Original subtitles

(♪ Tool Time theme plays)

(Lisa) Binford Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Toolman" Taylor!

(audience applause)

Thank you.

Hey, guys, my show's on. Come on and watch.

No, thanks. We're playing.

Jill, I got a spot all warmed up on the couch.

Tool Time's ready to begin. Come on.

Couldn't get the boys to watch? They were a little busy.

So am I.

Your loss. It's a great episode. Classic.

I'm showing everybody how to install a deadbolt lock.

Yeah.

Without putting our tool belts on,

so let's get that taken care of.

There you go. You heard that snap. That means it's on.

Tool tip... tool belt fashion tip from old Tim...

Hike it up so you avoid that unsightly butt crack,

'cause who wants to see that?

Boy, there's nothing like the feeling

of rawhide and cold steel hanging on your hips.

My wife says when I put this bad boy on,

I turn into a wild, hairy, disgusting ape. Arr.

You know what? I don't think women understand the feeling

of rawhide and steel, vise-gripping monkey pliers,

dado, headcut, flat jig, minor jig, box, hot goo, ar-ar-ar.

A busy day today.

Al and I are gonna rough-in that house, finish hanging that garage door,

but first, we're gonna install a twin-cylinder

deadbolt security lock in this door.

Morning, Al. Morning, Tim.

Always follow your instructions. Always makes jobs a bit easier.

We've laid out with the template included in the kit

where we're putting our holes, used my awl here to set my drill.

All right, Al, let's have a drill, please.

Whoo, look at that butt crack you got goin' there.

I think we oughta start today by spackling Al's butt crack shut, huh,

with the new Patch 'N' Paint butt crack filler putty.

(drill runs)

Hey, I smell voltage. I think it's time to drill.

Right, Tim, and we'll be using the 1 1/2-inch auger bit.

Come on, Al. That's a girl drill.

We need a man drill, don't we?

But Tim, this is the proper tool.

Yeah, I bet it is, Al.

Men, when we want a job done right and we want it done quick,

what do we need?

(all) More power!

Darn right, more power. Thank you, Lisa.

Now, there's raw power!

This is the Binford series heavy-duty, variable-speed drill.

Double-reduction spur gearing, 1,400 rpm, 6.8 amp.

Ar-ar-ar.

But you won't even be halfway through your aug before you hear this...

(imitates a woman's voice) "Honey, shut

that thing off. It's making too much noise."

Uhh?

Always ignore that first plea.

Just makes her yell a little louder.

Here she comes down the hall... boom-boom-boom-boom-boom...

"Shut that thing off. Do you have mud in your ears, you big baboon?"

You know what the problem is?

Who's that supposed to be? Hey!

Is that supposed to be me?

(turns off TV)

No, that's not you.

Oh, what a relief.

Then who is it?

It's every wife.

Oh, yeah. But, you know, I happen to be a wife.

Every wife but you.

Ha-ha. Stop it. You'll make me go to the bathroom.

Let me up, let me up. (dryer timer goes off)

No, you started this. You're staying right there.

Ow! No. Ha-ha-ha.

No, really. I have a blouse in the dryer. I have to get that out.

Let me go. Oh, boy.

(Mark) Help!

Would you go see who's killing who out there?!

I can only imagine. Randy, what are you doing to your younger brother?

I'm just hanging him from the jungle gym.

(Mark) Help!

Don't do that.

He likes it.

Randy, you let go of that rope,

or I'm gonna hot-glue your little head

to the garage door.

No running in the house. Brad!

Cover the ball with both hands so you don't fumble. Go on.

Tim...

And do as your mother says... don't run in the house.

I'll be back. Where are you going?

Sears' Summer Spectacular Sale.

You can't go. I've got this job interview.

What job interview?

I have been telling you this all week.

It's the personnel manager at Kingman-Hartwell.

You never told me about a job interview.

Tim, do you ever listen to me?

It was the last thing I said in bed to you last night.

No. I believe, if you recall,

the last thing you said to me in bed last night was, "No!"

You're thinking of tonight.

Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, you split my sides, you really do.

Is that my liver? Look in there.

No, you stop that. I gotta be there in an hour, and you stay with these kids.

Fine. I'll be back in 20 minutes.

20 minutes. Who are you kidding?

You'll be down there drooling, fondling all the tools,

your eyes buggin' out.

