Original subtitles

OK, now that we've finished clamping our stool

and the glue has set,

let's move on to our tabletop.

We're gonna show you how to do a dado head cut move today.

Now, a "dado" is just a carpenter's term

for a groove cut into wood,

and if you use the word "dado,"

your wife will think you're real intelligent, right, Al?

I'm not married, Tim.

Well, if you use it in a conversation,

maybe you'll get lucky.

For cutting that dado,

we're gonna be using something that looks a lot like this.

Here you go, Tim.

(audience) Whoo!

Well, thank you.

This is the Binford Mach 3 super-plunge router.

Oh, a thing of beauty, isn't it?

3-horsepower motor,

variable electronic speed control

and adjustable depth-stop system.

When using a router, you want to use a real steady hand.

You might want to use the guide arm, Tim,

so it doesn't get away from you.

Well, you don't always have to use the guide arm if you have a steady hand.

If you want a straight line...

Al, I've been doing this for years, all right?

Just hold the table, all right?

OK.

Start our cut, set your depth gauge,

and get going.

Perfect, Al.

Just... does a good job of scrolling. Uh...

While Al cleans up this deliberate mess of mine,

I'd like to welcome a new family member to Tool Time...

Alpena, Michigan.

Cold in the winter.

Pretty cold in the summer, too, isn't it?

Kidding around with you. It's Channel 97 there on your cable box.

And I'd like to give the folks up there in Alpina... Al, uh...

Al. There you are. A Tool Time greet...

What do you say, Al? Ar-ar. Come on, guys. Ar-ar.

(all) Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar.

Well, I'll tell you...

That's about all for Tool Time today.

I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

hopin'... hopin'

that all your fasteners stay tight.

See ya next time.

Ar-ar.

Thank you, ma'am.

Good show, Al. Good show.

Yeah, right, Tim.

You know, I'm installing a satellite dish this Saturday.

The one we used on the show last week?

They almost gave it to me demo cost.

Cost me nothing, man.

I'm happy for you, Tim.

I was kind of hoping you could stop by Saturday,

maybe have lunch and help me put it up.

Ah, gee. Well, I was king of hoping to have the weekend alone,

kind of a private man time.

Al! Oh, good. Al... Yeah.

What time did you say you wanted to come over tomorrow

to help me put up my bookshelves?

Well, uh, how about 9:00?

That's perfect. I'll see you then.

Bye, Tim. See ya, Lis.

Kind of that private man time, huh?

Well, she's a coworker, Tim.

I... I think of her as a man.

That's why you're still single, Al.

OK, once we get that satellite dish put up on the roof there,

run that co-ax cable down the wall there, Mark,

run it through the house, soffit here, attach it to that TV set,

and we are equipped to get 200 stations.

200 stations? Yeah.

Great. Now it's gonna take 45 minutes for you to find out

there's nothing on you wanna watch. Yeah!

(phone ringing)

Hey... (sniffs)

Could you smell that?

That's... That's diesel fumes.

That's a turbo diesel.

That's 16 speeds. Tatum axle.

That's a delivery truck. (grunts)

You can smell all that? I sure can.

Come on, help me out.

Go out on that front porch.

See if that delivery truck's on the way.

I think our satellite dish is coming. Let me know when it's in.

Oh, great. You're a lifesaver.

No, no, no. No, today is fine. Come right over.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate this.

OK. Bye-bye. (softly) All right.

Who was that? Rondall.

Rondall.

Yeah, you know, the teacher

from that job-search seminar I've been taking.

Why is he coming over here?

Last Monday after class, we were having coffee,

and he said that anybody who needed...

(whistles) Time out. Flag that play.

You had coffee with Rondall? Yeah.

You didn't tell me... didn't tell me about this coffee.

Oh, I'm sorry. It was cream, two sugars.

Well, was it coffee

or coffee and dancing?

Tim, don't be silly.

It was a few of us went out for coffee after class...

That "safety in numbers" thing.

And Rondall said that if anybody needed any extra help,

that we should give him a call.

So you sprinted right over to the phone

and called him.

Yes. He's gonna help me get my résumé in order

for that job interview I have Monday.

