Original subtitles

Welcome to Tool Time,

the show that actually teaches you how to improve your home.

Morning, Al. Morning, Tim.

Honey, I'm freezing cold. Feel my hands.

Hi, hey! Ooh, I'll warm 'em.

Here, slip 'em in the Taylor Toast-o-matic Oven.

Those babies are colder than a witch's... Tim.

Watching this again?

Honey, this is destined to become a classic.

Is this the third time you've watched it?

It's got everything... action, drama, latex paint,

and, God, I look good in that vest, don't I?

Ha-ha-ha. No, really, honey, I'm so cold.

Would you go down and check the furnace,

'cause I think that the pilot light must be out.

You're saying lighting a pilot's a man's job?

No, I'm saying it's your job.

Heh. Look, you're afraid to go down in that deep, dark basement, aren't you?

No, I'm not afraid.

I just don't like it, you know, when the furnace goes, "Whoosh!"

All right, I'll light the pilot light if I get a big kiss.

Do I have to?

You have to.

OK, but only if I really have to.

Oh, gross.

It's not even dark yet.

Ignore 'em, maybe they'll go away.

Ha-ha-ha. No, honey. You really...

you have to do the furnace now,

because Mark's whole scout troop is coming over,

and I don't want a house of little frozen Cub-sicles.

Right away.

Dad, Dad, check this out.

I can tell your future with these cards.

A kid at school showed me how.

I got the three of diamonds. That means I'm gonna be rich.

OK, fourth card from the top's your card.

Deal it, buddy.

1, 2, 3...

Hah! Ace of spade-os. Read it and weep. What?

It's a death card, Dad.

Yeah, right. Let me deal those and cut 'em like a man. Arr!

Arr! Arr!

OK.

I can see it now, cars, cash, big homes, boats.

Death.

Double death.

Yeah? How long do you think I have?

Long enough to light the furnace.

She's right. We got work to do. Down in the basement.

'Cause one day, boys,

you will have a cold woman of your own.

You have to learn how to light her furnace.

Come on, come on.

Follow me. Come on, guys.

OK, guys, come on down to the basement,

the climate control central of our house.

Now watch what you're doin'. Ow!

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

Want you guys to meet a friend of mine...

the Binford Volcanomaster 5,000.

A quantum leap ahead of the 4,000 model,

which it replaced earlier this year.

This is 150,000 BTUs.

What's a BTU?

Technical term.

Yeah, but what's it stand for?

"U" is because of it's a unit.

"B" is because it's a big, beautiful Binford.

That's "B." "T" is heat.

Big heat unit. That's what this is.

Dad, heat starts with "H."

Gimme that flashlight, will ya?

Dad, heat starts with "H."

Heat ends with "T." Heat. Heat.

Heat.

Now, working on a furnace is a delicate operation,

almost like working on a time bomb.

Wow, that's how he's gonna die. He's gonna blow himself up.

That's not how I'm gonna die

because your dad is gonna practice furnace safety tips.

OK, the access panel here says,

"Press button, hold 15 seconds, and..."

Open your mouth or the shockwaves from the blast

will make your head explode.

13, 14, 15.

No explosion. No death.

Why? Why? Because your dad laughs in the face of fear.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha.

Excuse me, fellas. Jill, set it back to "auto," and the heat is now working.

Ow.

God...

(rustling)

What was that?

Shh!

(whispers) Be very quiet.

(whispers) What is it?

I think it's over there behind the boxes.

Boy, I hope it's not that. It couldn't be.

What?

What?

Yesterday at the zoo, I read a panther escaped.

Yeah, right, Dad.

I'm not kidding.

(rustling)

Don't make any sudden moves.

Just head toward the stairs.

It could be anywhere.

It could be...

Aah!

(both) Aah!

Ha-ha. It's just a mouse or something probably.

What if it's not a mouse? It could be a snake.

Hey, there's nothing funny about snakes.

Don't joke about that.

There's nothing funny about slimy reptiles. Nothing!

Hey, maybe it's a big, huge python.