You don't even look at me like that.

I would if you were two speeds and reversible.

Tim...

You won't even know I'm gone.

Tim, walk out that door,

and this goes in the trash compactor.

Whoa! That's my Binford power tape with positive toggle lock.

Kiss it goodbye.

Don't turn that on.

Are you staying?

Yes. God, you're mean to me.

Aw, there's food boogers all over it.

Since you're staying, would you load the dishwasher?

Why not, now that you've broken my spirit.

Tim, this job is important to me.

Aren't you excited about me going back to work?

(unenthused) Yeah, sure.

(imitating) Yeah, sure.

Could you maybe work up a little enthusiasm?

I'm sorry, honey.

(over the top) Gosh, I'm excited

that you won't be laying around the house, mooching off the boys and me.

Oh! Do the other side. Oh, I'm your love slave.

Is it OK if I go over to Tommy's? What?

Is it OK if I go over to Tommy's?

Yeah, sure. Honey, honey...

Don't put that in the dishwasher. You have to rinse it off first.

I gotta wash the dish before I put it in the dishwasher.

Yeah. That spray's not strong enough for egg yoke.

It would be if we had a man's dishwasher.

But, no, you insisted on...

(feminine voice) ...a Lady Soft Touch Decor series.

Little tiny buttons that no man can...

I am so sorry. The grunting, hairy ape model was sold out. Arr.

Arr. Just rinse the dish.

You know, honey, I could fix the spray on this dishwasher.

No, Tim, it's not broken.

I know. It just needs more power.

Every time you fix something, the fire department shows up.

But this would be different because...

No, no! I am not gonna let you ruin a perfectly good dishwasher

just so you can get your tools out and play.

Six horse... No.

One... No.

Play? I host my own home improvement show.

Don't touch the dishwasher.

(mocks) Don't touch the dishwasher.

I'll show her. I'll strap that old 427 sidearm V-8 on that son-of-a-B.

Dual quads, Hedman Hedders, Isky cam, 700 horse

blowing everything off every dish in there,

including that little sissy flower patterns.

I heard that. Hey!

This is my house, that is my dishwasher,

and I will rewire it if I want to.

No, you will not rewire it and screw it up like you did the blender.

End of discussion.

What is your problem with the blender?

It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick.

Tim, I'm going to that interview. I'll see you in a couple hours.

Good luck, honey, and remember what Knute Rockne said...

"Hit 'em low and hit 'em hard."

I'll do that.

Oh, oh, and remember, honey, don't touch the dishwasher.

Honey, I'm not one of the kids. You only have to tell me once.

Yeah.

Hey, Wilson... Hi, Tim.

I'm gonna rewire that dishwasher. Do you still have that compressor for sale?

No, no, no. Traded that for a set of snow tires and an accordion.

Shoot. Dishwasher broken, huh?

No. I'm just gonna show my wife who's man of this house. Mm-mm-mm.

I told her I was gonna rewire that dishwasher, she jumps all over me.

Sometimes I don't know about her.

This isn't about her. It's not.

No, no, no. This is about you.

The reason you're having problems with your wife

is because you don't know who you are as a man.

I don't have a problem in that area, Wilson.

Not what I mean, Tim.

A lot of men feel lost, confused.

You see, the Industrial Revolution took the adult male out of the home.

Boys were left without an older man to teach them how to be men.

We need to get back to something more primitive, atavistic.

(grunts)

Atavistic. How do you spell that?

Let's just say primitive.

All right.

Men need to spend more time around the campfire with their elders,

like in ancient days,

seeking wisdom, telling stories, sharing.

Would these men all have to be naked?

No, no.

No, that's optional.

You see, Tim, it's time for men to reclaim the male spirit.

(grunts) Yeah.

And I'm gonna start by reclaiming that dishwasher.

Mark, get your brothers. We're off to Sears.

(imitates horn blowing)

All right, we gotta get this done before your mom gets home.

Take a look at this bad boy.

That's a Finley two-stage, five-horse Blastmaster compressor.

All tubing inside in stainless steel...

Dad, why are we doing this?

Randy, it's a house full of men. We're reclaiming the male spirit.

Huh?

By working on a dishwasher?

It's either that or sit around a campfire telling stories naked.

Hey, hey, hey!

Where you guys going? I'm kidding around.

It's just you and me, Mark, unless you got something else to do.

