Original subtitles

- Good evening, Mr. Barrett. - Evening, Tom.

- Good evening, Bob. - Hello, how's your throat?

- Thirsty. - No, I mean for singing.

Papers say there's a lot of sore throats going around.

I guess maybe my throat can't read.

Anyway, I was never in better voice.

That's swell.

I'm sorry, Bob.

Sprain your ankle, Mr. Barrett?

Listen, my fine-feathered understudy, you may as well know the facts:

I'm in perfect voice.

Nobody suddenly got ill, so I don't have to leave town.

I'm not apt to get ptomaine poisoning and...

Hello, Marshall. Bob here is having a bad case of understudy jitters.

He's worrying about my health.

- Is Blake in? - Yeah, he's in his office.

I know how you feel, Bob. I had four years of it myself.

Funny, isn't it, how they only get sick on Sundays?

That fellow hasn't missed a performance in over a year.

I don't think I'll ever get a chance to play the part.

Especially if lmmigration decides I have to leave the country tonight.

If I do have to leave, I bet Mr. Barrett gets sick tomorrow.

What's happening? They granting you another stay?

I don't think there's much chance, myself.

Mr. Blake has the lmmigration man in his office now.

- What's the verdict? - Immigration has refused another stay.

Poor fellow.

He'll have to leave the country by midnight.

Gee, that's too bad.

I wish I didn't have to give him the bad news.

Let me do it. I think I can make it sound not quite so bad.

All right.

What's the matter, Mr. Barrett?

- I seem to have caught a cold. - A cold?

- Yeah, it came on me all of a sudden. - You better get to a doctor.

Here's your chance. You're playing the part.

Thanks very much, Mr. Barrett. I mean, I'm sorry about your throat.

Don't you worry. I'm not a bit nervous. I won't blow up.

- I'm as cool as a cucumber. - I know you are, Bob.

There's something else I want to talk to you about.

Oh, Mr. Miller.

Tom, I made it. I'm playing the lead tonight.

That's fine.

- Bob? - Yes, Mr. Blake.

This is Mr. Miller of the lmmigration Department.

Sorry. He says you'll have to leave the country tonight.

Tonight? I can't leave tonight.

- I've gotta sing the leading role. - You have until midnight.

He can make the boat if he leaves after the finale. All right?

It's all right, as long as he leaves tonight.

- Thank you. - Thanks very much, Mr. Miller.

I'll meet you at pier 7 at midnight.

Oh, that's swell. Now, excuse me. I've gotta change my clothes.

Come on, Bob, you can't waste a minute.

- Come on, you were great. - So long.

- So long. - Goodbye.

Come on, you haven't time to dress. I sent your clothes to the boat.

Take care of these. I'll send the uniform from the boat.

All right.

Congratulations, Bob.

- Mr. Barrett, I thought you were sick. - I recovered in a hurry.

- Thanks, it was swell of you. - We haven't got time.

- Good luck to you. - So long. Goodbye.

- So long. - So long, Bob.

- Keep your chin up. - Goodbye, Mr. Blake.

Pier 7, Three Star Line and don't waste any time.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

- Are you hurt? - No.

Here, general, catch.

Hey, I had the right of way.

Listen, general, there's eight million people in New York...

...counting Brooklyn and Queens. Why pick on me to run into?

Pick up these bags and come along.

- I ought to poke you one. - Don't talk like that to me.

- I'm sensitive. I'm easily hurt. - I ought to poke you one, that's what.

Break it up. You can fight it out some night in the Garden.

I've got a wedding to get to.

At your service, madam.

Toss the bags in there. You can catch another cab.

But I can't do that. I'm in an awful hurry.

Not half as big a hurry as I am. I'm on my way to be married.

- Yes, but I've got... - Now, don't tell me chivalry is dead.

You wouldn't want me to miss my own wedding.

Be a good fellow, wait for another cab.

- Pier 7. Three Star Line. - Pier 7, me too.

You catching the boat?

Well, how do you like that?

And I looked all over town for a wide-brimmed hat...

...so I could look coy for my wedding.

Say, don't go around looking at women like that.

They'll marry you by the dozen. You'll go to jail for bigamy.

I don't go around looking at girls...

I mean, not like that. That is, I don't...

Well, this is a new line.

The bashful boy routine.

What's your name, general?

- Robert Gregory. - I'm Patricia O'Malley.

But if I catch this boat, it's going to be changed to Patricia Gardner.

Step on it or little Patsy's gonna be an old maid.

But suppose you do miss the boat? This Mr. Gardner loves you, he'll wait.

But a girl's a sucker to leave a $6-million fianc�...

...loose on a boat with a lot of women.

Well, what has he got that anyone else hasn't got?

Does everyone else own a string of newspapers?

You don't mean Charles Gardner, the millionaire publisher?

- Say, he's got lots of money. - Most millionaires have.