Enough! Enough!

It's a mouse, a mouse.

And, of course, it could be a huge one

that likes to eat little kids like you.

(all yell)

Hey, hey, do I have to put in speed bumps?

Mom?

Yeah?

What are we gonna make?

I am going to have the whole scout troop

make their own paper-bag masks.

Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real teepee.

She did?

Yeah, and she made us beef jerky from raw meat.

Billy's mom is a Stepford wife.

You're getting pizza and paper-bag masks.

Well, I guess I better put on my uniform.

Honey, mission accomplished.

Furnace is lit, operational.

That, however, is the good news.

The good news? What's the bad news?

Well, I can't tell you. You'll probably go crazy.

Oh, please, I never go crazy.

I found something soft and furry that rhymes with "house."

Oh, God.

There's a famous one named Mickey.

It's a mouse.

God, a mouse with beady little eyes

and toe-jammy little nails.

Ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh.

Jill, it's just a little, innocent thing.

Tim, they are dirty, they carry disease,

they eat garbage.

So do the boys. You're not afraid of them.

Yes, I am.

(scratching sounds)

You hear that?

Tim, don't!

I thought I heard toenails, toe-jammy things scraping...

Stop it, stop it!

They're so little, and they're so quick,

they just run out anywhere and right up people's backs...

Aah! Just quit it!

Hey, hey, it's in the basement. Get off the chair, please?

Would you please just call an exterminator?

Exterminator? Yeah.

Pest control is my domain.

Termites fear me.

Mice whisper my name.

"Hey, forget it, the cheese. Come back to the hole. It's Tim.

Come on, come on. He'll kill you. He'll kill you."

I'll go see if Wilson has any traps.

No, no, don't kill it.

From filthy little vermin to your fuzzy little friend.

Where did that start?

Well, just because I don't like it,

doesn't mean I wanna see it dead.

Otherwise, I'd have set traps for your mother years ago.

Trap wouldn't stop her.

She'd just chew her leg off.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Wilson!

Hi-ho, neighbor.

Hey, Wilson, do you have any of those humane traps for mice?

Since when did you become a trapper, Tim?

Wilson, I think I heard a mouse in my basement,

and Jill got real freaked out over that itty-bitty thing.

Can you believe that?

Well, fear is perfectly natural.

Everybody's afraid of something.

What about you, Wilson? What are you afraid of?

I do have one underlying fear, Tim.

I'm afraid that reality as we know it is someone else's dream,

and... when the dreamer wakes,

I'll no longer exist.

Wilson, I wouldn't share that with too many people.

Back to the trap thing...

Sure, good buddy.

So you said you heard noises in the kitchen?

No, in the basement.

In the basement. Yeah.

You've been hearing all sorts of what, scratching noises?

No. Kind of a more of a rustling.

Rustling? Yeah.

Mm-hmm-hmm.

Tim, my boy, I don't think you have a problem with mice.

Great.

No, no, no. It sounds like you might have a snake.

Oh, God!

You scared of snakes, Tim?

Ehh, man. Hey, snakes are supposed to live in the woods.

Well, this whole area used to be woods, Tim,

but as man has taken over his habitat,

they've become suburban snakes.

Heh, suburban snakes? Mm-hmm.

They, like, work here, commute back to the woods, is that it?

No, they could be right here living in your own backyard,

or somebody in the neighborhood could be breeding snakes.

All you need is a cardboard box and a light bulb.

What kind of sicko would breed snakes?

Well, Tim, snakes are clean, low-maintenance pets.

Plus, they have a very firm, nutty-tasting flesh.

(door opens)

So, what's the deal, are you gonna set some traps?

Wilson doesn't think we need one.

I'm calling the exterminator.

Why?

He doesn't think we have mice.

Oh, no, it's a rat.

Worse. Snake.

Snake? Where?!

Oh, no. God, not a snake.

Wait a minute.

Didn't you tell me that you saw a mouse?

I didn't see it in the visual sense.

You jerk. You lied to me.

I didn't lie. I was... kidding.