Giving up his whole day Saturday.

That guy must have a pretty understanding wife.

He's not married.

How'd you find that out... during coffee?

No, while we were dancing.

That's sweet.

Tim, what is the matter with you? Don't you trust me?

No, it's not trust. I'm just not sure

that a man would give all day Saturday for a woman

unless he wanted something in return.

Tim, he's just a good guy. He's helping me out.

Don't I recall you telling me

that he was this big strapping cute big, hunk kind of guy?

You know I never said that.

Is he kinda cute?

I don't know. Some people would say so.

(deep voice) Cuter than me?

Some people would say so.

(laughs)

(Brad) Whoa.

Hey, this is cool!

(Randy) Excellent.

That's true parabolic shape

for super-efficient reflectivity, man.

Mr. Taylor, will you sign this, please?

Sure, man.

Oh, my God, this thing is huge.

How are you ever going to get that up on the roof?

Well, that's why I have that pulley-ratchet system setup up there.

Well, you're gonna put this up yourself?

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Right.

(laughing)

(mocking laugh)

Tim, what do you actually know

about installing a satellite dish?

It's simple.

Mount it, point it straight up.

Any man could do that.

Yeah, but...

but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, that must be Rondall.

Oh, boys, look, it's the dancing coffee drinker.

Hey, hey.

Tim, this interview is really important to me.

This guy is gonna help me. Please behave.

I promise I will be a perfect gentleman the entire time he's here.

All right. Thanks. How does this thing work, Dad?

Well, use your imagination, if you will.

You look up there.

There are satellites orbiting the planet,

sucking up information from every corner of the globe

and spitting it back down here in this parabolic dish.

Now, this is very dangerous, though, satellite dishes,

'cause they have a pulse of their own.

If you don't watch out, they can suck you into 'em!

(all shout)

(Tim growling and grunting)

Help me!

Tim. Tim!

Tim, this is Rondall Kittleman.

Rondall, this is my husband Tim.

Hi. Tim.

And these are my boys.

That's Randy, Mark and Brad.

I was just showing the kids how scientific these...

We just got this today. Oh, really? It's a beauty.

Help me, Dad. It's sucking me in.

No, it's not. No, it's not.

No, I don't know where they get these ideas.

Go on, you guys. Get out of here.

Mommy, look, I got a splinter. Aw, honey.

Let's go get the tweezers and get that out.

Will you excuse me? Just a minute.

Honey, hope you realize

I'm gonna have to use the needle.

No!

So, Jill's told me a lot about you, Ron.

Rondall. It's Rondall.

Great name.

You know, you look familiar. I...

Well, you've probably seen me on TV.

I got my own home improvement show.

Jill told you about it.

No, she didn't mention it.

Oh, no, right, right, right. Wait a minute. Of course.

That's why you look familiar. You got that little tool show on the cable.

We don't look at it as little. We pick up a lot of cities. We just got Alpina.

Oh, yeah? Really?

Both sets?

(laughs)

Sorry. I was just kidding you there, pal.

That's pretty funny, Rondall.

Oh, uh, do that thing you do on the show,

that barking sound, that, uh...

(imitates wheezy bark)

It's really not barking.

It's more like a simian, a grunt...

Ar-ar.

Yeah. Barking, grunting.

Whatever. It's very funny.

Very funny show. You're very funny on it.

It's not all fun and games. It's a home improvement show. Basically, what we do...

Well, yeah, but you're very funny on it,

not like the other guy, the guy who knows everything.

Al. Al.

Al's my assistant.

He assists me.

I think I got everything ready.

Do you want to get started? Sure.

I'd like to help you guys, but I'm gonna finish up that satellite stuff.

Can I take your coat? Oh, thank you.

Your husband's putting up a satellite dish, huh?

Yeah, this afternoon. I hope you have some help.

(mutters) Don't need any help, Bondo.

No, I'm gonna do it all by myself.

Tim, maybe you should call Al,

'cause he really knows about all that stuff.

Al is my assistant. He assists me.

Gee, I think you should listen to Jill.

When I had mine put in,

I had a couple of guys from Global View Satellites install it.

Did you?