If you don't mind me saying so...

...you don't sound very much in love with him.

- I do mind. - Well, then, I won't say it.

- But why are you marrying him? - Because...

- Well, he's the nicest man I know. - And the richest?

That's to be considered when you've lived in a furnished room all your life.

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

I know. You're one of those guys that thinks a girl's not supposed...

...to like nice things and security and all that.

All I've got to tell you is you got a lot of nerve.

A total stranger telling me I'm a gold digger.

- I didn't... - You looked it.

Oh, even if you didn't say it.

And let me tell you something, Mr. Butter-in:

My sister married for love.

You know what she's got? Six kids, four rooms and a washing machine.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

- Griggs? - Yes, Mr. Gardner?

In the future, if Miss O'Malley calls, I'm not in.

- Very good, sir. - Change your mind about sailing?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

- Come, Griggs. - Very good, sir.

Griggs, would you say that I'd been jilted?

- Well, hardly, sir... - Then you're a liar, Griggs.

I have been jilted, cold and definitely.

Well, one might interpret it that way, sir.

Griggs, what do you think of women?

Well, all I know is what I see in the movies, sir.

You know, oomph and all that sort of thing.

Then listen carefully.

All women are perfidious.

As proof, witness the heart-rending and romantic disappointment...

...of your master, Charles Spencer Gardner III.

Griggs, my world is at an end.

I don't know what I'm going to do next.

Might I suggest, sir, as a temporary measure...

...a brandy and soda with just a dash of ice.

Griggs, old boy, at times you're almost human.

- Thank you, sir. - Lead on.

Yes. Pardon me, sir.

But I don't suppose you'll be needing this now, will you, sir?

- This deportee didn't come aboard. - What's his name?

Robert Gregory.

Oh, yes, I remember this case.

We gave him three extensions.

I'll ask for a warrant and have him arrested.

Hey!

There's a little matter of $ 1.10.

I forgot.

Oh, no pockets.

I guess the tailor forgot to put in any pockets.

No pockets, huh?

- Silly kind of a tailor, ain't he? - Yeah, I guess he was.

Three thousand cabs in New York.

And why do I have to pick out all the nuts?

Well, it's gone, all right.

Lady, he ain't got any pockets and my meter says $ 1.10.

No pockets? Say, what kind of an army are you in?

I'm not exactly in an army, I'm an actor.

Now I'll never get paid.

What are we gonna do, lady?

I'll pay you. Put the bags in the cab. We go home.

You don't seem upset. You couldn't have wanted to catch that boat badly.

It wasn't a question of "want to," I had to.

I was being deported on that boat.

Deported? What for? You're a citizen, aren't you?

I thought I was, but the lmmigration Department decided otherwise.

You see, my parents failed to take out citizenship papers.

Gee, that's tough luck. Well, what are you going to do now?

Wait until morning, try to get in touch...

...with the immigration authorities, I suppose.

You can't wander around all night in that silly uniform without money.

I guess not. My money and clothes are on that boat.

You better come along with me. Uncle Luigi can put you up for the night.

That's very nice of you.

Twenty-third Street and Avenue A.

Twenty-third and Avenue A. Is that where you live?

Yes. And wait till you get a peek at it.

You'll understand how I felt about my millionaire.

Gee, Mr. Sascha, ain't this a swell party?

- This is life. - Life.

What is life? You are born, you die.

Your Highness, I am honored.

I am especially glad you are here...

...because before we go into conference, I have a surprise for you.

And for you, Archduke Smirinoff, and for you, General Rashkachicoff...

...a great surprise.

This is very confidential.

Go across the street and you will find a lunch counter.

Eat, my little brothers.

Eat to your heart's content. Eat.

It don't cost nothing. And when...

When they are hungry, they are so beautiful.

Oh, Patricia, you are back. What has happened?

Has our American aristocrat given you the runout powder?

I missed the boat, that's about all.

Here, will you take these things and the bags over to the house?

A general. Have you an army?

- Why, no... - We don't need much.

A few thousand men, a machine gun here, a tank there.

And poof, the Romanovs are restorated.

You see down there.

There. Eating the hot dog with such delicacy.

That is His Highness Prince Lazuchnikoff.

We are preparing to restorate him to the throne of Russia.

You sure have your work cut out for you.

- You see... - Sascha.

I hate to interrupt your dream, but Mr. Gregory isn't a soldier.

He isn't?

- What is he? - Mr. Gregory is an actor.

An aristocrat among actors.

Tell Mary I'm bringing him home. She better find a place for him to sleep.

Surely, surely.

What's ours is his.

The upper classes must stand together.

- What size shirt do you wear? - 15 1/2.

Keep away from my laundry.

Well, I'm sure glad I missed that boat.

This looks like a lot of fun.

Come on, I know a place where we can get some indigestion free.

- How about some hot dogs? - Sure.

A couple of hot dogs and red wine.