Nope. I wanna be with you. Great.

What-What are you going?

Getting naked.

You don't have to get all the way naked.

All right, let's say bare-chested men's work. Come over here.

All right, sit down there.

All right, first off, let's see them muscles.

(grunts) Hey.

Hey.

Ohh.

Ohh.

Ar-ar-ar.

Ar-ar-ar.

Arrr.

Arrr.

I think you're ready

for your new Hank the Handyman tool belt.

(grunts) All right, let's take a look at it.

(whistles) Little baby butt crack.

All right, the number one rule in home repair is safety.

If we're gonna rewire a major appliance, we gotta cut the electricity off, all right?

Come on out here.

There. That... is the fuse box.

The electrical nerve center of our house.

Wow.

You're darn right, wow.

But now, we don't have to cut off all the electricity.

Just the section of the house we're working on.

That'd be the kitchen up there... kitchen.

Heh-heh. I shouldn't have labeled those in pencil, should I?

They're all faded and everything. Look.

Well, kitchen's "K." Yeah, that's kitchen.

There we go. All right, Hank the Handyman,

come on, let's go.

We got to take off that access panel.

All right. Oh, ho.

Look at all the wires in there.

Do you know what all those wires do?

Yeah, of course. I wouldn't have taken it off if I didn't.

Ground. We're looking "ground."

Now, red is al... red... yellow, see...

The sun is yellow. It heats the ground.

That's how they name stuff.

Is that car running?

Aah!

Hoo, shake it off.

Oh. Whew.

Are you all right, Dad?

Yeah.

I did that to teach you an important lesson.

What's that, Dad?

Well, when you work with electricity,

it's a good idea to shut it all off.

Now follow me upstairs,

and I'll show you how to treat a severe electrical burn.

Grruh!

(phone rings)

Hello. No, Jill's not here. I'll take a message. Sure.

Really.

Yeah, I'll tell her.

Mom didn't get the job.

She didn't?

No. Listen, she's gonna really need us now.

When she gets home, she's gonna feel real sad.

So why don't you go upstairs and wash up?

'Cause she just loves it when you're all clean.

Dad, Dad.

Yeah, Randy.

Look at this neat turtle shell. I found it down at the creek.

You didn't yank the turtle out of there, did you?

No.

If I go down to that creek and find some confused turtle swimming without a shell...

Dad, I'm gonna go make it into a drum.

Wilson, that's the best part about being a boy...

it's collecting all that useless junk.

I wouldn't call it useless, Tim.

The ancient Malaysians used a turtle shell as an aphrodisiac.

Turtle shell?

Wouldn't that hurt putting it on?

Tim!

Uh, I'm out here, honey.

Tim! Keep the boys off the phone.

I think I'm gonna hear about that job.

Honey, actually...

I'm so excited. Gosh, you wouldn't believe it. It was the best interview, ever.

Really? Today?

Oh, yeah, I nailed it.

There is no way on earth that I am not gonna get this job.

The earth is such a big place.

No, really, really.

You should've seen me. I was so impressive.

I looked this vice president right in the eye, and I said...

Is that grease on your hand?

No. That's an electrical burn.

Did you touch the dishwasher?

Did I touch the dishwasher?

You're a dead man. Jill, hold on.

What did you do? Show me what you did.

Boy, are you cute when you're panicky

and that big vein in your forehead just sticks right out.

(gasps) What the hell is that?

That is the power source to your new dishwasher.

Take it out. No, no, no.

No, take it out now.

You don't like the fact that I improved the dishwasher.

Remember that yoke that wouldn't come off the plate this morning? Watch this.

(dishwasher starts up)

Hear that hum? Ooh, boy, that's a Finley,

two-stage, five-horse Blastmaster compressor.

Air delivery system's 18 cubic feet per square minute.

That should say testosterone right on there,

'cause that...

that is a man's dishwasher.

Hey, Mark, you didn't tighten that hex bolt like I asked you to.

Stay away from there. Get back.

I don't want you to get hurt. There's broken stuff there.

I'm gonna call Tommy.

No, don't use the phone! I'm waiting for a call about my job.

Daddy already got that call.

Sorry, you didn't get the job, Mom.

Mark...

I didn't get the job?

Hmm... I wanted to wait for the right time to tell you,

and the dishwasher exploded.

That wasn't it.