Mom, Dad, come look what I found in the basement!

Just a second, Randy! Kidding?

You were just torturing me with all those mouse sounds.

Well, come on, what's the big deal?

Everybody likes to be scared.

It's fun. Fun...

Dad.

What is it? Gaah! Look. Ohh! Ehh!

Holy!

I found a snakeskin.

Hah! It was fun. You see the fun?

Dad, did you know the deadliest snake in the world is a carpet viper?

It has enough poison to kill ten men.

Brad, has that exterminator found anything down there?

Not yet.

Damn. Honey, what's taking him so long?

Tim, we have a yard full of children.

We're supposed to be setting an example.

You have got to calm down. Have a cookie.

Hot cookie! Hot cookie!

Sorry, sorry.

Dad, the exterminator wants to borrow a screwdriver.

You know where they are. Open it and get it yourself.

No. You always say not to touch your tools.

You better get it, Mom.

What's he want, standard, Davis, Phillips, flathead, what?

Flathead.

All right.

Find the snake?

Sorry, did my best, but I didn't find a thing.

Nothing cool ever happens around here.

Randy... You're telling me there's not a snake in this house?

It probably moseyed on back outside.

That happens nine times out of ten.

Nine times out of ten.

Uh-huh.

What happens the other time?

Heh-heh. I tell ya, it's funny.

Those snakes.

Yeah, they pop right up out of the

strangest places. Boy, I could write a book.

Oh, yeah, I've seen 'em curl up inside of teapots.

Oh, there was one time...

popped right up out of the toilet.

Of course, like I said, that's rare.

Hah. Besides, you don't have anything to worry about.

Judging from that skin your boy found, it's not poisonous.

Well, I'll see you, folks.

Wait. Wouldn't you like to stay and have a cup of coffee?

I got lots of appointments. Well, toodle-oo.

Bye.

Mom, Jimmy Wagner wants to go home.

Why?

He got the death card.

Brad! Randy!

Come on, don't be a weenie.

Everybody's gotta die sometime.

Hey, guys, get away from him. Come on, go back in the house.

Go back in the house.

You all right?

I don't wanna die.

Aw, come here.

You're not gonna die.

But I got the death card.

Oh, forget the death card.

I got two death cards today, and I didn't die.

They were teasing you. But I'm scared.

Oh, boy, come here.

Everybody's scared of something.

Are you ever afraid?

My dad's never afraid.

He's the bravest man in the whole world.

You guys, all of you, even brave guys get afraid.

You know what a brave man does when he's afraid?

What?

He scares away fear.

Jimmy, you gotta be scarier than fear itself.

That's what you gotta do.

How do you do that?

Well, look at me. Get a real ugly face on. Grr.

Pretty ugly, huh? Arr.

And you look at fear, and you go... you grunt...

Arr-arr-arr!

Can you try that?

Eh-eh.

That would work if you had just a little fear.

It's a big fear. You gotta get a deep-down, manly grunt.

Mark, show him what I'm talking about.

Arr-arr-arr!

See how scary that guy looks. You guys try it. Arr.

Arr-arr-arr-arr!

Very good, very ugly.

All right, try it. Gimme one good one.

Arr!

I need a real good two in row.

Arr-arr!

All right, three in a row, let's do it.

Arr-arr-arr. Arr-arr-arr.

Come on, guys.

Arr-arr-arr-arr.

There's no fear here! Get out of here, fear!

(all) Arr-arr-arr.

Dad!

Uhh?

Mom wants you to order pizza.

(all) Pizza!

Hey, you guys stay out here and practice grunting.

I'll get the pizza!

Arr-arr-arr-arr!

Arr-arr-arr-arr!

Number for the pizza place is by the phone.

Thanks, Jill. Ohh...

Hi. How many pizzas will we need?

Uh, four large, but get different toppings.

All right. I need four larges with two meat... hold on.

Is anybody allergic to anything out there?

Jimmy's allergic to everything. Am not.

All right, all right.

Apparently we need a big cheese pizza with decongestant all over it.