That must have cost you a pretty penny, huh?

Well, it was worth it when you consider that the installation

requires a precise calculation

of the declination angle of the dish in relation to the equator.

Yeah.

Slightest deviation, the dish is useless.

'Course, you know that.

Goes without saying.

Tim, call Al.

Al is busy today.

Of course, the important thing right now

is that you just get that dish up on the roof.

No problemo, Rondonello.

Wilson?

Wilson, are you back there?

Right here, good neighbor.

I was wondering, when you watch my show Tool Time, do you think I'm funny?

Well, I've got to be honest with you, Tim.

I've never seen the show.

You've never seen my show?

No, no, no, no, but I don't have a television.

Everybody's got a TV.

Not me. I just use my imagination,

watch the pictures inside my mind.

Cuts down on reruns, then, doesn't it?

Not really, Tim. There's always déja vu.

Right.

Tim, I got the feeling you got something more on your mind

than television.

Nah, not really, Wilson.

It's just Jill is working on her résumé with this guy,

a know-it-all type.

He's trying to impress her.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And that worries you.

Well, I'm not jealous, you know.

I'm the least jealous guy on earth, really.

Curious thing about jealousy.

Usually it stems from insecurity.

Well, there's no insecurity here.

Tell you that.

However much I'm not jealous,

I'm twice as much not insecure.

You should be secure, Tim.

You've got what every man dreams of.

Yeah... satellite dish.

No, Tim.

Three strapping boys, a nice home,

a loving wife.

You're so right, you know.

Jill and I share so many great things.

Memories, great food... we love eating, you know.

Laughter.

Nobody makes her laugh like I do.

(Jill laughs)

(grunts)

(Jill and Rondall laughing)

What's so funny? What are you laughing at?

It was nothing. It was nothing at all. Really.

We always laugh around here. Come on, what's so funny?

Well, OK, there's a woman in our class

that was always asking questions.

(laughs)

No, honey, that's not the funny part.

Oh, yeah, of course.

So, anyway, this one day

Rondall asked if there were any questions,

and the woman stands up

and forgets what she was gonna say.

Oh, it's really... I told you, it's not funny.

(chuckles)

Guess you had to be there.

(laughs) Yeah. Yeah.

I gotta make some measurements for this cable,

so you guys just pretend like I'm not here.

OK. OK, now, listen, about this interview...

I was gonna wear this blue suit with a plain white blouse.

Now, is that just too blah? No, no, I like white.

It's simple, but it's classic.

It shows you're not a slave to trends.

(laughing)

Yes? What was that, Tim?

Huh? Oh, uh, nothing.

I was thinking about that joke.

She didn't know what to say.

It just took me a while.

(sighs)

So, anyway, Rondall,

this jacket has really big shoulder pads, so should I take them out?

'Cause you hear about how wide shoulders make your neck look small and geeky.

No, no, no, no.

Wide shoulders show that you bear responsibility.

Uh, maybe we should just get back to the résumé.

OK. I brought some samples over,

which I left in the car.

I'll go get 'em. Be right back.

Oh. OK.

Tim, what was this?

I was shoveling manure.

You're not buying this crock.

I love this stuff.

Well, shoulder pads show strength in motion.

Color just brightens your life. I know, I know.

It sounds really stupid, but the guy is a professional.

He knows what he's doing. What is the matter with you?

What's the matter with me

is I'm seeing a guy in my house hitting on my wife.

What?

Oh, come on. Don't be so naive.

You see what's happening here? No.

Guy's over here on Saturday,

drinking coffee, making you laugh.

Oh, God, you're right.

How could I have missed something so obvious?

He's obviously just a great big walking hormone.

You laugh. You make jokes.

I can smell testosterone right here.

Oh, and just a wee bit of estrogen thrown in, huh?

Tim!

Look at this. Look.

Tim, get out of there. That is his personal property.

Look at this. Breath mints, cigarettes.

Now I got it.

This is before...

this is after.

You know, there may be a very good reason for him to have breath mints.

Rondall may just have bad breath.

Actually, I don't.

Ohh.

Ohh, Rondall, you know, it's just...

you know how sometimes when people smoke, they have bad breath.