I am really, really sorry. You all right?

I'll get the broom.

Don't... you don't touch this. I will clean all this up.

I'll get... Hey... look on the bright side, honey.

It wasn't a full load.

I asked you not to touch the dishwasher, but you didn't listen, did you?

It's fine. I am not gonna get angry.

I mean, it makes more work for me, but I don't mind. I like to work.

It's just too bad nobody'll hire me.

You don't have to feel bad... Don't tell me how to feel.

I'm just sayin, if it were me... It's not you, Tim, it's me.

What I mean is you don't have to work.

You don't really want me to work, do you?

No, no. I make enough money for both of us.

No, this is not about money.

This is about me having a life outside of this house.

My autonomy.

Your autonomy. Yeah.

How do you spell that? Don't start.

Sweetheart, what you gotta do...

Oh, this is great.

Now I gotta take advice from a guy

who prances around a TV studio grunting like a baboon

while Miss Binford tool girl flashes her big headlights.

Lisa? No, Al.

What does Lisa have to do with this?

She didn't take your job. She's got a job.

What?

What a mess.

Hiya, Tim.

Hi, Wilson.

Mmm, boy, does that smell good. Babyback ribs?

No, no, no. Squirrel.

I tell ya, Tim, this is what it's all about...

catch of the day cooking, sun setting,

men standing around the campfire and telling stories.

You mind if I tell you a story, Wilson?

Campfire's lit, good neighbor.

Jill doesn't get the job she wants,

I tell her not to feel bad, she gets angry.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

So then I tell her what she should do,

she jumps all over me and then walks away.

Sounds like you were having an asymmetrical conversation.

Asymmetrical? How do you spell that?

Let's just say one-sided.

You see, Tim, by nature, men are problem-solvers,

but Jill didn't want you to solve her problem.

She didn't? Oh, no, no.

She just wanted you to listen while she shared her feelings.

Just stand there and listen.

Wouldn't that be like not doing anything?

Sometimes the best thing you can do, Tim, is nothing.

Oh...

Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her.

No, she got mad at you 'cause you blew up the damn dishwasher.

Uhh?

People often ask me,

they say, "Tim, why is your show so darn popular?"

I'll tell you what I think.

I think that working with your hands puts you in touch with something primitive,

almost atavistic.

It's almost like reclaiming the male spirit, if you will.

I think you know where I'm headed with this one.

I'm talking about masculinism.

A flat-out, big-pectoral, look-at-my-deltoids,

hairy-chested celebration of men. Ar-ar-ar.

But this wouldn't be anti-female.

No, it's all wrong to think that.

Just like this sander...

vibrates in harmony with the grain of the wood,

we men should learn how to vibrate...

in harmony with our wives.

So if you...

if you... if you have an occasion

to have a disagreement with your wife,

you should be man enough to not be asymmetrical.

'Cause that would be one-sided.

Which you should be man enough to look at her and say, "I'm sorry, Jill."

Or Betty or Ruth or whatever her name would be.

Anyway, let's finish sanding that table.

(sander runs)

What you said on the show today is really sweet, Tim.

I don't know whether you noticed, but...

your name was Jill, and I used the name Jill.

Maybe you caught the hidden double meaning.

It was subtle, dear, but I did grasp it.

Am I forgiven?

Yeah, forgiven.

That's it for me,

Tim "The Toolman" Taylor.

I'll finish up today with today's household tip.

Very important one, as all of my tips are.

Remember, folks, always, and I do mean always,

label that fuse box in ink. Arr!

See ya. Ar-ar-ar.

You know, Jill, I still think you're making a big mistake

not letting me install that dishwasher.

I have other plans for you.

You do?

Yeah. When was the last time

that we spent any serious time together in the backseat of a car?

When Brad threw up that pizza.

Ha-ha. No, no, really.

You apologized to me. I think I should apologize to you.

Really? Yeah, and I really wanna do it right.

Yeah? Uh-huh.

Backseat?

Garage?

Just like our honeymoon?

Here. Let me get that.

And that.

This hand-saver Lady Soft Touch

is one of our most popular models.

Hey, let me in!

Hey, lady, there's a crazy man in your backyard.

Is that the guy with the tool show on TV?

Hey, let me in!

Stop pointing at me. Her! Get her!

What's he doing now?

I think he's trying to reclaim his male spirit.