You know, it just occurred to me you don't look upset.

- Why should I? - You've just lost the love of your life.

Yes, that's right, isn't it? I did. Tough break on me.

No, all kidding aside, don't you really care?

What good would caring do? He's gone, isn't he?

On the bridal suite, on his way to Europe.

And that, as the saying goes, ends that.

Evening, folks. Hope you're having a nice time. Food all right?

- Fine. - Here, have a cigar.

And don't forget, cast your vote for Mark C. Gilman.

He doesn't live in the district, Mr. Gilman.

Well, have a nice time.

Punchinello!

Punchinello, please come on down.

Punchinello, Luigi calling you.

Uncle Luigi's having trouble with Punchinello. Come on.

Luigi calling you, Punchinello.

Patricia! What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be aboard the ship.

You take care of Punchinello. I'll explain about the boat later.

Punchinello, Luigi loves you.

He doesn't even know you.

Shut up! Sure he knows me.

He loves me too. He's the best monkey in the whole world.

But yesterday, I make a mistake.

I bring him to the zoo and he fell in love with a monkey girl.

And now he's lovesick, that's all.

Here, let me try. Maybe I can help.

Sure, sure.

Oh, thank you, mister. Thank you very, very much.

You did a great favor to me and I'm going to do a great favor to you.

Someday you come to my house and I give you a fine dinner, huh?

Don't worry about that. He's staying with us tonight.

You stay with us?

That's fine. Fine.

When's that monkey gonna do his act?

Right now, right now. Is the best monkey in the whole world.

It looks like you won yourself a home.

Come on, we'll find out where you're going to sleep.

- Pat! You didn't marry him! - No, darling, I didn't.

I knew you wouldn't. That was part of my wish.

Mary, this is Mr. Bob Gregory.

- This is my kid sister. - Hello, Mary.

I bet you're the other part of my wish.

- What? - Yes. You see, I made two wishes.

You know, when you see the new moon, you get anything you wish for.

I wished that Pat wouldn't marry that silly old man.

- Mary! - I think you made a very nice wish.

- Want to hear the other half? - No, not now, Mary.

You gotta find a place for him to sleep.

I'd like to hear the other half of your wish.

I wished that Pat would find herself a fellow who was very handsome...

...and didn't wear spats and wasn't stuck-up and...

Someone that would make her happy.

Someone like you.

Come on now, Mary. We've got to get Mr. Gregory settled.

We'll have to put you in the basement...

...till we find another place. - The basement's not half-bad.

There's hardly any mice since we got the new mousetraps.

Don't believe a word she says. The basement's very nice.

If you like the smell of onions.

- We use it as a storeroom too. - I don't mind them a bit.

Well, I'll leave you in Mary's care.

- Good night. - Good night and thanks very much...

...for missing the boat.

- This way, Mr. Gregory. - What?

- This way. - Oh, yes, yes.

Got your new boarder all set?

I have to take him another blanket.

Pat, would you take it to him? I've got so many things to do.

And what have you got to do?

I've gotta bring some things out from the other room.

Quite the matchmaker, aren't you?

Well, somebody's gotta make your matches for you.

When you do it yourself, you pick out such awful dopes.

I'd better get this straightened out.

Oh, hello. I was just beginning to miss you.

Mary thought you'd need an extra blanket.

The most wonderful girl in the world.

- Who? - Mary.

You know, I'd fall in love with her if she were as old as you, for instance.

I'm afraid you're too late. Mary has a crush on the butcher's boy.

Where I'm concerned, there's always a butcher's boy.

All the wonderful girls have crushes or else they're about to be married.

Play something very sweet. You know, romantic.

- You're too cynical. - I can't help it.

Sure you can.

You've gotta learn to make the best of everything.

Make the best of...

Coming from you, that's something.

Let's take you, for instance.

What have you got to make the best out of, with...?

Oh, you know what I mean.

Everything.

Music, a beautiful woman...

...a wonderful night.

I don't mean to be fussy, but what woman...

...and how much of the night do you see down here?

All of it. All the heavens.

Look.

There's the Milky Way.

Looks like a string of garlic to me.

Well, that all depends on your point of view.

There's the Big Dipper.

There's the moon. And a full moon, no less.

There's Jupiter, Saturn, Mars.

And here's Venus.

Something tells me I'd better say good night.

Griggs.

There you are, Casanova.

- Griggs! - Oh, coming, sir.

Yes, sir?

No relief, sir?

None.

Shall we try some more bicarbonate, sir?

No, the bicarbonate interferes with the brandy.

Griggs, I've come to a conclusion.

Well, congratulations, sir.

I've come to the mature conclusion that I'm in love.

I've tried to forget it.

I've tried to dismiss it as mere midsummer madness.

But it's no use. I can't.

I have a deep pain right here.

Indigestion, sir?

Yeah... No, it's love.

Miss Patricia, sir?