Will you excuse me for a minute, please?

I want to talk to Tim.

By gum, you said it.

Tim... I haven't worked in a really long time.

I'm really nervous about this interview that I have Monday.

This guy is trying to help me.

This guy would be helping himself to you if I wasn't here.

He'd have his hands all over you.

No chance of that. You haven't left us alone for more than ten minutes.

That what you want? Ten minutes?

I just want to finish my résumé. Fine.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Rondall.

I'll be up on the roof, completely out of sight.

You won't even hear me, rest of the day. I can't hear a thing.

Be up there all by myself.

Thank you. Thank you.

I am so sorry for all the interruptions.

That's OK. Maybe we can do this another time.

Oh, but my interview at the Duncan Phillips Agency

is on Monday.

Oh, OK. Well, then, let's finish your résumé.

We're almost done anyhow. Thank you.

What time is your appointment on Monday? It's 2:00.

Why don't you and I have lunch together?

Are you saying lunch, just you and me, just...?

No, 'course not.

No, I'm a good friend of the VP in Sales over there,

and I thought maybe you could join us before the interview.

Oh, great!

Great! That...

That just would be a tremendous help.

It's a date.

Now, um...

when you put down your educational information,

make sure...

I'm sorry. I forgot.

My friend won't be back from Cleveland on Monday.

Ohh. Ohh.

But you and I could still get together.

No, wait, you mean, that we're back to you and I alone together?

Mm-hmm.

Jill, you know your husband's hanging from the roof

spying on us?

No, no, he's not spying on us. No?

No, he's just hanging upside down.

Uh, he does that all the time to check things.

I think he has a problem with me.

No, he really likes you. Does he?

Yeah. (laughs)

I think he's a little bit uncomfortable with me,

and I think it's because he's sensing what I've been sensing.

Which is what?

Well, you have been sending out signals.

Signals? What signals?

You asked me out for coffee after class.

Oh, no, no, no. No.

That was just... There were four of us.

You were just across... way across the table.

But every time I turn around from the blackboard,

I see you staring into my eyes.

No, that's just paying attention. That's a good thing.

I don't know why you're fighting it, Jill.

There's obviously something happening between us.

I feel it. You feel it. It's chemistry.

No, I flunked chemistry.

Jill...

you're playing hard to get.

I love that.

No, no, I'm playing no get. I am a no-get woman.

I'm a happy married no-get woman

with a wonderful husband...

Aah!

(grunts) There's Mr. Wonderful now.

Honey, are you all right?

I'm just testing the safety line on this, honey.

Rondall, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Oh, oh, oh, that's good, that's good, that's good.

You're pretending to throw me out

because your husband can see us.

No, I'm really throwing you out.

I think you should speak a little louder so he can hear you.

Here's your coat. There's the door.

That's a good touch with the jacket.

I like that.

Look, Rondall, you want a signal? Uh-huh.

Here is your signal.

Wait a minute. I'm confused.

Does that mean we're not having lunch?

Get out!

Jill, come on out here, please.

Tim. Oh, Tim, I don't believe it.

I am so embarrassed. I feel like such a fool.

Could you untangle that rope up...

You were right. That slime came on to me.

He wanted me to have lunch with him.

Get him out here. Come on out here.

It's OK. I took care of it. I threw him out. Good for you.

He said I was sending him signals.

Jill, could you just untie this knot? I would never send signals.

I know you wouldn't, Jill, but we could talk about this some other time.

My legs are really numb. I am so sorry.

I just never realized, you know?

I'm a married woman. I got three kids.

You're a beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman,

and he'd be a fool not to hit on you.

Aw, Tim.

Hey! You're so sweet.

Could you cut me down, please?

No, I like you like this.

All right, settle in.

200 channels of family entertainment.

Seen it.

Seen it. Seen that.

Seen it. Seen it. Seen it.

Will you slow down? Just let me have that thing.

Oh, boy.

(grunting on TV) OK, what's that?

Sumo wrestling from Japan. (Tim speaks pseudo-Japanese)

Seen it.

(♪ classical)

Oh, now, that's better. Opera.

(boys) Aah!

Phew!

Arr!