Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Okay, I know a story I haven't told

you yet.

No, no, I did.

Hey, here's one.

No, never mind.

Got one.

Intermission at the theater.

This woman comes out of the ladies' room,

and her dress is tucked in her pantyhose.

I'm just about to tap her on the

shoulder, and she turns around, and it's...

Diane Sawyer!

You told us that a thousand times!

Well, excuse me for trying.

You're so damn interesting, you tell a story.

Fine, I will.

Okay, now, the night I got engaged to

the former Mrs. Bob, I took her to

this fancy farming restaurant, right?

Heard it.

And, Bob, Taco Bell is not a foreign

restaurant.

Okay, did I ever tell you about the

guy that left me a $5 tip?

Oh, God!

Welcome back to Penny Ante Playhouse!

Gee, is it really possible that we've spent

so much time together we have nothing new

to talk about?

The sad part is, we had this same

discussion yesterday.

Well, once again, the city has that wonderfully

unique New York aroma.

Two parts armpit, one part jockstrap.

I never thought I'd say this, but thank

God Becker's here.

Coffee to go, Reg?

Oh, yeah, yeah, and if my morning didn't

stink enough, Margaret has me signed up for

some sort of mentor program at Do-You

-Want-Fries-Without-Junior-High.

So now I got some stupid kid following

me around all morning, hanging out with the

average American school kid, and me without my

bulletproof vest.

Well, at least the thing about the kid

was something new.

No, he told us that yesterday.

Twice.

You go about the stopped-up train?

Yeah, four hours ago.

Come on, I need that exam room.

You gonna bust my hump or you gonna

tell me where to go?

I like both choices.

Second door on the left and make it

fast.

Hey, it takes as long as it takes.

Plumbing is a mercurial mistress.

I call a plumber, I get a poet.

Hey, Margaret, here's that gauze you wanted.

Finally, where have you been for the last

20 minutes?

Well, I'm sorry, but that storeroom is so

messy, you can't find anything.

Someone should really organize that place.

Yeah, you.

I've been asking you to do that for

the last six months.

I swear, Linda, sometimes you are just so

unreliable.

You know, Margaret, when you constantly criticize me,

you virtually assure my failure.

You have got to stop watching Oprah.

Okay, Linda, the storeroom is your project for

today.

Organize it any way you want.

It's all yours.

Wow.

You'll see, Margaret, I'm gonna do a great

job.

It'll be more than a storeroom.

It'll be a place to put things.

I guess Hooters University isn't turning out the

quality graduates it used to.

You're late, John Becker.

Yeah, the late John Becker.

I shouldn't be so lucky.

Is that kid here yet?

Oh, don't start.

He's only here for one day.

Did you give him some sort of orientation?

Yes.

I pointed down the hall and I said,

there's Dr. Becker's office.

Now, he didn't take notes, so we don't

know if he got it all.

Very helpful.

Thank you, Margaret.

Now, don't touch that.

Sorry, Dr. Becker.

I'm Jeff Andrews.

Yeah, look, kid, we're gonna be moving kind

of quick today, so you may have to

struggle to keep up.

Oh, don't worry about me.

Just pretend I'm not here.

I can do that.

I just want to thank you for letting

me come here today.

I've always been interested in medicine, and this

is a great opportunity to see a professional

up close.

Everybody says the surgeons are the hot shots,

but to me, the family practitioner's the real

hero.

You know something?

We're gonna get along just fine.

Jeff.

Jeff, right.

Jeff.

Yeah.

Come on.

Thank you, Margaret.

Okay, kid, listen and learn.

A patient's file is the cornerstone of a

medical practice.

This, of course, is a lunch menu.

The man knows everything.

Thank you, Margaret.

Oh, all right.

Now, this is an orthopedics case.

I think you'll find that very interesting.

Oh, of course I will.

Orthopedics is the infrastructure of the entire body.

Oh, I swear, it's like looking into a

damn mirror.

Mr. Ford.

Hey.

This is, uh, don't tell me, Jeff.

Right.

Right.

Jeff's a student.

He's gonna be observing me today, unless you

have any objections.

No, no, I don't mind.

Right, right.

Okay, why don't you, uh, tell us what

happened?

Okay, uh, well, it was the damnedest thing.

I banged my ankle getting out of the

car yesterday.

Yeah, swirled up like a son of a

gun.

All right.

Now, Jeff, pay attention.

This could be serious.

Now, the first thing we do is, uh...