Oh, but of course.

Why not send an ambassador to Miss Patricia to patch things up, sir?

Oh, no.

That would show that I have no pride.

All right, I have no pride. Proceed, Griggs.

I also have my pride, sir.

It would seem that we are confronted with a choice...

...between our pride and Miss Patricia. Which do we choose, sir?

- Miss Patricia. - Hooray, sir.

- Don't do that, Griggs. - I beg your pardon, sir.

Now, with regard to this ambassador, sir.

He must be clever and adroit.

Clever and adroit?

- Yes, sir. - But whom?

Well, of course, sir, only modesty prevents that I should...

- You? - Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

- And one Spanish omelet. - One Spanish omelet.

- Who's it for? - Mr. Goldfarb.

Mr. Gallagher wants blintzes. Do you know how to make blintzes?

Blintzes? Why, I was decorated by the czar once for making blintzes.

Of course, that was before the revolution.

Blintzes.

- Good morning, Sascha. - Good morning.

Morning, Luigi.

- You sleep good? - Like a top.

That's fine. Sit down.

- What you want for breakfast? - What have you got?

We got any fruit you want...

...as long as you don't ask for melons, oranges, peaches or pears.

- We are all out of them. - Well, anything's all right.

Here, Uncle Luigi. A customer finally left one.

- Good morning, Bob. - Good morning.

How about starting off with some nice melon?

- Melon? - But you just said...

All right, so I am a liar, but I got to eat too, no?

Say, is that you?

Why, that is you, Bob.

"The penalty for willful evasion of deportation...

...is two to five years in the federal penitentiary."

- Good morning, everybody. - Good morning.

- Good morning, Bob. Sleep well? - Never better.

Take a look at that.

You are in real trouble.

So you ran away from the cops? I was a fugitive too once.

Of course, that was after the revolution.

I didn't run away, I just missed the boat.

As soon as you've finished breakfast...

...we are going to the lmmigration Department.

I'll explain how our cabs collided.

They won't do anything if you give yourself up.

Except deport me. That wouldn't be a very pleasant outlook now.

Well, that's better than going to jail.

Maybe you can get back into the country legally some way.

The only way I could legally reenter would be under the quota.

They let 322 in that way every year.

You see, there's always a way out.

Yes, but there are 64,953 ahead of me.

Let me see, 322...

...into 64,953.

That makes, roughly speaking, 221 years.

- Have you got the patience to wait? - What else can I do?

- What? - Hide.

Sure. We hide you here. And don't worry...

...nobody will be able to find you.

Why, certainly. Our creditors never find us.

Don't pay any attention to them. It isn't worth taking the chance.

Look, it's very simple.

You stay in the basement, move around only at night.

Change your name. Let me see, what kind of a name could I give you?

Montmorency Montague.

That's sounds stylish, don't it?

Mr. Amatti wants to know if he can charge his breakfast.

- He has already eaten it? - Yes.

He can charge it.

We trust everybody, but nobody trusts us.

Don't worry about Amatti.

He's my cousin and I okay the bill.

You okay the bill? Who okays you?

Amatti, Gianelli, Princeppi, Giovanni and Gallagher.

You okay all their bills. They're all cousins.

I suppose Gallagher is your cousin too?

Sure. He's married to Rose, my uncle's second wife's niece.

Cousins. Cousins!

What I want to know is, when do I get some money?

You owe me, your cousins owe me, everybody owes me.

I owe you?

Listen, who's the boss here? Who pays the rent?

All right, who pays the rent? Who? Nobody pays the rent.

If somebody doesn't pay the rent soon, we'll all be thrown out.

A high-class-looking customer.

And he doesn't look like anybody's cousin.

It's all right, Mary. Sit down. I'll wait on him.

A man with all your cousins should be able to borrow the rent money.

Punchinello.

Look, he's different from my cousins.

He helping me to pay the rent.

Punchinello, thank you. Thank you very, very, very much.

The high-class-looking customer wants some French toast and coffee.

And he wants to talk to Patricia.

I hope he is not your cousin.

Oh, excuse me.

Sascha. What does he look like?

He's got a round, smooth face.

- Hair kind of thin on top? - Yeah.

I bet that's him.

- Who? - Oh, that silly old Mr. Gardner.

Oh, Bob, don't you see? You can't go away.

You've gotta stay here and help me keep Pat from marrying him.

Please.

But you...? You didn't sail last night?

Obviously not.

Mr. Gardner and I got off the boat...

...in a daring and dangerous manner at the last moment.

It's hardly necessary for me to inform you...

...that Mr. Gardner is indignant about your jilting him.

But I didn't jilt Charles.

I was in a taxicab accident and missed the boat.

A highly implausible story, if I may say so, Miss Patricia.

I'd like to help you, Mary, but what can I do?

Make her fall in love with you.

That may not be so easy to do.

Oh, yes, it will.