I'm kidding around, fella.

All right, two cheese, one with pepperoni and sausage on...

Aah! A snake! That is a snake in my house!

It's right there. That is a snake.

OK, everybody quiet down.

Tim, hang up. I'll call the exterminator on the other phone.

Ahh... ahh.

Ohh...

Why don't you get the snake out, Dad?

Why don't you shut up, Randy?

(all urge him on)

Hey...

Dad, just stick your finger in the light.

When the snake bites it, pull him out.

Heh. Can we talk for a minute?

Maybe you didn't hear Dad the first time.

Shut up.

OK, I've got the exterminator on the phone,

but he says he can't come for an hour.

An hour? We're is he gonna crawl in an hour? Who knows?

OK. He says that you should look in the light fixture

and see if the snake is still there.

Right. Can I talk to him for a minute? Yeah.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh. You're right.

He says you're supposed to look in the light fixture and see if it's still there.

Me? Oh, no, no, no, no. I think you should do it.

I'm so busy right now.

Tim, get over there and look in that light fixture.

I don't want to.

Go ahead, Mr. Taylor.

You're not afraid, are you, Mr. Taylor?

My dad's not afraid of anything.

Show 'em, Dad. Show 'em you're not scared.

Ar-ar-ar. Let's get ourselves a snake.

(all cheer)

All right, all right. Cub Scouts, outside.

Yeah. Right. All right, thanks. Yes, thank you, thank you.

Brad, I need a pillowcase out of your bedroom. Hurry up.

OK, what did he say?

Says reach in that little, tiny opening,

get that little, tiny snake by the back of his little, tiny neck,

pull him out of that little, tiny hole,

and put him gently in a pillowcase.

You're gonna do that?

That's his plan.

My plan...

I'm gonna rip that light fixture right off that wall,

shove that into a pillowcase.

All right. Brad, stand right there under the light,

and I'll jump that snake right in there.

No way.

What do you mean, no way? Come on, Randy, help me out.

Heh-heh. Forget it.

Huh?

OK, I'll do it.

Does that make you happy your mom's doing it?

Fine by us.

Thanks, guys.

Ready?

Ready.

Calm?

No, I can't.

Oh...

Arr-arr-arr. Arr-arr-arr.

Arr-arr-arr. Arr-arr-arr.

Jill, Jill, Jill. I got it.

Arr-arr-arr!

Oh, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Yes-sas.

Arr-arr-arr!

(sighs)

There it is, boys.

Plan your work, work your plan.

The key to success. Heh-heh-heh.

Dad.

Yeah.

There's a snake behind you.

Oh, I bet there is.

Dad, he's serious. It's right behind you.

Did it have the card of death in its mouth?

You know, guys, I fell for that trick this morning.

Toolbox, remember that?

And you can take a practical joke too far, you know that?

Dad, we're not joking. It's moving towards you.

Why don't I open my shirt and let him crawl right in?

Tim, the snake wasn't in the bag.

Because the snake is in my shirt!

Aah!

Here you go, hon.

Hey. Thanks.

How you feeling?

Stupid.

Felt like a jerk in front of those Cub Scouts today.

Aw, they had a great time,

and they learned some colorful new vocabulary.

Here, Dad. I made this for you.

What is it?

It's a snake badge for bravery.

Hey, that's very impressive.

Would you wear it on your TV show?

You bet I would.

(kiss) You're a good kid.

Good night, Dad. Good night.

Good night, Mommy. Good night, sweetie.

(kiss)

Good night, Mommy.

My youngest son gave me a snake badge for bravery.

Well, you did get rid of that snake.

Yeah, but in all honesty, I couldn't have done it without you.

I think it's yours.

Well, we'll share it.

You know, I think we deserve a little pampering.

Hmm?

How would you like to have a nice, hot bath with bubbles?

I'd like that... Bubbles.

Ha-ha-ha.

Ehh.

(rings) Whoa!

(woman) Now, we've already seen his hand...

(man) All right.

In 5...

5, 4...