Wash our hands.

Right, right, right.

Okay, now, the second thing we do is

to check for range of motion and for

evidence of a sprain or a break.

Now, Mr. Ford, when I rotate your ankle,

tell me when it hurts.

Okay.

Uh, well, you know what?

That's the thing, see?

Um, by this morning, my ankle was back

to normal.

Good as new.

You want to tell me what the hell

you're doing here?

Oh, well, I, uh, I already had the

appointment, and, uh, well, heck, it would have

been rude to cancel.

Plus, I know you, you would have torn

me a new one.

This guy's a walking time bomb.

Slightest little thing, and boom, he explodes like

a son of a gun all over the

place.

Mr. Ford, if you have any problem with

your ankle, just give us a call.

Nope, I'm good.

Say, do you think I can grab some

of these tongue depressors?

My kids make it a birdhouse for school.

That's the real reason you came in here,

isn't it?

Yeah.

Go on.

Hey, they're not all emergencies, right?

Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah.

That's right.

Dr. Becker.

Wow.

Damn boy.

I just wanted to let you know that

you won't be seeing much of me today.

I'm reorganizing the storeroom.

Oh, good for you.

And I have lots of exciting ideas.

For example, the storeroom is so small and

cramped, we don't have room for the stuff

that we have.

I was thinking of putting mirrors all along

one wall.

Then it'll look like we have twice as

much room.

What does she do here?

You mean before the storeroom thing?

I have no idea.

All right, abdominal pain, cramping, possible intestinal blockage.

Now, obviously, this could be very embarrassing to

the patient, Jeff, so the important thing is

to be delicate and to put the patient

at ease.

Sorry, Doc, I hope you don't mind my

taking a load off.

No, that's what it's there for.

Uh, this young man is a student.

He's going to be observing me today.

Do you mind if he's in here?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

All right, why don't you tell me what

the problem is?

We'll try to solve it together.

Okay, but it's no big mystery.

It's just a lot of blockage.

Yeah, have you, uh, have you experienced this

before?

About six times a day for the last

eight years.

Well, that's a lot of blocking.

Are you going to be all right with

it?

I think so.

Look, before I see for myself, I just

want you to know that we have a

lot of options here.

Trust me, Doc, I already stuck my hand

in there and it's jambled good.

Look, Mr. Danzetti, see, I...

Danzetti, who's that?

I'm Chuck the Drain King.

I'm here to unclog your sink.

You're the plumber?

Am I paying you by the hour?

You bet.

Well, then get off your ass and get

back to work, for God's sake.

Don't worry, Doc.

A visit from Uncle Miltie here will do

the trick.

All I got to do is shove this

in and give it a couple of good

turns.

Hey, come on, it was just a bad

burrito.

I'll wait it out.

Oh.

Come on.

Okay, I know I haven't told you this

one yet.

All right, this one time, some friends and

I, we went camping, right?

We got lost...

Hey, eyes wide shut!

You told us that a million times!

Oh.

Right.

Did I ever tell you about the time

that I got the modeling job in the

Bahamas and I went out with...

Diane Sawyer?

No.

The head of the agency.

And we went out to dinner and...

And you had lobsters as big as babies.

Oh, I did already tell you.

Hey, what about when I was at that

hotel bar and I saw Gwyneth Paltrow and

Winona Ryder making out?

Bob, are you making this up?

Yes.

I'd kind of like to hear the rest

of that story.

You see, Jeff, very often when a child

is nauseous, it loses control quickly and without

warning.

It's good that this happened.

Really?

How?

Oh, how.

Well, yeah, I know.

It just drives home the point that you

need to be prepared for anything.

You have to listen to your patients.

Try to hear what it is they're telling

you.

And be...

Be sensitive to their needs.

Oh, Dr. Becker.

Oh, God, not her.

Dr. Becker, I have a question for you.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Racinos.

You told me I shouldn't go out in

the sun without putting on sunblock with an

SPF rating of at least 30, right?

Yes, yes, that's right.

Well, I'm thinking of going to the park

today and all I have is some SPF

2 and some SPF 5.

Is it better to put 15 coats of

the 2 or 6 coats of the 5?

Or, say, 10 coats of the 2 and

2 coats of the 5 or 5 coats

of the 2 and 4 coats of the

5?

Mrs. Racinos, I-I say offhand that you've

had way too much sun already.

Why don't you just...

Why don't you go to a drugstore and

buy some SPF 30?

Or maybe I should just sit under a

tree.