You made me fall in love with you.

- You're a very sweet kid, Mary. - That's what I mean.

But tell that to Pat. I mean, about her.

And like you meant it, only more.

All right, I'll see what I can do.

Sascha, I'll take that in.

Now, I don't say positively that Mr. Gardner will forgive you...

...but there's a possibility, just a remote possibility...

...if you approach him in a penitent mood and play upon his...

- Who gets the French toast? - I do.

- Do you like it hot? - Yes, of course.

It's hot, all right.

There you are.

- Anything for you, madame? - Nothing.

- Hey, waiter. - Yes, sir?

- Your face is very familiar. - I've been wearing it for a long time.

No. I mean, haven't I seen you someplace before?

I don't know. What kind of places do you go to?

It's funny, I hardly ever forget a face.

I'm positive I've seen you someplace before.

Well, where'd you work besides here?

Oh, he never worked anywhere. I mean, unless you count the WPA.

Oh, what's new in the paper? "Temperature rises as nation wilts."

That'll be all, waiter.

Miss Patricia, with regard to Mr. Gardner...

...he didn't sleep a wink all night. - Excuse me.

No, he didn't sleep at all, and I think it must be love. Will you go away?

Yes, it's love that keeps him awake. It couldn't be indigestion...

...because I gave him bicarbonate three times.

That's deduction.

Why not use your woman's wiles? Shed a tear at the right moment.

Then maybe you'll be able to reinstate yourself in his affections.

That isn't Gardner. That's his valet. What were they saying?

He's patching things up between Pat and his boss.

He almost recognized me. He's got a paper.

You've got to wear a disguise.

How can I disguise myself? I can't grow a beard in a moment's notice.

A beard.

What are you doing? My beard.

He needs it more. The police aren't after you.

I thought that beard was on the level.

He thinks it looks distinguished.

People think that Russians without whiskers are a fake.

- So I had to wear them. - Bob needs it more than you do.

I've had that beard for years. I feel naked.

Someday you'll be able to grow a real one.

I've tried to grow a real one many times, but it always comes out red.

An aristocrat like me, with a red beard. Red.

And so if everything is patched up...

...it's my suggestion that you and Mr. Gardner marry immediately.

- Will that be all, sir? - Don't take that away.

I haven't finished with it yet.

Hey, you look just like the other waiter, except for the...

Oh, yes, the other waiter. That's my brother.

Oh, well, then you look just like his brother, except for the... That's funny.

I'm positive I've seen your brother someplace before.

- Could it have been...? - No, he's never been there.

No.

- Has he persuaded her yet? - Looks very much that way.

- We've got to stop her. - I'm doing the best I can.

I'll keep trying.

Hey, waiter. Ask that brother of yours to come in here, will you?

- His face haunts me. - My brother?

Oh, my brother. Yes, he just left for Detroit.

- Coffee, sir. - I didn't order any.

Here it is. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I'll get you another cup of coffee, sir.

- Hey, waiter. - Yes, sir?

You've run off with my paper.

Oh, yes, what did I do with it?

- There it is, under your arm. - Oh, it's a bit dampish.

- I'll dry it off for you. - No, thank you. I'll dry it off myself.

Darn it.

- Looks like we're sunk. - Poor Pat.

I wish we could bring her back to her senses.

She'll never be happy with him. All she'll be is a bird in a gilded cage.

Say, you've got something there.

- What is that? - It sounds like singing.

Excuse me, Miss Patricia, but this offends my acoustical sensitivities.

- We'll see you this evening. - I'll be there at 7.

Very funny.

Maybe it worked.

You're not going to marry him, are you, Pat?

I'm meeting Mr. Gardner for dinner. Tonight.

Patricia, I think you are a fool. After all, what good is money?

Well, if you had a little money...

...you could pay Mr. Willoughby the back rent.

Mr. Willoughby. Bah for Mr. Willoughby.

I never have any money...

...but I'm happy all the time just the same.

You not only haven't any money, but worse, you've got cousins.

You are smart, Pat. Marry the first time for money.

One divorce and you are set. You can marry for love the second time.

Morning, everybody. Morning, Luigi.

Good morning. You're a stranger around here, aren't you?

I'm looking for the young fellow that sang at the block party last night.

Very anxious to get ahold of him.

Well, he said something about taking a trip into the country.

Oh, yes, way out west somewhere.

Gee, that's too bad. I had a swell job for that young fellow.

- A job? - Yes, a singing job...

...where he could get himself 10 or $ 15 a day.

Oh, you mean the fellow that sang at the block party last night.

- Oh, the one that sang. - Why didn't you say who you meant?

- Yes, that's me. - Well, if that's you...

...you certainly look different.

- That's him. - Sure, that's him.

That doctor was right about my needing glasses.

You've got a job singing.

Be at Ward Headquarters at 2 p.m. We'll go to the rally from there.

