't it?

We just need to get creative.

Look, you can take Barbie, separate her from

her clothes.

You got two toys.

Who wants a doll without clothes?

Well, besides you.

You know what?

I don't want any part of this.

I'm taking a walk.

Jake, wait.

I-I'm sorry.

Oh, I guess I got so wrapped up

in beating Sarah, I guess I lost sight

of what's really important.

Will you forgive me?

Yeah, yeah.

Forget it.

I'll be back in a little while.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort

to that.

I've never been more proud of you in

my entire life.

♪ Christmas is the time of sharing ♪

Christmas is the time of caring ♪ If

you believe in Christmas ♪ Then you'll never

join the Christmas party Oh.

Oh, thank God.

If I hear that damn song one more

time, I'll blow my Christmas brains out.

Oh, oh, oh.

No, no, no, don't, don't, don't.

No.

No.

Linda, what are you wearing?

I'm an office manager, Margaret.

What do you think?

I'm gonna wear a polyester smock?

So, my parents will be here any minute.

Could you please make coffee?

Margaret, be a lamb and grab that.

You have lost your mind.

Doctor's office.

She's very busy right now, but I'll see

if I can get her.

Nice touch.

Hi, Mom, where are you?

Are you on your way?

Oh, no, that's okay.

I understand.

You have a Merry Christmas, too.

They're not coming.

Their friends invited them to go skiing in

Aspen.

Oh, Linda, I'm so sorry.

That's okay.

I'd rather go to Aspen than visit me,

too.

Linda, you know you're welcome to spend Christmas

Eve with Louis and me.

With you there, we'd have someone to talk

to.

As much fun as that sounds, I think

I'd rather just be by myself.

Merry Christmas, Margaret.

Hey!

Ow!

Hey, don't pretend like you don't know I'm

here.

What now?

Where are the paramedics?

I don't know.

Maybe they're in Kitchenware's.

We're having a big sale.

Oh, I know.

Ow!

You didn't say train.

Sorry, train.

Look, at least unplug the damn display.

Oh, no, no, get, get.

Don't push that.

No, no, you push that.

I swear to God, Santa won't bring you

a single present.

All right, all right, wait, wait, wait.

I'll give you a dollar.

Five dollars.

Okay, okay.

I'll give you $20.

Oh, thank you.

All right, let's do me a favor, though.

I can't move.

Reach into my pocket and get my wallet.

Oh, no.

We saw a video about that in school.

Oh, no, no, I didn't mean that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, don't.

Hey, Rach.

Yeah?

The strangest thing just happened to me.

Two people just came up to me and

gave me toys for the orphans.

Two toys?

That's it?

Yeah, I know.

You'd think you'd get more toys putting a

sign on a blind guy's back.

I mean, where do you get these ideas,

the little rascals?

I don't know what I was thinking.

I was stupid to think I could beat

Sarah.

You can never beat people like that.

Oh, I was wrong.

There are no Christmas miracles.

Guess what?

There was a fire down at Sarah's bakery

and all the toys burned up.

Yes!

Oh, wait, was anyone hurt?

No.

Yes!

Miracles do happen, I told you.

God bless us, everyone.

So, should we bring the toys down to

the orphanage?

Yeah, whatever.

Finally.

Oh, thank God.

Linda, Linda, over here.

Yeah.

Dr. Becker, what are you doing down there?

Oh, I threw my back out.

Well, let me help you up.

No, no, no, no, no.

We better wait for the paramedics.

What are you doing here?

Well, my parents were supposed to come visit,

but they canceled.

I thought coming here to see the Christmas

decorations might cheer me up.

So far, it hasn't helped.

Oh, well, that was your first mistake.

Expecting something for Christmas.

Just take a page from my book.

No expectations, no disappointments.

But if you can't look forward to the

holidays, then what's the point?

Oh, come on.

You're old enough to realize that holidays suck.

I mean, you start at Thanksgiving with an

idea of how things should be.

By Christmas, all your dreams are shot to

hell.

Then everybody drinks on New Year's Eve to

forget about how bad the past month actually

was.

Then they start the new year with their

heads in the toilet, which is pretty symbolic,

if you think about it.

All I wanted for Christmas was to see

my parents.

Oh, geez.

Oh, I'm sorry, Linda.

Look, I'm just having a bad day.

You know, I suppose there are parts of

Christmas that are good.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Like what?

Like...

Like what?

Yeah.

Well, um...

Well, there's...

Well...

Christmas is a time for sharing.

And Christmas is a time for caring.

And I guess if you believe in Christmas

things, you'll know the joy that Christmas brings.

Wow, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever

heard, Dr. Becker.

Thank you.

That really helps.

Get off me.

Hey, why is the display off?

Uh, some kid in a striped shirt did

it.

He went that way.

Hey, my friend had an ornament just like

that one, but it broke.

Is that one for sale?

No.

What the heck?

It's Christmas.

Go ahead and take it.

Thanks.

Hey, that's the one I wanted.

Why didn't you give it to me?

Because I don't like you.

Oh, don't do that.

I hate Christmas.