Which would be better, an oak or an

elm?

You can take this one.

Oak?

You're the doctor.

So what are we supposed to learn from

her?

That some people are just freaking nuts.

What's the big deal?

Why can't you just park someplace else?

You're not listening.

It's the principle of the thing, Jeff.

Forget it.

You smoke?

You're a doctor.

Research.

Oh, uh, right.

Don't smoke.

So what about lunch?

This is my lunch.

Oh, you meant...

Hold on.

Oh, it's the office.

Hey, maybe it's an emergency.

Hey, you know, you're right.

It could be.

See, Jeff, you never know when a crisis

is gonna hit.

It's all part of the fast-paced, unpredictable...

Yeah.

Yeah, Margaret.

Uh-huh.

Got it.

So what's going on?

Is there an emergency?

No.

Uh...

No, Margaret wants me to bring back some

sweet love.

Was Becker just in here?

Yeah, with some kid?

Nah, that was yesterday.

But I don't get it.

It sounds to me like you gave a

guy a heart attack by yelling at him

after you hit his car.

No, you're missing the point of the story.

See, the point is that I was able

to spot the problem instantly and act on

it.

Well, what you really did was call an

ambulance and they took him to an ER

so another doctor could treat him, right?

Actually, someone else called the ambulance, but that,

that...

You know, go on back to my office

and wait for me there, Jeff.

That's good.

I'm dying here, Margaret.

The kid thinks I'm an idiot.

I mean, don't we have some patient that's

actually bleeding or broken or something?

Don't worry.

I'll be right there, Jeff.

What about Mr. Silverman from yesterday?

He looked like he was on death's door.

No, no, no, he called.

Those pills you gave him worked like a

charm.

He feels great.

Inconsiderate bastard.

Well, cheer up.

Maybe he'll have some horrible side effect.

Yeah, well, I can't wait for that, Margaret.

Room one.

All right.

Come on, Jeff.

Mrs. Gutierrez, what can I do for you?

He told me to come in anytime I

need help, right?

Right.

I can't reach my toenails.

I was wondering, would you cut them for

me?

Look, Dr. Becker, maybe these small, seemingly insignificant

visits help you to develop a rapport with

the patient, which could, down the line...

Hey, kid, don't jerk me around.

I'm cutting an old lady's toenails.

I'm tapped out.

Nothing.

It's my honeymoon all over again.

Yep, we've been sitting here all day.

We can't come up with anything we haven't

already told each other.

And I think I know why that is.

It's just like the rats in my psych

lab.

If they spend too much time without any

new stimuli, they just sit there and stare

at each other.

So you're saying we need cheese?

I'm saying, well, maybe we don't trust each

other.

All we talk about are superficial things.

Hmm.

Maybe you're right.

So I say that we share something personal.

But if we do, we have to agree.

No making fun, no sleazy remarks, and no

immature snickering.

You didn't look at Jake once during that

whole speech.

Okay, okay, agreed.

Okay, so who wants to go first?

I will.

When I was little, my grandmother used to

take me to see the dance theater of

Harlem.

I used to be amazed by the grace

and beauty of those dancers.

Well, I always dreamed of doing that when

I grew up.

I still wonder what things would have been

like if I'd become a ballet dancer.

Well, for one thing, there'd be a lot

of ballerinas flying through the air and not

getting caught.

I thought we weren't gonna last.

All right, I'm sorry.

Okay, I'll go next.

Uh, I had just started modeling, and it

was the night of my first big runway

show, and I was nervous.

But by the time I got to the

end of the runway, I felt terrific, completely

in charge.

And then I saw someone way in the

back of the room.

Who?

My aunt Sawyer?

Sorry.

It was my father.

And he didn't approve of my being a

model, but there he was in his best

coat and hat watching me, you know, and

he looked so proud.

And afterwards, we were all going to a

party, and, uh, they were all older than

me, and I really wanted to fit in.

So, uh, instead of stopping to talk to

my dad, I walked right past him.

I was embarrassed.

So I pretended not to see him.

We never talked about it, but I always

suspected that he knew.

Bob has moved.

Bob is open and vulnerable.

Now, I want to tell a story I've

never told anyone.

I was just nine years old, and I

went to visit my Uncle Gene at his

paint store downtown.

And to this day, I still can't change

my clothes unless it's completely dark.

Wow.

Wow.

Feels great to finally get that off my

chest.

So you met Diane Sawyer, huh?

She was really nice.