Bring someone to play piano for you.

- Pat can play the piano. - But l...

- Would you, please? - Well, all right.

Okay, then, that's all set.

By golly, I can't help thinking you looked different last night.

Well, you know how artificial lighting changes people.

Yeah. Say, do you mind...

...if I ask you something personal? - Why, no.

- Are you very fond of that beard? - Well, I...

Because you'd go much better on this job if you'd shave it off.

Well, much as I hate to part with it, I'll get rid of the beard.

Fine. Good day. See you at the meeting.

- All right. - So long.

So long.

Well, I've got a job. Now I can help you pay the rent.

- Good boy. Shake. - But what are you going to wear?

You can't go that way.

Well, that seems to be the end of that job.

Luigi, your cousin Amatti runs a clothing store.

He always comes here to eat and charge.

Now we get a suit for Bob and we charge.

Thanks, folks, thanks.

And now I wanna take this opportunity of telling you...

...how much I appreciate the way you've all turned out.

This demonstration of loyalty has brought tears to my eyes...

...I am ashamed to admit it.

...I am ashamed to admit it.

It's a great country. So easy to get rich.

Fifteen dollars for a day's work.

That's roughly $100 a week. That's $5000 a year.

Why, in 100 years, we've got half a million dollars.

Yes, but you forgot about the taxes. It'll take longer than that.

All right, 200 years. Who cares?

- Well, that's hardly a practical view. - Who wants to be practical?

Maybe you're right. The impractical people have all the fun.

Take Sascha, with his phony medals and his beard...

...and all his pretensions. He certainly isn't...

Pat, don't marry Gardner.

- You know how much I love you. - Yes, I know.

I had no business telling you. I haven't a thing to offer you.

I know that too.

When I stopped being practical, I certainly went all the way.

- Come on. - Where?

I've got a date to break.

Western Union, please.

Hello? I'd like to send a telegram to...

...Mr. Charles Gardner, 250 Park Avenue, New York.

- My dear Charles... - No, just "Charles."

No, no, operator. Just a minute. Be quiet.

Charles, I've changed my mind. Stop.

I won't be there for dinner tonight. Stop.

I whipped out my trusty pistol. "Boris Varanoff Ilovitch," I cried.

"I know you are really Pieter Petrovitch Ivara."

He saw that I had him. He wilted.

"There," I said to the czar, "is the traitor who has betrayed us."

- Gee. - "Sascha, my son"...

...the czar said to me, and I saluted him...

..."You are a patriot and a hero."

And he kissed me on both cheeks and gave me this.

Of course, that was before the revolution.

Wait. You told me last week you got this for saving the king of Bulgaria.

Both medals are the same. The medal that the king of Bulgaria gave to me...

...the czar gave to him.

Pat. Oh, you look so happy.

I guess she'd better be the first to know.

Oh, Pat. Pat, I'm so happy. Bob, you're gonna be my brother.

Oh, I knew I could make you forget that old man.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

Congratulations? What's the matter? The landlord die?

You're about to become my uncle. Pat and I are engaged.

Swell, swell. Congratulations. But I'm not really their uncle.

They just call me that.

Patricia, I bet you are mucho more happy than with the rich man.

Looks like I'll spend a five-year honeymoon...

...waiting for him outside of the penitentiary.

But as long as everybody else is crazy...

...I suppose I might as well be too. - And now we celebrate.

- Hey, that's the champagne. - Sure.

But we were keeping it for a rich customer.

Who cares for the rich customers? I hope it's cold.

It should be. It's been on ice for four years.

Oh, dear.

- Griggs. - Yes, sir?

Get me my lawyer and a bottle of brandy.

- Very good, sir. - Griggs.

I know, sir. Get the brandy before I get the lawyer.

Griggs, never mind the lawyer. Just get the brandy.

Very good, sir.

It's no use.

Fate is conspiring against us.

There will be no Charles Spencer Gardner IV.

Oh, don't take such a pessimistic view, sir.

After all, there are other women in the world.

I don't feel up to conducting another search...

...for the mother of the Gardner heir.

The line dies with me.

The cat.

Casanova, you're a rowdy.

There you are. You see, I was right.

As soon as Patricia acted in a flighty manner, I said to myself:

"Cherchez la femme." Only, in this case it's, "Cherchez l'homme."

What?

You're incoherent. Have you been drinking?

Gracious me, no. But this is the young man with whom Miss Patricia's in love.

He's ruined your romance.

- He's very handsome, isn't he? - Yes, and he's a singer.

A formidable combination.

Are you suggesting I take singing lessons?

No, but you seem rather to have missed the point.

You see, it says here that he's wanted by the police.

Now, we let the police know that he's working...

...in that restaurant as a waiter, they jail him and he's out of our way.

Griggs, you're being very insulting.

- Insulting, sir? - Extremely so.

You're suggesting that I, Charles Spencer Gardner III...

...should turn informer.

- Well, I'm sorry, sir, but... - No buts.

It's not only unsportsmanlike, but it's dishonorable as well.

- Yes, sir. - In addition to being dishonorable...

...it wouldn't help. Even if he were in jail, she'd still be in love with him.

I can't marry a woman who was in love with a convict.

- That's right. - There's one thing more.

He looks husky. He might punch me in the nose.

I absolutely forbid you to inform the police.

Yes, sir. I've never disobeyed you. Yet.

If that's what Mr. Gardner wants, that's what I'll do.

I just work here. He's the owner of this rag.

That is what Mr. Gardner wants.

Okay, then, that's what he'll get.

All I can say is it's the daffiest thing I ever heard of.

This guy'll sue him for libel for a million dollars.

That'll still leave Mr. Gardner with 5 million.

- Have it his way. - Hello?

- Composing room? - Yes.

Hold your stereotypers. We have a new front page.

Right.

- Press room? - Yes.

Run a special edition when the bulldogs are off the presses.

Special edition? How many copies?

One copy, and don't tell me I'm daffy, because I'll have to agree with you.

"He deserted his wife and three children two years ago...

...and they have had no word or financial help from him."

There you are. Now, listen, don't let this copy fall into the wrong hands...

...for if this actor finds out that we've superimposed him on this picture...

...he can sue us and he'll wind up by owning this paper, heaven help him.

- I've got our best boy, Mr. Griggs. - Thank you.

Come on in, Joe.

You look a nice, bright lad.

- How do you do, son? - Hi.

I've got a special mission for you, a mission as important...

...as the message to Garcia. If you do this, you'll win the Gardner Medal...

...for loyal and meritorious services in the interests of the paper.

Yeah, but what's in it for me besides all that baloney?

Ten dollars, so long as I can't appeal to your better nature.

- Paper, lady? - No, thanks.

Gee, buy a paper, lady. I've been out all day and this is my last one.

If I go home without selling it, my old man's gonna beat me.

Your father beats you?

Well, only when he's drunk, but that ain't exactly seldom.

- Come on, please buy a paper. - Your father ought to be in jail. Here.

Gee, a buck.

Don't give it to that father of yours. If he hits you, call the police.

- Here's your paper. - Never mind. You keep it.

Hey.

Good morning. The cr�pe suzettes �la Romanov are very good here.

They're very good anywhere.

All right, I'll have some.

Oh, now, that's a funny coincidence. I'll have some blintzes.

- Blintzes. - I just happened to see here...

...where this columnist says this is the place for blintzes.

- Columnist? - Yeah, it says right here:

"The best blintzes in town...

...are at Sascha Bolotoff's restaurant on the East Side."

Sascha Bolotoff? Why, that's me.

- You're Sascha Bolotoff? - None other.

Well, that's fine.

You are served with summons and complaint of eviction proceedings...

...filed against you by E.H. Willoughby for nonpayment of rent.

- A process server. - Check. So long, pal.

What's wrong, Sascha?

Life. What is life? You are born, you die.

It sounds pretty bad.

And here's a man who brings three children into this world.

Not one, not two, but three. He should be...

Why, it's Bob.

Three children. Well, I suppose if you're going in for that sort of thing...

...you might just as well do a good job of it.

Oh, Pat, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

It's funny.

Someone better brush the hayseed out of my hair.

Imagine me falling for as phony a line as he pulled on me.

With false words, he lured you into his...

- What? - Lured you into his arms?

- Well, that's one way of putting it. - I'll get my cleaver.

Sascha, you'll do nothing of the sort.

You'll not let him know I've seen this.

All right, if that's the way you feel about it. But I still think my cleaver...

Sascha, please. He mustn't know anything about it.

All right. Only, with my cleaver...

...he wouldn't know anything about it either.

Griggs, let me speak to Mr...

Oh, is that you, Charles? This is Patricia.

But I don't understand, Patricia. Your attitude seemed so different.

Oh, how could you think such a thing, Charles? What?

Oh, you mean the young fellow Griggs saw in the restaurant?

Oh, how could you be so silly, Charles?

What? Why, yes, of course, Patricia. Of course I love you.

You do?

Why, thank you.

Goodbye.

Well, it's just as well you heard, Bob.

I'd have had to tell you anyway.

Oh, you're a nice boy, but after all, you haven't got any money or any future.

I don't suppose you can divorce a sister, can you?

I mean, like a husband and wife.

If you've got a sister, she's your sister no matter what.

But I'm never going to speak to her again as long as I live.

I wouldn't feel that way. Pat's trying to do what she thinks is best.

I talk and talk to Mr. Willoughby, but is no use. Is no use.

He say if we don't pay rent, we gotta go out, skidoo or scram.

Where's Sascha?

He's gone to collect from my cousins.

Well, maybe he can get the money.

Oh, here he is.

Did you collect?

Life. What is life?

You are born. You die.

He don't collect.

You have just heard the last broadcast of this series.

And now, a few words about the new Andre Kostelanetz program.

This new program, entitled Tune-up Time, will inaugurate a series...

...of musical broadcasts featuring music...

...in the inimitable Kostelanetz manner.

I know how to get that money.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes.

Oh, yes, I've heard about you.

It'll be one of the greatest publicity stunts pulled on the air.

Yes, when the program's over, I'll give myself up.

Mr. Kostelanetz has got to do it for me. I need the money.

Very well, I'll arrange everything. I'm sure Mr. Kostelanetz will like the idea.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Bob, if you appear, they'll arrest you.

They'll arrest me anyway. This way...

...I can get the money to pay the rent.

Bob.

Would you think I didn't have any modesty if I asked you something?

- Why, no, Mary. - Would you kiss me?

Of course, we could open the Palm Beach house...

...instead of going to Nassau. Or you might prefer Honolulu for a change.

What would you think of that?

What? Oh, yes, of course. Anything you say, Charles.

Good evening. This is Melville Ruick speaking...

... and bringing you a preview of what you will hear on tonight's programs.

The most interesting and unusual event to be heard tonight at 9:00...

... on the Andre Kostelanetz hour...

... will be two song numbers by Bob Gregory.

Gregory, you'll remember, is the young man who startled Broadway...

... with a brilliant performance in Raymond Barrett's role...

... in The Gay Guardsman on the same evening...

... that he was to be deported.

- That was the chap, wasn't it? - Yes.

You know, that young man gave me some bad moments, Patricia.

He made me realize that I'm not as young as I used to be...

...and that perhaps all my money can't compensate for lack of youth.

Charles, you needn't spend one second thinking about Bob Gregory.

Dinner is served, sir.

It's Tune-up Time, so tune in, America.

The chief believes his story and sees no reason...

...why he shouldn't give the performance before I take him in.

And there'll be no taxicab accident this time.

No, sir, and thank you very much.

- Here's your money. - Thank you.

"The samba, spelled S-A-M-B-A, is the national dance of Brazil.

For our first number, Mr. Kostelanetz presents...

...his arrangement of the melodies used in this dance.

Ladies and gentlemen, the samba."

"And now, the young man you've been reading so much about...

...Mr. Bob Gregory, singing It's a Blue World."

You're still in love with him, aren't you, Patricia?

Oh, come on.

Be honest with yourself and admit it.

Of course I am. I'm sorry, Charles. I should have been honest with you.

Oh, excuse me, there seems to be something wrong in the kitchen.

- Drinking, Griggs? - Yes, sir, if you'll excuse it.

I think I deserve a little celebration.

You see, if it wasn't for me, Miss Patricia wouldn't be here.

And so I had both pictures made into one and printed on the paper...

...and got them into Miss Patricia's hands. And you see the results, sir.

Highly satisfactory, even though I say so myself.

And should you think of giving me a little reward, sir, I have a suggestion.

I intend to reward you, Griggs.

Patricia, you should be crying.

Your conduct is scandalous.

- My conduct? - You're in love with a man...

...and he's in trouble and you're not with him. That's scandalous conduct.

But it's his conduct. He has a wife and three children in Europe.

No, he hasn't. That photograph was the fine Machiavellian hand of Griggs.

There's no truth in it.

Charles, you're a nice guy. A swell guy.

That pleases me almost as much as when you promised to marry me.

- Well, what shall I do? - Well, you're here and he's there.

Charles, I love you.

And I'm going to name my first child after you.

Griggs.

- Yes? - What do you think of this...

...for the name of a baby: Charles Spencer Gardner Gregory IV?

Get my lawyer and some brandy. Oh, no.

- Never mind brandy. Get the lawyer. - Very good, sir.

Charles Spencer...

But suppose it's a girl.

But suppose it's a girl.

Bob!

You haven't got a wife and three children.

What?

A wife and three children? Should I have?

That picture fooled me, but Griggs did it.

He took your picture and put it in the other picture. Understand?

- I don't get it. - Well, I'll explain later.

A minute and a half, Mr. Gregory.

- A minute and a half to what? - A minute and a half, he's on the air.

Charles!

Is Inspector Miller of the U.S. Immigration Department here?

That's me.

Inspector, here you are.

You'll find these perfectly in order and sworn to before a federal judge.

- Yes, but... - This is a certificate...

...signed, sealed and attested to by Charles Spencer Gardner...

- The third. - The third...

...posting a bond of $50,000 to obtain a 30-day stay...

...of deportation for Robert Gregory.

And this is an application for the adoption of Robert Gregory...

...by Charles Spencer Gardner...

...said adoption to make Robert Gregory an American citizen, to wit.

Griggs, congratulate me. I'm about to become a grandfather.

Congratulations.

Mr. Gregory, you're on.